Part 35
.
She too was worried about Crais' reaction or rather lack thereof. Some of what Crichton had said had not made sense to her, like popcohn and telvision. It would have been the sort of words Crais would have reacted to as well, out of sheer curiosity.
Yet, Crais had not reacted. He hadn't looked up, he had just turned over the transponder in his hands. She... They had not realised how much Crais really cared for Talyn. How close they had bonded. They knew he was he was getting closer to Talyn with each passing cycle. They had notice that more than often Crais would say "we" instead of "I" but they had written it off as a speech pattern inherent to Crais when speaking about the youngster and himself.
But never could they imagine that Crais saw himself as part of the youngster. Taking Talyn away would be like cutting off a part of Crais.
They had seen Crais slip into madness and come out of it, that had taken a long time. They had experienced his deviousness and it had taken them a long time to see it, yet he overcame that too. They had seen his courage and his willingness to sacrifice himself, it had stayed with him.
This was different. Crichton's remark had sent him spiralling into despair. They had to quench this fast or it might be too late to drag him out of it. She could not allow that to happen.
She moved into the room and sat next to Crais.
"Crais" lifted "Aeryn's" head with a gentleness and consideration that almost made Crichton jealous. Crais was now forced to look in Aeryn's eyes and she felt sadness wash over her when she looked at those haunted tormented eyes.
"Crais you can't let this happen to you. Do not sink into depression for something that might never happen. You are strong and if it becomes too much for you to bear on your own, we will be there for you. You are not alone, even when Talyn is away."
Crais tried to move his head away, the only reaction but she held a firm grip on his chin and he couldn't look away, He was embarrassed for his show of emotion and he closed his eyes.
Anger gripped Aeryn when she saw his reluctance to accept. The scowl appeared on Crais' brow, "Crais, frell, you're stronger than this. You've been through worse."
"You lost your life... twice, when you were taken as a child from your home and everything you knew, and later when you had the courage to walk away from your command.
Yes, we know that your life was forfeit if you didn't, but that still wouldn't have been enough for some people. It still required the courage to leave everything you knew and start all over again, alone and with nothing.
You've managed to get past the death of your brother.
"Well, this time, no one is dying. You aren't losing everything, and you're not going to be alone"... she smiled as she quipped..."even though there will probably be times that you'll wish you were."
Crichton jumped in, "Too bad, Crais. You'll just have to learn to deal with it, and with us. We're your family now, like it or not. You know how they say you can't pick your relatives... well, maybe not.
"Anyway, we're you're friends too. Doesn't matter if we all have our prickly moments. We deal with them. We've had enough of them among ourselves. Probably wouldn't have the connections with each other that we do, if we didn't go through the bad times as well as the good.
I'll bet that Talyn is going to have as hard a time separating for a while from you, too. But you wouldn't really want him tied to your apron strings all his life, would you?"
Both Sebaceans turned to look at the Human.
"What? What now?"
Aeryn shook her head and Crais frowned, "What are apron strings?"
Crichton laughed relieved, "What was it that got your attention, Crais? We have tried almost everything we could throw at you and no reaction. What did the trick?"
Crais stood up from the bed, a calm had settled over Aeryn's features. Somehow he had regained his mental equilibrium or at least gave the appearance to have done so. He turned to Aeryn, "You are right Aeryn, Talyn needs my strength to go and be... happy not my weakness. He will be upset as it is. He needs to find some happiness of his own making. If I weaken, he will feel this through the link. I will not allow this to happen."
Aeryn stood up and laid her hand on his shoulder, she looked into his dark eyes and saw the strength of his conviction, "I know you are doing the right thing Crais." She squeezed his shoulder. He straightened the shoulders.
"I would like to be alone for a little while," said Crais.
"You are not going to..." started Crichton.
"No," replied Crais, "I just need to be alone for a moment."
Crichton stood up, "Well, you know..."
Aeryn almost propelled Crichton out of the room, which was easier with Crais' strength guiding her hands.
.
Once outside Crichton turned to her and said in a loud whisper, "What about his own happiness? Is that what it all boils down to? First it was Tauvo he had to be strong for and now Talyn. Hey, he might not be high on my list of preferred wedding guests, well... maybe he is but that's besides the point... but isn't it time that he looked for some own happiness?"
"John, Crais knows what is right for Talyn... and for him. If this is the way he can deal with it, then let him. Don't try and undermine that thought again. He will have a hard enough time once Talyn will be gone. Don't make it harder on him than it already is."
"Yes, but you know, we all have our own needs. Sometimes we have to sacrifice, but it isn't natural to always sacrifice your needs either... or healthy.
"Haven't you ever wondered what Crais' life was like before Tauvo's death?"
"Crichton, I was there! He was Captain of a Command Carrier. He commanded a force of over 50,000--men, women, and children. He led, he was obeyed, he was feared."
"Was he loved?"
Aeryn turned to stare at Crichton. "Why would that matter? I mean, of course he recreated, had relationships..." Her voice faded away.
"The ogre we saw on the chip? The one who ordered the death of Moya's first pilot? The one who arrested Velorek? The conscript turned Captain?
"What was the reaction of your average Peacekeeper to him before he made good? And what about after that? Did anyone but Tauvo get to him? Did he let them? Would anyone have tried?"
"Was it better or worse for him that he knew there were other possibilities, other ways to live?"
Aeryn shook her head sadly, "We don't know John. Crais did have a reputation." She looked away and frowned.
They had walked further down the corridor but even so she kept her voice to a near whisper, "Yes the ogre we saw on the chip was Crais as well. You have to understand, Crais was a true Peacekeeper, we all were."
