Residual Scarring 17
Author: natlski
Spoilers: Through Manchester parts I & II
Disclaimer: Maybe I'll resubmit my custody bid
GEORGETOWN: JOSH LYMAN'S APARTMENT EARLY WEDNESDAY MORNING
Josh looked up when Toby placed a steaming cup on the coffee table in front of him. A smirk tugged at his lips. "I should hire you as my assistant."
Toby scowled at Josh, who motioned toward the mug. He shook his head at the long standing joke between Josh and Donna.
As the speech writer settled onto the couch with his own mug of coffee, Josh wrapped his hands around the warm ceramic vessel and inhaled the comforting aroma. He felt Toby's gaze on him and shifted nervously. He cleared his throat and kept his own gaze on the coffee.
"Why'd you do it?" His voice was soft and tentative.
"What?" Toby asked, sipping his coffee.
Josh cleared his throat again. "The campaign. Leo brought you on before any of us came. Why'd you do it?" Josh finally looked up, catching and holding Toby's gaze.
Toby slowly drank from his mug and studied Josh before answering. "Why did you leave Hoynes and go to New Hampshire?"
The younger man dropped his gaze again to his mug. His hands were shaking slightly, causing ripples in the brown liquid. "Guilt and curiosity?" He looked up sheepishly.
Toby gave a dry chuckle. "Yeah. People have phenomenal capacity, Josh. We both saw the same thing in Josiah Bartlet." Toby cleared his throat. "At the risk of over-inflating your already bloated ego."
Josh made a noise in his throat, his breath catching in his chest.
"You have a world class political mind. You've just lost your vision. You've lost sight of why you are even in politics."
Toby stood and took his now empty mug to the kitchen. Josh set his still full one back on the table in front of him. The gruff speechwriter returned from the kitchen and began making preparations to leave.
"If the Bartlet Administration is to last four more years, we need the political prowess of Josh Lyman. What you saw that night in Nashua is still there, you'll just have to look a little harder."
Toby adjusted his over coat and picked up his briefcase. "Find your passion, Josh, and come back to us." He stopped at the door with his hand on the knob and turned back to the room. Josh sat unmoving, staring at his feet.
"Politics is who you are. It's in your blood. You're good at what you do." He paused and opened the door. "And if breath a word about this to anyone, I'll categorically deny everything."
Josh's shoulders rose slightly, than dropped.
"You have Seth Gillette at 2 o'clock on Friday." Toby took a last look at the younger man then let himself out.
Josh sat in silence, staring at nothing. After a moment he gave his head a small shake, as if to clear away cobwebs. He looked around the room, taking in his surroundings for the first time since Toby's arrival hours earlier.
The files from Sam were staked neatly on the coffee table. Josh could only assume each page had been returned to its proper place. Toby had cleaned up the mess he'd made. Even the empty beer bottles were gone. The symbolism was not lost on the shattered politician.
Josh drew a long breath and released it in a short puff. He placed a hand on his chest as coughing followed his sigh. The cough was persistent, his body still trying to fight the infection that had been raging through him. He felt marginally better than he had in days and wondered if perhaps he had turned a corner.
"Maybe I can do this." He reached out a still shaky hand to pick up the folder on top of the stack. As he perused the information Toby had compiled on the highway bill and the recalcitrant Senator Gillette, Josh fought the panic rising in his chest and tried to remember why he'd gone into politics.
WEST WING- OFFICE OF THE DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF A WEEK LATER
Josh stood rigidly behind his desk, surveying the clutter. His fingertips barely brushed the surface of the desk. He suddenly reached out a faintly shaking hand to push aside some files and papers. His brow creased in a frown that deepened as he pushed aside more papers and folders. Josh picked up a stack of overstuffed file folders, looking under them with a scowl. He dropped the stack with a loud thud.
"DONNA!" The bellow was cut short by coughing. Josh dropped into his chair, pressing one hand against his chest and covering his mouth with the other.
"Yet another reason you shouldn't be yelling."
Fighting to subdue the coughs and regain his breath, Josh glowered at his blond assistant who was standing on the other side of his desk. He snatched the water bottle from her out-stretched hand and took several gulps.
"Where's my file on the tobacco suit?" He asked with a gravely voice.
"The one Leo told you to put away?"
"Yeah. Where is it?"
