Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings
Chapter 13 (oh no its unlucky 13 help us from the superstitious people)
A/N: This is not my best chapter. I was very stressed while writing this, so it isn't my best work. (I actually think that Chapter 7 is the best.......lol) This is short. Very short.
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I just play with them once in a while. Also 50 Cent owns the song "In Da Club" and Eminem owns "Without Me" and "Lose Youself". Sir Mixalot owns "Baby Got Back".
We stood on the edges of the Dead Marshes. It smelled dreadful.
"Come on hobbitses! Long way to go!" Gollum said. Sam looked at Frodo as if to say 'Why the heck are we following him?'. Frodo shrugged and gave him a look as if to say 'We have to," Sam sighed and followed his 'master' (brain - do not think about that) into the bog. Ali and I followed close behind.
After 10 minutes I had stepped in about 4000 little slime holes and had swamp gunk up to my knee. Ali was clean. Oh this cruel, cruel world.
~*~*~
We have been walking in this marsh forever, it seems. The smell is so awful you can't describe it. It smothers you; it gets in your nose, mouth, and every pore of your body. I would kill to have a nice shower right now. I am so disgusting. After being in this stinkhole, you think I would get used to the smell, but no it still stinks.
"I am so nasty," I said to Ali.
"You have said that about a hundred times." She said, rolling her eyes.
"Sor-ry" I said grumpily. My thoughts drifted to home. I missed my family (except for my brother, urg) and my friends. I wanted to tell my Gollum-obsessed friends that I had met Gollum. I'm sure Ali wanted to brag to our Legolas fan-girl friends *AnnieJessica* that she had actually met the tree hugging elf and kissed him A LOT.
"Shit" I cursed as I stepped in the 4001st little stinkhole.
"Tory, keep up! You're worse than Sam." Ali yelled.
"Sssssh! We mussst be ssssilent!" Gollum hissed. I smirked at Ali. She frowned and turned away. Our small party trudged on.
It was quite uneventful until Sam looked down and saw the dead face floating next to him. He screamed a girly scream. Ali snickered.
"There are dead faces in there!" he yelled.
"Yesssss. Men and elvessss and orcsesss too. A great battle wassss fought here. Thissss isss why it isss the Dead Marshesssss. Watch out or you go down to join the dead ones and they will light candlessss of your own." (A/N: That didn't make sense but I can't remember what he said. Guess I have to see that movie AGAIN!) Gollum hissed and slunk away. I didn't understand what he said, but not ending up dead was a good idea. I was more careful after that.
~*~*~*~
I lagged for a bit behind the group, going slowly and trying not to step in holes. I heard Sam yell "Mr. Frodo!" and a splash. I whipped around. Frodo had fallen in the water. Now maybe we would get out of here sometime soon and not in the next Age.
Gollum pulled him out and whispered to him. I think Gollum had a thing for Frodo. I dunno, just an educated guess.
As I caught up to the little group, Ali called "Hey, you missed the party." She laughed.
"Ha ha. In this stinking place, they don't know the meaning of 'party'." I grumbled.
"But we know the meaning of party!" she said grinning. Oh no, not another Ali scheme. She started to dance and sing.
"Go, go, go, go shawty, It's your birthday."
"We gon' party like it's your birthday," I joined in.
"We gon' sip Bacardi like it's yo birthday and you know we don't give a fuck, its not your birthday!" We sang together. The hobbits and Gollum looked at us like we were crazy. We didn't disappoint them, we are! I had a really good idea. I whispered it to Ali and she looked at me like I was crazy, then grinned and nodded.
~*~*~*~
"I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers cant deny,
when a girl walks in wit an itty bitty waist
and a round thing in your face
You get Sprung!"
The hobbits were rapping. To Big Butts. Ali and I were laughing so hard. It was scary.
We had rested about an hour earlier, when Ali and I were singing "In Da Club". I had an idea to teach the hobbits to rap. They are crazy about it now. We taught them "Without Me", "Lose Yourself" and now we were teaching them "Baby Got Back." I wish Jess could have seen them. She was so good at the butt slapping dance that goes to it. Ali was teaching them that now. Hobbits...... and butt-slapping ......equals probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.
They were really bad. Really really really really really really bad. We got Gollum to do the Gollum-Butt-Dance (you know, the one he does in the movie) while the hobbits were slapping their butts and rapping. Damn, if they weren't in front of me I would have thought it was another of my crazy dreams.
