Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof
Lady of the Forest: Well, you weren't supposed to expect it! He doesn't any longer, but he used to, many years ago.
Knows all too well: Well, you know what, more power to you for getting up again, and keep going. Don't let the bad things win, right?
Kaimelieamin: Fucking hell. Sorry, it's just…wow. You are…amazingly brave and strong for surviving that and this is going to sound really, really stupid and corny, but now that it's over, please try to believe there is something better for you! Please don't give in, don't let exhaustion take you unawares. Don't do something you won't live to remember. As for my friend, you can tell her yourself. You haven't figured it out by now? You know her! Guess.
Lady Laughing Owl: Eowyn, isn't it? Why do you hope Estel's okay? You know this story better than I do, silly goose. Or perhaps, silly Faffoo?
Author's Note: Elrohir's speech in this chapter is another of my little 'experiments' with blank verse.
*****
Elladan ran up to the Last Homely House, just a stride ahead of his twin brother, and burst through the door, shouting, "Ada, Ada!" as loud as he could. Adrenaline alone kept him moving, the weight of the sopping wet brother in his arms otherwise would have been too much for him over such a distance and at such a speed. But on that day, normal limitations were not relevant, it seemed. Estel had made it through the river; he had contested death and won. Elrohir had admitted a secret he had kept hidden for more than a millennium. Elladan had sprinted all the way up to the Last Homely House with breath enough to scream.
"Elladan, what--Valar, what happened to him?" asked Elrond, taking Estel from Elladan at once. He did not wait for an explanation, but turned and continued down the corridor.
"Estel--fell into the river," Elladan lied quickly, following after Elrond. Elrohir shot his brother a look, but allowed the lie to remain not refuted.
"Ada," said Estel in a very weak voice.
"Shh, Estel," Elrond told him, and Estel obeyed, closing his eyes but not giving way to sleep. The four entered Estel's room, and Elrond placed the boy on the floor, leaning him against the dresser.
"Wait!" Elladan said, realizing what was about to happen. He could hardly believe he had said anything, but he could not take back what had been done. Elrond gave him a strange look, and Elladan bit his lip, searching for an explanation. "I…"
"Why?" Estel asked from the floor, his voice little more than a moan. "Why are you lying for me, Elladan? Why are you not angry?"
Elrond glanced between his sons and stood up stiffly. "It seems you have something to discuss; I will leave you until you have finished. Elladan, get Estel dried off and put him to bed. Estel, you do not have to sleep, but you must rest. You will be all right." With this he left the room, knowing that when the boys needed to talk, it was best to allow them to.
"Elrohir, go and fetch a towel, would you?" Elladan asked.
"Bottom drawer," Estel muttered. "Behind me, in the dresser. Used to swim at midnight…" Elladan moved his brother and slid open the drawer, quickly pulled out the towel and replaced Estel. Without speech Elladan began peeling off Estel's tunic. The boy took over the job, not caring if his brother saw his scars, though he winced at Elladan's gasp. Shaking his head, Estel kicked out of his trousers to reveal yet more scars on his legs. He began to take the towel, but Elladan wouldn't allow it.
"I'm to look after you," he said. "You really are pale," he commented, trying to sound normal.
"Don't fake it," Estel replied, and so without further discussion Elladan dried off his brother as best he could and helped the young one into his flannels, then helped him over to the bed. Once Estel was beneath the covers he felt himself drifting off to sleep, but fought tiredness and tried to stay awake.
"You need to tell him, Estel," Elladan said to his brother. "Ada needs to know."
"What do I need to know?" asked Elrond worriedly. "I apologize if I have interrupted, Elrohir told me it was all right to come back--"
"No, it is fine," Elladan replied. "Estel and I have nothing further to say to each other." He stepped coldly away from the bed and moved to the door, beside Elrohir. Curiously, Elrond sat beside Estel on the bed.
"Are you all right?" Elrond asked, stroking Estel's hair.
"Ada, I didn't fall into the river," Estel replied.
Elrond nodded. "I had a feeling that might have been so."
Estel searched for the right words to say. "I--I wrote you a letter," he recalled suddenly. "When I was eleven years old." Shifting to a sitting position, Estel pulled his pillow out of its pillowcase, remembering for the first time the sloppily stitched corner. He ripped open the pillow and pulled out the letter, then handed it to Elrond. "When you didn't read it I was mad." Then he was quiet while he watched his father's eyes flicker across the lines of untidy scrawl, then impassively folded the letter and placed it in his pocket.
"I wish you had given me this two years ago," Elrond said at last, "but we cannot change the past, only the future. Has this continued since you wrote the letter?" Estel nodded mutely. Elrond turned to the twins. "You knew?" Their faces displayed that this was true.
"Elladan just learned a couple of weeks ago. I have known for years." With this such introduction, Elrohir spoke:
"The boy has learned the infatuation
this ever present knowledge that he
in his lie of a retreat or safety
has committed the one act that should not
under any circumstance be done.
He has learned the exquisite torture of
the blade, pain for only to end the pain
the anguish of knowing what he has done
and that very anguish driving him to,
in attempt to end the pain of his cure,
do that which brings to him this infernal,
this ever-lasting and all-consuming
pain in his mind and this pain in his heart,
and indeed this pain in his very soul.
He knows now what comes of loving the wind,
which temptress unequaled seduces us,
teases us and promises us, yet keeps
said redemption held just beyond our grasp.
The wind, so inconsistent yet ever
so consistently sadistic to us
fools so stupid as to listen to her,
who is friend at dawn but abandons--why
we know not. We cling for comfort to her
and she will embrace us, know us that she,
with her many faces, may destroy us.
He has loved she who is here and gone, who
may by no man be tamed and made to stay,
and he has suffered her leaving as he,
and any he who strays to follow her,
must inevitably do. She is gone.
She is gone, and will not be coming back."
With that Elrohir turned and, looking fiercely upon his younger brother, said, "We will not let her."
"Elrohir, if you and Elladan would, please leave us for a moment?" Elrond asked, shaken by his son's speech.
"Of course," said Elrohir, who had by this time strayed to the window. Indeed, half his speech was given staring out into the natural world. "Come, brother," he said to his twin at the door, and they left the room, leaving Estel and Elrond alone in silence.
"Why did you do it, Estel?" Elrond asked. "The letter says that you are sorry for fighting, and that you felt upset and sought release. I understand this, but why? Why did you not come to me?"
"Because you were disappointed," Estel replied in a shaking voice. "You were so…your eyes were dead the day I started, when you caught me fighting, and I saw the bruises fading. The bruises tell of my failure, and so I wrote a clearer story. Then any time I felt lousy or upset, I knew I could just pull out my knife and there was release. It was so--" here Estel swore, to emphasize "--easy. I felt awful for what I had done, but was driven back to it again and again. I had a clean period, then after the day with Haldir…I'm sorry I failed you, Ada," Estel finished, crying.
"No, Estel, no, you have not failed me!" Elrond exclaimed, taking the sobbing boy and holding him tightly. For a while Estel when on, running himself down and insisting if he had only been a better, stronger person none of this would have happened, saying he was sorry and undeserving of his family's love. Finally Elrond stopped him. "Estel, stop this. You are a good person, and a deserving person. Even if you do not wish for us to love you, Estel, you cannot stop us. We care about you. We just want to see you well. And no matter how bad things get to be for you, we will always be there beside you, no matter what. That's what family is."
At this Estel began to sob harder, and shook. For a long time he continued, in his Ada's arms, shaking with sobs, and feeling that it was all right, that he was safe, and everything was going to be all right.