She leaned against the bulkhead, "Crais was ruthless in his execution of his work and totally obsessed with the Leviathan project. He was a harsh taskmaster. Drove his crew to the limits and beyond but he did that to himself as well. They knew he allowed them to make a mistake twice, the third time would mean a harsh punishment."
"Your average Mr Nice Guy," sneered Crichton.
Aeryn ignored his remark, "On the other hand, when someone did well or went beyond the call of duty the rewards were big. And it was no use taking the credit of someone else. He knew. Crais ran a tight ship. With strict rules and we all obeyed him. His temper was renowned and he didn't make a distinction when someone stepped over the line. High or low. The only exception might have been Tauvo but even he knew he couldn't push his brother too far."
She pushed herself away from the wall and walked further down the corridor, "One day, a little while after he took Command, he noticed bruises on a Tech's face and she had to confirm that she had been forced to recreate against her wishes. He found out who had done this. They had been Officers. Their punishment was harsh, painful and I doubt if they would have been able to produce offspring after that. Nobody dared it again under his command."
"Ouch," said Crichton, "Don't really know what to think of that but is nice to know that he had a set of rules which was alike for everyone."
"Crais didn't fraternise with anyone, high or low. Mostly ate in his quarters on his own or with his brother. Quite a few of the female crew had their designs on him but none of them ever seemed to make much of an impression on him. Well, not as far as was generally known, anyway.
He was known to have recreated. If he hadn't at all, that would have been a subject of conversation itself. But he didn't seem to participate often, and he didn't seem to have a favourite, regular partner either. Crichton, what are you getting at?"
Crichton looked at her, "I'm just wondering if Crais knows the true meaning of love, of caring or is this thing with Talyn just an obsession with him? Like his career had been or his brother."
Aeryn's eyes grew dark, "You don't understand what it is like to be a Peacekeeper, especially like Crais and Tauvo, conscripts. Conscripts have the added burden of emotion as a child. To show any of that and you're dead meat. They... we, for I am guilty as well, treated conscripts like things. They weren't people, they weren't true breds. If any of them showed emotion or cried, we made life hell for them. Some became tough, like Crais must have done, others cracked. Some committed suicide."
She sighed, "Maybe Crais loved Tauvo like an obsession. He was their only link to their past and maybe he loves Talyn as an obsession too, his only link to the future. Yes, I believe that Crais knows what love is. He just might not know how to express himself."
"Even I, whose life had been made easier as a true bred found it difficult to adept here on Moya in the beginning. And Crais had no one to help him with that. He only had Talyn and Talyn was very young, still is in many ways."
She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders.
"Whatever his past experience, all he can do now is to go forward and build upon what he knows.
"I had to become...more. I could no longer live as I once did, as I was once happy to. I tried to explain this to Henta."
Aeryn smiled sadly.
"We've all been challenged. We've all grown. D'Argo, Chiana, even Rygel is much improved."
Crichton glanced backward toward the chamber. "Well, we can all try to be there for him. We were there... here... for each other, although we've all sometimes made it more difficult than it needed to be.
I notice that you didn't include me in that list of the much improved."
Aeryn tried to smother a grin. "Well, you too, perhaps. With some species, it's more difficult to tell than with others."
She laughed outright and picked up her pace down the corridor. Crichton followed her, suddenly in a much-improved mood at least.
.
Part 36
.
Crais heard their laughter disappear down the corridor and part of him longed to be included in it.
He lay back on the bed and stared at Moya's ceiling. He was convincing himself of his intended action. Knew it was the right thing to do and the best option for Talyn. The nagging fear was still there, he knew he would not shake it that easily but the words of the others had rung true.
Talyn and he had grown so much closer together since that time that they had become Ship and Captain. The first two Cycles had not been easy for either of them. Crais had learned to talk, reason and coerce Talyn in taking his commands. He had stopped ordering the youngster about. Talyn now knew that if Crais reverted back to ordering him he did so with a reason.
Talyn had learned from Crais, reluctantly at times but now their thoughts flew as one. Talyn's instability was cured and it was beneficial to both.
In the last cycles their thoughts had become as one. That's how they saw themselves. Talyn had not been the mindless creature Crais had first believed him to be so. Talyn was complex, curious and Crais had revelled in the imparting of knowledge.
Crais had grown with Talyn, experiencing the new wonders through Talyn's eyes and both had been in awe when they saw the universe emerge. Crais saw the universe as Talyn did, in colours and sounds. He saw the universe different too. Living planets emanated sounds. The sheer beauty of it.
Yes, they had grown, together. The anxiety of losing his friend, companion and... son filled Crais with dread but it had to done. Talyn deserved his piece of happiness. He would be back. The way they had grown together strengthened their link. Talyn would be back, his doubts started to dissolve.
Crais wasn't even aware that he was slipping once more into a light sleep.
.
He suddenly jerked back into wakefulness, and looked around.
He was disoriented and had completely lost track of time. It didn't happen often and luckily the spell was of a passing kind.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and automatically touched the place where the transponder should have been to disconnect privacy mode. It was a habit. He dropped his hand, stood up and walked over to the refresher, shedding Aeryn's clothes while walking up there.
Before stepping into the stall he looked at himself... Aeryn in the mirror. His hand went up to his face, felt the smooth skin. Fine hair under his fingertips instead of the prickly sensation that was his beard.
It was strange to see his dark eyes look back at him from Aeryn's face. He touched the eyebrows. Straight and soft, less hair. The lips, almost like his own, thinner.
