Part 13

"Angel?! Oh my God, what are you doing here?" Cordelia stepped aside, admitting him in to the house. "I thought you were going to stay in New York!"

Angel looked unsure as his cousin closed the door behind him, a happy expression playing on her face. "I-I was but… Why are you here?"

"We're here seeing the baby," Cordy said. "She's out of the hospital." Facing him she smiled before enveloping him in a hug. "I'm so glad you came back." After releasing him, she motioned for him to follow. "Come on."

They turned and Angel found himself standing in the Summers' living room.

"Look who's here! He came back to the Dale." Cordelia said to the group.

Xander, who was leaning against the wall, gave him a little nod, not really caring if the man was back or not.

Hank immediately rose from his seat. "Mr. O'Connor," he acknowledged coolly, extending him hand. Angel shook it, though weakly, unprepared for any of this.

Joyce stood a few steps behind her ex-husband, her eyes downcast. She wished more than anything that this was not happening.

"Mrs. Summers," Angel greeted, his voice quiet, stilling the room.

She finally glanced over, quickly meeting his eyes before darting them away. "Mr. O'Connor," she managed.

Angel nodded a little, mostly to himself. Maybe they could…talk…? Later of course. Maybe.

The three students observed the stiff exchanged all wearing identical frowns of confusion.

"Willow," Hank said, "could you let Mr. O'Connor hold Katherine?"

The redhead smiled from her place on the couch and stood, extending the tiny bundle to her former teacher. Angel did a wonderful impression of deer caught in headlights. His eyes swiveled from side to side, as if he was trying to find some way to escape.

"Here," Willow said to him. She gently pushed the baby against him, and his instinctively arms went under. Angel glanced around one last time, uncertain of what to do. He finally just looked down and found himself instantly forgetting anything. His surroundings were gone, and the people, all staring at him, were gone too. He stood in the room alone. Alone with the baby. The thing that struck him first way just how small she was. His hand was bigger than her head, which wore a tiny little hat to keep it warm. Her doll-like mouth was parted slightly, relaxed as she slept soundly, unaware of what was going on around her. As he took in her petit appearance, it began to set in that the person in his arms was his. She was his. He had…he had helped create her. That night in mid-January had been raining and storming, and he and Buffy hadn't been able to stop themselves. Out of their love, their life, they'd made this baby. And Buffy wasn't here to see her.

Joyce, who just moments ago couldn't bring herself to look at him, now could not avert her eyes from his face. She watched as Angel's jaw twitched slightly, as he locked it to try to keep from losing his stone-like composure. Though his gaze was down, looking at Katherine, Joyce could see an almost invisible drop fall from his face and onto the blanket bellow. She glanced over at Hank and could tell he too was trying to keep himself together. The other three in the room just looked confused. They knew Angel had been close with Buffy, always calling on her when her hand was up and using her in examples. It had been like…like they were real friends and not just a history teacher and his favorite student. But the way he looked now… It looked so much more complicated than that.

Angel's shoulders began to shake a little, self-control slipping fast. The knot inside of him was consuming his will and his ability to control his own limbs. Abruptly, he handed Katherine back to Willow and turned. Before anyone knew what had happened, he was gone.

"W-what…? What just…?" Cordelia motioned to the door, then to the baby and then just stood there, looking lost.

Hank glanced over at Joyce as she hurriedly brushed a lone tear off her face. She held his gaze for a lingering moment before heading out the front door. Hank made no move to follow, understanding what she needed to do. He waited until the room had resumed its silence before turning to his daughter's three friends, knowing it was finally time to release the truth.

Joyce gently shut the door, letting the small click be the only sound for many minutes. Angel stood at the far end of the porch, leaning of the ledge, trying to gain some much-needed support. If the birds were chirping, neither noticed, too busy with their own thoughts.

"Are you going to be all right?" Joyce asked quietly.

There was no direct reply, Angel just continued to stare out at the road ahead. "The last time to talked to her – really talked – was…February. And I told her that I had another business trip, one that would last longer than the others did. I…I mention we couldn't call each other because…well, we couldn't. It sort of set us both off. We ended up screaming at each other."

Joyce said nothing as she watched him wince at the memory. His words hit her in the heart, seeing how deeply they effected him.

"I left for New York and didn't see she until…the hospital. And that was the last time." Angel was silent for a few more delaying beats. He turned his head and briefly met Joyce's eyes. "I'm sorry."

"F-for what?" she questioned, surprised he'd directed his speech to her.

"Everything," he replied. The word was simple but suddenly seemed so very complicated.

Joyce considered him for a couple drawn out moments. She'd first met him at the school's Parent/Teacher Night last September and had instantly pinned him as the best teacher there. He was intelligent and young and very motivated about his work. She lectured Buffy about doing better in his class especially because it would in part help when it came time for getting recommendations. Little did she know that around that time, her daughter and the nice history teacher would experience their first, and most confusing, kiss.

