Chapter 45
Alex's condition improved day by day until the Doctor decided that she no longer needed to be kept in the intensive care unit. Alex had been moved to a private room, which Duncan paid for he didn't want to take the chance that anyone else might become involved if Lazarski tried to get to Alex. Duncan had chosen a room with a large window that looked out over the park, which was next to the hospital. Ray had called the hospital several times but each time Alex had refused to talk to him. Duncan had tried to find out why she wouldn't but Alex always fell silent. He had tried different approaches but finally decided that she would tell him when she felt the need. Duncan had used the time Joe and Methos were watching Alex to go to see Fitz at his apartment to apologise for the way he had spoken to him,but his friend wouldn't hear of it. "You had every right to be angry with me, I know I was when I realised just how easy it was for them to distract me. Water under the bridge old boy, nothing more to be said" It was like the incident had never happened, they both knew what they had done but they let it go. Now between Duncan, Methos, Joe and Fitz they had a rota to ensure that Alex's was never alone.
Duncan had relieved Fitz who had been on the night shift several hours ago and he had been alarmed to hear that Fitz had been telling Alex about his version of the past. Alex was propped up with several pillows behind her listening as Duncan told her his version, her mind filling with images of the far away places lost in the mists of time. Duncan told Alex of how Paris had changed over the years. His descriptions of the places he was going to take her when she was fully recovered were so detailed Alex could almost believe she had already been there. The thought of actually seeing these places with her own eyes started to fill her with excitement, something she hadn't felt for a long time. Duncan had also described places in London he had been to, the times he had shared there with Fitz and the trouble they had gotten into. He wanted to make sure Alex knew the true versions of events, not just Fitz's colourful version.
The phone ringing stopped Duncan telling more of his side of the story about the time they had tried to take crown jewels. Alex had been amused by the differences in the two versions and she smiled as she watched Duncan pick up the phone. "Duncan it's Ray. How is she today?"
Duncan looked across at Alex "Nothing much has changed since you called the other day. Is there something else you want?" Duncan asked as he watched the smile on Alex's face fade as she realised who Duncan was talking to. "I really need to speak with Alex she might be able to help us" there was a slight plea in his voice but Duncan could see from Alex's face she wasn't going to talk to him.
"I'm sorry Ray but Alex won't talk to you. Is there anything I can help with?"
"It's kind of you to offer Duncan but I really need to talk to Alex on this one but try and persuade her this really is important"
"I'll try but I'm not promising anything. It's her decision" Duncan said before replacing the receiver.
As Ray put the receiver down Thomas erupted "He can't tell us if we can see Alex or not. Who the hell does he think he is?" Thomas shouted as he grabbed his coat from the bed. Ray had not been prepared for Thomas's reaction at all "Where are you going?" he asked as he stepped in front of Thomas "the hospital we need to know if she knows where Lazarski is now. We haven't got the time to chase our tails until some jumped up antique dealer will let us see her"
"Wow calm down. It's not Duncan who doesn't want us to see Alex, its Alex. I don't know why but she won't and going down there shouting the odds isn't going to change her mind." Ray said his hands up in front of him ready to stop Thomas physically if he had to. He couldn't understand his partner's behaviour since they had arrived back in Paris. After the text message in the car Thomas had made one phone call when they had got back to the hotel. His mood had changed instantly, he became withdrawn and he was very insistent that they needed to see Alex, which was unusual, as Thomas never liked taking help on a case especially from Alex. Thomas had never forgiven her for solving a case he had worked on for months, McCormack had brought Alex in when it looked like all their efforts would be wasted and within days she had found the man they wanted. Ray always wondered about the method she had used but he couldn't fault the results.
"Duncan said he would talk to her again, see if he can't persuade her to see us and I think we should leave it to him." Ray stared into his partner's eyes but Thomas wouldn't keep eye contact with him "and what are we to do in the mean time?" Thomas asked as he moved away from Ray "our job. Let's see if our French friends have managed to come up with anything. Duncan we call me if she changes her mind" Ray could see from Thomas's body language that he didn't like this option but the last thing Ray wanted was a shouting match at the hospital. As Thomas watched his partner pull on his jacket covering the gun hostel under his left arm, he wonder how he could break away from him without Ray getting suspicious. His caller had been very specific that this had to be handled soon or he would be the loser and he wasn't about to let Alex make him a loser again.
