Chapter 10 - Reflections
He was a frelling idiot. Delusional. Insane. A pain in the eema. He was John Crichton!
A drannit! That's what he is, Aeryn thought, as she fumed and strode out of the command center to bring him back. That's what she had attempted to do on Yontur until everything went...how did Crichton say it...pear shaped? But D'Argo grabbed her forearm and insisted she come, only to witness a madman saving a world.
Chiana was anxious, too, appearing jittery. The Nebari squeezed D'Argo's hand as Aeryn watched the clamshell, seeing the disturbing events play before their eyes.
Frell! Why couldn't he change, become safe for her to have? Why did he have to prove himself, justifying his conscience by risking his life? From the apparently extensive planning that had gone into Adu's investigation, Aeryn was convinced that Grayza had preplanned this obliteration long before John arrived. Even John's knowledge of the wormholes didn't surpass the CL3 because she already had a powerful weapon at hand. John was only a means for gaining more power. Why didn't he understand he attracted trouble, and that was what frelled his plans every time. But she knew, from cycles of bad plans and one ultimate sacrifice, that being the savior of the hopeless was an integral part of John Crichton.
Frell him dead. Instantly, remembering still blue eyes and a cooling body, she regretted the thought had crossed her mind, and allowed the persistent hold of D'Argo guide her back to the command center. She allowed it because of her deep trust of John and his need for her and the crew. She put aside her own instincts, her own internal panic, swallowing the memories from Dam Ba Da that threatened to overwhelm her.
She listened this time more tensely, seeing the havoc play before her eyes on the clamshell. For many arns, she had been able to hear the calamity over the comms and the progress of John. And during the near death incidents, the fight with the operatives, Aeryn had remained restless, tense, ready to join him on Yontur when he called. Now, it was obvious that he needed her, but the drannit would not admit it. Again, he was trying to play the hero, and she was too far away to save him.
And the boyish fear played in his eyes. He might not know it, but she saw his eyes flutter, and she listened to the tremor in his voice as she stood with D'Argo and Chiana...
"Guys, stay where you are. I need you right there to monitor things along with Pilot. Understand?" John said.
Aeryn could see through his ploy from his sharp intakes of breath and drawn out words. She suspected from past incidences with John that he was attempting to mislead them. He probably didn't want her to come down only to keep her safe. Yeah, foolish human.
She saw the darkness and intermittent lights flash on and off. The lab seemed to be shaking, walls buckling, and bodies were littered everywhere. No more time was left for them. Aeryn gasped and turned to leave. She needed to go. Several times she glanced toward the door, readying herself to sprint out, but couldn't when she heard his voice again. She inhaled, and settled herself to listen for one more microt.
Just one microt and I will be with you. To protect and help you.
"Aeryn, baby, haven't heard from you. Are you okay?" John asked.
Was she okay? What sort of question was that? She shook her head. He was desperate, the veins in his neck pulsed, his face flushed, and his body appeared beaten, bruises showed on his face and his T-shirt, tattered at the collar and sleeves. All his body signs and even the lab's corruption there proved the stress he was bearing was overwhelming. Her Sebacean heart palpated hard, telling her to go, now. Don't listen to him. Go now. But she gathered herself and spoke to appease him, needing his acquiesce.
"John, we've been hearing everything. And I think it's about time for me to come down and help."
John spread his arms. "Hey, you've missed all the wild action. There's nothing going on down here now."
"The frell there is. I'm coming down." His humanly incapacitated ways always assumed she didn't understand the situation at hand because he's trying to lie to her and wasn't good at it. And, as an officer and a tactician, she did completely. She understood while he was aboard Moya with her, he had promised he would call her down. He hadn't, and the situation was much worse now. Frell him! Aeryn smacked her palm on the console and turned to leave.
"WAIT!" John hollered at the image field. Aeryn hesitated, caught by the desperation in his voice, and D'Argo grabbed Aeryn again by her arm, gently but firmly. Narrowing her eyes, she shot a frigid glare at him, but he was unmoved. Her Luxan friend didn't, couldn't, understand, either.
"Maybe you should listen," D'Argo said, his voice deep, soft, wavering at the end.
Chiana, from behind D'Argo and Aeryn, twisted in her usual stance. "Maybe you ought to listen to him, Aeryn. He's not a fekkik."
Aeryn's gaze traveled from D'Argo's earnest face to Chiana's tearful one. Setting her jaw, Aeryn shook off D'Argo's hand and turned back to the monitor. It was time to settle this with John.
"Okay," Aeryn nodded. "John, what do you have to say before I leave? Because I am coming down to help you."
John was hiding something. His eyes betrayed him, sad, worried, dark. And her stomach dove and her fears grew.
"John? John, what is it? What are you not telling me—"
"Commander, check your monitors." Pilot cut in abruptly. "I believe you'll want to know what is happening to the Spherical."
She didn't know how long she was transfixed seeing death approach, seeing him destined to die, the shadows overtaking him again right before her eyes. She stood until she heard John's command...
"Pilot! STARBURST! NOW!" he yelled into the image field.
Still unable to move, she heard D'Argo yell, "PILOT! STARBURST IMMEDIATELY!"
It was too late to get to her Prowler from command, but she would not be overruled. She had to join John. She had to save him this time.
"Pilot! NEGATE THAT COMMAND!" she yelled immediately, as D'Argo's command echoed first in her ears, then her own. Before her, the image field wildly flashed white, and John's image was gone, the clamshell abruptly empty. Gasping, she spun and took one shaky step toward the door, determined to get to him somehow.
Suddenly, within the carapace of Moya, she felt the thrust throw her into D'Argo, then Chiana. Knocked from their feet, they slammed forward into the consoles and then backwards as Starburst blossomed, taking them to safety. Distantly, caught in the numb space between emotions she never wanted to have, she felt pain rip through the wound in her side. Starburst ebbed, Moya settling into normal space, even as the numbness within her began to fade. She found herself sprawled limply on the deck. And the floor was cold, unsupportive. Her legs had no strength; she could only roll to her knees and tremble.
