Author's Note: A long, angsty chapter… I was actually planning to post this simultaneously with the next chapter (once it's written), because that's when you finally get all the explanations you've been waiting for (and you'll probably want them, after reading this). The only reason I'm posting this now is because I made the mistake of telling three people who I see almost every day that chapter 13 is complete, and they'd strangle me if I waited any longer to put it up. But the rest of you might be advised to wait to read this until 14 is up. Not that you'll be hurt by waiting, you'll all be reading the fifth book by the time you discover this, and who will have time to think about fanfiction then? Certainly not me ^_^
So – Caroline, Margaret, Sidra – this one's for you.
Chapter Thirteen: Love, Unconditional
She caught him staring at her rounded stomach for the fourth time in ten minutes. "I know what you're thinking," she said, challenging his eyes to meet hers.
"Of course you do; you always do. Good old Satine intuition, right?" His voice was sour, and he turned his head away.
When she remained quiet, he continued. "You knew what was going to happen all along, didn't you? You knew you were going to leave us. That's why you pulled away, isn't it?" No response. "Isn't it, Samantha?!" his voice rose uncontrollably.
"I didn't know, Sirius… I never planned…" But he wouldn't hear it.
"God, Sammy! Don't you know how much that hurt us – all of us? Maybe you never cared for me. I certainly thought you did at one point, but maybe I was just too infatuated to see. But Lily, Sam! It just killed Lily! I've never seen a face more full of shock and pain as that day in the entrance hall! And then me…" his voice dropped, "you knew how much I loved you; you saw me stand by you when no one else would. And yet…" his eyes returned to stare balefully at her stomach. "And yet…"
"Sirius," her eyes were full of tears now, her voice barely audible beneath its trembling. "Don't judge me by that day. I came back to you, didn't I? To Lily and James and Remus and Sarah… I thought you forgave me."
"That's not my point. You knew way back then that you would run off and abandon everyone who loved you. You tried to distance us to spare us the pain of your departure; I know you well enough to realize that. But you realized you weren't ready to leave. Too scared, were you? To go off into the world on your own? So you worked your magic and won us over again? Did you never pause to realize how much worse that would make it when you betrayed us a second time?"
"Sirius! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oh, but you do? All-knowing Lady Sam, right? Did it ever occur to you that maybe just once in your charmed little life that you could be wrong?!? But no, you always know… you knew I wasn't right for you, and so you left, and now that you need help, you've returned."
He sighed. "Because you know."
She hesitated. "Know what?"
"That I still love you."
*~*~*
As she raced through the tunnel into Hogsmeade, Elizabeth tried to focus her mind on what she would say to Sirius when she reached him, but for some reason, memories of her childhood with Sarah kept invading her thoughts. Elizabeth had been six years old when she'd discovered the box of photos hidden away in Sarah's closet –
"Mama, who's the pretty girl in all these pictures with you?"
"That's… my sister. Samantha. Your aunt."
"What happened to her?"
"Don't ask questions. Some things are better left alone, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth sighed. It seemed ridiculous that years more of curious badgering had uncovered little more information than that. "She was my sister. No, we can't visit her, honey; she died when she was young. Now let's see tonight's homework. Don't look at me like that – go on, get it out."
Furiously blinking back tears, Elizabeth wondered if perhaps it would be best if things had stayed that way – so simple and clear-cut. But no, tonight would make up for all those years of secrets. Tonight she would know, because she wanted to, and because she needed to.
She clambered out of the passage with her mind in such disarray that she had made it silently through Honeydukes and out onto the street before she'd given it a thought. She took a left and headed off toward the Shrieking Shack, where she knew, from Harry's letters, that Sirius had taken up temporary residence.
But when she entered several minutes later, she had no idea what to say. She found Sirius in an upstairs room that looked nothing like the rest of the old shack – it was dusted and sparsely filled with somewhat-presentable looking old furniture. Light glowed dimly from a fireplace in the corner and several candles in an old chandelier burned above her head. Sirius looked up from his tattered armchair by the fire as Elizabeth entered, looking only slightly surprised to see her.
"Hey," she said softly.
"What are you doing here, Elizabeth?" His eyes looked so tired that Elizabeth could feel the rush of adrenaline draining out of her just looking at him.
She turned away awkwardly. "I just… needed to talk… I needed some, er, adult guidance…" her voice trailed off uncomfortably.
He looked at her skeptically. "At one in the morning?"
She gave a weak nod, beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea after all. This man had suffered so much already; was it fair to burden him more?
"Aren't your teachers adults? Surely you could talk to one of them. Or your parents…" his voice choked a little. She knew he didn't believe her, but he seemed to be as reluctant to give up the pretense of her excuse as she was.
She was about to tell him the truth when he spoke again, roughly. "Look, I know why you're here. It's an inherited trait, that Satine intuition, and it's led you to me even if you don't know why. But it's not my place to tell you anything, so I recommend you just go."
Elizabeth stared at him, her brow furrowed. Then she took a breath. "Sirius," she said. "I know Samantha was my mother. And I know there was something between you two."
"How?"
She shrugged. "Good old 'Satine intuition?'" she ventured, giving him a weak smile. He didn't return it.
"Please, Sirius," she begged. "I need to know… are you my father?"
He looked at her sharply. "Don't play games with me, Elizabeth," he said sharply. "You know I'm not."
She hung her head. "I know, but… I need to know the truth."
"You don't want to know the truth." Sirius felt his heart breaking as he looked at the teenage girl standing before him. She was so young and beautiful, so much like her mother. And now she knew who that mother was. He felt so torn – for years he had wanted her to know everything, so that he could finally have someone to remember Samantha with, and so he could finally fulfill his promise to her. Now that the moment had arrived, however, he wanted nothing more than to keep this child from knowing more. He alternately wanted to run to her and embrace her like a daughter, and tell her to flee from him before he could tell her the truth.