Duncan then walked over to Alex's bed sitting down beside her. "Are you ready to tell me why you won't talk or see them?" Alex turned her head away looking out of the window, she didn't know how to explain what she was feeling, as she wasn't really sure herself. "Alex, they're your friends, Ray concerned about you, he doesn't understand why you won't see him," Alex continued to look out of the window but Duncan could just see the glistening of tears in her eyes. He gently lifted her head turning her to face him. "Hey, something is wrong to get you this upset, talk to me Alex, maybe I can help" Duncan said as he wiped away the tears that were rolling down her face "I can't"
"Yes you can" Duncan said taking hold of Alex's trembling hand "I.I'm afraid Duncan"
"You don't have to be afraid you're not alone. Take your time I'm not going anywhere" Alex licked her dry lips as she tried to collect her thoughts so they would make sense. Alex closed her eyes for a moment before looking back up into Duncan's eyes. "They were never my friends, they were just people I worked with. I never allowed anyone to get close enough to be my friend, it was safer that way."
"Safer for whom. You or them?"
"Both I suppose. I used to be so sure of who I was Duncan, but now I'm not so sure. You see things have changed I've changed. It's just, I can't remember the last time I felt like this, at peace, contented. I'm scared of losing it. Since I've been in Paris with you I've seen things and felt things I didn't think were possible for me. I've been so numb in body and mind for so long" Alex could see from Duncan's eyes that he wanted to hear more "Take this morning I woke early just before dawn I watched as the sun rose and the light filled the room. I've seen the dawn many times on stake- outs and things but I've never noticed how many different colours there are, how the shadows make things look so different." he could tell from her eyes that all these new feelings were over whelming her a little.
"I feel the person I was is gone and I don't think I can go back to being who they want or expect me to be" he watched her eyes misted again with tears. Duncan had seen the look in her eyes before after she had awoken from one of her nightmares, the horror and fear of what had happened to her written clearly in her eyes. He said nothing just gently squeezed her hand to give her courage to continue. "Oh Duncan I've spent so long living in the shadows, making myself numb to what was happening to me and those around me. I thought that if I destroyed Lazarski it would free me but now I'm not sure. You see I think it was me all along, I was keeping myself trapped. I know you want me to see Ray and the others but I'm afraid, if I see them they will pull me back. Before I could handle it I was numb nothing could hurt me but that Alex died when she fell from that bridge. Ray will want me to be who I was not who I've become"
Duncan leant forward pulling her into his embrace as her tears started to fall again "No one is going to make you do anything you don't want to. I won't let them, but you can't hide from who you were or who you've become. The longer you put off facing your fears the harder it will become. Believe me I know" Duncan said as Alex buried her face into his shoulder as he stroked her hair. Duncan held her as she let all of her buried feelings flood out. Duncan didn't push her to talk anymore, he knew this was a journey she had to make alone all he could do was be there for her.
When Alex had exhausted herself and lay sleeping Duncan had gone to look out of the window at the park below, his mind running through all she had told him. Compared to him she had lived only a very short time but because of one of his kind it had been full of pain. The thought of how many others lives Lazarski had plunged into nightmares, made his temper rise and without realising it his fist had slammed into the windowsill. The sound woke Alex "Duncan are you all right?" Alex said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, he turned towards her and smiled "I'm fine, sorry I didn't mean to wake you".
"I sleep to much lately"
"You need your rest if you're going to get better" Duncan said as he crossed back to the bed sitting on the edge. The desire to go after Lazarski was burning inside him but he was trying to keep his manner calm but Alex could see from his eyes what he was thinking and the only way she could think of stopping Duncan going after Lazarski was if he was behind bars. "Duncan, I thought about what you said and your right I should talk to Ray. Can you arrange it?"
"Of course. Your sure you want to do this?" Duncan didn't want her to feel she had to do anything she didn't want to. Alex smiled "I'm sure"
"Ok, I'll sort it out tonight". Duncan said Alex had seen the look Duncan had in his eyes in others before, the fire of the hatred that burned inside, the need to make someone suffer written clearly. Alex had in the past even seen the same look reflected in her own eyes as she had stared into a mirror. She knew that Duncan had a dark side he managed to keep well hidden but his eyes betrayed him to those who knew what to look for. He wanted Lazarski dead and he was more than capable of doing it. Before she could ask him anything the door opened and Methos walked in. "And how is my patient today?"
"Ready to take on the world again" Alex replied smiling, Duncan had told her all about Methos's part in her recovery but Methos had never mentioned anything about how he had done it or where he had found the cure and Alex didn't think she should ask. "Well, MacLeod isn't it time you left me and my lovely patient alone?" Methos said as he threw his coat over the spare bed "Ok I'm going. I'll be back in the morning" Duncan said as he leaned over to kiss Alex, he then walked past Methos towards the door "I don't suppose you have any interesting stories about Duncan" Alex asked as Methos settled into the chair. Alex's question stopped Duncan at the door "Don't you dare" Duncan said smiling as he pointed to Methos.
"Well now you come to mention it!" Methos replied with a big grin on his face, Duncan threw his hands in the air, as he knew he wasn't going to win this one.
