Part 19
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Crais sat down heavily on the floor, all fight taken out of him. What was wrong with him? He wanted to flee, run away from Crichton, but he also wanted to stay. He felt emotional. Anger, hurt, shyness, embarrassment, loneliness. He could normally control his feelings well but now... he was feeling overwhelmed.
Crichton sat down parallel to him, just a few feet away, an arms length away. He drew his arms up around his knees, "Hey, Bialar, ya know what?"
He waited a moment for an answer. Didn't get one. "Anyone wouldn't have done the same. Even back home, on my pitiful little waste hole of a planet, where we're all so soft, anyone wouldn't have just done the same.
A lotta people wouldn't have done the same. Maybe most people, even most good people.
We worry sometimes when you're gone, and time marches on, and there's no word. So far, you and Talyn have reappeared each time, eventually.
Maybe some day you won't. Everyone's luck runs out sometime or other. Someday we're just going to keep waiting and waiting. If that happens, we'll never stop waiting.
That doesn't mean you're wrong to do what you've done. There are a lot of people out there who thank their lucky stars for you and Talyn. A lot of people who wouldn't be thanking anyone or anything otherwise."
Crichton snorted, "I wonder how many of them are aware that they have a renegade ex-Peacekeeper captain to thank for their lives."
Still no answer.
"So, Crais, what don't you need?
Crais finally lifted his head and looked Crichton in the eyes. Crichton had never seen so much anguish on Aeryn's face as he saw now.
"I don't need..." Crais started, then dropped his eyes again. It was obvious that he was wrestling with different emotions and not doing a good job of it. An assortment of emotions were now plainly visible on "Aeryn's" visage.
The urge to run was still quite strong but he wasn't sure if his legs... Aeryn's legs were steady enough not to make a fool of himself.
When he looked up again, he had regained a modicum of control, "You are right, Crichton, it is not only Talyn who wants to see his mother, although that plays a strong part in it. I need to know if you and the others are all right too. Talyn scans regularly for Moya and that's why we are able to come to you when you need us. Talyn's ability to do long StarBursts is amazing. You know he..." Crais stopped himself.
He looked down at the floor again and he said softly, "We miss your company too, we worry about you as well. First I made myself believe it was to keep you from the Peacekeepers, to make Aeryn happy. But that is not completely true.
When we get here and know that you are all safe, that's enough for us and it makes the long time on our own bearable again."
Crichton had noticed Crais speaking in the plural, "Why do you say "we" instead of "I", Crais?"
Crais looked up; he had not been aware that he was doing that, "Talyn and I are linked more than you know, Crichton. When I say "we", I mean "we". These last arns without him in my mind have been... lonely. He is rarely out of my mind for long." How could he explain to Crichton that the longer he was separated from Talyn, the lonelier he felt? It was a frightening feeling.
Crais got up and started pacing back and forth. Stopping in front of the observation window with his hands again clasped behind his back, he said to Crichton after a few moments, "I am Talyn's Pilot." Crichton began to interrupt, but Crais continued, "More than you know, Crichton, I am his Pilot. That is not a complaint, merely an observation, a statement of fact.
We are not joined physically with cables and tubing as Moya and her pilot are joined. There is no need for that. Our mental connections have strengthened arn by arn from the first instant that our neural implant was installed.
I planned better, and worse, than I knew, when I designed the Leviathan/warship project."
Crais laughed, but there was little humour evident, "Do not mistake me. Talyn is like a brother and a son to me. He is my best friend, my confidant, my rock. He is an extension of myself. We are extensions of each other. I would not have things as they once were."
He stopped again. Crichton watched the succession of expressions flitting across his... Aeryn's... face and was able to guess that he was mentally reviewing his past. His unexpectedly (at least to anyone else but him) exalted status as a Peacekeeper Captain. His relationship with Tauvo, whom he had managed to somehow keep in regular contact with through the cycles. How could he say that? And yet he had, and he showed no signs of taking it back.
"Crichton, you taught me an Erp expression once, remember? 'Hoist by your own petard'
My relationship with Talyn is more than I could ever have hoped for," he laughed mirthlessly again, "more than I ever planned, I promise you. That sounds as though it were a complaint. It isn't. Given the choice, I would never undo what I wrought in bringing Talyn into existence. But I do not think our kind -my kind- was meant to live like this..."
Crichton looked at Crais sharply. Had he heard right?
Crais had read his expression and his mouth curved into a wan smile, "On the positive side, I have a friend who is closer than my own shadow. The wonders I have seen through Talyn, the experience of seeing and hearing space through him are indescribable. Did you know that planets sing? That the whole of space is full of lights and sounds? The beauty of it..."
Crichton was silent; he didn't want to break the reflective mood of Crais.
Crais resumed pacing again, "I have been able to review my past and my future through Talyn. Something I thought I would never do. The good and the bad. We have been able to grow together. He was teaching me at the same time that I was teaching him."
Crais closed his eyes for the moment to gather his thoughts, "As Peacekeepers, we are not brought up to believe in raising a family, yet our Sebacean heritage is strongly rooted in family ties. I have always known that the instinct was there, I had some experience with it before I was conscripted. Through Talyn, I have been able to experience it again."
His voice grew soft, "On the downside..." he could not continue for a few microts and pinched the bridge of Aeryn's nose, more out of habit than a real headache.
He resumed, "On the downside, it is a lonely existence. I have Talyn, or Talyn has me, depending on how you wish to look at it. But I have no one to interact with, no other biped to interact with. Only Talyn in my mind. The corridors on board Talyn are empty. The only sounds other than his "ship" sounds are my footsteps, or my own voice when I speak aloud to Talyn."
"Then why not leave more often? Visit us, go planetside, see... people," Crichton asked.
Crais had not heard him, "Yet, when I am not linked to him, I am more lonely than ever. As if part of me is ripped away."
Crais looked out of the observation window, "I am by nature a solitary person. I was like that even while I was still a Peacekeeper. You would call me unsociable. But the existence I am leading now is more than that."
Crais turned to Crichton, a deep sense of grief and emptiness, of *need*, written across Aeryn's features.
Crichton stood up and made as if to close the remaining few feet between Crais and himself. He was so profoundly touched by the depth of emotions Crais was sharing with him and an openness that he would never expected the Sebacean to have exhibited, especially to him, that he no longer focused on his discomfort at physical proximity to the other.
Crais was feeling tense. A hot flush had reached his... Aeryn's face. The emotions were playing havoc with his thinking. He wanted to cry, to be held, he wanted to scream, to run and hide.
What was happening to him? He'd had full control over this body this morning, yet now it felt as if Aeryn's body was controlling him. He rubbed his... Aeryn's face with his hands.
