Title: Nothing to sneeze at

Author: Hendiadys (hendiadys146@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a crappy computer and a weird fantasy

Spoilers: Season 4; the story could have taken place after "Buffy vs. Dracula"

Summary: What if Anya's very direct way of speaking were suddenly very contagious? When all the Scoobies turn into Anyas, chaos insues.

Feedback: Always appreciated!

Special thanks: To my beta Hazmat

A/N: This is dedicated to my beloved sister, who is the funniest person I know. I hope we will keep on laughing together a very long time!

Chapter 1 – It never rains but it pours

It all really began one afternoon on an unnaturally rainy day.

Dawn was sitting at the large table in the Magic Box, her homework in front of her. Although she was supposed to already have finished, all she had done by then was doodle on a piece of paper and listen to the heavy rain pounding on the roof and against the windows in a drum-like noise. She enjoyed the bad weather; it was so rare in Sunnydale.

Buffy and Giles were training in the back room and neither of them had been checking on Dawn so far to see if she was progressing. This in itself was very weird because Buffy was usually so protective of her sister that sometimes it made Dawn want to scream.

Well, strictly speaking, she wasn't alone. But she doubted Xander would be of help if some monster decided to raid the Magic Box, looking for human prey. Sitting next to her, he was snoring peacefully, his head on the table. Dawn was rather glad he hadn't used one of her text books as a pillow because he was drooling excessively onto the arm he had laid his head on.

Dawn grinned at the sight next to her. Then she checked if there were still fighty noises coming from the back room. Yep, Giles's moans of pain indicated that the two of them were sparring at the moment. Relieved, Dawn continued her meditating – as she referred to it secretly – and stared out of a window.

Just when she was about to doze off, the front door was suddenly flung open and Anya stormed in. Disturbed by the unexpected noise, Xander gave a short irregular snort, but kept sleeping.

Dawn watched in astonishment as Anya hastily closed the door after herself hastily and leaned against it for a moment to catch her breath. She was soaked through from head to toe, her hair hanging in unattractive wet tendrils from her head. The rain must have caught her by surprise because she wore merely a short dress and a pair of sandals and had obviously not had an umbrella with her. Now she was shivering and trying to wring the water out of her hair. When she saw that Dawn was watching her, she stopped, straightened herself and walked over to the table, leaving watery footprints on the floor.

"Hello, Dawn. Nice day, isn't it?" she asked, without any sarcasm.

"Er… no, actually, it's been raining cats and dogs for two hours now. And you don't seem to have such a nice day yourself," Dawn replied in a patient voice.

Anya looked offended. "It's not very nice of you to make an offhand remark about my appearance and thus insulting me implicitly, young lady," she scolded, sounding a little bit hysterical.

Dawn shot her an incredulous look and was about to say something, but then just rolled her eyes and directed her thoughts back onto her books. She knew better than to get involved in a discussion with Anya which wouldn't lead to anything anyway.

Meanwhile, Anya had sat down next to Xander and was now trying to get him to wake up. "Xander, wake up at once!" she said shrilly, patting him impatiently on the back. "This is so typical of him," she announced, looking at Dawn, "He's so insensitive sometimes. How can he be sleeping now that I need him so badly?"

"Oh, I see…" Dawn realized where the situation was heading. "Not to be impolite again, but if you were planning to discuss your sex life with Xander after he woke up, I'd rather leave and bore myself to death watching Buffy training." She made to close her textbooks and get up.

"No, you silly girl. Do you really think I could get Xander to sleep with me when I'm so cold and wet?" Anya furrowed her brows; she seemed to reconsider. "Hm, actually, maybe he…*atishoo*," she sneezed loudly, her upper body bending forwards violently.

"Bless you," Dawn said in a bored voice.

Having recovered from the sneezing fit, Anya looked at Dawn with wide eyes. "What was that?" she asked, horror-struck.

"You sneezed. And - speaking of politeness – I might add that you sprayed some of it on Xander," Dawn replied, pointing at the little wet spot on Xander's back.

"What does that mean? Wait a second, am I getting sick?" Anya still was looking very scared.

