Title - Anymore is Over
Author name - Carol
E-mail - writestories315@yahoo.com
Rating - PG (one of two mild bad words)
Spoilers -
Standards of Conduct and Season 9
Disclaimer - One word…teacher….think about it. I own a whole lot of test or worksheets. Wanna trade?
Summary - Sorry, not this time
A small warning: this is my first attempt at changing POV's/train-of-thought.
Authors Note's - Borrowing 'I Can't be Your Friend Anymore' by Rushlow.
Also, sending thanks to Dae from across the pond; "Thanks for beta-ing."
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There's always that one moment in your life when everything is going perfect or falling to pieces. Right now it's the latter. I have no idea what to do. I don't know what to say or anything. It's an enigma, my life is a huge puzzle which is missing a few key pieces.
They say they're glad to have me back and I'm happy. Right?
I don't know. I'm glad to be back, but I'm not with her. She welcomed me back and treated me kindly. She smiled at me and treats me like a friend, but there is something missing. Something I know we will never have. Her words, not mine, but I didn't say anything to convince her otherwise. I should have, but as usual I didn't.
She stands there across the bar, sipping her drink. I want to go over, place my arm over her shoulder and laugh with her. I want to feel her and be with her. But that's not my place. I wish it was. I could stand there and feel her arm around my waist. Feel every breath she takes and the rumble of her sweet laughter.
But instead I stand here with the hurt in my chest, filling me up. I wonder if she hurts, too.
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I know he's watching me. I can feel my back tingle from his gaze, plus his reflection is in the mirror on the wall.
Is he happy to be back? I am I glad he's back? Yes, I am. I still miss him. He's not there the way he was. Everyone treats him the same way, but there is part of him missing. It's the part I kicked around. It's the part we all need. It's the part I need.
I need him to be here with me. Just like that night we celebrated about getting Lt. Punkass. He stood next to me with his arm over my shoulder, my arm around his waist. That night I was able to pretend what it would be like to be with him. It felt nice, safe, and warm.
God, why the hell did I say that to him? Why? I've sat up at night, trying to figure that one out. But it's to no avail.
He looks so lost, but I would be the only one ever to notice. That spark in his eye is gone, it's been replaced by something. Something sad which I will never understand. I want his spark back.
I want him back.
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"Hey," I say as I finally move my feet to stand next to her.
"Hey." She smiles back at me. Her lips are curved but she's holding back. If she were to give me a full smile I might fall to my knees.
I offer her my hand. "Dance?"
She stares at me in surprise and shock. Then I see it...hope is there. She places her smaller hand in mine. "Sure."
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He did it. He took the first step. Slowly he leads me across the bar area to the small dance floor. Our hands never leaving the peaceful grasp.
As the music starts to play, my arm slips around his neck while he holds the other against his chest. His arm slides around my waist. It belongs there. I rest my head on his shoulder. His head rests against mine as we let the song take us away.
The words are running in my head and I can't believe how they fit. What would he do if I told him?
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I've got her right here and she's not going anywhere. She's in my arms, I swear she was made for me. I know I was made for her. How can I tell her that?
How can I tell her the truth of my deepest secret is playing in a song? How do I tell her I need her in my life? She is my life.
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This might come as quite a shock
But I've given it a lot of thought
This thing that's come between us, can't be ignored
I've taken all I can
This is where it's gotta end
I can't be your friend anymore
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I need it to end. I need him.
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And I can't be accused
Of not being there for you
How many nights have you shown up at my door
I hope you understand
That this wasn't in my plans
But I can't be your friend anymore
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I tried. I really did. I tried to not fall for her, but it didn't work. I fell faster than anything in the world. I fell like a rock…willingly at that.
She has to understand. She has to know that I care about her. I've been through too much.
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It's killing me to know you
Without having a chance to hold you
And all I wanna do is show you
How I really feel inside
You can run to me, you can laugh at me
Or you can walk right out that door
But I can't be your friend anymore
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I'm not even sure if I am his friend. I'm trying to be, but it's just not working. I'm holding back. We're holding back.
I'm scared of hurting him again. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I know he doesn't know it, but I hurt when he's away. For six months I felt my heart weep for him. It wept for us.
God, I can't walk away from him again.
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So baby now it's up to you
Do I win or do I lose
Will my heart fly or lie broken on the floor
Of take me as I am
I wanna be your man
But I can't be your friend anymore
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I'm already broken. I've already lost this game once. The second time I lost by default. I fortified that time. Is there a third time?
As the music moves along I feel her hand on my neck, she's pulling me closer. I bend more into her. I can feel it, something is there. She's telling me not to give up.
I breathe in a ragged breath, hoping she can't feel it. I lift my head and look down at her. Please, Mac, realize I need this. I need you.
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I can feel him. He's scared. I can feel his fear. We both know what we want, but I don't know if he wants me.
I lift my head and gaze into his eyes.
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It's killing me to know you
Without having a chance to hold you
And all I wanna do is show you
How I really feel inside
You can run to me, you can laugh at me
Or you can walk right out that door
But I can't be your friend anymore
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I'm lost again. She's done it again. 'Just give me one chance,' I plead to her through my eyes. My arm around her waist pulls her closer. I'm holding on to all I can. All I need is to hold her and I can survive…for a little while longer.
Please, one chance. One night to prove myself. All I need is you. Please.
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If I could find my voice I would say something. But I can't. I've lost all functions to talk to him. I can't.
He's looking at me, he's lost and needed me. I hope he needs me. I can feel his heart under my hand; its racing.
The music plays and I know our time is over. It's spoken the truth…our truth.
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We can't be just friends anymore
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I lift my hand from her waist and run my fingers across her cheek. A few deep breaths and I'm ready to talk. These will be the most important words of my life. "We can't be friends."
A tear falls from her eye as she gently shakes her head in agreement. "I know."
I wipe away her tear. "So what do we do?"
She takes a few seconds to think. "I'm not walking out that door without you next to me."
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He's smiling a sad little smile, but it's a start. "Anymore is over."
"Good."
He's pulls our hands off his chest and starts to lead us off the dance floor. We stop by the coat-rack and grab our jackets. Then he gently ushers me out the door.
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It's a start. It's a start to have her. It's all worth it. My life might be in pieces but I know she is the piece of me which holds me together.
It's going to take a long time for me to know if I've won her, but at least I know I have her. Our anymore is over and our future is starting and I'm not ignoring anything that might happen.
She's not my friend, but she will know she's more than that by the time we are able to talk.
The End