Author: We're back, and on tonight's show…
Felix: Show?
Author: Aw, you ruined the drama. Ah, well.
Isaac: He scares me.
Author: Isaac, after what I'm going to put you through, you won't remember the meaning of scared.
Isaac: (blinks) Okay… I'll just be sitting HERE then. (backs off)
Author: Let's continue!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jenna: This stupid eye patch is so itchy!
Garet: Count yourself lucky. This armor is so heavy I can barely stand! What the heck did they make this out of?
Sheba: (looking back) Guys! Quiet! I want to watch the play!
Garet: (snidely) So your precious Ivan can come and whisk you away?
Sheba: Huh?
Jenna: (sotto voice) She didn't read the script yet, Garet.
Garet: What? Even I read it already!
Jenna: (shrugs)
Babi: Silence, subordinates! I will not have you spoiling my play!
Garet: How'd we end up working for this weirdo anyway?
(Meanwhile)
Isaac: (hopping up and down) I can't see a thing!
(Back on the palace balcony)
Jenna: The next act is starting! Draw your sword!
Garet: (whining) Why do I have to do the salute EVERY act?
Jenna: Look, do it, or we'll be stuck playing FF9 forever! Quick!
Garet: (sighs) (draws and waves sword about, accidentally cutting off Babi's ear)
(Babi doesn't notice, as he is eating popcorn)
(Extra salty, if anyone cares)
(On stage)
(The captain comes out, dressed like an anchor)
Sheba: Okay, I could have died happy never seeing that.
Captain: I am here today, to tell you the legend of the anchor. Long ago, there was an anchor with the powers of the sun itself, it grew, shaping this world, and eventually, it became the greatest source of power known to man. And-
(A fireball hits the captain)
Garet: No one wants to hear about anchors! Get on with the play already!
Captain: How dare you! I shall personally- (A meteor lands on him)
Agatio: What? Hanging around on that weird ship got boring.
Author: (sighs) Right. While they try to revive the captain, let's cut to-
(Interior of stage)
Ivan: Bereft of father! Bereft of mother! Sean, even now he has lost thy lo- Argh! That's it! I refuse to say these dumb lines!
Ouranos: I agree! They're stupid!
Author: (sighs) Fine, then. Improvise if you wish.
Ivan: Let's go kick ass!
Everyone else: WOO!
Author: Well, I guess that works too…
(Outside)
Sean: So… can you get up yet?
Captain: X_X
Sean: Guess not.
(Ivan, Ouranos and Kaja run up)
Ivan: What, he's still unconscious?
Sean: Looks that way…
Author: Never fear! I have a solution! (releases a Thunder Lizard from a cage)
Ivan: 0_o (gets into battle position)
Sean: But how is this supposed to fit into the storyline?
Author: Just say it's the king's pet or something.
Sean: Um… right.
Kaja: it doesn't seem too interested in fighting, however…
(The Thunder lizard crawls over to the captain and-)
Ivan: Ewww!
Ouranos: (Over the crunching of bones) Now that is one heck of a well trained pet.
Author: Ah, shuddap.
Ivan: Can we, uh, just cut to the next scene? I really don't want to stick around for this.
(Part of the small intestine lands on Sean's right shoulder)
Sean: You do that. In the meantime, I'll go book myself into a hospital for mental trauma.
(In the interior of the castle)
Ouranos: Now, explain to me what we're supposed to be doing again?
Ivan: Didn't we discuss this on the ship?
Ouranos: Hey, I'm just doing it for the sake of those people who haven't played FF9 yet.
Ivan: If they haven't played FF9 yet, why would they have any interest in reading a parody of one?
Ouranos: Enh. (shrugs)
Ivan: Fine. We're supposed to be searching this area, dressed up as Tolbi soldiers, so we can find and kidnap princess Sheba (gets dreamy eyes) so we can take her back to Kalay. Got all that?
Ouranos: I lost you at "supposed."
Ivan: (sighs in frustration) Just follow me.
(They knock out a pair of soldiers and steal their armor.)
Ivan: Strange. According to this sheet, there are only 9 male soldiers in the entire castle.
Ouranos: More power to us, then. Let's go.
(Meanwhile, on the palace balcony)
Garet: Sheba, shouldn't you have left by now?
Sheba: Huh? What are you talking about, Garet?
Garet: Y'know, you really should have read the script.
(In front of them, Sean and Kaja are getting chased around by an incensed Thunder Lizard)
Sheba: Ask if I care.
Garet: Do you care?
Sheba: (sighs) Alright, I'm going, I'm going.
Jenna: Wait. Wear this too. (hands her a white mage robe)
Sheba: Um… okay.
Garet: And this. (hands Sheba Felix's mask from GS1)
Sheba: What on earth for?
Garet: It's a secret.
