Tory and Ali screw wit Lord of the Rings
Tory's Chapter 5: Ramblings of a Person wit a Sore Butt
A/N: Ali that was great, but how could you make Merry gay??!!! No!!!! I want to marry him!!! I love him!!! He is so cool!!!
Disclaimer: We dun own them. We just like to play with them every once in a while. Heh heh heh...
Finally! No more riding! We were now in Edoras and approaching the Golden Hall of Théoden. (Yes! I have read the books! Be proud! They are long!) We arrived at the door. A guard ordered us to leave our weapons at the door. Aragorn and Legolas looked suspicious, but Gandalf signaled that it was all right. The guard came to collect my amazingly dangerous staff. (I probably could have hurt more guys with my knee than that stupid staff!) Ali put up a slight fight when he took her bow and arrows. She had him in a headlock within 2 seconds. She whispered in his ear, probably threatening him. I didn't want to know.
We walked in the hall. It was BIG! There was an extremely old looking man at the end. He looked like he was going to kick the bucket any minute now. There was an extremely greasy man in the corner who spoke to Gandalf and Théoden. I could not hear what he said. It was evil, I knew that much. Gandalf yelled something at him. Théoden began to laugh. That was even freakier than in the movie. Suddenly a guard grabbed me around the waist.
"Yo!" I tried to get him off of me. It wasn't working! "Help me, you idiots!!!" Aragorn rushed in and knocked the guard out. Super cool! He looked like he was going to say something, but didn't get the chance. The other guards started attacking us. I saw Gandalf doing his spell thingy, but I wasn't paying much attention. Too busy beating up (or trying to beat up) the stupid guards who didn't know we were trying to help. Ali was having more luck than I was, but maybe that's because she took kick-boxing lessons or something. I was doing better when I wasn't surprised. And I had the "un"fair advantage of the "knee in the groin" trick. I brought down quite a few arrogant guards that way. Then Gandalf finished his spell thing and Théoden got younger. Grima looked very scared (and greasy). Don't get me wrong, evil people are cool (Malfoy *drool*), but Grima was so repulsive. Shudder. Well, he got kicked out. I wasn't watching though. I was eating. All that riding made me damn HUNGRY! Eowyn and I had a nice chat after lunch. She was really nice, but not exactly a bubbly personality. More like a metal door, but who am I to judge? Anyway, she said that she and Aragorn would be happy to help me with my staff. *Jump for Joy!* This was actually not turning our so badly!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Next Day
Edoras was not bad, but it was boring as hell! The schedule of the day: Gandalf advises Théoden; Eowyn flirts with Aragorn; Ali flirts with Legolas; Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Eomer, and Eowyn talk about Middle Earth or weapons; Tory gets lost in big, grand hall while looking for someone to play Parcheesi with (no one likes it here! What is wrong with this world?); or Tory mopes (or has spaz attacks that cause her to throw things across the room while everybody stares at her).
Fun, right? I had no one to talk to. Everyone was busy and nobody understood Parcheesi. I had had one "Staff Lesson for Dummies." It went well. I now had the right stance. Victory! I decided to stir things up a bit. Make people have a bit of fun in this pathetic life that they had. My chance came in the afternoon of the second day in Edoras. I had gotten lost again and I found a very interesting room. There were all sorts of weird objects in there, like an embroidered dagger belt and other assorted things. I was looking through them and a small ball caught my eye. It looked like a ball that you would play jacks with except it had spikes on it. They weren't very sharp, but they would hurt if you sat on them. Hmm…
It was lunch time. Lunch is very informal at Edoras, but we usually all ate it together. We being Ali, myself, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Eowyn, and sometimes Theoden or Gandalf would join us for a quick bite. I sat next to Legolas, Ali having switched seats with me. I told her that I wanted to talk to Legolas about something. She wanted to sit next to Aragorn anyway and talk about how to hold a sword or something equally boring. Legolas got up to go get himself a second helping of food. I slipped the metal ball onto his chair and continued with the conversation, trying to look innocent. He came back a minute later. And was answering a question about arrows when he sat on the ball. He let out a shriek. It was so funny. Aragorn, Ali, Gimli and Eowyn all had their weapons ready to stop the thing that was attacking Legolas.