For one short moment, Dawn thought of scaring her further, but then changed her mind. She actually liked Anya, even though she could be a pain in the neck from time to time. And she presented a nice contrast to the seriousness and sternness Buffy radiated when she was with her sister. "Don't worry, you probably just caught a cold. It's nothing serious."

But Anya wasn't even listening anymore. Panicked, she paced the Magic Box, all the while muttering to herself. Every few minutes, she was seized by another sneezing fit that just managed to increase her pacing. Dawn watched her for a while and thought about trying to calm her down; but as Anya didn't take her seriously most of the time anyway, what were the odds that Dawn could convince her that she wasn't in mortal peril because of an ordinary cold?

Suddenly, Xander jerked awake. "No, not under the bed!" he yelled. Then, at Dawn's surprised look, he shook his head as if to clear it from the remnants of some terrible dream, and looked slightly embarrassed.

"Bad dream, huh?" Dawn asked, suppressing a grin.

"Almost as bad as the one with the supermarket and the nudity." Trying to remember the details of the dream, Xander's eyes widened in horror. "Mom insisted on searching the basement to find some of my collection of magazines… and I realize that I shouldn't tell this story to someone who has a very protective sister with superpowers."

"Guilty conscience, huh?" Dawn smirked, very much aware that she sounded like a typical bratty teenager with her questioning.

But Xander ignored her, probably to prevent himself from giving her further details about how lonely nights in his basement looked like. Furrowing his brows in suspicion, he suddenly put one arm on his back, searching for something, and then let out a high-pitched scream. "What the –" He seemed too disgusted to form coherent sentences.

Seeing that Xander was finally awake, Anya interrupted her pacing and came back to the table. "Oh Xander, you are such an insensitive boyfriend! If I still had my powers, I would already have ripped off your ears so that everything I told you could find its way into your brain more easily! You never listen to me! I'm dying, and you don't even care…" The rest of Anya's tirade wasn't audible because of her hysterical sobs.

"Well, thank you for that nice torture scenario, Ahn. But before you kindly explain what I've done wrong this time, let's first deal with the problem at hand: what the heck is that icky wet spot on my back?"

Dawn's grin widened and said in a very precocious tone, "Actually, your problems are interrelated. You see, Xander, Anya's experiencing her first cold and sneezed on your back." As if to confirm this information, Anya gave one more hearty *atishoo*.

"What did you do that for, Ahn?" Xander asked brusquely. He sighed deeply, then went on, "I mean, I've really put up with a lot of things since we became a couple. I've tried to ignore your past, I've let you embarrass me in front of my friends, I've had a whole lot of trouble understanding your way of thinking, and this is what I get? Right, nothing says 'thank you' like snot on your clothing," he said in voice that dripped with sarcasm. Then he reconsidered. "Wait a sec, you don't even get that my last statement was sarcastic, do you? Let me explain: It's very icky to sneeze on somebody and especially if it's your boyfriend! And it's totally unfair to blame me for not listening while I was asleep!" He almost shouted the last word.

Dawn and Anya were looking at him incredulously. Xander had always tried to help Anya improve her manners by pointing out her mistakes very gently; never had he been so… direct.

The girls' silence gave Xander time to look at Anya properly. Her dress was still soaking wet and clung to her body, accentuating her curves. She looks very appealing, he thought. "But I have to admit you look very appealing, darling," he said in a voice sweet like honey. "We could ask Buffy and Giles if they would clear out of the training room, so that we can have hot and steamy sex," he beamed, delighted with his idea.

Dawn looked even more shocked than before and immediately put her hands over her ears. But even with her ears shut, she could hear Buffy, who had just entered, shouting, "What the heck is going on hear? Nobody will have s-e-x or anything of that sort in my training room! And Xander, since when do you think it's okay to talk about…," she hesitated, looking at Dawn, "…er… adult business in front of Dawn?"

Xander, however, seemed unrepentant and smiled evilly.

TBC….

So, is Xander the only victim of this weird disease? Or will the other Scoobies be infected, too? Find out next time!

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