Title: Gone Away
Series: The Breakdown of Numb (2/?)
Author: Karasu
Feedback: On-list or to karasumouri@earthlink.net
Author Website:
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None. Pre-slash Jack/Daniel. Mostly this is a friendship fic.
Category: Angst. Drama. Friendship. Episode related. Pre-slash.
Date: December 30, 2003
Status: Complete
Season/Spoilers: S4, "The Light"
Archive: enchantingmuse.com (my site). Alpha Gate. Area 52. Anyone else please ask.
Synopsis: "The Light" brought to surface some things that were a long time in coming, and it's time to face up to them.
Notes: I don't like this nearly as much as the first story in this series, but I still have time to write more of what I like since this sequel, which was supposed to be an ending, only brings to surface some issues that need to be addressed. =) All relationships shown within are friendship. In the future, it's likely that there'll be Jack/Daniel slash, but that's not necessarily a promise.
Warnings: Recollection of suicide attempt(s) and self-injury.
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Disclaimer:
Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I am not making any money from this and I'm still paying for everything I own so there's very little point in suing me. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. At least I hope it's entertaining. The original characters, situations and story are mine. Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story. No money is being made, or else I'd be able to have all the video games I currently want and everything Stargate that is available.
============
"Would I lie to you?" Jack said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. [1]
Daniel looked away, spinning fully around on his chair to return to his computer work. If that was how Jack was going to be, well, it didn't deserve a reply. He could practically feel the frown that drew deep lines into the aging face of his friend; he knew the look that would be in those chestnut-brown eyes.
Jack's feet hit the floor a little harder than they needed to as he stalked out of the office. Daniel didn't need to turn around to see Jack with tightly clenched fists in his pocket. The linguist sighed quietly and closed his eyes as he rested his forehead on his palms.
Things had been bad for a long time, much longer than he cared to admit. Somewhere along the line, the team ties had begun to stretch between the members of SG-1. Even Teal'c, the ever-present support in Daniel's life, had been affected; the large Jaffa had withdrawn into himself, something he hadn't done since the very early days when the team had first joined together. Sam had been acting strangely, or was it Jack? It was one of them, possibly both of them, because their interactions had turned awkward and rather… flirtatious, no matter how impossible that seemed. Daniel tried to remember if he had been the one that had started the downfall, or if it was someone else.
They had all been fine. They had been a well-working and bonded team until… when? Daniel remembered Eudora and Jack's disappearance. Sam had worked so hard for days on end, barely sleeping, to come up with the solution to return Jack home. He could still feel the ache inside when he realized that he could not help in the retrieval of his friend. There had hardly been time to be relieved that Jack was home before he had the shock of his life—being told that his long, devoted friendship with Jack had "no foundation."
So that was it. It had been that long since things had been "okay" and "normal" between the four of them. Daniel knew that Teal'c was feeling more alienated than usual. As for himself… Daniel felt as if he were back in his later years in the academic world when everyone had turned away from him, thinking his theories were the thoughts of a madman. Maybe Jack and Sam had been thrown together while the other two had been thrown out? But then, why had there been no effort to move back in?
Daniel sighed and opened his eyes, staring at his screensaver that had turned itself back on during his lengthy pondering. His mind still wandered restlessly, even though the effects of the alien "opium" should have gone away by now. Janet demanded to see him on a daily basis, constantly checking every inch of his body and keeping a strict record of any oddities. He was sick of it after a month of the constant attention. The only good thing about the past week was that he was finally home, on Earth.
Jack, Sam, and Loran had been able to come through the wormhole to the SGC after a two week period, but Janet had been adamant about him staying on longer and going back to a higher dosage of the alien drug and then decreasing its amount again. He hadn't been alone, however. Teal'c had returned to be by his side and aid in the painfully slow recovery. No matter how he had hated going stir crazy in the overly gaudy palace, he knew on the intellectual level that it had been imperative that he stayed longer. In the final days that the others were with him, the dose had been too low for him and he had paced, wringing his hands in anxiety, gotten easily frustrated, and began to entertain thoughts of swimming out into the lake and let himself sink to get away from it all; guns and knifes had been the first thing to go once everyone understood what was going on and how bad the withdrawal could be.
