**
Bitter Affects
**
I know when she's around.
I get that feeling in my stomach. The one that kicks me so hard I can't speak. I travel guilt road too many times a day. My mind goes boom and I begin to think what I could have done to prevent the day I knew would come. The day I could have prevented. It was in my hands, her fate was in my hands, it was sitting there waiting to be made and I left it for another cup of coffee. Her cup, mind you.
I don't care what people say, but regret is the hardest emotion to let go of.
That day. That day is now known as the worst day of my life. The day that man walked into my domain, my diner, and stole her and the show. He didn't want her for her. He didn't know her. He didn't know what she truly needed. He was a fraud and she bought it. I saw the side of him she didn't know. It was no smile.
Fate could have intervened, but it made no effort, it's my fault.
I was told. He told me to stay out of the way. He told me to butt out of her business. He told me to shut her out of my life, practically. This made me bold. I knew I still had a hope. I had an impression on her, it seemed, that no one could take away. This was the only time I was really considering making this guy suffer. After all, he deserved it.
Failure feels just as bad as slamming your finger in a truck door.
This day was the second worst day of my life. I could see it coming. Everyone could. It was the second chance I needed to change everything back. She came to me. At first I thought she was alone. I got that wrong, he was stuck like glue. I saw the look in her eyes, I still remember it today, they were glowing but had a look of uncertainty. I began to wonder if that was her silent plea for help. I'll never know. I'll never forget that look. This, I thought, would fuel my time for sure, she was unsure about it, but still that ring on her finger spoke louder than words. Then she said it, 'I'm getting married.' I felt like strangling the husband to be next to her. That smug look he had on his face, he really rubbed it in. She couldn't see this though. She never saw that side. And it made me bitter.
She wanted me to come and witness the joining.
She turned up alone. It was just before the dinner rush and the guy wasn't around. Good thing. I wanted so desperately to tell her she was making a mistake, that she was wrong, that she was going to be unhappy. But I couldn't tell her what she was thinking, hell, I didn't even know if that's what she was thinking. She stood there and asked me to come to the wedding. I put on a different face for her. I told her I'd love to be there. Stupid idiot. I hate that about myself; I can't be honest when it comes to what I feel. Well, when it comes to expressing what I feel. She smiled when I answered her, but she still had that look, like she wanted to ask me if she was doing the right thing. Even still, if she did, I don't think I would have told the truth.
When a moment comes and goes before you face that lasts a lifetime.
She was reciting her vows. They were hand in hand. The moment she said 'I do' I knew it was over. Over forever. A friendship. A potential relationship. Gone. I can't talk to her anymore. That's it. I looked over at her just after the promise came from her mouth. I caught her staring at me, for a split second. I knew it had to be another sign. I had to stop fooling myself. The chance was gone. Forget it.
Good memories leave too soon and bad ones seem to stick for a lifetime, never to budge.
I left after the wedding. I went down to the bridge. The town knew I was crushed somehow. I should have stood taller. It's funny how you take things for granted, imagining them always to be there, knowing that you will do it one day, and that time isn't cause for concern. Until suddenly it's on your doorstep and you feel like kicking it so far down the street it disappears again. The lake was clear, I remember, and the sun was softly streaking it. It wasn't right for the sun to be out today. The reception was on and it was sunny and there was a light breeze. I wouldn't let myself go there and see them together. I wasn't going to give the guy the satisfaction of rubbing it in some more. I remember wishing for one more chance to make it different. It didn't come. I knew it wouldn't. I kicked Taylor's bridge and sent a chip of wood flying into the lake. That made me feel better.
It's been a year now. She comes around every now and again, but doesn't stay long.
I tell myself I need to get over it these days. The kicking motion in my gut tells me anyway. It feels like the days I had with her weren't real and that I was just imagining them. Maybe I was. Sometimes I still do.
**
The End
Posted 28th of December 2003
Bitter Affects
**
I know when she's around.
I get that feeling in my stomach. The one that kicks me so hard I can't speak. I travel guilt road too many times a day. My mind goes boom and I begin to think what I could have done to prevent the day I knew would come. The day I could have prevented. It was in my hands, her fate was in my hands, it was sitting there waiting to be made and I left it for another cup of coffee. Her cup, mind you.
I don't care what people say, but regret is the hardest emotion to let go of.
That day. That day is now known as the worst day of my life. The day that man walked into my domain, my diner, and stole her and the show. He didn't want her for her. He didn't know her. He didn't know what she truly needed. He was a fraud and she bought it. I saw the side of him she didn't know. It was no smile.
Fate could have intervened, but it made no effort, it's my fault.
I was told. He told me to stay out of the way. He told me to butt out of her business. He told me to shut her out of my life, practically. This made me bold. I knew I still had a hope. I had an impression on her, it seemed, that no one could take away. This was the only time I was really considering making this guy suffer. After all, he deserved it.
Failure feels just as bad as slamming your finger in a truck door.
This day was the second worst day of my life. I could see it coming. Everyone could. It was the second chance I needed to change everything back. She came to me. At first I thought she was alone. I got that wrong, he was stuck like glue. I saw the look in her eyes, I still remember it today, they were glowing but had a look of uncertainty. I began to wonder if that was her silent plea for help. I'll never know. I'll never forget that look. This, I thought, would fuel my time for sure, she was unsure about it, but still that ring on her finger spoke louder than words. Then she said it, 'I'm getting married.' I felt like strangling the husband to be next to her. That smug look he had on his face, he really rubbed it in. She couldn't see this though. She never saw that side. And it made me bitter.
She wanted me to come and witness the joining.
She turned up alone. It was just before the dinner rush and the guy wasn't around. Good thing. I wanted so desperately to tell her she was making a mistake, that she was wrong, that she was going to be unhappy. But I couldn't tell her what she was thinking, hell, I didn't even know if that's what she was thinking. She stood there and asked me to come to the wedding. I put on a different face for her. I told her I'd love to be there. Stupid idiot. I hate that about myself; I can't be honest when it comes to what I feel. Well, when it comes to expressing what I feel. She smiled when I answered her, but she still had that look, like she wanted to ask me if she was doing the right thing. Even still, if she did, I don't think I would have told the truth.
When a moment comes and goes before you face that lasts a lifetime.
She was reciting her vows. They were hand in hand. The moment she said 'I do' I knew it was over. Over forever. A friendship. A potential relationship. Gone. I can't talk to her anymore. That's it. I looked over at her just after the promise came from her mouth. I caught her staring at me, for a split second. I knew it had to be another sign. I had to stop fooling myself. The chance was gone. Forget it.
Good memories leave too soon and bad ones seem to stick for a lifetime, never to budge.
I left after the wedding. I went down to the bridge. The town knew I was crushed somehow. I should have stood taller. It's funny how you take things for granted, imagining them always to be there, knowing that you will do it one day, and that time isn't cause for concern. Until suddenly it's on your doorstep and you feel like kicking it so far down the street it disappears again. The lake was clear, I remember, and the sun was softly streaking it. It wasn't right for the sun to be out today. The reception was on and it was sunny and there was a light breeze. I wouldn't let myself go there and see them together. I wasn't going to give the guy the satisfaction of rubbing it in some more. I remember wishing for one more chance to make it different. It didn't come. I knew it wouldn't. I kicked Taylor's bridge and sent a chip of wood flying into the lake. That made me feel better.
It's been a year now. She comes around every now and again, but doesn't stay long.
I tell myself I need to get over it these days. The kicking motion in my gut tells me anyway. It feels like the days I had with her weren't real and that I was just imagining them. Maybe I was. Sometimes I still do.
**
The End
Posted 28th of December 2003