He promised me! She felt the burning, unwanted tears, stream down to splash on Moya.
"Noooooooo!" Aeryn cried, on her hands and knees. She brought her hand to her belly where their child lay safely. And she moaned, empty, alone, head to Moya's floor, her long dark hair falling to screen the grief twisting her face. Pain reached her heart as she moaned and could feel the gray arms of the Nebari around her and the Nebari's gray tears wash on her collar.
***
Alone. In her bed, shadows receded from flickers of a light. John? No John. Just waking, she had been viewing the chip for the tenth time and had fallen asleep from weariness. No warmth, but the life growing in her. She rubbed her flat stomach. She would always treasure his sweet moments, tender and irritatingly emotional. Aeryn's fingers trembled, playing with the edge of bandage on her wound--the wound that had kept her from him, kept her from saving him. But you promised. She placed the bottom of her vest back over it and lay still in her bed. The chip's image played against the golden wall. His face, smiling. How could he smile? Insane, that's what he was. They flowed again, tears, frelling things. Tears, and John Crichton, seemed to go together more times than not. Messy tears, she wouldn't be able to see John through them. With her hands, she finally wiped them from her face onto her leather pants and tried to focus on his face.
"Hey, babe. I don't know how to say this." His image shone through Moya's transmission of the chip D'Argo gave her. The DRD steadily held its position projecting the image all along. Aeryn propped herself up, drinking in his image like water.
"It's sort of a backup plan...you know, fail safe for you and our baby. That's why Moya Starburst."
Thoughtfully, Aeryn shifted. He couldn't know the child was actually his. It could've been the other John's, his other self. She grunted as her eyebrows lifted, crinkling her forehead.
What did John call it? Schizoid? She laughed softly at that thought.
She replied to John's voice. "Well, look what you did. D'Argo and Noranti treated me as if I were a stupid grunt who couldn't hold her own pulse pistol," she said, flipping up the edge of her vest again to look down at her newly bandaged wound that had opened from Starburst just arns ago.
A small wry smile trembled on her lips as she looked up again at his image. It felt as if she were there with John as he recorded this, there sitting in his lap while he grinned quirkily. "You always frell things up, John Crichton."
"I love you...would do anything for both of you. If you're watching this, then the inevitable has already happened. Big kick in the pants...eh." He bobbed his head, and smiled tightly.
Oh. Aeryn caught herself, trying to swallow her emotions, her hand pressed against her chest, and nodded her head in cue with his.
Oh the pain. Pain at parting, done so often, and yet more intense each time.
And she remembered when John took her hands to intertwine right before she was leaving with Crais aboard Taylon. The tenderness in his eyes shown then and his smile, confident, secure...
"Last time we stood here, we didn't say good-bye."
"And it wasn't good-bye, as it turned out."
"Here's hoping history repeats itself."
And it had. Then.
"Can't help it. Guess fate grinds us in the ground. Literally. Hey, I just want my kid to remember me, Aeryn. Okay?"
She smiled and remembered when John was with her in her room before he departed for Yontur...
"John?"
"Yeah?" His voice was muffled, while speaking into her stomach.
"Why are you doing this, your mouth on my stomach?"
"An Earth tradition. We're communicating to our baby. If he's got ears like yours, then he'll hear us."
She softly whispered into his ears, "You better not die, or I'll kill you myself."
Rubbing her stomach, she looked down and spoke to her unborn child within her womb, mimicking what John would have done.
"If you're anything like your father, then we're both bound for trouble. We'll have to hide you in the neural cluster to keep you from your father's enemies. Hah, I'm mistaken. Having his DNA, you'll probably have a whole new squadron of enemies for you to play with." She chuckled, throat tight with held-back tears. "That's all right...we're family here. We know how to handle calamities."
And her emotions played along with the chip. She listened to him talk to his unborn child.
"Hi, little bud. Want you to know that your dad was an astronaut, until I ended up here. Ask your mom, she'll tell ya. I'm the cowboy of the Universe! Hah! Whaduya think of that?"
He's head did that unusual human jerk motion to add more fuel to his words. Forever the showoff. Aeryn chucked. Then she heard a loud smacking noise. Probably slapped his knee. He would do that.
The recording continued. "I've got to cut off, don't have much time. But, kiddo, you've got a heritage to fulfill. And from the looks of things, you'll do well."
His eyes shined, sparkled with pride. Aeryn marveled at how John could speak and feel so much for something intangible, unborn.
"Your granddad was a hero. He loved me. I wish he could've been there for you like my dad was for me. I wish I could've been the dad you need there beside you, but this is the best I can do."
So, Aeryn mused, you've been crying, too.
She saw him wiping his eyes with his hands and playing it off by laughing. Then his voice softened. "Don't worry 'bout me." He cocked his head. "Just a little tired, that's all. Aeryn and I, we've had a heck of a time out here. Wouldn't trade it for the world. And...and I want you to take care of your mommy, okay?..." His voice trailed away. There was a long pause as if he were struggling for words, then... "Love you both." He shook his head and the recording abruptly ended. The chip was her bittersweet joy.
John's abandonment, even though it was out of self-sacrifice for her and the others cut her so deeply. She had never known what being loved meant until he had come along. And now she was so ignorant of things so simple, such as raising a child. She was alone. Devastated. The dream of having a father for her child had been wrenched from her, and now she was left on Moya, haunted by memories.
Suddenly, out of her pain and panic, her decision was made clear. As soon as she could, she would leave and join another mercenary unit to do what she had been bred to do. She could not combat the piercing echoes of his presence within Moya, even though her small circle of family was aboard this wondrous prison ship. Prison ship it still was, this time making her a prisoner of emotions, of memories, of fate
But first, there was one thing she had to do for John Crichton. And for herself.
