Part 9
In the meantime Aeryn had followed Crichton. The quicker strides easily overtook Crichton's. Aeryn grabbed him by the arm and turned him around, surprised as she did so how easily she overpowered him. Even in her own body, her strength more than matched his. In this powerfully built male Sebacean body, the body of a trained warrior, and upset as she was by all that was happening, she might as well have been manhandling a child.
Taken a bit aback by this, Aeryn let go of him. "John, John Crichton, wait..."
Crichton turned to Crais, no, Aeryn. He had been surprised as well by her strength or rather that of Bialar's and in that instance realised that Crais had never used his full strength on him. The ritual he had seen them perform had proven that to him and this simple gesture confirmed it, "What is it? Shouldn't you be with Crais? He can understand you better than I can. He can teach you better than I can. He is more your match than I am. He..."
"Crichton, shut up!" Aeryn's scowl appeared on Crais' face. "Yes, you are right. In many respects he is better than you are, stronger, faster but it is you I have chosen. Can't you get that in that thick skull of yours?"
She moved closer, for a moment forgetting that she was in Crais' body. She brought her hand tenderly up to his face, her eyes softened and Crichton recoiled in horror. She... he... wasn't going to kiss him was he? He didn't much care to feel Crais' beard on his lips, "Aeryn, you are not yourself." He inched away from her... him.
Aeryn stopped her movements, realising what Crichton was seeing, "I am sorry John. I... I forgot what this... I must look like to you. It seems that the longer I inhabit this body, the more comfortable I am in it.
But I am still Aeryn... the part of me that is "me" is here, facing you... John, we have to talk... we have to discuss this. There is still almost a day to go. We can't avoid the issue."
"As long as He doesn't get too comfortable in your body," growled Crichton.
At that moment Crais came around the corner, looking refreshed after the shower he had. It was obvious that he carried Aeryn's body with the same confidence as if it was his own. There was a spring to Aeryn's step. The shoulders were even more thrown back. The strides were a little longer than they should be, "Aeryn" had a smile on her face.
"Crichton," Crais greeted with a deep rumble of pleasure and walked past the couple towards their room to get clean clothes.
Crichton scowled at "her" retreating form.
Aeryn tried to get his attention back but the damage had been done.
"See, Aeryn, it never fails... he never fails to slip that knife in and give it a twist..."
"John, what are you talking about? Be reasonable! Crais has done nothing to you. If anyone is to blame here, it would be me. I was the one who found that priest, who confided in him and trusted in him. I am responsible for this turn of events."
Crichton found himself staring into the face, looking at the form, of Bialar Crais. Concentrating all of his attention on those eyes, which held another soul, he said, "I'm sorry, Aeryn, I just can't handle this now." He turned away once more and proceeded to walk, and then nearly run, down the corridor.
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Aeryn looked forlornly at the floor. This was going to be difficult,and not only for Crichton. That stubborn drannit of a Human!
Crais had just walked into Aeryn's and John's room when he heard the pounding feet of Crichton in the corridor. He sighed. He had a fair idea what had happened. He stepped out into the corridor, nearly walking straight into the Jhumon.
Crichton tried to sidestep Aeryn... Crais but Crais had something else in mind. He took hold of Crichton's arm, pulled him across and nearly slammed him into the wall.
Aeryn's angry face was only inches away from Crichton's. Crais said with a deep growl, "Why don't you want to listen to reason, Crichton? This situation will last for just a little while. Both Aeryn and myself are respecting each other's bodies and will take no advantage of it. We even respect... other's feelings, even though that is not as easy as it seems, judging by your behaviour. Your actions are not making it easier for us to ignore the bodies we are in. It is you who keeps reminding us. It is you who keeps us being aware. Your misplaced fears, your doubts, your own insecurity and jealousy.
If you have no faith in me, (here an enigmatic, rather grim smile appeared on Aeryn's visage), why do you have so little faith in Aeryn?
You claim that she is what you call "the one", that there is no other ever for you. If you care for her even half as much as you claim to, how can you have so little faith in her?"
Crichton drew back from Aeryn... Crais but was stopped by Moya's bulkhead, "Crais, I do love her but..."
Crais stepped closer, Aeryn's face was close enough that Crichton could feel her warm breath on his face yet Crais' voice broke through, "There are no 'but's', Crichton, you either love her and trust her unconditionally or you don't. She loves you unconditionally, she would die for you. I bet she doesn't even say anything when she sees your eyes straying to some of the female crewmembers."
Crichton paled.
"Aeryn"grinned, "Maybe she doesn't see it but I do. Underneath this flesh, underneath the uniform I am still a male and I can recognise the appreciation of a male for a female like any other male. I can also see how she loves you. Don't you dare to do less for her."
Aeryn stepped back and gave Crichton some breathing space, "You can handle this like a man who loves his woman or like a spoilt, jealous boy. Your choice. Talk to her."
Aeryn turned on her heel and returned to the chamber only long enough to pick up a change of clothing. "She" then proceeded down the corridor, garments in hand.
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Crichton's head was spinning from the images running through his head of times that he knew he must have been obvious in his appreciation of female forms of various species. He had never known Aeryn to "miss" anything. Her keen powers of observation had been one of the gifts that had kept them all alive this long.
At that moment, the form of Bialar Crais entered the chamber.
"Aeryn"...
"Crais" turned to him. "Yes, John?"
"I... uhm... I am sorry to have behaved like such a fool. I know this can't be easy for you... or Crais. I'll try and not be... jealous."
Crais cocked his head, "John, did you come to this conclusion yourself or did Crais have a... word with you?" There was a small smile on his face.
Crichton looked ashamed, "It was Crais who talked me in seeing sense, I must admit. I... I know you two have tried not to... you know... ("Crais" looked amused) think that much about your... new bodies."
Crais looked at him teasingly and run his hands over his tight abdomen, "Oh, I don't know, this is quite a comfortable body, maybe I should keep it a bit longer." She noticed the pained expression on Crichton's face and she continued, "It would also mean that Bialar would inhabit my body for a longer period though. I have already imposed upon him, and do not know that he would appreciate the continued separation from that which is rightfully his."
"Crais'" eyes met his; the look was frank and full of challenge, but the corner of his mouth quirked a bit in the beginning of a smile and he stepped closer to Crichton, "Unless of course you might try and find that a deeper understanding between us is another option? I could always ask Crais if he would mind." The smile around the mouth curved mischievously.
Crichton made mewling sounds, "No... I think I've had enough insight as it is."
"Good. I will refresh myself and change into some fresh clothes first before we all have breakfast." They walked to Crais' quarters.
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Part 10
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Crais was putting the finishing touches on Aeryn's attire and was wondering how to close the leather vest and keep everything in at the same time. It hadn't felt comfortable if he started on the top fastener, too restricted. It pushed everything up when he started lower and then the top wouldn't close. He was contemplating getting a sleeveless shirt out of his own cupboard when Aeryn and Crichton walked in. He whirled around, still in a state of partial undress.
Aeryn saw the confused look on her own face and guessed what the problem was. She smiled and walked over to Crais, "Here, let me help you with that."
"Crais'" face slowly blossomed into a huge grin although she was trying desperately hard not to show her mirth. She gave up, and began to laugh.
"There's a trick to everything, and it seems that this day will be quite the learning experience for both of us. Let me show you how that's done... You see, you start fastening", as she reached over to help him, "and then you push them up a bit..."
Crichton had to make an effort not to run from the sight in front of him. It would stay with him for the rest of his life. Crais trying to get Aeryn dressed! Aeryn moving in funny positions to get everything suited up and Crais laughing, while he busied himself with Aeryn's fasteners.