He looked at his hands, Aeryn's hands, large, capable but still quite delicate hands, and saw a small tremor in them. "Control!" he thought to himself, "Calm down!" Slowly he could feel how his mind was regaining control again.
Crichton had watched his inner struggle, could almost see the order of emotions flitting over Aeryn's face. He knew them well but it was strange to watch Crais experience them.
He stepped forward and touched Crais. When Aeryn's face looked up, he saw the confusion written in the dark eyes so near him.
"Crichton, I apologise for this show of weakness. This display is unacceptable. Both my fate and Talyn's depend on my control of the situation; if I do not master my weaker impulses, then I endanger us both. Talyn gives me so much. It is more than enough."
Crais looked away, "Apparently, this consciousness-switching has affected me as deeply as it has Officer Sun. She also is not herself." He laughed somewhat uncertainly.
Crichton could hear fragments of a song running through his head, an old Peter Gabriel tune about wanting, no, *needing* contact.
He heard himself say, "Crais, it's alright. We all need other people. Not only their intellectual company, not just the emotional connection, but a physical one too. How long have you sequestered yourself onboard Talyn now?
How often have you allowed yourself to take a break? And just what do you do on your summer vacations?
You say that you and Talyn are linked so closely. Does he understand your need to be with your own kind? What does he have to say about this?
For that matter, isn't it about time he started dating? Hasn't he run into any pretty little Leviathanettes yet?"
Crichton tried to smile as he was saying this, but he was becoming alarmed.
Crais looked away, "I have been on Talyn a long time. I only meet others of my kind when I visit planets to re-supply or when we meet up with you and Moya. It... it is enough for me."
"Like dren it is," interjected Crichton.
Crais ignored his statement, "Talyn understands my need to see and speak to others of my kind and has encouraged me to go down to planets more often, but I never feel quite... right among them."
"Aeryn" blushed, "Once, when we were deep in the Uncharteds, where only the remotest of Sebacean colonies are, he... ahem... changed the environmentals to drive me off of him. He told me not to come back until I... ah... had recreated to ease my tension. He stayed silent to me for a whole weeken. It was most disconcerting, but he was right."
"As to other Leviathans of the female persuasion," he looked down, "they come up to him, because he is a good looking male Leviathan." The pride in Crais' voice was unmistakable. "But when they find out he is also a gunship, they shun him. I feel... sorry for him. And that's why I am reluctant to leave him on his own for too long. He needs company too."
Crais fell silent.
Crichton thought about this for a moment, "Crais, Talyn 'encouraged' you to take shore leave once? For a whole weeken? And you admit you enjoyed it but you haven't done that since?
Don't you think that just maybe if it worked once, it might be a good idea for you to try that again? All work and no play makes the Captain...um, never mind.
For that matter, you know, you're welcome here on Moya anytime. We might not be as much fun, both Aeryn and Chiana are spoken for." He couldn't stop a grin from spreading across his face as he realized that Aeryn truly was spoken for, and had spoken up herself long ago regarding her preference.
"Nevertheless, Uncle Bialar's welcome here anytime."
He waited for a moment for a response, but Crais still seemed to be trying to collect himself.
"Crais, what about Talyn? You say that he's been striking out with the babes. That's always awkward, especially in the beginning, but do you think that you're being onboard has anything to do with that? Do you think that having dad around is hampering his style? Is he even more of a wallflower than he would be otherwise because he's conducting his social life under your watchful gaze?
What do you think would be best for Talyn? I know you mean well for him, but how much of this is what you think would be best for you, and how much of this is really what would be best for him?"
Crais looked up. If anything could get his attention it was the well being of Talyn. It had taken the crew on Moya a long time to realise that Crais only had good intentions towards Talyn, that he saw the youngster as his son. That his concern for Talyn was not faked. The link and the bond between the two had only strengthened over the cycles.
It was obvious that Crais had never looked at it from that angle. His voice was soft, "I could have been the one blocking his happiness?" He looked out of the view port and looked over at Talyn. Guilt was written on Aeryn's features.
"Maybe you are right, Crichton, maybe I should let him go off on his own for a while and see if that is what the problem is. I do not want to be the cause of his unhappiness. I will discuss this with him when we are linked again." The loneliness on Aeryn's face only deepened.
Crichton walked over to him and laid a hand on Aeryn's shoulder, Crais did not pull back. "Crais, I am not saying that it definitely is the cause only that it could be the cause. You don't have to be on your own. You can stay with us. Talyn knows how to find his mother and he knows how to stay out of trouble, thanks to you.
Talyn is unique in that he doesn't need a Pilot to control him. You taught him how to think independently. He'll be able to defend himself, find himself a nice Leviathanette to spend a little time together and before you know it, he'll be back," Crichton squeezed the shoulder he was holding. He felt the shoulder sag under his hand.
Crais looked him in the eyes, his expression unreadable, "You are right, Crichton. He doesn't really need a Pilot. He doesn't really need me. Will he come to realise that too?" There was a twinge of fear in his voice.
Crichton realised what he had just said to Crais, "Crais, you have to trust Talyn, that he will come back to you. I know it will be hard to let go for a little while, but you have to trust him!"
Crais nodded and turned back to the view port, his eyes fixed on Talyn. A myriad of thoughts tumbled through his mind. Maybe Crichton was right and he should let go for a while, but the fear that Talyn would be hurt or, worse, that he wouldn't return to him, gnawed at his insides.
Crichton was appalled at the sudden turn that the conversation had taken. For once, he had actually been trying to be as helpful as possible, and look what he had done!
"Crais, we know how deeply you care about Talyn, and we know that he cares about you too. You've both demonstrated that often enough.
Talyn once attacked his own mother to get you back.
He turned himself in to the Peacekeepers to be mind wiped when you told him it was what he had to do.
And the Command Carrier... he was willing to die because you asked him to.
The things you two have done since then... he put himself in danger then too.
You shouldn't doubt him now. He has shown often enough that he not only cares about you, but that he trusts you. Trust him, Bialar."
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Part 20
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Aeryn Sun entered the Observation Deck just in time to hear the end of this conversation. She saw her body facing out toward the vastness of space, saying nothing. But "her" body language was eloquent enough. She had never slumped so dejectedly in her worst moments, much less seen Crais look so beaten. Even when she had found him in the Chair cycles ago, there had still been fight left in him, as badly battered and worn down as he had been.
"What's going on? Crais, are you alright?"
She looked at Crichton, then went to the Sebacean. Gently she cupped her... his shoulder with her palm, and slowly turned him toward her. "What's the matter, Crais?"
She looked worriedly at Crichton for an explanation.
Crichton wanted desperately to put things right. Wounding Crais -something he had rarely if ever even thought possible- had been the furthest thing from his mind, "Aeryn, we were talking about things, and we started discussing Talyn and his... social shortcomings. I suggested that maybe having Crais on board complicates things.
