Title: Nothing to sneeze at
Author: Hendiadys (hendiadys146@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a crappy computer and a weird fantasy
Spoilers: Nothing after Season 4
Summary: What if Anya's very direct way of speaking were suddenly very contagious? When all the Scoobies turn into Anyas, chaos insues.
Feedback: Always appreciated!
A/N: Thanks to spuffyfan22, kcl and FangfaceAndrea! Your kind reviews made me write much faster! Hope you'll like this part, too.
Chapter 2 – Cut from the same cloth
To say Buffy was surprised at Xander's reaction to her outburst was an understatement. "Why do you keep grinning like a madman?" she asked him.
Xander leered at her. "Well, let's just say that I can't help noticing that you're quite a treat for the eyes, Buffy, in that sweaty and skimpy outfit of yours…"
Then, several things happened at once. Buffy, going wide-eyed, shouted "Giles!" at the top of her lungs, Anya gave a shocked *atishoo*, and Dawn got up hastily to get away from the womanizer that was Xander.
"What? Can't I just say what's on my…," Xander tried to defend himself, but was interrupted by Anya, who was furiously raining her fists on his back.
"Bastard! I knew it! You've always been after Buffy, you jerk! You think she's sexier than me, don't you?"
"Ow! Stop that!" When she paused in her attack for one moment, Xander had the chance to say, "I don't think she's sexier. Actually, the sexiness of both of you combined would be quite the event…"
"Ew!" Buffy and Dawn shouted in unison.
But Anya furrowed her brow pensively and seemed to consider her boyfriend's suggestion. "Hm, she is rather shapely…"
"Don't you dare finish this thought, Anya!" Buffy said menacingly. "Giles! We need you here, this is clearly an emergency!" she yelled once more.
"What's all the shouting about?" asked Giles, entering the main room.
"I think Xander's being possessed again!" Buffy replied, "Xander, have you been to the Zoo lately? Any encounters with hyenas of some sort?"
"No, I haven't. And it's just so typical of you to hold that hyena incident against me! You will never forget that, will you? That's so unfair," he mumbled grumpily.
"Xander's got a point, Buffy!" Dawn chimed in all of a sudden. "You are allowed to make mistakes, but others aren't, right? And if I do something wrong, say, smoke a little cigarette after school, it's always: 'Dawn's been such a bad girl, Mom!'," she imitated Buffy with an exaggeratedly shrill voice.
"You smoke?" Buffy asked incredulously.
Giles put a hand on her shoulder. It looked like a soothing gesture, but actually he wanted to be ready to restrain Buffy if she decided that smoking was reason enough to strangle Dawn. "I don't think that the fact whether Dawn smokes or not should be a priority now, Buffy…!"
"That figures! Now it's: 'Dawn's not so important; she's just a kid anyway. Let's rather help Anya get rid of her life-threatening cold'," Dawn said, only managing a very poor imitation of Giles's British accent.
Between two loud sneezes, Anya took the opportunity to say, "Yes! Dawn's right. We absolutely have to find a cure for this dangerous human disease I seem to have!"
Xander rolled his eyes. "Ahn – just a suggestion: SARCASM!" he spat, "Go look it up! There are so many numbingly boring books in this shop anyway; it shouldn't be a problem to find a dictionary. And try to do it before Giles has to close the Magic box, since no-one ever buys anything here anyway."
"Hey! That's not true at all. Well, there have been very few customers this week, but the opening was a huge success, mind you!" Giles said indignantly.
Xander gave a derisive snort and yelled, "Yeah, but that was only because there were special prices that day. Otherwise nobody in their right mind would spent money on the ridiculous stuff you're selling!"
Dawn seemed to have accepted that the conversation didn't revolve around her anymore and scoffed, "Or maybe the customers just can't stand your stiff British manners!"
"Hey!" Too surprised about the unexpected attack, Giles wasn't able to express himself in complete sentences anymore.
Buffy, who had been like paralysed since Dawn's remark about cigarettes and had only been standing there, watching the exchange, came back to her senses. "Stop! All of you!" she shouted, and when there was finally a moment of silence, she said, "Giles, I really need you to stay calm and help me figure out this thing! There's something seriously wrong with Dawn and Xander."
"But what about me?" asked Anya insistently, "I'm the one who's sick, after all!"
"My, my, aren't we self-centred again," Xander muttered, shaking his head disbelievingly. "Not everything's about you, you know. Just because you get to be so selfish in bed, it doesn't mean my friends have to put you first, too!"
"Oh, come one, you're no less selfish than Anya, Xander! Actually, all of you don't ever do anything else than discuss your own problems. No-one ever wants to know about my issues," Dawn whined, "I mean, I do anything I can to get some attention, but nothing works! I tried smoking, but evidently that's not enough. What does it take? Shoplifting?"
While the heated discussion continued, Buffy took Giles aside to talk to him without being interrupted. "Giles, this is definitely not the usual bickering between friends. I don't think they're possessed. They seem to be themselves, only kinda less… restrained."
"I agree that something is amiss, Buffy. Maybe they have been put under a spell of some kind."
"Yeah, maybe. I think I'll go on patrol, check Willie's and the other demon haunts. If there's a new baddie in town, all the demons will talk about it. And kicking some demon ass will help me let off some steam," Buffy said, grinning.
Giles didn't smile back. "Oh, but we should first check some books and research spells that can make people lose their inhibitions, don't you think? And – as Xander kindly pointed out – there's a huge variety of books here in the Magic Box. You'd better stay and help me; the other three will be of no use, anyway."
"But Giles," Buffy said impatiently, "you know I'm not good with the research stuff. Call Willow and Tara; they know more about magic than me, anyway." She turned to leave, but Giles gripped her arm to stop her.
"You know what, I'm really tired of your running away as soon as there is some research to be done. I'm still your watcher, even if only unofficially, and I've acted as your surrogate father for more than four years now and I deserve some more respect!" Giles burst out.
The expression on Buffy's face turned serious. "Giles," she said softly, "what you just said tells me that this is really an emergency. Stay with the others and consult your books." Already walking swiftly towards the door, she added, "And tell Willow and Tara to come and help you!"
"But I don't want to," yelled Giles after her, "as soon as they're here, they only flirt and play footsie under the table and do other indecent things. It always makes me very nervous."
Buffy had already left, though. The rest had obviously heard him very well, and Xander said, sniggering, "Ooh, makes you nervous, huh? Or makes you horny?"
"Ew, Xander, stop it, that's just so gross!" Dawn said, grimacing in disgust. "Giles is too old to have sex anyway, isn't he? And two women at once would probably give him a heart attack!"
"I think Giles is actually quite attractive," mumbled Anya through her stuffed up nose. "If Xander didn't mind some male competition, I'd surely try to get Giles to sleep with me and convince me of his sexual prowess."
Giles cleared his throat and tried in vain to suppress a pleased smile. "Thank you, Anya. The three of you, try to behave while I make a phone call."
Dawn, Xander and Anya seemed to have followed Giles's order because there was only silence coming from the main room when Giles dialled. Still sniggering softly, they heard Giles talk to Willow on the phone.
"Yes, Willow, it's me, Giles. Would you mind coming to the Magic Box immediately? And please bring your lesbian girlfriend."
TBC…
Oh dear, Giles is quite the prude, isn't he? And Buffy still seems to be immune to the sickness that is making Dawn and Xander act so weird, but will that last?
And what will be revealed about Spike's inner thoughts and desires when he's affected by this strange virus?
Yeah, next time, there will be Spikey goodness!
Please review and tell me what you think!