Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof
Knows All Too Well: I looked at the lyrics, but they don't mean much. I think maybe with the song they would mean more. For my friend's story (self-mutilation, but Legolas not Aragorn) she is using the song 'Will You Remember Me', but that's only because it was at her graduation.
Saera: WHAT BUNNIES???
*****
When Estel stopped crying, he looked to his brother, and a new wave of tears washed over him, but there were none left to cry, and so he only whimpered. "I never meant to hurt any body!" he wailed. "It was never meant to get so out of hand!"
"Estel. . ." said Elladan, realizing, "that time you were playing outside, when you came inside with that terrible gash on your arm, how did you get that cut?"
"I. . ." Estel tried to recall. When was it? Ah, he remembered: it had been about six months ago. "I was playing in the trees and I fell," he replied. "My arm caught. . .the skin snagged and it ripped."
"Are you sure?" Elladan asked. "Because I think--this is just a hunch, but I think, you were not playing in the trees that day. I was suspicious when your clothing was not torn, and you did not have any leaves in your hair. Tell me, Estel, were you playing in the trees, or did you put that cut their yourself?"
"I. . ." again Estel stopped himself. He did not want to lie to Elladan, but then, he also did not want to tell the truth. He did not want to hurt anybody. It was never meant to affect anyone but him. "It is not as though. . ."
"It isn't?" asked Elladan in tones of mock surprise. "Come on, Estel, tell us the truth!"
"I can't!"
"Why in Arda not? We only want to help you, estel, but if you will not let us in--"
"Then I cannot hurt you!"
"You are hurting us by keeping us out!"
Before Estel replied, his mind began to work again. Responding in truth, telling Elladan that if he let him know Elladan would hate him, did not seem like the best option. Estel decided he needed to buy himself time, he knew he did, he needed to compose a good lie for himself, a decent story. "Elladan," he said in as calm and level a voice as he could manage, "I think right now I am just a bit upset about. . .about what happened with my hand. . .could we maybe talk later, when I have had a chance to calm down?"
Elladan knew this for a lie, yet he could not deny the impeccable logic. "Yes, of course, Estel," he replied. "You should rest, you are hurt, after all."
"Thank you, Elladan," Estel said gratefully. Once his brothers had left, closing the door behind them, Estel shook his head, then closed his eyes and dreamed.
"Elrohir?" Elladan asked, in the hall. Elrohir held up a small knife, snitched from beneath Estel's pillow. "You realized, as well, then?"
"Ages ago," Elrohir replied.
"And you never reacted?"
"What would I have done? Elladan, you know as well as I that Estel is in a bad way right now. But when did you begin to suspect he was a self-mutilator?" Elrohir asked.
"About two minutes ago, why?"
"Oh, Elladan. You never saw it, did you? Estel has been at this for years, ever since. . .Valar, when. . .the days when he would fight with the Elfling children."
"Why did you never act?" Elladan asked again. "I still do not understand."
"And I do not expect you to," replied Elrohir. Then, as though he had not spoken before, "I just remembered the time when Estel was learning how to skate on ice. . .remember? He had blisters all over his feet by the end of an hour, and tried to teach himself, he refused to accept any help from us. It had to be him figuring things out for himself. Estel is just that way, Elladan. He needs to sort through his own problems and find his own solutions."
"Elrohir," Elladan returned, "his solution is self-injury! Do you not remember that, at the end of that day, he gave in? Do you not remember that he left the ice and used salves on his blisters, then asked us a week later to teach him? How could you keep this to yourself for so long? How could you let him suffer?"
"There are things you do not understand--"
"Enlighten me."
Elrohir shook his head slowly, and Elladan's eyes grew wide. "Elrohir, tell me you do not!"
"I do not," Elrohir replied. "But." Then he walked very slowly away.
Elladan remained outside of Estel's room, thinking. What was he going to do? Finally he hardened his heart, in an act of incredible falsity, and decided if Estel wanted to be left alone, he ought to be left alone.
*****
TBC