Author's Note: Thanks so much for the reviews! I am glad that you like it! I was bored in American Fiction today so I decided I may as well write the next chapter. I forgot to mention that all of the internal dialogues are occurring on the same night, hence the other character interaction. The characters are not mine and I make no money off of this – then again, I don't imagine anyone would jump and down to pay for this story.
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People never cease to amaze me. Just when I think I have seen the very darkest parts of the human soul, something will happen that makes me wonder if there are any limits to what people are capable of doing to one another. Take tonight for example. I am sitting here, surrounded by tonight's cases and each is more troubling then the last. I am just reeling from the horrific nature of them. There was a gang rape of a thirty-eight year old woman at a motel just off the strip. She had been out drinking and ended up going with some man back to his room where he and his buddies took turns violating her. One bad decision destroyed her life. There was a young boy whose father beat him to death with a TV remote because he changed the channel accidentally during a pivotal moment in the basketball game. The father was trying to gamble off his debts and his frayed nerves combined with too much to drink caused him to do the unthinkable. There was woman in her mid-twenties that was stabbed to death by an unknown assailant on her way to her car after spending the evening at a friend's house. The guy took her wallet and left her bleeding to death in the street. She had tried to crawl back to her friend's house, but died on the front lawn. Someone killed her for whatever little money was in her wallet. Like I said, I am always amazed by a person's capacity for evil.
It's that last case that is really getting to me tonight. Every time I hear about a young woman who is the victim of a crime, part of me thinks of Ellie. I worry about her so much, even though I am for all intents and purposes dead to her. But still, I can't help but be concerned for her. I wake up terrified every morning that today will be the day that I investigate her death. I love her so much, which is made painful by the fact that the emotion is not reciprocated. She likes me, and will tolerate my protective nature, but she has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't love me. The last time we spoke on the phone was over 2 months ago and as usual ended in a fight between us. I urged her to curb her wild ways and she told me that it was her life and she could throw it away if she wanted. Tempers flared and she finished the conversation by screaming: "I hate you! From now on, you don't have a daughter!".
Those were the last words I ever heard her speak to me.
I have tried to find her, but she has disappeared. I feel sometimes like I don't even have a daughter. If Ellie had her way, that would be a reality.
But I can't allow myself to dwell on the past tonight. I have a job to do. This job, even with all the bad that comes with it, is the best thing in my life. I love this job, even if I occasionally feel like I am playing second fiddle to Grissom and his team. Sometimes I think that my only purpose is to show up at the scene, make some snappy and maybe make an arrest or two. Actually, that's not fair. I like being the one to make the sarcastic comments. At least I have managed to keep a sense of humor. I like being the one who makes the jokes and witty quips. I don't know if they are always appreciated, but if I can raise a smile even once, then I think I am doing alright. If I can't bring a bit of levity to these types of grave situations, then I will just go mad. I think that the CSI's admire my ability to keep it light, even when things are incredibly bleak. They know that deep down I am just as concerned as they are about the victims of these crimes. It's this understanding and unspoken union that keeps me from begrudging them, even if they get all the glory and I get any blame. They are good people. They are my family now. I mean, Gil and Catherine are just wonderful people who are so knowledgeable about, not only the job, but life in general. You can always count on them to put things in perspective for you. Warrick and Nick, well they bring a sort of friendly competition to the job. They both want to be the best, which means that they always give two hundred percent effort. Greg brings that enthusiasm of youth to the job. I know some people get annoyed with him, but you can always count on him to bring a smile to your face. And Sara….
"Hey Jim?" a voice interrupts my thoughts. Well, speak of the devil.
"Hi Sara. What can I do for you?"
"It's what I can do for you. I wanted to see if you wanted anything from the deli. I am making a food run, and you look like you could stand to get a little bit of nutrients into your system."
"Well, I doubt that anything at the deli is bursting with nutrients. I think I'll pass."
She fixes me with a look. "You need to eat!" she admonishes me. "You're wasting away to practically nothing". I glance down at my belly and roll my eyes at her.
"If I agree to food, will you stop insulting my physique?" She laughs out loud then.
"Deal. So what'll it be?"
"Pastrami on rye, no mustard."
"That's better" Her eyes twinkle with approval. She starts to leave.
"Drive carefully" The words slip out of my mouth before I know it. She winks at me.
"Yes, Dad". She leaves my office.
Okay, I know she was teasing me. But it's been a long time since anyone called me Dad. Ellie always called me Jim, as if she couldn't stand to admit that I held any paternal power over her. But hearing Sara say it makes me realize how much I miss having a daughter. But it's too late with Ellie. She has made the decision not to be my daughter anymore.
But if I did have a daughter, I would want her to be just like Sara.