Even if you have
Even if you need
I don't mean to stare
We don't have to breed
-Nirvana, "Breed"
***
Fulton
I think Dean really likes this place. He's been walking around the whole property the entire afternoon. We haven't even left for lunch. Trying to respect Dean's wish not to do any moves on him in such a lonely place, I just keep to myself in my old room, holding that long stick that gave me so much happiness when I was a kid. I remember the days when my only source of happiness was crushing beer cans and using them as pucks, and learning my slap shot by propping up this old trunk and using it as my goal. My dad wanted me to be a football player, just like him, but hockey was my secret passion, just like guys are my secret passion.
I don't think Dean is ready to meet my dad just yet.
So I went downstairs with the stick, sift through the trash for some cans, and search the exteriors for that old trunk. From the front of the house, I can spot Dean Portman relaxing over this tree trunk which hanged over the river. I should tell him to get off, since it's been raining recently and the river was flowing pretty fast, but the last thing Portman wants is another guy giving him orders. Now it's sunset, and the orange sun lights up the dead autumn field.
As I keep looking for that trunk, I suddenly hear a big splash. I turn and see that the tree trunk broke off.
"Dean?" I run down the river and see Dean trying to swim upstream and to the side with the tree trunk, but the current's way too strong.
"Bro!" I run down the river with my stick, passing him, and extend my stick towards where he'd be coming. But then, the tree trunk snags with some wooden piles, stopping Dean from speeding off downriver. I go over to him and ask him to grab my stick so that he can pull himself out of there. He reaches over to the stick as he uses the lodged tree trunk to get himself over the water.
"Fulton, come closer!" Dean shouts at me.
"I can't. The current will take me, too!"
It was then that the tree trunk splits in two and Dean sinks and falls into the whims of the current, only to have his feet snagged by another pile. Now his upper body is completely immersed in the river. No, this can't be happening!
I go to the tree and climb up as carefully and as quickly as I can, reaching his leg and grabbing it. I slowly pull down from the tree, pulling Dean's lifeless body with me. Once I get to the shore, I do some CPR numerous times, pressing against his chest and breathing into his mouth, only to get no response. I try and try again, with the tears and the sweat now covering my face, pleading and screaming for him to come back. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally chokes out some water, opens his eyes, and just stares into the sky. I carry him in my arms back to the house and into the living room.
Seeing that he's too weak to do it himself, I take off all of his clothes, get a blanket from upstairs, and dry him up with it. With some wood that was lying around, I start a fire at the fireplace and prop Dean up against it to keep him warm, with his clothes sitting next to him to dry up. What he needs right now was warmth, and so I took off my heavy coat and put it on him, letting him recuperate for a while as I hug him tightly in my arms and kiss him lightly in the neck, realizing that I was this close to losing him.
After a while of just staring idly at the fire, Dean turns to see me and I turn to see him. Our eyes were locking again, just like old times. A smile of gratitude flushed through his face. This was it. It was now or never. Our lips started inching towards one another, when the cell phone rings from his leather jacket. Both of us reach over to grab it. When we do, I clench his hand and rub it a little, but Dean just slowly, almost reluctantly, pulls away with the phone. Portman answers weakly and exhaustedly as he musters the courage to speak.
"Hey baby, what's up?" It was Amber. Dammit! I just lie next to him, shaking my head in total disbelief, now that our moment has been so rudely interrupted. Portman just talks to her, "How was the shopping?... I'm so sorry, babe, but it was pretty important.... Oh, c'mon, it's not like that. Fulton needed my help." Then, Portman became quieter. "Baby, I'm sorry I couldn't go, but I told you something came up with Fulton's family, and I had to go.... Amber, we can go shopping for dresses later; we're not in a rush or anything, right? You said so yourself.... No, Fulton's my friend, okay, and we do things together all the time, but I'll come with you next time, definitely. I promise."
Yeah, I can tell Portman's having a tough time with this call. I get up and go to where Portman is, embracing him at the waist and kissing his neck softly as Portman whispers away from the phone, "Dude, no," and heading back to Amber's conversation. "Sweetie, I'll make it up to you. We'll go out to dinner, on me. --Dude, no!-- Where? Anywhere you want to go. --Fulton," he chuckles, "stop it!-- Who's with me? Fulton." He finally pushes me away. "He's just screwing with me." At that, I gave this big guffaw and backed away from him. "Does he have a date? Let me ask." He turns to me. "Bro, I'm going to dinner. Can you get a date?"
And now I slowed my laughter down. "No."
As I embraced Dean once more, I couldn't help but hope that this moment would never end. But who was I to hope?