His phone rang, startling Daniel from his thoughts. Mindlessly he picked up the receiver; "Hello?"
"Dr. Jackson, please report to the infirmary," a familiar voice said without any preamble. Daniel couldn't remember the nurse's name, and really didn't want to, it was bad enough that he recognized the voice.
"Yeah. I'll be there." He hung up the phone and stared at it as a headache made its presence known.
He still couldn't remember many details of the interlude between his angry speech at the general and the time that he woke up staring up at the dark ceiling on an alien world, feeling desolately alone. However, he didn't really need to remember it since the time had been marked physically onto his flesh. Recalling the scars, Daniel glanced down at his forearm and traced the tips of his fingertips along the few inches of a handful of white lines that remained of the cuts that he had apparently done before Jack came to retrieve him for the mission he had been late for.
The stitches were gone from the one cut that had been deeper than the others, its thick, angry mark standing out from the rest. He swallowed the bile that rose in the back of his throat, long buried memories rising up from where they should have been forgotten.
Quickly Daniel stood and pulled on his SGC standard-issue jacket and started towards the infirmary.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Inevitably Jack found himself hanging just within the doorway of Samantha Carter's lab. She was busily working with a piece of gadgetry that one of the off-world teams had sent through to be explored. She was preoccupied enough that she didn't seem to notice his entrance, nor did she seem in any hurry to take a break.
Before he could second-guess himself and leave, Jack coughed in air of clearing his throat, effectively catching Sam's attention. The blonde glanced up from her work and smiled cheerfully at her CO, the lines of concentration fading from her brow.
"Hello, sir. Is there something you needed?"
Jack didn't meet her eyes as he meandered around her work table, one hand in his pocket while the other one picked at any number of things. "No, no, just checking up on the team…" he said casually. He rolled what looked like a pen between his fingers, the only thing that gave away that it was alien was the bizarre writing covering every centimeter of the tube.
After a few moments of watching the pen move back and forth between the colonel's fingers, Sam reached out and plucked it from his grasp, something Daniel usually did. He glanced up at her expectant face and gave her a blank look.
She rolled her eyes playfully and grinned. "C'mon, what's up?" She headed over to the other side of the lab to prepare some coffee.
"Nothing. Get back to work, I'm sure you have deadlines to meet." Jack stuffed his hands back into his pockets as he watched her.
Sam turned around to rest her bum against the counter. With crossed arms, she raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "Sir, I've already stopped to take a break. Why not come out and say it?"
Jack frowned at her. There wasn't anything he needed to say to her. But then again, why would he come down here? He had no patience to sit around and watch someone work on something that he could barely understand. He was one for action and was not a very good watcher—his mind traveled to Buffy the Vampire Slayer before he knew what was happening. He shook his head slightly, tossing the totally random and completely useless thought from his mind. Why was he here?
Sam pressed a mug of coffee to his chest, making Jack come back to himself. Automatically a hand came up to grasp the cup. His focus turned into the depths of the dark liquid as Sam slid herself onto a stool and leaned forward to rest her elbows on the work bench.
"Sir?" Instead of sounding unsure of herself as she once might have, her voice held a tone of amusement and irritation—her patience was running out.
Damn, she knew him too well.
He realized what a weird thought that was as he took his first long swallow of coffee. Sam knew him "too well?" Since when?
Without thinking first, Jack spewed the first words that touched his lips, unwilling to linger alone in his mind any longer; "Daniel doesn't seem to be fully recovered yet." He blinked first at Sam's surprised look and then at his coffee. Where had that come from?
"Oh." Sam recovered and took a drink from her mug to stall for time. "I guess I haven't seen him much lately." She frowned. "But I figured that might have to do with how… well," she looked uncomfortable. She looked down and clutched her hands tightly about her cup.
Jack nodded slightly, knowing what she was talking about. While stuck on P4X-347, they had all been a little tense. Sam and Daniel's relationship had seemed to suffer the worst as she pushed at him to tell her why he was avoiding her. They snapped at one another and argued until Daniel had finally stormed off one day and settled himself in a room far away and isolated from the others. Jack hadn't followed; the words that had broke the air one day still stung.
