Part 16
After he finished the fruit Crais left the galley in search of Aeryn. He had a fair idea where he would find her, and directed himself to the training area.
She had already stripped off the tunic and was attacking the exercise pole with fervour. Crais watched her for a moment before walking over.
"I hope you are not going to over-extend my body too much," he said softly.
Aeryn looked at him, and then turned away again, "Why not? I seem to be doing everything else wrong."
Crais closed the last few feet between them, and reached out to her, putting one hand at the point of each shoulder and gently turning her back around to face him.
"Aeryn", he said, "Please sit down. We need to talk. I believe that it would benefit both of us, and everybody else on Moya."
He pressed down lightly on her shoulders.
"All right, Crais. I owe you that. Cholok knows we all owe you more than that."
"Never mind who owes whom what. Aeryn, what you did... I was very upset at first. But not anymore.
This is hard for me to say, but let me try.
We all have our needs, our insecurities. None of us has had an innocent, carefree life. It seems to me that it is a most normal reaction to think that our own troubles are the worst, and to think that others are more fortunate and have it easier.
Over the cycles that we have all been together, we have seen glimpses, and sometimes more than enough, of the things that have driven and haunted us.
Not one of us has always confronted our demons as wisely or even as honestly as we should have. We can only try to do the best we can. That has to be enough."
Aeryn looked into his... her own eyes. She smiled ruefully after a moment, "That's easy for you to say, Crais. You are so self-sufficient. Beyond Talyn, you need no one."
"Aeryn, have I fooled you as well? And if I have found a way to survive like that, are you so sure how satisfying and enjoyable of a life it is?
Do you know what the others were saying when I left the galley? Chiana had just finished explaining to Crichton in no uncertain terms that she felt he had exceeded his bounds both in treating you so rudely and then in overreacting to your objection. D'Argo was explaining to him that your concern is both understandable and unnecessary. The others will all back you up as needed. I believe his words were 'She should know we're all there for her, and you and Crais... she's been there for us enough times...'
Crichton, meanwhile, was confessing that he thought you were right in reacting to him as you did, and that he thought 'he needed a shake-up'.
So you see, if you have been so wrong, you have some excellent company. And you have your friends behind you."
He paused, and then gently tilted her... his own chin a bit so that she was gazing directly into his eyes. "Including me", he said.
Aeryn looked up, still not believing what he had just told her, "But Crais... I make so many mistakes. I am different from the others. They sometimes still see me as the Peacekeeper who came on board and stayed."
Crais' eyes were soft, "That is not always wrong, Aeryn. Sometimes we need to be strong in combat, whether this is in battle or a personal obstacle. Your Peacekeeper training gives you that edge. The others need that. They are not skilled in battle, you are."
Aeryn looked down, "I cannot relate to them at times."
Crais sighed, "That might never change, who knows, but they have accepted you as you are. Their words prove that. You are a friend, a comrade and a companion to them. They love you, each in their own way. Give them the chance to help you relate to them. You need them just as much as they need you."
Aeryn looked up again, "And you, Crais? You just said that you have fooled me as well. What do you need?"
Crais looked away, "I have chosen to be alone. To accept that makes it easier for me to survive."
This time it was Aeryn who made him look at her, "I have always thought that your strength came from being able to be on your own but you need companionship as much as all of us. I can see that now. Why do you deny that to yourself, Crais?"
"I have to Aeryn. They do not accept me as they do you and I cannot blame them, But you... You are different from me too." He smiled, "Better in some ways, I might add."
He grew serious again, "You said you wanted to experience my strength but what about yours? You had the strength to change. To become more than the Peacekeeper doctrine taught you. Your command lies in persuasion. You have the ability to make others feel comfortable and to make them laugh. Your leadership is different from mine."
"But you are always so calm, in perfect control..."
Crais smiled, "Am I, Aeryn? To me it is a necessity. It comes from cycles of being in control but is that what you would want? I have learned from you. I know you find that difficult to understand but seeing how you persuaded Talyn has taught me how to use persuasion. It is not always successful, and sometimes I slip up but I try. Do you always want to be in perfect control? It would not suit you, Aeryn. It would destroy you."
Aeryn considered for a moment what Crais had just revealed.
"Crais, you sound as though you think they cannot and should not accept you. Why do you think this? Why can't you blame them for that?"
"Aeryn, I imprisoned the Luxan although I was well aware that he had been falsely accused and convicted. Likewise, I held Rygel as a political prisoner for cycles; that is only the beginning of his legitimate grievance against me. I hounded Crichton although I knew in my heart from the beginning that he was no more responsible for my brother's death than the prowler he was flying or the asteroid his ship crashed into. I threatened to have you declared irreversibly contaminated and executed. I hunted you all unmercifully. I kidnapped Talyn under false pretenses. I will not even speak of my transgressions against Moya and her pilot. That they freely allow me on board is more than I deserve from either one."