Portman
I really have to stop her from choosing the restaurants. Tonight, before Fulton and I go off to Calgary and San Jose, Amber and the two of us are at the Nippon Edo Restaurant, which is this fancy Japanese place that's supposed to be super-trendy with the Twin Cities socialites. I absolutely hate these sort of places, mainly because it's way too uptight and stuffy for my unrefined tastes. Plus, the food's usually lousy and the servings are small, not apt for two buff enforcers.
Amber and I had our little chit-chat, about what dresses she tried on, what her friends thought of them, what she had for lunch, what she fed the cat, you know, chick stuff. I just nodded my head as she went on and on and on and on. Across the table sits poor Fulton, who now has to put up with her chatting and the fact that his worst enemy is now kissing me in the cheek.
I should feel grateful that he saved my life, but I didn't even thank him. We just left the house in a rush, knowing that I had to see her. I shouldn't be messing him up like this. Man, what a dilemma.
Fulton
And just in the nick of time, this Asian waitress shows up. "Kon ban wa!" As she hands me a menu, her eyes light up and her grin widens to this unhumanly size. "Reed-san?" Uh-oh, she recognized me?
With that stupid confusion that I can't shake off, I go "Huh?"
"Are you Bash Brother?"
"Oh. Yeah."
"Oh wow! I am biggest fan! I am happy to serve you tonight!" She puts down the napkin full of forks and spoons in front of me. Right then, she tells me all the specials and all the desserts that they had for me tonight. Then she bows to me and leaves, when suddenly Portman calls her and asks to give him and Amber their napkins full of forks and spoons as well.
So I unfold my napkin to see that there's this name, Anita, and a phone number, most likely our waitress. Just then, another waitress came over. This one was your average blonde white girl, really high strung, and has this cracking voice. "Mr. Reed? I'm so happy to serve you tonight! Oh my god!"
"Uhm, actually, I'm already being served by the Asian waitress over there."
"What!? This is my section! I'll fix this up. Anyway, I will be serving you tonight. That is, I should be serving you tonight. Let me take those." She takes our menus and gives us hers. Like Anita, she gives me a run-through of the specials and desserts and hands me another napkin full of forks and spoons. Unlike Anita, she didn't even have the common courtesy to give napkins to the other two (and deservedly so)!
So I unfold her napkin, and surely enough, another name, Amy, and a phone number is written on it! This time, as I stare at the napkin, Portman instantly realized what was going on.
"Fulton, my bro! That waitress wants you, doesn't she?"
I fold the napkin again, but he takes it to see the name and confirm his suspicions. Just when Portman begins to laugh at my misfortune, yet another waitress, this time a brunette with admittedly great assets, comes up to the table, places her napkin full of forks and spoons in front of me, smiles, and turns to walk away, only to be confronted by Amy and Anita. The three of them start squabbling about who should serve Mr. Reed, and pretty soon, oh no, a bitch fight ensued.
"Oh, hell yeah!" Portman cries, apparently unaware that his fiancé is right next to him. I just opened her napkin to see the same results: A name, Sally, and a phone number. The weird thing was that Amber doesn't look totally surprised to see her future husband enjoying the verbal wrestling match among the terrible trio. With that big, white grin of his and those big, keen eyes, I can tell that he was getting really turned on by the sight. So, he starts going at it on Amber, right then and there, first with a few kisses on the cheek, and then more on her neck, while Amber enjoys instant microwaveable pleasure.
And then, when he embraces her and moves his lips towards the back of her neck, his eyes pierce through her hair, towards me. I can't believe it: He's waiting for my reaction. Now they're really pissing me off!
You know what? I'm not going to give it to him. I'm just going to sit here, try to mind my own business and pretend I'm happy and that everything's okay, even though inside me, I feel like total crap. As I try really hard not to wince at him, as our friendship turns into a Jerry Springer special, as my eyes hold back the tears and my lips hold back every venomous four-letter word I could scream at both of them, as my best friend and only love pulled my heart from my very chest with his bare hands and threw it in the trash can where everybody else thinks it is, my anger and pain focused on my own self.
"Oh, baby. I can't wait to marry you!" Portman speaks through the kisses as he continues to look at me for a change in expression. But I'm not giving him the pleasure. Fulton, be strong for once; he's just playing with your mind. But Portman never did this before! Then again, it just proves, once again of course, just how utterly clueless I am at these things. It's not as though he wants me around all the time, but that look of his gives me the clue: He doesn't want me around him anymore. It's over. We're finished. I failed.
When that dawned on me, I just took the napkins, got up, and stormed out, not even looking back at Portman to see what he was going to say. I know, it's drama and believe me, I'd be the last guy on the planet to act in one, but I can only put up with so much crap.