Sheba: Weirdo. (puts on mask)
Babi: Ooh! Go! Go! Kill them!
Jenna: I am seriously disturbed by that man.
Garet: You ain't the only one.
(In the castle hallway)
Ivan: Okay, I'll go up first.
Ouranos: Be my guest.
(Ivan walks up the stares and smacks into a strange character wearing white mage robes and a mask… Oh, we all know it's Sheba, alright?)
Author: (backstage) Did Ivan read the script?
Mia: (backstage) No, I don't think so…
Author: (backstage) Fine, then. Let's add a bit off mystery to the scene.
Mia: (backstage) Mystery for who? Ivan, Sheba, or the readers?
Author: (backstage) For both of them. (snaps fingers)
(A helmet appears on Ivan's head)
Ivan: What the-?
Sheba: Um… would you mind moving, whoever you are?
Ivan: (trying to yank the helmet off his head) If you'll let me get this stupid thing off first… (hits his head on a wall) Ow.
Sheba: … Weird. (walks past)
Ivan: (succeeds in removing the helmet) Ow… my ears.
Ouranos: Hurry up, will ya? The sooner we finish this, the sooner we get back!
Ivan: ~Destruct Ray~
Ouranos: Um… I'll just back off then…
Ivan: Good for you. (goes onto the balcony) Pssst! Garet! Where's Sheba!
Garet: Huh? She left already!
Ivan: I didn't see her in the hall…
Garet: Sure you did! She's the one wearing the white mage robes, and the Felix mask.
Ivan: Ah, %#$@ (runs off)
Jenna: (blinks) I've never thought I'd hear Ivan say those sort of things.
(On the stage)
Kaja: Not my kidney! Please, I beg of you! Not my kidARARRRGGGBLE!!!
(On the balcony)
Babi: Kill! Woo! Kill!
Garet: He scares me.
Jenna: And we get stuck serving this guy…
(In the palace hallway)
(Saturos and Mernadi run up, dressed in a pair of jester costumes)
Saturos: This is an insult to me! I am one of the greatest warriors of the Northern wilds, and I get stuck in a JESTER costume?!
Mernadi: I refuse to sound like a dyslexic three year old!
Author: Haven't we already been through this?
Saturos: This thing itches!
Mernadi: And furthermore…
Author: Enough! I was going to keep usage of Author powers to a minimum, but- (snaps fingers)
Mernadi: Just happened, what did? (eyes widen)
Saturos: Mernadi? What's with you?
Mernadi: No! Happening, this cannot be!
Author: (stone faced) It can. Now mosey your butt over to Babi before I make you LOOK like Thorn.
Saturos: (meekly) Yes, sir.
(Meanwhile, backstage)
Felix: Mwehahahahahahahahahhahahaha!
Picard: Felix? Why are you laughing evilly for?
Felix: Uh, I mean…. Hehehehehehehehehe.
Picard: Weird. (leaves)
Felix: Soon, my plan will come to fruition, and I shall have all that I desire… mwahahahahahah….
(In the crowd watching the show)
Isaac: I still can't see!
(In the hallways of the palace)
Ivan: Zephyr! (unleashes Zephyr and starts running around, looking for Sheba.)
Ouranos: (far behind) Hey, wait up!
Ivan: (already too far ahead to hear)
(Elsewhere in the palace)
Sheba: Where on earth am I supposed to go? (walks into a pillar) Ow.
(Back in the first "within the palace)
Ivan: (twitches) Sheba! She's been hurt! (zooms off)
Author: Okay… the fact that he's a Jupiter adept allows him to read minds, but how would he know when someone is hurt? Even if that someone is his girlfriend?
Carl: (shrugs) Enh.
(On the palace balcony)
Saturos: Master (shudders) Babi, we have realized that Sheba is missing.
Babi: Have you confirmed this?
Mernadi: Confirmed this, we have! (eyelid twitches)
Babi: Very well. You two, um…, um…
Garet: I'm Garet.
Jenna: I'm Jenna.
Babi: Right, right. Go find er… what was her name again?
Jenna: (sotto voice) I work for this guy?
Garet: Right away, sir. (runs off) Sooner I get away from that weirdo, the better.
Author: Aren't you supposed to assemble the Knights of Sol?
Garet: Those morons can't do anything anyway, right?
Author: True…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Author: Well, we've managed to end another chapter successfully.
Carl: (peering out of the room) Is Felix supposed to be sounding like a rent-a-mad-scientist reject?
Author: Huh? What are you talking about?
Carl: I take that as a "no".
Calis Wraithson: Guys, we've got someone at the door.
Author: Who?
Calis Wraithson: Uh… the "bad joke" police.
Author: Oh, No! It's them! (dives under a table and hits his head) Ow.
Carl: I think we should leave on that happy note.
Calis Wraithson: Agreed.