Color of Distress
Disclaimer: No, not mine. All belongs to Tolkien, ALL.
To all my readers…. I am so sorry. I don't think I should even be able to apologize, but here I am, doing it anyway. I feel terrible for not updating, leaving it hanging like that, and for maybe making you think I've abandoned the fic completely. I posted notices in my bio section and have asked Soulsearcher -Arbariel to let some readers know that I probably wouldn't be able to update regularly until the summer, but I couldn't reach everyone. Anyways, here's the next chapter.
Chapter 18 - "I would have you believe that."
It was with much lighter hearts that the companions discussed their current situation. Gandalf learned of several new things concerning the companions, for instance, that it was possible that Sam went with Frodo into Mordor.
Gandalf sighed heavily as Aragorn spoke of Boromir's death. "Yet," he remarked. "I think it was his death that saved him. He went through heavy trials, but is a lord of men and an excellent warrior. But come now," he continued kindly when he saw their gloomy faces, "I will speak of more pressing matters."
Gimli interrupted him. "How did you escape Moria?" he asked curiously, and his eyes were bright with lingering grief. "I am told that the abyss at Durin's bridge has never been measured."
"Alas, it is something I'd rather not revisit, but you all should rightly know this." Gandalf said quietly. "We fell endlessly, into the heart of the cold void, but I was burned by the Balrog's fire. Then we fell into water, and it was deep and cold, and I thought that I would surely freeze. It was also dark, darker than night, and there was no light to see by, for the Balrog's flame had extinguished. We fought in the depths of the earth, until it turned to flee. I pursued him upwards, and we at last reached the Endless Stair. And I climbed it, still pursuing the Balrog to the highest peak of the mountains."
"There are many legends about the Endless Stair; some same it was never made, other said it was destroyed." Gimli said to himself, and became silent when Aragorn sent him a look.
"The Balrog burst into flame again, but I had to gather my strength." Gandalf continued slowly. "And I threw him from the mountain-top. Here I remember only this. I lay there, my mind in darkness, for what seemed to be an eternity. It was like I left this earth and walked down unspoken roads, but I was sent back to the mountaintop. I lay there until the eagle lord Gwaihir found me, and he carried me to Lothlorien, as the Lady Galadriel bade him do. There I recovered and was clothed, and my robes shone white. I now bring to you messages from Galadriel."
Gimli cheered up immediately as Gandalf opened his mouth again to speak. "To Aragorn, she bade me to say:
Where now are the Dunedain, Elessar, Elessar?
Why do thy kinsfolk wander afar?
Near is the hour when the Lost should come forth,
And the Grey Company ride from the North.
But dark is the path appointed for thee:
The Dead watch the road that leads to the Sea.
To Legolas, she says:
Legolas Greenleaf, long under tree
In joy thou hast lived, beware of the sea!
If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore,
Thy heart then shall rest in the forest no more."
Gandalf fell silent for a moment with closed eyes, pondering the meaning of this.
Gimli frowned. "Is there no message for me?" he asked keenly, looking at his feet.
"The messages are dark." Legolas commented, and felt rather embarrassed. He was thinking that Galadriel was mentioning his false bout of sea longing in Lothlorien, or that it made some reference to the voice. He quickly dismissed that thought, and concluded that Galadriel was really warning him of sea longing. "I like them not."
"I would rather receive an unhappy message from the Lady than no message at all." Gimli said glumly.
Legolas opened his mouth to say otherwise, but remembered how Gimli revered Galadriel, and thought it far better to say naught. Besides, Gandalf was still talking.
"I'm sorry, Gimli, but I was merely thinking about the meaning of the other messages, and I forgot about yours. Here it is:
To Gimli son of Gloin, give his lady's greetings.
Lock-bearer, wherever thou goest my thought goes with thee.
But have a care to lay thine axe to the tight tree!"
Gimli's face brightened with the message and he jumped out, singing in his dwarf tongue happily, oblivious to their startled looks. "Ah, Gandalf, I am happy that you are here with us again." He declared, but sobered up. "And now that you are here," Gimli ventured carefully, looking to Aragorn, "there is more we should say to you."