"Oh c'mon, bro! What's your problem?" I'm not even going to answer that. I leave the restaurant and, seeing that there's a bus out in front, I take advantage and board it. When I do, I take a seat next to the window. There he was, running towards the bus and trying to catch up with it as it pulls away. Seeing that he was too slow to match the bus's speed, Portman gives up and stops running, but not before giving me the finger and shouting something that couldn't be heard from inside the bus. From reading his lips, it must've been his cunning "fuck off" that's so typical of him. I couldn't help but do the same and move my lips so that he could read off my "fuck you" as I pull the finger at him.
You know, I haven't been on public transportation in a long time. Suddenly, all the thoughts that I couldn't make out came rushing through my head like a speeding train just passing through. It was on that bus that I started to cry again. Dammit, Fulton, will you stop that? You're gonna make yourself look like some damn pansy! As I reach for one of the napkins, I read the number on it. It was Sally's.
He hurt me badly, so now I think I'll hurt him.
Once I get to my apartment, I reach for the phone and call her, and was a bit surprised to know that she was still working at the moment. She was using her cell phone and I was interrupting her, so I gave her my number and asked her to call me back as soon as possible.
When she did, she went through a few details about her, to which I just nodded off. Then I asked her when her shift would be over. Learning that she should be done by eleven, I give her a few instructions and arrange a meeting time. With that, I hung up and prepared myself. I went to my room and got myself a few blankets, some condoms, and a little lube. I changed my outfit completely, from my standard scarf-coat-and-bandana to this nice and cool Eddie Bauer look (of course, with some tight ass boxer briefs). I took all the stuff down and hid it in my Hummer and, when 10:40 came, I took off.
And there she was, waiting in front of Nippon Edo, but without her apron. I opened the passenger door for her, and she climbed aboard. Then, I started the car and drove away. At first, we said absolutely nothing. Then, I turned on the radio to this alternative station.
Then, as I stop at a red light, she moves her hand onto my thigh, as though she didn't even think about it. I turned to see her dewy eyes looking at me as though I was some sort of teeny bopper boy. It was not my thing at all, because I wasn't feeling anything inside of me. If a guy did what she did, my pecker would've taken flight! As she rubbed my thigh, I ask in this totally unthawed tone, "Uhm, where do you live?"
"Just a couple of blocks down. It's not far." Then she moved her hand in my crotch. How weird. Nothing happens.
We didn't talk much except when I needed directions. After about a few minutes of automobile foreplay, we wind up in front of this nice house with a nicely cut lawn and a few sedans in front. I stop the car. I didn't know what to do. Do I want her to get off and not pester me, or do I want her to stay, be a nice guy for once, and fulfill a girl's most secret desire, to have herself banged by a Bash Brother?
Well, she didn't want to get off. Instead, she just stays there and stares at me, now moving her hand under my shirt, feeling my chest. Then she motions her head towards the back seat. Without any delay, the two of us head to the back and start undressing.
Well, let's just say that I didn't perform. I couldn't. Who was I kidding? Girls just aren't my thing. I knew that since I was ten. I've rarely ever been to second base with any girl, and even then, I just can't do it, because my thoughts are always in guys... and in Dean. To make matters worse, I now broke an innocent girl's heart. Now I'm feeling guilt and anger at myself for what I did. I turn to see her dejected face as Sally dresses herself up.
She tries to comfort me by saying, "Maybe it was a little too fast."
She didn't deserve to be the victim of my cruel and stupid pranks, so I didn't want to give some excuse as to why a guy like me would be impotent, even though I'm not.
"No, it wasn't because of that." I'm not going to lie to myself like that anymore.
"Maybe it was a tough day, and you play hockey, so that must be stressful on you."
I shake my head again.
"Then what? It's not like you're into guys, right?"
And that did it for me. I just looked down at my naked body in shame. She caught on. Women have this weird way of catching on to things.
"Oh. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. It's totally my fault, and I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Well, don't worry about it. Your secret is safe with me, okay?" And with that, she got out of the car and into her home.
I just lied there under the blankets in my Hummer and kept thinking about this whole mess, how I made Dean mad, how stupid it was to prove my "manliness" this way, and how I just keep ruining people's hopes and loves up and down. I felt sorry, and I knew I owed Dean and myself a huge apology.
***
Author's Note: I just wanted to say thank you for those who have been keeping up with this mish-mash of a story, especially Hippy Flower, CakeEater, and lyncanthrope. Your help and criticisms are very much appreciated. As you can tell, the writing is rather deadpan and not so focused on inner emotions. In fact, after some study into the structure of a romance, I realize that I've been going about this entirely wrong. Still, I'll press on and, hopefully, our two favorite enforcers will kiss and make up, but I won't say. Thanks!