I never meant to suggest that Crais and Talyn don't belong together. I don't doubt that those two always will be like the Lone Ranger and his trusty Indian sidekick, Tonto. Well, apparently, I hit a nerve..."
Aeryn let her one hand rest on the back of "her" neck, slowly raising "her" chin with the other, so that Crais and she gazed directly into each other's eyes.
"Crais, in this instance, Crichton is right. You have to trust Talyn to come back to you. He trusts you to come back to him and he even chose you over his mother once. Now, trust him to come back to you."
Crais' brows pinched together as he looked into Aeryn's eyes and studied his own face. Why couldn't he feel the same calm he saw now on his own features? He lowered his eyes, "I know, Aeryn, and I will discuss it with him once we are linked again. I will let him go and find himself another Leviathan to be happy with. I know he will come back."
He tried to convince himself that the doubt he felt growing was totally misplaced. He had to convince himself or else Talyn would feel the doubt too and might stay and not even try to find another Leviathan, and then the doubts would start in Talyn's mind.
He looked up at them. His face was calm again, "I will let him go on his own way for a while."
He smiled wanly, "Does that offer still stand to take up quarters here for the time being?"
Crichton was relieved that this crisis appeared to have been headed off.
He placed a hand on the middle of "Aeryn's " back. "Of course it does. What would we do without our 2nd-favorite ex-Peacekeeper? It's not like there's any danger of there being no room at the inn. The 'vacancy' sign's always out on Moya." (He giggled mentally at the thought--that would sure explain a lot of their problems over the last 5 cycles.)
"Crais, none of us would be here without you, and we know it. You'll always have a home here with us. Not that I expect you'll need it for all that long. I can't imagine what we could do to keep you and Talyn separated for very long even if we wanted to. Just leave him alone, and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him."
Aeryn gave the jhumon one of those looks.
"Talyn doesn't wag his... Jhumon joke again." Crais dropped his eyes briefly, "Thank you, Crichton."
Crichton was taken aback for a short moment. Crais saying "Thank you"? Miracles were still possible then, "Hey, it's all right, Cap'n Crunch. No need to thank me. What are friends for, eh?"
Crais straightened Aeryn's back, "No, there is no need, I know, but I want to thank you nonetheless and not just for offering me a place here on board Moya, but also for suggesting a solution for Talyn."
He looked out of the view port at Talyn, "We have been so closely linked together that we couldn't see anymore what was wrong. Your suggestion might help Talyn."
He looked back at Aeryn, "Your decision to trade places for a short while might have its benefits after all. If it works out, I will have a happier friend." His voice grew softer, "And might even reacquaint myself with... old friends. Friends whom I did not realise I had."
Aeryn looked strangely at Crais. Their body swap had made him open up more than he had to any of them, apart from Talyn, for many cycles. A smile started to spread on "Crais'" face, "Our body swap has had its benefits for me too, Crais. I had never realised what my body was capable of, pushing it to the limits. I am calmer, feel calmer. Also I feel more self-assured, and I like it. I think that in the future, I may be less inclined to assume that I am the one who is in the wrong or needs to change.
Once upon a time, I presumed that of course I was the one who was correct, but the last few cycles, I have doubted myself more and more. It appears that neither extreme is desirable. I can only hope that this is a permanent effect."
She paused, then asked, "Crais, I know little about Leviathan mating practices. Moya has not been approached by a male, or, for that matter, tried to attract one herself, at least as far as we know, since she first escaped.
You say that Talyn has been approached by females, but that after a short time, they withdrew from him? Do you know what to expect from Leviathans in the wild?"
Crais looked embarrassed, or rather, Aeryn's face was blushing, "Talyn has been approached by female Leviathans and also has approached one or two females on occasion. They like him... very much. I have always tried to keep privacy mode on when that happens. They do come close to Talyn, but after a little while, they always seem to leave."
He looked out the view port, "It leaves Talyn confused. I have tried to explain to him the... uhm... workings of procreation and he seems to understand that but he is confused on how to proceed. There isn't much more that I can tell him. I don't know what is expected of him."
"Aww," said Crichton, "Father Crais is trying to explain about the birds and the bees and the Leviathans, how sweet."
Crais frowned, "I don't see what birds and beez have anything to do with Leviathans?"
Crichton smiled, "No, you explaining to him about reproduction. Now that is something out of a horror flick."
Crais had no idea what Crichton was talking about, "Crichton, I don't understand..."
"Ah, that's the whole point. You don't know anything about children and adolescents. Maybe that's why Talyn is confused."
Crais looked shocked...
Aeryn was not amused by this sudden change in Crichton's tone.
"John, what do any of us know of raising children? Is there something that I should know about your past life on Erp?
We have all been children ourselves, and we have all passed through adolescence, apparently some more recently than others. That doesn't seem to be much of a help.
Crais, you headed the Leviathan modification project. Surely you have knowledge of the ways of wild Leviathans?"
She looked at him, and suddenly realised how foolish an assumption that was. She had been a Peacekeeper.
"Pilot..."
~Yes, Officer Sun...~
"Could you ask Moya to talk to Talyn about the ways of Leviathans? How they find mates and how they recreate and propagate? It seems that we have a confused youngster on our hands and I have the feeling that the subject has not been brought up before between mother and child, but Talyn needs to know."
Crais looked ashamed. He should have brought the matter up when Talyn started to ask him questions. It had never occurred to him to ask Moya directly for assistance. He had always assumed that at some time Talyn and Moya would discuss it together.
Crichton turned to Crais and watched the mixed emotions flit over Aeryn's face, "That one of the things wrong with Peacekeepers. They don't have family ties and therefore have no idea that adolescents go through a period of finding themselves. You couldn't know, Crais, it wasn't your fault."
"I should have foreseen it," Crais felt uncomfortable.
"Crais, you are brilliant in many ways but you are not omniscient. How could you know about things you have never experienced yourself? As a matter of fact, I am quite impressed how you have managed to raise Talyn without knowing anything about raising children. When you boarded Talyn, he was still a child, a baby really."
"Not all is..." Crais started to say...
"Crais, there never was a perfect parent, or perfect child, either. It would be a mighty boring galaxy if we were all perfect. Our differences make us unique. Talyn just happens to be a little more unique than others," Crichton shrugged his shoulders.
Aeryn addressed Crichton again.
"Once, when you thought that I was carrying your child, you were willing to trust me even though I was born and raised in a Peacekeeper crèche.
Crais at last spent his early years growing up with a real family--parents, a brother, in a Sebacean colony. He has much more experience than I do regarding what you must consider a "normal" lifestyle."
She turned to Crais.
"I am certain that Pilot would be willing to share what knowledge he has of Leviathan biology. He may not have direct knowledge, but I believe that his kind study Leviathans from their earliest years in the hope of someday being chosen to be joined with one. Surely he can tell you what you need to know about the subject.
