Chapter Three; Retrospect. Rewind One Year
The airship landed and everyone filed out, incredulous silence between them.
It had ended.
She glanced to Cloud first, of course. He looked exhausted. It could have been because of the twenty-seven hour-period during which he had been awake. It could have been because he had just seen Midgar destroyed. Or perhaps it was because, as he had told her less than an hour earlier, he had seen Aeris.
And now the brave hero longs desperately for the fair maiden who couldn't be saved, she thought flatly, she herself too tired to be wry, the cynicism giving way to acceptance and despair. And to the feeling, for the first time ever, that she didn't need this. She didn't want to have to feel anymore that she wouldn't ever be good enough, that she'd always be second to Aeris. She didn't want this aching in her chest anymore, which she had each time she saw him.
Surprised and at a loss as to what to do about this feeling towards Cloud, she remained tacid, and when she saw Yuffie brush away at her eyes, went over to hug her.
The sun had begun to rise, and they were all sitting in a circle, saying something on occasion to each other, none of them posing the question, though. Barret wiped away tears of relief and mumbled unintelligibly into his PHS; Marlene had called him from Kalm. Vincent and Yuffie were speaking softly. Cait Sith seemed to have been switched off. Nanaki was lying still, tail flicking ever so lightly. His one good eye scrutinized each member of the group, again and again.
Cid stood, pacing occasionally, smoking like a 'damned heretic,' that was how he had described himself to her once. Because heretics gave off a helluva lot of smoke when the church burned them at the stake. The night after Cid told her this, Tifa had dreamt of everyone who had ever opposed ShinRa -including herself- dying, tied to flaming stakes, suffocating in the smoke.
Cloud sat, silently staring at the center of the circle, as if there were a fire he could stare into. She clenched her jaw. No stakes. No flames please.
Did everyone still see him as the leader? Were they waiting for whatever he said to do next? Or maybe they were waiting for anyone, subconsciously daring each other to say it.
Well then, she would. Hadn't she always been the optimistic one?
"I think it's time for everyone to go home," she said. She didn't speak that loudly, but in a second it was silent in the small group. She was very aware of everyone's gaze fixed on her. Cloud's gaze.
"I think everyone has plans." She smiled at Yuffie and Barret. "And there's plenty to be done across the Planet. Where ever I'm going, I hope I can be productive. I just need to ask Cid if-"
Cid scowled at her. "Sure, fine, ask the frickin' pilot. Cid'll drop anyone off anywhere they want, 'cause Cid can frickin' fly a frickin' airship-" None of the group looked at him funny -he always talked like this.
"It's ok, Cid. I'll just walk." Tifa interrupted him this time, not in the mood for his crankiness.
"Fine! I'll fly you, Tifa. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be flying back and forth for each one of you. Make up your mind and then get on the airship, all of you."
Cid turned out to be able to have human emotions, after all. Like Cloud had, in the end.
"Wait.. Cid, you'll be going back to Rocket Town, then?" Cloud asked.
"Yup. Back to Rocket Town. Shera'll be having a fit by now. God knows what'll have happened to the house.." he was still muttering to himself as he climbed up the rope ladder.
Tifa saw Cloud half-smiling at Cid's retreating back.
"Where's everyone else going, for now?" she asked, cheerfully. She didn't feel it.
"Wutai." Yuffie said, giving them all a meaningful so-give-me-your-materia glance, and stood up to go inside.
Vincent rose soon after her. "I'll see where I have Cid drop me off. There are several locations that interest me." And he went up the ladder, following close behind the ninja.
A decision had settled in Tifa's stomach like tepid beer.
"Picking up Marlene in Kalm, then we're off to Corel." Barret grunted. Tifa went over to him, and she hugged him. "Send Marlene my love." And then Barret went up as well.
"I'll be rebuilding in various places," said the Cait Sith doll, and hopped to the ladder, where it pulled itself up with impressive agility.
"I presume it is obvious where I'm headed," Nanaki said. He clamboured up the ladder. Tifa watch with a worried grimace, but Nanaki was graceful, and speedily reached the top, even while climbing the swaying rope ladder with claws.
And then it was Cloud and Tifa. She thought she would burst with conflict, even though her mind had been made up. But the look he gave her, though it was friendly and understanding, was not one of love. And she couldn't stand it anymore. If he had been hateful and unkind to everyone, then why would he love her, right? Then it would have been okay. But if he was so wonderful, and so caring, and if certain people meant so much to him.. then why could she not be one of those people? She couldn't smile back at him. She tried and couldn't.
"What about you, Tifa?" he asked her. More out of politeness than interest, she thought.
"I'll see. You?" She couldn't meet his eyes, anymore, either.
"Dunno yet. I might fly around with Cid, get a feel for what state everything is in, then have him drop me off whenever he's done with the others." He turned to the ladder. "You coming?"
