Final Sun 9
Author: So, are all of you ready to start?
Everyone: No.
Author: Whatever. Let's begin with the starting scene.
Felix: Oh, how unusual. We're going to start a story at the starting. Woot.
Author: Stuff it. Let's begin.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Scene: A raging ocean)
(A tiny boat is seen in the storm with two hooded and cloaked characters inside)
???: How much further?
?????: How should I know?
???: Why do you have more "?s" in your name than me?
?????: Because I'm your-
???: Shh! We can't let on to people who haven't played FF9 yet!
?????: Then why did you ask?
???: Uh, well… um… hey, look! A big wave! And it's coming for us!
?????: Nuts.
(The wave catches them and dumps the characters out of the boat, to be sent under the raging waters forever…… Or at least until a passing seagull pulls them out)
(Scene suddenly switches to a palace room. Inside, the beautiful Princess Sheba has just awoken from a nap)
Sheba: Gee, that was a weird dream. I wonder what that was all about.
(Sheba goes to the window and opens it, so she can stare at the seagulls. How interesting. Not.)
Sheba: Shut up unless you want me to Spark Plasma you.
(Picky)
Sheba: Whatever.
(I don't like you. Let's change the scene)
(Camera pans up to show several birdies flying past a huge ship)
(Scene: Interior of said ship)
(Ivan slides down a pole and lands on his butt)
Ivan: Ow. Dammit. My hands got burned again. (walks over to the door and pushes it)
(The door refuses to budge)
Ivan: … (pulls the door)
(The door still doesn't open)
Ivan: Okay, whatever. (casts Tempest and blows down the door)
(Enters the room)
Ivan: …
(I SAID, enter the room)
Ivan: But I'm scared of the dark…
(Backstage)
Felix: Sheba chose this wimp over me. I don't believe it.
Jenna: Are you ever going to stop ranting about this?
Felix: No.
(Front stage)
Ivan: … (musters up courage and steps through the door)
Ivan: Mommy…
(…)
(… …)
(………)
Author: Ivan, light the damn candles.
Ivan: How? I don't have a match or anything.
Garet: (rolls eyes) Here. ~Flare~ (From here on, this symbols will be used to mean the casting of psynergy or usage of a certain skill. This has absolutely nothing to do with a certain author's identical representation of the skill, although the look awfully similar. I'm not fooling anyone, am I? Crap. Well, uh… These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along. Crap. It's not working.)
Ivan: Garet…
Garet: Yes?
Ivan: You set the carpet on fire.
Garet: 0_o
Author: Mia! Get in here and put out the fire!
Mia: (backstage) Not unless you agree to change my role!
Author: (sighs) I don't have time for this. Picard!
Picard: (backstage) I would suggest changing my role to that of a male gender before we discuss this.
Author: Argh. Alex!
Alex: Fine. ~Deluge~
(The fire is put out)
Author: Good. Now we can continue the parody.
Ivan: Blrgleurgle.
Author: Huh?
Ivan: Blugglugglug.
Author: What?
Mia: Hang on. I can translate this. Lessee… I'm… drowning… you… numb… skull…
Author: Oh… uh, sorry about that.
Alex: (sighs) ~Parch~
Author: When did you learn that?
Alex: When I absorbed the powers of the Golden Sun. And soon, I shall slay Isaac, and the power of Mars shall be mine! Mine, I say!
Author: …Right.
(Back in the room with the candles, which are somehow still lit despite the sudden rush of water)
Ivan: Now I have to wait for the rest of the crew to show up. I wonder who they are…
Mysterious voice: Who's there?
Strange voice: It's a member of the crew, duh.
Weird voice: I could've told you that.
Ivan: Wait a sec. Those voices…
(A door opens, and out comes…)
Ivan: o_0 Kaga, Ouranos, and Sean?
Ouranos: It's us!
Sean: Wow. You know our names.
Ivan: Wait… if the crew is the people on the Tolbi ship, then…
(Another door opens)
(The Captain dressed as a giant anchor leaps in)
Kaga: Captain? What are you doing?
Captain: We will do battle!
Ivan: Dressed like that?!
Captain: Do not mock the power of the anchor! Prepare to die!
Ivan: If you say so…
(Enter battle mode!)
All: …
(What?)
Ivan: Can you not do that?
(Nobody likes me…)
Captain: You will not strike first? Fine! Then I shall show you the anchor's strength! (attacks and whacks Ivan with an anchor)
Ivan: Ow… Let me see my skillset… Steal? I guess extra stuff's not bad. ~Steal~
* You stole Viagra! *
Ivan: On second thought…
Felix: (backstage) You sure could use it, though!
Ivan: Oh, you do NOT want to go there, prissy boy.
Felix: (backstage) Prissy boy?!
Ivan: Who's the one with hair down to his shoulders?