Ali laughed so hard she fell over into one of those pools of slime. I held out my hand to her to help her out.
"Oh. MY. GOD!" she laughed. "I think that was the best idea you have had in years. The only idea you have in years." She laughed at her own joke.
"Oh thanks" I said, pushing her. She slipped and fell in the slime hole again. Ha ha, she had the reflexes of GIMLI!
"Sorry," I said, laughing and not really meaning it. I put my hand down again to help her out again.
"Bitch!" she said, and pulled me down next to her.
"Hey, well I'm just a bitch, but you, you're the bitch across the street." I told her.
"Yea, ha ha." She said sarcastically. (but she was smiling.) "You're worse than I am."
"Oh is that so?" I asked. "You wanna fight, huh?" I threw swamp crap at her. I hit her in the face. Oops!
"You @*#&!*@&#!*@&#!*@&#*!@#*&!@*#&!(cursing censored out for the kiddies and because Ali has said that she has given up cursing for Lent)!" Ali yelled. The hobbits stared at us in disbelief. (They didn't even know what that meant!) She picked up a huge handful of slimy stuff that looked kinda like seaweed.
She grabbed me and shoved it in my face. I sat down, hard, into a puddle. I spat out the mud that had worked its way into my mouth.
"Oooo, you're asking for it girl!" I shouted. I got up jerkily and started to chase Ali around the little strip of land that we were standing on.
The hobbits had become our cheerleaders.
"Run, Ali, run!" Frodo yelled.
"Go get her, Tory!" That was Sam. I ran as fast as I could. We were up to our knees in swamp gunk. I (having longer legs) caught up to Ali quickly. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her headfirst into the swamp. She fell. Headfirst. Into the swamp. I was dead meat.
Ali came up. She was covered in swamp crap. She looked the like "The Creature from the Black Lagoon." It was really funny and I couldn't help laughing. She looked really mad though.
"Oops." She charged at me. You couldn't almost see the steam coming out of her ears. I dodged her and tried to run away. I was gaining ground when-
"OOF!" I fell. I think I was tripped, because I am not that clumsy to trip over my own feet, no matter WHAT Ali says.) Suddenly Ali grabbed me. I was in big doodoo. She might be shorter than me, but she was stronger. She dragged me along the ground until I was in about a foot of mud. Then she dunked me. We were now both covered from head to toe in mud. The hobbits and Gollum weren't and they were staring at us as if we were freaks. I pointed that out to Ali. Differences forgotten, we prepared for war.
"Mud fight!" I yelled, slinging mud at Frodo (I think he was the one that tripped me.) It caught him on the side of the head.
"Mr. Frod-" Sam's cry of sympathy turned into mud spitting as Ali's mud-ball hit him in the mouth.
"You go girl!" I yelled throwing more mud at random hobbits now. We were slowly, but surely turning the hobbits into monsters from the Black Lagoon. The hobbits looked confused as we pelted them with mud, then they snapped out of their blonde moment and grabbed some mud.
"For the Shire!!!" they yelled. They charged at us, throwing swamp crap! Hard!
"Aieeeee!" I yelled running away. I was trying to find cover, but there was none. I got hit again and again by the well aimed mud balls. These hobbits could be really good baseball players. Their strike zone was probably 3 inches by 3 inches and they could throw really well.
"Tory, your idea is not working!" Ali yelled, ducking. A mud ball came over her head and hit me in the mouth. YUCK! Ali cracked up. She fell over laughing. Into more mud. Frodo and Sam had reached us at this point. They were just about ready to throw another handful of mud, when I held up my hands.
"Peace, hobbits, peace. No more mud throwing. It won't do anything. We are already so covered we can just lie here and the orcs will step on top of us and not know we are here." I explained. The hobbits nodded and dropped the mud.
"We have to get on our way." said Frodo.
"I agree." agreed Sam.
"Ok." Ali said. "Let's go." She gestured to Gollum. "Come on, Gollum! We're leaving!"
Gollum slunk (A/N: Is it slunk or slinked? They both sound wrong. Moving on.....) Gollum slunk over to us. He was muttering something like "Ssssssstinky hobbitsssessss.....sssssmell bad..." He was right. We smelled SO BAD. It was just NASTY! I couldn't wait to meet Farimir's crew while stinking worse than B.O. (sarcasm people, sarcasm). Hopefully we would get to a river or stream or puddle so I could wash up. I think I remembered one from the movie, but I only saw it 6 times so I'm not sure. I MISS SHOWERS!!!!