Alex's condition improved day by day until the Doctor decided that she no longer needed to be kept in the intensive care unit. Alex had been moved to a private room, which Duncan paid for he didn't want to take the chance that anyone else might become involved if Lazarski tried to get to Alex. Duncan had chosen a room with a large window that looked out over the park, which was next to the hospital. Ray had called the hospital several times but each time Alex had refused to talk to him. Duncan had tried to find out why she wouldn't but Alex always fell silent. He had tried different approaches but finally decided that she would tell him when she felt the need. Duncan had used the time Joe and Methos were watching Alex to go to see Fitz at his apartment to apologise for the way he had spoken to him,but his friend wouldn't hear of it. "You had every right to be angry with me, I know I was when I realised just how easy it was for them to distract me. Water under the bridge old boy, nothing more to be said" It was like the incident had never happened, they both knew what they had done but they let it go. Now between Duncan, Methos, Joe and Fitz they had a rota to ensure that Alex's was never alone.
Duncan had relieved Fitz who had been on the night shift several hours ago and he had been alarmed to hear that Fitz had been telling Alex about his version of the past. Alex was propped up with several pillows behind her listening as Duncan told her his version, her mind filling with images of the far away places lost in the mists of time. Duncan told Alex of how Paris had changed over the years. His descriptions of the places he was going to take her when she was fully recovered were so detailed Alex could almost believe she had already been there. The thought of actually seeing these places with her own eyes started to fill her with excitement, something she hadn't felt for a long time. Duncan had also described places in London he had been to, the times he had shared there with Fitz and the trouble they had gotten into. He wanted to make sure Alex knew the true versions of events, not just Fitz's colourful version.
The phone ringing stopped Duncan telling more of his side of the story about the time they had tried to take crown jewels. Alex had been amused by the differences in the two versions and she smiled as she watched Duncan pick up the phone. "Duncan it's Ray. How is she today?"
Duncan looked across at Alex "Nothing much has changed since you called the other day. Is there something else you want?" Duncan asked as he watched the smile on Alex's face fade as she realised who Duncan was talking to. "I really need to speak with Alex she might be able to help us" there was a slight plea in his voice but Duncan could see from Alex's face she wasn't going to talk to him.
"I'm sorry Ray but Alex won't talk to you. Is there anything I can help with?"
"It's kind of you to offer Duncan but I really need to talk to Alex on this one but try and persuade her this really is important"
"I'll try but I'm not promising anything. It's her decision" Duncan said before replacing the receiver.
As Ray put the receiver down Thomas erupted "He can't tell us if we can see Alex or not. Who the hell does he think he is?" Thomas shouted as he grabbed his coat from the bed. Ray had not been prepared for Thomas's reaction at all "Where are you going?" he asked as he stepped in front of Thomas "the hospital we need to know if she knows where Lazarski is now. We haven't got the time to chase our tails until some jumped up antique dealer will let us see her"
"Wow calm down. It's not Duncan who doesn't want us to see Alex, its Alex. I don't know why but she won't and going down there shouting the odds isn't going to change her mind." Ray said his hands up in front of him ready to stop Thomas physically if he had to. He couldn't understand his partner's behaviour since they had arrived back in Paris. After the text message in the car Thomas had made one phone call when they had got back to the hotel. His mood had changed instantly, he became withdrawn and he was very insistent that they needed to see Alex, which was unusual, as Thomas never liked taking help on a case especially from Alex. Thomas had never forgiven her for solving a case he had worked on for months, McCormack had brought Alex in when it looked like all their efforts would be wasted and within days she had found the man they wanted. Ray always wondered about the method she had used but he couldn't fault the results.
"Duncan said he would talk to her again, see if he can't persuade her to see us and I think we should leave it to him." Ray stared into his partner's eyes but Thomas wouldn't keep eye contact with him "and what are we to do in the mean time?" Thomas asked as he moved away from Ray "our job. Let's see if our French friends have managed to come up with anything. Duncan we call me if she changes her mind" Ray could see from Thomas's body language that he didn't like this option but the last thing Ray wanted was a shouting match at the hospital. As Thomas watched his partner pull on his jacket covering the gun hostel under his left arm, he wonder how he could break away from him without Ray getting suspicious. His caller had been very specific that this had to be handled soon or he would be the loser and he wasn't about to let Alex make him a loser again.