"Shall we visit him tomorrow and ask him to speak with us about this?"
Crais just nodded and then looked at Aeryn, then glanced quickly at Crichton. He looked back at Aeryn. There was clearly something on his mind that he wanted to ask her, buthe obviously didn't want to have Crichton around for it.
Aeryn rocked on Crais' feet, coughed lightly, and looked at Crichton. Crichton looked back at her and didn't get the hint immediately (or chose not to understand).
Crais looked away and walked over to the window, staring outside.
The frown Aeryn produced on Crais' face was almost comical. She raised the brow that Crais normally didn't, and made Crais' eyes appear bigger than they were. This also had the effect of producing a strange wrinkle above the nose. Crichton smirked, trying to keep himself from laughing. When "Crais" motioned with his head to get him to leave andthen flared "his" nostrils, he made a hasty retreat lest he burst out laughing.
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Part 21
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Aeryn turned back to Crais, "You wanted to speak to me in private, Crais?"
As Crais turned back to Aeryn, she could see how he was trying to keep her face under control, "How are you dealing with these conflicting feelings, Aeryn?"
"Conflicting feelings?" Aeryn wasn't even aware she ever had them, well not a lot anyway.
Crais took a deep breath, "Your body reacts strangely to certain remarks. I can logically follow the train of thought, but your body seems to react differently to what I am feeling. At one point it... (Crais was clearly embarrassed) I... even wanted to run, to get away from it."
Crais turned towards the window so he wouldn't show his embarrassment to her, "When Crichton was mentioning children... ahem... your body became all... ah... warm and... uhm... flustered. When he said that there would always be a place here on Moya, I... (cough) had to resist an urge to.. (cough-cough) uhm... hug him."
He turned back to Aeryn, "Does your body always react in a contradictory way to what you are thinking?"
Aeryn was confused.
"Crais, why do you assume that my body's physical reactions are not in agreement with my thoughts?
When Crichton thought I was carrying his child, he truly welcomed the prospect. More than that, even. He was ecstatic.
We still hope that someday that will come to pass, and when it does, I will be as happy as he will.
Crichton has told me a number of times that he believes I have a natural gift with children. I am not so sure, but if we survive long enough, we both intend to find out.
As for your impulse to hug Crichton, perhaps that is more a matter of being used to hiding or disguising your feelings than it is a conflict between what you feel and how this body feels an instinct to react.
We have all been under a great deal of strain, and that is my fault. I apologise; I never foresaw the complications that have arisen and the day isn't even over yet.
I certainly never thought that you would find yourself facing this situation with Talyn. I can't imagine how distressed you must feel about being separated from him, even apart from finding yourself having to ask for "sanctuary" here with us, although that isn't really a very accurate assessment of your position this time round.
I still remember the first time you came onboard Moya seeking refuge."
Crais' face got a very wry look.
"You probably haven't forgotten that either. But your situation is very different this time. Crais, we all know you aren't the enemy anymore, even if you and Crichton still get prickly around each other even when you both have the best intentions.
Besides, even from the short time that I was connected to Talyn, I know how he feels about you. I can't imagine him being separated from you willingly except for a very short and limited time. How can you possible doubt him?"
Crais sighed wearily, "You are right, Aeryn. I am so used to being in control and knowing how to control my own body and emotions that it confuses me that I cannot control your body, at least not to the extent that I do my own."
He took another deep breath, "Maybe it is myself I doubt, and not Talyn. We have become very close over the cycles but I still have the feeling that I (he looked away) have failed him to some extent. He is a good... Leviathan, a good friend. I don't see him as just a ship, he's more. The thought, even if it might not be warranted, that he might want a real Pilot or won't return until many cycles have passed, keeps haunting me. It shouldn't, I know."
He looked back at her and showed a thin smile, "Yes, I do remember the first time I asked for sanctuary and that no one was really willing to grant me that. Which, under the circumstances, was not surprising. After Talyn and I left and we occasionally returned, the others were never happy to see me and only tolerated my presence because of Talyn. It is not easy to shake the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Maybe I have closed my eyes to the warmer welcomes lately."
He walked over to her and laid the small hand of Aeryn on his own shoulder, Aeryn's face was calm again, "We shouldn't be too morose. We should learn and enjoy from this experience. After we have switched back to our own bodies, I will have a talk with Pilot and then with Talyn. If he agrees, then I will gladly accept your offer to stay here."
Aeryn looked into her own smiling face and saw that the smile reached his eyes. She leaned over, brushed his cheek lightly with "her" lips, and whispered into his ear, "Thank you, Crais."
She paused just a moment, "Your friendship means more to me than I can say. I do care about you, just not in the same way that I care for John. Neither of you could replace the other."
A warm smile graced Crais' countenance, and their eyes met. "Aeryn's" hand slid up to the back of "Crais'" head, and "she" touched "her" forehead to "his". They leaned against each other for a moment, each taking comfort and finding strength in the other.
They both sighed nearly in unison, which provoked a bit of a laugh from each of them.
Crais gazed again into his own eyes, and decided that he did not wish to tread any further onto such dangerous ground.
"Aeryn, I am the one who should be thanking you. It's fortunate that you misunderstood the priest, or that he miss-stated the proposition in the way he did. I never would have agreed to this experiment, certainly not unless our lives hung in the balance, and we never would have had this experience. It appears that we all may benefit from it. Let us hope so, anyway."
"Then let us agree that it appears to be working to our mutual benefit, and that neither of us owes the other."
Crais thought for a moment, and then met Aeryn's gaze again. "It has been difficult just being separated from Talyn for these few arns. How will I manage over the weeks, monens, that he is gone? What if he leaves for cycles? What if he never comes back?"
A haunted look came to his eyes, and he looked away...
Aeryn felt great sorrow for Crais. The self-doubt the man harboured was almost too painful to watch. She placed a hand on his cheek gently and made him look at her, "Crais, don't do this to yourself. You have to believe that he will come back as I am sure he will do. Doubting yourself and him will only lead to disaster."
The eyes that looked at her were filled with loneliness.
"You have given each other so much over the cycles and not just only an education in return for a place to live. You have given each other companionship and unconditional love. Not the love between two lovers, but the love between a father and a son. Please, you have to believe in him... and in yourself."
Crais looked down. She was right. He shouldn't doubt Talyn. Before this experience, he never had doubted him; he had always known that he would be there. But being separated from Talyn, not feeling his thoughts in his mind, not feeling his presence, suddenly made Crais realise just how quiet his mind was, and how lonely.
He looked up and said softly, "I will try."
Aeryn smiled back to him. She caressed him with her eyes.
"Good. Because *I* don't doubt either of you."