He resisted the urge to look further, past his collarbone. He had promised not to explore the rest of her, he kept to his promise and stepped under the cleaning sprays of the refresher. He enjoyed how the sprays touched his body. It was so different from his own.
Ten microns later he stepped out and towelled himself dry. He dressed quickly and bound his hair in a queue. Her hair, though straight, was more unruly to be wrapped in the leather thong than his own. He had expected differently.
.
Part 37
.
Crais left the room and made his way down various corridors to Pilot's control chamber. He slowly approached the creature, examining it in a slow and careful way which he never had before.
When he had commanded his Leviathan project, he had regarded these aliens in a very cavalier fashion.
Yes, they were famous for their multitasking capabilities. But look at them? Could such odd, almost primitive seeming creatures ever be regarded as equals, or even nearly so?
That was how he had once thought of these aliens.
He had himself spent the last several cycles as the bonded pilot of a Leviathan. Not just any Leviathan... the most unique Leviathan who had soared through galactic space.
He had experienced sensory marvels such as no Sebacean ever had before. He had *felt* space. He knew what it was like to be a pilot, and he knew that the immense crustacean before him, even though relatively new to his job also, had experienced things that he himself could never hope to. He felt respect for the creature, and almost a kind of kinship, and a sense of shame at the treatment of this pilot, its predecessor, and the Leviathan they had both been partnered with.
Crais' scrutiny drew the attention of Pilot, ~Can I help you Captain Crais?~
Crais canted his head in contemplation, "I don't... I'm not sure, Pilot." He sat on one of the protrusions of the console and sighed. He looked in the vast chamber that stretched before him, for the moment avoiding eye-contact with Pilot. He worked his jaw muscles.
"I have not been fair to you or any of the Pilots and Leviathans under my command in the past."
Pilot tilted his head and stayed silent, not quite sure which way Crais was going with the conversation.
Crais looked briefly down at Aeryn's hands before looking at the chamber again, "I have treated you unfairly, thinking of you as... beasts... mindless creatures,,, I didn't know any better... then.
I know different now. Your species have an intelligence that supersedes ours. It would have been easy for you to point that out to us."
~We could, Captain but we chose not to do so," replied Pilot in his clipped tones, ~My species like to explore, to see space and meet other species. Unfortunately, we cannot survive in space on our own. The Leviathans provide us with that~
"And you offer companionship in return," answered Crais.
~Yes, we do. The Leviathans are of solitary nature on their own but they love to share their experience but no one can understand them. We do~
"I know and understand that now," said Crais gently. He turned to Pilot, "Since I have been linked to Talyn I have come to understand more than I could ever learn from the Peacekeepers or anybody else. I cannot share the wonders I have seen, felt or heard with others, since I do not know the words to describe them."
He frowned and looked in deliberation at the console, "I have come to understand that Leviathans are very intelligent and curious. I apologise for my former ignorance."
Pilot looked up, ~This is rare indeed. I will accept your apologies also on behalf of Moya~
Crais nodded.
~But that is not the only reason you are here, aren't you Captain~ Pilot said with a hint of understanding.
"No," admitted Crais, "I need to know...how is Talyn doing? I have found this enforced separation from him quite distressing, much more so than I would have expected it to be.
~Talyn has been much more stable the last few cycles. He has grown in experience, in understanding, far beyond his previous condition~
"Still, this has been somewhat of a shock for me. I am concerned regarding how well Talyn is handling this.
You are in constant contact with Moya, and she and Talyn have likewise been connected to each other throughout this...these last hours.
Pilot, I desire...can you assure me that Talyn is not unduly distressed by this enforced separation?"
~Captain Crais, I can confirm that Talyn has calmed down since Aeryn explained the situation to him. He was distressed at first when contact was broken but now that he understands that the duration is only short and not life threatening or of an extended nature he is resigned and quite happy to wait~
Crais started pacing. Pilot was surprised by this reaction. He had thought that Crais would be happy to know that Talyn was taking it so well. Yet, the thoughtful frown he saw appear on Aeryn's face was contrary to what he expected, ~You are troubled Crais?~
Crais stopped and sat down again. It was obvious that he found it difficult to breach the next subject, "I was going to talk to Talyn about something but now I am not sure if what I propose to do is right. Would you mind using privacy mode and discuss this with me?"
Pilot was puzzled, ~Captain Crais, this is an unusual request. Yes, I can engage privacy mode but I do not want to distress Moya unduly. I could ask her not to convey any of this conversation to Talyn. For I take it that he is your major concern?~
Crais nodded, "Yes, I wanted to discuss this with Talyn but I might need your advise in certain matters first."
Pilot stayed silent for mere microts while he communicated with Moya then he looked back at Crais, ~Moya has agreed to leave Talyn out of the conversation but expresses the wish to listen to our conversation in case it could harm Talyn~
"Agreed," replied Crais, "The question is this, "Talyn has made it known that he is in need of the companionship of other Leviathans... female Leviathans."
Crais hesitated for a moment and then began again. In the interim, Pilot had remained silent, merely watching the Sebacean, expectantly. He had not taken the opportunity to point out that Talyn had spent much time these last few cycles with Moya, and she was definitely a female Leviathan.
"During our travels, we have occasionally met with female Leviathans, as well as a few small groups of immature males. Several monens ago, we even were inspected at rather close range by a full grown male. He was by far the largest Leviathan I have ever seen--he was well over half again the size of Moya. After what seemed a quite thorough inspection, he moved off without any obvious attempt to join in communication with Talyn and myself.
The male's lack of interest in a more intimate relationship was not a problem, but it has become clear to me that the situation regarding the females is very different.