Duncan then walked over to Alex's bed sitting down beside her. "Are you ready to tell me why you won't talk or see them?" Alex turned her head away looking out of the window, she didn't know how to explain what she was feeling, as she wasn't really sure herself. "Alex, they're your friends, Ray concerned about you, he doesn't understand why you won't see him," Alex continued to look out of the window but Duncan could just see the glistening of tears in her eyes. He gently lifted her head turning her to face him. "Hey, something is wrong to get you this upset, talk to me Alex, maybe I can help" Duncan said as he wiped away the tears that were rolling down her face "I can't"
"Yes you can" Duncan said taking hold of Alex's trembling hand "I.I'm afraid Duncan"
"You don't have to be afraid you're not alone. Take your time I'm not going anywhere" Alex licked her dry lips as she tried to collect her thoughts so they would make sense. Alex closed her eyes for a moment before looking back up into Duncan's eyes. "They were never my friends, they were just people I worked with. I never allowed anyone to get close enough to be my friend, it was safer that way."
"Safer for whom. You or them?"
"Both I suppose. I used to be so sure of who I was Duncan, but now I'm not so sure. You see things have changed I've changed. It's just, I can't remember the last time I felt like this, at peace, contented. I'm scared of losing it. Since I've been in Paris with you I've seen things and felt things I didn't think were possible for me. I've been so numb in body and mind for so long" Alex could see from Duncan's eyes that he wanted to hear more "Take this morning I woke early just before dawn I watched as the sun rose and the light filled the room. I've seen the dawn many times on stake- outs and things but I've never noticed how many different colours there are, how the shadows make things look so different." he could tell from her eyes that all these new feelings were over whelming her a little.
"I feel the person I was is gone and I don't think I can go back to being who they want or expect me to be" he watched her eyes misted again with tears. Duncan had seen the look in her eyes before after she had awoken from one of her nightmares, the horror and fear of what had happened to her written clearly in her eyes. He said nothing just gently squeezed her hand to give her courage to continue. "Oh Duncan I've spent so long living in the shadows, making myself numb to what was happening to me and those around me. I thought that if I destroyed Lazarski it would free me but now I'm not sure. You see I think it was me all along, I was keeping myself trapped. I know you want me to see Ray and the others but I'm afraid, if I see them they will pull me back. Before I could handle it I was numb nothing could hurt me but that Alex died when she fell from that bridge. Ray will want me to be who I was not who I've become"
Duncan leant forward pulling her into his embrace as her tears started to fall again "No one is going to make you do anything you don't want to. I won't let them, but you can't hide from who you were or who you've become. The longer you put off facing your fears the harder it will become. Believe me I know" Duncan said as Alex buried her face into his shoulder as he stroked her hair. Duncan held her as she let all of her buried feelings flood out. Duncan didn't push her to talk anymore, he knew this was a journey she had to make alone all he could do was be there for her.
When Alex had exhausted herself and lay sleeping Duncan had gone to look out of the window at the park below, his mind running through all she had told him. Compared to him she had lived only a very short time but because of one of his kind it had been full of pain. The thought of how many others lives Lazarski had plunged into nightmares, made his temper rise and without realising it his fist had slammed into the windowsill. The sound woke Alex "Duncan are you all right?" Alex said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, he turned towards her and smiled "I'm fine, sorry I didn't mean to wake you".
"I sleep to much lately"
"You need your rest if you're going to get better" Duncan said as he crossed back to the bed sitting on the edge. The desire to go after Lazarski was burning inside him but he was trying to keep his manner calm but Alex could see from his eyes what he was thinking and the only way she could think of stopping Duncan going after Lazarski was if he was behind bars. "Duncan, I thought about what you said and your right I should talk to Ray. Can you arrange it?"
"Of course. Your sure you want to do this?" Duncan didn't want her to feel she had to do anything she didn't want to. Alex smiled "I'm sure"
"Ok, I'll sort it out tonight". Duncan said Alex had seen the look Duncan had in his eyes in others before, the fire of the hatred that burned inside, the need to make someone suffer written clearly. Alex had in the past even seen the same look reflected in her own eyes as she had stared into a mirror. She knew that Duncan had a dark side he managed to keep well hidden but his eyes betrayed him to those who knew what to look for. He wanted Lazarski dead and he was more than capable of doing it. Before she could ask him anything the door opened and Methos walked in. "And how is my patient today?"
"Ready to take on the world again" Alex replied smiling, Duncan had told her all about Methos's part in her recovery but Methos had never mentioned anything about how he had done it or where he had found the cure and Alex didn't think she should ask. "Well, MacLeod isn't it time you left me and my lovely patient alone?" Methos said as he threw his coat over the spare bed "Ok I'm going. I'll be back in the morning" Duncan said as he leaned over to kiss Alex, he then walked past Methos towards the door "I don't suppose you have any interesting stories about Duncan" Alex asked as Methos settled into the chair. Alex's question stopped Duncan at the door "Don't you dare" Duncan said smiling as he pointed to Methos.
"Well now you come to mention it!" Methos replied with a big grin on his face, Duncan threw his hands in the air, as he knew he wasn't going to win this one.