Here he stopped.
"Crais, you are also the reason why we have survived. We all owe our lives to you. You helped us stay free of Scorpius. Crichton would have died at his hands without you. Both Moya and Talyn would either be dead or enslaved by Peacekeepers long ago... probably the former.
For that matter, you are the only reason that Peacekeepers have not begun enslaving or destroying the entire known galaxy.
If we hold you to account for some of your actions, we should also credit you with the others.
Is this how you punish yourself to atone for your misdeeds? And how long will you continue to do so?"
Crais looked away and stared into the distance. His voice became distant, soft, "My misdeeds are multiple, Aeryn. Yes, I do have hopes that someday others will forget what I have been, what I have done and will remember what good I have sought to do. But that is only hope, not reality. I would drive myself insane if I really expected that I could change people's beliefs of me or if I foolishly thought that hope could become reality."
Aeryn was silent. Crais was always so secretive about himself. This was a rare moment they were sharing and she had the feeling that it might be the only one Crais would allow himself to share with anyone.
He briefly looked back at her and then he stared at the floor between his hands, "Do you know that the worse torture is not physical? Or even mental horrors? The worse torture is Hope. You take that away from someone time and again and that person will be broken, however strong."
He looked back at her. His defences were up again, "I will not be broken."
It only lasted briefly; then he resumed staring ahead of himself, "I can not afford to. Talyn needs me."
Aeryn felt sad for Crais, "Talyn needs you. You always say that when you want to hide, Crais. He is your excuse to deny yourself a life. You tell me to accept the others as my friends because that is what they are. Yet, every time someone comes close to you, you become aloof, arrogant, immerse yourself in work. Isn't it time you reviewed your situation as well?"
Crais looked away. She pulled his face back. The sadness she saw on her own face made her bite her lip, "Crais the very concept of hope implies that what is hoped for may become reality. Otherwise, we are speaking not of hope, but delusion.
The longest journey begins with one single small step. And then it requires another. And another.
You tell me to listen to the words of the others, my friends, and to believe them. Perhaps you should, also. You tell me that D'Argo said that they were all there for me, and Crichton, and you. Those were your words. If I should believe the Luxan when he says they're here for John and for myself, why should you not believe him when he includes you in that list? Do you believe that he was just flattering you? Do you think he would bother?"
After the shortest of pauses, "How good at flattery do you think D'Argo is anyway?"
This brought an unwilling smile to "Aeryn's" face.
"Bialar, you tell me that I have changed. Yes, everyone changes... or dies. It's true. The others have never embraced you as they have me. However, they do not regard you as they once did, either... And you can be prickly as a volgarian bush to approach.
Perhaps a little more movement on both sides would be wise. Small steps, careful steps."
Aeryn caressed Crais'... her own, face. Briefly, but it was a caress. "I would not see you broken..."
So many emotions played over "Aeryn's" features at once, for a moment Crais was losing all the calm he was so famous, and infamous, for. He wanted to believe her words, drew a certain comfort from them. Yes, D'Argo had said they would be there for him too.
For a brief moment it looked as if he was going to give in, believe, but then his own self doubt returned, and the fear that all would once again be taken away from him. He drew a shuddering breath and stepped away from Aeryn, balling her smaller fists, "I can't, Aeryn, I am sorry." He all but fled from the room.
.
Part 17
.
"Crais" sat down again. She had tried and failed.
Crichton walked into the room, "What happened to Crais? He flew out of here like a bat out of hell." He saw how dejected Crais... Aeryn looked and walked over. He sat next to her and resisted the urge to lay his hand on... the shoulder. "Care to tell me what's wrong?"
When she looked up there were tears in the eyes, "I had never realised what a tormented man he is, John. I had always thought he was so strong but his loneliness..." Her voice trailed off.
"You know Captain Crunch. Hates socialising, hates jokes, hates to relax. Broody at the best of times. Always knows best, which, I admit, he has a knack of being. A bit difficult to make friends with. Not the type of guy you invite to a stag party. Guess he's all right."
Aeryn wondered how much to reveal of what she had learned. He had spoken to her in confidence, of that she was sure, but saying nothing would also stop her from trying to help him move forward.
She looked at John, "Do you still hate him? Distrust him?"
John looked at her, "What a strange question, Aeryn. You sure you're all right? Crais' body not getting to you?"
"Crais'" face grew calm and for a moment John wondered whether they had shifted positions again, but it was the light voice of Aeryn that asked him, "No, I mean it John. What do you think now in regards to Crais?"
He looked at her, "As I said, he can be quite broody at times, he wouldn't be Crais if he wasn't, and for a while I thought he... uhm... fancied you. I realise that is not so and I hate to admit it but he has saved our eemas countless times and hardly stuck around long enough for us to thank him. I think over the cycles I've come to see him more like an older brother. The kind who already has a girlfriend, drives a car, smokes and lives in a different place, while I am still covered with acne and wondering if the fuzz on my face will grow into a beard, eventually."
