By Marisa (Not Marissa)
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Disclaimer: This is stupid. Why do I even have to write this? I mean, Red Dwarf belongs to Bob Grant and Doug Naylor, and BBC, and some other people that aren't me. And suppose hypothetically that it did, by some miracle, belong to me. Why the smeg would I write fanfiction about it?
Anyway, yeah. Red Dwarf and the cast aren't mine, they never will be. I'm not making money of this fic. This was written solely for entertainment purposes, and to fill the time of a certain geeky fan-author by the name of Marisa.
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"King me!" The Cat grinned, showing off his large teeth.
"What do you mean, 'King Me'?" Rimmer snorted, "This is Monopoly!"
"I know," The Cat chuckled, "But I am now king of this board!" He held up his property cards for Park Place and Boardwalk. "I'm putting up a hotel in both. Might as well give me your money now!"
Lister shrugged and dropped his cards. "I forefeit. This was getting boring anyway, what with Cat doing his lucky "doubles" dance and Kryten carefully calculating just how he had to roll the dice to get doubles."
"You must admit, sir," Kryten suggested, "That strategy was seamless."
"That 'seamless' strategy took twenty minutes each turn. Here, Cat, take my property." He shoved his cards toward the wonder of evolution. "You're winning, anyway."
"He can't do that!" Rimmer snarled, "That's cheating!"
"Yeah?" Lister raised an eyebrow, "And I guess all that cash you snatched from the board was legal, then?"
"I'm the banker!" Scoffed the hologram, nostrils flaring. "I'm perfectly entitled to it."
"No, you're not." Lister rolled his eyes. "You're just mad because you're stuck in jail with just two pieces of property."
"Well, I'm changing the rules. The banker can have all the money he wants."
Kryted looked at Rimmer uncertainly. "If I may interrupt your highly entertaining argument, but simply altering the rules of a game cannot be done. Monopoly is a title that has been enjoyed for over three million years now, played the same way since the beginning. To change the rules now would be—"
"I'll make a new game, then."
"'Who Wants to be a Smeghead'." Suggested Lister with a grin. "It'll be a hit. But you'd win every time, Rimmer."
"Au contraire," Rimmer replied, "I will call it… um… Rimmopoly."
"Sounds great!" Lister exclaimed, "All the pieces can be different germs, and they're trying to gain control of the toilet!"
Rimmer's nostrils flared further out. "Of course not! It'd be—"
"Hey, that just might work!" the Cat chortled. "Instead of going to jail, they'd be flushed!"
Rimmer opened his mouth, but Holly interrupted him when she appeared on a nearby computer moniter.
"'Ey, boys." She greeted, "You sound like you're having fun."
"What's up, Hol?" Lister asked.
Holly looked uncertain. "I'm not too sure. I've detected an unidentifiable energy source up near the Hologram's central computer, but I can't get the cameras in there working, so I don't know what's going on."
Rimmer jumped up. "Aliens!" He exclaimed determinedly, "It must be-"
"Oh smegging hell, not the aliens again." Lister stood up and stretched. "Come on, Leigon gave you your solid body! Aren't you done looking for them yet?"
The hologram's shook his head. "Never! The idea of intelligent life out there will always intrigue me – there's so many unsolved mysteries out there!" His nostrils grew with excitement. "The pyramids! Easter Island! Amelia Earhart!"
"Hey, maybe the aliens can tell us what breed of dog your mom was!" Suggested the Cat. "With nostrils like yours...a pug, maybe?"
Lister glared him. "That was a bit much." He hissed.
Rimmer looked away, scowling. "Nevermind." He snapped. "Forget the aliens. You three go on ahead, I'll clean up this game."
Cat and Kryten shrugged and stood up from the table, heading off towards the lift. Lister started after them, but hesitated.
"Hey, man…" He turned to face Rimmer, "Need any help cleaning it up?"
"I'm fine." Rimmer snapped, his voice cracking slightly.
"Look, what the Cat and I said…" Lister shrugged, "It was all in fun, okay? We didn't mean to hurt—"
"Well you did a fine job avoiding it!" Rimmer snarled, slamming his hands on the table. Hotels, houses, and other game pieces were scattered across the table and soon dropped to the floor. Lister bent down and picked some up and stuffed them in the pockets of his foul-smelling jeans, but Rimmer shook his head. "No, I'll get it. Go on ahead. I'm fine, really."