Moments later, Aeryn's comm crackled on, letting her know someone was contacting her.
"Officer Sun?" Pilot said, his voice soft, hesitant as if wary to disturb her.
"Yes, Pilot?" Aeryn rose from her bed, automatically settling into the erect carriage of her Peacekeeper heritage.
"D'Argo is requesting everyone to meet him in the command center."
"Pilot, would you please let D'Argo know I want to meet with him first before everyone is notified?"
"Yes. Officer Sun..." Pilot voice caught and Aeryn waited for him to say something.
"Pilot, is there anything else?"
"I don't mean to intrude, but Moya and I were wondering if you were all right?"
The navigator of the stars had a special bond with her and she with him, allowing him to be more forward with her than the rest of the crew. It was his DNA she shared that, at first, was a nightmare but now a gift. She smiled and caressed one of Moya's ribs.
"Trust me, Pilot, I'm fine." She felt the soft tremors of Moya through her ribs, acknowledging Aeryn's fair condition. With a soft pat, Aeryn gave silent thanks to the living ship.
***
"I've found the chip," D'Argo said. He seemed to be anxious to share with everyone the chip he had in his hand. He bashfully lowered his head. "It was missing. One of the DRDs had put it in my room. I didn't know it was there." He sheepishly smiled.
"I'm happy for you," Aeryn said, sarcastically. "I have a few words to have with you."
D'Argo squinted his eyes, almost buried by the plates of his huge brow. "I thought you would be interested in this. It's very important."
"Yes, D'Argo, I am, but I have something I need to share with you right now before everyone else gets here." Her voice was taut, its softness at odds with the steel in her eyes.
D'Argo sighed, his massive chest releasing the air, and then shook his head. His deep voice rumbled and wavered. "It can't be about--"
Aeryn interrupted. "Let me guess for you. Starburst immediately? D'Argo, I can't believe you negated my command like that! You knew all along I had to get John." She shook her head, beginning to tremble at the horror of what had happened, and fought to maintain her calm.
"I...I'm sorry, Aeryn. I had to." This one time his huge frame belied its structure, seeming to buckle beneath her fury. Inhaling and exhaling, he bellowed air out. Frelling Luxans can't even breathe quietly.
"What, D'Argo?" She shook her head waiting for an answer. "What?"
His voice always boomed when under stress. Instead, she realized he was venting air to appease his conscience. She wondered why he seemed guilt-ridden. She prepared herself for the worst explanation from her warrior companion now turned traitor.
"John only wanted to protect you and the child. He had that right, Aeryn."
Aeryn said nothing, soaking in the new information. She shook her head, dismissing it. What about my right, my right to protect him from himself?
"You betrayed me, D'Argo. You know how he is..." she paused, steadying her voice, "...was. You know he makes dren out of his plans."
"Aeryn, I'm sorry. I care about him, too."
"Don't patronize me," she hissed, jaw set hard, and, then turned to the forward portal. The stars were still hanging in space, empty, devoid of life for her. "And don't negate this command because we're turning back, and we're searching for John. And whether we find him dead or alive, I'm leaving this place." She stood rigid, sick to her stomach at the betrayal of one of her closest friends.
"It would be dangerous and the others--"
Once again, Aeryn interrupted D'Argo. "No, don't tell me about the others. I know what you're about to say. They have to agree, too. Right?" D'Argo nodded. "Well, I didn't see them agree to Starburst."
"That's not the same thing, and it was John's doing."
"Right. Well, this is my doing. Pilot!" Aeryn marched to the clamshell, as if his appearance would resolve the matter. But D'Argo caught her wrist and restrained her. If they weren't family, Aeryn would have blasted him with her pulse pistol. But he was still family, though a traitor.
"No, Aeryn. Don't," D'Argo said, gripped her wrist, and she felt him forcefully turn her to him. Aeryn yanked her arm out of his strong grasp.
"D'Argo, unlike you, I believe he's alive. And I want to be sure, so we're turning back. Pilot has enough navigational information in this part of space to position us and track our way back. Understand?"
D'Argo sighed. "It's dangerous. We don't know how much radiation and rubble from the planets could affect Moya."
"You should have thought about that before you yelled Starburst."
"Aeryn, you can't blame anyone. You wouldn't have made it down there anyway. You can't make a decision until everyone has viewed this chip. Wait. Okay?"
Acquiescing, she crossed her arms tightly and nodded, lips stiff, the muscles in her jaw knotted. A few microts would not change her decision. Frell, if she had to, she would have Pilot plot a course for her and travel the distance herself in her Prowler.
***
They gathered around to view the chip of their lost friend and member of their quaint family. They waited with baited breath, hearing the musing of a human who had touched them despite their misgivings. In spite of it all, they loved him, that simple man who had struggled against the universe, and finally lost, never finding a way home. Perhaps he made it, finally to the place humans go...heaven?
There was a stark contrast between her chip and this one made for them. He was healthier in hers, probably had been done when he was here on Moya with her. In this one, he appeared to be on Yontur in the lab. His face was streaked with dust, mortar, and a film of some dark soot. Unable to look at him, Aeryn rubbed her face with both hands, willing back the tears. She hated seeing him in that condition, drawn, filthy, stricken with fatigue, barely existing. The way his strong shoulders slumped--defeated--caught Aeryn's heart and made her grieve silently even more. It must've been near the end.