He returned to his chair and ran a distracted hand through his hair. What would Samantha want? He shivered at the thought, because he honestly didn't know. The Samantha he knew at Hogwarts would have done anything to spare her child from pain, even if it meant keeping her in the dark. But that young, optimistic Samantha had grown up so fast that he had barely recognized her when she'd returned, years later…
Sirius looked wild and frightening, and Elizabeth, feeling uncomfortable, decided to try a different subject. "Er… there was a Quidditch match today… we won…" She trailed off, remembering exactly how they had won and realizing that perhaps she didn't want to get off on the topic of Harry and Ron.
She was about to try something else when Sirius finally looked up, a solemn, far-off look tainting his features. "That's when I first noticed, at a Quidditch match…"
Something in his glance made Elizabeth look down. She felt guilty; this was not something he wanted to talk about, but she couldn't help her next question – "When you first noticed you loved her?"
Tears filled his eyes. "Elizabeth," he whispered, trying to blink them back, "I loved your mother from the day I met her, I was just too young to know it. It's a foolish thing to regret, because what eleven-year-old boy isn't blind to destined love? But I wish I could have seen it from the beginning. As it was, I wasted four years playing senseless pranks her, and by the time I realized what she meant to me, it was too late. Fate had already marked her out…"
*~*~*
"Sam Satine, what's gotten into you?" Lily asked her friend as the two girls pushed their way through the post-match crowds.
Samantha barely looked up. "Huh?" she asked, clutching the book in her arms closer to her chest to protect it from the jostling of the students.
"You were the most exuberant Quidditch fan I knew even before you started dating someone on the team, and afterwards, well…" Lily shrugged her shoulders with a lopsided grin, "…it's safe to say that watching you watch a Quidditch match was almost as exciting as watching the game itself."
"I hope you didn't waste your time watching me instead of James. We wouldn't want a repeat of all the jealous pranks he pulled on me our first four years."
"I watched you enough to know you weren't watching at all."
"Your point?"
Lily was beginning to be annoyed by Samantha's attitude: brisk, bordering on cold. "What's so important about that book that could make you hurt Sirius like that?"
"What about me?" came a bright voice from behind them.
Lily whirled around to see Sirius and James breaking away from cheering Gryffindors to join the girls. Samantha turned around mildly. "You're not hurt, are you?" she asked Sirius.
Something like pain flashed across his face, but in an instant his dashing smile returned. "A little beat up from that bludger that got my shoulder, but nothing that can't be fixed by a hug from my darling Lady Sam."
He reached to embrace her, but she pulled away, a disgusted look on her face. "Honestly, Sirius, don't touch me when you're sweaty," she scoffed, sending him a petulant roll of the eyes. Lily gaped at her friend, but before she could voice her incredulity, Samantha was leaving.
"I'm going to the library," she said. "Post-Quidditch parties get tiring after awhile, so it's not like I'll be missing anything."
She missed the heart-wrenching expression on Sirius' face, but obviously, Lily realized, she was missing a great deal.
***
Lily smiled – it was a beautiful Saturday morning, she was curled up in the Gryffindor common room with a fascinating book, looking up occasionally at Remus and James (who were engrossed in a precarious game of Exploding Snap), and she felt oddly… content. It was so different now that she was with James. Somehow it just made the pressure melt away – she was less high-strung about school-work and rules and even the looming threat of exams in two month's time wasn't having its usual flustering effect on her. James would study with her, James was brilliant. In more than academic ways… her stomach flip-flopped and she couldn't refrain from stealing another glance at his face, despite knowing that her own was burning.
He caught her eyes, then sent a meaningful scowl towards the sixth year girl's dormitory. Lily couldn't miss his meaning, but she didn't want to think about this, not now. But when Remus sent her a similar plea, she sighed and reluctantly got up.
"Samantha?" she murmured, when she'd reached the room and had the door open a crack. "You still sleeping?" Sunlight flooded out of the room and into the hallway and she knew her question was ridiculous. But she wanted an excuse. "Are you sick?" she tried again.
She stepped into the room to see Samantha seated casually at the desk by the window. When she turned to face Lily, she was dazzling – eyes sparkling, skin glowing, hair cascading in radiant waves – Lily was startled. She took a step back. Well, she's obviously not ill, she thought wryly.
Pulling Lily out of her daze came a voice, musical, lilting… Samantha. "Look at the sun, Lil!" she extolled. "Isn't it gorgeous?"
"Yes, it is…" As Lily's confusion ebbed away it was being quickly replaced by anger. "Samantha, where were you this morning?"
"And it's a Saturday, so we can spend the whole day outside, enjoying it!"
"For breakfast, Sam, remember? We were all going to have a picnic breakfast together and then the boys were going to teach us some new Quidditch moves? Remember, Sam?"
"There is no way I'll be able to do homework today. I need to be out there" (gesturing whimsically out the window) "free!"
"We waited, and you didn't come. And after you never showed up last night at the after-party, Sirius, well…"
"I was thinking of walking to Hogsmeade."
"Shut up and listen to me, will you?!?"
Samantha blinked. "Huh?"
Lily, shaking in her frustration, cried, "Sirius, Sam!"
"What about him?" Her blank, unconcerned look was unnerving.
"He was heartbroken. We tried to convince him it was nothing to take seriously; that you were probably tired or overworked or something, but oh, Samantha! He just looked so hurt. Like there's something pulling you two apart and he knows there's nothing he can do about it."
"Where is he?" Samantha's tone was still light, but Lily felt relieved that she was showing some concern. Perhaps this was all some big misunderstanding after all.
"He's on the Quidditch pitch, burning off energy." She slumped down on her bed, feeling suddenly exhausted.
But Samantha just turned back to the window. "Well, that's good then," she commented. "He enjoys that. So that leaves us free to have some fun today. Did you want to come with me? To Hogs…"
Lily tuned her out, her heart racing in sudden worry. This was Samantha, the girl who was crazy about Sirius… what was going on?
Samantha was still talking, but Lily started scanning the room for signs… there had to be some sort of explanation. "I didn't know you could draw," she said abruptly, when her eyes alighted on a sketch on the desk. It looked like she had been recently working on it… or staring at it. It was oddly alluring.