Talyn has made it known to me that he needs...more personal contact...with appropriate females.
Once, as a Peacekeeper officer, I did not see Leviathan social needs as being any of my concern. Now, as Talyn's... pilot... I find that those needs are as important to me as though they were my own...as, in a sense, they are."
Crais met the gaze of Moya's pilot as directly as he could.
"What I mean to say...one of the things I mean to say...is that I need to know just what Talyn's needs are, and how best they may be fulfilled."
The shrill little voice sounding though the back of his mind half wailed, half growled, *And will he leave me? ...and will he return?* and a host of other questions which began to run into each other, but Crais, despite a degree of difficulty, was able to stifle it temporarily.
"What must I do to help Talyn? Am I correct in my supposition that I am standing in his way? I am aware that we all need connections with our own kind." (wondering to himself as he voiced that particular thought, Was it true? Where did that idea come from?).
He found himself needing to exert the greatest control in order to not devolve into shouting the questions he had heard inside his head, and felt in his heart.
Pilot regarded the Sebacean in front of him. He could see the anguish of Crais' unspoken words reflected on Aeryn's visage. Could see how the hands had gripped the console hard enough to make the hands looks almost white in order to keep control over himself.
He lifted his head at Crais, ~You are speaking of... recreation of Talyn with other Leviathans~
"Not necessarily recreation only. He needs to communicate with them, find himself. Am I an obstacle in his development? Am I holding him back? I need to know, Pilot. He is..." Crais could not continue and sat down.
~Captain Crais, your symbiosis with Talyn has become more than a link between Pilot and Leviathan, hasn't it? You don't see him like a mere ship or travelling companion~
"Yes," replied Crais softly, "He is my friend. The son I might never have." Crais closed his eyes, he had been able to admit it to others and to himself, "I'm afraid that I might loose him, that he will never return to me but I know I have to let him go... for a short period. To let him be on his own."
~Crais, he will return. He is as lost without you as you are without him. You did not feel his distress when he was suddenly cut away from your thoughts~
Crais nodded, he had expected it but needed to hear it voiced.
~It is true that you might hold him back while you are on board. Talyn might suppress some of his urges in communications and other... considerations. It might be good for both of you to be separated for a short spell~
Crais nodded, he leaned with the back of his head to the console.
~Captain, he will return. He doesn't want to be separated from you either. He has more than once joyfully and enthusiastically explained to Moya that he regards you alternately as brother, friend, and father. He feels that increasingly, you and he have begun to exchange the roles of teacher and student~
~That is entirely consistent and appropriate in the context of Leviathan-pilot relationships~
~In fact, in cases where the two partners are of opposite sexes, especially when they both match each other well in terms of their emotional makeup and development, the relationship sometimes comes to border on that of lovers, although obviously there is no physical consummation in the usually accepted sense~
~On the other hand, a Leviathan and his or her pilot are usually physically joined, unlike your situation with Talyn. It is no mere coincidence that my nutrients...my bodily fluids, flow to me via Moya~
~Moya was very concerned for a long time whether you meant well toward her first-born. She remembered vividly, and still does, her treatment at Peacekeeper hands~
Crais hung his head dejectedly, "I know, Pilot. Once I had treated Leviathans as did all Peacekeepers but that was before I was linked with Talyn. Now that I have an idea what goes on between Pilot and Leviathan I treat it differently and I feel ashamed how I used to behave. If it is any solace, I offer her my apologies for that behaviour."
~Moya accepts you apologies, Captain. She also knows that you only have Talyn's well being in mind. No longer is she afraid that you might want to hurt Talyn or any other Leviathan. She sees you as Talyn's Pilot now~
Crais accepted the honour Moya put on him.
"I will try and explain to Talyn that our separation will benefit him. Although it pains me to loose him for even a short while, I also know that I have to trust him to return. I will convince him."
~Moya thanks you for your consideration. I know how you feel Crais. Since I am physically linked to Moya I will never be able to be separated from her, not that I want to, the fact is I can't. Should I have been able to do so I would go through the same doubts as you are going through now. You have my sympathies~
Crais stood up, this time his resolve was stronger and Pilot could detect the strength, which had been lacking when he had entered the Den, return in Crais' stance.
Crais turned to him with a smile, "Thank you, Pilot."
~You're welcome Captain~
Crais left the Den.
Before he had gotten more than 20 feet down the corridor, he stopped. After a moment's pause, he turned around and once again re-entered the den.
He made his way half the distance to the giant alien.
"Pilot, I never asked you. I never thought of it as important, before. It occurs to me now that not doing so was an error on my part, as well as being an intentional, and later, not so intentional, sign of disrespect. I would like to correct that, now.
Pilot, may I know your name?"
The creature in question looked at Crais with an amused smile, ~Captain Crais you will not be able to pronounce it. It would be very hard on your vocal cords~
"I would still like to know," said Crais resolutely.
~All right~ said Pilot. He spoke his name in the tongue of the people of his planet and was surprised when he saw Crais cant his head who seemed to listen very carefully.
"Could you repeat it once more?"
Pilot did and saw Crais smile. ~Captain Crais, what is so amusing?~
"You are right, I will not be able to repeat this orally but once I am linked to Talyn again it will be a pleasure to address you by your given name."
Pilot was clearly embarrassed and flattered, ~Will you be able to do so?~
"When we are linked, yes. Thank you Pilot." He said his goodbyes and left the Den, silently repeating the name of Pilot in his mind.
He felt a sense of satisfaction and rightness.
He proceeded toward the observation chamber.