.
Crais sat down heavily on the floor, all fight taken out of him. What was wrong with him? He wanted to flee, run away from Crichton, but he also wanted to stay. He felt emotional. Anger, hurt, shyness, embarrassment, loneliness. He could normally control his feelings well but now... he was feeling overwhelmed.
Crichton sat down parallel to him, just a few feet away, an arms length away. He drew his arms up around his knees, "Hey, Bialar, ya know what?"
He waited a moment for an answer. Didn't get one. "Anyone wouldn't have done the same. Even back home, on my pitiful little waste hole of a planet, where we're all so soft, anyone wouldn't have just done the same.
A lotta people wouldn't have done the same. Maybe most people, even most good people.
We worry sometimes when you're gone, and time marches on, and there's no word. So far, you and Talyn have reappeared each time, eventually.
Maybe some day you won't. Everyone's luck runs out sometime or other. Someday we're just going to keep waiting and waiting. If that happens, we'll never stop waiting.
That doesn't mean you're wrong to do what you've done. There are a lot of people out there who thank their lucky stars for you and Talyn. A lot of people who wouldn't be thanking anyone or anything otherwise."
Crichton snorted, "I wonder how many of them are aware that they have a renegade ex-Peacekeeper captain to thank for their lives."
Still no answer.
"So, Crais, what don't you need?
Crais finally lifted his head and looked Crichton in the eyes. Crichton had never seen so much anguish on Aeryn's face as he saw now.
"I don't need..." Crais started, then dropped his eyes again. It was obvious that he was wrestling with different emotions and not doing a good job of it. An assortment of emotions were now plainly visible on "Aeryn's" visage.
The urge to run was still quite strong but he wasn't sure if his legs... Aeryn's legs were steady enough not to make a fool of himself.
When he looked up again, he had regained a modicum of control, "You are right, Crichton, it is not only Talyn who wants to see his mother, although that plays a strong part in it. I need to know if you and the others are all right too. Talyn scans regularly for Moya and that's why we are able to come to you when you need us. Talyn's ability to do long StarBursts is amazing. You know he..." Crais stopped himself.
He looked down at the floor again and he said softly, "We miss your company too, we worry about you as well. First I made myself believe it was to keep you from the Peacekeepers, to make Aeryn happy. But that is not completely true.
When we get here and know that you are all safe, that's enough for us and it makes the long time on our own bearable again."
Crichton had noticed Crais speaking in the plural, "Why do you say "we" instead of "I", Crais?"
Crais looked up; he had not been aware that he was doing that, "Talyn and I are linked more than you know, Crichton. When I say "we", I mean "we". These last arns without him in my mind have been... lonely. He is rarely out of my mind for long." How could he explain to Crichton that the longer he was separated from Talyn, the lonelier he felt? It was a frightening feeling.
Crais got up and started pacing back and forth. Stopping in front of the observation window with his hands again clasped behind his back, he said to Crichton after a few moments, "I am Talyn's Pilot." Crichton began to interrupt, but Crais continued, "More than you know, Crichton, I am his Pilot. That is not a complaint, merely an observation, a statement of fact.
We are not joined physically with cables and tubing as Moya and her pilot are joined. There is no need for that. Our mental connections have strengthened arn by arn from the first instant that our neural implant was installed.
I planned better, and worse, than I knew, when I designed the Leviathan/warship project."
Crais laughed, but there was little humour evident, "Do not mistake me. Talyn is like a brother and a son to me. He is my best friend, my confidant, my rock. He is an extension of myself. We are extensions of each other. I would not have things as they once were."
He stopped again. Crichton watched the succession of expressions flitting across his... Aeryn's... face and was able to guess that he was mentally reviewing his past. His unexpectedly (at least to anyone else but him) exalted status as a Peacekeeper Captain. His relationship with Tauvo, whom he had managed to somehow keep in regular contact with through the cycles. How could he say that? And yet he had, and he showed no signs of taking it back.
"Crichton, you taught me an Erp expression once, remember? 'Hoist by your own petard'
My relationship with Talyn is more than I could ever have hoped for," he laughed mirthlessly again, "more than I ever planned, I promise you. That sounds as though it were a complaint. It isn't. Given the choice, I would never undo what I wrought in bringing Talyn into existence. But I do not think our kind -my kind- was meant to live like this..."
Crichton looked at Crais sharply. Had he heard right?
Crais had read his expression and his mouth curved into a wan smile, "On the positive side, I have a friend who is closer than my own shadow. The wonders I have seen through Talyn, the experience of seeing and hearing space through him are indescribable. Did you know that planets sing? That the whole of space is full of lights and sounds? The beauty of it..."
Crichton was silent; he didn't want to break the reflective mood of Crais.
Crais resumed pacing again, "I have been able to review my past and my future through Talyn. Something I thought I would never do. The good and the bad. We have been able to grow together. He was teaching me at the same time that I was teaching him."
Crais closed his eyes for the moment to gather his thoughts, "As Peacekeepers, we are not brought up to believe in raising a family, yet our Sebacean heritage is strongly rooted in family ties. I have always known that the instinct was there, I had some experience with it before I was conscripted. Through Talyn, I have been able to experience it again."
His voice grew soft, "On the downside..." he could not continue for a few microts and pinched the bridge of Aeryn's nose, more out of habit than a real headache.
He resumed, "On the downside, it is a lonely existence. I have Talyn, or Talyn has me, depending on how you wish to look at it. But I have no one to interact with, no other biped to interact with. Only Talyn in my mind. The corridors on board Talyn are empty. The only sounds other than his "ship" sounds are my footsteps, or my own voice when I speak aloud to Talyn."
"Then why not leave more often? Visit us, go planetside, see... people," Crichton asked.
Crais had not heard him, "Yet, when I am not linked to him, I am more lonely than ever. As if part of me is ripped away."
Crais looked out of the observation window, "I am by nature a solitary person. I was like that even while I was still a Peacekeeper. You would call me unsociable. But the existence I am leading now is more than that."
Crais turned to Crichton, a deep sense of grief and emptiness, of *need*, written across Aeryn's features.
Crichton stood up and made as if to close the remaining few feet between Crais and himself. He was so profoundly touched by the depth of emotions Crais was sharing with him and an openness that he would never expected the Sebacean to have exhibited, especially to him, that he no longer focused on his discomfort at physical proximity to the other.
Crais was feeling tense. A hot flush had reached his... Aeryn's face. The emotions were playing havoc with his thinking. He wanted to cry, to be held, he wanted to scream, to run and hide.
What was happening to him? He'd had full control over this body this morning, yet now it felt as if Aeryn's body was controlling him. He rubbed his... Aeryn's face with his hands.