Samantha fixed her eyes on it, too, and suddenly all the vivacious energy seemed to drain out of her, replaced by something more relaxed. Serene. Her eyes glazed over as she murmured, "Well, it's easy to draw someone with such a strong presence."
There was silence as both girls stared at the drawing. Lily's eyes traveled over the dark, handsome face of a boy a little older than she was. His eyes were deep and powerful, and his mouth was set in a determined line. The way his hair fell across his forehead and nearly into those incredible eyes was just so… perfect. Lily nearly gave a deep sigh, but caught herself just in time. James. The name registered somewhere in the back of her dazed mind. Inevitably, the thought of Sirius followed, and that was enough to bring Lily back to reality. Because this definitely wasn't Sirius.
"Samantha!" Lily asked suddenly. "Who is this?"
"Hmm? Oh, just a drawing…"
Lily wanted to believe her, but she wasn't sure that she could. She suddenly felt sick just watching the hungry way her friend gazed at the portrait. She shivered, remembering something else. "Did you say something about going to Hogsmeade?" she asked.
"Yeah; wanna come?"
Lily was stunned. She was sure she had heard wrong. "But… it's not a Hogsmeade weekend," she ventured.
"So?"
"So?!? Sam, you can't just leave school any time you want to go to…"
"Fine. I'll just go by myself, then," Samantha interrupted, sweeping out of the dormitory.
Lily stared after her. What was going on? she wondered bewilderedly. Torn between risking serious punishment and making sure her friend didn't make any further foolish decisions, Lily almost let her go. After all, after how she's behaved she doesn't deserve to have a friend running after her out of concern. But Lily knew she couldn't let her. Something was wrong and she would get to the bottom of it. She grabbed her cloak and followed.
Out of Gryffindor Tower, down to the Entrance Hall, out the oak front doors and onto the path leading into Hogsmeade she followed, before Samantha finally acknowledged her. And then it was only to say, "Knew you'd come," in a smug way Lily would never have expected to be possible coming from Samantha.
Lily didn't know how to respond, so she just followed in silence until they had entered The Three Broomsticks and Samantha had wound her way to a table hidden in a corner. Lily had never seen the table before, but before she could ask Samantha how she'd known it was there, Madam Rosmerta had appeared, beaming at the girls. "Miss Satine," she said pleasantly. "I see you've brought a friend with you this time."
Samantha returned her friendly smile. "This is Lily Evans. You've probably seen her on Hogwarts weekends."
"Ah, yes! The pretty girl that Potter's so hung up on!" Lily blushed. "Yes, Potter and that friend of his, Black, have caused a lot of trouble in here over the years." She winked at the girls. "Not that I don't love it. Now, what can I get for you Miss Evans?"
"Just a butterbeer, I guess," Lily mumbled, feeling guilty about actually ordering something in the pub. It somehow made the fact that she was in Hogsmeade against the rules even worse.
Rosmerta nodded. "And the usual for you, Sammy?" she asked. Lily peered curiously at her friend, who nodded. "Lovely," Rosmerta continued. "Expecting anyone else?"
"Not today, Rosie," Samantha smiled.
Rosmerta regarded her with a twinkle in her eyes. "Well, I'll be right out then."
As soon as she left, Lily looked at Samantha suspiciously. "'The usual'?" she asked.
Samantha laughed. "Oh, just a butterbeer with a twist of cinnamon; nothing to worry about, Lil."
"Have you been coming here often?"
Samantha's smile faded. "Lily…" she sighed. "Let's not talk about this, okay?" Her gaze dropped to her napkin and she picked at it absently until Rosmerta brought the drinks.
"There you are, now. I'll just add that to your tab, Sam. You ladies have a lovely afternoon."
Lily watched Rosmerta's turquoise heels click out of sight, and sighed. She didn't know what to say; something was troubling Samantha, but she knew it wouldn't do any good to try and pry it out of her. Samantha may have been as sweet as can be, but she could be awfully stubborn at times. At least she seemed to have lost that haughty attitude she'd been wearing all week. It was strangely comforting to see her looking so unsure of herself again.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Samantha murmured, breaking the silence. Lily looked up, startled, but was careful not to respond. Sure enough, after a short pause, Samantha continued. "I love you all so much – you, Sarah, James, Remus, Peter…" she sighed, "…Sirius. But it all feels so strange lately. Like even though Sarah's being sweeter than ever, I don't know whether to trust her. Her explanation for being so awful was believable, I guess, but it took Sirius' interference to make her realize it. And Sirius… I don't know. You know, he told me he loved me, that night in the fairy haven, and I still haven't said it back. I want to, I just…" she sighed again. "Half the time I love him more than ever, but then I go through these spells where I just can't stand anyone. When I was little, Sarah used to tell me I was too sweet and naïve. I think that might be it – I naively think that everyone is as wonderful as they seem, but then I turn around and wonder if I'm just blind. Maybe Sarah's just pretending to be nice, maybe you don't really want to be my friend, maybe Sirius is just using me…"
Lily had been content to let her friend just talk up until now, but at this, she had to exclaim, "Samantha! You know that's not…"
Samantha interrupted, wearily. "I know. I'm just so… confused." She rested her head on her arm on the table. "I dunno, Lily. This is the first time I've felt like myself in weeks."
Lily stared at her, biting her lip in concern.
"I'm glad you came with me," Samantha murmured, lifting up her head and giving Lily the first genuine smile Lily had seen from her in days. "I'm actually really glad it was you and not someone else."
Lily smiled and took Samantha's arm, deciding it would be best not to dwell on this subject. It confused her too much, and it seemed that Samantha had come to something of a reconciliation within herself anyway. Maybe all she'd needed was a little attention from her best friend. "Come on, then," she said. "We should be getting back." The two girls walked side by side back to the castle.
Lily never asked who else Samantha would have been with it she hadn't been there.
***
James came hurrying up to the girls as soon as they stepped through the portrait hole. "Lil," he said, rushing up to her with a worried frown. "Where've you been?"
Samantha smiled as Lily was pulled away from her and into James' tight embrace. It felt so good to be back with her friends. She mentally scolded herself for having been so distant the past few weeks.