"What is it?!" Ali shouted. Legolas turned around and looked on his chair. He picked up the ball.
"Would any of you have any idea what this is?" he asked threateningly.
"No," everyone but me answered. Aragorn took it to look at it closer.
"Tory, do you know what this is?" Legolas asked.
"Um…no." One of my weaknesses in life was not keeping a straight face. I burst out laughing. Ali and Aragorn looked confused. "I put it there, I'm guilty, I'm sorry, it was just so funny…" Legolas looked really mad. "Uh-oh. I'm sorry, seriously."
"I'll get you for that!" Legolas charged straight at me.
"Oh shit!" I ran around the hall, but there was nowhere to run. I had to run in circles. Aragorn was looking very surprised. I guess you don't see an angry elf chasing after an insane girl too often in Middle -Earth. Ali, Eowyn, and Gimli were in complete hysterics. "Help me! Someone save me from this crazy elf!" No, they were all to busy laughing at me. I ran around the hall a couple more times, but my mere mortal running skills were not enough to match the elf. He was gaining on me. "I'll get you!" He was one foot away when I dived under the table. He was too tall to fit under there, so he was trying to pull me out. I grabbed on to a strong looking leg.
"Hey!" Eomer yelled, "Get off my leg! You fight your own battles!"
"A little HELP would be greatly appreciated!" I yelled back, clutching his leg tighter as Legolas pulled harder.
"Ow, dammit!" Eomer cursed, then looked embarrassed.
"Wow, you've been hanging around me too much, haven't you?" Ali said grinning.
"Speaking of hanging, you are not hanging on me anymore!" Eomer pushed me off of his leg and into the clutches of that evil elf. He grinned.
"Ahhhh!!!" He was tickling me! (That is my other weakness.) "Stop! Stop! I'm sorry! I swear! Let me go! Ah!" I burst into giggles. The whole table was laughing hysterically now, even Lord Aragorn-of-the-Expressionless-Face. It wasn't that funny! "I'm sorreeeee!!" My voice cracked so that even Legolas started laughing. "That's not fair!"
"Oh yes it is!" Legolas said. He finally stopped tickling me.
"I only injured your pride a bit!" I said.
"And his bottom!" Eomer joked. Legolas tried to look pouty, but it didn't work. He looked like a sick dog. Ali and Aragorn cracked up. Legolas looked even more injured. He then started grinning and took out his swords. He then put them to Aragorn's throat. Aragorn stopped laughing.
"Do you yield, my lord?" Legolas asked.
"I yield." Aragorn said putting his hands up.
"Hey, not so fast, elfie." I grabbed a (big, heavy, hard to ) sword and put it to Legolas's throat. Ali grabbed her arrow and placed it, point down, on my back.
"Don't. Touch. My. Guy." She whispered.
"Are you threatening me?" I asked her, not daring to turn around.
"You could call it that." God, was she arrogant, much?
"Never threaten a lady," Ali now had a knife to her back, courtesy of Eomer. Weird, strange customs these people had.
"No discrimination, my brother. How many times have I told you that men and women are equally good fighters?" Eowyn placed a knife to her brother's throat. We were all in a very awkward positon. Suddenly, the double doors to the hall flew open and Gandalf and Theoden walked in. They stopped talking in the middle of their sentence and stared incredulously.
"What in the name of Helm Hammerhand is going on?" Théoden asked.
"The young and the reckless." Gimli said, shaking his head. We all put down our weapons, embarrassed.
"The young are driven by hormones." Gandalf said knowingly. Ali and I looked at each other and tried to hide laughter. Gandalf looked offended. We burst out laughing. Everyone stared at us weirdly. Oh well, this had been a very fine day indeedy!