Disclaimer – Nope, Lord of the Rings is not mine at all. ^_^
A/N: Whoo, this is my first Lord of the Rings fic, so if I've messed up on any sort of factual information, please do correct me. Oh my… *runs to the calendar* 18 more days 'till The Two Tower comes out…. I can't wait!!
Chapter 1 – "I am fine."
"…for we went needlessly into the Mines of Moria." Legolas stopped, confused all of a sudden. He tried focusing his mind on something as Galadriel went on to say something, but it came back into the same old chorus it had been repeating since Moria.
Mithrandir? Flames… shadow…. Where are you now?
Celeborn now spoke.
Legolas was disoriented. He barely remembered how they arrived at Lothlorien; and only vaguely recalled meeting Haldir. He ached to go away on his own to mourn in solitude for the death of his friend. For the remainder of the audience he doggedly stood with the fellowship, mind blank, and his face was completely devoid of any emotion, save his eyes that were glassy with tears.
I am tired.
The days at Lothlorien were peaceful and lulling.
"Too peaceful for a warrior," mused Legolas aloud, wandering around the ancient oaks. His step faltered. "If I can now call myself one…"
Why did I not run to help Mithrandir?
It was the balrog…
"You are a coward." The statement was cold and hard.
Legolas started and searched intently for the speaker of the voice. I would have heard him approach… "Who is there?" his voice echoed faintly through the trees. There was no reply.
He bit his lip and looked around. There was no one. The words came from his own mouth. He began to feel the stirrings of panic in him.
I can't even control my thoughts anymore…Mithrandir, what is happening?
Mithrandir, help me!
But he is dead.
So then the trees. The trees will help.
Trembling, Legolas climbed up into one and rested on the first strong branch. He leaned his head onto its thick trunk, closing his eyes and breathing in the air deeply. When he opened his eyes again, he felt better and began singing a soft song to the tree, gaining a comfort in doing something so familiar.
"So now I have found you, Legolas, son of Thranduil."
He carefully leaned forward and peered down at the forest floor. "Who is there?" Legolas said, repeating his earlier question. This better not be like before…it better not be… me.
"It is only Haldir, so you should not sound so suspicious. 'Tis a lovely tune you sing."
Legolas jumped lightly off the branch. "Aye, it is the song I have always sung in the forest." He said, trying to avoid Haldir's stare.
"Orophin and Rumil are eager to meet with you again," Haldir said carefully. "But I wanted to speak with you before."
"Of course." Legolas replied, wondering what this was about.
"What troubles you so? I had noticed that you were very distant when we first found you and the fellowship. Something is not right."
Legolas became rooted to the ground.
What troubles me?
Mithrandir's death… and that I could have prevented it…
Nay, it's more than that….
Then what is it?
I myself do not know anymore.
"Legolas?" Haldir said, trying to get the younger elf's attention. He had drifted off into his own thoughts and had forgotten about him. "Legolas?" he repeated.
Legolas suddenly sighed heavily, his face an impenetrable mask. "Nothing ails me, save for the fact that I cannot stay in Lothlorien for as long as I would desire. I am fine." He found himself growing irritated at Haldir's worried look. "I am fine," he said again curtly. "I have mourned for Mithrandir and I will recover from this loss."
"Legolas, there must be more, for even the Lady is worried. When you stood before her with the fellowship, she sensed a deep strife in you."
"Then she is wrong," He raised his stormy eyes to meet Haldir's, who was surprised to find such anger in them. "For I am fine."
Am I?
He ate dinner with the fellowship that night, and spoke not a word. Legolas frowned and set his food down, looking into nothingness.
What use am I if I cannot save the lives of my friends?
Do not think that. You have in fact safeguarded a life…
Whose?
Your own, coward.
He never imagined that his own mind could taunt him so cruelly. Legolas began shaking, and missed Aragorn's startled look.
Afraid of a balrog…
Why, you practically threw Gandalf into the abyss!
"No!" he exclaimed unexpectedly. "I won't hear of it anymore!" He stood up, aware of everyone's gaze on him. Legolas laughed quickly. "Do not look at me so," he chided. "I am not crazy. I was merely listening to a merry tale being told by two of my folk."
Aragorn considered this. "I did not hear it."
"It was high up in the trees, too far away for the ears of men to catch it." Legolas said, hoping it would be left at that.
"Well, tell us, then." Piped Merry. "Why didn't you want to hear the rest of the story if it was funny?"
Legolas' eyes clouded over, and for a moment he was at a loss. "Nay, you wouldn't understand it." He said finally, and quickly turned away. "Master Dwarf, since you have found so much beauty in these woods, would you mind accompanying me to explore this place further?" he asked to divert attention away from his outburst.
Gimli was pleasantly surprised. "Well Master Elf, that is an offer I cannot turn down."
Legolas nearly missed the answer as he tried to quash that dark, mocking voice that threatened to rise again. "Then let us be on our way."
Are you forgetting yourself? You shame the elves by walking in companionship with a dwarf!
I do not prejudice against the dwarves, and not Gimli especially.
Letting Mithrandir die…
Befriending a dwarf…
You are truly pitiable, Prince of Mirkwood.
Gimli was alarmed when Legolas fell against a statue, his face a mixture of terror and anger, crying out in an elven tongue.
What ails me?
You ail yourself.
Legolas grasped Gimli's outreached hand unsteadily, and allowed himself to be seated on a stone bench. He gazed stolidly past Gimli, ashamed that he was witness to his moment of weakness.