"You sure?" Lister stood up and brushed himself off.
"Yeah." Rimmer bent down and began to clean the mess. Lister watched him for a moment, then turned to follow Kryten and the Cat.
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"There you are, sir!" Kryten called. "Where were you?"
"Wanted to ask Rimmer somethin'." Lister shrugged. "Anyway, we going after this sucker?"
"Yeah!" The Cat grinned, "I was itching for a good hunt today! It's my old Cat instincts kicking in!"
As they reached the door to where the Hologram Projector's main comptuer was stored, Lister reached into his pocket and felt some small and plastic… things. "Smeg!" he hissed, "I forgot to give these to Rimmer! You two go on ahead, I'm gonna get these to him before he puts the game away." Before either could reply, he was down the hall and in the lift.
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"Slobby!" Rimmer folded the board and slammed it down into the box sloppily. "Incompetent!" He grabbed a handful of hotels and houses and hurling them into the box with great force. This resulted in a few rebounding back upwards and smacking him square in the nose. Scowling, he snatched up some play money and began to sort it out, muttering an adjective each time he slammed a bill on the table. "Infuriating…negligent…conceited…lazy…BASTARDS!"
"They seem like heaven after what I've been through." Chortled a new voice.
Rimmer raised an eyebrow suspiciously, glancing around. "Who's there?!" He demanded. That voice sounded so familiar… but he just couldn't place the speaker. It was too clear to belong to the Cat or Lister, but the lack of an American accent showed that it couldn't be Kryten's, either.
"Nobody here but you, Rimsy." Chuckled the voice, as a figure faded into view right in front of Rimmer.
Rimmer studied the figure intently for a moment, not exactly sure how to react. Finally, he decided on his plan of action.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!! HOLY SMEGGING CRAP!" Rimmer fell backwards in shock and began to crawl crab-style away from the figure, resulting in being backed up against the wall. "What are you?! What do you want?! Go away! Go away!! I don't—ow!"
The newcomer had kicked Rimmer in the forehead. "Smegging moron. Talk about being afraid of your own shadow… here you are afraid of yourself!"
Rimmer scuttled away from his mysterious double and stood up hastily, brushing himself off and eyeing all possible exits from the room. "I…um… what do you want?" He asked shakily. Rimmer had dealt with doubles of himself before, most notably when he tricked Lister into creating a second Rimmer. That had ended in complete disaster. And then there was the whole Inquisitor smeg to deal with... Along with those, there were also the two doubles that had been created with the replicating machine. One was pure good, the other pure evil. The latter was also a disturbingly-clad drag queen. Rimmer shuddered at the memory.
This Rimmer certainly wasn't a drag queen, thank god... odd enough, he had no trace of an H on his forehead, but seemed normal. He was dressed somewhat strangely, though. He had a white shirt under a red jacket and matching red pants. They almost looked like something the Cat would wear, only the outfit lacked any sort of sparkle or snazzy accessory. Well, maybe those two small red horns on either side his head could count as an accessory, but lord knows the Cat wouldn't wear something as tacky as—
Wait a second, horns?!
"Feeling a bit baffled, Rimmer?" The double asked casually, stalking towards the hologram. "Perhaps you'd like an explanation?"
"T-that w-w-would be quite n-nice!" Rimmer stuttered, inching towards the exit.
"Remember your death, Rimmer? Three million years ago?"
Rimmer cringed. Despite the time, the memory was vivid in his mind. Gazpacho Soup…He recalled his final words. Moronic choice, now that he thought about it. "Y-yes." He muttered. "Why? What does that have to do with—"
"I'm your soul, Arnold." The double chuckled.
Rimmer's eyes widened and his nose twisted in confusion. "You're my... my what?"
"After you died, Arnold..." The double continued, "After we died, I ended up down under."
"What, you mean Australia?"
The double slugged Rimmer in the face. "No, not Australia!" he hissed, "Think, Arnie. Further down."