"What's the matter?" Lily was asking.
James ran a hand through his messy hair. "There was just a prefect's meeting, and you missed it." He narrowed his eyes at Samantha. "You did, too, come to think of it," he added. Samantha shivered. She and James were still more distant than the rest in their group, as they'd only just started becoming friends, and his looks could still be less-than-friendly on occasion.
"A prefect's meeting?" Lily asked, frowning. "There wasn't one scheduled."
"I know, you would have been there if you'd known about it," he laughed half-heartedly, then shook his head. "It was about all the Dark activity that seems to be building up lately. Nothing serious," he added hastily as Lily's face blanched, "McGonagall and Dumbledore just thought it'd be best if the prefects started scheduling regular meetings just to keep up to date on current events, so that if, you know, something serious does happen, we'll be ready to give our houses well-informed accounts."
Lily sighed. Rumors of the Dark Lord and his followers had been rampant for years now, but being snuggled safely away at Hogwarts had a way of making her forget them.
Samantha was shaking all of a sudden, but she wasn't exactly sure why. None of this was new to her, the Satine family had been fighting Dark wizards for years, but the mention of it seemed to be affecting her worse than usual. And just when things were starting to feel better, she thought, looking at Lily sadly.
She started off toward her dormitory, needing to be alone, when a warm arm encircled her shoulders. "You okay?" Sirius whispered in her ear. She felt a sudden overwhelming wave of gratitude toward him, and hugged him close. He seemed surprised.
"I'm so sorry," she murmured into his chest, and he relaxed against her.
"It's okay," he replied.
"No, it's not. I should have been there this morning, and after the Quidditch match, and I've just been so horrible and…"
He pulled her closer to silence her. "Shh… I said it's okay. I know something's been troubling you and however long it takes you to work it out, I'll be right here, alright?"
Her eyes filled with tears, and she slowly pulled away. "I'm going to go upstairs and get some rest. And I still have that article for the Observer to write…"
"You want help?"
"No, I'm fine. I'll… talk to you later?"
She looked so weak and lost that he wished she'd talk to him now.
"Yeah, that's fine," he said.
With a sigh, he watched her walk away.
***
The next morning Lily awoke early. Sunday breakfasts were always the best, and she didn't want to miss out. She felt strangely content today, even though, what with disobeying a major Hogwarts rule by sneaking into Hogsmeade and then missing that prefect's meeting, yesterday shouldn't have made her feel so relieved. But it did; it had just felt so good to see Samantha in Sirius' arms again, even if only briefly.
She snatched a copy of the weekly Hogwarts Observer from the pile just outside the Great Hall, and opened it to her favorite section as soon as she was seated at the Gryffindor table.
She stared at Samantha's column in disbelief. What on earth?!? She thought. I thought we'd cleared all this up yesterday! Breakfast forgotten, she read the article, hoping against hope that this was all some joke.
When the Veil Is Lifted
By Lady Sam
We all have blind spots where our friends are concerned, but I have to stop and wonder, "Is that fair?" It's always been fine for me to call a certain oily-haired Slytherin a slimy git on occasion, but would I receive the same appreciative laughs were I to turn around and call four friends a group of marauding rule-breaking hooligans? Hmm… bad example, as I'm sure they wouldn't mind that one bit… But seriously, I've recently come to realize that I let illicit, hypocritical, ridiculous, or even just plain annoying behaviors pass me unnoticed under the name of "friendship." But today I plan to break that veil and discover the things that we pretend not to notice. After all, what's the point? No one's perfect, so why pretend?
First of all, the most common complaint you've come to see in this column: What is wrong with our Charms department?!? Why do they insist on keeping us ignorant to the more important uses of charms? (You're all accustomed to my rants on the lack of Ancient Magic education in our curriculum.) They claim to have such faith in the abilities of us students, yet censor us from more advanced magic?
More specifically, does anyone notice how much food a blond fourth year Hufflepuff consumes? Why do we all encourage it as if it's amusing? It's disgusting. But even more disgusting is how we fail to see people for what they really are. Like how one of my fellow sixth year Gryffindors is hailed as understanding and wise. Right. Isn't he part of the infamous four mentioned above? Breaking rules every chance they get? And we go to him for advice?
And then there's the red-haired prefect who claims to be all high and noble. "Don't you dare help him with the answers! He should do his homework on his own!" But wait – didn't I spot her allowing a dashing Quidditch star to copy her Arithmancy assignment when he came back late from practice? I guess even the most principled have their weaknesses for good looks…
Lily's hands trembled as she continued reading. The writing grew more unpolished and the insults more personal…
Who does VW think she is, critiquing fellow students on the maintenance of their hair? Can she not see the rat's nest living on her head? And speaking of hypocrites, AH was seen declaring his undying love for SJ near the Astronomy Tower last Tuesday, and kissing KL in that same place just two days later. I wonder if SJ knows? By the way, has anyone else noticed the disgusting bias displayed by a certain CoMC teacher? And towards the students of HH, too, most of which are hopeless blubbering idiots?!
Also seen: Caroline snogging Hotcellist near the Forbidden Forest. (Wasn't it Dennis just last week? Has she no shame?) Margaret using a complex charm to create those perfect golden curls she's known for. (And she claims they're natural?!) Sidra stealing Ashley's necklace and passing it off as an antique once belonging to her French great-great-grandmother, Tessa running from the Quidditch field in one shoe and no skirt, Kristin forcing her lovely phoenix to clean up her rubbish-pile of a dormitory, Samara drawing up plans to take over Hogwarts (in true Slytherin fashion), Nicole, hidden in the Restricted Section of the library writing letters to her Muggle boyfriend (wonder when she plans to tell her friends about him?)…
Lily couldn't read anymore. She skipped down to the bottom and gasped.
And people are under the illusion that Hogwarts is full of wonderful, respectable students? My advice for the week: start looking a little closer.
