Author's Notes: I forgot again to thank Courtney in the last bit! Sorry! She still beta read all I've posted so far! ; ) So thank you! ; )

And thank you for the encouragement and your reviews! They really make me want to write more! I hope you're still enjoying this! : )

Here's the next bit. It's a bit short, sorry. But the next one will be longer again. ; ) Let me know what you think. ; ) Thanks! : )

I look around nervously, anxious about seeing someone I know.

But I seem to be lucky. Not much is going on and the nurse sitting at the admit desk is a temp. I've never seen her before, and probably never will again.

Carter and I go over to the desk, and I can see the board showing that Susan is the only female doctor here tonight. In a way, I'm relieved because now I don't have to decide. And I am glad it is Susan; I trust her. It will be awkward, but I know it'll be okay with her.

Before one of us can say something to the nurse, I hear Susan call my name from behind in her cheerful voice. "Abby, what are you doing back here? I thought you were off. I mean, it's not that bad here, but not that good either," she jokes.

Both of us turn around to see her. I must look really awful since her smile disappears when she sees my face.

"Ab ... what ... you look … " she stutters. She doesn't know what to say and looks up at John while her hand reaches out to run over my arm gently. I guess it's obvious that something is wrong. But all I do is to stare down at my feet. There's the shame I knew I'd feel. I can't look into her eyes. I know they are full of concern.

Carter puts his arm around me protectively and I feel him shake his head at Susan. "Can we have one of the exam rooms?"

She understands that we don't want to talk about it here in the hallway and nods as she leads the way to Exam 1.

I'm getting more and more nervous as we follow Susan. I know what will happen in that room. I've assisted on victims often enough to be familiar with the process. But I've never laid there myself.

And I'm scared to find out what really happened.

John squeezes my shoulder and makes me sit down on the gurney, carefully perching next to me himself. Susan grabs herself a chair and sits down in front of me.

I don't know if I can talk. I have this big lump in my throat and I still can't look at her. I stare down at my hands now that are playing nervously with the zipper of my jacket, even though I know she is looking at me, waiting for answers.

I don't blame her, can understand her concern. If it was her sitting here looking like hell, I'd like to help, too. I'd want to know what's wrong.

And she'd probably feel like me, not being able to explain it all again.

She looks at Carter now and I'm glad when he starts to explain for me.

"Susan, when Abby was on her way home tonight ... a man followed her and she ... she might have been ... she might have been raped."

He sighs deeply. It was the first time he said it and I know it was hard for him – his voice was shaking with every word.

I feel Susan looking at me again. She holds her hand out for me to take it and rubs my fingers gently with her thumb when I do so. "I'm so sorry, Abby."

I nod. I feel my eyes beginning to fill with tears again and I know when I open my mouth to say something, I'll start crying.

"Might have?" she then asks carefully.

This time, Carter nods. "She's in a shock. She doesn't remember what exactly happened. Could you ... could you examine her?"

I hate that he asked her that. I mean, I wanted him to and he was just doing it because I couldn't, but I wish that I didn't have to ask Susan to do it. It won't be easy for her either, and I feel bad burdening her with it. I'm sure she had something else in mind for the evening than doing a rape kit on her friend. But she is the only person I trust to do it.

"Of course," she says, hardly above a whisper, and squeezes my hand before she gets up and comes back with a gown for me.

When I move to change my clothes behind the curtain, Carter gives me one last reassuring hug. I am so glad that he is here with me.

When I come back, Carter goes to leave the room.

"I'll be outside if you need me."

"Why are you leaving?" I ask him quickly, my voice rough and scratchy and barely audible.

He turns around and comes back to me. "I thought you'd prefer to be alone," he says and takes my hand in his.

I shake my head. "No, please stay with me."

I don't want him to go. I need him to hold my hand; I don't want to be alone.

I know it may be selfish and maybe I shouldn't ask him to stay. But I just can't do it alone.

He nods and brings my hand up to his mouth to kiss it gently before he goes with me to the gurney. I lie down on it and he sits down on a chair, close to me, my hand still in his.

"Any pain?" Susan asks me gently as she begins to examine my abdomen.

I nod and wince when she reaches my rib.

"I think her rib is broken," John says. "Let's take an x-ray later."

Susan nods and goes on. "Anything else that hurts?"

I want to say yes, that everything hurts. And the kind of wounds that never heal are causing my pain. But I shake my head, knowing that she's just talking about physical pain.

I feel sick when I think about what comes now. It's not just the shame that makes me feel that way. It's also the fear of the results.

What if I was raped? Nothing will be the same.

I already feel like something was taken from me. I can't really explain what it is. My free will to decide what happens with my body and what not? My pride? My life as it used to be?

This is already bad enough. But to know that I was raped would make it even worse.

Suddenly I realize that Susan is talking to me. I must have been lost in my thoughts for a while. She and John are looking at me.

"You ready?" she asks.

I'm not, but I nod anyway. I won't be ready for this, not ever. So we might as well start right now so that I can begin to forget.

My whole body tenses when I feel Susan lift the gown a bit and move my feet into the stirrups. I tense even more when the cold material of the instruments and her hands touch my skin.

I hold onto Carter's hand tightly as my eyes begin to water and a single tears trickles down my cheek when I squeeze them shut. This is even harder than I thought it would be. I feel so humiliated – again.

He holds my hand and strokes my cheek gently, wiping away the tear. He bends down to my ear and whispers words of encouragement to me.

He has probably no idea how much he's helping me here. How much his presence and his comforting words mean to me.

"Abby?"

I open my eyes and try to focus on the blurry vision that is Susan.

"Hey, can you try to relax a bit?" she asks me carefully, obviously not wanting to have to say this at all. This must be about as embarrassing for her as it's for me.

I nod. But the more I try to relax, the more I feel my muscles contract.

John begins to stroke my arm lightly while I try to inhale and exhale deeply. All I want is for this to end.

It guess it works, since I feel Susan continuing with the examination.

***

It feels like forever until she finally takes her gloves off and puts my legs back down again. She is looking at me now, about to tell me what she found out.

I look back at her, but I can't read the expression on her face. I guess it's because even if there were no signs of rape, it's still no reason to be happy.

I feel Carter's hand clenching around mine. He's as nervous as I am.

She sighs before she starts to speak.

"I didn't see any abrasions, but I found semen."

I can't believe my ears. I feel a sting in my heart when I hear her words.

I turn my head to look at John. We both have tears gathering in our eyes.