Disparity
II. Potter the Sucker and Dudley's bargain
"Potter?" Draco raised an eyebrow and peered at the servant boy over the tops of his Bada shades as the fine male specimen approached. "My." He paused and stared, obviously checking Harry Potter out. Not bad, not bad at all. what with him being half naked and everything. oooh, he would need a bib soon if he didn't take a hold of himself and look away. This was even better than the free peepshow in the male locker room. "You look good." He stopped himself just in time and shook his head to clear the cobwebs. "What are you doing here?"
"Duh! He's my cousin. Draco, I'm sure you've met Harry." Dudley said flatly. "He's good for nothing-except fixing my absolutely gorgeous bubblegum pink car. but other than that, he's completely useless. I mean, really, who'd want to listen to Korn or Metallica all day? Daddy says that only narcotic drug addicts do!"
"You're telling me. I've got this cousin-Yes, Nymphy-who's a big fan of Evanescence! She even dyed her hair black, now constantly lines her eyes and lips with kohl and actually had her lips pierced. Really! The things people do in honour of exalting their 'icons'." Exasperated roll of the eyes. "As if those studs decorating her nose, ears and eyebrows weren't enough as it was. She's utterly gothic and creepy." Suppression of a feigned shudder which wracked slim shoulders. "Why not listen to music made by Britney or Hillary Duff or Christina or John Mayer? Anything's better than destroying one's eardrums due to the audio sampling of whiny angsty guitar riffs. Haven't they understood the utter sophistication of immersing one's self in the diversity of music of like say. did I mention Britney. Have you seen her 'Me Against the Music' video?"
"Yes!" Dudley exclaimed. "I loved it!"
"I totally agree!" Draco contained a squeal. "It was a great candidate for hot lesbian sex but then again, I'm gay so I wouldn't think I'd be into lesbians like Britney and Madonna. being the hot blonde bombshells they are. Oh god. Madonna, she's like the ultimate diva!"
"I've got to agree with you there." Dudley nodded. "Yes, definitely- Westlife! Yes! Or Josh Groban. hotness.What else? Oh my god. Boyzone! They kick ass! Oh! Did you hear that that Stephen guy got married in Las Vegas? And. hmm. Oh my god! Avril!"
Harry sighed and cleared his throat, contemplating the merits of suicide against listening to this particularly enlightening conversation.
"You called?" he asked, shoving his hands deep into his jeans pockets as if fumbling for something. "Oh, forgot to return this." He retrieved a black pen from his trousers and held it out to Draco. "Thanks anyway."
"Suit yourself." Draco shrugged, taking the proffered writing instrument and stuffing it into his tiny backpack while depositing his poodle into Harry's unexpecting arms. "Take care of Precious now. He won't stand for being unattended to. And he absolutely wants everyone to croon- not speak, mind you-to him, just like I do. Just throw a nice comment or two every few minutes or so his way and he'll undoubtedly take to you. Don't feed him anything from the sea, he'll get allergies and if he gets thirsty, he only drinks Evian-definitely no tap water. Trot along now."
He removed his rimless sunglasses from their perch on his hair and slid them back on his nose. Turning his back on that lovely tanned body, he regarded Dudley for a moment before linking his arm through a more shall we say chubby one and proceeded to regale the plebeian house with his presence. "Dudders, you were telling me something?"
/&*&*&/
"You fag!" Draco exclaimed. "Adrian's having sex with Justin, I knew it. He's cheating on me. and this is all your fault!" Draco pouted, throwing the bright blue ball against Dudley's bright red bedroom wall. "You should fix it, give Justin herpes or something, I don't care. just keep him away from Adrian! You know I hate sharing and if it means I'll have to share Adrian then that Justin boy must be off his rocker because there is no way in hell that I'm giving Adrian up to some low-life second grade piece of scum!"
"I told you, I didn't do anything! If they're sleeping with each other, then they're responsible for that! Not sweet and innocent Dudders here!" Dudley explained carefully. "I mean, really, Draco... act more mature, don't blame everything on me!"
"Don't you Draco me!" Draco pointing an accusing finger in Dudley's direction. "If you didn't introduce him to Justin, then he wouldn't be cheating on me! I mean, it's so unfair! I'm the paradigm of loyalty and he's been cheating! I'd do anything for him! Must I be the one to decide on everything then? I mean, say. we got married or something, must I be the one to decide upon everything while he's warming his dick up someone else's arse? THAT IS SO BLEEDING UNFAIR! I AM SO FREAKIN' LOYAL AND HE'S A CHEATING SCUMBAG!"
"You redundant bitch! You've been cheating on him throughout the course of your relationship and nearly half your life! You flirt with just about anyone and you love it when someone smacks you on the arse. You're sexually addicted and you can't commit Draco. Get the facts straight, honey. You're psychologically ill darling; I learned that in medical school."
