Author's Note: Ok, so I know that this chapter has been a long time coming. I was really trying to come up with plausible stories for the coroners, but alas, that wasn't meant to be. I just can't get a feel for those characters so I finally decided to omit them from the story. Sorry! I still don't own the characters or the show – if I did, it would air every night!
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Sometimes I feel like the village idiot.
I'm not saying that I am a stupid person; I know I'm not. But sometimes I get the feeling that everyone around here looks at me like some sort of buffoon. Like I am some sort of clown, here for the sole purpose of making everyone laugh. I hate that feeling. I'm glad that people find me light hearted but I don't like it when they give me the look. You know the look I mean – the one that they give you when they are wondering if you are being stupid on purpose. It's the look that makes me feel about two inches tall. It's the look that makes me want to crawl under the table and hide until I feel somewhat intelligent again.
It is the look that Grissom gives me all the time.
I think he knows that I am a valuable member of the team. Of course, with Grissom you can never be too sure of anything. He has said things that make me think that he appreciates my abilities, but he has never come right out and said so. He either gives me some sort of pseudo compliment in order for me to make his evidence a priority, or he gives me the look. Still, I think he considers me to be an important part of the team. Even if he doesn't know it, I do. I am a crucial part of the team. Which is why it bothers me that I am on the receiving end of the look a whole lot. Every time I have to talk to him I wonder if he'll give me the look. You think I would be used to the look by now, but I'm not. Every time I get the look, I want to disappear. The worst part of the look is that I know that I have the answers Grissom needs, yet he always manages to make me feel like I am the dumbest person alive. He doesn't like the way I present the information to him. I know that. I guess I knew it all along, but he confirmed it when he asked me why I always presented information with the theatrics and the drama. He came right out and called me on the way that I make a big production of giving him the answers he's looking for. He put me on the spot and I blurted out the truth:
"Because you make me nervous".
Oh God, how I wish I hadn't said that. I wish I had said anything but that. I showed him my true colors. Now he knows that he has that kind of power over me. I should have lied. I should have told him that I present the information the way that I do because…..well, I suppose there really is no good explanation for my presentation style. It's just me being me. Still, anything would have been better than the truth. Now every time I get the look, I know that he knows how I really feel. It was better when I was just getting the look because he thought that I was a goof off or a bit of a dork. But now I get the look and he knows that he is the reason that I act this way. Thanks a lot Grissom.
Now I am sure that people around here wonder why, if it bothers me so much, I don't just change my attitude. And to tell you the truth, I have thought about trying to be more serious. I have tried dressing more conservatively. I don't play my music in the lab as much anymore. My general demeanor is more subdued. Yet I still get the looks. This leads me to believe that no matter how hard you try, your reputation can't be erased. Over time it will erode, but it will always be there, lingering in the background. I don't think I have a bad reputation. I just think that it would be nice to have a reputation that is not limited to: "Greg's a goof, but he gets the job done". I don't mind being a goof. Believe me, I would rather be the way that I am then be like someone such as Ecklie. Now there is a guy who needs a change in attitude. He needs to lighten up. And much as I may hate the look that Grissom gives me, at least I don't get the look that Ecklie gets. He gets the looks that could cause you to freeze on the spot. Yeah, I'll stick to the look that I get. It may be condescending, but at least I don't have to worry about a hole being burned through my soul.
Sorry, I started rambling. Where was I? Oh yeah, my attitude. So I have been trying to change, to be a bit more professional. And even though I know that it is a change for the better, I can't help but feel like an imposter. I feel like I am a shadow of my former self. I remember when I started here and I had the wild, carefree attitude. Sure it rubbed some people the wrong way, but I felt like I helped lighten up the atmosphere around here. This place can be really depressing if you let it, and I know that I was able to bring a little relief to the days of the team. They would come in, I would be my usual un-cool self, give them the information they needed, and they would leave here with a smile on their faces.
Except for Grissom.
Argh! I need to stop harping on that. I don't know why I care so much. It's not like I do a bad job, so I don't need to worry about him trying to get rid of me. I just wish he liked me more. It really sucks when you feel like your boss can only think of you in terms of your goofiness. I know that he knows that I do good work, but it sure would be nice for him to say it once in a while. Instead, I get the look. Dear God, how I hate the look. If I ruled the world, that look would be the first thing to go. Well, that and celery. I really dislike celery…..
Thankfully, the big boss comes in at this moment and breaks they bizarre train of thought that I was about to go off on. I look up and see Grissom standing next to me with a bag of evidence in his hand.
"Greg, I need you to run a DNA test on these clothes that were obtained from a rape victim. Run the results through the database and see if you can find a match."
"Will do." I don't want to say more because my mind is still stuck on how much I hate the look. I am almost afraid to look at him for fear that he will be giving me said look. I start to sort through the sample he has given me.
He is about to leave when he turns back to look at me. "Hey Greg?"
"Yeah?"
"Catherine told me that you came in on your own time today to run some samples on that murder from a couple of nights ago."
I nod. It's true; I came in early today because I had been frustrated with the lack of answers that my tests had produced. "Yeah, I came in. I had some free time and wanted to try and solve the problem for you. I guess I wasted my time – I didn't find anything. Sorry."
He shakes his head at me. "Don't apologize. I brought it up because I wanted to tell you that you didn't have to do that. You don't have to push yourself so hard."
"Yes I do" I blurt this out without thinking. God, why do I keep doing this? I need to stop giving him reasons to give me the look.
"Greg, I know you push yourself because you want to impress……the team" he hesitates for a second, watching my face. I give him what I hope is an impassive look. He continues. "But you need to know that we…I think you do a great job. And you don't need to spend what little personal time you have coming in here to try and prove that."
Funny, his face has the same kind of look that mine must have when I told him that he makes me nervous. He is wearing that expression that suggests that he just revealed a little bit too much. He looks slightly flustered and he mutters a good bye and leaves my lab. Well, this is interesting. Gil Grissom actually giving me a compliment? I can't help but smile like a big dork. I got a look from him today but for once it wasn't one that made me feel dumb. It was a look of admiration and suddenly things are so much more worthwhile. I know the truth now. Grissom admitted that I do a good job. He conveyed something that resembled human emotion. This is awesome! I would love to jump around the lab, pumping my fists but that might seem over the top. So instead I will settle for running tests on this evidence, trying to live up to Grissom's newly revealed attitude about me. For the first time in a long time, I feel less like the village idiot and more like a valued member of this cohesive unit. I am a knowledgeable, appreciated member of this team….who happens to be a big dork.
But I think I like it better that way.