"I put it away."
"Donna." Josh's tone was half whine, half warning.
"Leo said."
"I know what Leo said." Josh cut her off, pulled a tired hand over his eyes then fixed his gaze on his assistant. "Just get me the file."
"Everyone has told you this isn't the time. Leo said to put it away."
"Jimminy Cricket, the file."
Donna crossed her arms over her thin chest, regarding her boss with a frown. "You have a meeting with Bruno and his people." With that she turned on her heel and left the room.
Josh sank deeper into his chair and ran a hand through his already unruly hair. He didn't know if he had it with him to be civil in a meeting with Bruno Gianelli. He'd been less than thrilled when he found out that Leo was bringing Gianelli on for the re-election. Josh had in fact made his opinion known, loudly. He couldn't help but be offended by the political operative's mere presence near his campaign. He took it as a personal affront; a confirmation that he couldn't handle his job as chief political strategist for the Bartlet re-election campaign.
The events of the past few weeks, culminating with the hiring of Bruno, Connie, and Doug, created in Josh an intense compulsion to prove himself to everyone around him. After Toby's conversation about phenomenal capacity and stroking egos, Josh had pushed down his fear and made a decision. Politics was his heart beat. It was what brought him delight and satisfaction, and most days he felt he was able to get a glimpse of what had attracted him to this world.
"You're going to be late." Donna's voice broke through his thoughts and his head jerked up. The young woman was once again standing on the other side of his cluttered desk, this time holding a file folder.
Josh leaped to his feet and grabbed his pen along with a few files off the top of his desk and a legal pad. "Is that the tobacco file?" He reached for the papers as he came around the end of his desk.
"Leo said to put it away."
"Don't you have some memos to type or something?" Josh snapped as he grabbed the file and headed for his meeting.
"I'm just saying."
"I'm late." Josh walked briskly away from her; juggling the things he'd brought with him while trying to skim the contents of the file.
"JOSH!"
Donna's call came too late as the hasty politician collided with a mail cart, sending him, the cart, and the young intern plummeting to the floor with a crash and several loud expletives.
Donna hastened down the hall to aid her boss. Those around snickered at the sight of the Deputy Chief of Staff sprawled on the floor amidst papers, envelopes, and packages.
"DAMN IT!"
The smirks were quickly concealed as staffers suddenly became engrossed in their work. Josh swore again as he tried to simultaneously extricate himself from the cart and apologetic red-faced intern and collect his scattered files.
"Are you okay?" Donna gathered the strewn papers with eerie speed and accuracy then started to pull Josh to his feet.
"I'm fine." He growled as he snatched his papers from her hands and struggled to his feet with a grimace. He straightened his shoulders. "I'm fine." He repeated. He shook his head for a minute. "The Roosevelt Room?"
Donna looked at him with a mixture of amusement, concern, and puzzlement. "Josh?"
"My meeting." Josh replied somewhat distractedly. He shook his head again and coughed as he leafed through the files, checking that all pages had been returned to the appropriate folders. "It's in the Roosevelt Room?" He looked up at Donna for confirmation, his face a mask.
"Yeah." Donna frowned, trying to figure out what was going on in the mind of Joshua Lyman.
As if nothing had happened, Josh turned and strode down the hall, leaving a very perplexed assistant behind.
"You could help you know."
Donna looked down at her feet to see the still red-faced intern on her knees trying to gather the contents of her mail cart. "Sorry." Donna stooped, righted the cart and began replacing items.
"It's alright. This is the second time this has happened. I'm new and I'm just not use to the pace."
Donna tuned out the young women as she once again tried to interpret the actions of her boss. Josh had returned to a full schedule almost immediately and for the most part things were going well. They were still celebrating the victory of the passage of the highway bill. Praise had been lavished upon Josh for bringing the deciding vote of Senator Gillette. The total number of people that he'd pissed off was at a minimum and no one was asking for his head on a platter. Lillienfield had faded into the woodwork and everyone had pretty much forgotten about the PTSD disclosure. For all intensive purposes life was back to normal and Josh seemed to have pulled things together in typical Lyman fashion and was moving on.
It took someone who was really close, someone who really knew Josh Lyman, to know that he was barely holding it together. And if his friends and colleagues had not been so involved with re-election and the daily running of the government, they would have realized that they were no where near out of the woods when it came to Josh's recent psychological crisis.