I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass than spend one more minute with you! [2]
"I thought you guys cleared that up?" Jack inquired, dragging his mind away from those miserable hours spent with an addict-craving archeologist.
Sam smiled sadly but didn't look up. "I apologized. I apologized before we came back home and then after he came back. The first time he almost snarled at me!" She let out a short laugh before stopping herself; only in reflection was the scene humorous. "Then… it seemed as if he was ignoring me. I don't know what to make of it. But you know Daniel."
She looked up, finally meeting Jack's gaze. "He usually needs a little time before he comes to terms with what's going on and then it's okay. It's just…"
"This is taking a lot longer than usual." Sam nodded her agreement, frustration and worry flitting across her face.
Jack sighed and closed his eyes. His team was falling apart, whether he liked it or not. He had tried talking to Teal'c, but the big guy had seemed distant and cool, something he had very rarely ever been to Jack.
"What's the matter with those two?" he muttered, refusing to look at some of the thoughts the nasty part of his brain was screaming at him.
"What was that?" Sam asked, putting her mug down after another drink.
Jack looked at her, gauging his options. Finally he pulled up a stool and sat opposite from her. "Teal'c's been weird, too." Sam tilted her head slightly in acknowledgement. "As long as I'm not suffering Alzheimer's, they've both been weird since… I dunno. What do you think?"
Sam studied the contents of her mug intently, unable to meet Jack's intense stare. Quietly she said, "It was shortly after Urgo. I… I hate to say it, sir, but I think some of it might be from your mission to expose the NID." She glanced up at him with an apology in her eyes.
"Of course," he muttered.
But in his mind, all that had been solved long ago; he had worn himself out working on fixing things with his teammates. Then he realized that he had only paid attention to addressing things with Sam and Daniel, figuring that Teal'c understood what a warrior's duty sometimes entailed. He frowned inwardly; he and Teal'c had seemed fine many times after that, especially during that insane time-looping incident. They'd played golf in the 'gate room, for crying out loud!
"Sir," Sam said hesitantly, glancing cautiously at his face. "Permission to speak freely?"
"For crying out loud, Carter, this has already been off the record from the moment I came in here."
She smiled slightly, then turned serious again before she spoke. "Daniel's been through a lot recently. In the past few months alone he's been captured by an Unas—" she ticked off each item on her fingers. "He's lost his mentor and old teacher, lost a… friend to the Gao'uld, nearly had to see another friend die, all of this at the same time; then there's the incident with Shifu that he won't share, and most recently the addiction to the light."
Sam's expression was rueful as she braved Jack's stare. "I mean, he had good reason to be… acting odd. I didn't even think about all of that until right now. God, he's got to be hurting, no wonder the light affected him so much, it probably didn't need to work that hard to get him sui—depressed."
The almost spoken word hung in the air like the suppressing humidity of a hot, summer day. Jack could barely swallow his mouthful of coffee, his stomach was churning as images came unbidden to his mind: Daniel hanging over into thin air beyond the balcony railing, eyes closed and tear stains on his cheeks; Daniel staring blankly, dumbly at Jack when he was told that he hadn't been using a key, but a knife; Daniel growling at him to stay away on '347; Daniel curled in on himself, shaking and looking all the world like an abused child a few days before the others returned home.
"Christ…" he exhaled, chest tightening at the memories. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, regaining control quickly thanks to a long line of practice.
"Colonel?" Sam whispered worriedly.
He opened his eyes and smiled weakly; he needed to be the stable leader, keeping his group together. Apparently he'd been failing in that department, however, if this conversation and his exchange with Daniel were anything to go by.
"Just… brought back these memories I wish I didn't have." [3]
They sat in silence for a long time, both lost in thought. The coffee had cooled in their mugs, but they continued to drink it until it was gone, seemingly unaware of its tepid state. The intercom broke the silence as SG-7 was paged to the briefing room.