.
She too was worried about Crais' reaction or rather lack thereof. Some of what Crichton had said had not made sense to her, like popcohn and telvision. It would have been the sort of words Crais would have reacted to as well, out of sheer curiosity.
Yet, Crais had not reacted. He hadn't looked up, he had just turned over the transponder in his hands. She... They had not realised how much Crais really cared for Talyn. How close they had bonded. They knew he was he was getting closer to Talyn with each passing cycle. They had notice that more than often Crais would say "we" instead of "I" but they had written it off as a speech pattern inherent to Crais when speaking about the youngster and himself.
But never could they imagine that Crais saw himself as part of the youngster. Taking Talyn away would be like cutting off a part of Crais.
They had seen Crais slip into madness and come out of it, that had taken a long time. They had experienced his deviousness and it had taken them a long time to see it, yet he overcame that too. They had seen his courage and his willingness to sacrifice himself, it had stayed with him.
This was different. Crichton's remark had sent him spiralling into despair. They had to quench this fast or it might be too late to drag him out of it. She could not allow that to happen.
She moved into the room and sat next to Crais.
"Crais" lifted "Aeryn's" head with a gentleness and consideration that almost made Crichton jealous. Crais was now forced to look in Aeryn's eyes and she felt sadness wash over her when she looked at those haunted tormented eyes.
"Crais you can't let this happen to you. Do not sink into depression for something that might never happen. You are strong and if it becomes too much for you to bear on your own, we will be there for you. You are not alone, even when Talyn is away."
Crais tried to move his head away, the only reaction but she held a firm grip on his chin and he couldn't look away, He was embarrassed for his show of emotion and he closed his eyes.
Anger gripped Aeryn when she saw his reluctance to accept. The scowl appeared on Crais' brow, "Crais, frell, you're stronger than this. You've been through worse."
"You lost your life... twice, when you were taken as a child from your home and everything you knew, and later when you had the courage to walk away from your command.
Yes, we know that your life was forfeit if you didn't, but that still wouldn't have been enough for some people. It still required the courage to leave everything you knew and start all over again, alone and with nothing.
You've managed to get past the death of your brother.
"Well, this time, no one is dying. You aren't losing everything, and you're not going to be alone"... she smiled as she quipped..."even though there will probably be times that you'll wish you were."
Crichton jumped in, "Too bad, Crais. You'll just have to learn to deal with it, and with us. We're your family now, like it or not. You know how they say you can't pick your relatives... well, maybe not.
"Anyway, we're you're friends too. Doesn't matter if we all have our prickly moments. We deal with them. We've had enough of them among ourselves. Probably wouldn't have the connections with each other that we do, if we didn't go through the bad times as well as the good.
I'll bet that Talyn is going to have as hard a time separating for a while from you, too. But you wouldn't really want him tied to your apron strings all his life, would you?"
Both Sebaceans turned to look at the Human.
"What? What now?"
Aeryn shook her head and Crais frowned, "What are apron strings?"
Crichton laughed relieved, "What was it that got your attention, Crais? We have tried almost everything we could throw at you and no reaction. What did the trick?"
Crais stood up from the bed, a calm had settled over Aeryn's features. Somehow he had regained his mental equilibrium or at least gave the appearance to have done so. He turned to Aeryn, "You are right Aeryn, Talyn needs my strength to go and be... happy not my weakness. He will be upset as it is. He needs to find some happiness of his own making. If I weaken, he will feel this through the link. I will not allow this to happen."
Aeryn stood up and laid her hand on his shoulder, she looked into his dark eyes and saw the strength of his conviction, "I know you are doing the right thing Crais." She squeezed his shoulder. He straightened the shoulders.
"I would like to be alone for a little while," said Crais.
"You are not going to..." started Crichton.
"No," replied Crais, "I just need to be alone for a moment."
Crichton stood up, "Well, you know..."
Aeryn almost propelled Crichton out of the room, which was easier with Crais' strength guiding her hands.
.
Once outside Crichton turned to her and said in a loud whisper, "What about his own happiness? Is that what it all boils down to? First it was Tauvo he had to be strong for and now Talyn. Hey, he might not be high on my list of preferred wedding guests, well... maybe he is but that's besides the point... but isn't it time that he looked for some own happiness?"
"John, Crais knows what is right for Talyn... and for him. If this is the way he can deal with it, then let him. Don't try and undermine that thought again. He will have a hard enough time once Talyn will be gone. Don't make it harder on him than it already is."
"Yes, but you know, we all have our own needs. Sometimes we have to sacrifice, but it isn't natural to always sacrifice your needs either... or healthy.
"Haven't you ever wondered what Crais' life was like before Tauvo's death?"
"Crichton, I was there! He was Captain of a Command Carrier. He commanded a force of over 50,000--men, women, and children. He led, he was obeyed, he was feared."
"Was he loved?"
Aeryn turned to stare at Crichton. "Why would that matter? I mean, of course he recreated, had relationships..." Her voice faded away.
"The ogre we saw on the chip? The one who ordered the death of Moya's first pilot? The one who arrested Velorek? The conscript turned Captain?
"What was the reaction of your average Peacekeeper to him before he made good? And what about after that? Did anyone but Tauvo get to him? Did he let them? Would anyone have tried?"
"Was it better or worse for him that he knew there were other possibilities, other ways to live?"
Aeryn shook her head sadly, "We don't know John. Crais did have a reputation." She looked away and frowned.
They had walked further down the corridor but even so she kept her voice to a near whisper, "Yes the ogre we saw on the chip was Crais as well. You have to understand, Crais was a true Peacekeeper, we all were."