Chapter 13 (oh no its unlucky 13 help us from the superstitious people)
A/N: This is not my best chapter. I was very stressed while writing this, so it isn't my best work. (I actually think that Chapter 7 is the best.......lol) This is short. Very short.
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I just play with them once in a while. Also 50 Cent owns the song "In Da Club" and Eminem owns "Without Me" and "Lose Youself". Sir Mixalot owns "Baby Got Back".
We stood on the edges of the Dead Marshes. It smelled dreadful.
"Come on hobbitses! Long way to go!" Gollum said. Sam looked at Frodo as if to say 'Why the heck are we following him?'. Frodo shrugged and gave him a look as if to say 'We have to," Sam sighed and followed his 'master' (brain - do not think about that) into the bog. Ali and I followed close behind.
After 10 minutes I had stepped in about 4000 little slime holes and had swamp gunk up to my knee. Ali was clean. Oh this cruel, cruel world.
~*~*~
We have been walking in this marsh forever, it seems. The smell is so awful you can't describe it. It smothers you; it gets in your nose, mouth, and every pore of your body. I would kill to have a nice shower right now. I am so disgusting. After being in this stinkhole, you think I would get used to the smell, but no it still stinks.
"I am so nasty," I said to Ali.
"You have said that about a hundred times." She said, rolling her eyes.
"Sor-ry" I said grumpily. My thoughts drifted to home. I missed my family (except for my brother, urg) and my friends. I wanted to tell my Gollum-obsessed friends that I had met Gollum. I'm sure Ali wanted to brag to our Legolas fan-girl friends *AnnieJessica* that she had actually met the tree hugging elf and kissed him A LOT.
"Shit" I cursed as I stepped in the 4001st little stinkhole.
"Tory, keep up! You're worse than Sam." Ali yelled.
"Sssssh! We mussst be ssssilent!" Gollum hissed. I smirked at Ali. She frowned and turned away. Our small party trudged on.
It was quite uneventful until Sam looked down and saw the dead face floating next to him. He screamed a girly scream. Ali snickered.
"There are dead faces in there!" he yelled.
"Yesssss. Men and elvessss and orcsesss too. A great battle wassss fought here. Thissss isss why it isss the Dead Marshesssss. Watch out or you go down to join the dead ones and they will light candlessss of your own." (A/N: That didn't make sense but I can't remember what he said. Guess I have to see that movie AGAIN!) Gollum hissed and slunk away. I didn't understand what he said, but not ending up dead was a good idea. I was more careful after that.
~*~*~*~
I lagged for a bit behind the group, going slowly and trying not to step in holes. I heard Sam yell "Mr. Frodo!" and a splash. I whipped around. Frodo had fallen in the water. Now maybe we would get out of here sometime soon and not in the next Age.
Gollum pulled him out and whispered to him. I think Gollum had a thing for Frodo. I dunno, just an educated guess.
As I caught up to the little group, Ali called "Hey, you missed the party." She laughed.
"Ha ha. In this stinking place, they don't know the meaning of 'party'." I grumbled.
"But we know the meaning of party!" she said grinning. Oh no, not another Ali scheme. She started to dance and sing.
"Go, go, go, go shawty, It's your birthday."
"We gon' party like it's your birthday," I joined in.
"We gon' sip Bacardi like it's yo birthday and you know we don't give a fuck, its not your birthday!" We sang together. The hobbits and Gollum looked at us like we were crazy. We didn't disappoint them, we are! I had a really good idea. I whispered it to Ali and she looked at me like I was crazy, then grinned and nodded.
~*~*~*~
"I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers cant deny,
when a girl walks in wit an itty bitty waist
and a round thing in your face
You get Sprung!"
The hobbits were rapping. To Big Butts. Ali and I were laughing so hard. It was scary.
We had rested about an hour earlier, when Ali and I were singing "In Da Club". I had an idea to teach the hobbits to rap. They are crazy about it now. We taught them "Without Me", "Lose Yourself" and now we were teaching them "Baby Got Back." I wish Jess could have seen them. She was so good at the butt slapping dance that goes to it. Ali was teaching them that now. Hobbits...... and butt-slapping ......equals probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.
They were really bad. Really really really really really really bad. We got Gollum to do the Gollum-Butt-Dance (you know, the one he does in the movie) while the hobbits were slapping their butts and rapping. Damn, if they weren't in front of me I would have thought it was another of my crazy dreams.
