"Heart and soul
I begged to be adored
Lost control
And tumbled overboard..."
H. Charmichael/F. Loesser/Larry Clinton/Helen Ward, Heart & Soul
There's something wrong with Dr. Crane.
Everyone thinks I don't notice... Daphne's busy doing the housework, she couldn't possibly know. She'd never notice that glimmer of pain in his eyes. She wouldn't notice that there are more frown lines on his face than there ever were before. But I do. How could I not notice that there was something wrong with one of my best friends?
I am a sensitive sort of person -- and my psychic abilities only add to the fact that I notice. I always used to know when there was a feud going on with Simon, Nigel, Michael and Billy. They'd never look each other directly in the eye -- then again, Simon and Nigel never looked Billy in the eye... mostly because they were disturbed that he was wearing Mum's mascara. But there was just something about them. An aura, so to speak.
Dr. Crane has an aura, as well. A very, very sad one. It makes me wonder what's happened.
I suppose it could be his divorce, although the way he spoke of the former Mrs. Crane, she wasn't a very decent human being. I can't possibly imagine anyone taking advantage of a man as kind as Dr. Crane. It's just a horrible thing. And all those times he'd come over, feeling absolutely horrible and looking the part... It's enough to make a person sick.
But, people get away with horrible things these days, and innocent people get put through hell. It's sort of like that saying, "What goes around comes around", except for the fact that some people never get whats coming to them, and others get everything they never deserved...
I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm sitting here, driving around the outskirts of Seattle and wallowing in self pity as I listen to The Dr. Frasier Crane Show. It only goes to show how desperately I need someone to tell me everything will be fine... How impossible I feel it is to ask for that sort of reassurance.
Today's theme is love, which is both horrible and sadistically ironic. It seems as though my brother is doing this show on my behalf. As if he knows how badly I need something to tell me everything will be alright. I guess he does, as I've spent the last few nights on the phone with him from dusk until he insists I hang up the damn reciever and get some sleep.
Sleep just makes me never want to wake up.
Frasier's on the line with a woman named Jen, who claims her husband doesn't love her anymore. If she's half as wonderful as Daphne is, I think her argument is unstable.
As I'm listening to my brother, dispensing advice like a vending machine, I notice my cell phone, sitting easily on the dashboard of my car. I know the number to his show... he gives it out just before every commercial break. I want to call. I need to call...
Suddenly, I'm sitting on the side of the road, shutting off my car, and dialing a number that feels familiar, even though I've never called in before.
"You've reached the Dr. Frasier Crane Show," Roz says into my ear. "What's your name, and your problem?"
"Roz, it's Niles..."
She sounds surprised. "Niles? God, what're you doing, calling the show?"
"Look," I say. "whatever you do, put me on next. Don't tell Frasier it's really me... I'll let you have the joy of giving me a pseudonym, and I'm fairly sure you know my problem..."
Dead air. Within seconds, I hear my brother's radio-voice, "Welcome, Alvin, and please, explain the nature of your puzzle..."
Alvin...? Damn Roz's sense of humor.
"Well," I say. "The love of my life's getting married... and not to me."
The rest comes out -- although names are either neglected or changed -- in a heap of words strung together with choking sobs and tears that I've been crying over and over again. Frasier does know it's me. He tries to be diplomatic about his advice, but ends up giving me the same thing I've been hearing for the past two or three weeks: "Alvin, I know you love this woman. I can tell by the tone of your voice when you speak about her... But it's either tell her how you feel and risk everyone's happiness, or stand by in silence and watch her enjoy her life. The choice is yours..."
"Can't you lead me in the right direction, Dr. Crane? I've been nearly suicidal ever since I found out..."
"No... I... I'm afraid I can't."
I'm sure he can hear me crying through the speakerphone.