He looked at his hands, Aeryn's hands, large, capable but still quite delicate hands, and saw a small tremor in them. "Control!" he thought to himself, "Calm down!" Slowly he could feel how his mind was regaining control again.
Crichton had watched his inner struggle, could almost see the order of emotions flitting over Aeryn's face. He knew them well but it was strange to watch Crais experience them.
He stepped forward and touched Crais. When Aeryn's face looked up, he saw the confusion written in the dark eyes so near him.
"Crichton, I apologise for this show of weakness. This display is unacceptable. Both my fate and Talyn's depend on my control of the situation; if I do not master my weaker impulses, then I endanger us both. Talyn gives me so much. It is more than enough."
Crais looked away, "Apparently, this consciousness-switching has affected me as deeply as it has Officer Sun. She also is not herself." He laughed somewhat uncertainly.
Crichton could hear fragments of a song running through his head, an old Peter Gabriel tune about wanting, no, *needing* contact.
He heard himself say, "Crais, it's alright. We all need other people. Not only their intellectual company, not just the emotional connection, but a physical one too. How long have you sequestered yourself onboard Talyn now?
How often have you allowed yourself to take a break? And just what do you do on your summer vacations?
You say that you and Talyn are linked so closely. Does he understand your need to be with your own kind? What does he have to say about this?
For that matter, isn't it about time he started dating? Hasn't he run into any pretty little Leviathanettes yet?"
Crichton tried to smile as he was saying this, but he was becoming alarmed.
Crais looked away, "I have been on Talyn a long time. I only meet others of my kind when I visit planets to re-supply or when we meet up with you and Moya. It... it is enough for me."
"Like dren it is," interjected Crichton.
Crais ignored his statement, "Talyn understands my need to see and speak to others of my kind and has encouraged me to go down to planets more often, but I never feel quite... right among them."
"Aeryn" blushed, "Once, when we were deep in the Uncharteds, where only the remotest of Sebacean colonies are, he... ahem... changed the environmentals to drive me off of him. He told me not to come back until I... ah... had recreated to ease my tension. He stayed silent to me for a whole weeken. It was most disconcerting, but he was right."
"As to other Leviathans of the female persuasion," he looked down, "they come up to him, because he is a good looking male Leviathan." The pride in Crais' voice was unmistakable. "But when they find out he is also a gunship, they shun him. I feel... sorry for him. And that's why I am reluctant to leave him on his own for too long. He needs company too."
Crais fell silent.
Crichton thought about this for a moment, "Crais, Talyn 'encouraged' you to take shore leave once? For a whole weeken? And you admit you enjoyed it but you haven't done that since?
Don't you think that just maybe if it worked once, it might be a good idea for you to try that again? All work and no play makes the Captain...um, never mind.
For that matter, you know, you're welcome here on Moya anytime. We might not be as much fun, both Aeryn and Chiana are spoken for." He couldn't stop a grin from spreading across his face as he realized that Aeryn truly was spoken for, and had spoken up herself long ago regarding her preference.
"Nevertheless, Uncle Bialar's welcome here anytime."
He waited for a moment for a response, but Crais still seemed to be trying to collect himself.
"Crais, what about Talyn? You say that he's been striking out with the babes. That's always awkward, especially in the beginning, but do you think that you're being onboard has anything to do with that? Do you think that having dad around is hampering his style? Is he even more of a wallflower than he would be otherwise because he's conducting his social life under your watchful gaze?
What do you think would be best for Talyn? I know you mean well for him, but how much of this is what you think would be best for you, and how much of this is really what would be best for him?"
Crais looked up. If anything could get his attention it was the well being of Talyn. It had taken the crew on Moya a long time to realise that Crais only had good intentions towards Talyn, that he saw the youngster as his son. That his concern for Talyn was not faked. The link and the bond between the two had only strengthened over the cycles.
It was obvious that Crais had never looked at it from that angle. His voice was soft, "I could have been the one blocking his happiness?" He looked out of the view port and looked over at Talyn. Guilt was written on Aeryn's features.
"Maybe you are right, Crichton, maybe I should let him go off on his own for a while and see if that is what the problem is. I do not want to be the cause of his unhappiness. I will discuss this with him when we are linked again." The loneliness on Aeryn's face only deepened.
Crichton walked over to him and laid a hand on Aeryn's shoulder, Crais did not pull back. "Crais, I am not saying that it definitely is the cause only that it could be the cause. You don't have to be on your own. You can stay with us. Talyn knows how to find his mother and he knows how to stay out of trouble, thanks to you.
Talyn is unique in that he doesn't need a Pilot to control him. You taught him how to think independently. He'll be able to defend himself, find himself a nice Leviathanette to spend a little time together and before you know it, he'll be back," Crichton squeezed the shoulder he was holding. He felt the shoulder sag under his hand.
Crais looked him in the eyes, his expression unreadable, "You are right, Crichton. He doesn't really need a Pilot. He doesn't really need me. Will he come to realise that too?" There was a twinge of fear in his voice.
Crichton realised what he had just said to Crais, "Crais, you have to trust Talyn, that he will come back to you. I know it will be hard to let go for a little while, but you have to trust him!"
Crais nodded and turned back to the view port, his eyes fixed on Talyn. A myriad of thoughts tumbled through his mind. Maybe Crichton was right and he should let go for a while, but the fear that Talyn would be hurt or, worse, that he wouldn't return to him, gnawed at his insides.
Crichton was appalled at the sudden turn that the conversation had taken. For once, he had actually been trying to be as helpful as possible, and look what he had done!
"Crais, we know how deeply you care about Talyn, and we know that he cares about you too. You've both demonstrated that often enough.
Talyn once attacked his own mother to get you back.
He turned himself in to the Peacekeepers to be mind wiped when you told him it was what he had to do.
And the Command Carrier... he was willing to die because you asked him to.
The things you two have done since then... he put himself in danger then too.
You shouldn't doubt him now. He has shown often enough that he not only cares about you, but that he trusts you. Trust him, Bialar."
.
Part 20
.
Aeryn Sun entered the Observation Deck just in time to hear the end of this conversation. She saw her body facing out toward the vastness of space, saying nothing. But "her" body language was eloquent enough. She had never slumped so dejectedly in her worst moments, much less seen Crais look so beaten. Even when she had found him in the Chair cycles ago, there had still been fight left in him, as badly battered and worn down as he had been.
"What's going on? Crais, are you alright?"
She looked at Crichton, then went to the Sebacean. Gently she cupped her... his shoulder with her palm, and slowly turned him toward her. "What's the matter, Crais?"
She looked worriedly at Crichton for an explanation.
Crichton wanted desperately to put things right. Wounding Crais -something he had rarely if ever even thought possible- had been the furthest thing from his mind, "Aeryn, we were talking about things, and we started discussing Talyn and his... social shortcomings. I suggested that maybe having Crais on board complicates things.