"Sir…" Sam started, still not looking up. Jack grunted for her to continue as he swirled the last drops of coffee in his mug. "Maybe it's not them, sir." Jack looked up at that, confused at her words when they didn't sink in. She continued, "I mean, maybe it's us." She flushed slightly and her brow wrinkled as she casually motioned a hand between them both. Her blue gaze settled firmly on Jack. "I haven't spent any time with Daniel or Teal'c out of work since…" she looked ashamed, "I can't even remember when."
Jack frowned. "They would have said something if there was a problem with someone." Sam looked at him skeptically. Jack hardened his frown, sticking to his story. "Teal'c had more than enough time to take things up with me back in the time-loop escapade, and God knows Daniel could have slammed me out these past few weeks and gotten away with it because of the withdrawal excuse."
Sam gazed at him calmly, something like regret lingering in his eyes. "Was that what he was doing?" she murmured softly, asking herself as much as she was asking Jack.
He opened his mouth to respond, but he knew that he had nothing to return but something dreamed up out of frustration and… worry. How had things gotten this bad? How had things fallen apart so much that his team couldn't talk to one another unless it dealt with work and a mission? For all he knew, Sam and he were the only two conversing like this.
Whatever is wrong, we'll fix it.
You don't even know what I'm talking about.
Christ, was this what Daniel had meant?
"Sir?" Sam had seen the flash of understanding cross Jack's face for an instant.
He started, "When I went to…" He paused to clear his throat, thankfully getting rid of the congested tone of suppressed guilt and unease. "When I went to find Daniel that day… God." He stared at Sam, eyes full of all the pain and fear he had felt that day. "Jesus Christ, he was going to jump off a fucking eight-story building! He didn't care anymore!" His voice lowered to a harsh whisper, and he had trouble holding the blonde's steady gaze. "I didn't know what he was talking about, and afterwards he said he didn't remember. God, Sam," he didn't seem to notice that for once he had actually used her first name, and while it had stunned the blonde, she felt that surprise fall away as she focused back on what Jack was saying, "he didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. He's been hiding it all for us.
"Shit. I didn't even talk to him after Osiris…" He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he faced his failure again. When he again opened his eyes, Sam felt a stab of pain when she saw the depth of emotion in Jack's eyes; it was beyond anything that she could fully explain or comprehend. "How did we get to this?" He laughed a little, the bitterness clearly seeping into his voice. "What's wrong with me Carter? I can't even clue in on what's happening to people I care about. I'm a total ass."
"Sir," Sam broke in. She reached out a hand to rest on his forearm in silent comfort. "I didn't think about it either. Teal'c and Daniel are too good at hiding themselves and you… we haven't been trying hard enough to see what it is that they've been hiding." She withdrew her hand and hugged herself for a moment before letting her hands drop into her lap.
"But it's not too late, sir. If Daniel's really not recovered yet, he's going to need someone. I'll… I'll go find him." She stood up and took their mugs to the sink. She stood there silently for a moment, waiting for Jack to say something. He didn't, so she turned and left the lab, leaving the colonel to his thoughts.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
"And the verdict, doctor?" Daniel said as Janet came around the curtain to him. He was tired, and it took all his energy to just sit up.
The petite woman didn't respond to the prod as she eyed him calmly. "Your dopamine levels are still a little lower than expected. However," she disregarded her chart as she folded her arms and stared at him in the spitting image of a mother determined to hear the truth from her child; "it's not exactly the chemicals that I'm concerned with." Daniel gave nothing away, easily meeting her stare with a composed expression.
The staring contest lasted a while until Janet sighed and came to sit next to him on the bed. She laid her clipboard aside before continuing her determined study of the stubborn linguist.
When she spoke, her voice was clear but soft to keep the words from traveling outside the small shelter of curtains erected about them. "Daniel, I've waited a long time for you to straighten things out for yourself. You are an intelligent human being and adult enough to be responsible…usually. When it comes to your health, I see you in here far too often.
"This mission was just a trigger, wasn't it." She gazed at him knowingly, and he returned her gaze with a slight strain on his part. "I can no longer ignore this, as you well know. I'm a doctor, Daniel, and I can see where this in heading in an all too graphic and horrific way. Thank God Colonel O'Neill got to you when he did!" There was a break in her steady gaze as her fear broke through the professional mask for a few moments.
