Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings

Ali's Chapter
"What are two creatures like you doing here?" said the man.
"Look, just get your fake assed spear out of my friend's face, and then we can talk." I told the man over looking us, and taking out my bow and arrow (they were located on my back).
"Fine. As you wish, dear young creature, but what are you doing in parts like these?" he asked.

Tory then stood up with caution and looked at me, with a bright smile on her face.
"Well look, we got to get this straight. We are not young creatures. We are humans transported to a place that is made up, which one we don't know. Could you help us?"
"Maybe, maybe not, it all depends. Who are you anyhow?" the man looked suspicious.
"This is Tory, and I am Ali. Now I will ask you the same old question, who are you?" I said forcefully to him.
"I? I am Eomer, the leader of this horse clump. Why don't you two come with us, and we can get to know each other."
"Fine, but I ride by myself. I'm not riding on that fat horse that you have over there." I pointed at a fat stupid looking horse that was eating grass.
"Alright, you can take my horse. Toy, you can come with me."
"Oh my god! My name is not Toy. If you were listening you would know that it was Tory. Get it right."
When we got on our horses, we started riding due north, from what I could tell. I leaned over to talk to Tory. When she saw me, she leaned over herself, and in a whisper she said "Do you have any idea who this man is? It's Eomer, from The Two Towers. We're in the Two Towers!!! Can you believe it? I totally dig this guy. He is so hot!"
"Whatever. I don't really care. Tory, do you know were they're taking us?"
"I have no clue. They didn't mention anything in the book, except for the fact that they go kill the orcs that capture Merry and Pippin. Wait, that means we have to fight. Do we know how to?"
"Probably, remember we're in a book, anything can happen. Since you read it, then you know what will happen next. I'm only halfway though with it." I made my horse go away because the one that Eomer was riding looked like it was going to kick my horse in the ass. Then I would get hurt and would have to meet Legolas with a broken nose. Not happening.
We went on for miles riding, and never stopping. Finally after what felt like ten hours of being in hell, we stopped. Then Eomer said "Orcs. I can see then, let's go!"
I guess the orcs saw us coming, so they started to run faster. But no fast enough (ha-ha). As we enclosed in on them, I could see two little creatures on the ground. I looked at Tory, and jumped off our horses (but mine followed me, how stupid?) and ran toward them.
"Hi Merry" Tory said.
"Hola Pippin" I said.
"Er who are you?" The one who I thought was Pippin said.

"Angels in disguise. Now move before your ass turns into Uruk-Hai tribal delicacy." Tory said.

"Could we have some help?" They said.
"Sure."
We walked up to them and untied their hands and feet, and left the ropes lying on the ground.
"Look, get into the forest, as fast as you can. Don't be seen by the horse men or the orcs. The men are killing the orcs. But, I don't think that they will realize that you are hobbits, so ran as fast as you can. That way, go now!" I said as fast as I could, gasping for breath.
They ran off in the darkness, and all we could hear was "Thanks." Once we found Eomer again, we got on to our stupid, idiotic horses, and started out toward the rising sun. We hadn't got far when we heard a cry.
"Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?"
We turned around, and circled around an elf (who was really hot), a dwarf (who was ugly as my grandma), and a man (who looked a lot older then us, but hot).
"Why was the sky red this morning? Whose blood was spilled?"
"Orcs. But why would you even care if we will kill orcs. Anyhow," Eomer said, annoyingly.
"Will you just shut up about this "anyhow" crap? Please, you are so annoying. No wonder Tory loves you!" I turned to Tory to see her frowning at me. Then I whispered "I'm only joking. I wanted him to cut the crap, and get to the good part. I think I want to stay, and look for Merry and Pippin with Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli."
"Sounds good to me." She answered back. "I also think he should cut the crap, so we can leave."
"Did you find two hobbits there? They would only be Halflings, like children, to you." Aragorn said with feeling.
"We did. We helped Merry and Pippin get into the Fangorn forest. We can help you find them. If it's okay with you." Tory said with feeling to Aragorn.
"Just as long as you know they are alive. I think we would be more than happy for you to help us. We don't mind, right?" Aragorn looked at Legolas and Gimli with pleading in his voice.
"Sure." Legolas agreed. Then he whispered to Aragorn, "You get the blonde one, I get the brown haired one." I don't think Tory heard them or she would have something to say. She gets very pissed when the guys try to establish male dominance. It just rubs her the wrong way.
"Fine." Gimli said. "None for me. I'll just have to find another one."
"May we borrow some horses though? We will never get into the forest in time to find them." Aragorn said, looking at Eomer.
"Take these. One will have to ride with Tory, and I think Ali would rather to ride by herself." Aragorn took the horses, and I led the way to the place where the battle took place only a few hours before.