"Hey, guys. Whassup! Looks like things are getting pretty hairy out here. You couldn't clear the place with a weed whacker." His torn laugh was brittle, a shadow of his warm, resonant chuckle. "I know it looks pretty bad, but things will start lookin' up. You might think me fahrbot, but the shields will work...if they hold--" His voice trailed away and he looked around nervously. "Things are about to go. Thanks to Pilot and Moya, I've been able to update this chip." That wry grin flashed wearily, and Aeryn's stomach lurched again. "Hey, D'Argo, just in case you're wondering what happened to the chip. Moya had 1812 get it for me to record over it." The lights flashed within the lab, and the recorded image shook from the tremors. "I need you to come back. To rendezvous with me at the third planet, whatever its name is. The one that's farthest out in this region. Don't forget me, guys. I'm counting on you."
Chiana leaped up with her arms extended in the air, her joyful scream splitting the air. "I knew it! Hah, he's not a fekkik after all."
"Well," Rygel said, hovering in his sled throne, "Yotz! It seems we can never be rid of that human. He always turns up like a bad Cretmar."
His words were in sharp contrast to the wide grin on his face—a contrast that Aeryn was beyond noticing as she hit the Hynerian upside his head. "Shut up, Slug." Something lifted within her and felt as light as Rygel's sled. She kept her controlled demeanor, head lifted, chin up, and chest out. She was trained to maintain structure and focus, to strategize and overcome, and that training had served her well yet again. My instinct to turn back is right. John had done well and survived; she knew it, could feel it with each beat of her cautiously hopeful heart. Hope. What has that human done to me?
"How long do you estimate our arrival, D'Argo?" Noranti asked. "I want to have my best stew prepared."
"Pilot?" D'Argo answered in response to Noranti's question.
The clamshell came to life and graced them with their pilot. They turned to the servicer with the much anticipated news.
"Two weekens," the navigator said. "I'm setting course now."
And Moya proceeded toward what was left of Yontur.
***
Two weekens? More like two cycles. Aeryn stood ready with her pulse pistol aimed at the opening door of the hangar bay, slinging her hair out of her eyes. In the Uncharted Territories, when two crafts didn't identify themselves, there would be firepower to pay. After all, they had to protect themselves. Their only means of defense, other than Moya's Starburst, was their personal weapons.
They stood, D'Argo posing next to her in his warrior stance with Qualta Blade aimed to fire. Chiana stood by his side with a pulse rifle gripped in her slender but steady hands. Rygel held a small pistol, appearing just a menacing as the rest of them. Always happy to help, Noranti stood with a fistful of knockout dust. With crossed arms, not interested in being armed, Sikozu stood a bit apart from the others. She probably thinks she's above carrying weapons. The fiery-haired trelk would learn soon enough.
Wryly, Aeryn realized they weren't an especially impressive squad to face down intruders. They certainly were nothing like the well-organized team she had recently served with. But looks can be so deceiving, she thought, gazing at the wreck of the two ship that Moya's docking web had pulled into the Leviathan. They were John's module and Adu's Delta. It was so damaged that Aeryn had doubted the veracity of Pilot's readings of life signs aboard since no one had answered their comms.
After lighting down from the damaged module, he came strutting in through the opened door of the hangar bay, slowly with his arms raised in surrender that took her breath away. His cocky grin lit up his worn face, and she suddenly couldn't breathe, her hands trembling on her pulse pistol as hope flooded her. But he could be an alien. She kept her weapon aimed, tense with heart speeding faster than her prowler. And then behind him appeared Adu with arms up in surrender, too.
"Well, dang! It's good to be back home. It's me, guys! Yontur, Adu, and me. Come on and say, Hi!" He laughed with hands waving in the air, and the weapons finally lowered, smiles flashing all around. Then Chiana leaped into his arms, and Aeryn rolled her eyes, fighting a smile at the girl's exuberance.
"It's been so long, you fekkik! You scared the dren out of us," Chiana said, after he put her down. She chuckled and swayed, her hands still gripping his arms.
"Well, I missed you, too, Pip." He smiled and gently touched the Nebari's face. The lights in his eyes danced when he glanced over at Aeryn.
Aeryn made herself hold back, fighting the urge to follow Chiana's example. John always caused her foundation to sway. Even with the loss of weight and filth that covered all of him, he still had that effect on her. His scent, even from motras away--dirt, sweat, and the musk of a male caused her to flush. She shook her head, trying to level her senses, to maintain her eroding control.
It was painful for Aeryn to stand back and watch John's enthusiasm to be back, handshaking and sharing a masculine hug with D'Argo, ruffling Rygel's earbrows, waving to Sikozu, smacking a kiss on Noranti's wrinkled cheek. He appeared as the naive John of the first cycle. He hasn't learned a frelling thing about taking risks and paying the cost. He thinks everything's fine because he's dodged death again. How many more times, John? How many more before...
Closing her eyes, she reached for her waning strength and steadied her resolve. She knew whatever joy he was experiencing now would be soon over.
Adu came forward in front of the crew to stand by John and nodded. "If you hadn't returned for us, I think we would have become space dust. Isn't that right, brother man?"
John laughed. "Corny, but right. Turned out we ran out of fuel real quick. He escorted me to make sure I got here okay. Yep," John threw his arm around the teal uniformed warrior. "Adu saved my butt too many times. So we're among the Jerry Springer family." He took his arm from around Adu and approached Noranti. "Where's the food? I'm starved. I could eat a horse."
Noranti squinted her three eyes at him, "I'm the only one allowed not to bathe, keeps the juices flowing. You, Commander, have no juices...you smell."
"Hey, can I have just a Twinkie?" Her third eye opened with a purple hue. "Okay, how 'bout a beef jerky?" She shook her head, nose wrinkling, and backed up a couple steps.
"Clam chowder cream stew with spider relish. And it will be delicious." She rubbed her hands and with wrinkles decorating her face, she smiled. "Give me a couple of arns. Yes, everyone will love this. It's my specialty. You'll see." On that high note, Noranti happily headed toward the kitchen. Everyone followed her, especially Rygel whirring on his sled throne without a word.
Everyone except Aeryn, John, and Adu, they lagged behind.