Rimmer pondered that, scrunching his nose further in thought. "...Antarctica?"
"Hell, Rimmer. I went to HELL!!"
Rimmer let out a long, rodent-like squeak. "H-Hell? The eternal torment? But… but how? I've been a good Rimmer… I've really tried! I worked as hard as I could, endured a life of failure, and I still go to Hell when I—"
"YOU DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE!" Roared the double – the demon — grabbing Rimmer around the neck. "It was I who got thrown into that smegging pit! I was the one who had to endure that pain! Three million years, Arnold! Three million years in HELL!" He lifted the solid hologram into the air and tossed him into a far corner of the room. "But I'm not going back. I worked so hard to escape! I swear, I won't go back." He grinned, slowly stalking towards the hologram. "And you, Arnold, are going to be a bit of insurance."
"Insurance??" Rimmer squeaked, ignoring the aching in his limbs from the trip across the room. "How am I—"
"If I send you down there in my place, they won't be looking for me much longer." The demon gave a wicked grin. "Then I'm free to do as I please."
"Down...in...your...place? That right?" Rimmer considered that. The demon didn't seem to enjoy Hell much, and since that demon was technically him, he figured that he wouldn't like it much either. "Thanks for the offer, but... I'll pass."
"You don't have a choice, Arnie."
"No, really, I wouldn't want to deprive you of a place you've called home for three million years now... Really, I insist, I'll just pass this chance and—"
The demon wrapped his hands around the hologram's neck, scowling. "You don't have a choice." He grinned. "Say hi to Satan for me."
Rimmer gasped. His breathing was a simulation, and thus was not needed. Yet somehow, the destruction of the solid light hologram seemed to be affecting his program directly...
Arnold J. Rimmer had been frightened many, many times in his life. Arnold J.
Rimmer had been frightened even more times during the strange bit of
existance he had experienced as a hologram after he had died. And yet,
all of a sudden, none of that seemed to matter. Something in his life had gone
so horribly wrong, so horribly askew, that his soul was sent to Hell for it.
Even worse, his soul escaped, and is now trying to send him into Hell.
For a moment, Rimmer wondered if that was even possible… after all, if he
wasn't his own soul, could he really even go to any sort of
afterlife? And yet, technically, being a hologram – though it wasn't Heaven or
Hell – was sort of an afterlife itself. But then what was the point of death at
all if one could—
Rimmer's thoughts were cut of completely as the world went black around him.
"Say hi to Satan for me!" Demon Rimmer hissed.
"HEY, SMEGHEAD!!"The demon Rimmer released his grip on his hologram double and whirled to face Lister, who was pointing a large gun of some sort straight for the demon's chest.
Lister smirked. "That's me friend you're dragging to Hell!"
"You!!" The demon roared, "What are you doing here?"
"I came back to give somethin' to Rimmer, but I think I have a better gift for you." He placed his finger on the laser's trigger.
"How did you know I was planning to-"
"I've been standing here for six whole minutes." Lister explained. "Really, you may be a demon, but you're still a total gimboyd."
Rimmer groaned as consciousness cursed him once again. As his program quickly repaired itself, things came into view more clearly. The demon double had somehow gotten into an argument with… Lister? What the smeg was he doing here? Rimmer closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on what they were saying, but few words made sense to him at the moment.
"Mine...replacement...inevetable..." That was the demon Rimmer. His words made little sense together.
"Rimmer...friend...not letting...take away..." That was Lister... defending him?
The hologram opened his eyes once more, watching Lister and the Demon Rimmer exchange some witty banter. The demon was saying some nasty things… horrible memories from when he was alive and rooming with Lister... strangely enough, Rimmer found that he had forgotten most of those things. And now that he was hearing them again... they all seemed so silly. So unimportant. Internally, Rimmer smiled. What's a few bumps in the road between friends?
Friends? Yes... despite the rivalry, the fighting, the banter, the insults...
Rimmer considered Lister to be his best friend. Possibly his only
friend. Rimmer watched helplessly as his demon twin and best friend were at
each others' necks in insults.
Rimmer closed his eyes for a moment, trying to take in everything that was happening. But he heard a loud scream, and his eyes shot open.