John smiled, "Yeah, come to think of it, I think that's how I see him. Comes home once in a while, raids the fridge and finds his younger siblings a bit of a nuisance but rubs shoulders with them because they're family."
Aeryn said, "You're right, John. We all need family of some kind, even if we have to make our own. Crais has had none since Tauvo's death.
We've made our own here, on Moya. You've called it a Jury Springer family, but it is a family.
Crais no longer has one, not even a Jury Springer one."
She hesitated, "Do you think Crais could ever find something like that with us?"
Crichton looked at Aeryn seriously, "If he let us, I think we could act as his family, but the closer we get the more distance he seems to put between us. Sometimes I have the feeling that he is afraid of us. Not as a physical threat, more like an emotional threat."
Aeryn thought *You are closer to the truth than you know, John.*
"Why can't he be like you? We all get along with you, as a matter of fact we wouldn't stick together like a family if it wasn't for you. We love you, Baby." Crichton grinned.
Aeryn blushed and Crichton laughed, "Now that's a sight I don't see everyday."
.
Part 18
.
Meanwhile, Crais had found his way to the Observation Deck. He was alone. The others were probably still in the galley.
He looked at the vast expanse of space. His hands were pressed against his back as was his wont, but his rigid stance made him aware that Aeryn's chest stood out. He sighed. He wanted his body back so he could once again connect to Talyn. He had missed the youngster.
He contemplated what had been said in the workout area and he knew Aeryn was right. And he was also aware that he had revealed more than he had meant to. At the time it had felt like a good idea. And then had followed his flight here, to the Observation Deck. He felt his calm slipping. Yes, Aeryn and he were sharing each other's bodies in mind and in voice but some things were an intrinsic part of the body. Crais could feel himself reacting to hormones. That's why he felt so many more, such different emotions.
He stepped closer to the big window and rested his head, Aeryn's head, against it. He needed to refocus.
"Contemplating your sins?" A voice spoke from the doorway.
Crais turned around and found Crichton standing just a short distance from him. He was experiencing a veritable cascade of emotions, one after the other, anxiety regarding exposing his emotional insecurities, despair over his predicament, chagrin that the Erper had managed to catch him unawares being only several of the most predominant ones.
Crichton recognized at least some of the thoughts and feelings that were racing through the Sebacean.
"Whoa, Crais, take it easy." He held up his hands in a shielding position in front of himself and backed up a step.
"Look, I just left Aeryn back at the hangar bay. She didn't want to get specific about the things you two have been talking about. She's obviously afraid of betraying your trust. I think she'd do just about anything not to lose your friendship.
But it's not so hard to figure a few things out.
Look, this is sorta hard to say, but I want to apologize for how I've been acting, both today and, well, in general."
He hesitated, smiled a bit foolishly, and continued, "You said before that this must be hard for me. Well, it has been... For me. For all of us.
You know, Crais, when you and Talyn left with Aeryn and the other me all that time ago -funny, but time flies- I almost went crazy thinking about how I was going to lose the woman who meant everything to me. She was "the one". And I was sure I was going to lose her, even though I wasn't sure whom I was going to lose her to. Might have been the other John, might have been you.
All I knew was that it was all over for me. There were times back then that I acted like an ass, and I guess I've sort of kept up the tradition.
There have been too many times that I haven't been fair to you. Especially after the Command Carrier. If I still had doubts...
Anyway, I know that I've been unfair to you at times. We all have.
But you know, you're not the most easygoing person around here either. You're not the easiest person to approach.
What I'm thinking is that you -you and Talyn both- have done enough for the rest of us over the last several years that we shouldn't let that matter.
You know, Aeryn is an integral part of our family, in some ways, she's almost our center, but she didn't blend in easily from the word "go" either. It took time, and work on everyone's part, but slowly we built up not only trust but affection too. We've all had baggage, and sometimes it wasn't so easy to put aside. It would have been everyone's loss if we hadn't. It would have been worth all of our lives..."
Crichton's little speech ground to a halt, and he stood there, hands now held out to Crais at his sides in an open, welcoming gesture.
Crais sighed, and for a moment Crichton thought that the stern Sebacean was just going to dismiss him, banish him from his mind. He saw the small gestures Crais made when he was lecturing them or tried to get his point across as if they were children. The pinching of the brow above the bridge of his nose, the one finger trailing his eyebrow as if to dissipate the beginnings of a headache... Crichton's heart fell.
Crais looked out of the window once before turning back to Crichton. *Here we go*, thought Crichton.
"Crichton..." Crais started (and Crichton really wanted to be somewhere else), "You have raised some valid points. (Crichton became alert) I am not one of the most... easygoing persons, (Crichton's mouth almost dropped open) and I realise that it doesn't help to bridge the gap between us. Aeryn did try to explain that me as well, and I ran away, didn't want to hear it."