Composed again, she continued, "I know you don't remember all that has happened over the past month, but I have the suspicion that some of what you said and did during that time has been a long time in coming."
Janet paused to let all of what she'd just said sink in. Her skilled gaze caught the tremor of muscles on Daniel's upper lip, and she detected the strain of his tense muscles when he swallowed.
"I have already spoken with General Hammond about restricting you to base work because of my concerns. I have not detailed the specifics, for that is your choice, but I will not give you full medical clearance until you do something." The skin at the corners of Daniel's eyes tightened as his jaw clenched and his lips pressed together in a thin, pale line. Janet didn't back down. "You do not have to see Dr. Mackenzie, per se, but I expect you to make an appointment with one of the therapists on-hand. If the course of medication is needed, I will work with Dr. Mackenzie."
"No." The harsh, one-syllable sound startled them both. Daniel was closed and clamped up just as tight as before immediately after that, and Janet sighed, closing her eyes.
"Daniel," she murmured, her eyes gentle when she opened them, "I know as well as you do that your symptoms right now aren't just lingering withdrawal symptoms. I've done a poor job as both your friend and your doctor by not talking to you sooner. I'm not a psyche specialist, so I am afraid that I cannot be your doctor to the needs you have right now. I am not backing down on this; it is far too clear that you have things that need to be dealt with."
Daniel blinked slowly but did not speak, his expression still tight. Janet didn't break their gaze as she reached to hold his hands within her own. "Do you want to be where you were that day when Jack found you?" she asked softly, eyebrows raised, but the rest of her expression was unreadable. "Do you want more of these…?" without breaking eye contact, she stroked the inside of his forearm where the remainders of cuts resided. "Is that what makes it better? Daniel, I can't let you do it. There are better things for you than what you have been struggling with. Please. I want you to make the choice, to have this freedom and ability to acknowledge what's going on. I warn you, however, that I will make the medical decision if you will not seek help on your own. I won't risk you, no one will. You are far too important in our lives."
Daniel chuckled, his eyelids drooping as his body shook strangely, his tensed muscles making him ache all over. "Valuable, you mean."
"No," Janet said firmly, tightening her hold on his hands. "I don't need to ask if you know what it's like to watch a loved one suffer. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, and I know for a fact that you wouldn't either. I want to see you happy, Daniel, I want to see the hope you had back in your eyes. I would give anything to make things right for you, but I can't, only you can."
He looked at her, his face drawn in resigned sorrow and his eyes hallow, empty and helpless. "I'll never be alright." The corners of his lips twitched in a spasm and his eyes were rimmed in red despite the fact that no tears had fallen. [4]
Janet saw the hint of submission in his expression and she finally let herself relax. She leaned in to hug him and knew that her words were taken to heart when she felt his arms wrap around her tightly. His face was buried against her shoulder, and she could feel as well as hear his ragged breathing as he attempted to gather scattered thoughts. Gently she began to rock him with her as she rubbed soothing circles on his back.
Quietly she offered, "I would like it if you would stay with Cassie and I for a while. She would love to see you, and I don't want you to be so lonely." He nodded briefly to let her know that he accepted. As they continued like that, Janet murmured soothing words and assurances. "You'll make it just fine. You take the time you need, we'll wait. I'll always be right here for you."
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Sam returned to her lab after a long, unsuccessful search for Daniel. More than likely he was down in the infirmary for his daily check-up that Janet had ordered earlier and that was no place to talk. She picked up the technology she had been working with earlier but oddly found herself unfocused and unenthusiastic to continue, something that never, ever happened. Sighing, she turned around and headed down the hall towards Colonel O'Neill's office. Maybe he had gone to see Teal'c and there would be some good news. In the end, all she really wanted was some company so that she could stop feeling so hallow. Her energy had been zapped by the conversation earlier and she was drained, physically and emotionally.
"Sir?" she said as she stepped into the room. She was surprised to find Jack studiously typing away on the only computer that he would ever touch. He didn't look up to acknowledge her.
She frowned. "Sir, I don't think that just ignoring—"
"Is there something you wanted, Carter?" he asked in a clipped tone, his fingers poised over the keyboard as he glared at her.
"I couldn't find Daniel, but I thought that you might have talked with Teal'c, and…" Sam shrugged, hopeless to finish. She wasn't really good with these emotional things, never had been, and honestly it was the remnants of Jolinar that had gotten her to improve the littlest bit as the years passed. In this particular situation, though, she was completely helpless.
Jack stared at her, as if waiting for her to explain why she thought any of this mattered to him. Sam swallowed bitter words as anger flared briefly. How could he just sit there so callously?
Damnit, she thought, would you let someone in? I have yet to be affected by a telepath!
They stayed in a stand off for long minutes, and probably would have continued in that way if Daniel had not decided to wander into the room and interrupt.
"Um…"
Two pair of eyes jumped to him and he just barely managed to cover a flinch. Sam noted that he looked pretty awful. His hair stood up in uneven tuffs like he had run his fingers through it too many times, and his face looked haggard, as if too much strain had finally exhausted his muscles.
"Daniel…?" she trailed off in an unasked question.
He briefly smiled and flicked his gaze over both teammates. "I wanted to let you know that I've been sprung," he had been kept on base as his withdrawal symptoms continued to be monitored. "If you need to reach me, use the cell." He ran a hand over his hair and scratched the back of his neck, looking moderately uneasy. "I'm not going to be staying at home."
"Why?" Sam rolled her eyes. That was Jack, short and to the point. Then again, she couldn't claim to be any better, she realized and sighed inwardly.
Daniel didn't meet either of their gazes, studying the far wall intently. "I'll be bunking in Janet's spare room for a while, I guess."
Jack pushed away his keyboard and swiveled in his chair to face Daniel full on with narrowed eyes. "Again, why?"
"What the hell does it matter to you?" Daniel snapped, his glare making his blue eyes glitter dangerously.
"A whole hell of a lot!" Jack responded in turn, standing suddenly. Sam knew she should step in, but honestly didn't know how. "You're my goddamn friend and under my command! It's my business to find out what's going on!"
Oh, yeah. That sounds so very sincere, Sam thought sarcastically.
For a moment she was sure Daniel was going to start laughing. Her eyes widened at the bitter, hysterical look at crossed her friend's face and then faded too slowly for her liking. Daniel shook his head, his lips pulled up in a smile that looked more like a grimace.
"Whatever, Colonel. It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something more.[5] Don't give me that look, damn you." His hands clenched into fists. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."
With visible struggle, Daniel turned his entire body to face Sam and block out the sight of Jack. His look softened only minutely when he focused on her. "I'm sorry, Sam." His apology stunned her and clearly showed on her face. His grin was humorless. "I targeted you the past few weeks and I shouldn't have. Maybe… later we can talk over coffee?"
"Um, yeah. Yeah, that'd be great." She was still surprised, but she managed a sincere smile and reached out to place her hand briefly on his arm. He accepted the motion and then moved towards the door.
At the last moment, he turned back, eyes locking on Jack as he said, "I apologize. For all of this," he gestured with one hand that soon fell weakly to his side. Incapable of detailing anything more, Daniel left, his footsteps fading quickly down the hall.
"Carter."
"Sir?"
"Get out." Jack turned his back to her and stalked back to his seat.
Sam watched momentarily before turning away from him as well and approaching the door. "Good luck, sir," she murmured before pulling the door shut behind her. Jack had a lot to think about, and so did she.
===Fin===
(for now)
[1] A beginning challenge quote from:
[2] From "One More Minute" by Weird Al; found at SlashThePlanet's line challenge:
[3] From "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park; found at SlashThePlanet's line challenge.
[4] From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park; found at SlashThePlanet's line challenged.
And now the poem that I based the title of this story on…
Gone Away by Denise Levertov
When my body leaves me
I'm lonesome for it.
I've got
eyes, ears,
nose and mouth
and that's all.
Eyes
keep on seeing the
feather blue of the
cold sky,
mouth takes in
hot soup,
nose
smells the frost,
ears hear everything, all
the noises and absences,
but body
goes away to I don't know where
and it's lonesome to drift
above the space it
fills when it's here.