Disgusted to be one of you,
Lady Sam
Lily was shaking so hard that she barely noticed James slip up behind her and rest his chin on her shoulder. "What's wrong?" he whispered, thrillingly close to her ear. But her heart didn't give its usual leap. Instead she turned and, ashen-faced, handed him the article. Then she strode purposefully toward Samantha, who had entered the hall while Lily had been reading and was now sitting a few seats down, gazing idly over a complicated Charms diagram.
"What is wrong with you?" she asked, her voice quiet, but dangerously serious.
Samantha looked up blankly. "Hey, Lil. What's the problem?"
Lily's eyes flashed. "That article," she spat. "How could you write that? How could you say those horrible things? Don't you know how many people are going to be furious with you? Don't you realize how you're messing with people's lives?!?"
"Lighten up, Lily. I have every right to make people aware we're not all as wonderful as we pretend. I'm just writing the truth."
"Well, here's one to add: Samantha, who pretends to be so sweet and angelic, is in reality nothing more than a repulsive, cruel little brat set on making everyone miserable!"
Samantha blinked at her. From the other side of the table, James guffawed loudly. "This is great!" he cried. Lily gaped at him. "She's right, Lil – lighten up. It's all a joke, can't you see? And it's funny, because this is all so true. We all know it anyway, it's not like it's hurting anyone. Caroline and Hotcellist, ha! He's been making eyes at her for months! This is like a gossip column in disguise. I love it! Wait 'til I show Sirius!" He chuckled once more and then got up to go in search of his friends, but paused when he saw Lily's face. "C'mon, Lily, it's only for fun. Don't be so upset."
Lily sighed, hating herself for the tears she could feel beginning to prick her eyes. This is no game, she thought fiercely, this is not the sweet Samantha we all know. This is not right. But all she said was, "You're right. Go on, then. Show Sirius. He could use a good laugh." After the way Samantha's been ignoring him lately, he certainly could.
James grinned and disappeared; Lily sat down heavily, avoiding the triumphant eyes of her friend. For the first time in her life, she felt a surge of hate toward Samantha, but it was accompanied by a surge of worry just as strong.
***
Three class periods later, Samantha still hadn't realized Lily was giving her the cold shoulder. She chattered on idly to her friend, completely unaware that she was getting nothing more than annoyed glares in response. The bell rang, and Samantha followed as Lily stormed from the classroom. Lily needed to think, and she didn't want Samantha anywhere near her. But Samantha was next to her, holding out a piece of parchment. Lily glanced at it – a drawing, of the same boy as the one on her desk. She frowned. "Well," Samantha was saying impatiently. "What do you think of it?"
"I don't know. What should I think of it?" Lily asked tersely.
"Well, isn't he perfect?"
Lily's eyebrows shot together. What? "Who is it?!" she nearly shouted. She wasn't sure how much longer she could hold back her growing frustration.
Samantha frowned. "No one really. Just… well you know how everyone always has something about them that can drive you insane? Some little fault? Well, just look at him. He doesn't have one." She smiled, almost smugly. "He's perfect."
They had reached the entrance hall now, and Lily whirled around in disbelief. "What is WRONG with you?" she screamed. Samantha stepped back at the sudden fury in her voice; the other students in the hall sped up on their way to classes. "If there's anyone with 'some little fault that can drive someone insane,' it's you! Pretending for years to be so sweet and angelic and then turning on all of us who've come to love you! Ignoring your sister, who is trying so hard to make things up to you! Breaking poor Sirius's heart by forgetting about him and insulting him and not watching his Quidditch matches!"
Samantha turned nervously, spotting Sirius, James, Peter and Remus, coming down the hall. "Lily, hush," she urged, only making Lily more infuriated.
She brandished a copy of the Hogwarts Observer under Samantha's nose. "Making fools of all your classmates!" she continued. "Not listening to the advice of your best friend! Pushing away all the people who want to help you! Getting so annoyed with everyone and everything when we're the ones being so kind and understanding and you're being the insufferable brat!"
"Lily, will you shut up?" Samantha cried. She was beyond annoyed. She was suddenly wondering why she had ever been friends with Lily in the first place. Now all she could see were her dozens of imperfections – she was overprotective, clingy, an over-achiever, always bothering in other people's business… and she's calling me insufferable? Samantha wouldn't stand for it.
"You're nothing more than a pathetic little Mudblood anyway," Samantha retorted with an arrogant roll of the eyes.
There was silence. Lily stopped breathing; she couldn't believe what she'd just heard. Had Samantha called her a… she couldn't even bring herself to think it. Beside her, James tensed, his eyes bugging out. Then he let out his breath in a long, furious growl. "Why you little…" he muttered, stepping toward her, fingers twitching as if preparing to strangle Samantha, the girl who they'd once thought so innocent, who was standing before them now, coolly regarding them with mocking eyes.
But before James could make a move, Sirius stepped protectively in front of Samantha.
"What are you doing, Black?" James snarled. "Get out of the way."
"You get out of the way, Potter," Sirius returned, just as coldly. "Don't think you're going to touch her."
James spluttered. "Did you not hear what she just said?!?"
"Yes, I heard. But I'm asking you to hold that temper of yours until we find out what's really wrong."
"'What's really wrong'?" James repeated incredulously. "How can you dare stand up for her?"
Sirius put a strong arm around her waist, showing he wasn't about to back down. "Move," James said fiercely.
Sirius just stepped closer. "Leave her alone, Potter. Just leave."
Behind James, Lily let out a soft whimper, and she couldn't hold back the tears gathering in her eyes. It was enough. James launched himself at Sirius and punched him hard in the face. Sirius stumbled back, but his eyes never lowered, and he refused to step aside from Samantha. "Go," he repeated softly.
James grimaced. "You're a fool, Black," he growled, and pulled back another fist.
"James, no!" Lily's voice, trembling, stopped him. "Please," she whispered, through steady tears. "Let's just go. There's nothing you can do." She shivered as she realized how true the words were. Even after yesterday, nothing had changed. Samantha was still slipping away, and for the first time, Lily stopped caring. She wasn't going to fight anymore. If this was the way it was going to be, then fine. Samantha could just disappear for all she cared.