***
It was a golden treasure being back from the nightmare that haunted him. He felt the floating sensation that never ceased to astound him; the feeling that meant he was home. Moya, he was back. And when he saw Aeryn, he felt as if he were swaying, but not from fatigue, not from hunger. It was her this time causing the storm to rise in him, his heart to ascend and descend with each look she gave him, the tightness of her posture betraying her fragile control.
My equilibrium is off again.
That's how he felt...at that moment when he stepped through the bay opening and saw her ready to shoot, her hair flowing back. After all the sadness on Yontur, the mere sight of her made his heart glad. Heck, he felt so good, he could even eat Noranti's chow now.
But when they lagged behind, Aeryn stopped and turned to him. Adu stopped in synch with John. Her eyes blinked a little more than usual, and her jaw was working, but her face had that chiseled, set look again. Uh-oh, the Peacekeeper is back. Things are heading south. John's fears began to mount when she stiffened her shoulders, chin tilting up, determination in every line of her body. Not now. I can't bear any more bad news. But John didn't know how far south things would go until she opened her mouth and blurted out her new plans.
"After we return to Yontur, and Adu refuels to return, I'm going back with him." Her chin was set and her eyes hard. She had knocked the wind out of him. All John could do was gape, arms hanging, just staring at her, as the light splintered in his eyes and his hope shattered around him.
Aeryn shook her head, a quick jerk. "John, I have to go back. I have things to finish. I never said I would stay on Moya."
He sucked in a breath. "You can't mean this." His tone was sharp, his words clipped.
She continued as if nothing had happened between them, no history of love, speaking in that matter-of-fact tone. "I'm rejoining the unit down there, if it's still in operation. I just need to get away, sort things out."
His mind turned in on itself, even as his soul ripped apart. Rubbing his face hard, he then pressed his palm against his forehead. "You think you're soooo close to the shore. You've got just one more lousy nautical mile to go. And then all the oars are snatched from from your hands, and there's a hole in the frelling boat. Titanic?" His wry smile appeared and then he laughed, dryly, humorlessly. "Doesn't have nothing on this."
Shaking his head, he pointed to Adu first. "SCREW YOU!" Then he snapped at Aeryn, "and...SCREW YOU!" He left, burning inside, to protect them from his anger. He didn't know what he would do next.
He stalked away, barely noticing Chiana heading back their way. She slammed into him. He retreated somewhere to the point of not caring if a wall slammed into him.
"Hey!" Chiana yelled. "Watch where you're going."
And he kept walking, on automatic pilot, down the corridors. No destination in mind, just the whirring anger in his head, the darkness pushing him, taunting him.
He didn't hear her approach, didn't sense her until her slender hand caught his arm, the gentleness of her grip making him stumble blindly to a stop
"Is it true? Aeryn's leaving?" Chiana asked, her tender eyes pleading, caring.
John opened his mouth to say, Yeah, it's true, but it never came out. He had no more to give. Pip, his gray Nebari girl, took his fingers and intertwined them with hers.
"That trelk. If she only knew what she's doing to you." Chiana looked at him with her dark pools swirling with tears. "She needs her eema kicked," she said fiercely.
John squeezed her hands and put them to his chest. They were family, no harm should ever come to family. He shook his head, "No, don't. It's not worth it." Then he let her hands go and left for his quarters to shower. He smelled like a dead rat and the grime was chafing his skin.
***
Aeryn stood there, stunned at his reaction. That is just what she didn't need. His dren. His self-centered dren. Look at him, knocking over Chiana, never stopping to help her. He never missed a step, so wrapped up in what he wanted, in his emotions.
"What's going on with John?" Chiana asked Aeryn. Her head swayed, making Aeryn , her pulse hammering from the stress of the confrontation with John. "Tell me," she hissed.
"Apparently, this has nothing to do with John. I'm just returning to my unit. Things will be the same as they were before. Normal." Aeryn shrugged her shoulders, jaw tight, refusing to give into the same emotions that had sent John storming away.
Furiously, Chiana pointed to Aeryn. "You trelk! After all he's been through, you tell him you're leaving him--again? Just when he gets back? You're a real—a real fekkik, you know that?" And she sprinted away.
Aeryn rolled her eyes as Chiana disappeared down the corridor. Deep down somewhere within her carefully constructed shell around her emotions, she despised herself, hated what she had done.
She could feel Adu's disapproval radiating from him as well.
"Well, I didn't know it would turn out this way. I can see you don't approve of this. You're not talking. You know, I used to hate babbling. But when it's not coming from you, that speaks volumes. What is the problem, Captain?" She asked, sharply.
"You are the perfect model of a Peacekeeper. Did you know, Officer Sun, they build with their rigid structures. Then by some uncanny twist of things, they destroy the very thing they had built."
"I've never seen it that way. Structure is what maintains order. Do you think I am destroying something?" Although her tone was cutting, she knew exactly what he meant. She had helped shape John, build him into what he had become here in the Uncharted Territories. She had always been his support, his foundation; now she was pulling that support from him when he needed it most.
In truth, her emotions weren't capable of accepting this John again, after not only witnessing him so close to death, but the eagerness with which he put himself into danger. It was better to sever herself from him now rather than watch him die later. Better to go on alone, to raise this child alone, than go through that grief yet again in a few short monens, a few cycles. Or was it?
And at that moment, the pain she felt when watching the chip returned. Miserable if you do and miserable if you don't. Peace and safety of her cold bunk bed among her empty-hearted team members, who never involved themselves in the complexity of emotional relationships, for as long as she survived. Peace and safety and the warmth of love with him aboard Moya, for as long as he survived. A choice? What frelling choice could she make? Only the wrong one, either way.
Shaking herself from her roiling thoughts, she faced Adu and braced herself for the harsh words she expected from him.
