Cold.
That was what she thought when she touched it.
It was sharp and cold and deadly.
Like her now.
There was no forgiveness in the knife that she held in her hand.
No compassion or emotion.
No desire.
It was blank. Empty.
She was empty. Too empty.
There had been a time long ago when she had been complete. Happy.
She had felt love so strongly then and yet now she couldn't even smile without hurting.
Seven years. Seven long, painful years of the fight. Her fight. The supposed "good fight."
Seven years and she had won the last battle. Shouldn't she be glad? Shouldn't she want to smile?
No.
She wanted to fly. She wanted to run and run and run until she couldn't go any farther in this world she fought and died for, and then she would jump…
She wanted to fall; feel the weightlessness off dropping.
She had no fear of falling now. She had been standing on the cliff for so long, willing herself not to tip. But now… Now it was time.
There was no use in staying on the cliff. She couldn't turn around and go back. She already knew too much for that. There was only one way off it. Falling. Flying.
Blank sadness was all that filled her now. No joy, no pain, no anything. Just emptiness.
What was love anyhow? What was the point in it? There was no such thing as plain old love. Because with love came pain and tears and sorrow and regret.
She had loved once. Yes, a long time ago she had felt that sense of safety that one only feels with the person who loves them. All sense of security was gone now. But she wasn't scared. Never scared.
The knife should be warm by now. Her body heat should have lessened that chill. But it didn't. It couldn't. There was no warmth. No cold. No anything.
With a frail and shaky hand she took the blade and held it before her eyes. Her bloodshot eyes. No more vibrant hazel anymore. Blood. It always had to be blood.
Her wrist was so small and bony that she looked starved. And she was. Food felt wrong. In tried to fill her but it was messy and gross and she didn't want it inside of her. Nothing could fill the hole.
The sharp metal made her shivered as it streaked slowly across the transparent skin covering the blue vein.
The blood was thick and sticky as it coursed down her hand and drained on the white carpet. The carpet of her new home.
She wondered absently if he wanted her blood. If he yearned for in when he was asleep. If his dark, mahogany eyes turned yellow while they were concealed under his lids. Did he dream about her?
Would he mourn for her while she flew? Would he miss her and she teetered off her cliff?
She used to hope that he would. But now…now that she was empty…no. She didn't care anymore. Why would she?
She smiled a weak, crazed smile as she began to tip ever so slightly. She leaned over that edge of hers and couldn't see where the space below ended. And it didn't matter. It didn't matter if it never ended because than she would just keep on falling. Keep on flying.
She reached her stained hand up to her face and ran she shaking finger over he gaunt eyes. They had become so hollow that she was surprised they didn't just cave in. Maybe they would later. Maybe the wind would make them.
She closed them tightly and focused all her remaining energy on one thing. Him. Only him.
She pictured his face; sad and hurt when he found out that she had taken off. Taken flight.
Who would comfort him? Would he want comfort?
A tear ran down her face and she wished that she had gotten a chance to say good-bye. Or at least tell him…something.
She knew her sister was downstairs. Baking. Baking cookies.
She wanted a cookie. She wanted to become a cookie. She wished she had baked. She imagined her skin crackle and peel as the heat flowed out at her. Are you happy now?! she screamed to him. I'm done! I'm finished!
And she was. Finished. Forever.
There was more blood now. She got the sudden image or a waterfall. Holding her tiny wrist up, she let the blood pour over her arm and splash down in the red pool below. She wondered if there would be a waterfall where she was going. Maybe she would see one while flying. She couldn't wait.
Her limb felt like a thousand pounds and keeping it up seemed like an impossible task. She let it drop to the floor as she lied down in her pool.
She was drowning in it.
She sucked in a painful breath as she felt herself rock over the edge. Yes! Let me fly!
And she did.
She fell over the cliff she had been on for so many years and relief washed over her tired body. And she let go. Of everything.
Of fighting and pain and death. Of love and friendship and family.
She was done. Done and finished with everything. She was free. She forgot names and the places she had walked. She forgot her obligations and what people had told her to do.
It didn't matter now. Nothing mattered. She was falling. Flying.
But even as she looked up and couldn't see her cliff, she still saw one thing. A face. His face. The face of her greatest love. The face of her greatest pain.
No! She was done! She wasn't supposed to see! She was DONE!
Shutting her eyes so tight that blood began to leak from them, she let her mind go.
And his face, her face, all the faces began to dissolve away. She fell and fell and fell and they were gone.
And she didn't try to find them in her lost mind again. She was done. Finished. Forever.