The double had done something. What it was, Rimmer wasn't sure of, but Lister didn't seem to happy. The gun flew from Lister's hands, clattering across the room and breaking on impact with the wall.
Rimmer watched in horror, trying to stand up... yet his limbs wouldn't cooperate. Suddenly his chest burned with anxiety. Lister was putting his own life in danger for Rimmer's sake! That idiot, why would he do something like that?!
Why?!
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"That's so strange." Holly muttered. "I could have sworn I detected that energy here... but it's gone."
Kryten sighed. "Perhaps Rimmer was having some sort of emotion overload?"
"Maybe, but a petty problem like that's never made a reading that big before." Holly countered. "I just don't understand it."
"Whatever happened, I do not care anymore." The cat strolled towards the door and tried to open it.
It wouldn't budge.
"Hey, you stupid door!" The Cat kicked it, leaving a scuff mark on one of his favorite shoes. "Crap! My shoe! MY SHOE!!" He wailed for a moment, then glared at Kryten. "Break down that door!"
"These doors are stronger than I am." Kryten explained, banging on it. "It seems that someone has locked us in!"
"You know something?" Holly suggested, "I bet it's the same bloke attacking Rimmer downstairs.
Kryten whirled to face the screen. "What did you just say?"
"Here, I'll show you." Holly's face flickered away to reveal… static.
"That's the monkey?" The cat muttered, "You mean he's a gray blob and I missed the action?"
"Oh, no, sorry." Holly apologized. "Seems that someone's also cut off my access to the camera in that room. Smeg. Guess you won't see it, then."
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In a sudden instant, Lister lost every ounce of sense he had ever gained in his lifetime and charged at the demon, bare-handed, with a loud cry of anger. Lister's cry was cut short, however, when he felt an excruciating explosion of pain in his chest. Looking down, he found that the demon had impaled Lister straight through with just his arm.
Demon Rimmer flexed his fingers, already beginning to feel the fresh blood on his hand start dry against the air. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do this to you." He grinned maliciously. "Go to Hell, Lister." He spat in the human's face.
Despite the pain, despite the situation, despite the disturbing spew of blood from the wound, and despite the gaping hole that just managed to miss his lungs, David Lister somehow managed a soft chortle. "See you there… smeghe…" the sentence was never finished, and never would be. Lister went completely limp.
"LISTER!!!" Shrieked the hologram Rimmer, feeling something well up in his throat. This couldn't be happening... no, Lister can't die..... "Lister, you... you smeghead! Get up!!" His breathing came in spasmodic bursts, as tears welled up in his eyes. "Lister!! Wake up... Lister! Lister!! WAKE UP!!"
"Quiet down." Demon Rimmer hissed smugly. He yanked his hand back quickly, letting Lister's corpse hit the floor. "A scream like that could wake the dead."
"You!" Rimmer snarled, struggling to stand up, eventually succeeding. "What happened?! You... we were never like this! Not before our death!!" Something inside him was building. Something was giving him so much strength...and for once, he felt no need to use that strength to run away. Watching his friend Lister – one of... no, the only man who ever gave a smeg about him - die, right there, by a hand that might as well have been his own...
"Nothing like this, you say?" Chuckled the demon, "Well, I can imagine one's personality can change the slightest bit after THREE MILLION YEARS IN HELL!" He slammed his fist against the cold steel wall, and the clang echoed throughout the ship.
"I don't care how long you spent in Hell!" Rimmer snarled. That feeling was growing. What was it? Courage? Or maybe just blind rage? Whatever he was, he liked it. Gave him a sense of... Meaning. Rimmer had never had a real purpose in his life, except when he was brought back from the dead as a hologram to keep Lister sane. But now he had a different meaning in his existance. His "best friend" just died, so now he decided to avenge him and send his ass of a soul back to Hell where it belonged.
"Why are you getting so worked up over that smeghead?" Demon Rimmer growled. "He made our lives miserable! Your life! He was the one that held you back! You could have been an admiral without him around! You could have-"
"SHUT UP!" Rimmer screamed. "I don't want to hear it!"
"You're asking for a slow and painful death, Arnold!" growled the demon.