She leaned against the bulkhead, "Crais was ruthless in his execution of his work and totally obsessed with the Leviathan project. He was a harsh taskmaster. Drove his crew to the limits and beyond but he did that to himself as well. They knew he allowed them to make a mistake twice, the third time would mean a harsh punishment."
"Your average Mr Nice Guy," sneered Crichton.
Aeryn ignored his remark, "On the other hand, when someone did well or went beyond the call of duty the rewards were big. And it was no use taking the credit of someone else. He knew. Crais ran a tight ship. With strict rules and we all obeyed him. His temper was renowned and he didn't make a distinction when someone stepped over the line. High or low. The only exception might have been Tauvo but even he knew he couldn't push his brother too far."
She pushed herself away from the wall and walked further down the corridor, "One day, a little while after he took Command, he noticed bruises on a Tech's face and she had to confirm that she had been forced to recreate against her wishes. He found out who had done this. They had been Officers. Their punishment was harsh, painful and I doubt if they would have been able to produce offspring after that. Nobody dared it again under his command."
"Ouch," said Crichton, "Don't really know what to think of that but is nice to know that he had a set of rules which was alike for everyone."
"Crais didn't fraternise with anyone, high or low. Mostly ate in his quarters on his own or with his brother. Quite a few of the female crew had their designs on him but none of them ever seemed to make much of an impression on him. Well, not as far as was generally known, anyway.
He was known to have recreated. If he hadn't at all, that would have been a subject of conversation itself. But he didn't seem to participate often, and he didn't seem to have a favourite, regular partner either. Crichton, what are you getting at?"
Crichton looked at her, "I'm just wondering if Crais knows the true meaning of love, of caring or is this thing with Talyn just an obsession with him? Like his career had been or his brother."
Aeryn's eyes grew dark, "You don't understand what it is like to be a Peacekeeper, especially like Crais and Tauvo, conscripts. Conscripts have the added burden of emotion as a child. To show any of that and you're dead meat. They... we, for I am guilty as well, treated conscripts like things. They weren't people, they weren't true breds. If any of them showed emotion or cried, we made life hell for them. Some became tough, like Crais must have done, others cracked. Some committed suicide."
She sighed, "Maybe Crais loved Tauvo like an obsession. He was their only link to their past and maybe he loves Talyn as an obsession too, his only link to the future. Yes, I believe that Crais knows what love is. He just might not know how to express himself."
"Even I, whose life had been made easier as a true bred found it difficult to adept here on Moya in the beginning. And Crais had no one to help him with that. He only had Talyn and Talyn was very young, still is in many ways."
She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders.
"Whatever his past experience, all he can do now is to go forward and build upon what he knows.
"I had to become...more. I could no longer live as I once did, as I was once happy to. I tried to explain this to Henta."
Aeryn smiled sadly.
"We've all been challenged. We've all grown. D'Argo, Chiana, even Rygel is much improved."
Crichton glanced backward toward the chamber. "Well, we can all try to be there for him. We were there... here... for each other, although we've all sometimes made it more difficult than it needed to be.
I notice that you didn't include me in that list of the much improved."
Aeryn tried to smother a grin. "Well, you too, perhaps. With some species, it's more difficult to tell than with others."
She laughed outright and picked up her pace down the corridor. Crichton followed her, suddenly in a much-improved mood at least.
.
Part 36
.
Crais heard their laughter disappear down the corridor and part of him longed to be included in it.
He lay back on the bed and stared at Moya's ceiling. He was convincing himself of his intended action. Knew it was the right thing to do and the best option for Talyn. The nagging fear was still there, he knew he would not shake it that easily but the words of the others had rung true.
Talyn and he had grown so much closer together since that time that they had become Ship and Captain. The first two Cycles had not been easy for either of them. Crais had learned to talk, reason and coerce Talyn in taking his commands. He had stopped ordering the youngster about. Talyn now knew that if Crais reverted back to ordering him he did so with a reason.
Talyn had learned from Crais, reluctantly at times but now their thoughts flew as one. Talyn's instability was cured and it was beneficial to both.
In the last cycles their thoughts had become as one. That's how they saw themselves. Talyn had not been the mindless creature Crais had first believed him to be so. Talyn was complex, curious and Crais had revelled in the imparting of knowledge.
Crais had grown with Talyn, experiencing the new wonders through Talyn's eyes and both had been in awe when they saw the universe emerge. Crais saw the universe as Talyn did, in colours and sounds. He saw the universe different too. Living planets emanated sounds. The sheer beauty of it.
Yes, they had grown, together. The anxiety of losing his friend, companion and... son filled Crais with dread but it had to done. Talyn deserved his piece of happiness. He would be back. The way they had grown together strengthened their link. Talyn would be back, his doubts started to dissolve.
Crais wasn't even aware that he was slipping once more into a light sleep.
.
He suddenly jerked back into wakefulness, and looked around.
He was disoriented and had completely lost track of time. It didn't happen often and luckily the spell was of a passing kind.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and automatically touched the place where the transponder should have been to disconnect privacy mode. It was a habit. He dropped his hand, stood up and walked over to the refresher, shedding Aeryn's clothes while walking up there.
Before stepping into the stall he looked at himself... Aeryn in the mirror. His hand went up to his face, felt the smooth skin. Fine hair under his fingertips instead of the prickly sensation that was his beard.
It was strange to see his dark eyes look back at him from Aeryn's face. He touched the eyebrows. Straight and soft, less hair. The lips, almost like his own, thinner.