He turned towards the window, his voice grown soft, "For cycles I have believed that I could stay on my own and that I didn't need anyone in my life. Talyn was, and always would be, enough. But in the last cycle, I have sought your company more, the company of all of you. I made myself believe that it was Talyn who needed to be with his mother. Something Aeryn said made me review that."
He turned back to Crichton, "Isn't it ironic that I have to be put into Aeryn's body to admit that to myself? Or to you?"
He looked down on Aeryn's hands; noticing a small tremor in them, "This body is so different from mine. It is not so easily controlled. It is so full of emotions, emotions which I find harder to suppress. It makes me WANT to review the situation."
He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, "I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. That I don't need any of you. That none of you will accept me. Yet in my heart, I know differently."
He turned away from Crichton and walked back to the window, his voice was almost like a whisper to himself, "I am afraid of what I am feeling right now."
Crichton had not heard his last remark and he stepped forwards, placed a hand on Crais' shoulder, Crais looked at it briefly but did not shy away, "Crais, I know you find this hard to believe or accept but you have a home here too. We know you want to be on your own from time to time. That you don't want our company all the time and we have come to accept that."
Crichton stepped next to Crais and looked out to space and he smiled, "Do you know that we look forward to your visits? We know you're not much of a talker but sometimes Pilot shares the adventures Talyn has told his mother with us and we sometimes envy you. You bring a calm to our little group with your presence. There is an excitement when we know you are coming."
Crais looked disbelievingly at Crichton, "Why?"
Crichton smile broadened, "Well, for one, the excitement, and the safety all rolled up into one. Don't usually get those two together on either side of the galaxy. Whenever you and Talyn show up, we never know what'll happen next, but we can usually depend on something spectacular. Sometimes you two appear like the cavalry just in the nick of time, and on a few occasions, we've sorta returned the favour. Remember those Plakavoids?"
Crais stared at the jhumon. "Plokavians, Crichton, Plokavians."
"Yeah, those buggers. That's what I said."
Crais mentally rolled his eyes.
"If we hadn't kept them occupied, you two would have been in seriously deep dren..."
"Yes, Crichton, you've told us that before."
"Well, its true. Usually you two are the ones pulling our mivonks out of the fire, but every once in a while, we get to turn the tables.
"Either way, you and Talyn are two of the very few things we can depend on out here. Whether it's breaking me out of Scorpy's clutches or saving the known universe, when the chips are down, somehow you and Talyn always seem to show up. None of us would be here without you, not even Talyn. We all know that. I think even Moya does. In fact, I'm sure of that."
Crichton got a little more serious. "Besides, its comforting when you're here. Not only is your information and opinion valuable to us. You usually present us a whole different side of the picture.
And it's comforting to get that other picture. Not just because it gives us a more rounded view of our situation. It's good to know that there's someone else out there who cares what happens to us.
Who else like that do we have?
You're like our big brother. If the big bully down the street comes around to mess with us, you and Talyn will fix his wagon, even if you give us a little grief first."
Crichton suddenly got very serious, "You two care about us. You're like our guardian angels."
A short pause... "From what Talyn says, we're not the only ones..."
Crais looked away, embarrassed. He didn't want to be reminded of the things he had done, good or bad. He knew what Crichton was referring to. If Talyn had been truly forthcoming in his stories, and then Pilot in turn too, than he knew.
Crais looked into space, "Talyn and I have been present to assist others at times."
Crichton turned him around. His face was very serious now, "Crais, how long are you going to punish yourself?"
Crais flinched when he heard the Jhumon repeat the same words Aeryn had used. He tried to break free but part of him didn't want to.
"How many more people are you and Talyn going to rescue before you think your debt is paid off? How many more times must you be injured before you are hurt enough?
Pilot has told us what you and Talyn did for the people of Taraghor. How many did you save that day? Or the countless others on planets spread all over the Uncharted Territories? When will it be enough for you, Crais, so that you can finally admit that you need people too?"
"Enough Crichton!" Crais shook his hand off his shoulder, "I had to do what I had to do then. I do not need their gratitude. Anyone would have done the same." But his eyes told Crichton differently.
"We never really showed you how much we appreciate you and Talyn. Part of you doesn't want, maybe isn't sure how, to be close to anyone. You are a complex man, Mon Capitan! Not easy to please either."
"Crichton I..."
"Yes, Crais? Another one of your excuses to push us away? You are only... Sebacean." Crichton had almost said "human", but that would be wrong to do, "You need company as much as any other."
Crais shook his head, "I don't need..."
"Dren, Crais. Then why do you visit us? Why do you rescue us?"
"Talyn..."
"No, not us. Not Talyn. How about you, Crais?" Crichton shook his head mentally. This man had a thick skull sometimes. He contemplated giving him a concussion and brainwashing him.