Rimmer glared intently at his opponent, feeling that newfound strength growing stronger by the second. "That's exactly what I'll give you, then."
And that was it. The demon charged at Rimmer.
And for once, Rimmer didn't run.
Demon-Rimmer's hand shot forward, and claws formed at the tips of his fingers.
Rimmer didn't run.
The sharp claws came closer and closer.
Rimmer didn't run, and he suddenly wondered what the smeg he was thinking. With a loud shout, he jumped out of the way, just in time to make sure the demon dug his claws deep, deep into the metal wall.
"You--!!" The demon hissed, trying to yank his claws from the steel, and quickly succeeded. He pursued Rimmer once again and, sadly, was fast enough this time. In a matter of moments, despite Rimmer's best efforts to run, the demon soon had one hand around Rimmer's neck, and the other pointing its claws at his chest.
Rimmer cried out and, without a thought, kicked the demon in the groin. With a loud, high-pitched cry, the demon released his grip and fell to the ground, curled into a ball from the agony.
"That...!" He gasped, "Was a cheap shot!"
"I'm the banker!" Protested Rimmer, "I'm perfectly entitled to it!"
"Nah, he's right, it was a cheap shot." Muttered a new voice. "But hey, got him on the ground."
Rimmer turned his head towards the new voice. There was an unfamiliar man standing to his right, a tall, skinny man wearing white robes tied with a gold rope. Two white wings extended from his back, and there was a halo of light hovering above his head. His hair was a ginger color, somewhat curly and just long enough to cover his ears, and he had large brown eyes focused on the demon. The hologram jumped back in shock. "Y-you're an Angel!"
"Huh?" The angel glanced at Rimmer. "Oh, right. Hi. I'm Elias." His gaze fell back on the demon Rimmer. "I was your guardian angel when you were alive."
"My... my guardian—"
"—Angel. Yes. Guardian Angel. That was me."
"Where the smeg WERE you all my life?!" Rimmer exclaimed. "It would have been nice if you had helped me a little!"
"We can talk about that later. I think your double just recovered."
"Eh?" Rimmer glanced forward again, just in time to get slugged in the face by a livid Demon Rimmer. The force of the blow sent Rimmer sprawling to the ground, and he moaned. "You could have given me better warning!"
"Right, right, sorry. Reinforcements should be here any time now." Elias glanced at his left wrist, where he wore a gold watch. "Yeah. Any time now."
"Reinforcements?" Rimmer jumped out of the way of another one of his double's attacks, "Like, what kind of rein-"
"CHAAAAAAAARGE!"
Suddenly, the room was overrun by a diverse herd of two-foot-tall, robe-clad cherub children. Though the little guys were small, there was a whole smegging lot of them. Elias took hold of Rimmer's wrist and floated up to the ceiling, taking Rimmer with him. "We're safer up here," Elias explained. "You don't want to get in their way when they're on a roll like this."
Rimmer finally decided that this was the single most bizarre day of his entire span of existance, and sat back to watch what was happening. The cherubs swarmed around the Demon Rimmer, who in turned screamed loudly and tried to fight them of. His efforts were in vain, for soon the cherubs had him bound and gagged. As the children grabbed the ropes and began to lead the fuming demon away, they all disappeared in a puff of smoke and glitter, taking the demon Rimmer with them.
Rimmer and Elias floated back down to the ground. "That was... odd. But at least he's gone." Rimmer grinned and whirled around, "Hey, Lister! The double thing is—"
His eyes fell on Lister's corpse. Oh no. He had forgotten about that. Slowly, he started towards the body, not completely sure of what he was planning on doing. As he reached Lister, his knees buckled undneath him, and he collapsed to the ground, landing in what could only be blood. Lister's blood. Normally, he would have jumped up and shrieked like an elephant in a rodent-infested sewer, but somehow the thought never occurred to him. Lister is gone. Lister is dead. Lister isn't coming back. Sitting up, his gaze fell on Lister's face. The dark-skinned man's eyes were open, giving an eerie, blank stare. Lister's chest had stopped bleeding, but the wound was still there, and Rimmer could see clear to the floor through the hole.