James's face was dark; he had no intention whatsoever of backing down, but the desperation in Lily's eyes affected him more than he would have liked to admit. He cast Sirius one last glare, spitting out, "Staying with her will cause you nothing but pain, Black, and I hope it's terrible," before turning stiffly, gathering Lily in his arms, and marching away without a backward glance.
Sirius stared after them for a minute, before sitting down heavily on the cold stone floor – he didn't think his legs could support him any longer. His nose was bleeding freely and from the pain searing through his face he knew he'd be sporting two black eyes in the morning. He didn't care. All he cared about at the moment was that there was a deeply troubled girl sitting next to him, where she had slid weakly to floor beside him. He knew Samantha better than anyone; he knew how wonderful she was, and he was not to going to lose that.
She was shaking. It surprised him how quickly she could change from the insolent teenager to the delicate child these days. He put an arm around her, letting her know that he was there until she was ready to confide in him, and waited. For a moment, she let her head fall limply onto his shoulder, and he pulled her onto his lap, trying to soothe the tension he could feel within her.
She jumped back. "God, Sirius," she muttered. "You're so clingy."
And for what felt like the hundredth time in such a short while, she walked away from him.
Sirius sat there, in the middle of the entrance hall, alone and with a bloody nose, feeling like a fool.
*~*~*
Elizabeth was having difficulty finding her voice. She swallowed. "What happened then?"
Sirius didn't even look up. "That next month was the hardest of my life," he said into his lap. "She was completely separated from us. Lily, Remus, Peter, and James, especially, ignored her, and she ignored us. They tried to get me to forget her, but I couldn't. I kept trying to catch her eyes – in the halls, during class, in the common room – but she saw right through me. It was worse even than when she'd been pulling away; before, she yelled at me, now I didn't even exist. She forgot us all, even Sarah, and withdrew completely into her studies. And Intoned Charms." He paused thoughtfully. "That was when she become obsessed with Intoned Charms. She never did master one, though." Elizabeth shivered, recalling how much she treasured Samantha's little cream book on the Ancient Magic – the book she had probably been reading during the estrangement from her friends.
Sirius sighed, and Elizabeth could almost feel the weight on his heart. "The memories from that month will be burned forever in my mind," he murmured. "The arrogant look on her face whenever she correctly answered a teacher, the way she suddenly thought herself above even the faculty… the way she looked at all of us as if we were nothing. The weeks passed, and no matter how I tried reaching out, she wouldn't respond.
"I remember one night, as I lay in bed, I finally made the resolution to forget her. Or to move on, at least, because I knew it would be impossible to forget her. I forced myself to believe that it was hopeless, that I had been deceived in her character from the beginning, and that this new Samantha was the real Samantha, and not just a lost little girl going through a terrible phase. It took me ages, but I think I finally prepared to give up hope…"
"And?" Elizabeth asked into the pause that followed.
"And right as I was about to give up, I found the sign I had been waiting for. There was something more to it than we all knew, and Samantha needed help, not abandonment.
"I was the only one left who could save her. But even that did no good in the end."
*~*~*
Sirius lay wide-awake in his four-poster bed gazing agitatedly up at the scarlet hangings. A month had passed since the scene in the Entrance Hall, and he hadn't had a word from Samantha since. Not that he hadn't tried, he wanted more than anything to reach out to her, he just couldn't lose her, but nothing had worked. He didn't even know her anymore. This arrogant, self-absorbed girl she had turned into bore no resemblance to the Samantha he loved, the Samantha he knew was still trapped inside. It scared him to death, the way she spent all her time hungrily researching Intoned Charms and the Ancient Magic, claiming that because of her heritage, she could soon master it. It had been an idle hobby before, but it had evolved into an obsession.
He rubbed his eyes. How could he still care about her so much after what she had done? The scene last month had been the worst, but the insults had continued. She found the bad in everyone these days, teachers and students alike. The girl who had always seen nothing but good, the girl who had continued adoring her big sister even as Sarah was being exceptionally nasty… She had even insulted Dumbledore, Sirius shivered, remembering. Not to his face, but still where anyone could have heard. "He's such a fool, pretending to be all noble by only using good magic! Why not use Dark Arts to conquer the Dark Lord and just be through with it? Who cares how it's accomplished as long as our side wins?"
And you still love her?!? Sirius suddenly despised himself for it, despised her for doing this to him. Well, enough is enough! I will not let her torment me any longer! From now on, Samantha Satine is nothing to me! But even thinking the name was enough to make his heart beat faster. He couldn't really believe she had meant those things she'd said. She was being horrible, yes, but this wasn't Samantha, not really. It was a poor young girl, lost, floundering, and he wanted to be there to pull her out again.
He sighed, frustrated beyond belief. He was so confused. Unable to lay there any longer, he tore back his covers and slipped distractedly down the staircase and into the common room. He didn't notice Lily until he sat down on the couch in front of the fire, right beside her. Her worried face was enough to make him forget his inner struggle for the moment.
"Lil, what's wrong?" he asked, regarding her quizzically. Had she been crying? He shivered.
There was a long pause, then, "She hasn't come back yet."
Sirius stared at her, uncomprehending. Then he realized why it had taken her so long to answer – she was talking about Samantha, and she didn't like people knowing that she still cared about her after all that had happened. Sirius felt unexpectedly warm. He and Lily were the two people who knew Samantha the best, so it made sense that only the two of them would be able to see through whatever was going on with her. If Lily still had hope Samantha was capable of redeeming herself… Sirius tried to stem the thought. It was too good to hope for.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Lily looked upwards, and Sirius had the suspicion she was blinking back tears. "She's been disappearing a lot lately, every Saturday, sometimes week nights… I'm pretty sure she's going to Hogsmeade. She… she took me with her one time. But she left this evening, after dinner, and she hasn't returned yet, and I… I…" her voice grew fainter, "…don't want anything to happen to her," she finished weakly. "I can't help it."
Sirius's throat felt oddly tight. "You should get some sleep," was all he could manage.
When she made no move to go, he added, "I'll be here."