"I'll be there in a moment. Could you tell Cid to come back down? I need to talk."
For a moment Cloud seemed displeased, then he nodded silently. There was a tightening bolt in her throat as they met eyes and he went up.
She wondered, masochistically, if perhaps Cloud disliked the idea of her talking with Cid when she could be talking with him. She tried not to stare too openly at Cloud's behind as he climbed up the rope.
Cid came down. "Why'd you make me climb all the hell back down?" he demanded. Tifa regarded him, then held out her hand.
"I wanted to thank you for everything, Cid."
"I haven't done squat to thank me for." he grunted, ignoring her outheld hand.
"You're taking everyone home. Make sure your trip is safe. And theirs."
"..what?"
"Have a safe trip. Maybe we'll see each other again some time." And she withdrew, turned away.
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
She looked back and beamed at him. "It's ok, Cid. I don't need a lift in the airship, I can walk. I need to walk. Say goodbye to them."
He took her in for a long moment, sucking in deeply from his shag. "..but."
"Don't let any of the others follow me. I don't feel like keeping the past around me. Send my love to everyone, and remember that it's a small world."
He looked unhappy. "They're expecting you up there with me. Cloud's gonna kill me if I let you go. You just gonna desert ' em all now?"
"Desert?" she stopped and turned to face him. "Who am I deserting, Cid? Everyone has a place of their own to return to, and people they love. Shera and Rocket Town." She motioned a hand towards Cid. "Wutai. Lucrecia's cave, though the fool won't admit it. North Corel, Cosmo Canyon, the Midgar Ring.. If anything, wouldn't the people who did have a home, be deserting me, as I don't actually have one to return to?"
Cid stared at her, looking rather miserable at her reprimand. The cigarette puffed regretfully in his mouth. She felt silly and impatient for having said that to him.
"Cid.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, it isn't true. I have Nibelheim to return to, if I wish, and otherwise.. the world is filled with places to see and people to meet. I have plenty of homes waiting.. and waiting to be discovered, no doubt."
Had he believed her enthusiasm? She didn't want to upset him, or any one of the dear people sitting up in the airship. She watched Cid quietly. He looked at her after a moment, and then nodded his approval. Smart man.
"..Ok. See you soon, Tifa." and he reached out and shook her hand.
"Bye, Cid." and she watched him climb back up before she headed out.
She was only a couple of dozen feet away when the PHS rang. Out of habit, she answered.
It was Cloud.
"Get back on the airship." he said flatly.
"What?"
"You heard me. You can't just walk away like that."
"Why not? It's all over, Cloud. We can start new lives now. Can't you see how wonderful that is?"
"I.. Tifa, I do. I understand. But.. why are you starting your new life like this? Why without.." he swallowed the rest, and she wished for him to finish the sentence without me. Why not start your new life with me? Heh. As if he were thinking that.
"Cloud.. Midgar's walking distance from down here. I have to go see what I can do. Who knows what can be done to help."
"Tifa.."
"Why? Where do you plan on going, Nibelheim?"
"..No. I'll come and try and find you in Midgar."
"Cloud-" Apprehension gripped her. No, no, no. She couldn't handle any more of this 'friendship', not with her feelings in the wrong places. "Midgar's a big city, Cloud. Or was. You might not find me that easily." Her voice felt like it was getting softer, and straining more, with each sentence.
"I'll be trying. See you soon, Tifa. Be careful, keep the PHS with you. Everyone here sends love." And he hung up.
She thought of the tone of his voice. He sounded sad, and annoyed, somehow.
He'd be trying to find her in Midgar? To what, tell long tales of how it should've been between him and Aeris? To be friends, but never ever anything else, with Tifa Lockheart, in Midgar? She let out a long shuddering sigh, and pointed her boots to Kalm.
She looked up and acknowledged the incredible, pure deep blue that was filling the place of the violet and peached colored dawn, and so started the first day of the rest of her life. Cloudless.
*
A year later Tifa Lockheart's eyes were focused on the man-shaped shadow that crept along the wall like a heartbeat. And somehow she was unable to place herself in the same shoes she had worn a year ago.
*
A/N: Ok, to keep from blathering on, as all of you who knew the old version of the Revealing were used to, I've limited myself to using two sentences per A/N –this resulting in my lacking usage of periods –but instead of periods, one can use commas, dollar signs $ and even euro signs € ~ anyhow, my dear onigiri, I wish you all a happy christmas period as well as booze-filled new years' celebrations>> and bid you all forgiveness for rewinding back to old shoes and lollipops, and thus delaying the meeting between my darling Cloud and my dearest Tifa, you know how Roku loves to delay things. Oops, there's the first sentence already, so I had better take leave, baibai!