~tbc
GEORGETOWN: JOSH LYMAN'S APARTMENT EARLY WEDNESDAY MORNING
Josh looked up when Toby placed a steaming cup on the coffee table in front of him. A smirk tugged at his lips. "I should hire you as my assistant."
Toby scowled at Josh, who motioned toward the mug. He shook his head at the long standing joke between Josh and Donna.
As the speech writer settled onto the couch with his own mug of coffee, Josh wrapped his hands around the warm ceramic vessel and inhaled the comforting aroma. He felt Toby's gaze on him and shifted nervously. He cleared his throat and kept his own gaze on the coffee.
"Why'd you do it?" His voice was soft and tentative.
"What?" Toby asked, sipping his coffee.
Josh cleared his throat again. "The campaign. Leo brought you on before any of us came. Why'd you do it?" Josh finally looked up, catching and holding Toby's gaze.
Toby slowly drank from his mug and studied Josh before answering. "Why did you leave Hoynes and go to New Hampshire?"
The younger man dropped his gaze again to his mug. His hands were shaking slightly, causing ripples in the brown liquid. "Guilt and curiosity?" He looked up sheepishly.
Toby gave a dry chuckle. "Yeah. People have phenomenal capacity, Josh. We both saw the same thing in Josiah Bartlet." Toby cleared his throat. "At the risk of over-inflating your already bloated ego."
Josh made a noise in his throat, his breath catching in his chest.
"You have a world class political mind. You've just lost your vision. You've lost sight of why you are even in politics."
Toby stood and took his now empty mug to the kitchen. Josh set his still full one back on the table in front of him. The gruff speechwriter returned from the kitchen and began making preparations to leave.
"If the Bartlet Administration is to last four more years, we need the political prowess of Josh Lyman. What you saw that night in Nashua is still there, you'll just have to look a little harder."
Toby adjusted his over coat and picked up his briefcase. "Find your passion, Josh, and come back to us." He stopped at the door with his hand on the knob and turned back to the room. Josh sat unmoving, staring at his feet.
"Politics is who you are. It's in your blood. You're good at what you do." He paused and opened the door. "And if breath a word about this to anyone, I'll categorically deny everything."
Josh's shoulders rose slightly, than dropped.
"You have Seth Gillette at 2 o'clock on Friday." Toby took a last look at the younger man then let himself out.
Josh sat in silence, staring at nothing. After a moment he gave his head a small shake, as if to clear away cobwebs. He looked around the room, taking in his surroundings for the first time since Toby's arrival hours earlier.
The files from Sam were staked neatly on the coffee table. Josh could only assume each page had been returned to its proper place. Toby had cleaned up the mess he'd made. Even the empty beer bottles were gone. The symbolism was not lost on the shattered politician.
Josh drew a long breath and released it in a short puff. He placed a hand on his chest as coughing followed his sigh. The cough was persistent, his body still trying to fight the infection that had been raging through him. He felt marginally better than he had in days and wondered if perhaps he had turned a corner.
"Maybe I can do this." He reached out a still shaky hand to pick up the folder on top of the stack. As he perused the information Toby had compiled on the highway bill and the recalcitrant Senator Gillette, Josh fought the panic rising in his chest and tried to remember why he'd gone into politics.
WEST WING- OFFICE OF THE DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF A WEEK LATER
Josh stood rigidly behind his desk, surveying the clutter. His fingertips barely brushed the surface of the desk. He suddenly reached out a faintly shaking hand to push aside some files and papers. His brow creased in a frown that deepened as he pushed aside more papers and folders. Josh picked up a stack of overstuffed file folders, looking under them with a scowl. He dropped the stack with a loud thud.
"DONNA!" The bellow was cut short by coughing. Josh dropped into his chair, pressing one hand against his chest and covering his mouth with the other.
"Yet another reason you shouldn't be yelling."
Fighting to subdue the coughs and regain his breath, Josh glowered at his blond assistant who was standing on the other side of his desk. He snatched the water bottle from her out-stretched hand and took several gulps.
"Where's my file on the tobacco suit?" He asked with a gravely voice.
"The one Leo told you to put away?"
"Yeah. Where is it?"
"I put it away."
"Donna." Josh's tone was half whine, half warning.