She looked at him, surprise obvious in her eyes. Apparently, like Sirius, she had just discovered that she was not alone in holding onto hope for her friend. She nodded; his words were like an unspoken agreement: he cared about Samantha, too, and he would make sure she was safe. Lily reached out and squeezed his hand before making her way silently up the staircase.
For nearly two hours, Sirius sat in the common room, gazing into the fire. He was just wondering if he should go alert Dumbledore, when he heard the Fat Lady's portrait creak and Samantha stepped into the room. He stood up and walked until only a few paces separated them.
She was unlike he had ever seen her – white, pale, shaking, and there was a dark look in her eyes so panic-stricken that he almost stepped back in fear, but then he remembered himself and reached out a hand. He knew she wouldn't take it, he could tell that nothing had changed, but despite all she had done, he still needed her, and he felt the sense, now stronger than ever, that she needed him, too.
He was watching her eyes, those eyes that had terrified him his first four years at Hogwarts… he almost laughed. He had been so afraid of falling in love with her, and now he was petrified of losing her.
He hoped he wasn't too late.
Concentrating on her eyes, he strained to see some hint of the sweet Samantha he knew within them, but it was difficult to focus: emotions were flitting through them too fast to catch – terror, disgust, vulnerability, desperation… The last emotion remained in her eyes a fraction of a second longer, focused unblinkingly on him, filled with such a strong ache for help, crying out to be embraced, that his heart gave a painful leap. Perhaps this was the moment…
She was reaching out to him.
Sirius held his breath, waiting, longing to hold her and to help her… but just as her hand brushed his, she recoiled, with a look of utter revulsion. Whether it was aimed at him or herself he was suddenly unsure.
"God, Sirius, don't you see?" she screamed, wild-eyed.
He stepped back, stung. Perhaps he was wrong. But then the edge left her eyes and she looked terrified again. "I'm tainted," she whispered hoarsely, so softly that he wondered if he had heard correctly. It was absurd; what could she mean? He was struck again with the idea that she was not in her right mind. Before he could question her, she gave a deep, dry sob, and then she was gone, stumbling up the staircase to the dorms, clutching at her stomach.
Sirius remained in the common room long after she left. He didn't know what to do or think. For the first time in his acquaintance with Samantha, he felt utterly devoid of feeling. All he could do was stare blankly into the dying flames, thinking idly what a shame it was that they would soon be extinguished – the color was so beautiful as it burned, flickering cheerily no matter what terrible scenes passed in front of it. Like Samantha, he thought. Like she used to be, so bright and beautiful and perfect… but now, dying, slowly, extinguishing before my eyes, and there's nothing I can do but sit back and watch her go, because if I reach out, I'll be burned…
He fell asleep before he could watch the last flame flicker and die.
***
The next week proved even more difficult than the past month, though Sirius would have never thought it possible. Now he was nearly jumping out of his skin every time he saw Samantha. He wanted so badly to see that flicker of hope in her again, to shake it into her, anything, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He had no idea how to approach her.
To make matters worse, she was scaring him more than ever. After that night, she had lost any trace of arrogance or cruelty, and was walking around like a ghost, deadly pale and constantly shaking. She looked so tiny and so frightened, and he didn't know what to do. Then, exactly a week after that night in the common room, Sirius saw a sign that made him resolve to talk to her.
It was the day that the prefects had been informed in their weekly meetings that attacks on Muggle settlements were increasing, and Lily had left the room ashen-faced, undoubtedly worried about her own family. Samantha had watched her walking away after the meeting, a struggle apparent in her eyes, when she had finally made up her mind and cried out, "Lily!" There had been real compassion written in her eyes; Sirius had seen it. But James had thrown Samantha a dark look and rushed forward to put a comforting arm around Lily and lead her away. The light had flickered from Samantha's eyes, and she had walked away. But it was there, Sirius insisted, she was reaching out.
And tonight would be the night he'd prove it.
***
As soon as dinner ended that evening, Sirius settled himself in the Gryffindor common room, waiting for the opportunity to confront Samantha. When she came through the portrait hole a few minutes later, however, she went immediately to her dormitory. After nearly three painful hours torn between feeble homework attempts and watching the girls' staircase, Sirius sought out Lily, making sure that James was nowhere nearby before asking her to see what Samantha was doing. When Lily returned to report that she was sound asleep, Sirius gave a frustrated sigh and decided he might as well get some sleep, too.
Feeling like a complete failure, he trudged up the stairs and got into bed. But sleep wouldn't come. After dozing fitfully for awhile, he gave up and slid back down to the now empty common room, wide-awake. He was just reconciling himself to another night on the couch, with no company besides the crackling fire, when a small gasp made him whirl around. Samantha was on the staircase, and she looked to have just fallen, because she was clinging tightly to the banister for support.
The glow from the fire illuminated her face just enough for Sirius to make out the tears shining there. It was enough to make him forget any hesitance: he rushed towards her and led her down the staircase, and she leaned against him without protest.
When they reached the bottom step, they sat down together and Sirius looked Samantha full in the face. He hated that haunted look that tainted those beautiful blue eyes, but looking closer, he saw a sign far more hopeful – the spark in the back that he was sure meant that this was his Samantha he was talking to, the girl he had always known. "What's wrong?" he asked.
Hearing the genuine concern in his voice made Samantha sob aloud. She didn't deserve his sympathy, she thought bitterly. But she did need to talk. "I feel so sick," she murmured.
His hand moved up and down her back in a gentle massage. "Do you need something?" he asked.
She nodded her head, "Yes." Then she shook it. "No, I don't think I'm physically ill… emotionally," she whispered thickly. "Oh Sirius!" she sobbed, and for a moment she could do nothing but cry into his shoulder. Then she looked up, face shining wet with tears. "I've been so awful! And I don't know why, I didn't even realize it until just now, and… I can't believe it, Sirius! What is wrong with me? I would never, never… you know I'm not like that! I just…" she was sobbing so hard now that she was completely incoherent, but Sirius heard her perfectly. He knew exactly what she was trying to express; they were the same confused thoughts he had been having the past few months. "I just feel so sick," she repeated, although this time she looked it, literally.