After he finished the fruit Crais left the galley in search of Aeryn. He had a fair idea where he would find her, and directed himself to the training area.
She had already stripped off the tunic and was attacking the exercise pole with fervour. Crais watched her for a moment before walking over.
"I hope you are not going to over-extend my body too much," he said softly.
Aeryn looked at him, and then turned away again, "Why not? I seem to be doing everything else wrong."
Crais closed the last few feet between them, and reached out to her, putting one hand at the point of each shoulder and gently turning her back around to face him.
"Aeryn", he said, "Please sit down. We need to talk. I believe that it would benefit both of us, and everybody else on Moya."
He pressed down lightly on her shoulders.
"All right, Crais. I owe you that. Cholok knows we all owe you more than that."
"Never mind who owes whom what. Aeryn, what you did... I was very upset at first. But not anymore.
This is hard for me to say, but let me try.
We all have our needs, our insecurities. None of us has had an innocent, carefree life. It seems to me that it is a most normal reaction to think that our own troubles are the worst, and to think that others are more fortunate and have it easier.
Over the cycles that we have all been together, we have seen glimpses, and sometimes more than enough, of the things that have driven and haunted us.
Not one of us has always confronted our demons as wisely or even as honestly as we should have. We can only try to do the best we can. That has to be enough."
Aeryn looked into his... her own eyes. She smiled ruefully after a moment, "That's easy for you to say, Crais. You are so self-sufficient. Beyond Talyn, you need no one."
"Aeryn, have I fooled you as well? And if I have found a way to survive like that, are you so sure how satisfying and enjoyable of a life it is?
Do you know what the others were saying when I left the galley? Chiana had just finished explaining to Crichton in no uncertain terms that she felt he had exceeded his bounds both in treating you so rudely and then in overreacting to your objection. D'Argo was explaining to him that your concern is both understandable and unnecessary. The others will all back you up as needed. I believe his words were 'She should know we're all there for her, and you and Crais... she's been there for us enough times...'
Crichton, meanwhile, was confessing that he thought you were right in reacting to him as you did, and that he thought 'he needed a shake-up'.
So you see, if you have been so wrong, you have some excellent company. And you have your friends behind you."
He paused, and then gently tilted her... his own chin a bit so that she was gazing directly into his eyes. "Including me", he said.
Aeryn looked up, still not believing what he had just told her, "But Crais... I make so many mistakes. I am different from the others. They sometimes still see me as the Peacekeeper who came on board and stayed."
Crais' eyes were soft, "That is not always wrong, Aeryn. Sometimes we need to be strong in combat, whether this is in battle or a personal obstacle. Your Peacekeeper training gives you that edge. The others need that. They are not skilled in battle, you are."
Aeryn looked down, "I cannot relate to them at times."
Crais sighed, "That might never change, who knows, but they have accepted you as you are. Their words prove that. You are a friend, a comrade and a companion to them. They love you, each in their own way. Give them the chance to help you relate to them. You need them just as much as they need you."
Aeryn looked up again, "And you, Crais? You just said that you have fooled me as well. What do you need?"
Crais looked away, "I have chosen to be alone. To accept that makes it easier for me to survive."
This time it was Aeryn who made him look at her, "I have always thought that your strength came from being able to be on your own but you need companionship as much as all of us. I can see that now. Why do you deny that to yourself, Crais?"
"I have to Aeryn. They do not accept me as they do you and I cannot blame them, But you... You are different from me too." He smiled, "Better in some ways, I might add."
He grew serious again, "You said you wanted to experience my strength but what about yours? You had the strength to change. To become more than the Peacekeeper doctrine taught you. Your command lies in persuasion. You have the ability to make others feel comfortable and to make them laugh. Your leadership is different from mine."
"But you are always so calm, in perfect control..."
Crais smiled, "Am I, Aeryn? To me it is a necessity. It comes from cycles of being in control but is that what you would want? I have learned from you. I know you find that difficult to understand but seeing how you persuaded Talyn has taught me how to use persuasion. It is not always successful, and sometimes I slip up but I try. Do you always want to be in perfect control? It would not suit you, Aeryn. It would destroy you."
Aeryn considered for a moment what Crais had just revealed.
"Crais, you sound as though you think they cannot and should not accept you. Why do you think this? Why can't you blame them for that?"
"Aeryn, I imprisoned the Luxan although I was well aware that he had been falsely accused and convicted. Likewise, I held Rygel as a political prisoner for cycles; that is only the beginning of his legitimate grievance against me. I hounded Crichton although I knew in my heart from the beginning that he was no more responsible for my brother's death than the prowler he was flying or the asteroid his ship crashed into. I threatened to have you declared irreversibly contaminated and executed. I hunted you all unmercifully. I kidnapped Talyn under false pretenses. I will not even speak of my transgressions against Moya and her pilot. That they freely allow me on board is more than I deserve from either one."
