Author's Note: Long time no see! I know I have a ton of stories that are in dire need of completion, but I have had zero time lately as I am in my last year of university (*does a mini victory dance*). It's a small miracle that this story is seeing an update! As I find a moment of spare time ("Hello? Spare time? Where are you?") I will update my works. I hope that there are people out there who are still interested in my stories; if so, please indicate this with reviews. Since its been a while, let me remind you: I do not own CSI or any of its characters.
* * *
I need a vacation from my life.
I know I should count my blessings and all that, but sometimes I wish I could put my whole life on hold and just be someone else for a while. I wouldn't need to be someone rich and famous; just someone who doesn't require a Herculean effort to get through the day.
It never used to be this hard you know. But lately my life is moving so fast that I have simply stopped trying to keep up. What's even more frightening then the lightening fast speed with which my life moves is the fact that it feels like it's spiraling out of control. And for a control freak like me, that is a terrifying prospect. I mean, if I can't control my life, what can I control?
Now, much as I wish I could blame work for making my life this way, it's not. Outsiders might think that the hours I put in at work are the root cause of my stress and problems, but that is not the truth. The truth is my life is out of control because I let it get that way. One bad choice snowballed into another, and before I knew it, I was on the outside of my life looking in. I'm not certain that I can pinpoint that pivotal first mistake, but I do know that some of my more recent judgments have surely been a consequence of it.
Like the explosion in the lab. On the list of stupid mistakes I've made, that definitely ranks in the top five. I still can't think about that day without shuddering at my own stupidity. I could have killed someone. I very nearly did. I have been trying to redeem myself with Greg ever since. He says that he forgives me, but I still can't seem to forgive myself. That's why I keep trying to draw him into my cases. He wants to learn, and I want to feel better about myself, so it's very natural that I utilize his talents. Oh, I would have helped him even if I hadn't almost killed him; I see a great deal of potential there. However, my motives are entirely self-serving, since all I can think about every time he works with me is that I have paid off another piece of my debt to him. Of course, the decision to use Greg's help instead of someone experienced has raised more than a few eyebrows and ruffled more than a few feathers.
Especially Sara's.
Ah, Sara. The way I have been acting towards her lately is another mistake of mine. I've been really harsh on her. I am critical to her face and behind her back. I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that I cut her down as a peer, or the fact that I plant seeds of doubt in the mind of her superior. It's not that I doubt her abilities or work ethic. She is a very good CSI and she puts a hundred and ten percent effort into every case that she works on. No, I get critical about her because of Grissom. It's not because I have any feelings for Gil other than a deep friendship, I swear. It's not even because I think that if they got together it would be a terrible mismatch. In fact, I think that they are as compatible as two people can be. But the reason I worry is because if Grissom and Sara got together, I fear that they would end up the way Eddie and I did. I don't think that they would ever screw around on one another with someone else. But the fact of the matter is that they are already married - to their work. If they engaged in any sort of personal relationship that went beyond the lab, work would become the lover that comes between them. They would end up feeling violated and hurt, and I don't want that for either one of them. I don't want them to end up like Eddie and I - angry, bitter and jealous all of the time. I don't wish that for anyone. It's because of those fears that I try and drive a wedge between Sara and Grissom. I express certain misgivings about her to Grissom, trying to make him keep his distance. I hide my personal concerns under the guise of professional ones. I should let them make their own choices and mistakes, I know. But life around the lab has been so fragile lately that I fear one more crisis would break us completely.
You think it ends there, right? Ha! If it's not work, it's the pathetic illusion of a personal life that is driving me away from myself. Since Eddie died, I haven't been able to even think about another man without feeling unfaithful to my deceased ex-husband. I don't know why I should feel that way, since Eddie and I were divorced for some time and out of love with one another for some time before that. It's ridiculous to even think about, since Ed and I were barely on speaking terms while he was still alive. Yet I still feel guilty for even thinking about dating someone else now that Eddie is gone. Then I start feeling angry, because even in death Eddie is interfering with my life. Then I start feeling guilty again for feeling angry. And it goes around and around again until I am dizzy with emotion and don't even remember what I should be feeling at the moment.
That's why I need a vacation from my life for a while. Let me escape somewhere where the sun shines all the time on me. Let the dark clouds roll away from my horizon. Give me some respite from the weariness and the anger. Give me some solitude from everything, even my thoughts. Give me a break from my worries. Give me the sunshine back.
I am daydreaming of this idyllic vacation instead of working, which is how Brass finds me some time later. He waves his hand in front of my face to get my attention, which startles me, which leads to me spilling coffee all over the table and floor. Surprise, surprise - another mess in the life of Catherine.
"Geez, sorry Cat. I didn't mean to startle you." he apologizes as he helps me clean up. "What were you thinking about anyways?"
"A vacation. A nice, long vacation."
"I hear that. But I don't think I'll be seeing one of those until the next time the Red Sox win the pennant. No rest for the wicked I guess."
I smile at his grumblings. I'm used to them by now. Brass and I commiserate about the job all the time.
"So what can I do for you, oh wicked one?" I ask.
He grins. "Actually, nothing. I found this a minute ago, as I was cleaning my desk, and I thought you might want it."
He hands me a photograph. I recognize it immediately. It was from the most recent holiday party. Everyone in the lab is there, smiling brightly. Perhaps a little too brightly, an effect of too much drink and laughter that evening. Lindsay is sitting on my lap, looking as innocent as only a child can look. Everyone is so happy in that picture. I am suddenly overcome with joy and wonder at the people I have in my life. I look at Brass.
"Thank you" I say, staring at the photo. He touches my arm.
"Don't mention it. Now get back to work"
I laugh as he leaves. I take the photo and hurry to the locker room, where I immediately tape it to the inside of my door so that those smiling faces can greet me at the start of every shift and bid me farewell when I leave.
So there are some things wrong with my life right now. But there are an awful lot of things right with it too. The photo proves that. I guess you just have to take the bad with the good. I remember a quote I read once, though the author escapes me: Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Sure, a vacation from my life would be nice. And some sunshine would be a nice change from the clouds that have been hovering over me. But I need those clouds too. They teach me lessons and allow me to grow as a person.
Besides, even the sun burns if you get too much of it.