Crais tried to follow Aeryn's instructions, "Does getting dressed always feel this pleasant?"
"Crais" blushed, "Well, not always. I never really think about it."
Aeryn's head nodded, "I understand." He scratched her chin expecting to find the stubble there and dropped the hand when he encountered smooth skin.
Aeryn had seen the movement, "You might give me a hand as well." She brought Crais' hand up and felt the stubble, "I don't think you want to put me on a learning curve to shave you, would you?"
There was shock in "Aeryn's" eyes, "I will shave you."
Crais sat in front of Aeryn while "she" took out a sharp razor like blade. "Sit still," Crais' deep voice said to Aeryn.
After lathering the cheeks and the neck, "Aeryn" set about shaving "Crais" deftly and neatly, "Push your tongue between the inside of your under lip and your bottom teeth... that's right... and make it push out." With two swift flicks of the wrist the two blank spaces in the goatee were done.
Aeryn felt Crais' cheeks, they felt cool and smooth. She grinned, "That was quite pleasant."
"Aeryn" smiled back, "At least we had two good experiences today to start off the day."
The both turned to Crichton who had very uncharacteristically said not a word since he and "Crais" had entered the chamber.
He had found reason to be jealous, all right, but not because of anything improper he had witnessed over the last 10 arns. He had found that he was jealous of the camaraderie between these two ex-Peacekeepers, the backgrounds shared, the things they had both experienced in their military careers, the things they shared as fellow Sebaceans.
It didn't matter if they had slept together as innocently as two puppies, or a knight and his maiden separated by the width of a sword in an erp-ly medieval tale. It didn't matter. They shared things that he never could, and it was unworthy of him, but it was the most understandable thing in the world.
They both turned to Crichton. He was gone...
Aeryn turned to Crais, "Wasn't Crichton just here?"
"Yes, he was," replied "Aeryn", "What was it you said to him?"
"Aeryn" looked briefly away, "Just man to man talk. He understood."
"Maybe not as well as I had hoped," Aeryn said softly, longing for John's touch.
Aeryn placed a hand on "Crais'" shoulder, "I know, Aeryn. These last arns have not been easy on any of us, especially not on Crichton. You two will have to talk once this is over and I know it will not be an easy talk."
"You are right, Crais," she was grateful that he understood, "Shall we join the others in the galley and have something to eat?"
"Aeryn's" head nodded and they moved to the galley...
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Meanwhile, Crichton had rushed into the chamber he normally shared with Aeryn, and thrown himself down onto the bed.
Thinking about everything he had witnessed, everything he had felt over the last 10 arns, he began to feel more and more foolish and unworthy. Frell, he hadn't acted this childishly since his teenage years, had he?
What had Crais said to him, that he could either react to all this like a man or like a puling child? Well, he hadn't said "puling", but he might as well have. Reviewing how he had been acting, he was coming to as harsh an assessment as Crais, if not more so.
It was because of Crichton that Officer Aeryn Sun had lost her life with the Peacekeepers. She had left everything she knew. Was it so unreasonable for her to welcome the one last connection still available to her to that lost existence?
Did he begrudge the woman he loved, the "one", the small comforts she could wrest from her friendship with her former Captain?
Crichton admitted to himself that he didn't really think Crais would hurt her, and he didn't really think that Aeryn would walk away from him or betray him with Crais.
Why when it came to Bialar Crais did he suddenly find it so hard to act in a manner which was deserving of Aeryn's good regard?
Well, it was time for him to straighten up and fly right.
Crichton got up and prepared to show his face in the galley. Aeryn and Crais were probably there by now. The rest of the crew might be, too. It was time for breakfast, and maybe for some bitter medicine.
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When he walked into the galley they were already seated at the table, D'Argo turned around and smiled, "There you are! You're lucky, 10 microns later and Rygel would have finished it all." He turned back to the others.
Crichton sat opposite Crais and Aeryn. They seemed to be sharing a joke between them, speaking in low voices. Aeryn's face was displaying the cool calm exterior that Crais always showed and which drove Crichton to irritation, while Crais' face displayed a radiant smile and was very animated under Aeryn's influence.
Crichton tried to ignore it. Chiana spoiled it, "Has "Crais" already tried to return the kiss you gave him, John?" Crichton blushed.
Crais' face turned to Crais, then to Crichton, and Aeryn's voice asked, "What kiss is she talking about John?" A small smile appeared on Aeryn's face.
"It was cycles ago," stammered Crichton.
Aeryn wouldn't let go, she too put a small smile on Crais' face, "Still a kiss is a kiss. Care to tell me about it? Or shall I follow Chiana's advice and kiss you now?"
Crichton was beginning to feel as though he'd just fallen down a rabbit hole. There was a kiss, and then there was ...a kiss.
He had a pretty good idea that the kind of kiss Crais... er... Aeryn had in mind was a "kiss". NOT like the kiss he'd landed on Crais years ago, back in the bad old days when Captain Bialar Crais had newly resigned his Peacekeeper commission.
A picture of this kiss flashed before his mind's eye, horrifying him. The face of his once mortal enemy and still archrival in many ways -the beard, that always neat, satanic looking goatee-those deep, dark eyes, always filled with intelligence, sometimes with sardonic humour, other times with menace. That raven hair, always either too severely pulled back or wildly loose, as it's owner's temper tended to be. The touch of those lips, the feel of those strong arms surrounding him.
John Crichton had suffered nightmares more than once about this man even after the Sebacean had ostensibly stopped chasing him across this arm of the galaxy. He wasn't the only one who had been terrorized by him. The image of an ogre-Crais came brilliantly to life for a moment.
That the eyes were those of Aeryn -at least in spirit- did not salvage the situation. Somehow, they made it worse. A play kiss, a sarcastic gesture, was one thing. But there was no right way to react to this threatened... thing.
Crichton turned in horror to "Aeryn". The array of expressions on her... his face was very interesting. Humour... a quick hint of satisfaction and victory... a slight embarrassment... a pained look... a look of... sympathy and empathy?
"But Aeryn, it wasn't like that. Hey, Crais, tell her..." The two men held each other's gaze for a moment.
Crais contemplated his next move. It would be so easy to "shoot" down the Human, just as easy as taking away a child's toy. Crais looked at Crichton, he could see the plea in his eyes to help him out, to confirm that it had been nothing.
For a moment Crais was tempted to say that he didn't know what Erp's customs were on the concept of recreation. When Crichton "kissed" him, Crais had felt humiliated, disgusted to be touched by an inferior species, especially in that manner. He had not been able to defend himself at the time, as the Human was defenceless now. It would have been so easy.
But Crais also knew he had changed, even if the others were not willing to see it, especially Crichton. Would he prove them right and denounce Crichton's innocence? Make him the centre of humiliation and glee? Would his act of kindness be thrown back into his face at a later date if he decided to help the Human out?
"Aeryn" looked up into the pleading eyes of Crichton, eyes which told him "please, don't do this to me, man". He turned to Aeryn, "Crichton and I have no more responsibility to explain every moment of our lives, every action we see fit to take, than do you and I, Aeryn.
Nonetheless, no, it was not that kind of kiss. Chiana can confirm that if she wishes to, although she seems intent on causing trouble at the moment, not preventing it.
I myself would rather not cause more provocation. This situation has provided us all with challenges, and the day is hardly over."
After a brief pause, he said, "Let it be, Aeryn. We will all need to defer to our best judgment and impulses today."
His eyes met Crichton's again, and they held each other's gaze for a microt or so. In those blue eyes, he saw a fervent "thank you" expressed.