Here he stopped.
"Crais, you are also the reason why we have survived. We all owe our lives to you. You helped us stay free of Scorpius. Crichton would have died at his hands without you. Both Moya and Talyn would either be dead or enslaved by Peacekeepers long ago... probably the former.
For that matter, you are the only reason that Peacekeepers have not begun enslaving or destroying the entire known galaxy.
If we hold you to account for some of your actions, we should also credit you with the others.
Is this how you punish yourself to atone for your misdeeds? And how long will you continue to do so?"
Crais looked away and stared into the distance. His voice became distant, soft, "My misdeeds are multiple, Aeryn. Yes, I do have hopes that someday others will forget what I have been, what I have done and will remember what good I have sought to do. But that is only hope, not reality. I would drive myself insane if I really expected that I could change people's beliefs of me or if I foolishly thought that hope could become reality."
Aeryn was silent. Crais was always so secretive about himself. This was a rare moment they were sharing and she had the feeling that it might be the only one Crais would allow himself to share with anyone.
He briefly looked back at her and then he stared at the floor between his hands, "Do you know that the worse torture is not physical? Or even mental horrors? The worse torture is Hope. You take that away from someone time and again and that person will be broken, however strong."
He looked back at her. His defences were up again, "I will not be broken."
It only lasted briefly; then he resumed staring ahead of himself, "I can not afford to. Talyn needs me."
Aeryn felt sad for Crais, "Talyn needs you. You always say that when you want to hide, Crais. He is your excuse to deny yourself a life. You tell me to accept the others as my friends because that is what they are. Yet, every time someone comes close to you, you become aloof, arrogant, immerse yourself in work. Isn't it time you reviewed your situation as well?"
Crais looked away. She pulled his face back. The sadness she saw on her own face made her bite her lip, "Crais the very concept of hope implies that what is hoped for may become reality. Otherwise, we are speaking not of hope, but delusion.
The longest journey begins with one single small step. And then it requires another. And another.
You tell me to listen to the words of the others, my friends, and to believe them. Perhaps you should, also. You tell me that D'Argo said that they were all there for me, and Crichton, and you. Those were your words. If I should believe the Luxan when he says they're here for John and for myself, why should you not believe him when he includes you in that list? Do you believe that he was just flattering you? Do you think he would bother?"
After the shortest of pauses, "How good at flattery do you think D'Argo is anyway?"
This brought an unwilling smile to "Aeryn's" face.
"Bialar, you tell me that I have changed. Yes, everyone changes... or dies. It's true. The others have never embraced you as they have me. However, they do not regard you as they once did, either... And you can be prickly as a volgarian bush to approach.
Perhaps a little more movement on both sides would be wise. Small steps, careful steps."
Aeryn caressed Crais'... her own, face. Briefly, but it was a caress. "I would not see you broken..."
So many emotions played over "Aeryn's" features at once, for a moment Crais was losing all the calm he was so famous, and infamous, for. He wanted to believe her words, drew a certain comfort from them. Yes, D'Argo had said they would be there for him too.
For a brief moment it looked as if he was going to give in, believe, but then his own self doubt returned, and the fear that all would once again be taken away from him. He drew a shuddering breath and stepped away from Aeryn, balling her smaller fists, "I can't, Aeryn, I am sorry." He all but fled from the room.
.
Part 17
.
"Crais" sat down again. She had tried and failed.
Crichton walked into the room, "What happened to Crais? He flew out of here like a bat out of hell." He saw how dejected Crais... Aeryn looked and walked over. He sat next to her and resisted the urge to lay his hand on... the shoulder. "Care to tell me what's wrong?"
When she looked up there were tears in the eyes, "I had never realised what a tormented man he is, John. I had always thought he was so strong but his loneliness..." Her voice trailed off.
"You know Captain Crunch. Hates socialising, hates jokes, hates to relax. Broody at the best of times. Always knows best, which, I admit, he has a knack of being. A bit difficult to make friends with. Not the type of guy you invite to a stag party. Guess he's all right."
Aeryn wondered how much to reveal of what she had learned. He had spoken to her in confidence, of that she was sure, but saying nothing would also stop her from trying to help him move forward.
She looked at John, "Do you still hate him? Distrust him?"
John looked at her, "What a strange question, Aeryn. You sure you're all right? Crais' body not getting to you?"
"Crais'" face grew calm and for a moment John wondered whether they had shifted positions again, but it was the light voice of Aeryn that asked him, "No, I mean it John. What do you think now in regards to Crais?"
He looked at her, "As I said, he can be quite broody at times, he wouldn't be Crais if he wasn't, and for a while I thought he... uhm... fancied you. I realise that is not so and I hate to admit it but he has saved our eemas countless times and hardly stuck around long enough for us to thank him. I think over the cycles I've come to see him more like an older brother. The kind who already has a girlfriend, drives a car, smokes and lives in a different place, while I am still covered with acne and wondering if the fuzz on my face will grow into a beard, eventually."