Adu sighed, but strangely he didn't badger her or condemn her. He only softly smiled. "I have been with him for awhile and find him full of courage with a raging compassion for others. But when things involved you, if anything got in the way of you, he became a raging animal, ready to tear the intruder from limb to limb. Aeryn, my girl?"
"Yes?" she said stiffly, fighting to hold onto her resolve, to banish her doubts.
"He is so fragile. Such a fragile creature and he's ready to break. He can only stretch so far."
She lifted her chin, "And what has that to do with me?"
"Everything, girlie. You are his breaking point."
"So, I'm responsible for him breaking?"
"Actually, he has made you responsible. And you have made yourself responsible to him."
"You know, I'm leaving with you whether you wait for me or not." She didn't want to hear anymore of this drabble. It was too unsettling, too close to her own thoughts and fears.
"Well, it will take until tomorrow to reach Yontur," Adu said. "Go to him. At least make him understand. And don't be so hard on the human. I know how you feel about him."
"I ought to give you Pantak Jab for interfering with my life, my decisions," she said, without any heat to her words.
He smiled broadly, resting a hand on her taut shoulder, and she felt a rush of warmth for him. She had missed his companionship, even though it was John who always filled her thoughts.
"Go on, lady girl, talk to him. Don't hide your feelings. He needs to know how you feel about him, not what you know about him. And tell him I need to speak with him before I leave tomorrow. All rightie?" He nudged her down the corridor with his strong arm, and despite herself, she moved quickly, as if in response to an order.
***
He'd been from hell and back and then back again. Tepid water splashed against his worn skin and wounded back; he leaned on his hands, palms flat against the wall of the shower stall. Let the wet fall, washing away the grime. Disgusting. And his salty tears meshed with the shower's spray. He shook his head while the filth of Grayza and Yontur washed from his skin. Somehow the thought of Grayza hadn't touched him out there when his fears had been at their peak. But now alone in the silence, water battering his body, he could feel her touching his skin. His breath caught and his body responded, pulsed from the residue of perfume finally washing off.
Sssss...get off me!
John hissed, pounding on the stall's walls to redirect the pain into his arms rather than his loins. All it took was the memory of her, of the scent of her, and he was--
Turn the temperature down.
Cold water. Shock. All these were to bring his unwanted lust in check. His muscles coiled and withdrew, rejecting the discomfort of frigid degrees.
You don't have my heart.
He repeated it as a mantra, as a protection against those memories, trying to ignore the fact that the one person who did have his heart...didn't want it.
He rubbed the soap on his hairy chest, harder and harder, trying to rid himself of the filth. And the shame. The thick smell of mortar and dirt dissipated with the spicy scent of soap. Wash it off and come clean. Come on boy, don't die on me now. You've got control. It's over. Let it go. Let her go.
And then he hacked, cramped, crying inside because of Aeryn's rejection, ripping away of the last of his strength. His stomach had nothing to offer the shower's drain but white unrecognizable remains. He spit up, trying to purge himself of Grayza's lips and tongue, and her attempted annihilation of Yontur.
Rea'lan... Oh, God, have mercy on me.
It had been his fault. But he had thought she was okay from his falling on her. They had taken care of her and kept her wrapped in his coat, given her plenty of water. And yet she had... The memory held onto him with locked jaws. Bittersweet. As he gasped for air, John felt his salty tears with Moya's water mix in his mouth, then he coughed them forth. And he lamented. It was the first time he could grieve after the incident of the Spherical. He had commanded the switch of the signature, bracing for impact. And it had happened. All the electrical power units and generators were wiped out, and the underground walls barely stood up. But they had survived. It was most of the recovering Sebaceans that hadn't because of the quick switch. Poor souls didn't have enough time to recover. And Rea'lan was one of them.
The sorrow overwhelmed John as he slid onto the stall's floor, weeping. The child's face paled and her sweet black pools flashed and death captured her. She screamed for her sister, Kha'Lan. Then she was gone. Death had taken its toll, claiming two hundred and fifty souls. He sat with the cold water beating on him until his body pruned. And he looked up. The beads of water fell.
God, forgive me.
***
He finished the shower and put on a fresh black T-shirt, underwear, and a spare pair of leather pants. And he went toward his gun and cleaning kit on the shelf to make sure everything was in place. Satisfied, he strode toward his bed. He didn't want anyone to disturb him. Dinner. Everyone was eating by now, but not him. Food didn't much appeal to him at the moment, having heard Aeryn's bad news.
At least he felt a little cleaner. John sighed and plopped down on the edge of his bed and placed elbows on knees, covering his face with his hands. A few moments later, as if drawn by intuition, he looked up at the cell door opening slowly to reveal the only thing in the universe he wanted.
"John?" Aeryn hesitated, not quite entering the room.
He raked his fingers through his hair and looked at her standing at the doorway. "Yeah?" Of all the people here, she had to be the one standing there, firing up his loins. After all that happened to him, she still looked like a sunbeam slicing the darkness. And her low sultry voice would make any man drool, especially him. And John sat there, drooling internally, gaping up at her, despite her earlier broadcasted news. I'm a dang fool, and I know it.
"Everyone asked about you when you didn't show up for dinner," Aeryn continued, slinging her hair back from her face unconsciously. It was his delight, his long awaited secret pleasure to watch it flow back like that, rippling over her shoulder and exposing the ivory of her neck.
Swallowing, he forced himself to stop admiring her. She didn't seem to know or care about the effect she had on him anyway; she was leaving him again. Although he didn't think he could sway her determination--she was in full Peacekeeper mode, he knew from her straight-shouldered stance--he had to let her know he didn't approve, and he didn't want her to leave. Calmly. Rationally. Yeah, right. So John glanced away from her to focus on his cleaning kit and pulse pistol on the shelf. "Sorry, didn't know that much time passed," he replied, dryly.
