Author's Notes: Sorry – again! Still the stupid exams … but it's over soon. ; )

I hope you'll like this chapter, it's the second to last – I think. Depends on what you'll think about my end. ; )

Please let me know what you think – thank you. ; )

Aaaaand … thank you Tracey for beta reading! ::hugs::

He looks at me for another moment and runs his hand through my hair. I wonder what he's thinking now. It looks like he wants to say something, but I guess he changed his mind. Instead he kisses the end of my nose and gets up to disappear into the kitchen.

I sigh softly before I get up, and then move to get myself some clothes. It will take a lot of time before anything is even close to normal again, and that scares me.

When I enter the bathroom and turn on the water in the shower, memories of last night come up once again. Even though I feel much better now, it's still not easy.

I step into the shower and let the water run over my body.

I look down and see the most evident mark on me for what happened. The big bruise appears in different shades of blue, violet and yellow now.

And even though my rib is not broken it still hurts.

But it'll fade soon. Too bad that the bruises on your soul take so long to heal

I take the shower gel, pour some on the sponge and begin to move it over the spot carefully before I continue with the rest of my body.

My body. It's weird but at the moment it doesn't really feel like my body. Maybe it's because I lost control over it – control over what happens with it. Or because I want to distance myself from what happened.

I can't explain it. All I know is that I want everything go back to normal as soon as possible.

As I let the water run soothingly over my body, I realise that I'd better get out of the shower before he begins to worry.

I know he worries. He'd like to be with me every minute of the day.

I'm used to handling things on my own, and usually I'd be annoyed. But honestly, I need him every minute of the day right now. I don't know how, but he can make me forget a little bit when he's near me.

When I leave the bathroom and enter the kitchen, the table is already set.

There is coffee and toast, and he must have gotten out every kind of marmalade we have.

He really is the sweetest boyfriend.

He turns around to look at me and I can see the concern in his eyes. Seems like the shower took longer than I thought it did.

"You okay?" he asks and comes over to me.

I nod and put my arms around him when he reaches me.

I'm as okay as you can be after what happened yesterday. But I know what he means and I'm glad to be close to him again.

He pulls back to look at me. "Hungry?"

I shake my head.

"But you have to eat."

I knew he'd say that. But I know he only wants what is best for me.

"I know," I say while he leads me over to the table.

I can manage to eat some toast and drink some coffee. I know he wants me to eat more, but I just can't. I feel sick already. I just don't feel like doing anything that keeps me alive. I don't even feel like breathing.

But he doesn't say a word. He knows I only ate for him and he's glad I ate at all.

I love that he cares so much. But I don't want to be a burden.

Which is what I feel like at the moment. Since yesterday he's arranged his life around me, around my needs. And I'm glad he does. I really need him now. But I feel bad accepting it.

I don't know where I'd be without him at the moment. I haven't even thought about drinking yet. That would usually have been my first thought. It numbs the pain and lets you forget. But that's only for a little while. And when the alcohol begins to lose it's effect, it all comes back to you – and things are usually worse after that.

To talk to John, to lie in his arms is so much better than any alcohol.

But I still feel bad that he has to deal with me now.

His voice brings me out of my thoughts.

"Penny for your thoughts," he says and looks at me.

I look up at him. "What?"

He smiles. "What are you thinking? You seem so deep in thought."

I shake my head. "Nothing."

He gets up and walks over to me. How can he always read my mind?

He takes my hands and makes me stand up.

"If you need to talk, I'm here, you know that, right? No matter what it is," he says and gives me a hug.

I put my arms around him and nod. "I know ... it's just that ... I don't like it that I take away so much time from you," I admit. I promised him once not to hide anymore. And he deserves to know. "I'm glad you're with me, I'm scared when I realize how much I need you right now. But I feel bad when I accept it. I don't want to be a burden ... "

He tightens his embrace around me. "Abby, please. Believe me. I want to be there for you. I can hardly imagine how you feel right now. And if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, I'll do it. That's what friends are for. That's what the person you love and that loves you is for. Don't feel bad about it."

This time I tighten my embrace around him, though it's hardly possible to get any closer to him. But I want to show him that all I need is him.

"I ... I also thought about drinking ... "

I'm holding my breath, waiting for a reaction from him. But he just begins to rub my back.

"This is the first time, in a very long time that I haven't turned to alcohol for support, but to you."

He kisses the top of my head. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

***

After we cleaned the dishes we sat down on the couch.

We're watching TV now. Actually – I'm staring at nothing in particular and he has one eye on the screen and one eye on me to make sure I'm fine.

I'm sitting next to him, curled up, my head resting on his shoulder.

His hand reaches out and takes mine in his.

"You don't like the movie?"

I didn't even know we were watching a movie. I'm not really thinking about anything. But I just can't concentrate on the TV either. He must have noticed that.

I look up at him. "I'm sorry."

He puts his arm around me. "Are you tired?"

I'm not really tired, just ready for the day to end, so I nod. He looks exhausted.

"Let's go to bed then," he says before he turns off the TV and leads me to the bedroom.

We lie down and I snuggle up close to him again while he wraps his arm around me.

We both don't fall asleep immediately, but we don't say anything either. We just lie there, thinking, until eventually we fall asleep.

***

The blaring noise of the alarm clock wakes me up. I force my eyes to open a bit to locate it and stop the noise.

I sigh when I finally find it. It's Monday, 10 am and I have to work again today.

I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I can't sit around at home any longer.

John was very supportive during the whole time. He was always there for me and he made everything so much easier for me. He never pushed me but he was always there to listen to me. I don't know what I would have done without him.

I turn around in his arms to see if he's still sleeping.

He smiles at me when I look at him.

"Good morning," he says.

"Good morning," I say and kiss his cheek. He kisses me back.

"Did you sleep okay?"

I nod. Still no bad dreams, which is good. But I know they will come and every evening when I close my eyes I know that they could come this time. But I'm not alone. I'll be able to handle it with him.

"Are you ready to go to work again?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. But I want to go. I can't stay home forever. I ... I want my life back," I add and look down to my hands.

He pulls me closer to him. "It'll get better Abby, I promise."

I hope he's right.

I kiss his shoulder before I pull away. "Go take a shower now. Or we'll never, both, be ready for our shift at 11."

We both work the same shifts for now. So we can come in and go home together.

"Okay, I won't be long," he says, kisses my temple and gets up.

I get up too, and walk over to my dresser to get out some clothes.

It's not easy to choose. Usually I'd just take some pants and a turtleneck without further thoughts. But at the moment all that seems too "sexy" to wear. I hate that, that man influences my behaviour. I don't want him to rule my life. But at the moment I just can't wear these things.

I end up taking a sweater I hadn't worn for ages because it's too big really and a pair of loose fitting jeans. I just need something I feel comfortable in.

Once we're both ready we leave the apartment. He holds my hand the whole journey, letting me know that he's there for me.

***

We're in the ambulance bay now and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore that I can do it. I peek inside and see that it's a hectic day – like most of the days at County are. At least in the ER. You can never be sure that there won't be a drunk trying to grab your butt. But I have to go inside.

As if he could read my mind John squeezes my hand reassuringly before we go in.