Ali laughed so hard she fell over into one of those pools of slime. I held out my hand to her to help her out.
"Oh. MY. GOD!" she laughed. "I think that was the best idea you have had in years. The only idea you have in years." She laughed at her own joke.
"Oh thanks" I said, pushing her. She slipped and fell in the slime hole again. Ha ha, she had the reflexes of GIMLI!
"Sorry," I said, laughing and not really meaning it. I put my hand down again to help her out again.
"Bitch!" she said, and pulled me down next to her.
"Hey, well I'm just a bitch, but you, you're the bitch across the street." I told her.
"Yea, ha ha." She said sarcastically. (but she was smiling.) "You're worse than I am."
"Oh is that so?" I asked. "You wanna fight, huh?" I threw swamp crap at her. I hit her in the face. Oops!
"You @*#&!*@&#!*@&#!*@&#*!@#*&!@*#&!(cursing censored out for the kiddies and because Ali has said that she has given up cursing for Lent)!" Ali yelled. The hobbits stared at us in disbelief. (They didn't even know what that meant!) She picked up a huge handful of slimy stuff that looked kinda like seaweed.
She grabbed me and shoved it in my face. I sat down, hard, into a puddle. I spat out the mud that had worked its way into my mouth.
"Oooo, you're asking for it girl!" I shouted. I got up jerkily and started to chase Ali around the little strip of land that we were standing on.
The hobbits had become our cheerleaders.
"Run, Ali, run!" Frodo yelled.
"Go get her, Tory!" That was Sam. I ran as fast as I could. We were up to our knees in swamp gunk. I (having longer legs) caught up to Ali quickly. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her headfirst into the swamp. She fell. Headfirst. Into the swamp. I was dead meat.
Ali came up. She was covered in swamp crap. She looked the like "The Creature from the Black Lagoon." It was really funny and I couldn't help laughing. She looked really mad though.
"Oops." She charged at me. You couldn't almost see the steam coming out of her ears. I dodged her and tried to run away. I was gaining ground when-
"OOF!" I fell. I think I was tripped, because I am not that clumsy to trip over my own feet, no matter WHAT Ali says.) Suddenly Ali grabbed me. I was in big doodoo. She might be shorter than me, but she was stronger. She dragged me along the ground until I was in about a foot of mud. Then she dunked me. We were now both covered from head to toe in mud. The hobbits and Gollum weren't and they were staring at us as if we were freaks. I pointed that out to Ali. Differences forgotten, we prepared for war.
"Mud fight!" I yelled, slinging mud at Frodo (I think he was the one that tripped me.) It caught him on the side of the head.
"Mr. Frod-" Sam's cry of sympathy turned into mud spitting as Ali's mud-ball hit him in the mouth.
"You go girl!" I yelled throwing more mud at random hobbits now. We were slowly, but surely turning the hobbits into monsters from the Black Lagoon. The hobbits looked confused as we pelted them with mud, then they snapped out of their blonde moment and grabbed some mud.
"For the Shire!!!" they yelled. They charged at us, throwing swamp crap! Hard!
"Aieeeee!" I yelled running away. I was trying to find cover, but there was none. I got hit again and again by the well aimed mud balls. These hobbits could be really good baseball players. Their strike zone was probably 3 inches by 3 inches and they could throw really well.
"Tory, your idea is not working!" Ali yelled, ducking. A mud ball came over her head and hit me in the mouth. YUCK! Ali cracked up. She fell over laughing. Into more mud. Frodo and Sam had reached us at this point. They were just about ready to throw another handful of mud, when I held up my hands.
"Peace, hobbits, peace. No more mud throwing. It won't do anything. We are already so covered we can just lie here and the orcs will step on top of us and not know we are here." I explained. The hobbits nodded and dropped the mud.
"We have to get on our way." said Frodo.
"I agree." agreed Sam.
"Ok." Ali said. "Let's go." She gestured to Gollum. "Come on, Gollum! We're leaving!"
Gollum slunk (A/N: Is it slunk or slinked? They both sound wrong. Moving on.....) Gollum slunk over to us. He was muttering something like "Ssssssstinky hobbitsssessss.....sssssmell bad..." He was right. We smelled SO BAD. It was just NASTY! I couldn't wait to meet Farimir's crew while stinking worse than B.O. (sarcasm people, sarcasm). Hopefully we would get to a river or stream or puddle so I could wash up. I think I remembered one from the movie, but I only saw it 6 times so I'm not sure. I MISS SHOWERS!!!!