"Actually, Noranti miscalculated. It took about an arn. We missed you." John peered at her incredulously, wondering why she came to him so nonchalantly, focusing on small talk. Doesn't she care about me at all? Can't she see what this is doing to me?
"I was kind of busy." His voice sounded more raw than he expected.
"You should've heard D'Argo and Adu compete for who's the better warrior." She laughed softly. The way the left side of her mouth curved up always caught his eye, and he was riveted suddenly, the longing to touch her firing through his entire body. "There's some more of that stew left. It was really delicious. You should have some."
He tried to tear his eyes away, to focus on the pulse pistol he had picked up, but the best he could do was try not to sound totally whipped. "I'm not hungry now, looking at the situation."
"You said you were hungry as a..." Aeryn paused and puckered her lips. Delicious, like a full tulip ready to be plucked and stroked by his lips. "...hossswsse."
John could have fainted at hearing her Sebacean accent turn sounds into something not interpreted by the translator microbes. English! It was the first time he had heard her speak his native tongue. Swimming in multiple colors, that's what it felt like. A roller coaster of excitement...then it faded to the memory of the other John. His counterpart must've taught her. They had been that close--very close--frell, obviously far closer than he had managed to be. And here he stood receiving the residue of the effect the other guy had had on her.
"It's horse, Aeryn. Hungry as a horse," he said harshly, his knuckles whitening in a balled fist.
Perhaps she finally read something in his eyes, because her face changed, becoming somber. She shook her head slightly before she spoke. "I wanted to explain why I am going to lea--"
"You don't have to," he interrupted, wanting to touch her, but restraining himself. He ached to feel the slight coolness of her skin against his, to run his fingers through the dark silk of her hair, to smell--
Heppel oil.
Its memory filled his nostrils, choking him, releasing a swirl of other memories; memories that couldn't be washed away with water. Those recollections of forced desire collided painfully with what he felt now, for Aeryn, until it all became clear.
She had to be leaving because of Grayza raping him. Had to be it. There was nothing else he had done that would result in Aeryn's behavior... But she didn't understand, couldn't understand, the betrayal of his own body...And how do I apologize, make up for that? And as he thought, Aeryn stood silent before him, pain darkening her eyes.
So many times he had caused her pain. He had denounced her and the child. And Aeryn had heard it all in that lab. Nearly two cycles ago, she had asked him on the frozen planet did he remember what he had said in the neural cluster before he knocked her unconscious...
"Aeryn... uh, did I say or... do anything to piss you off? I-I mean, other than caving in the side of your head? "
"Are you serious?"
John remembered how Aeryn had turned toward him, brow furrowed with disbelief. His mouth had worked ineffectually, he unable find words to express his own confusion...
"I-- "
"Do you not remember?"
And he hadn't remember a thing. The neural clone had used his body to harm her, releasing control to him only so that he could see the effects, the pain. But even then, how could he know what was still in store? It had taken hold of him again later. And after the neural clone had guided the module into her prowler's canopy, John gained control only in time to see her die.
And here she stood in front of him searching for words, her own control fragile.
"I want you to understand."
"Understand what? All I don't get is why you're leaving."
Aeryn held her hand out straight. It trembled. "I have to stay in control of my life. Level like this." Then she lowered it to her side. "You've always said I could be better."
"You can be. You are! You don't have to leave to be--"
"I had a life, John, before you came. I am with a mercenary group. As a matter of fact they are highly respected."
"Uh-huh, but our baby has a life, too. You ever thought of that?"
"Yes. But I see you won't listen." Aeryn started to leave, but John grabbed her arm. He didn't want the conversation to end this way.
He captured her hand between both of his and brought it to his heart. "I'm only human." First mistake. He felt electrical shock between them. Heat struck again, but its fierce intensity was welcome, mutual, not forced. Her eyes swirled in whirlpools of gray and blue, like the wormholes he sought. "What are you doing to me, Aeryn?" he asked, his voice, gruff, heavy.
She didn't say anything, caught in the same trap, trembling as much as he as they drew together, hands separating to slide over shoulders. Feeling her against him, the soft curves of her body overwhelmed him. Unable to resist, he slowly hesitantly lowered himself to the full lips that tantalized him from the beginning. Don't run away, Aeryn. Not now. She answered his thoughts, falling forward into him, and in that moment his senses were filled with her, only her. A memory tried to coalesce, a hint of oil; he breathed deeply her scent instead, the sweetness of Aeryn. And she responded, her desire for him quelling any of his doubts. She still wants me, after Grayza, after everything....
He was shocked by the things she did. How she grabbed him, her hand moving through his hair, possessing him. And he kissed her hard, shackled to her always. His tongue tasted the sweet curves of her mouth. Hot flashes scorched him while his nose slid down her slope, cartilage bending against hers. Cheeks chafing, lips wet, they slid from one side to the other. He devoured her, his hands tracing the softer curves of her body, pressing her against his chest.
Ohhhh...he couldn't take it anymore. They'd end up in bed with nothing resolved. Yet hot kisses were the only trap to hopefully snare her from her flight. His desperate need for her bloomed until his heart stung. This had to be right, not just a quick frell. He needed to let her how he felt right now if only to keep her from running away again. Releasing her lips, he stroked the side of her face while her mouth gaped insistently for more of his.
"Aeryn?" Her gasping caused his loins to pulse more, and she had to know it, molded against him. Slow down. Keep your cool. He caught himself. He closed his eyes and settled in the warm crevice of her cool neck. Don't run from me, baby, I love you beyond hope, he thought, praying the right words would come.
"Baby, what can I do to make you stay?" he whispered it into her ear, his voice low and rumbling.
"Nothing." Her lashes fluttered against his cheek, her hands still roaming his body, warm contrast to her tone.