John smiled, "Yeah, come to think of it, I think that's how I see him. Comes home once in a while, raids the fridge and finds his younger siblings a bit of a nuisance but rubs shoulders with them because they're family."
Aeryn said, "You're right, John. We all need family of some kind, even if we have to make our own. Crais has had none since Tauvo's death.
We've made our own here, on Moya. You've called it a Jury Springer family, but it is a family.
Crais no longer has one, not even a Jury Springer one."
She hesitated, "Do you think Crais could ever find something like that with us?"
Crichton looked at Aeryn seriously, "If he let us, I think we could act as his family, but the closer we get the more distance he seems to put between us. Sometimes I have the feeling that he is afraid of us. Not as a physical threat, more like an emotional threat."
Aeryn thought *You are closer to the truth than you know, John.*
"Why can't he be like you? We all get along with you, as a matter of fact we wouldn't stick together like a family if it wasn't for you. We love you, Baby." Crichton grinned.
Aeryn blushed and Crichton laughed, "Now that's a sight I don't see everyday."
.
Part 18
.
Meanwhile, Crais had found his way to the Observation Deck. He was alone. The others were probably still in the galley.
He looked at the vast expanse of space. His hands were pressed against his back as was his wont, but his rigid stance made him aware that Aeryn's chest stood out. He sighed. He wanted his body back so he could once again connect to Talyn. He had missed the youngster.
He contemplated what had been said in the workout area and he knew Aeryn was right. And he was also aware that he had revealed more than he had meant to. At the time it had felt like a good idea. And then had followed his flight here, to the Observation Deck. He felt his calm slipping. Yes, Aeryn and he were sharing each other's bodies in mind and in voice but some things were an intrinsic part of the body. Crais could feel himself reacting to hormones. That's why he felt so many more, such different emotions.
He stepped closer to the big window and rested his head, Aeryn's head, against it. He needed to refocus.
"Contemplating your sins?" A voice spoke from the doorway.
Crais turned around and found Crichton standing just a short distance from him. He was experiencing a veritable cascade of emotions, one after the other, anxiety regarding exposing his emotional insecurities, despair over his predicament, chagrin that the Erper had managed to catch him unawares being only several of the most predominant ones.
Crichton recognized at least some of the thoughts and feelings that were racing through the Sebacean.
"Whoa, Crais, take it easy." He held up his hands in a shielding position in front of himself and backed up a step.
"Look, I just left Aeryn back at the hangar bay. She didn't want to get specific about the things you two have been talking about. She's obviously afraid of betraying your trust. I think she'd do just about anything not to lose your friendship.
But it's not so hard to figure a few things out.
Look, this is sorta hard to say, but I want to apologize for how I've been acting, both today and, well, in general."
He hesitated, smiled a bit foolishly, and continued, "You said before that this must be hard for me. Well, it has been... For me. For all of us.
You know, Crais, when you and Talyn left with Aeryn and the other me all that time ago -funny, but time flies- I almost went crazy thinking about how I was going to lose the woman who meant everything to me. She was "the one". And I was sure I was going to lose her, even though I wasn't sure whom I was going to lose her to. Might have been the other John, might have been you.
All I knew was that it was all over for me. There were times back then that I acted like an ass, and I guess I've sort of kept up the tradition.
There have been too many times that I haven't been fair to you. Especially after the Command Carrier. If I still had doubts...
Anyway, I know that I've been unfair to you at times. We all have.
But you know, you're not the most easygoing person around here either. You're not the easiest person to approach.
What I'm thinking is that you -you and Talyn both- have done enough for the rest of us over the last several years that we shouldn't let that matter.
You know, Aeryn is an integral part of our family, in some ways, she's almost our center, but she didn't blend in easily from the word "go" either. It took time, and work on everyone's part, but slowly we built up not only trust but affection too. We've all had baggage, and sometimes it wasn't so easy to put aside. It would have been everyone's loss if we hadn't. It would have been worth all of our lives..."
Crichton's little speech ground to a halt, and he stood there, hands now held out to Crais at his sides in an open, welcoming gesture.
Crais sighed, and for a moment Crichton thought that the stern Sebacean was just going to dismiss him, banish him from his mind. He saw the small gestures Crais made when he was lecturing them or tried to get his point across as if they were children. The pinching of the brow above the bridge of his nose, the one finger trailing his eyebrow as if to dissipate the beginnings of a headache... Crichton's heart fell.
Crais looked out of the window once before turning back to Crichton. *Here we go*, thought Crichton.
"Crichton..." Crais started (and Crichton really wanted to be somewhere else), "You have raised some valid points. (Crichton became alert) I am not one of the most... easygoing persons, (Crichton's mouth almost dropped open) and I realise that it doesn't help to bridge the gap between us. Aeryn did try to explain that me as well, and I ran away, didn't want to hear it."