Felix: (backstage) It makes me look cool!
Ivan: Oh? And who's the one with a group of fanboys who'd give their life for me?
Felix: (backstage) Don't make me come and wipe the floor with you, blondie!
Ivan: As if you could…
Felix: (backstage) -_-+ (starts forward, but is stopped by a rampaging horde of FBMs)
FBMs: You shall not touch Ivan while we live!
Ivan: (smirks)
Felix: Grrrr… fine.
Ouranos: Can we get this on with? (attacks the captain)
Ivan: Fine. ~Spark Plasma~
Captain: x_x
Ivan: (filing fingernails)
Captain: The… anchor… has been defeated? NO! Impossible! (starts sobbing)
Ivan: This guy has got issues. Serious issues.
Sean: I concur.
(Scene: The streets of Tolbi)
(A flying ship that looks an awful lot like Picard's is flying above the streets. Isaac on the ground looks up and trips over a small stone)
Isaac: %*&#!
Author: Somehow I don't see Vivi cursing that much…
Isaac: Well, I'm not Vivi, am I?
Author: No, but you're supposed to act like him…
Isaac: Screw that.
Author: (sighs) Fine. Whatever. Just get your butt to the town center to get your ticket stamped.
Isaac: (rolls eyes) Yes, master.
(Isaac progresses through the town)
Girl 1: Hey! You wanna try your hand at jump rope?
Isaac: What?! I'm way too big for that!
Author: You're supposed to be 3 feet, Isaac.
Isaac: In reality, however, I am 5 foot 6. And there is no way I can jump rope.
Author: Fine. Just fond the ticket seller, will you?
Isaac: I don't get paid enough for this.
Author: You don't get paid at all.
Isaac: Same diff. (walks up to Ticket booth)
Ticket seller: Can I help you, little one?
Isaac: Actually, no, you can't. However, seeing as I need to have a ticket stamped, I'd rather you did that quickly as opposed to chatting away like a moron.
Ticket Seller: Jeez, little one. You don't have to be het up.
Isaac: (through clenched teeth) I am not little. I am of medium height, with a good build. I am string and muscular, and a Colosso champion. I am not little.
Ticket Seller: Aye? But to me you look little more than a wee little runt that-
Isaac: That is IT! ~Grand Gaia~
(An awesome display of pyrotechnics later)
Author: Good going, genius. You've just managed to blow up the entire town square, something that's not supposed to happen until-
Sheba: (monotone) Don't give away the plot.
Isaac: Aren't you supposed to be in the castle?
Sheba: Hanging around waiting for the play to start got boring. This place is dead anyway. (leaves)
Author: That aside, you've now ruined your chances of getting into the play normally. Go find another way.
Isaac: Sure. How?
Author: After what you just did, you think I'm gonna tell you?
Isaac: Asshole.
Author: I love you too. Now go find a way in or something. (leaves)
Isaac: I guess I might as well. If not, I'm going to be stuck as a black mage forever. (shudders and leaves)
(Scene: An alleyway)
Isaac: Ooh, look. A ladder. If I were able to use this, I might be able to circumvent low-hanging walls to enter the area where I can see the play. How convenient. (Tries to lift the ladder, but fails) What the?
Author: You need to be someone's slave first. I thought you played the game?
Isaac: Wherever did you get that idea? I have no idea how I'm supposed to continue.
Author: (evil grin) Okay. Fine. Since I want to hurry this up, I'll tell you. Go find a four armed guy. He hangs around the bar. After gaining valuable information from him, you should go look for a Lemurian hanging around. He'll follow you for a while, and then you have to find some dynamite on the rooftops to blow up the walls.
Isaac: That seems unnecessarily complicated.
Author: This is an RPG. It's all about unnecessarily complicated.
Isaac: Arg. Near the bar, huh? (leaves)
Author: (evil grin) I'm goooood…
(Two hours later)
Isaac: I am going to Charon the butt of that stupid author. Twice. Then I'm going to hit him with Odyessey multiple times, somewhere in the dozens variety. And just to be sure, I'll blast him with Grand Gaia. Four armed guy at the bar, my foot. First he mugged me, and then spent half an hour teaching me how to play a friggin' card game.
Author: (lounging near the church tower) I assume you realized it was a ruse by now?
Isaac: * twitch *
Author: Well, now that we've dropkicked your mood from the pissed range in to the homicidal variety, I think I'll tell you the real way. There's this little kid down there crying. He's lost his cat, and if you help him find it, he'll tell you the way to the play.
Isaac: And where, exactly, is this cat of his?
Author: Why, if I tell you, it wouldn't be a challenge, would it?
Isaac: * twitch *
Author: Ta ta! (leaves)
(Isaac reluctantly begins searching for the kitten)
Isaac: (bending down to the ground, and crawling along the floor) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Small girl: Mommy, what's that weird guy with the pointy hat doing?