Maybe, that sense of gratitude would turn out to be fleeting. Well, they would see soon enough.
Crichton had been surprised by Crais' reaction. He had expected him to smirk, to gloat, to milk it for all it was worth. He had not expected him to let it go and to deflect it from escalating.
There was a hint of regret on Chiana's face. It could have been so much fun. She had seen Crichton squirm but when she looked at the calm face of Aeryn, she could only smile, "Crais is right, it wasn't that sort of a kiss. Don't think there was any love between them."
"I certainly hope not," muttered Crais under his breath.
Crais' face lit up in a smile, "Since that is cleared up, what are we going to do with our day?"
"I still have some maintenance to take care of and..." Crais started.
"Are you obsessed with work Crais," Crichton spoke up, "You have been body switching or mind switching or whatever they call it. And all you can do is think about work?"
"What do you want me to do, Crichton? Explore how Aeryn's body works?" There was a smile on Aeryn's face.
Crichton blushed. He felt like a colt who had been let out of his stall, ready to race his stable mates around a very large field on the most beautiful sunny spring day, only to find his rider in the saddle, pulling on the reins.
He could tell that both Aeryn and Crais were amused by the situation he had put himself in. For that matter, everyone in the galley, meaning everyone on Moya, seemed to find this hilariously funny. Except for himself.
On the other hand, he was still aware that he had just been saved from a very awkward scene by Crais. Why could Crais never do what Crichton considered "the right thing" without immediately spending all the good credit that he had earned by turning around and doing something else that Crichton found obnoxious, if not downright wrong?
Still, he had no good answer for Crais. If he didn't expect the Sebacean to busy himself with routine chores, what did he propose that Crais do?
Aeryn's voice interrupted the suddenly awkward silence.
"Crais, I think there is something that we should both attend to before we consider anything else. You have been incommunicado with Talyn for nearly half a solar day now. We know that you often remove your transponder before the rest cycle, but is it not time for you to contact him? How are we going to explain this to him?"
Crais looked at himself and said, "Thank you for reminding me, Aeryn. I would like to contact him but since you are wearing my transponder, it might be best if I talked to him over the ship's comms first before we confuse Talyn. It will be difficult at best."
Aeryn agreed and they went to Pilot's Den to accomplish this task.
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Part 11
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Crais found it better to leave the visuals off and to explain it to Talyn by voice only, "Talyn, we have encountered a slight problem."
Talyn was obviously confused and his chirping made that very clear.
Crais had been so used to Talyn's moods and questions that the others were not surprised that he answered Talyn as if the youngster had just asked him a question, "Talyn, the reason I am not conversing to you through the transponder is because at the moment I am unable to. (Talyn chirped worriedly) No, there is nothing to be worried about, I am not ill and the transponder is working. It is just..." Crais looked for the right words.
He resumed, "When Aeryn went down to the planet, we... exchanged places (again Talyn chirped). No, not in that sense. Somehow our minds and voices exchanged bodies. Aeryn is in my body... temporarily (he looked at Aeryn and hoped he was right) and since she is in my body, she wears the transponder. I did not want to alarm you by letting her speak to you first. I didn't want to confuse you. You do understand?" Talyn chirped once.
"She will speak to you now," Aeryn's face smiled. He looked at Aeryn and motioned where he kept his transponder in one of his inside pockets.
Luckily she had put his tunic on at the last micron or they would have had to go back to his quarters on Moya. He had found it difficult to see himself wearing the tunic open but that was how Aeryn had liked to wear it.
Aeryn reached for the transponder and pulled it out. As she held it in her hand (she had rarely had the opportunity to examine it closely), Crais laid "his" hand on "her" forearm. He pressed down gently, signalling her to sit down before she attempted to insert the device.
"Aeryn, you once briefly used a more modest version of this instrument. You must be careful, especially at first. This transponder is much more powerful. While my physical body is used to it, your senses must not be overloaded by the data input.
You must progress slowly, and in steps. I will be at your side. Are you ready?"
Aeryn smiled and nodded just a bit uncertainly to him.
Crais covered the larger male hand with his smaller female one, and guided the hand holding the transponder around to the base of his neck where it joined with his spine.
Aeryn inserted the transponder into its cradle. She gasped. Crais was right, this new transponder was much more powerful than the one she had used briefly.
Her mind rushed through the corridors and pathways of Talyn, could feel his happiness of seeing her again ~Hello Aeryn. It is good to see you back~ His thoughts rushed past her.
She came to an abrupt stop and felt nauseous when she felt as if her stomach was pressed against her spine, "It's good to be back, Talyn." She tried to regain her balance of mind.
~Don't rush it~ said Talyn ~Crais is used to it, you are not~ She could feel how Talyn guided her mind calmly, could sense how Crais steadied her with her own hands. She was surprised that both males could be so gentle.
She finally settled down. She could hear both their voices almost in unison, "That's it. Easy. Don't make any sudden thoughts or moves."
She looked around, she was in Command. The senses and the sights were so much sharper than the first time she had the transponder. While looking around she could also sense, feel and see space. Felt Talyn's lifeblood flowing through him. The sensations were overwhelming and she reeled forward. Could feel how her own body embraced Crais'. Felt comforted by it.
Outside the link, Crais steadied Aeryn when he saw his own body sag forward. He knew what she was experiencing. He held her close, his presence a reassurance. He knew she could feel that too. And his eyes closed briefly. He had been with Talyn for so long that being cut off from the youngster only strengthened the longing to be linked.
Crichton resisted the urge to step forward to pull Aeryn... Crais away from Crais' body, knowing that Crais only wanted to help Aeryn. But to see the bodies almost in a lover's embrace with their eyes closed, it was difficult not to.
Aeryn opened her eyes again in the link, "Crais has already explained some of what has happened. It is my fault you are not with Crais at the moment."
Talyn said he understood. Aeryn resisted the urge to stand up and pace, "I had only wanted to be as strong as he is. I had no idea that our consciousness... our souls... would actually switch into each other's physical bodies. It never occurred to me that you would also be affected by my actions. I am sorry, Talyn..."
Aeryn's mind felt a rush of reassurance from the young Leviathan.
~It's all right, Aeryn, He is strong, isn't he? But he isn't perfect. He's done some bad things... but not to me, not since he joined with me. He's taken care of me. He tries to teach me.
I... I haven't always done the right thing. Those were the times that I was too afraid or upset to listen to him.
I can understand that you would want to find strength in him, learn it from him. I want to also, but sometimes it's so hard.
Moya tries to help me, but she doesn't understand. Crais understands~
Aeryn experienced an overwhelming feeling of affection and trust flooding her from the little ship.
Being used to vocalising whenever she communicated, she continued to speak out loud even though she could have conversed with Talyn in absolute silence.
"Talyn, we all make mistakes. You, Crais, me, all of us. Sometimes we can make amends, but all too often that is not an option. Sometimes the best we can do is move on, and vow not to make the same mistake again.
We don't blame you for anything you've done in the past. We've all made enough mistakes of our own. Sometimes you just have to learn to live with them. What you and Crais did in the Command Carrier was brave, and selfless and as close as anyone can come to atonement for any misdeeds you've committed ."
Aeryn sat there quietly for a moment, basking in the physical and mental comfort and reassurance she was receiving from both Crais and Talyn. She felt totally enfolded in a feeling of acceptance and affection...of love.
Aeryn heard a question in her mind.
~Why do you think you need more strength, Aeryn? You always seemed to be so strong, too. You helped me understand what the feelings I had were. You explained to me what love was. Remember when the other John Crichton was with you, when I was hurt and we were hiding and then the Budong tried to eat us?
That was one of the bad things I did. But you stopped me in time. You showed me what feelings for someone else were, and that they were right. You let me see inside of you. You're wonderful, Aeryn. Is it still the same now? You didn't want to be with Crais and me. But not because you didn't care about Crais and me. You showed me how much it meant to you to be with the Jhumon... the human, right?~
"That's right, Talyn. I do care about you and Crais, just not the same way I care about Crichton. This Crichton. They are two different men, but they are still also both John Crichton..."
Crichton stood looking at Crais and Aeryn in stony silence. Aeryn's body was precariously balanced on the armrest and she had her strong arms wrapped protectively around the seated body of Crais. Her eyes were closed too. Yet there was nothing in the gesture that spoke of anything else than protection.
From the one sided conversation the others were hearing it was obvious that Talyn did most of the talking. Crichton felt uncomfortable with the way she discussed him and the other John to Talyn. She cared for him. Did that also mean that she loved him? She did not say so explicitly.
Crais held his own body from swaying and falling forward. He could feel it in the way the muscles in his body went limp at times. The new transponder was putting a great deal of strain on Aeryn and he wondered if he should discontinue the conversation. But if anything was obvious, it was that the conversation meant an awful lot to both of them.
Aeryn continued, "Yes, Talyn, there are different kinds of "love". I love both you and Crais. But I love you both as friends, as comrades.
I love Crichton. He is a friend and a comrade too. But he is "more" than that. He told me once that I was "the one". Do you remember when we were hiding out with you? The other John Crichton said I was his "Guiding Star".
Well, that is what John Crichton is to me. Both John Crichtons. They are fundamentally the same man. It took me a long time to face the fact that I had lost John Crichton once. It took me even longer to realize that I hadn't. Once, I could not believe that fate had been so cruel to me. Now I realize that fate has never been kinder."
Crichton was moved by her words. If he had ever had any doubt about her feelings for him, they now vanished as snow in the sun. He wondered how Crais was taking her words. Crichton had always believed that the Captain had certain feelings for her that went beyond camaraderie but there was nothing in "Aeryn's" expression that told him what the other man was thinking.
~I understand, Aeryn. The love you share with Crichton is different than the love you feel for Crais and me. I do see that now. As is the love Crais and I feel for each other and our love for you~
"You love me too?" Aeryn wanted to know how Crais and Talyn saw her.
~Why yes, Aeryn. Of course we do, did you doubt us? We love you like a Sister. Not of our blood but closer than a friend. We would never want to see you harmed or hurt~
Aeryn smiled, "Thank you, Talyn. That means a lot to me."
Talyn was happy ~Can you see us as Brothers?~
"You and Crais will always be that," Aeryn said softly.
The pleasure that rippled through Talyn was strongly felt by Aeryn and Crais' body swayed more strongly ~Sorry, Aeryn. I wasn't thinking. You are strong but in a different way than Crais is. I hope you two will be able to learn from each other's strength. You have to rest now. Tell Crais I will be happy to see him back and I do understand~
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"Crais" opened his eyes and Aeryn's blue eyes looked in Crais' brown eyes. There was a smile on Crais' face, "Thank you, Crais. Talyn understands, my Brother. He will be glad to see you back." She took the transponder out and handed it back to Crais.
Crais' dark eyes had softened too, "You will always be my Sister."
Crichton was getting confused, "What's this? A family gathering? I didn't know you two were related."
Aeryn and Crais both looked at him, Crais stood up and Aeryn was able to stand up now as well, they both looked at each other and smiled.
Crais' body walked up to Crichton, there was a distinct sway to the movements. "Crais'" hand rested on Crichton's cheek tenderly and she had to resist the urge to kiss him, "You are right John, you will not understand."
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Part 12
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Crichton heard Aeryn's words. Not "You do not understand", and not "You cannot understand". "You will not understand."
That one word reverberated through him. Was the problem that he would not understand? That he had the ability to understand, but was purposely choosing not to?
That did not fit in with his self-image. He thought of himself, as most individuals naturally do, as being "in the right". The things he did were understandable and reasonable and justifiable.
He looked again at the person standing in front of him, the woman he swore he loved more than anything, the woman he had called "the one". She was in the body of his once sworn enemy, but the being in there, the soul, was that of Aeryn Sun. Was the way he was acting fair to her or anyone else?
Beyond her, mere feet away, was the body of Aeryn Sun, inhabited by the spirit of Bialar Crais. He was sure that the other male had more than just "brotherly" feelings towards her. But was he justified in blaming the other Sebacean for that? Didn't he wonder sometimes how anyone could not feel for Aeryn as he did? Didn't he think, "Poor fools! How could they not realize how wonderful she was? Didn't they know what they were missing?"
Shouldn't he judge Crais by how he acted toward Aeryn and the others, rather than be filled with jealousy that Crais also recognized her worth?
Shouldn't he trust Aeryn Sun, who had time and again shown that it was John Crichton she had chosen, and would continue to choose?
Crichton did not back away from "Crais", but he did not return her caress, either. He suddenly felt very tired.
Aeryn lingered for a moment longer, a small smile on her face, and then walked away. The others, who had been hoping for revelations, which had not been forthcoming, had drifted off too.
When Crichton looked up he was aware that he was left alone with Aeryn... Crais and that the other was looking at him calmly. It had always annoyed him how Crais could look so calm, well, most times anyway, and to see it reflected on Aeryn's features was slightly disconcerting. Aeryn was now staring at him as prey.
Crichton fidgeted. He wanted to run away from Crais, out of the room, try and sort his thoughts out but he also didn't want to back down. The silence grew thick.
It was Crais' voice that broke it, "Please, sit down, Crichton."
"Why should I?" He could run now.
Crais smiled, his voice grew softer, "There is something I want to explain to you. It might benefit your... relationship with Aeryn."
This piqued Crichton's curiosity and he sat down, almost three chairs away from Crais. Crais didn't shrug his shoulders but Crichton recognised it in Crais' eyes.
"Crichton," Crais said calmly, "I have the distinct impression... No, I know that you think that I have certain... feelings for Aeryn. I will admit that maybe that was so, a long time ago. These feelings have changed. She is like a Sister to me... and Talyn."
Crichton raised his eyebrow. Part of him wanted to believe what Crais was about to tell him, part of him didn't want to. The part of him that didn't want to was afraid that he might understand Crais, that he would have to rethink what he normally thought of him, "Yeah, they have words for that on Jerry Springer."
"Who's he," Crais asked in genuine confusion. When Crichton did not impart the information, he continued, "In Sebacean culture we know two forms of relations. In the physical form, brothers and sisters are born from at least one shared parent. In the metaphysical form, they don't have to be blood related. Brothers and Sisters can accept each other as if they were born from the same parents, and sometimes those ties are stronger."
Crais could see that this was confusing Crichton further, "Crichton, Aeryn is like that Sister to Talyn and I. Not of our blood but closer than a blood tie could be. She has our protection and our... love, for want of a better word. She is as precious to me as my brother Tauvo once was.
I would do anything to protect her, to secure her welfare and happiness.
Whether or not I would have made the same choice if I were her (that grin which always disconcerted Crichton so appeared for a moment again), the fact remains that she has made her choice. She chose you. I will support her in her decision.
If you are so foolish as to drive her away and she ever changes her mind, I will support her in that too. So will Talyn.
I strongly advise you to give this careful consideration. Then go to her and reconcile yourselves."
Aeryn's body turned to leave the den, "her" strides longer and quicker than usual.
"Crichton, whatever you do," Crais remarked before he left the galley and without turning, "I advise you not to make her unhappy."
In the meantime Aeryn had followed Crichton. The quicker strides easily overtook Crichton's. Aeryn grabbed him by the arm and turned him around, surprised as she did so how easily she overpowered him. Even in her own body, her strength more than matched his. In this powerfully built male Sebacean body, the body of a trained warrior, and upset as she was by all that was happening, she might as well have been manhandling a child.
Taken a bit aback by this, Aeryn let go of him. "John, John Crichton, wait..."
Crichton turned to Crais, no, Aeryn. He had been surprised as well by her strength or rather that of Bialar's and in that instance realised that Crais had never used his full strength on him. The ritual he had seen them perform had proven that to him and this simple gesture confirmed it, "What is it? Shouldn't you be with Crais? He can understand you better than I can. He can teach you better than I can. He is more your match than I am. He..."
"Crichton, shut up!" Aeryn's scowl appeared on Crais' face. "Yes, you are right. In many respects he is better than you are, stronger, faster but it is you I have chosen. Can't you get that in that thick skull of yours?"
She moved closer, for a moment forgetting that she was in Crais' body. She brought her hand tenderly up to his face, her eyes softened and Crichton recoiled in horror. She... he... wasn't going to kiss him was he? He didn't much care to feel Crais' beard on his lips, "Aeryn, you are not yourself." He inched away from her... him.
Aeryn stopped her movements, realising what Crichton was seeing, "I am sorry John. I... I forgot what this... I must look like to you. It seems that the longer I inhabit this body, the more comfortable I am in it.
But I am still Aeryn... the part of me that is "me" is here, facing you... John, we have to talk... we have to discuss this. There is still almost a day to go. We can't avoid the issue."
"As long as He doesn't get too comfortable in your body," growled Crichton.
At that moment Crais came around the corner, looking refreshed after the shower he had. It was obvious that he carried Aeryn's body with the same confidence as if it was his own. There was a spring to Aeryn's step. The shoulders were even more thrown back. The strides were a little longer than they should be, "Aeryn" had a smile on her face.
"Crichton," Crais greeted with a deep rumble of pleasure and walked past the couple towards their room to get clean clothes.
Crichton scowled at "her" retreating form.
Aeryn tried to get his attention back but the damage had been done.
"See, Aeryn, it never fails... he never fails to slip that knife in and give it a twist..."
"John, what are you talking about? Be reasonable! Crais has done nothing to you. If anyone is to blame here, it would be me. I was the one who found that priest, who confided in him and trusted in him. I am responsible for this turn of events."
Crichton found himself staring into the face, looking at the form, of Bialar Crais. Concentrating all of his attention on those eyes, which held another soul, he said, "I'm sorry, Aeryn, I just can't handle this now." He turned away once more and proceeded to walk, and then nearly run, down the corridor.
.
Aeryn looked forlornly at the floor. This was going to be difficult,and not only for Crichton. That stubborn drannit of a Human!
Crais had just walked into Aeryn's and John's room when he heard the pounding feet of Crichton in the corridor. He sighed. He had a fair idea what had happened. He stepped out into the corridor, nearly walking straight into the Jhumon.
Crichton tried to sidestep Aeryn... Crais but Crais had something else in mind. He took hold of Crichton's arm, pulled him across and nearly slammed him into the wall.
Aeryn's angry face was only inches away from Crichton's. Crais said with a deep growl, "Why don't you want to listen to reason, Crichton? This situation will last for just a little while. Both Aeryn and myself are respecting each other's bodies and will take no advantage of it. We even respect... other's feelings, even though that is not as easy as it seems, judging by your behaviour. Your actions are not making it easier for us to ignore the bodies we are in. It is you who keeps reminding us. It is you who keeps us being aware. Your misplaced fears, your doubts, your own insecurity and jealousy.
If you have no faith in me, (here an enigmatic, rather grim smile appeared on Aeryn's visage), why do you have so little faith in Aeryn?
You claim that she is what you call "the one", that there is no other ever for you. If you care for her even half as much as you claim to, how can you have so little faith in her?"
Crichton drew back from Aeryn... Crais but was stopped by Moya's bulkhead, "Crais, I do love her but..."
Crais stepped closer, Aeryn's face was close enough that Crichton could feel her warm breath on his face yet Crais' voice broke through, "There are no 'but's', Crichton, you either love her and trust her unconditionally or you don't. She loves you unconditionally, she would die for you. I bet she doesn't even say anything when she sees your eyes straying to some of the female crewmembers."
Crichton paled.
"Aeryn"grinned, "Maybe she doesn't see it but I do. Underneath this flesh, underneath the uniform I am still a male and I can recognise the appreciation of a male for a female like any other male. I can also see how she loves you. Don't you dare to do less for her."
Aeryn stepped back and gave Crichton some breathing space, "You can handle this like a man who loves his woman or like a spoilt, jealous boy. Your choice. Talk to her."
Aeryn turned on her heel and returned to the chamber only long enough to pick up a change of clothing. "She" then proceeded down the corridor, garments in hand.
.
Crichton's head was spinning from the images running through his head of times that he knew he must have been obvious in his appreciation of female forms of various species. He had never known Aeryn to "miss" anything. Her keen powers of observation had been one of the gifts that had kept them all alive this long.
At that moment, the form of Bialar Crais entered the chamber.
"Aeryn"...
"Crais" turned to him. "Yes, John?"
"I... uhm... I am sorry to have behaved like such a fool. I know this can't be easy for you... or Crais. I'll try and not be... jealous."
Crais cocked his head, "John, did you come to this conclusion yourself or did Crais have a... word with you?" There was a small smile on his face.
Crichton looked ashamed, "It was Crais who talked me in seeing sense, I must admit. I... I know you two have tried not to... you know... ("Crais" looked amused) think that much about your... new bodies."
Crais looked at him teasingly and run his hands over his tight abdomen, "Oh, I don't know, this is quite a comfortable body, maybe I should keep it a bit longer." She noticed the pained expression on Crichton's face and she continued, "It would also mean that Bialar would inhabit my body for a longer period though. I have already imposed upon him, and do not know that he would appreciate the continued separation from that which is rightfully his."
"Crais'" eyes met his; the look was frank and full of challenge, but the corner of his mouth quirked a bit in the beginning of a smile and he stepped closer to Crichton, "Unless of course you might try and find that a deeper understanding between us is another option? I could always ask Crais if he would mind." The smile around the mouth curved mischievously.
Crichton made mewling sounds, "No... I think I've had enough insight as it is."
"Good. I will refresh myself and change into some fresh clothes first before we all have breakfast." They walked to Crais' quarters.
.
Part 10
.
Crais was putting the finishing touches on Aeryn's attire and was wondering how to close the leather vest and keep everything in at the same time. It hadn't felt comfortable if he started on the top fastener, too restricted. It pushed everything up when he started lower and then the top wouldn't close. He was contemplating getting a sleeveless shirt out of his own cupboard when Aeryn and Crichton walked in. He whirled around, still in a state of partial undress.
Aeryn saw the confused look on her own face and guessed what the problem was. She smiled and walked over to Crais, "Here, let me help you with that."
"Crais'" face slowly blossomed into a huge grin although she was trying desperately hard not to show her mirth. She gave up, and began to laugh.
"There's a trick to everything, and it seems that this day will be quite the learning experience for both of us. Let me show you how that's done... You see, you start fastening", as she reached over to help him, "and then you push them up a bit..."
Crichton had to make an effort not to run from the sight in front of him. It would stay with him for the rest of his life. Crais trying to get Aeryn dressed! Aeryn moving in funny positions to get everything suited up and Crais laughing, while he busied himself with Aeryn's fasteners.