Now, she saw him differently. Whether higher or lower she did not know. He was no longer Buffy's teacher; he was the man who had gotten her pregnant, left for two months, made no attempt to approach her when he returned, made her cry countless times and had been an all around irresponsible adult. But he was also the man who was near crying; who had poured his heart out about his guilt. He was the man who loved her. Yes, she definitely saw him through different eyes.

"You blame yourself," she observed.

He let out a small, almost nonexistent laugh and looked away once more. "I made no move to stop what started last year. It was selfish and foolish… She's really gone, and it's all my fault." He glanced back over and said, so quietly she almost didn't hear, "I can't take custody of this baby. I don't deserve it."

Joyce internally condemned his nobility, seeing it as a good sign.

"Did you love her?"

Angel closed his eyes, restraining the sting in under his lids. "More than anything."

Taking a shaky inhalation, Joyce nodded. The relief she felt at those words consumed her mind and eased her heart. "Then I'm sorry as well."

The door abruptly swung open, revealing Cordelia. Her eyes were wide with unconcealed shock. Spotting Angel immediately, her mouth parted slightly and she slowly shook her head.

"What have you done?" she whispered to him as a tear slid down her cheek.

Before anyone had a chance to say anything, she had torn down the stairs, across the yard and blindly down the street, away from her cousin and friends.

~~~

Angel raised his head to see Xander enter the otherwise empty room. The Chase living room, elaborately furnished, had all but a small lamp out due to Angel's liking of darkness. Closing the door behind him, Xander hung back as he turned to face his former teacher, no longer afraid.

"So," he said, voice neutral, "you're taking custody."

Angel, suddenly feeling a twinge of an unfamiliar feeling called intimidation, just nodded in response.

"And you're Katherine's father."

Another nod.

"I see." Xander walked over to the couch opposite the man and sat. They said nothing for a long while, both adjusting the each other's presence and feelings for the whole situation.

"Why weren't you here months ago, when she really needed you?" Xander's question stung, despite the calm in his tone.

"I…I don't know," was Angel's only answer. He too had asked himself the same thing time and time again and, after so much thought and deliberation, still had no answer.

"Did you not want to be here?"

Angel looked up sharply. "Of course not." Off the prodding look he received, he said, "I can't explain it. I wish that I could but…there's just no way. N-no answer."

"Are you…are you happy about being a dad? I mean, if Katherine hadn't made it but Buffy had…? What would you have chosen?"

Angel frowned at Xander. It was obviously the boy was trying to be blunt and make him feel as uncomfortable as possible, but all he could think was that these were the same things he'd forced from his mind oh so many times over the past month. "You can't ask me to choose between my daughter and…"

"And what?" Xander asked directly after Angel had started to trail off. There was no response but the look of Angel's face told volumes.

He glanced up, finally meeting Xander's hard gaze. He studied the younger man's face carefully, seeing the way his eyes were narrowed. "You're still in love with her."

Xander, not missing a beat, replied, "Aren't you?"

Instead of addressing the indict, Angel said, "You were a good friend. I'm glad you were there for her."

Xander frowned, but, when seeing only sincerity, said quietly, "I'm sorry that you weren't."

As Angel flinched slightly, Xander looked down, feeling actually sympathy for him as he realized that the man had truly been in love with Buffy Summers. "So," he said, deciding to change the topic, "what are you going to do now?"

Angel took in a weary breath. "Well first I'm going to go upstairs and talk to Cordelia. How is she?"

Xander shrugged. "How do you think?"

Sighing a little, Angel rubbed his eyes as if he was trying to massage the tiredness away. "OK."

"After you talk and then buy her a bunch of clothes, then what are you going to do?"

Angel actually smiled at Xander's knowledge of Cordy. "Then I'm going to take my house off the market and move back in."

"You're not going back to New York?" Xander asked, though that was what he'd expected from him.

"I'm not going to take Katherine away from her family," Angel said, shaking his head.

"You are her family," Xander pointed out.

"So are you."

The two men, both who'd hated one another for as long as they'd known each other, held their regard. For the very first time they found a silent, but mutual, respect for each other.

"I'm glad to hear it," Xander said.

Angel rose from the chair, pausing to ready himself for facing his cousin. As he headed towards the hall Xander's voice caused him to pause in the doorway.

"Do you think you'll ever find love again?"

Angel said nothing for the longest time. Finally a small whisper of a smile played across his lips. Standing a little taller, he nodded to himself. "Yes." As the expression on his face, outlined with a hint of sadness, grew, he turned his head to look back at Xander and nodded again. "My daughter."

There was silence as Angel continued on his way, and even minutes after he had left, Xander still sat there, staring after the place where he had stood. Yes, he thought, maybe I will too. Standing up, he started towards the stairs, going to find Cordelia.

Terminus