Aragorn nodded in agreement solemnly, and chanced a glance at Legolas, who stiffened visibly. He felt uncomfortable discussing it like this; Aragorn knew it would shame Legolas, but it had to come out and he thought that now would be the best time.
"Perhaps Legolas should speak." Aragorn proposed, thinking maybe Legolas could save more dignity that way.
Gandalf turned expectantly towards the frightened elf.
A thin sheen of cold sweat was on Legolas' face, and he was afraid.
This is utterly ridiculous. I should not be frightened at the prospect of talking about this with Gandalf. This is not disgraceful, merely necessary. My heart tells me it will be fine, but my head thinks that I will be shamed. Oh, Mithrandir, since you have returned, everything is well again, but not quite wholly. This is a shadow that looms over me.
Legolas looked into Gandalf kindly face, recalling how trusting and good their friendship was, and willed himself to calm down. He opened his mouth, trying to speak, but his dignity prevented him from saying anything. He shook his head helplessly and looked at his hands.
"I
cannot do this." He stated, in a voice that was quite detached, and it pleased
him to know he sounded so serene. "But I trust Aragorn and Gimli to tell it as
it happened."
Gandalf had watched Legolas closely while he struggled to speak, and found himself concerned. He had known the Legolas for what was like a lifetime and had never seen him this hesitant and unsure of himself.
He studied Legolas closer, and realized that although his face still youthful, his eyes were drawn. His face still glowed with an ethereal elven light, but Legolas held the thin look of the suffering, and he was paler than normal for an elf. But Legolas also held the look of the recovering, and he had sung but a while ago and still had the heart to be merry.
Gimli bit his lip, thinking hard. "I suppose it began at Khazad Dum." He said, lowering his eyes. "When we all thought you had fallen to the Balrog. See, we all grieved deeply for you, all of us, but I believe that none felt your loss as greatly as Legolas."
Aragorn was surprised at the dwarf's simple eloquence, and continued for him. "As you know, we journeyed to Lothlorien. We all felt your absence so much that we did not truly see how disconsolate Legolas was, and I blame only myself for that. You asked me to carry on and lead the Fellowship on, but I did not see where I was failing."
Legolas held his breath in tightly; he didn't want to listen even further. But he was torn. Aragorn and Gimli were saving his honor, while he had always believed it to be his own fault and shameful. They were being kind and gentle, and he felt that he might have to listen to what they had seen and felt out of respect.
Gimli smiled suddenly with great affection. "I think it was in Lothlorien that Legolas and I finally bridged the abyss between elves and dwarves and became friends. After we met the lady, he took me to see the woods even though he was sorely troubled, and his kindheartedness softened by stubborn heart."
"Troubled?" Gandalf repeated quietly.
"Yes." Legolas startled the others and himself by taking the initiative and speaking. "I thought that your death was my own burden. I thought that I should have run forward to help you up from the ledge, to catch your hand when you began to fall. And after you fell, I thought that I could climb down to find you." His face was darkened with the shadow of the leaves. "At Lothlorien, I was mourned so deeply that I began to think that I had killed you."
"Surely not!" Gandalf cried. "If you had killed be by not running forwards, then I have been slain by every member of the Company."
"But that is what I thought." He repeated. "I was the elf, the nimble and sure-footed one, the most able to save you." Legolas searched his memories for all his feelings at the time, to pour them into his tale. "And because I was so lost in grief, I no longer guarded my mind as we are taught to do. So I let in some shadow, a mere voice, enter my head and whisper cruel things to me."
Gandalf remained expressionless, and only motioned for Legolas to go on.
"And it told me that I was unworthy to be an elf, a prince, and a part of the fellowship. It said I was weak and helpless, that I could not hope to protect others if I could not protect myself. And it encouraged the thought that I had killed you." Legolas said, his heart aching as he remembered how he believed what he heard. "I began to doubt my friends, Galadriel, and Haldir. Even if you returned then, I might have not trusted you."
Gimli was very pained to listen to this side of Legolas' suffering; it was the part he had never heard, for it was all in Legolas' mind. He wondered if he could have kept his wits as well as Legolas if it ever happened to him.
"It spoke to me only in the beginning. Yet it grew stronger as I lost my will to fight anything, and one night it took control of my actions." Legolas trembled slightly, even though the air in the forest was warm and thick. "I tried to fight it, but I had not the heart. I became senseless drunk, and I ran deep into the woods of Lothlorien, mad."
Gandalf was disturbed. The look on Legolas' face was difficult to behold, it showed both profound sorrow and humiliation, and it seemed that he did not want to speak further. "Ab hain?" He prodded gently. (And after?)
Legolas did not continue in elvish for Gimli's benefit. "I marred the woods by painting the trees in my own blood." He whispered, shut his eyes to hold back threatening tears. Legolas swallowed hard and looked down, distressed. Legolas could not look into Gandalf's wise eyes anymore, for they were stunned.
His words hung in the hair, and even the trees seemed to rumble at the news.
"No." Aragorn said suddenly and firmly. "You did not do anything. You were being held by some evil. It was not you."
Legolas was still unable to look up and face his friends. "Mithrandir, im-"
"Don't try to apologize, Legolas, for it was not your doing." Gandalf said, and relief flooded into Legolas' being. "Please continue."
"There is not much more to say. It is all the same. Galadriel had asked Gimli and Aragorn to administer me a potion that would put me to sleep, more or less, but it still reached me. But my father," Here Legolas smiled fondly, "also spoke to me under the potion. And he gave me strength and courage. But the potion did not work, and so all that could be done was to have Aragorn and Gimli watch me carefully. I once mistook Aragorn for an enemy and we did battle, although good Gimli stopped us."
"Yes, I remember." Aragorn added wanly. "He nearly took my head."
"And would have taken mine too." Gimli said proudly, forgetting his terror that night.
"Then I began to recover from it, until it took me again at Boromir's death. And after it went away, it came back again as we running through Rohan. And again, just before you were revealed to us again." Legolas said, but his eyes were so alight with joy and hope that it seemed to burn with the radiance of the stars. "But Gandalf, it came because I believed that I murdered you. It is a liar, for you are back, whole and well, and it cannot be believed. All is good again, and I am recovered."
"What then, exactly, is 'it'?" Gandalf asked carefully.
Legolas appeared uncertain. "The voice that spoke to me."
"But it never showed itself to you?"
"No." Legolas knew this for sure. "When my father asked me to be strong and to fight it, I demanded that it show itself to me, so I could see my foe. But it would not."
The wizard sighed heavily, and rubbed his staff with a thumb.
Gimli leaned forward. "Gandalf, do you know what it is?"
Aragorn sensed that Gandalf was either unsure or worried, but did not speak of this. Legolas' hope was luminous, and to tell him otherwise was to be as cruel as the voice. He would not be the one cause the elf's face to be shadowed with the knowledge that he was not yet completely healed.
"I do not know for certain." Gandalf said gently. "And I do not know for sure that my return has healed you." He placed an arm on Legolas' shoulder. "But you go with the blessing of Galadriel, Thranduil, Elrond, and probably by the Lady of the Stars herself. You have gone through immense pains for my memory, Legolas, and I shall never forget how you suffered for our friendship."
Legolas was silent and still. "I had sung to Elbereth for protection, and she surely heard me if you have returned." He heard himself say. Gandalf's words had sent a cold shudder through him, for it Gandalf did not know, then it was likely that no one else knew either.
"I would have you believe that." Gandalf said quietly.
To be continued… eventually….
Okay… I'm sorry again… I have less than 5 minutes to finish this section. So here is my big condensed version to all the readers and to those who reviewed, (and you guys know who you are): THANK YOU!! And thanks so much for being patient about this, but once this school year is over, I'll be back to writing normally. So, I PROMISE, I swear on my ripped apart in a temper tantrum then redone molecule that's due way too soon, that I'll be back to normal updating by mid-June. Until then, it'll be occasional, whenever I have the opportunity to sit for a few minutes at the comp where I'm not typing up essays, labs, or exam notes.
And on a side note, I sometimes have notices up in my bio section so you can check there to see how things are going, if something has come up, if a new chapter will be up soon, etc., so it might be a good idea to check there if I disappear in my work for a while.
Once this rush is over, I'll write a ten-page chapter to make up for all my misdeeds….I apologize yet again… life is crazy. (And I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.)
-Princess_yumin