He resisted the urge to look further, past his collarbone. He had promised not to explore the rest of her, he kept to his promise and stepped under the cleaning sprays of the refresher. He enjoyed how the sprays touched his body. It was so different from his own.
Ten microns later he stepped out and towelled himself dry. He dressed quickly and bound his hair in a queue. Her hair, though straight, was more unruly to be wrapped in the leather thong than his own. He had expected differently.
.
Part 37
.
Crais left the room and made his way down various corridors to Pilot's control chamber. He slowly approached the creature, examining it in a slow and careful way which he never had before.
When he had commanded his Leviathan project, he had regarded these aliens in a very cavalier fashion.
Yes, they were famous for their multitasking capabilities. But look at them? Could such odd, almost primitive seeming creatures ever be regarded as equals, or even nearly so?
That was how he had once thought of these aliens.
He had himself spent the last several cycles as the bonded pilot of a Leviathan. Not just any Leviathan... the most unique Leviathan who had soared through galactic space.
He had experienced sensory marvels such as no Sebacean ever had before. He had *felt* space. He knew what it was like to be a pilot, and he knew that the immense crustacean before him, even though relatively new to his job also, had experienced things that he himself could never hope to. He felt respect for the creature, and almost a kind of kinship, and a sense of shame at the treatment of this pilot, its predecessor, and the Leviathan they had both been partnered with.
Crais' scrutiny drew the attention of Pilot, ~Can I help you Captain Crais?~
Crais canted his head in contemplation, "I don't... I'm not sure, Pilot." He sat on one of the protrusions of the console and sighed. He looked in the vast chamber that stretched before him, for the moment avoiding eye-contact with Pilot. He worked his jaw muscles.
"I have not been fair to you or any of the Pilots and Leviathans under my command in the past."
Pilot tilted his head and stayed silent, not quite sure which way Crais was going with the conversation.
Crais looked briefly down at Aeryn's hands before looking at the chamber again, "I have treated you unfairly, thinking of you as... beasts... mindless creatures,,, I didn't know any better... then.
I know different now. Your species have an intelligence that supersedes ours. It would have been easy for you to point that out to us."
~We could, Captain but we chose not to do so," replied Pilot in his clipped tones, ~My species like to explore, to see space and meet other species. Unfortunately, we cannot survive in space on our own. The Leviathans provide us with that~
"And you offer companionship in return," answered Crais.
~Yes, we do. The Leviathans are of solitary nature on their own but they love to share their experience but no one can understand them. We do~
"I know and understand that now," said Crais gently. He turned to Pilot, "Since I have been linked to Talyn I have come to understand more than I could ever learn from the Peacekeepers or anybody else. I cannot share the wonders I have seen, felt or heard with others, since I do not know the words to describe them."
He frowned and looked in deliberation at the console, "I have come to understand that Leviathans are very intelligent and curious. I apologise for my former ignorance."
Pilot looked up, ~This is rare indeed. I will accept your apologies also on behalf of Moya~
Crais nodded.
~But that is not the only reason you are here, aren't you Captain~ Pilot said with a hint of understanding.
"No," admitted Crais, "I need to know...how is Talyn doing? I have found this enforced separation from him quite distressing, much more so than I would have expected it to be.
~Talyn has been much more stable the last few cycles. He has grown in experience, in understanding, far beyond his previous condition~
"Still, this has been somewhat of a shock for me. I am concerned regarding how well Talyn is handling this.
You are in constant contact with Moya, and she and Talyn have likewise been connected to each other throughout this...these last hours.
Pilot, I desire...can you assure me that Talyn is not unduly distressed by this enforced separation?"
~Captain Crais, I can confirm that Talyn has calmed down since Aeryn explained the situation to him. He was distressed at first when contact was broken but now that he understands that the duration is only short and not life threatening or of an extended nature he is resigned and quite happy to wait~
Crais started pacing. Pilot was surprised by this reaction. He had thought that Crais would be happy to know that Talyn was taking it so well. Yet, the thoughtful frown he saw appear on Aeryn's face was contrary to what he expected, ~You are troubled Crais?~
Crais stopped and sat down again. It was obvious that he found it difficult to breach the next subject, "I was going to talk to Talyn about something but now I am not sure if what I propose to do is right. Would you mind using privacy mode and discuss this with me?"
Pilot was puzzled, ~Captain Crais, this is an unusual request. Yes, I can engage privacy mode but I do not want to distress Moya unduly. I could ask her not to convey any of this conversation to Talyn. For I take it that he is your major concern?~
Crais nodded, "Yes, I wanted to discuss this with Talyn but I might need your advise in certain matters first."
Pilot stayed silent for mere microts while he communicated with Moya then he looked back at Crais, ~Moya has agreed to leave Talyn out of the conversation but expresses the wish to listen to our conversation in case it could harm Talyn~
"Agreed," replied Crais, "The question is this, "Talyn has made it known that he is in need of the companionship of other Leviathans... female Leviathans."
Crais hesitated for a moment and then began again. In the interim, Pilot had remained silent, merely watching the Sebacean, expectantly. He had not taken the opportunity to point out that Talyn had spent much time these last few cycles with Moya, and she was definitely a female Leviathan.
"During our travels, we have occasionally met with female Leviathans, as well as a few small groups of immature males. Several monens ago, we even were inspected at rather close range by a full grown male. He was by far the largest Leviathan I have ever seen--he was well over half again the size of Moya. After what seemed a quite thorough inspection, he moved off without any obvious attempt to join in communication with Talyn and myself.
The male's lack of interest in a more intimate relationship was not a problem, but it has become clear to me that the situation regarding the females is very different.