I never meant to suggest that Crais and Talyn don't belong together. I don't doubt that those two always will be like the Lone Ranger and his trusty Indian sidekick, Tonto. Well, apparently, I hit a nerve..."
Aeryn let her one hand rest on the back of "her" neck, slowly raising "her" chin with the other, so that Crais and she gazed directly into each other's eyes.
"Crais, in this instance, Crichton is right. You have to trust Talyn to come back to you. He trusts you to come back to him and he even chose you over his mother once. Now, trust him to come back to you."
Crais' brows pinched together as he looked into Aeryn's eyes and studied his own face. Why couldn't he feel the same calm he saw now on his own features? He lowered his eyes, "I know, Aeryn, and I will discuss it with him once we are linked again. I will let him go and find himself another Leviathan to be happy with. I know he will come back."
He tried to convince himself that the doubt he felt growing was totally misplaced. He had to convince himself or else Talyn would feel the doubt too and might stay and not even try to find another Leviathan, and then the doubts would start in Talyn's mind.
He looked up at them. His face was calm again, "I will let him go on his own way for a while."
He smiled wanly, "Does that offer still stand to take up quarters here for the time being?"
Crichton was relieved that this crisis appeared to have been headed off.
He placed a hand on the middle of "Aeryn's " back. "Of course it does. What would we do without our 2nd-favorite ex-Peacekeeper? It's not like there's any danger of there being no room at the inn. The 'vacancy' sign's always out on Moya." (He giggled mentally at the thought--that would sure explain a lot of their problems over the last 5 cycles.)
"Crais, none of us would be here without you, and we know it. You'll always have a home here with us. Not that I expect you'll need it for all that long. I can't imagine what we could do to keep you and Talyn separated for very long even if we wanted to. Just leave him alone, and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him."
Aeryn gave the jhumon one of those looks.
"Talyn doesn't wag his... Jhumon joke again." Crais dropped his eyes briefly, "Thank you, Crichton."
Crichton was taken aback for a short moment. Crais saying "Thank you"? Miracles were still possible then, "Hey, it's all right, Cap'n Crunch. No need to thank me. What are friends for, eh?"
Crais straightened Aeryn's back, "No, there is no need, I know, but I want to thank you nonetheless and not just for offering me a place here on board Moya, but also for suggesting a solution for Talyn."
He looked out of the view port at Talyn, "We have been so closely linked together that we couldn't see anymore what was wrong. Your suggestion might help Talyn."
He looked back at Aeryn, "Your decision to trade places for a short while might have its benefits after all. If it works out, I will have a happier friend." His voice grew softer, "And might even reacquaint myself with... old friends. Friends whom I did not realise I had."
Aeryn looked strangely at Crais. Their body swap had made him open up more than he had to any of them, apart from Talyn, for many cycles. A smile started to spread on "Crais'" face, "Our body swap has had its benefits for me too, Crais. I had never realised what my body was capable of, pushing it to the limits. I am calmer, feel calmer. Also I feel more self-assured, and I like it. I think that in the future, I may be less inclined to assume that I am the one who is in the wrong or needs to change.
Once upon a time, I presumed that of course I was the one who was correct, but the last few cycles, I have doubted myself more and more. It appears that neither extreme is desirable. I can only hope that this is a permanent effect."
She paused, then asked, "Crais, I know little about Leviathan mating practices. Moya has not been approached by a male, or, for that matter, tried to attract one herself, at least as far as we know, since she first escaped.
You say that Talyn has been approached by females, but that after a short time, they withdrew from him? Do you know what to expect from Leviathans in the wild?"
Crais looked embarrassed, or rather, Aeryn's face was blushing, "Talyn has been approached by female Leviathans and also has approached one or two females on occasion. They like him... very much. I have always tried to keep privacy mode on when that happens. They do come close to Talyn, but after a little while, they always seem to leave."
He looked out the view port, "It leaves Talyn confused. I have tried to explain to him the... uhm... workings of procreation and he seems to understand that but he is confused on how to proceed. There isn't much more that I can tell him. I don't know what is expected of him."
"Aww," said Crichton, "Father Crais is trying to explain about the birds and the bees and the Leviathans, how sweet."
Crais frowned, "I don't see what birds and beez have anything to do with Leviathans?"
Crichton smiled, "No, you explaining to him about reproduction. Now that is something out of a horror flick."
Crais had no idea what Crichton was talking about, "Crichton, I don't understand..."
"Ah, that's the whole point. You don't know anything about children and adolescents. Maybe that's why Talyn is confused."
Crais looked shocked...
Aeryn was not amused by this sudden change in Crichton's tone.
"John, what do any of us know of raising children? Is there something that I should know about your past life on Erp?
We have all been children ourselves, and we have all passed through adolescence, apparently some more recently than others. That doesn't seem to be much of a help.
Crais, you headed the Leviathan modification project. Surely you have knowledge of the ways of wild Leviathans?"
She looked at him, and suddenly realised how foolish an assumption that was. She had been a Peacekeeper.
"Pilot..."
~Yes, Officer Sun...~
"Could you ask Moya to talk to Talyn about the ways of Leviathans? How they find mates and how they recreate and propagate? It seems that we have a confused youngster on our hands and I have the feeling that the subject has not been brought up before between mother and child, but Talyn needs to know."
Crais looked ashamed. He should have brought the matter up when Talyn started to ask him questions. It had never occurred to him to ask Moya directly for assistance. He had always assumed that at some time Talyn and Moya would discuss it together.
Crichton turned to Crais and watched the mixed emotions flit over Aeryn's face, "That one of the things wrong with Peacekeepers. They don't have family ties and therefore have no idea that adolescents go through a period of finding themselves. You couldn't know, Crais, it wasn't your fault."
"I should have foreseen it," Crais felt uncomfortable.
"Crais, you are brilliant in many ways but you are not omniscient. How could you know about things you have never experienced yourself? As a matter of fact, I am quite impressed how you have managed to raise Talyn without knowing anything about raising children. When you boarded Talyn, he was still a child, a baby really."
"Not all is..." Crais started to say...
"Crais, there never was a perfect parent, or perfect child, either. It would be a mighty boring galaxy if we were all perfect. Our differences make us unique. Talyn just happens to be a little more unique than others," Crichton shrugged his shoulders.
Aeryn addressed Crichton again.
"Once, when you thought that I was carrying your child, you were willing to trust me even though I was born and raised in a Peacekeeper crèche.
Crais at last spent his early years growing up with a real family--parents, a brother, in a Sebacean colony. He has much more experience than I do regarding what you must consider a "normal" lifestyle."
She turned to Crais.
"I am certain that Pilot would be willing to share what knowledge he has of Leviathan biology. He may not have direct knowledge, but I believe that his kind study Leviathans from their earliest years in the hope of someday being chosen to be joined with one. Surely he can tell you what you need to know about the subject.
