Title: Because You Smiled, Part Six: I Know
Author: La Mort Cramoisi
Pairing: JP/SS
Rating: R
Warnings: Nothing real offensive here, but watch out anyway. I started crying when I was writing it, and it's my damn story!
Summary: James finally gets to make his side of the story heard, all of it, and what a story it is. The musings of a man long dead but not yet free to rest.
A/N: I finally did it. This chapter was such a bitch to write, not because I was stuck, but because every time I started on came the water works. It's good but sad that I affect myself so with my own story. I hope I haven't lost you guys while you were waiting for me. Sorry it took so long. I've started my next venture, a James-centric AU *dodges flying tomatoes* about what would have happened if (avoiding OoTP spoilers here) someone else had been the Boy-Who-Lived. It's gonna be a long one, I've got about thirteen pages and that's not the whole first chapter. But now, on with the story. Read, and enjoy. *bows*
I'm dead. I have more freedom, and less power, than I could ever have imagined. I'm not a ghost, no. I didn't want to walk that path. I'm just…a shade. A shadow of the once living, unable to find my peace and unable to move on. I was ready to die…there's just…something I haven't done yet! Something…but I don't know what it is. I don't know what I want from myself. It's…sort of pathetic, really.
I guess…I could tell the story. I could relive a life I never want to look back upon, a life I never wanted to live in the first place. Perhaps, I have to. Perhaps it's the only way…
I was never a happy child. I was a fantastic actor, but I was never a happy child. Sirius, with all of the expectations his parents had for him, would never have noticed all of the expectations mine had for me. I did my best, I applied myself. I study hard, but I was always in trouble because I played harder. When I was growing up, my only friend was a boy, about half a year younger than me, by the name of Severus Snape. My parents were none to happy about that. His parents were known for their arguments, and some called his father the town drunk. He didn't expect anything much of me. I was never as smart as him, at least during those first years, and he treated me as though he had to take care of me. I liked it. No one ever treated me like they I knew I depended on them. No one ever treated me like I was allowed to need somebody. It was…nice.
Everything changed when…when I met Sirius Black for the first time. Severus was helping me move my trunk, I couldn't get it into the compartment and he was showing me how like I was a five year old and bemoaning my stupidity. He did that a lot, but we understood each other. I knew he loved it. So we're blocking up the hallway and Sirius Black shows up. He had another boy behind him, short and timid looking. It turned out to be Remus. Sirius told Snape off, and then when Severus explained that he had to help me and it would only be a minute Sirius punched him in the face. Then he said to me, "If you knew what was good for you, you wouldn't be associating with bad blood like this sorry waste of flesh. Everybody knows his father's a drunk and his mother's a whore. Assuming of course that that is his real father." Sev' took one look at Sirius' face and ran off. I think he might have been crying. I couldn't follow him because my trunk was blocking the path. Then Remus told me that I couldn't depend on people. I never understood why until I found out about his lycanthropy. They made me get my trunk into the compartment by myself, even though it was much too heavy for me to lift alone. Remus said that I would have to learn how to manage eventually. I…guess he was right.
We arrived at the school, and I tried to talk to Sev' before we were sorted. He wouldn't have any of it. He spat in my face and told me that I should just go crawling back to my new friends before he tried a new curse on me. I thought I should just let him be. I thought he would calm down. I've never been more wrong in my life.
Eventually, the combined pressure of my parents, my professors, and my new "friends" won out. I forgot all about Severus. Sometime after that, I don't know when, he became Snape to me. Eventually, I surpassed Sirius' inherent cruelty. That was around the beginning of Second year, I think. Soon, the school had a new master. I was trouble, and everyone knew it. But most of all, I was troubled, and no one seemed to realize. My bold, rash behaviour fit Gryffindor patterns perfectly. I was just like everyone else. I realize in hindsight that I was sorted into Gryffindor for being different than them, not for being the same. At first, I wanted to apologize to Snape so badly it ached. I wanted friendship with someone who was very different and never accepted. It was the bravest thing I've ever did. Being in Gryffindor didn't make me brave, I made me a coward. Even though I've complained about the relationship I first had with my new friends, I will always count them as my friends. They were not at fault, I was. I allowed myself to change for the worst, they didn't make me change.
Two people saw me for what I really was: Severus, and Lily Evans. Eventually, out of what I thought was want for Lily, I became a shadow of my old self again. I could never lose all of the bad habits, or the nasty temper, I had acquired, but I could control them, and Lily came to love me. I realise now that it was probably for want of my old self that I was drawn to her, not for want of her.
We came across Severus one day in Hogsmeade, after we had graduated. Peter had just told us some rumours about him, and I was furious. In hindsight I suppose I should have wondered about where Peter had heard those rumours, but that is hardly important anymore. Seeing Sev', not Snape or Severus, I saw Sev' that day, made me ache all over again. It was like the wound created when he ran off in First year was opened all over again, and someone was pouring salt in it. I don't really know what happened after that, I don't remember it. All I remember is dropping Sev' on the ground and Lily making a fuss over the scene I had made. I seem to recall that I didn't terribly care.
Later, Sev' told me about the Mark, and about Dumbledore. I forgave him. I don't know why. I shouldn't have. I know that now. It ruined my life, forgiving him. Things would have been better if I hadn't known how I felt about him. Things would have been…less complicated.
We became lovers. I don't know how it happened. It just…did. He had been my first real friend, and now he was my first real partner. Lily hardly counted. It was…duty that kept me by her side. I loved her yes, but more as a friend or a sister. I didn't burn for her the way I burned for Sev'. And burn for him I did. It actually hurt not to be around him. I believe it was the life debt between us. We were connected on the deepest level two people can be connected. It's only natural that we became lovers, really. Part of me was missing, but in bed with him that part was returned to me. When I saved his life, I gave him the best part of me. All of my courage and compassion lay with him, unnoticed and untapped by it's new owner. I believe that is why a wizard is more likely to let a fellow person die than save their life. No one wants to give up the best part of themselves. No one wants to make that sacrifice for another. I have just come to understand why I cannot leave this world. Severus holds part of within him. I am confused and unhappy because I am not whole, but Sev' is here now and I shall be whole soon. He kneels on my grave, opens the flask, and drinks deeply. Then he lays down, twisting the grass in his fingers the way he used to twist my hair. I could not stop him if I wanted to, but I don't want to. He must have hurt easily as much as I have all these years. He feels it too, the calling between us. I wonder if he burns for me? Does he actually ache when we are apart? It doesn't matter anymore.
I watch as he passes through the thin veil between the world of the living and the realm of the spirits. I stand, and hold my arms out. I forgive him. I smile. He stands to meet me, leaving his body, his insignificant shell, behind. We hold each other, and I am whole. He looks up at me, eyes bright with tears, and tells me he is sorry. I bring my fingers to his lips. "I know", I tell him. I know. And then I whisper in his ear the words the I should have said long ago, the thing that holds me to this world: "I love you." He brings his fingers to my lips. "I know"