Talyn has made it known to me that he needs...more personal contact...with appropriate females.
Once, as a Peacekeeper officer, I did not see Leviathan social needs as being any of my concern. Now, as Talyn's... pilot... I find that those needs are as important to me as though they were my own...as, in a sense, they are."
Crais met the gaze of Moya's pilot as directly as he could.
"What I mean to say...one of the things I mean to say...is that I need to know just what Talyn's needs are, and how best they may be fulfilled."
The shrill little voice sounding though the back of his mind half wailed, half growled, *And will he leave me? ...and will he return?* and a host of other questions which began to run into each other, but Crais, despite a degree of difficulty, was able to stifle it temporarily.
"What must I do to help Talyn? Am I correct in my supposition that I am standing in his way? I am aware that we all need connections with our own kind." (wondering to himself as he voiced that particular thought, Was it true? Where did that idea come from?).
He found himself needing to exert the greatest control in order to not devolve into shouting the questions he had heard inside his head, and felt in his heart.
Pilot regarded the Sebacean in front of him. He could see the anguish of Crais' unspoken words reflected on Aeryn's visage. Could see how the hands had gripped the console hard enough to make the hands looks almost white in order to keep control over himself.
He lifted his head at Crais, ~You are speaking of... recreation of Talyn with other Leviathans~
"Not necessarily recreation only. He needs to communicate with them, find himself. Am I an obstacle in his development? Am I holding him back? I need to know, Pilot. He is..." Crais could not continue and sat down.
~Captain Crais, your symbiosis with Talyn has become more than a link between Pilot and Leviathan, hasn't it? You don't see him like a mere ship or travelling companion~
"Yes," replied Crais softly, "He is my friend. The son I might never have." Crais closed his eyes, he had been able to admit it to others and to himself, "I'm afraid that I might loose him, that he will never return to me but I know I have to let him go... for a short period. To let him be on his own."
~Crais, he will return. He is as lost without you as you are without him. You did not feel his distress when he was suddenly cut away from your thoughts~
Crais nodded, he had expected it but needed to hear it voiced.
~It is true that you might hold him back while you are on board. Talyn might suppress some of his urges in communications and other... considerations. It might be good for both of you to be separated for a short spell~
Crais nodded, he leaned with the back of his head to the console.
~Captain, he will return. He doesn't want to be separated from you either. He has more than once joyfully and enthusiastically explained to Moya that he regards you alternately as brother, friend, and father. He feels that increasingly, you and he have begun to exchange the roles of teacher and student~
~That is entirely consistent and appropriate in the context of Leviathan-pilot relationships~
~In fact, in cases where the two partners are of opposite sexes, especially when they both match each other well in terms of their emotional makeup and development, the relationship sometimes comes to border on that of lovers, although obviously there is no physical consummation in the usually accepted sense~
~On the other hand, a Leviathan and his or her pilot are usually physically joined, unlike your situation with Talyn. It is no mere coincidence that my nutrients...my bodily fluids, flow to me via Moya~
~Moya was very concerned for a long time whether you meant well toward her first-born. She remembered vividly, and still does, her treatment at Peacekeeper hands~
Crais hung his head dejectedly, "I know, Pilot. Once I had treated Leviathans as did all Peacekeepers but that was before I was linked with Talyn. Now that I have an idea what goes on between Pilot and Leviathan I treat it differently and I feel ashamed how I used to behave. If it is any solace, I offer her my apologies for that behaviour."
~Moya accepts you apologies, Captain. She also knows that you only have Talyn's well being in mind. No longer is she afraid that you might want to hurt Talyn or any other Leviathan. She sees you as Talyn's Pilot now~
Crais accepted the honour Moya put on him.
"I will try and explain to Talyn that our separation will benefit him. Although it pains me to loose him for even a short while, I also know that I have to trust him to return. I will convince him."
~Moya thanks you for your consideration. I know how you feel Crais. Since I am physically linked to Moya I will never be able to be separated from her, not that I want to, the fact is I can't. Should I have been able to do so I would go through the same doubts as you are going through now. You have my sympathies~
Crais stood up, this time his resolve was stronger and Pilot could detect the strength, which had been lacking when he had entered the Den, return in Crais' stance.
Crais turned to him with a smile, "Thank you, Pilot."
~You're welcome Captain~
Crais left the Den.
Before he had gotten more than 20 feet down the corridor, he stopped. After a moment's pause, he turned around and once again re-entered the den.
He made his way half the distance to the giant alien.
"Pilot, I never asked you. I never thought of it as important, before. It occurs to me now that not doing so was an error on my part, as well as being an intentional, and later, not so intentional, sign of disrespect. I would like to correct that, now.
Pilot, may I know your name?"
The creature in question looked at Crais with an amused smile, ~Captain Crais you will not be able to pronounce it. It would be very hard on your vocal cords~
"I would still like to know," said Crais resolutely.
~All right~ said Pilot. He spoke his name in the tongue of the people of his planet and was surprised when he saw Crais cant his head who seemed to listen very carefully.
"Could you repeat it once more?"
Pilot did and saw Crais smile. ~Captain Crais, what is so amusing?~
"You are right, I will not be able to repeat this orally but once I am linked to Talyn again it will be a pleasure to address you by your given name."
Pilot was clearly embarrassed and flattered, ~Will you be able to do so?~
"When we are linked, yes. Thank you Pilot." He said his goodbyes and left the Den, silently repeating the name of Pilot in his mind.
He felt a sense of satisfaction and rightness.
He proceeded toward the observation chamber.