The dwarf looked uncertainly at Legolas' empty face.
"Do not worry." Legolas said finally, looking over his head. "I am…ill."
"Ill?" Gimli said incredulously. "My friend, I believe that elves never fall ill. You jest with me."
"Nay, 'tis…." Legolas groped for an excuse. "'Tis what my folk call the sea-longing." This wasn't true, as he hadn't even been close to the sea, but he was strangely satisfied with fooling Gimli. "I will one day have to cross the sea and leave Middle Earth." At least that wasn't a complete lie.
"Ah." said Gimli. "Perhaps you want to rest?"
Yes, rest like the child you are.
He nearly jumped. Instead, Legolas shook his head hard. "I feel like climbing these ancient trees."
Gimli stepped away uncomfortably. "I do not get on well with trees… let us go back."
"Then we will take the way of the trees back!" Legolas cried in a high voice. Without waiting for a reply, he swiftly hoisted himself up into the nearest tree. "Come Gimli, you shall be lost without me!"
"This is madness, elf!" Gimli muttered, smiling in spite of himself, relieved that Legolas seemed to be himself again. He ran, following the sound of the rustling leaves and Legolas' light footsteps. "Exploration indeed. Hmpf."
The rustling suddenly ceased. "I'm sure you will think it is funny to lose me in these woods, Legolas. However, I should like to accompany young Frodo on the rest of the journey." He said loudly. Gimli became unnerved when Legolas did not reply. "Legolas?"
Grumbling, he decided it was a ploy to get him to climb a tree. He tucked his axe under his belt and jumped for the lowest branch he could find, and slowly climbed until he reached a large branch. "This cannot be safe…" he said, grasping the branch and crawling to the middle. He pulled out the leaves and twigs that were caught in his beard.
His eyes saw a silver clad figure sitting on the opposite branch, legs dangling down.
"There you are," Gimli called, slightly dizzy from the height. "This is the last time you will see me at such a leafy height. What… Legolas?"
Legolas was rocking back and forth, murmuring in a hoarse voice. His eyes were blank and unseeing, his face set in a mask. A tear slid down his cheek.
Gimli watched in horror as he leaned too far forward and began to lose his balance uncaringly. "No!" Gimli yelled, and jumped across without thinking, grabbing Legolas' shoulders.
The wind was knocked out of him as they hit the ground, and Gimli's ears were ringing. Legolas sat up and blinked like he had just awoken from sleep.
Footsteps approached quickly, and an elf appeared. "What has happened here?" he demanded, surveying the two.
"Master Celeborn," Gimli said. "I do not know what is wrong with Legolas. He just fell out of the tree in a trance."
Legolas stood up, looking miffed. "I am perfectly fine. I just lost my balance, that was all."
"Lost your balance?" Gimli growled, getting to his feet. "You were sitting on a branch and - "
"Thank you, Master Gimli." Celeborn interrupted, giving him a warning look with his eyes. "If you follow that path, you will find yourself with the rest of your friends. I will stay with Legolas for now."
Gimli thought the better of protesting. With a last worried glance at his friend, he tramped off.
Celeborn waited for the dwarf to leave before speaking. "Do not tell me you are fine, Prince of Mirkwood. You have said nothing but that, but you are anything but that." He said, taking Legolas by the arm. "I can see in your eyes that you are troubled greatly, and by more than Mithrandir's death. You will come with me to see Galadriel."
"You worry too much," Legolas said dismissively to hide his embarrassment.
"Do I?" Celeborn said, walking quickly with Legolas in stride. "Then why is it that Estel is also worried? Even a dwarf is disquieted by your behavior."
"My behavior is that of any other elf. Are you telling me that the dwarves and Estel are worried for every one of us?" Legolas said, and he laughed hollowly, a sad attempt at his former merriment.
Celeborn remained silent, but continued moving on.
I do not wish to see Galadriel…
And I know why…. you're afraid she'll hear your thoughts…
You are wrong. It is because I cannot control my thoughts.
And…
I am afraid.
"Aragorn!" said Gimli in a rush, coming back down the path. "Aragorn!"
"What is it?" He asked, and raised his eyebrows when he noticed that Legolas was missing. "Where is Legolas?"
"With Celeborn." Gimli replied, sitting down. "I fear for Legolas. He is distant, and acts very strangely now. He has told me it is the sea-longing."
"Sea-longing? Legolas has never been near a sea." Aragorn said. "But he said that to you? That he was afflicted with sea-longing?"
"Yes." Gimli replied gruffly. He hesitated for a moment before continuing. "When we were out, Legolas was climbing in trees while I followed on the ground. I could not hear his moving after a while, so I went up to see where he was. Legolas was sitting far out… and he was trembling… talking to himself… and he shed a tear. And then he fell out of the tree."
"Is he injured?"
"Nay, I caught him and he fell on me." Gimli said, pausing. "I do not understand this. He mourns for Gandalf, but to become like this…"
"I do not understand this either." Aragorn said, looking up at the sky. "I had spoken with Celeborn, because I noticed at dinner Legolas was disheartened… nay, not disheartened… but empty, almost. It is like he has retreated into himself. And for an elf like him to cry…" he trailed of, lines of worry appearing on his forehead.
"I wish to help him," Gimli said quietly. "But I do not think he wants to be helped."
To be continued, of course.
Reviews will be appreciated. (When are reviews not appreciated? Well, they wouldn't be if they were flames, but I guess criticism is sometimes necessary as well. I'd better stop. I'm rambling now. ^_^)