"Shall we visit him tomorrow and ask him to speak with us about this?"
Crais just nodded and then looked at Aeryn, then glanced quickly at Crichton. He looked back at Aeryn. There was clearly something on his mind that he wanted to ask her, buthe obviously didn't want to have Crichton around for it.
Aeryn rocked on Crais' feet, coughed lightly, and looked at Crichton. Crichton looked back at her and didn't get the hint immediately (or chose not to understand).
Crais looked away and walked over to the window, staring outside.
The frown Aeryn produced on Crais' face was almost comical. She raised the brow that Crais normally didn't, and made Crais' eyes appear bigger than they were. This also had the effect of producing a strange wrinkle above the nose. Crichton smirked, trying to keep himself from laughing. When "Crais" motioned with his head to get him to leave andthen flared "his" nostrils, he made a hasty retreat lest he burst out laughing.
.
Part 21
.
Aeryn turned back to Crais, "You wanted to speak to me in private, Crais?"
As Crais turned back to Aeryn, she could see how he was trying to keep her face under control, "How are you dealing with these conflicting feelings, Aeryn?"
"Conflicting feelings?" Aeryn wasn't even aware she ever had them, well not a lot anyway.
Crais took a deep breath, "Your body reacts strangely to certain remarks. I can logically follow the train of thought, but your body seems to react differently to what I am feeling. At one point it... (Crais was clearly embarrassed) I... even wanted to run, to get away from it."
Crais turned towards the window so he wouldn't show his embarrassment to her, "When Crichton was mentioning children... ahem... your body became all... ah... warm and... uhm... flustered. When he said that there would always be a place here on Moya, I... (cough) had to resist an urge to.. (cough-cough) uhm... hug him."
He turned back to Aeryn, "Does your body always react in a contradictory way to what you are thinking?"
Aeryn was confused.
"Crais, why do you assume that my body's physical reactions are not in agreement with my thoughts?
When Crichton thought I was carrying his child, he truly welcomed the prospect. More than that, even. He was ecstatic.
We still hope that someday that will come to pass, and when it does, I will be as happy as he will.
Crichton has told me a number of times that he believes I have a natural gift with children. I am not so sure, but if we survive long enough, we both intend to find out.
As for your impulse to hug Crichton, perhaps that is more a matter of being used to hiding or disguising your feelings than it is a conflict between what you feel and how this body feels an instinct to react.
We have all been under a great deal of strain, and that is my fault. I apologise; I never foresaw the complications that have arisen and the day isn't even over yet.
I certainly never thought that you would find yourself facing this situation with Talyn. I can't imagine how distressed you must feel about being separated from him, even apart from finding yourself having to ask for "sanctuary" here with us, although that isn't really a very accurate assessment of your position this time round.
I still remember the first time you came onboard Moya seeking refuge."
Crais' face got a very wry look.
"You probably haven't forgotten that either. But your situation is very different this time. Crais, we all know you aren't the enemy anymore, even if you and Crichton still get prickly around each other even when you both have the best intentions.
Besides, even from the short time that I was connected to Talyn, I know how he feels about you. I can't imagine him being separated from you willingly except for a very short and limited time. How can you possible doubt him?"
Crais sighed wearily, "You are right, Aeryn. I am so used to being in control and knowing how to control my own body and emotions that it confuses me that I cannot control your body, at least not to the extent that I do my own."
He took another deep breath, "Maybe it is myself I doubt, and not Talyn. We have become very close over the cycles but I still have the feeling that I (he looked away) have failed him to some extent. He is a good... Leviathan, a good friend. I don't see him as just a ship, he's more. The thought, even if it might not be warranted, that he might want a real Pilot or won't return until many cycles have passed, keeps haunting me. It shouldn't, I know."
He looked back at her and showed a thin smile, "Yes, I do remember the first time I asked for sanctuary and that no one was really willing to grant me that. Which, under the circumstances, was not surprising. After Talyn and I left and we occasionally returned, the others were never happy to see me and only tolerated my presence because of Talyn. It is not easy to shake the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Maybe I have closed my eyes to the warmer welcomes lately."
He walked over to her and laid the small hand of Aeryn on his own shoulder, Aeryn's face was calm again, "We shouldn't be too morose. We should learn and enjoy from this experience. After we have switched back to our own bodies, I will have a talk with Pilot and then with Talyn. If he agrees, then I will gladly accept your offer to stay here."
Aeryn looked into her own smiling face and saw that the smile reached his eyes. She leaned over, brushed his cheek lightly with "her" lips, and whispered into his ear, "Thank you, Crais."
She paused just a moment, "Your friendship means more to me than I can say. I do care about you, just not in the same way that I care for John. Neither of you could replace the other."
A warm smile graced Crais' countenance, and their eyes met. "Aeryn's" hand slid up to the back of "Crais'" head, and "she" touched "her" forehead to "his". They leaned against each other for a moment, each taking comfort and finding strength in the other.
They both sighed nearly in unison, which provoked a bit of a laugh from each of them.
Crais gazed again into his own eyes, and decided that he did not wish to tread any further onto such dangerous ground.
"Aeryn, I am the one who should be thanking you. It's fortunate that you misunderstood the priest, or that he miss-stated the proposition in the way he did. I never would have agreed to this experiment, certainly not unless our lives hung in the balance, and we never would have had this experience. It appears that we all may benefit from it. Let us hope so, anyway."
"Then let us agree that it appears to be working to our mutual benefit, and that neither of us owes the other."
Crais thought for a moment, and then met Aeryn's gaze again. "It has been difficult just being separated from Talyn for these few arns. How will I manage over the weeks, monens, that he is gone? What if he leaves for cycles? What if he never comes back?"
A haunted look came to his eyes, and he looked away...
Aeryn felt great sorrow for Crais. The self-doubt the man harboured was almost too painful to watch. She placed a hand on his cheek gently and made him look at her, "Crais, don't do this to yourself. You have to believe that he will come back as I am sure he will do. Doubting yourself and him will only lead to disaster."
The eyes that looked at her were filled with loneliness.
"You have given each other so much over the cycles and not just only an education in return for a place to live. You have given each other companionship and unconditional love. Not the love between two lovers, but the love between a father and a son. Please, you have to believe in him... and in yourself."
Crais looked down. She was right. He shouldn't doubt Talyn. Before this experience, he never had doubted him; he had always known that he would be there. But being separated from Talyn, not feeling his thoughts in his mind, not feeling his presence, suddenly made Crais realise just how quiet his mind was, and how lonely.
He looked up and said softly, "I will try."
Aeryn smiled back to him. She caressed him with her eyes.
"Good. Because *I* don't doubt either of you."