Clutching one hand to her stomach, and clapping the other over her mouth, she raced to the bathroom just off the stairwell, and Sirius could soon hear her vomiting violently, coughing and spluttering.
He felt sick to his stomach just listening, but he waited patiently until she was done, his eyes scanning the common room idly, noticing the shadows, somehow comforting, that were cast by the furniture, the grandfather clock in the corner, just a minute past midnight… A minute later the heaving had stopped, and Sirius walked into the bathroom to find Samantha panting weakly on the floor. She looked up at him, dazed, as he found a towel and gently wiped off her mouth, before handing her a glass of water.
"You know, I believed you when you said you were so sorry that it made you sick. You didn't have to prove it," he lightly joked. It worked; she looked up at him, a feeble smile on her lips.
"Come here," he said, as he lifted her gently to her feet and half-carried her over to the plush scarlet couch by the fire. As soon as he sat down beside her, she began to cry again, repeatedly muttering how terrible she was and how she could never make it up to them, how she didn't deserve to ever be forgiven. And even though he still had no concrete explanation for her behavior, he knew he had been right in thinking that it hadn't been of her own will. This was the real Samantha. He realized that he had already forgiven her the moment she had opened her mouth. But she couldn't see that, and she continued to sob uncontrollably.
"Shh…shh, Sam, it's okay," he soothed, rocking her slowly in his arms, back and forth, back and forth. "Hey, look at me," he whispered, tilting her chin gently so she could see his face. She shivered – he looked so sincere, so caring, so forgiving. Her heart stopped; he was so wonderful and she didn't deserve him. "Remember what you wrote in that article?"
"Don't; I'll be sick again. Don't remind me."
He continued over her, "Remember how you said friendship can blind you to someone's imperfections?"
She nodded, feeling the tears threatening to start again.
He pulled her closer. "Well, love does the same thing, only stronger. No matter what you do, I know the person you are inside and I'll never stop loving you."
She couldn't hold them back – the tears spilled from her eyes and into his sweater. "Oh, Sirius!" she sobbed, her words muffled in his shoulder. "I'm so sorry! So sorry…"
Kissing her forehead, he pulled her upright so she could see into his face again. Tremulously, she allowed her eyes to meet his (those eyes…) and, taking a deep breath, said what she'd been holding in all year. "I love you, Sirius."
He shivered. It was all he needed. "I love you, too," he murmured. "Always."
Then he closed her mouth with a kiss.
***
After about half an hour of making up for lost time with Sirius, Samantha decided she could not go any longer without finding Lily and attempting to win back her friendship. But when they emerged from the portrait hole, hand in hand, she and Sirius collided head-on with an ashen-faced James.
"What happened?" Sirius asked immediately, his voice tightening.
James' voice was hollow when he answered, as if he'd already had to repeat it more than once. "Another attack. An enormous one this time." Samantha grasped Sirius' hand tighter to her own, already feeling dizzy. "It was in a little Muggle village just a few kilometers away. The Death Eaters, dozens of them, ravaged the place… and left no one alive."
There was a pause, then Sirius asked, "When did it happen?"
"An hour ago, exactly. They attacked at the stroke of midnight," James replied shakily, unable to control his voice any longer.
Exactly an hour ago Samantha had become sick to her stomach… Sirius tried to shake off the thought, but he couldn't. Glancing over his shoulder at Samantha, he knew she was thinking the same thing.
James nodded at her darkly. "What's the matter with her now?" he asked. "And since when are you two talking?" His eyes narrowed as he spotted Sirius' hand, clenching Samantha's tightly.
Sirius looked his best friend straight in the eyes. "Don't you dare give her any trouble, James. She's more sorry than you'll ever know, and she's forgiven. And I have the suspicion she's been through much more pain than she brought on any of us. So forget it."
A struggle took place on James's face. It didn't seem he could just give in that easily, but then he sighed and relaxed somewhat. "I suppose if we're going to win this war, we'll need every bit of support we can get," he said, and put out a hand. Samantha reached to shake it, still too shaken to properly say anything, but as she clasped it, he pulled her into a hug instead. Even James himself seemed surprised. "Lily's missed you," he said huskily. "She'll be so glad you're back." It was a brief embrace, and when he released her, he immediately set off through the portrait hole, a suspicious blush climbing up his neck.
She waited until the Fat Lady closed behind her before meeting Sirius' eyes. And then, pushing aside all dark thoughts for the moment, they laughed.
*~*~*
There was a long pause in which she couldn't bring her eyes to meet his. But then they did, and she determinedly held his gaze, begging him to listen. "I'll tell you everything, I promise, but first, swear to me this: whatever happens, this child" (her hand went protectively to the object of his repeated gaze) "will always have you to look to. Promise me she'll have your protection."
"I can't do that," but his voice shook, and they both knew he was lying.
"You're the only one I'd trust with her. You're the only one who will believe me."
He attempted to ignore the way his pulse quickened with the intoxicating sound of her words by asking,"What good will I be when she'll have you?"
When she didn't answer, he felt a lump form in his throat. She knew something else that he didn't…
"Please, Sirius."
He sighed. "I promise."
Tears sprang to her eyes, falling like tiny diamonds as her face curved in a smile. He had every reason to hate her, and to despise this child, and yet he continued to act on pure love! She wondered, for the hundredth time since meeting him, what she had done to deserve him. She could marvel over it for hours, and still get nowhere near a reasonable explanation… but she caught his eye – this was not the time. Right now, she owed him something long overdue:
An explanation.
But first, she came slowly forward and reached for him, pulling him into the tight embrace she'd been aching for for years.
"I've always loved you," she whispered into his neck. It was amazing the effect those words could have, even after all that had happened. She sighed, realizing that it was truer now than ever.
Sirius clung to her. Explanations could wait. For the moment, this was enough.
AN: Before you go on to the next chapter for the explanation that you deserve just as much as Sirius does, please take a minute to review – I could really use feedback. Thanks! ~ Rose