"Leo said."
"I know what Leo said." Josh cut her off, pulled a tired hand over his eyes then fixed his gaze on his assistant. "Just get me the file."
"Everyone has told you this isn't the time. Leo said to put it away."
"Jimminy Cricket, the file."
Donna crossed her arms over her thin chest, regarding her boss with a frown. "You have a meeting with Bruno and his people." With that she turned on her heel and left the room.
Josh sank deeper into his chair and ran a hand through his already unruly hair. He didn't know if he had it with him to be civil in a meeting with Bruno Gianelli. He'd been less than thrilled when he found out that Leo was bringing Gianelli on for the re-election. Josh had in fact made his opinion known, loudly. He couldn't help but be offended by the political operative's mere presence near his campaign. He took it as a personal affront; a confirmation that he couldn't handle his job as chief political strategist for the Bartlet re-election campaign.
The events of the past few weeks, culminating with the hiring of Bruno, Connie, and Doug, created in Josh an intense compulsion to prove himself to everyone around him. After Toby's conversation about phenomenal capacity and stroking egos, Josh had pushed down his fear and made a decision. Politics was his heart beat. It was what brought him delight and satisfaction, and most days he felt he was able to get a glimpse of what had attracted him to this world.
"You're going to be late." Donna's voice broke through his thoughts and his head jerked up. The young woman was once again standing on the other side of his cluttered desk, this time holding a file folder.
Josh leaped to his feet and grabbed his pen along with a few files off the top of his desk and a legal pad. "Is that the tobacco file?" He reached for the papers as he came around the end of his desk.
"Leo said to put it away."
"Don't you have some memos to type or something?" Josh snapped as he grabbed the file and headed for his meeting.
"I'm just saying."
"I'm late." Josh walked briskly away from her; juggling the things he'd brought with him while trying to skim the contents of the file.
"JOSH!"
Donna's call came too late as the hasty politician collided with a mail cart, sending him, the cart, and the young intern plummeting to the floor with a crash and several loud expletives.
Donna hastened down the hall to aid her boss. Those around snickered at the sight of the Deputy Chief of Staff sprawled on the floor amidst papers, envelopes, and packages.
"DAMN IT!"
The smirks were quickly concealed as staffers suddenly became engrossed in their work. Josh swore again as he tried to simultaneously extricate himself from the cart and apologetic red-faced intern and collect his scattered files.
"Are you okay?" Donna gathered the strewn papers with eerie speed and accuracy then started to pull Josh to his feet.
"I'm fine." He growled as he snatched his papers from her hands and struggled to his feet with a grimace. He straightened his shoulders. "I'm fine." He repeated. He shook his head for a minute. "The Roosevelt Room?"
Donna looked at him with a mixture of amusement, concern, and puzzlement. "Josh?"
"My meeting." Josh replied somewhat distractedly. He shook his head again and coughed as he leafed through the files, checking that all pages had been returned to the appropriate folders. "It's in the Roosevelt Room?" He looked up at Donna for confirmation, his face a mask.
"Yeah." Donna frowned, trying to figure out what was going on in the mind of Joshua Lyman.
As if nothing had happened, Josh turned and strode down the hall, leaving a very perplexed assistant behind.
"You could help you know."
Donna looked down at her feet to see the still red-faced intern on her knees trying to gather the contents of her mail cart. "Sorry." Donna stooped, righted the cart and began replacing items.
"It's alright. This is the second time this has happened. I'm new and I'm just not use to the pace."
Donna tuned out the young women as she once again tried to interpret the actions of her boss. Josh had returned to a full schedule almost immediately and for the most part things were going well. They were still celebrating the victory of the passage of the highway bill. Praise had been lavished upon Josh for bringing the deciding vote of Senator Gillette. The total number of people that he'd pissed off was at a minimum and no one was asking for his head on a platter. Lillienfield had faded into the woodwork and everyone had pretty much forgotten about the PTSD disclosure. For all intensive purposes life was back to normal and Josh seemed to have pulled things together in typical Lyman fashion and was moving on.
It took someone who was really close, someone who really knew Josh Lyman, to know that he was barely holding it together. And if his friends and colleagues had not been so involved with re-election and the daily running of the government, they would have realized that they were no where near out of the woods when it came to Josh's recent psychological crisis.
~tbc