"Tell me what you want of me
Or are you terrified of failure?
You put on a superstitious face
Behind all this paraphernalia
We're not living in a masquerade
Where you only have three wishes
It isn't easy to see
In a lifetime of mistaken kisses"
Elvis Costello, Clown Strike
He's looking at me. I'm not facing on him, but it's not as though I could ignore the feel of the Crane eyes traveling over my skin, slowly causing goosebumps wherever they happen to linger. They aren't bad goosebumps. It's a sort of familiar discomfort, I suppose, although I don't know why. The only thing I can know for sure is that I'm terrified of something that might not even happen.
But if it does happen, it could be within the next few minutes that I find my life drastically shifting direction.
Part of me wants to hear him say that he's over me. That there's nothing I could possibly do to ever regain his affection, although we should remain dear friends. But then I feel that if he doesn't love me, I'll be sick.
Worse... I'm afraid I'll die.
You hear about people dying of heartbreak all the time. Widowers who were so sad after their wives passed on that there was nothing left to do but give up the ghost themselves; at least one teenage girl or boy who has committed suicide because their boyfriend or girlfriend was cheating. But the thing I find interesting is that you never hear about anyone in my situation: someone completely unsure of her emotions, but ready to die either way the story goes.
What am I saying? I don't even know if Dr. Crane still... if he even considers me romantically...
"Daphne," I've always found his voice very comforting. He's seemed to care so much over the years... and it seems to mean more now that I know for certain he was being sincere. I don't know why... I never doubted his caring for me before...
I like the way he says my name. I've only ever heard it shouted -- as in "What the hell are you doing, Daphne?!" -- or recited automatically -- as in "Hello, Daphne,". But Dr. Crane says it gently, fervently almost. As though through saying my name he's keeping his hope alive. I don't think I've ever felt more special in my life...
But I can't be thinking that, now. I'm getting married soon. No room for anyone but Donny...
"Daphne, I... I know that you know,"
Or not.
Oh my God, what am I doing? Standing up, summoning all of my courage just so that I can be shot down? Why is it that I can never make myself understand that by doing these sorts of things, someone is bound to be hurt? That someone is usually me? That I am crucifying myself right now, standing here and looking into the beautiful face of Daphne Moon, the only woman I have ever cared this deeply for?
She's the only woman I've ever wanted, really... And I'm going to ruin everything I have with her just because I'm suddenly feeling brave?
"You -- you what?"
That seems to be the current string of events, yes...
She's staring at me. Although I've waited for this moment for the better part of my friendship with her, it doesn't seem to be in quite the way that I pictured her to look. Shocked, alarmed and somewhat panicked... My self-esteem is just perking right up...
She crosses to the minibar, opens the first thing she reaches and takes a very large drink. I wish I were that bottle, clutched firmly in her hands with glittering lip prints pressed upon me. Something that she wants...
To be something desired by Daphne Moon... Oh, the thought makes my heart ache. If she could look at me -- even sometime in the future -- and think to herself, "What a charming man Dr. Crane is,"... If she could look at my lips, the way I look at hers, and pray that someday they may be more than a distant and wishful thought... If she could stare right into my eyes, the way she's doing now, and see how much I need her. If she could understand that, with all my heart and soul, she is the only thing I live for...
"Frasier told me," I continue, feeling very lightheaded. "He told me that the two of you had a ... a bit of an interesting conversation about... the two of us."
God, could there be anything more awkward?
She's going to be angry that Frasier relinquished her secret. She's going to be sick that I know. She's going to stare, then accuse me of trying to ruin what she has with Donny, turn on her heel and --
"Yes... Yes, we did."
I can feel my eyes widening, and I can hear her breath catching in her throat as we both wait for the other to say something. I want to speak desperately... I want to ask if there is still a possiblity that she could ever... that she could ever love me.
"He said that you mentioned the fact that you had been..." How do you say something as strange as what I want to ask? How do you word a request for a not-quite love-affair? "...thinking of me..."
Oh. I guess that works.
She presses her lips together, forming a very tight and impenetrable-looking line. And...
...She nods.
Oh God, she's been thinking of me! Even if it wasn't in a romantic sense, I would gladly pay a million dollars to have such a perfect, heavenly masterpiece thinking of me...
"Daphne," Oh, what am I doing now? "Daphne, I... There is..."
She gives me an innocent look, and it comes all at once.
"Daphne Moon... I have been in love with you for an unbearably long time. I have hardly thought of anything but you since the day God granted me the gift of your acquaintance... There is no room left inside of me for anything but you, and please... if these thoughts you've been having are anywhere close to passionate, tell me. I can handle rejection, my angel, but I'm afraid the suspense is eating away at my sanity..."
She stares at me in complete silence, eyes even wider than before and now slightly watery. Then the door bursts open, and the hordes of Moon Family rush in.
Another moment interrupted.