Crais tried to follow Aeryn's instructions, "Does getting dressed always feel this pleasant?"
"Crais" blushed, "Well, not always. I never really think about it."
Aeryn's head nodded, "I understand." He scratched her chin expecting to find the stubble there and dropped the hand when he encountered smooth skin.
Aeryn had seen the movement, "You might give me a hand as well." She brought Crais' hand up and felt the stubble, "I don't think you want to put me on a learning curve to shave you, would you?"
There was shock in "Aeryn's" eyes, "I will shave you."
Crais sat in front of Aeryn while "she" took out a sharp razor like blade. "Sit still," Crais' deep voice said to Aeryn.
After lathering the cheeks and the neck, "Aeryn" set about shaving "Crais" deftly and neatly, "Push your tongue between the inside of your under lip and your bottom teeth... that's right... and make it push out." With two swift flicks of the wrist the two blank spaces in the goatee were done.
Aeryn felt Crais' cheeks, they felt cool and smooth. She grinned, "That was quite pleasant."
"Aeryn" smiled back, "At least we had two good experiences today to start off the day."
The both turned to Crichton who had very uncharacteristically said not a word since he and "Crais" had entered the chamber.
He had found reason to be jealous, all right, but not because of anything improper he had witnessed over the last 10 arns. He had found that he was jealous of the camaraderie between these two ex-Peacekeepers, the backgrounds shared, the things they had both experienced in their military careers, the things they shared as fellow Sebaceans.
It didn't matter if they had slept together as innocently as two puppies, or a knight and his maiden separated by the width of a sword in an erp-ly medieval tale. It didn't matter. They shared things that he never could, and it was unworthy of him, but it was the most understandable thing in the world.
They both turned to Crichton. He was gone...
Aeryn turned to Crais, "Wasn't Crichton just here?"
"Yes, he was," replied "Aeryn", "What was it you said to him?"
"Aeryn" looked briefly away, "Just man to man talk. He understood."
"Maybe not as well as I had hoped," Aeryn said softly, longing for John's touch.
Aeryn placed a hand on "Crais'" shoulder, "I know, Aeryn. These last arns have not been easy on any of us, especially not on Crichton. You two will have to talk once this is over and I know it will not be an easy talk."
"You are right, Crais," she was grateful that he understood, "Shall we join the others in the galley and have something to eat?"
"Aeryn's" head nodded and they moved to the galley...
.
Meanwhile, Crichton had rushed into the chamber he normally shared with Aeryn, and thrown himself down onto the bed.
Thinking about everything he had witnessed, everything he had felt over the last 10 arns, he began to feel more and more foolish and unworthy. Frell, he hadn't acted this childishly since his teenage years, had he?
What had Crais said to him, that he could either react to all this like a man or like a puling child? Well, he hadn't said "puling", but he might as well have. Reviewing how he had been acting, he was coming to as harsh an assessment as Crais, if not more so.
It was because of Crichton that Officer Aeryn Sun had lost her life with the Peacekeepers. She had left everything she knew. Was it so unreasonable for her to welcome the one last connection still available to her to that lost existence?
Did he begrudge the woman he loved, the "one", the small comforts she could wrest from her friendship with her former Captain?
Crichton admitted to himself that he didn't really think Crais would hurt her, and he didn't really think that Aeryn would walk away from him or betray him with Crais.
Why when it came to Bialar Crais did he suddenly find it so hard to act in a manner which was deserving of Aeryn's good regard?
Well, it was time for him to straighten up and fly right.
Crichton got up and prepared to show his face in the galley. Aeryn and Crais were probably there by now. The rest of the crew might be, too. It was time for breakfast, and maybe for some bitter medicine.
.
When he walked into the galley they were already seated at the table, D'Argo turned around and smiled, "There you are! You're lucky, 10 microns later and Rygel would have finished it all." He turned back to the others.
Crichton sat opposite Crais and Aeryn. They seemed to be sharing a joke between them, speaking in low voices. Aeryn's face was displaying the cool calm exterior that Crais always showed and which drove Crichton to irritation, while Crais' face displayed a radiant smile and was very animated under Aeryn's influence.
Crichton tried to ignore it. Chiana spoiled it, "Has "Crais" already tried to return the kiss you gave him, John?" Crichton blushed.
Crais' face turned to Crais, then to Crichton, and Aeryn's voice asked, "What kiss is she talking about John?" A small smile appeared on Aeryn's face.
"It was cycles ago," stammered Crichton.
Aeryn wouldn't let go, she too put a small smile on Crais' face, "Still a kiss is a kiss. Care to tell me about it? Or shall I follow Chiana's advice and kiss you now?"
Crichton was beginning to feel as though he'd just fallen down a rabbit hole. There was a kiss, and then there was ...a kiss.
He had a pretty good idea that the kind of kiss Crais... er... Aeryn had in mind was a "kiss". NOT like the kiss he'd landed on Crais years ago, back in the bad old days when Captain Bialar Crais had newly resigned his Peacekeeper commission.
A picture of this kiss flashed before his mind's eye, horrifying him. The face of his once mortal enemy and still archrival in many ways -the beard, that always neat, satanic looking goatee-those deep, dark eyes, always filled with intelligence, sometimes with sardonic humour, other times with menace. That raven hair, always either too severely pulled back or wildly loose, as it's owner's temper tended to be. The touch of those lips, the feel of those strong arms surrounding him.
John Crichton had suffered nightmares more than once about this man even after the Sebacean had ostensibly stopped chasing him across this arm of the galaxy. He wasn't the only one who had been terrorized by him. The image of an ogre-Crais came brilliantly to life for a moment.
That the eyes were those of Aeryn -at least in spirit- did not salvage the situation. Somehow, they made it worse. A play kiss, a sarcastic gesture, was one thing. But there was no right way to react to this threatened... thing.
Crichton turned in horror to "Aeryn". The array of expressions on her... his face was very interesting. Humour... a quick hint of satisfaction and victory... a slight embarrassment... a pained look... a look of... sympathy and empathy?
"But Aeryn, it wasn't like that. Hey, Crais, tell her..." The two men held each other's gaze for a moment.
Crais contemplated his next move. It would be so easy to "shoot" down the Human, just as easy as taking away a child's toy. Crais looked at Crichton, he could see the plea in his eyes to help him out, to confirm that it had been nothing.
For a moment Crais was tempted to say that he didn't know what Erp's customs were on the concept of recreation. When Crichton "kissed" him, Crais had felt humiliated, disgusted to be touched by an inferior species, especially in that manner. He had not been able to defend himself at the time, as the Human was defenceless now. It would have been so easy.
But Crais also knew he had changed, even if the others were not willing to see it, especially Crichton. Would he prove them right and denounce Crichton's innocence? Make him the centre of humiliation and glee? Would his act of kindness be thrown back into his face at a later date if he decided to help the Human out?
"Aeryn" looked up into the pleading eyes of Crichton, eyes which told him "please, don't do this to me, man". He turned to Aeryn, "Crichton and I have no more responsibility to explain every moment of our lives, every action we see fit to take, than do you and I, Aeryn.
Nonetheless, no, it was not that kind of kiss. Chiana can confirm that if she wishes to, although she seems intent on causing trouble at the moment, not preventing it.
I myself would rather not cause more provocation. This situation has provided us all with challenges, and the day is hardly over."
After a brief pause, he said, "Let it be, Aeryn. We will all need to defer to our best judgment and impulses today."
His eyes met Crichton's again, and they held each other's gaze for a microt or so. In those blue eyes, he saw a fervent "thank you" expressed.
Maybe, that sense of gratitude would turn out to be fleeting. Well, they would see soon enough.
Crichton had been surprised by Crais' reaction. He had expected him to smirk, to gloat, to milk it for all it was worth. He had not expected him to let it go and to deflect it from escalating.
There was a hint of regret on Chiana's face. It could have been so much fun. She had seen Crichton squirm but when she looked at the calm face of Aeryn, she could only smile, "Crais is right, it wasn't that sort of a kiss. Don't think there was any love between them."
"I certainly hope not," muttered Crais under his breath.
Crais' face lit up in a smile, "Since that is cleared up, what are we going to do with our day?"
"I still have some maintenance to take care of and..." Crais started.
"Are you obsessed with work Crais," Crichton spoke up, "You have been body switching or mind switching or whatever they call it. And all you can do is think about work?"
"What do you want me to do, Crichton? Explore how Aeryn's body works?" There was a smile on Aeryn's face.
Crichton blushed. He felt like a colt who had been let out of his stall, ready to race his stable mates around a very large field on the most beautiful sunny spring day, only to find his rider in the saddle, pulling on the reins.
He could tell that both Aeryn and Crais were amused by the situation he had put himself in. For that matter, everyone in the galley, meaning everyone on Moya, seemed to find this hilariously funny. Except for himself.
On the other hand, he was still aware that he had just been saved from a very awkward scene by Crais. Why could Crais never do what Crichton considered "the right thing" without immediately spending all the good credit that he had earned by turning around and doing something else that Crichton found obnoxious, if not downright wrong?
Still, he had no good answer for Crais. If he didn't expect the Sebacean to busy himself with routine chores, what did he propose that Crais do?
Aeryn's voice interrupted the suddenly awkward silence.
"Crais, I think there is something that we should both attend to before we consider anything else. You have been incommunicado with Talyn for nearly half a solar day now. We know that you often remove your transponder before the rest cycle, but is it not time for you to contact him? How are we going to explain this to him?"
Crais looked at himself and said, "Thank you for reminding me, Aeryn. I would like to contact him but since you are wearing my transponder, it might be best if I talked to him over the ship's comms first before we confuse Talyn. It will be difficult at best."
Aeryn agreed and they went to Pilot's Den to accomplish this task.
.
Part 11
.
Crais found it better to leave the visuals off and to explain it to Talyn by voice only, "Talyn, we have encountered a slight problem."
Talyn was obviously confused and his chirping made that very clear.
Crais had been so used to Talyn's moods and questions that the others were not surprised that he answered Talyn as if the youngster had just asked him a question, "Talyn, the reason I am not conversing to you through the transponder is because at the moment I am unable to. (Talyn chirped worriedly) No, there is nothing to be worried about, I am not ill and the transponder is working. It is just..." Crais looked for the right words.
He resumed, "When Aeryn went down to the planet, we... exchanged places (again Talyn chirped). No, not in that sense. Somehow our minds and voices exchanged bodies. Aeryn is in my body... temporarily (he looked at Aeryn and hoped he was right) and since she is in my body, she wears the transponder. I did not want to alarm you by letting her speak to you first. I didn't want to confuse you. You do understand?" Talyn chirped once.
"She will speak to you now," Aeryn's face smiled. He looked at Aeryn and motioned where he kept his transponder in one of his inside pockets.
Luckily she had put his tunic on at the last micron or they would have had to go back to his quarters on Moya. He had found it difficult to see himself wearing the tunic open but that was how Aeryn had liked to wear it.
Aeryn reached for the transponder and pulled it out. As she held it in her hand (she had rarely had the opportunity to examine it closely), Crais laid "his" hand on "her" forearm. He pressed down gently, signalling her to sit down before she attempted to insert the device.
"Aeryn, you once briefly used a more modest version of this instrument. You must be careful, especially at first. This transponder is much more powerful. While my physical body is used to it, your senses must not be overloaded by the data input.
You must progress slowly, and in steps. I will be at your side. Are you ready?"
Aeryn smiled and nodded just a bit uncertainly to him.
Crais covered the larger male hand with his smaller female one, and guided the hand holding the transponder around to the base of his neck where it joined with his spine.
Aeryn inserted the transponder into its cradle. She gasped. Crais was right, this new transponder was much more powerful than the one she had used briefly.
Her mind rushed through the corridors and pathways of Talyn, could feel his happiness of seeing her again ~Hello Aeryn. It is good to see you back~ His thoughts rushed past her.
She came to an abrupt stop and felt nauseous when she felt as if her stomach was pressed against her spine, "It's good to be back, Talyn." She tried to regain her balance of mind.
~Don't rush it~ said Talyn ~Crais is used to it, you are not~ She could feel how Talyn guided her mind calmly, could sense how Crais steadied her with her own hands. She was surprised that both males could be so gentle.
She finally settled down. She could hear both their voices almost in unison, "That's it. Easy. Don't make any sudden thoughts or moves."
She looked around, she was in Command. The senses and the sights were so much sharper than the first time she had the transponder. While looking around she could also sense, feel and see space. Felt Talyn's lifeblood flowing through him. The sensations were overwhelming and she reeled forward. Could feel how her own body embraced Crais'. Felt comforted by it.
Outside the link, Crais steadied Aeryn when he saw his own body sag forward. He knew what she was experiencing. He held her close, his presence a reassurance. He knew she could feel that too. And his eyes closed briefly. He had been with Talyn for so long that being cut off from the youngster only strengthened the longing to be linked.
Crichton resisted the urge to step forward to pull Aeryn... Crais away from Crais' body, knowing that Crais only wanted to help Aeryn. But to see the bodies almost in a lover's embrace with their eyes closed, it was difficult not to.
Aeryn opened her eyes again in the link, "Crais has already explained some of what has happened. It is my fault you are not with Crais at the moment."
Talyn said he understood. Aeryn resisted the urge to stand up and pace, "I had only wanted to be as strong as he is. I had no idea that our consciousness... our souls... would actually switch into each other's physical bodies. It never occurred to me that you would also be affected by my actions. I am sorry, Talyn..."
Aeryn's mind felt a rush of reassurance from the young Leviathan.
~It's all right, Aeryn, He is strong, isn't he? But he isn't perfect. He's done some bad things... but not to me, not since he joined with me. He's taken care of me. He tries to teach me.
I... I haven't always done the right thing. Those were the times that I was too afraid or upset to listen to him.
I can understand that you would want to find strength in him, learn it from him. I want to also, but sometimes it's so hard.
Moya tries to help me, but she doesn't understand. Crais understands~
Aeryn experienced an overwhelming feeling of affection and trust flooding her from the little ship.
Being used to vocalising whenever she communicated, she continued to speak out loud even though she could have conversed with Talyn in absolute silence.
"Talyn, we all make mistakes. You, Crais, me, all of us. Sometimes we can make amends, but all too often that is not an option. Sometimes the best we can do is move on, and vow not to make the same mistake again.
We don't blame you for anything you've done in the past. We've all made enough mistakes of our own. Sometimes you just have to learn to live with them. What you and Crais did in the Command Carrier was brave, and selfless and as close as anyone can come to atonement for any misdeeds you've committed ."
Aeryn sat there quietly for a moment, basking in the physical and mental comfort and reassurance she was receiving from both Crais and Talyn. She felt totally enfolded in a feeling of acceptance and affection...of love.
Aeryn heard a question in her mind.
~Why do you think you need more strength, Aeryn? You always seemed to be so strong, too. You helped me understand what the feelings I had were. You explained to me what love was. Remember when the other John Crichton was with you, when I was hurt and we were hiding and then the Budong tried to eat us?
That was one of the bad things I did. But you stopped me in time. You showed me what feelings for someone else were, and that they were right. You let me see inside of you. You're wonderful, Aeryn. Is it still the same now? You didn't want to be with Crais and me. But not because you didn't care about Crais and me. You showed me how much it meant to you to be with the Jhumon... the human, right?~
"That's right, Talyn. I do care about you and Crais, just not the same way I care about Crichton. This Crichton. They are two different men, but they are still also both John Crichton..."
Crichton stood looking at Crais and Aeryn in stony silence. Aeryn's body was precariously balanced on the armrest and she had her strong arms wrapped protectively around the seated body of Crais. Her eyes were closed too. Yet there was nothing in the gesture that spoke of anything else than protection.
From the one sided conversation the others were hearing it was obvious that Talyn did most of the talking. Crichton felt uncomfortable with the way she discussed him and the other John to Talyn. She cared for him. Did that also mean that she loved him? She did not say so explicitly.
Crais held his own body from swaying and falling forward. He could feel it in the way the muscles in his body went limp at times. The new transponder was putting a great deal of strain on Aeryn and he wondered if he should discontinue the conversation. But if anything was obvious, it was that the conversation meant an awful lot to both of them.
Aeryn continued, "Yes, Talyn, there are different kinds of "love". I love both you and Crais. But I love you both as friends, as comrades.
I love Crichton. He is a friend and a comrade too. But he is "more" than that. He told me once that I was "the one". Do you remember when we were hiding out with you? The other John Crichton said I was his "Guiding Star".
Well, that is what John Crichton is to me. Both John Crichtons. They are fundamentally the same man. It took me a long time to face the fact that I had lost John Crichton once. It took me even longer to realize that I hadn't. Once, I could not believe that fate had been so cruel to me. Now I realize that fate has never been kinder."
Crichton was moved by her words. If he had ever had any doubt about her feelings for him, they now vanished as snow in the sun. He wondered how Crais was taking her words. Crichton had always believed that the Captain had certain feelings for her that went beyond camaraderie but there was nothing in "Aeryn's" expression that told him what the other man was thinking.
~I understand, Aeryn. The love you share with Crichton is different than the love you feel for Crais and me. I do see that now. As is the love Crais and I feel for each other and our love for you~
"You love me too?" Aeryn wanted to know how Crais and Talyn saw her.
~Why yes, Aeryn. Of course we do, did you doubt us? We love you like a Sister. Not of our blood but closer than a friend. We would never want to see you harmed or hurt~
Aeryn smiled, "Thank you, Talyn. That means a lot to me."
Talyn was happy ~Can you see us as Brothers?~
"You and Crais will always be that," Aeryn said softly.
The pleasure that rippled through Talyn was strongly felt by Aeryn and Crais' body swayed more strongly ~Sorry, Aeryn. I wasn't thinking. You are strong but in a different way than Crais is. I hope you two will be able to learn from each other's strength. You have to rest now. Tell Crais I will be happy to see him back and I do understand~
.
"Crais" opened his eyes and Aeryn's blue eyes looked in Crais' brown eyes. There was a smile on Crais' face, "Thank you, Crais. Talyn understands, my Brother. He will be glad to see you back." She took the transponder out and handed it back to Crais.
Crais' dark eyes had softened too, "You will always be my Sister."
Crichton was getting confused, "What's this? A family gathering? I didn't know you two were related."
Aeryn and Crais both looked at him, Crais stood up and Aeryn was able to stand up now as well, they both looked at each other and smiled.
Crais' body walked up to Crichton, there was a distinct sway to the movements. "Crais'" hand rested on Crichton's cheek tenderly and she had to resist the urge to kiss him, "You are right John, you will not understand."
.
Part 12
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Crichton heard Aeryn's words. Not "You do not understand", and not "You cannot understand". "You will not understand."
That one word reverberated through him. Was the problem that he would not understand? That he had the ability to understand, but was purposely choosing not to?
That did not fit in with his self-image. He thought of himself, as most individuals naturally do, as being "in the right". The things he did were understandable and reasonable and justifiable.
He looked again at the person standing in front of him, the woman he swore he loved more than anything, the woman he had called "the one". She was in the body of his once sworn enemy, but the being in there, the soul, was that of Aeryn Sun. Was the way he was acting fair to her or anyone else?
Beyond her, mere feet away, was the body of Aeryn Sun, inhabited by the spirit of Bialar Crais. He was sure that the other male had more than just "brotherly" feelings towards her. But was he justified in blaming the other Sebacean for that? Didn't he wonder sometimes how anyone could not feel for Aeryn as he did? Didn't he think, "Poor fools! How could they not realize how wonderful she was? Didn't they know what they were missing?"
Shouldn't he judge Crais by how he acted toward Aeryn and the others, rather than be filled with jealousy that Crais also recognized her worth?
Shouldn't he trust Aeryn Sun, who had time and again shown that it was John Crichton she had chosen, and would continue to choose?
Crichton did not back away from "Crais", but he did not return her caress, either. He suddenly felt very tired.
Aeryn lingered for a moment longer, a small smile on her face, and then walked away. The others, who had been hoping for revelations, which had not been forthcoming, had drifted off too.
When Crichton looked up he was aware that he was left alone with Aeryn... Crais and that the other was looking at him calmly. It had always annoyed him how Crais could look so calm, well, most times anyway, and to see it reflected on Aeryn's features was slightly disconcerting. Aeryn was now staring at him as prey.
Crichton fidgeted. He wanted to run away from Crais, out of the room, try and sort his thoughts out but he also didn't want to back down. The silence grew thick.
It was Crais' voice that broke it, "Please, sit down, Crichton."
"Why should I?" He could run now.
Crais smiled, his voice grew softer, "There is something I want to explain to you. It might benefit your... relationship with Aeryn."
This piqued Crichton's curiosity and he sat down, almost three chairs away from Crais. Crais didn't shrug his shoulders but Crichton recognised it in Crais' eyes.
"Crichton," Crais said calmly, "I have the distinct impression... No, I know that you think that I have certain... feelings for Aeryn. I will admit that maybe that was so, a long time ago. These feelings have changed. She is like a Sister to me... and Talyn."
Crichton raised his eyebrow. Part of him wanted to believe what Crais was about to tell him, part of him didn't want to. The part of him that didn't want to was afraid that he might understand Crais, that he would have to rethink what he normally thought of him, "Yeah, they have words for that on Jerry Springer."
"Who's he," Crais asked in genuine confusion. When Crichton did not impart the information, he continued, "In Sebacean culture we know two forms of relations. In the physical form, brothers and sisters are born from at least one shared parent. In the metaphysical form, they don't have to be blood related. Brothers and Sisters can accept each other as if they were born from the same parents, and sometimes those ties are stronger."
Crais could see that this was confusing Crichton further, "Crichton, Aeryn is like that Sister to Talyn and I. Not of our blood but closer than a blood tie could be. She has our protection and our... love, for want of a better word. She is as precious to me as my brother Tauvo once was.
I would do anything to protect her, to secure her welfare and happiness.
Whether or not I would have made the same choice if I were her (that grin which always disconcerted Crichton so appeared for a moment again), the fact remains that she has made her choice. She chose you. I will support her in her decision.
If you are so foolish as to drive her away and she ever changes her mind, I will support her in that too. So will Talyn.
I strongly advise you to give this careful consideration. Then go to her and reconcile yourselves."
Aeryn's body turned to leave the den, "her" strides longer and quicker than usual.
"Crichton, whatever you do," Crais remarked before he left the galley and without turning, "I advise you not to make her unhappy."