Mother: Oh, that's just what happens when you overdose on speed, dear. Remember, drugs are bad.
Small girl: Ohhhh…
Isaac: Forget Charon. Only Iris is good enough for that sick, twisted, f-
(Luckily, before Isaac can break the PG-13 barrier, the scene changes)
(Scene: The palace, princess Sheba's room)
Jenna: (entering) Hey, Sheba, you ready? The play's gonna start soon.
Sheba: That's "your majesty" to you.
Jenna: Please, don't get all high and mighty on me, okay?
Sheba: (giggles) Okay. Anyway, Jenna, I've been having this weird dream where I'm in the middle of a storm, and then I get tossed overboard. But, right when I'm about to drown, someone saves me.
Jenna: Interesting. What's your savior look like?
Sheba: Well, he's short…
Felix: (backstage) Strike one.
Sheba: He's a blonde.
Felix: (backstage) Strike two.
Sheba: And he had this kind of the lost expression on his face.
Felix: (backstage) Strike three. There. More reasons for Sheba not to like Ivan. If I keep this up I'll have a whole novel.
Ivan: (backstage) Since when is being blonde a liability?
Felix: (backstage) Since it means you're stupid.
Ivan: (backstage) Please, Felix. I know more about maths than you ever will.
Felix: (backstage) Oh, yeah? What's the square root of 4?
Ivan: (backstage) You can't be serious. That is pathetically simple.
Felix: (backstage) You're just trying to avoid the question!
Ivan: (backstage) It's two, if you want to know. There.
Felix: (backstage) Hah! See? You're stupid! Everyone knows it's 16!
Ivan: (backstage) …… Picard? I think you might have hit him upside the head a bit too hard during your last sparring session.
Picard: (backstage) I think so too…
Author: Can we get back on topic?
Sheba: But, he had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. They were purple, and they seemed so wide and full of expression. They seemed to have the knowledge of a thousand worlds inside them…
Jenna: Really? Well, maybe your dream will come true, princess. Or maybe it already has.
Sheba: Maybe…
(Well, if we're done with the serious things, let's move back to Isaac!)
(Scene: Streets of Tolbi)
Isaac: There you are. Good kitty. Gooood kitty. Come to papa!
Hiss! Slash!
Isaac: Ow! My nose!
Mittens: Hissssss…
Isaac: This is going to be difficult… (leaps at the kitten)
(A huge dust cloud appears and covers the two combatants)
Isaac: Ha! I've got you! No! Hey, wait, not THERE! Argh! OW! OW! The pain! Oof! Hrrgh! Mmmph!
(Ten minutes later)
(An Isaac that is exceptionally beat up and bleeding profusely makes his way to the docks, kitten in tow.)
Isaac: (to crying boy) Here's your kitten.
Boy: Oh! Wow! You found Mittens! Thanks!
Isaac: Don't mention it. Now, uh, may I have my reward?
Boy: Oh, here. (hands Isaac something)
(Dead silence)
Isaac: I did all that for a CARD?!?
Author: (lying on a boat and reading Mad Magazine) Well, now, you've learnt the problem with trusting others, hm?
Isaac: (turns to the author, eyes flaming) You are so, so dead. You hear me? Dead! Dead, I say! Ahahahahahahah! (advances on the author)
Author: Whatever. The way to the theater's in the bell tower. Head through the roofs, and, you'll find a ladder waiting for you.
Isaac: You honestly think I'll believe that?
Author: No, I don't. Find your own way there. Ciao. (leaves)
Isaac: Right. So, now I must go everywhere except for the bell tower. Got it. (begins searching the town)
(Later)
Isaac: (still searching the town)
(Even later)
Isaac: (searching the town)
(Even later, when play is in Act III, Scene IV, the part where stuff happens)
Isaac: This is hopeless. The only place I haven't searched is the bell tower. But knowing the author, he's got something horrible waiting for me up there. (thinks) Then again, with the kind of torture I've been through, what could be worse? (enters tower)
(Scene: Inside Bell tower)
Flint: So, I'll be leaving for my adventure now.
Bane: (not looking up from his book) Whatever. See you around, and all that.
Flint: Cya, then. (leaves)
Isaac: What was that all about? (Sees ladder leading to rooftops) Hey, wait, that means… the author wasn't lying to me last time? And I've wasted the entire evening trying to find something that I could have used in ten minutes?!
Bane: (glancing up) Hoo, boy. I think we've got issues.
Isaac: * twitch * * twitch *
(A muffled explosion is heard)
Isaac: I… guess I might as well climb it. (starts climbing, circumvents rooftops, whatever, and reaches the wall outside the play)
(In the author's room)
Author: Heheheheheheheh…. Poor little Isaac and Ivan. If only you knew what was in store for you… Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe……