Birthday Girl
Author's Note: Yeah, this story should probably be rated "R" because it has some. mature elements, if you will. However since it's only part of a longer story in which most of the episodes are "PG-13" I'm leaving it as- is. Although the things in "Birthday Girl" are more sexual in nature, it's not near as bad language-wise as last season's "Seeing Things In Black and White," in fact, no one swears in this one. So if that's your bane, fear not.
[SATURDAY, 11:38 AM, TISH and LOR are at the mall both holding small trays of chili cheese fries. THEY sit down at one of the round, white tables, and begin munching.]
LOR: Hey, do you ever think that guy who sells chili cheese fries feels slighted? I mean, we get these every so often and everything, but more often than not we just go to the pizza place. I'm just afraid we're hurting his pizza.
TISH: Hmm. somehow I doubt that he even remembers who we are.
LOR (in a slightly teasing manner): Now, don't be so sure about that. We've been coming here for years, besides we're not too hard on the eyes. I mean, we would be if you'd get contacts, already.
TISH: Now, now. Tino thinks my glasses make me look sexy.
LOR (softly to herself): Oh, of course. And we must look sexy for Tino, mustn't we?
[TISH, meanwhile, reaches into her bag and pulls out a purple envelope, with the word 'Lor' written on it, she hands it to LOR.]
TISH: Oh, before I forget, this is for you. It's an invitation to my birthday party tomorrow.
LOR: Who sends out invitations a day before the party? Besides you told us about it like two weeks ago.
TISH: I know, but Thursday night it suddenly hit me that parties should have invitations.
LOR: Well yeah but. all the people you invite now will just feel slighted because it took this long to receive an invitation, won't they?
TISH: Hmm. yeah, I suppose that has some logic behind it. But, I mean, I've already given out some invitations, so I can't very well not give out all of them.
LOR: Why exactly?
TISH: Well... I mean... I... I just can't! Well. open it!
[LOR tears open the envelope and begins reading aloud]
LOR [reading]: "Congratulations fair citizen of Bahia Bay. You have cordially been invited to the Sweet 16th Gala of Miss Petratishkovna Katsufrakis. This charming event will take place at 6:00 on Sunday, September 14, 2003, this is actually NOT the day that the esteemed young Miss Katsufrakis turns sixteen; she does in fact turn 16 at 10:28 AM on Friday, September 19, 2003! However, since young Miss Katsufrakis will be in San Diego for a dulcimer concert that day, you'll understand how a party on that day would be impossibility. It is surely hoped that you are able to attend. You may bring a friend if you so desire." [SHE looks up at TISH] Are you kidding with this?
TISH: Hmm. is it not concise enough?
LOR: If concise means 'read-able' than no, it isn't.
TISH: Well, it's too late now, I've already handed most of them out. Oh look, there's Ruby and Percy, hold on I'll be right back.
[SHE grabs her bag full of invitation and heads off in the direction of Ruby and Percy. LOR continues to much on her fries. She is shortly joined by TINO.]
LOR: Hi!
TINO: Hey, [noticing the letter] What's that?
LOR: This? It's the invitation to Tish's party. Didn't you get yours?
TINO: ...No... No, I did not.
LOR: Oh... well... I get to bring a guest. We'll show her!
[TISH returns from handing out invitations.]
TISH: Hey honey [SHE gives HIM a quick peck and hands him an invitation.] Here you go! Well, I'm off to my art class. [SHE grabs the last bite of her chili cheese fries.] Bye!
TINO [while opening his invitation]: Wow, I can't believe one of us is actually turning 16! That seems so... old.
LOR: I just hope she doesn't rub our noses in the fact that she can drive before all of us.
TINO: Oh, come on, Tish wouldn't do that.
LOR: Why not? We all would.
TINO: Yeah. that's true. Oh well, driving's not that big of a deal to me. I just like the mystique of being 16, though. I think there's a less of difference between being 14 and 15 than there is between 15 and- OH NO! AHHH!!!
LOR: Tino?!? What the-? What're you yelling about?
[CARVER shows up and sits down at their table.]
CARVER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Hey T, can I have some of those fries?
TINO: AHH!
CARVER: Okay, okay, I'll buy my own fries. [To Lor] What's with Tino?
LOR: I don't know, he just started screaming!
TINO: Oh god, this is bad! Bad bad bad.
CARVER: Well. at least he's using his words now. What's bad, T?
TINO (taking deep breaths): Okay... okay... Well, see... okay...
LOR: Just spit it out already, dude!
TINO (gives a heavy sigh): Alright.... Well it was during the summer. Back when.....you know...you and I were talking Carv.
CARVER: Yeah...I'm sorry about that, man.
TINO: No, no, no, It's...okay...I'm sorry for getting so upset with you.
CARVER: It's cool, you had every reason to be...You want to hug it out?
TINO: Yeah, okay. [THEY grin kind of sheepishly and give a short 'pat-on- the-back' kind-of-hug.]
LOR: God, you guys, get it a room.
CARVER: Pshh...well, if we do I certainly won't invite you!
[TINO and LOR stare at CARVER.]
CARVER (annoyed): Oh yes, Carver implied he was gay, ha ha, very funny. Anyways, go on, Tino.
TINO: Right, well... It was sometime in July, I think, but I was hanging out with Tish over at my place and we were just...I don't know, cuddling or something, and she was laying kind of on top of me and I had my arms around her and I think we were both facing the TV although we weren't really watching it and-
CARVER: Get to the point, man.
TINO: Righ, and she said something to the effect of "Could anything be more perfect than this?" To which I replied, in a very joking manner mind you, "Well, we could be naked and you could be on me but facing the other direction."
CARVER: Ahh. subtle.
TINO: Right. So, in response to this, she kinda giggles and says, and I quote, "Hold on there, cowboy, I don't want to rush into that yet. That'll just have to wait until my 16th" SO? YOU SEE? I didn't give that any real thought THEN, but it's now clear to me that she's planning for us to have sex for the first time on her sixteenth birthday party!
LOR: But, and I quote, "This is actually NOT the day that the esteemed young Miss Katsufrakis turns sixteen; she does in fact turn 16 on Friday, September 19, 2003."
TINO: Yeah, but this is clearly when she means it to happen. Remember when she told us about the party a couple weeks ago about the party? She mentioned that her parents were visiting her grandfather Nano back in her old country and so she'd be alone? This is clearly when she means it to happen!
CARVER: Whoa, so her parents are just letting her stay home alone and have a party?
TINO: This is Tish, we're talking about. She's the most trustworthy person ever.
CARVER: And yet she's completely breaking her parents trust in the hopes of getting laid. How sweet. So, I'm still confused, what's the problem?
TINO: Well. I mean. Having sex. I don't know what to do in that area. I've never done it before.
LOR: Well, clearly, you shouldn't do it, if you're having these doubts.
CARVER: What are you talking about? There's no problem that can't be made easier by having sex. Oh, I forgot to mention: I've had sex, by the way.
LOR: We kind of figured.
TINO: When?
CARVER: Well it was back when you and I weren't...
LOR: God, don't hug again. [To Tino, a little worriedly] So, what're you going to do.?
TINO: I don't know. if it's alright with you all I'm going to go back home and try to think this out.
[Miserably TINO picks himself up and drags himself out.]
[SATURDAY, 5:03 PM, TINO is pacing across the family room. The door bell and rings and TINO goes to answer it. It's CARVER, TINO struggles to find something to say and suddenly just shouts]
TINO: AHH!
CARVER: Is this how we're greeting each other now? 'Cause call me old fashioned. But I've always kinda liked "Hi"
TINO: Sorry, but I am totally freaking out about this Tish situation, Carver! I was up all night!
CARVER: Well. that's a little odd, considering you just found out about this this morning.
TINO: Really? What time is it?
CARVER [check his watch]: Like. 5.
TINO: Whoa! I thought it was like half-a-day later than that. Man, I've only been thinking about this for 5 hours, seems like a lifetime.
CARVER: Well you know what the say, time slows down when you're. being a weird little freak.
TINO: It's just really a lot to think about, you know? No matter what course of action I take I'm afraid a week from now I'll regret it.
CARVER: Look, let's just sit down and do this scientifically, okay? We'll get a paper and pencil and do pros and cons, deal?
TINO: Well. beats my pacing and sweating plan. Let's do it.
[TINO gets a notebook and pencil and hands it to CARVER, they both sit down on the couch.]
CARVER: Okay. Well. Pro: You get to have sex. Con: You DON'T get to have sex. I think we've solved it already.
TINO: What.? How is 'not having sex' a con for having sex?
CARVER: Wait. what? Cons are BAD things, dude.
TINO: Yeah but they're not bad *alternatives* they're bad repercussions.
CARVER: Oh. I get it, you're messing with me. Look, I know I'm not as smart as you or Tish but I at least know repercussions are like drums and cymbals and things.
TINO: Well. nothing gets past you. Look, I think I'm going to go ahead and scrap this whole 'Pro-Con' plan, if it's quite alright.
CARVER: Fine, but we were on a roll.
TINO: I hardly call two things a roll!
CARVER: Yeah, but it was like two things in about a second. A pro and a con, no less. Anyone can just come up with two cons. But it takes a cunning genius to be able to see both sides of the situation like I do.
TINO: Your con wasn't a con! Your pro wasn't a pro, either. If your topic is the same thing as one of your pros, you're NOT dealing with a pro.
CARVER: Pshh. I know you're not a pro, you're an amateur and that's why we're having this ridiculous conversation!
TINO: What? You're not making any sense!
CARVER: Aren't I? Or am I making so much sense I just blew your mind?
TINO: That's ridiculous.
CARVER: Is it?!? Or is it so completely sane that you're struggling to comprehend it?!?
TINO: You really should stop this, Carv.
CARVER: SHOULD I?!? OR IS IT, PERHAPS, ME THAT IS THE ONLY HOPE OF RESTORING SENSE TO THE WORLD?!?
TINO (sighing to himself): Why does everything seem to be so god-damn difficult?
CARVER: Because of people like you, Tino, because of people like you!
[SUNDAY, 4:31 PM, TINO is in his room, fixing his hair for TISH's party. There's a knock on the door and TINO'S MOM enters.]
TINO'S MOM: Tino?
TINO: God! Mom! I'm just going to a party, what's with all the third- degree?!?!?
TINO'S MOM: What? This is like one of the first times I've talked to you all day, anyways, Lor is here.
TINO: Oh. okay, send her in.
[TINO'S MOM leaves and LOR comes in, she's dressed slightly "up" for TISH's party.]
LOR: Hey, Tino. So have you made up yo-
TINO: WAIT! SHH! Is my Mom anywhere outside the door?
[LOR peeks her head out and looks out into the hall.]
LOR: Uh, no dude, the cost is clear.
TINO: Okay, good. Now, go on?
LOR: Right, okay. Well, I was wonder if you've come to any sort of decision yet about the. ..Tish thing...
[TINO gives a heavy sigh and sits on his bed.]
TINO: Well, I've been thinking about it a lot. One of the things that helped me actually, was that conversation I had with you. Remember back when you were sleeping with Thompson? I think I made a lot of good points, and I seem to have trouble totally convincing myself to listen to them, because this time it's me that's involved. I mean, on the one hand, it's supposedly the most pleasureful thing ever? It felt good when you did it right?
LOR [sighing]: Well, Yeah... not the first time... but... over-all... yeah.
TINO: Right. But I mean. Sex is a big step, and I just don't want what happened between Thompson and you, to happen to me and Tish. You don't think it would, do you?
LOR: Well, I don't know. I guess I don't think so, anybody who knows you as well as Tish does...or as well as I do... Could ever want to hurt you like that.
TINO: Thanks, Lor, that's nice of you to say. [HE takes a deep breath] But if I'm this unsure...I don't think I should do it.
LOR: Yeah, I think that's a good plan.
TINO: Mmkay...Well the party doesn't start for a while. You want to just hang out until we have to leave for it?
LOR [smiling]: Sounds good!
[SUNDAY, 6:04 PM, TINO, LOR and CARVER are walking down the street headed towards TISH's, all three are holding a present.]
CARVER: So, now that you've decided not to sleep with Tish, how do you plan to turn her down when she asks?
TINO: Do you really think she's just going to ask, "Tino, can we have sex?"
CARVER: No, I think she's just going to assume you want to and thus will begin the process herself. Actually rejecting her actions is a lot more offensive than rejecting her request to perform said actions.
TINO: Hmm......... I guess I just figured she would wait for me to make the first move, and then let me do it. I never even considered what you said! Man, this is just so complicated. Maybe I should just let her have sex with me if it makes this easier, I can't really put up a fight against her if push came to shove. I mean, is there anything wrong with that?
CARVER: Well. technically speaking that sounds like she'd be raping you.
LOR: Look, if you don't want to have sex you just need to say "No!" Don't be such a woman, Tino.
TINO: I'm not being a- Actually, you know, I really am. You're right! I'm the man in this relationship!
CARVER: So to speak.
TINO: If I don't want to have sex, Damn it, I won't!
CARVER: Right on, Tino! (quietly to Lor) Ten bucks says he caves and screws her.
LOR (whispering): You're on.
[SUNDAY, 6:10, TISH'S HOUSE, The party is in full go, TISH, dressed in a form-fitting dress, is talking to NONA.]
TISH: No, no, I didn't invite you as a last minute! I just didn't think of the invitations until late!
NONA: Are you sure?
TISH: Yes! God, you're like the eigth person to ask me that! Why doesn't anyone believe me?
NONA: Well... okay, well good party! [SHE walks away, PERCY approaches her.]
PERCY: Um. Tish.
TISH: Yes, Percy, I meant to invite you!
PERCY: Oh. okay.
[The doorbell rings, TISH rushes to the door and answers it.]
TISH: Greetings and Salutations, welcome to the Gala- Oh, it's you guys. Hey!
LOR: Hey Tish.
TINO: Happy Birthday!
CARVER: What's a gala?
TISH: Thanks for coming you guys! Um, Lor, Carver, help yourselves to any food or anything, and Tino [She engages him in a long slow passionate kiss. CARVER grins and watches, LOR eyes them contemptuously and heads towards the drinks.]
TINO: Whoa! What was THAT for?
TISH (softly): Just a hint of what's too come.
[SHE gives him a little wave and joins LOR by the drinks.]
CARVER: Well, one things for certain. She's definitely still planning on having sex with you.
TINO: Yeeeeep.
[SUNDAY, 11:29 PM, The party is ended, and only the TINO, TISH, CARVER and LOR remain at the party. TISH and LOR are clearing away wrapping paper, TINO is clearing off dishes. CARVER sits on the couch eating some cake.]
LOR: Great party, Tish.
CARVER: You said it. I haven't had cake in like forever!
TINO: Carver, wasn't it your dad's birthday like two weeks ago?
CARVER: Yeah! And two weeks without cake is just insane!
TISH: Well thanks you guys. Thanks again for the dulcimer CD, Carver, and the new paint I'd been wanting, Lor. Um, you know though. I think Tino and I can handle the cleaning-up duties from here on in. It's getting late, you guys should head home.
[CARVER and LOR glance at each other and then at TINO.]
CARVER: Okey-dokey.
LOR: Sounds good to me. Laterdays!
[LOR and CARVER leave. A few seconds later CARVER pops back in and takes the last of the cake.]
CARVER: For the road.
[HE then leaves. TINO and TISH are now alone.]
TINO: So, um, you want me to give you a hand with that wrapping paper?
TISH [grinning]: No, I think I got it under control. Hey, you know, I never opened your present.
TINO: Oh, no, you're right you didn't. You want to do that now, then?
TISH: Sure!
[THEY both sit down on the couch. TINO hands TISH a rather large present.]
TINO: Oh first, here's the card. [HE hands it to her. She smiles and opens it.]
TISH [reading]: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds, Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved." [SHE looks up, teary-eyed at TINO.]
TINO: It's, um, Shakespeare.
TISH [nodding]: Yes, I know. It's one of my favorite sonnets- [SHE bursts into tears.]
TINO: Tish.
TISH: Tino, I love you so much.
TINO: Oh. those are good tears?
TISH: Yes, they're very good tears. [SHE hugs him.]
TINO: Well...You know, you haven't even opened your present yet.
[TISH wipes away her tears, nods, and begins to open the present. It is revealed to be a picture of a swan in a lake. TISH stares at it.]
TINO: Remember? It was like months ago, we were walking by that antique store and you saw this painting and you said it was like one your grandmother had back in the old country?
TISH: This...this must have cost you a fortune... I can't believe you did this.
TINO: Well... I mean, it's your birthday. You deserve something special.
[TISH turns to TINO, tears streaming down her face, and smiling broadly.]
TISH: So do you, Tino. Do you remember, a couple months ago, I told you that my sixteenth birthday would be when I was ready to have sex...?
TINO: Yes... I do.
TISH: Well... [HER smile broadens.]
TINO: ...Tish, I can't do this. I... I just feel we're a little young to be doing this.
TISH: You... I mean, I would have thought you would be-
TINO: I know... I just...I don't want to risk hurting what we have, you know?
TISH: We've been going out for more than a year! Do you have any idea how amazing that is, compared to other couples our age? What could possibly hurt us so badly?
TINO: I don't know. Look, you said you'd be ready to have sex when you're sixteen. Well, I mean, I'm not sixteen yet, I still have six months until then...And maybe I'll be ready then, but...now, I'm just...not.
TISH: Tino, that's okay. I completely understand. It was like back when we were twelve and I was the only one who wasn't into guys yet, everyone gets ready for things at their own rate.
TINO: I'm so glad you understand! I was worried you'd be mad!
TISH: How could I be mad? The last thing I want to turn into is one of those sex-obsessed evil boyfriends from movies on Lifetime.
TINO: Oh, I know! Did you see the one on last night where that girl got raped! I could totally feel her pain, she was so br. [HE slowly trails off and sees TISH looking at him with her eyebrow raised.] Um, yeah, so...you haven't seen my testicles anywhere have you?
[MONDAY (This is a three-day-weekend), 10:29 AM, CARVER and LOR are all at the pizza place waiting for both TISH and TINO to show up. TINO walks up to them.]
TINO: Hey guys!
CARVER and LOR: WELL? DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?
TINO: Nope!
[LOR holds out her hand to CARVER who, grumbling, hands her ten bucks.]
TINO: Tish and I discussed, and we both agreed that sex is not something we'd rush into. We both said we'd discuss the issue again at my sixteenth birthday.
LOR: Well, alright. I think that's really moral of you.
TINO: Thanks!
CARVER: So...she gave you head though, right?
TINO: Well, of course.
[CARVER holds out his hand to LOR who, grumbling, hands him back the ten bucks.]
Author's Note: Yeah, this story should probably be rated "R" because it has some. mature elements, if you will. However since it's only part of a longer story in which most of the episodes are "PG-13" I'm leaving it as- is. Although the things in "Birthday Girl" are more sexual in nature, it's not near as bad language-wise as last season's "Seeing Things In Black and White," in fact, no one swears in this one. So if that's your bane, fear not.
[SATURDAY, 11:38 AM, TISH and LOR are at the mall both holding small trays of chili cheese fries. THEY sit down at one of the round, white tables, and begin munching.]
LOR: Hey, do you ever think that guy who sells chili cheese fries feels slighted? I mean, we get these every so often and everything, but more often than not we just go to the pizza place. I'm just afraid we're hurting his pizza.
TISH: Hmm. somehow I doubt that he even remembers who we are.
LOR (in a slightly teasing manner): Now, don't be so sure about that. We've been coming here for years, besides we're not too hard on the eyes. I mean, we would be if you'd get contacts, already.
TISH: Now, now. Tino thinks my glasses make me look sexy.
LOR (softly to herself): Oh, of course. And we must look sexy for Tino, mustn't we?
[TISH, meanwhile, reaches into her bag and pulls out a purple envelope, with the word 'Lor' written on it, she hands it to LOR.]
TISH: Oh, before I forget, this is for you. It's an invitation to my birthday party tomorrow.
LOR: Who sends out invitations a day before the party? Besides you told us about it like two weeks ago.
TISH: I know, but Thursday night it suddenly hit me that parties should have invitations.
LOR: Well yeah but. all the people you invite now will just feel slighted because it took this long to receive an invitation, won't they?
TISH: Hmm. yeah, I suppose that has some logic behind it. But, I mean, I've already given out some invitations, so I can't very well not give out all of them.
LOR: Why exactly?
TISH: Well... I mean... I... I just can't! Well. open it!
[LOR tears open the envelope and begins reading aloud]
LOR [reading]: "Congratulations fair citizen of Bahia Bay. You have cordially been invited to the Sweet 16th Gala of Miss Petratishkovna Katsufrakis. This charming event will take place at 6:00 on Sunday, September 14, 2003, this is actually NOT the day that the esteemed young Miss Katsufrakis turns sixteen; she does in fact turn 16 at 10:28 AM on Friday, September 19, 2003! However, since young Miss Katsufrakis will be in San Diego for a dulcimer concert that day, you'll understand how a party on that day would be impossibility. It is surely hoped that you are able to attend. You may bring a friend if you so desire." [SHE looks up at TISH] Are you kidding with this?
TISH: Hmm. is it not concise enough?
LOR: If concise means 'read-able' than no, it isn't.
TISH: Well, it's too late now, I've already handed most of them out. Oh look, there's Ruby and Percy, hold on I'll be right back.
[SHE grabs her bag full of invitation and heads off in the direction of Ruby and Percy. LOR continues to much on her fries. She is shortly joined by TINO.]
LOR: Hi!
TINO: Hey, [noticing the letter] What's that?
LOR: This? It's the invitation to Tish's party. Didn't you get yours?
TINO: ...No... No, I did not.
LOR: Oh... well... I get to bring a guest. We'll show her!
[TISH returns from handing out invitations.]
TISH: Hey honey [SHE gives HIM a quick peck and hands him an invitation.] Here you go! Well, I'm off to my art class. [SHE grabs the last bite of her chili cheese fries.] Bye!
TINO [while opening his invitation]: Wow, I can't believe one of us is actually turning 16! That seems so... old.
LOR: I just hope she doesn't rub our noses in the fact that she can drive before all of us.
TINO: Oh, come on, Tish wouldn't do that.
LOR: Why not? We all would.
TINO: Yeah. that's true. Oh well, driving's not that big of a deal to me. I just like the mystique of being 16, though. I think there's a less of difference between being 14 and 15 than there is between 15 and- OH NO! AHHH!!!
LOR: Tino?!? What the-? What're you yelling about?
[CARVER shows up and sits down at their table.]
CARVER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Hey T, can I have some of those fries?
TINO: AHH!
CARVER: Okay, okay, I'll buy my own fries. [To Lor] What's with Tino?
LOR: I don't know, he just started screaming!
TINO: Oh god, this is bad! Bad bad bad.
CARVER: Well. at least he's using his words now. What's bad, T?
TINO (taking deep breaths): Okay... okay... Well, see... okay...
LOR: Just spit it out already, dude!
TINO (gives a heavy sigh): Alright.... Well it was during the summer. Back when.....you know...you and I were talking Carv.
CARVER: Yeah...I'm sorry about that, man.
TINO: No, no, no, It's...okay...I'm sorry for getting so upset with you.
CARVER: It's cool, you had every reason to be...You want to hug it out?
TINO: Yeah, okay. [THEY grin kind of sheepishly and give a short 'pat-on- the-back' kind-of-hug.]
LOR: God, you guys, get it a room.
CARVER: Pshh...well, if we do I certainly won't invite you!
[TINO and LOR stare at CARVER.]
CARVER (annoyed): Oh yes, Carver implied he was gay, ha ha, very funny. Anyways, go on, Tino.
TINO: Right, well... It was sometime in July, I think, but I was hanging out with Tish over at my place and we were just...I don't know, cuddling or something, and she was laying kind of on top of me and I had my arms around her and I think we were both facing the TV although we weren't really watching it and-
CARVER: Get to the point, man.
TINO: Righ, and she said something to the effect of "Could anything be more perfect than this?" To which I replied, in a very joking manner mind you, "Well, we could be naked and you could be on me but facing the other direction."
CARVER: Ahh. subtle.
TINO: Right. So, in response to this, she kinda giggles and says, and I quote, "Hold on there, cowboy, I don't want to rush into that yet. That'll just have to wait until my 16th" SO? YOU SEE? I didn't give that any real thought THEN, but it's now clear to me that she's planning for us to have sex for the first time on her sixteenth birthday party!
LOR: But, and I quote, "This is actually NOT the day that the esteemed young Miss Katsufrakis turns sixteen; she does in fact turn 16 on Friday, September 19, 2003."
TINO: Yeah, but this is clearly when she means it to happen. Remember when she told us about the party a couple weeks ago about the party? She mentioned that her parents were visiting her grandfather Nano back in her old country and so she'd be alone? This is clearly when she means it to happen!
CARVER: Whoa, so her parents are just letting her stay home alone and have a party?
TINO: This is Tish, we're talking about. She's the most trustworthy person ever.
CARVER: And yet she's completely breaking her parents trust in the hopes of getting laid. How sweet. So, I'm still confused, what's the problem?
TINO: Well. I mean. Having sex. I don't know what to do in that area. I've never done it before.
LOR: Well, clearly, you shouldn't do it, if you're having these doubts.
CARVER: What are you talking about? There's no problem that can't be made easier by having sex. Oh, I forgot to mention: I've had sex, by the way.
LOR: We kind of figured.
TINO: When?
CARVER: Well it was back when you and I weren't...
LOR: God, don't hug again. [To Tino, a little worriedly] So, what're you going to do.?
TINO: I don't know. if it's alright with you all I'm going to go back home and try to think this out.
[Miserably TINO picks himself up and drags himself out.]
[SATURDAY, 5:03 PM, TINO is pacing across the family room. The door bell and rings and TINO goes to answer it. It's CARVER, TINO struggles to find something to say and suddenly just shouts]
TINO: AHH!
CARVER: Is this how we're greeting each other now? 'Cause call me old fashioned. But I've always kinda liked "Hi"
TINO: Sorry, but I am totally freaking out about this Tish situation, Carver! I was up all night!
CARVER: Well. that's a little odd, considering you just found out about this this morning.
TINO: Really? What time is it?
CARVER [check his watch]: Like. 5.
TINO: Whoa! I thought it was like half-a-day later than that. Man, I've only been thinking about this for 5 hours, seems like a lifetime.
CARVER: Well you know what the say, time slows down when you're. being a weird little freak.
TINO: It's just really a lot to think about, you know? No matter what course of action I take I'm afraid a week from now I'll regret it.
CARVER: Look, let's just sit down and do this scientifically, okay? We'll get a paper and pencil and do pros and cons, deal?
TINO: Well. beats my pacing and sweating plan. Let's do it.
[TINO gets a notebook and pencil and hands it to CARVER, they both sit down on the couch.]
CARVER: Okay. Well. Pro: You get to have sex. Con: You DON'T get to have sex. I think we've solved it already.
TINO: What.? How is 'not having sex' a con for having sex?
CARVER: Wait. what? Cons are BAD things, dude.
TINO: Yeah but they're not bad *alternatives* they're bad repercussions.
CARVER: Oh. I get it, you're messing with me. Look, I know I'm not as smart as you or Tish but I at least know repercussions are like drums and cymbals and things.
TINO: Well. nothing gets past you. Look, I think I'm going to go ahead and scrap this whole 'Pro-Con' plan, if it's quite alright.
CARVER: Fine, but we were on a roll.
TINO: I hardly call two things a roll!
CARVER: Yeah, but it was like two things in about a second. A pro and a con, no less. Anyone can just come up with two cons. But it takes a cunning genius to be able to see both sides of the situation like I do.
TINO: Your con wasn't a con! Your pro wasn't a pro, either. If your topic is the same thing as one of your pros, you're NOT dealing with a pro.
CARVER: Pshh. I know you're not a pro, you're an amateur and that's why we're having this ridiculous conversation!
TINO: What? You're not making any sense!
CARVER: Aren't I? Or am I making so much sense I just blew your mind?
TINO: That's ridiculous.
CARVER: Is it?!? Or is it so completely sane that you're struggling to comprehend it?!?
TINO: You really should stop this, Carv.
CARVER: SHOULD I?!? OR IS IT, PERHAPS, ME THAT IS THE ONLY HOPE OF RESTORING SENSE TO THE WORLD?!?
TINO (sighing to himself): Why does everything seem to be so god-damn difficult?
CARVER: Because of people like you, Tino, because of people like you!
[SUNDAY, 4:31 PM, TINO is in his room, fixing his hair for TISH's party. There's a knock on the door and TINO'S MOM enters.]
TINO'S MOM: Tino?
TINO: God! Mom! I'm just going to a party, what's with all the third- degree?!?!?
TINO'S MOM: What? This is like one of the first times I've talked to you all day, anyways, Lor is here.
TINO: Oh. okay, send her in.
[TINO'S MOM leaves and LOR comes in, she's dressed slightly "up" for TISH's party.]
LOR: Hey, Tino. So have you made up yo-
TINO: WAIT! SHH! Is my Mom anywhere outside the door?
[LOR peeks her head out and looks out into the hall.]
LOR: Uh, no dude, the cost is clear.
TINO: Okay, good. Now, go on?
LOR: Right, okay. Well, I was wonder if you've come to any sort of decision yet about the. ..Tish thing...
[TINO gives a heavy sigh and sits on his bed.]
TINO: Well, I've been thinking about it a lot. One of the things that helped me actually, was that conversation I had with you. Remember back when you were sleeping with Thompson? I think I made a lot of good points, and I seem to have trouble totally convincing myself to listen to them, because this time it's me that's involved. I mean, on the one hand, it's supposedly the most pleasureful thing ever? It felt good when you did it right?
LOR [sighing]: Well, Yeah... not the first time... but... over-all... yeah.
TINO: Right. But I mean. Sex is a big step, and I just don't want what happened between Thompson and you, to happen to me and Tish. You don't think it would, do you?
LOR: Well, I don't know. I guess I don't think so, anybody who knows you as well as Tish does...or as well as I do... Could ever want to hurt you like that.
TINO: Thanks, Lor, that's nice of you to say. [HE takes a deep breath] But if I'm this unsure...I don't think I should do it.
LOR: Yeah, I think that's a good plan.
TINO: Mmkay...Well the party doesn't start for a while. You want to just hang out until we have to leave for it?
LOR [smiling]: Sounds good!
[SUNDAY, 6:04 PM, TINO, LOR and CARVER are walking down the street headed towards TISH's, all three are holding a present.]
CARVER: So, now that you've decided not to sleep with Tish, how do you plan to turn her down when she asks?
TINO: Do you really think she's just going to ask, "Tino, can we have sex?"
CARVER: No, I think she's just going to assume you want to and thus will begin the process herself. Actually rejecting her actions is a lot more offensive than rejecting her request to perform said actions.
TINO: Hmm......... I guess I just figured she would wait for me to make the first move, and then let me do it. I never even considered what you said! Man, this is just so complicated. Maybe I should just let her have sex with me if it makes this easier, I can't really put up a fight against her if push came to shove. I mean, is there anything wrong with that?
CARVER: Well. technically speaking that sounds like she'd be raping you.
LOR: Look, if you don't want to have sex you just need to say "No!" Don't be such a woman, Tino.
TINO: I'm not being a- Actually, you know, I really am. You're right! I'm the man in this relationship!
CARVER: So to speak.
TINO: If I don't want to have sex, Damn it, I won't!
CARVER: Right on, Tino! (quietly to Lor) Ten bucks says he caves and screws her.
LOR (whispering): You're on.
[SUNDAY, 6:10, TISH'S HOUSE, The party is in full go, TISH, dressed in a form-fitting dress, is talking to NONA.]
TISH: No, no, I didn't invite you as a last minute! I just didn't think of the invitations until late!
NONA: Are you sure?
TISH: Yes! God, you're like the eigth person to ask me that! Why doesn't anyone believe me?
NONA: Well... okay, well good party! [SHE walks away, PERCY approaches her.]
PERCY: Um. Tish.
TISH: Yes, Percy, I meant to invite you!
PERCY: Oh. okay.
[The doorbell rings, TISH rushes to the door and answers it.]
TISH: Greetings and Salutations, welcome to the Gala- Oh, it's you guys. Hey!
LOR: Hey Tish.
TINO: Happy Birthday!
CARVER: What's a gala?
TISH: Thanks for coming you guys! Um, Lor, Carver, help yourselves to any food or anything, and Tino [She engages him in a long slow passionate kiss. CARVER grins and watches, LOR eyes them contemptuously and heads towards the drinks.]
TINO: Whoa! What was THAT for?
TISH (softly): Just a hint of what's too come.
[SHE gives him a little wave and joins LOR by the drinks.]
CARVER: Well, one things for certain. She's definitely still planning on having sex with you.
TINO: Yeeeeep.
[SUNDAY, 11:29 PM, The party is ended, and only the TINO, TISH, CARVER and LOR remain at the party. TISH and LOR are clearing away wrapping paper, TINO is clearing off dishes. CARVER sits on the couch eating some cake.]
LOR: Great party, Tish.
CARVER: You said it. I haven't had cake in like forever!
TINO: Carver, wasn't it your dad's birthday like two weeks ago?
CARVER: Yeah! And two weeks without cake is just insane!
TISH: Well thanks you guys. Thanks again for the dulcimer CD, Carver, and the new paint I'd been wanting, Lor. Um, you know though. I think Tino and I can handle the cleaning-up duties from here on in. It's getting late, you guys should head home.
[CARVER and LOR glance at each other and then at TINO.]
CARVER: Okey-dokey.
LOR: Sounds good to me. Laterdays!
[LOR and CARVER leave. A few seconds later CARVER pops back in and takes the last of the cake.]
CARVER: For the road.
[HE then leaves. TINO and TISH are now alone.]
TINO: So, um, you want me to give you a hand with that wrapping paper?
TISH [grinning]: No, I think I got it under control. Hey, you know, I never opened your present.
TINO: Oh, no, you're right you didn't. You want to do that now, then?
TISH: Sure!
[THEY both sit down on the couch. TINO hands TISH a rather large present.]
TINO: Oh first, here's the card. [HE hands it to her. She smiles and opens it.]
TISH [reading]: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds, Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved." [SHE looks up, teary-eyed at TINO.]
TINO: It's, um, Shakespeare.
TISH [nodding]: Yes, I know. It's one of my favorite sonnets- [SHE bursts into tears.]
TINO: Tish.
TISH: Tino, I love you so much.
TINO: Oh. those are good tears?
TISH: Yes, they're very good tears. [SHE hugs him.]
TINO: Well...You know, you haven't even opened your present yet.
[TISH wipes away her tears, nods, and begins to open the present. It is revealed to be a picture of a swan in a lake. TISH stares at it.]
TINO: Remember? It was like months ago, we were walking by that antique store and you saw this painting and you said it was like one your grandmother had back in the old country?
TISH: This...this must have cost you a fortune... I can't believe you did this.
TINO: Well... I mean, it's your birthday. You deserve something special.
[TISH turns to TINO, tears streaming down her face, and smiling broadly.]
TISH: So do you, Tino. Do you remember, a couple months ago, I told you that my sixteenth birthday would be when I was ready to have sex...?
TINO: Yes... I do.
TISH: Well... [HER smile broadens.]
TINO: ...Tish, I can't do this. I... I just feel we're a little young to be doing this.
TISH: You... I mean, I would have thought you would be-
TINO: I know... I just...I don't want to risk hurting what we have, you know?
TISH: We've been going out for more than a year! Do you have any idea how amazing that is, compared to other couples our age? What could possibly hurt us so badly?
TINO: I don't know. Look, you said you'd be ready to have sex when you're sixteen. Well, I mean, I'm not sixteen yet, I still have six months until then...And maybe I'll be ready then, but...now, I'm just...not.
TISH: Tino, that's okay. I completely understand. It was like back when we were twelve and I was the only one who wasn't into guys yet, everyone gets ready for things at their own rate.
TINO: I'm so glad you understand! I was worried you'd be mad!
TISH: How could I be mad? The last thing I want to turn into is one of those sex-obsessed evil boyfriends from movies on Lifetime.
TINO: Oh, I know! Did you see the one on last night where that girl got raped! I could totally feel her pain, she was so br. [HE slowly trails off and sees TISH looking at him with her eyebrow raised.] Um, yeah, so...you haven't seen my testicles anywhere have you?
[MONDAY (This is a three-day-weekend), 10:29 AM, CARVER and LOR are all at the pizza place waiting for both TISH and TINO to show up. TINO walks up to them.]
TINO: Hey guys!
CARVER and LOR: WELL? DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?
TINO: Nope!
[LOR holds out her hand to CARVER who, grumbling, hands her ten bucks.]
TINO: Tish and I discussed, and we both agreed that sex is not something we'd rush into. We both said we'd discuss the issue again at my sixteenth birthday.
LOR: Well, alright. I think that's really moral of you.
TINO: Thanks!
CARVER: So...she gave you head though, right?
TINO: Well, of course.
[CARVER holds out his hand to LOR who, grumbling, hands him back the ten bucks.]