He turned towards the window, his voice grown soft, "For cycles I have believed that I could stay on my own and that I didn't need anyone in my life. Talyn was, and always would be, enough. But in the last cycle, I have sought your company more, the company of all of you. I made myself believe that it was Talyn who needed to be with his mother. Something Aeryn said made me review that."
He turned back to Crichton, "Isn't it ironic that I have to be put into Aeryn's body to admit that to myself? Or to you?"
He looked down on Aeryn's hands; noticing a small tremor in them, "This body is so different from mine. It is not so easily controlled. It is so full of emotions, emotions which I find harder to suppress. It makes me WANT to review the situation."
He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, "I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. That I don't need any of you. That none of you will accept me. Yet in my heart, I know differently."
He turned away from Crichton and walked back to the window, his voice was almost like a whisper to himself, "I am afraid of what I am feeling right now."
Crichton had not heard his last remark and he stepped forwards, placed a hand on Crais' shoulder, Crais looked at it briefly but did not shy away, "Crais, I know you find this hard to believe or accept but you have a home here too. We know you want to be on your own from time to time. That you don't want our company all the time and we have come to accept that."
Crichton stepped next to Crais and looked out to space and he smiled, "Do you know that we look forward to your visits? We know you're not much of a talker but sometimes Pilot shares the adventures Talyn has told his mother with us and we sometimes envy you. You bring a calm to our little group with your presence. There is an excitement when we know you are coming."
Crais looked disbelievingly at Crichton, "Why?"
Crichton smile broadened, "Well, for one, the excitement, and the safety all rolled up into one. Don't usually get those two together on either side of the galaxy. Whenever you and Talyn show up, we never know what'll happen next, but we can usually depend on something spectacular. Sometimes you two appear like the cavalry just in the nick of time, and on a few occasions, we've sorta returned the favour. Remember those Plakavoids?"
Crais stared at the jhumon. "Plokavians, Crichton, Plokavians."
"Yeah, those buggers. That's what I said."
Crais mentally rolled his eyes.
"If we hadn't kept them occupied, you two would have been in seriously deep dren..."
"Yes, Crichton, you've told us that before."
"Well, its true. Usually you two are the ones pulling our mivonks out of the fire, but every once in a while, we get to turn the tables.
"Either way, you and Talyn are two of the very few things we can depend on out here. Whether it's breaking me out of Scorpy's clutches or saving the known universe, when the chips are down, somehow you and Talyn always seem to show up. None of us would be here without you, not even Talyn. We all know that. I think even Moya does. In fact, I'm sure of that."
Crichton got a little more serious. "Besides, its comforting when you're here. Not only is your information and opinion valuable to us. You usually present us a whole different side of the picture.
And it's comforting to get that other picture. Not just because it gives us a more rounded view of our situation. It's good to know that there's someone else out there who cares what happens to us.
Who else like that do we have?
You're like our big brother. If the big bully down the street comes around to mess with us, you and Talyn will fix his wagon, even if you give us a little grief first."
Crichton suddenly got very serious, "You two care about us. You're like our guardian angels."
A short pause... "From what Talyn says, we're not the only ones..."
Crais looked away, embarrassed. He didn't want to be reminded of the things he had done, good or bad. He knew what Crichton was referring to. If Talyn had been truly forthcoming in his stories, and then Pilot in turn too, than he knew.
Crais looked into space, "Talyn and I have been present to assist others at times."
Crichton turned him around. His face was very serious now, "Crais, how long are you going to punish yourself?"
Crais flinched when he heard the Jhumon repeat the same words Aeryn had used. He tried to break free but part of him didn't want to.
"How many more people are you and Talyn going to rescue before you think your debt is paid off? How many more times must you be injured before you are hurt enough?
Pilot has told us what you and Talyn did for the people of Taraghor. How many did you save that day? Or the countless others on planets spread all over the Uncharted Territories? When will it be enough for you, Crais, so that you can finally admit that you need people too?"
"Enough Crichton!" Crais shook his hand off his shoulder, "I had to do what I had to do then. I do not need their gratitude. Anyone would have done the same." But his eyes told Crichton differently.
"We never really showed you how much we appreciate you and Talyn. Part of you doesn't want, maybe isn't sure how, to be close to anyone. You are a complex man, Mon Capitan! Not easy to please either."
"Crichton I..."
"Yes, Crais? Another one of your excuses to push us away? You are only... Sebacean." Crichton had almost said "human", but that would be wrong to do, "You need company as much as any other."
Crais shook his head, "I don't need..."
"Dren, Crais. Then why do you visit us? Why do you rescue us?"
"Talyn..."
"No, not us. Not Talyn. How about you, Crais?" Crichton shook his head mentally. This man had a thick skull sometimes. He contemplated giving him a concussion and brainwashing him.