Rimmer felt horribly nauseated, partly from weariness, partly from seeing his friend dead on the floor, but mostly from the guilt of knowing that Lister had died saving him. "Lister..." He breathed, "Lister... you... smeghead!!" Rimmer grabbed his friend's body by the shoulders, "Why did you do that?! Why?! " He squeezed his friend's shouldrs tightly, feeling a weight in his own chest, a lump in his throat, and tears falling from his eyes. "If you had just waited..."
"If he had waited, you'd have probably died." Elias interrupted. "Lister's death was what alerted us that something was going on here on the Red Dwarf. If he hadn't died for you… you would have died. And maybe him, too." The angel paused. "Lord knows what that demon might have done if he'd managed to bring you down-"
"That demon was me." Rimmer spat. "And that demon was under your care. Some guardian angel you are, you smegging—" Rimmer's eyes widened. "Wait! You're an angel!" He pointed to Lister. "You can bring him back, can't you?"
"I'm...not that powerful." Elias answered guitily. "Look, I'll put in a good word for your friend…but you've gotta understand, death isn't something that's meant to be healed. It'd take a lot to bring him back. The chances are...low. But I'll do what I can."
Rimmer nodded, trying to soak the information in.
"Anyway, I've got to leave now. We haven't had a situation like this up in Heaven for a while, and we're all in a frenzy trying to sort it out. So... maybe I'll see you again sometime, Arnie." Elias disappeared without another word.
Rimmer just stared at lister. Finally he leaned down and buried his face in his arms. "I'm sorry, Lister." He sobbed, "I'm so sorry..."
"Ri...Rimmer?"
Rimmer's eyes snapped open and he bolted upright. "Lister?!" He stared down at the corpse below him, but there was still no sign of life.
"Rimmer, behind you."
The hologram whirled to face Lister's knees. He looked up to find Lister staring over at his own body in shock and horror.
"Rimmer, is that me?!" He yelped.
"Lister!" Rimmer jumped up and ignored both the question, his own pride, and the blood on his clothing to wrap his arms around Lister. "My God, Lister! You're alive! You're ALIVE!"
"And staring at my own dead body! This is smegging weird!" He pushed Rimmer away and hesitantly stepped forward. The two Listers, alive and dead, were wearing the exact same dark green pants and a shirt stained with so much curry and beer that noboy knew what color it originally was. The only difference was that the living Lister was wearing a hat. He turned to face Rimmer again. "What happened to me? I mean, a blow like that...it killed me, right? So why am I not dead?"
"Well, Elias said he'd try to get you brought back... but I never imagined it would be so quick..."
"Elias? Who the smeg is Elias? And what happened to that demon of you?"
"Elias is...was...my guardian angel." Rimmer explained. "He's the one who brought the little winged babies to take Evil-Me back to Hell. Or something like that."
"Angel-Babies?" Lister raised an eyebrow. "I'm not even going to ask. Come on, let's do something with my dead body. It's way to disturbing to just see it sitting here."
"Shall we have a funeral?" Rimmer raised an eyebow. "I could get Kryten and the Ca—" He paused. "Where are those two?"
"Probably still in the Hologram's Central Comptuer room. Smeg, they've been oblivious to this the whole time."
"We've got a lot of explaining to do." Rimmer sighed. "Well, let's at least do something with this body. How about the storage bay?"
Lister shrugged. "Sure, why not? I'll get the arms and you get the legs." He bent down and reached for the arms of his former body. "Smeg, this is weird." He reached forward and grabbed the wrists.
His hands passed right through them.
Lister's eyes went wide. He tried again, and his hands still passed through as if they were air. In a frenzy, he tried to grab the arms. The shoulders. He even tried to grab his dreadlocks, but nothing worked.
"Rimmer…" He said shakily staring at his hands… they were shaking with fear. "Rimmer…what did you do to me?"
"Hm?" Rimmer wasn't paying attention. "What was that?"
"What did you do to me?!" Lister exclaimed, swinging his hand through his corpse like air… or a hologram.
Rimmer's eyes went wide. He jumped up and rushed to Lister, tearing the hat off of the younger man's head.
There, in the center of Lister's forehead, was a shiny new "H".
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To be Continued!
…maybe.