Frell! She said it so coldly. He froze at her response, his heart dashing into a million shards. Mechanically, he released her and stepped back to see the result of their passion. Her Sebacean lips were flushed, and her cheeks rosy from excitement. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. Why won't you stay? You're carrying my child. What the frell am I supposed to do? How do I let you go this time?
"Adu wants to speak with you--"
"Hah! Adu. Of all people, you have to bring up Captain Kangaroo NOW!"
"John, he needs to see you tomorrow before he leaves."
"Before you both leave, right? So you expect me to take a licking and keep on ticking, huh? I'm the Energizer Bunny, I keep goin' and goin' and goin'. I'm nothin' to you, right?"
"No...no, that's not true." Her eyes were threatening waterfalls again. That was the one thing he couldn't witness, her crying now, because, like Humpty Dumpty, he would fracture beyond all repair.
"Look, let's forget this. Go on. Take Adu and fly off to your precious cause. I can't force you to stay. You've won." He laughed bitterly and looked up. "My kids are scattered across the universe." He looked at her, his lips tight, unable to hold his pain inside any longer. "What an irony. All I want is you and a family."
"I'm sorry." She was quaking. They had hurt each other so badly again. Maybe that's what they were best at doing.
"Yeah, so am I."
She left as fast as that with his heart under her sleeve and nothing in his empty cavity to salvage. Taking his cleaning kit and pistol, he walked toward the door. He would've stopped by the kitchen for a hard drink, but he wanted to be alone and not run into anybody. He had to do something, needing to feel like he was flying out there with the stars, not trapped in a life he didn't choose. Shoot! With some dismay, he looked at Winona. He was an astronaut, not GI Joe.
***
The stars blazed as John watched them from the terrace. Fuchsia, violet, azure, and, gold...man, it was beautiful. Brilliant...flowers to decorate her hair and jewels to adorn her beauty. The swirling of nebulas and quasars splashed across the black velvet of space, a gift for safekeeping to hand to her.
It's a way to say goodbye to my love. What a gift for you, Aeryn, to have been born among the stars.
John sighed and envied her strength. He wished he had that drink.
He sat, looking out there, his window to freedom. He was crushed, wishing to be home on Earth, no worries, no pain, no torture...just a geeky guy surviving life's thrill of an astronaut. But he wouldn't fit there anymore. He'd killed too many here, seen too many horrors.
Looking at the hands that had splattered blood from one end of the Uncharted Territories to the other, John wondered if he had somehow planned his way of life to become one to kill or be killed. To destroy rather than to build? To hate rather than to love? Could he ever return to his former self? He decided with a shake of his head. No. Fate, choice, life, whatever it was--he was no longer the astronaut John Crichton.
John's back started aching again and his crotch stung miserably with unfulfilled desire, but probably was the wound inflicted by Grayza for his DNA. Once more her abuse reminded him how things really were out there in the Uncharted Territories. He laughed humorlessly. I'm really messed up. He wasn't the same geeky guy. He was hardened, sometimes cruel, and right now? Unwanted. Unloved.
John sadly lowered his head and looked at his pistol to front of him on the floor. He sat crossed legged with his kit and pistol on a towel. With a series of clicks, he took out the cartridge and proceeded to apply the cleanser. He rubbed and rubbed to take off the stench of Grayza's mouth. Satisfied, he continued polishing his Winona to a high sheen and was happy to see the reflection of the stars limn the ebony surface. He stood up, stretched his back and set his feet apart to anchor his stance. Ready for the next step, he extended the pistol with a straight arm in front of him.
Best to say goodbye to her fresh and clean.
Craving the love of his life, John's lips slid down the smooth weapon, tracing the long sleek lines of the pistol. The touch was sweet... Cool like Aeryn. Holding his pistol by its handle, he caressed the barrel against his cheek, slowly... Graceful, like her. Then he laid the pistol in the flat of his palm. Balancing the weapon to test its weight, he thought of the many times it had saved his life... Strong, reliable like my Aeryn.
He had become more of a man because of her. John had gained an inner strength from Aeryn, to endure pain, to discipline himself as a hunter rather than a scientist. She had taught him to survive. And without her, he would be dead.
John traced his fingers along the deep groves that ran parallel along the length of the alien gun, flowing to make it a work of art... Ebony like her hair, her sweet hair. His chest heaved as he looked at the weapon, and then he aimed it toward Moya's thin membrane to the stars.
You just killed me with one shot to the heart, he thought, aiming to the stars. "KA-POW!" he said, loudly, mimicking the loud report of the pistol and the reaction of its recoil.
"Your leaving me is that fatal, Aeryn," he said to himself. The rush of heat came to his face, and then the tears threatened to fall. "Why are you doing this to me?" John quickly raised the pistol level to the floor, pointing at the stars when a familiar voice in his head abruptly stopped his next move. That one unexplained memory, potent in its brevity, snapped John out of his self-pity. It was when they were on Yontur while they were guests at the Gratuities, dancing, where this had taken place. It was the one thing Adu had said there that was never explained...
"You want lady girl, you've got to have grace, patience. Work her like your pistol. No jerky movements. No self-pity. "
Now, he realized what Adu had meant. If he wanted her, he had to let her go... gently, not violently like his past two times. Work her like your pistol. John took Winona and pressed his lips against her barrel...
Then the weapon fell from his fingers and dropped lazily onto the towel. It still hurt coming to this resolution. He still felt empty. And from all the trauma, death, weariness, his legs buckled and he fell to his knees to plop back on his haunches. His face wet again, he sniffed and then laughed and coughed, caught in a strange swirl of emotions.
I've been to hell and back. And I don't think I make it out of this. He embraced himself and wrapped his arms around his aching stomach, shook his head and rocked and rocked.
It could've been arns since he sat there with the stars; he didn't care. All he wanted to know was one thing. Would she come back to him?
I need a sign so bad. Something to say she'll come back to me.