"Well. That's not cheating-that's just flirting, those are two different rationales! And like you said, I'm excused-I'm psychologically ill."
"You slept with Professor-"
"Don't remind me." Draco shuddered and mock fainted onto the edge of Dudley's pastel pink bed. "That was really bad, that man couldn't even get it up! He's impotent-but I was failing Gym class! So halfway through the act, I had to give up and just give him a lap dance. Oh, I should be martyred for both acts! And you know I hate getting sweaty and sticky, I'd rather skip it for something much more entertaining: Ballet or Orlando Bloom movies for example. Ooooh." A near orgasmic swoon. "Lord of the Rings for example or Pirates of the Caribbean-" Another post-orgasmic swoon. "Ooh. Johnny Depp-Black Hawk Down with Ewan!"
"Well. you've got a point... and a really great point at that." Dudley paused. "But what can I possibly do-I mean, really. it was his choice! I told him you wouldn't like it but he insisted that you wouldn't mind. he said you wouldn't care any less since you sleep with half of Britain's male population on a regular basis, granted, also the other half of the female population."
"He said that? That bastard! I'd never sleep with a woman! Humph!" An adorably sexy pout crossed his features. "You should fix this Dudley! Fix it!" Draco scowled. "You ruined it. You fix it!" He smacked Dudley on the arm-hard. "I want you to fix this; I don't care what happens to you, just fix it, fix it, and fix it! If you don't, I'll tattle on daddy and he can kick your father out of his job!"
Dudley frowned for a moment before he came across a bright (or so he thought.) idea. "HARRY!!!"
/&*&*&/
"Oi. you pooch!" Harry growled as he slammed the water bottle down on the ground and approached Draco's dog, Precious and his own retriever, Pimp ( between the name Brutus or Pimp in the pet shop, he'd rather have the latter). "Get your paws off my dog! He's straight and even if he was gay, he isn't into poodles- now get!"
"HARRY!!!"
He groaned as he heard Dudley's voice. He shook his head and tugged on Pimp's collar, giving him a swift kick into the general direction of the backyard. "There's no way in hell you're mating with some ugly curly effeminate poodle with an effeminate owner. god knows, I'd end up paying him for the rest of my life for tainting his precious poodle."
"Oh, Harry! Darling?"
He scowled as he felt his cousin's encompassing presence looming behind him.
"Precious!" Draco exclaimed as he pulled his petty little dog towards him. "That dog's not vaccinated and he may have tics. You can't go near him- you're Malfoy property. You can't get yourself tarnished or you'll have to go spend the rest of your life with the Lestranges or worse, with the Tonks! You wouldn't want that now, do you Precious?"
"Believe me; you wouldn't want to live with the Tonk's." Dudley remarked off-handedly. "I was once her classmate and believe me. they hang poodles on the walls and feed them potty water-the worst part is, they feed you left-over shrimps and then you'll get nasty rashes. You would then die drowning in a pool of your own drool and then they'd nail you onto a board and hang you on their rickety wall!"
The poodle cowered and tried to burrow in Draco's expensive white dress shirt. "That's more like it, Precious. listen to mummy.yes, afraid now aren't you?"
"Harry." Dudley batted his lashes innocently, as his voice hit a strangely soprano pitch (higher than what could be deemed possible.). "You're my really handsome and most favourite cousin right? The handsome- est and the most cleverest and the most favourite-est?"
Harry inwardly gagged. "As if you needed to remind me."
"You're my best cousin right?" Dudley asked sweetly. "The best among the rest? The very, very best? Right? Huh?"
"Dud! Get on with it!" Draco whined, tapping his shiny black patent loafers. "You're not getting to the point and I can't waste my time here talking to some loser! I mean, Hello? Daddy wants me home before five-we have a party at seven and mum and I scheduled for this whole body scrub in an exclusive leisure spa somewhere in Wiltshire-we're taking the chopper. besides, the masseuses are all gay males with rods the size of German Frankfurters."
"Well you'll have to wait. these things take time and special skills!" Dudley scowled the paused as if suddenly realizing Draco's last statement. "German Frankfurters? Oh god, what I wouldn't give for ten minutes with one of those, but from what I've heard my beloved cousin's got bigger." He trailed off as he became the recipient of a fear-inducing Harry Potter glare.
So, he continued with his tirade, taking note of the furtive glances Draco shot in the direction of Harry's crotch. "Harry. you're my best cousin right and we took you in when your mum and dad died and we fed you and gave you a nice cupboard to sleep in, remember? We even bought you a squirrel a few Christmases ago, right? And when I was small and you were small, I gave you my broken shiny red truck, right? And that was my very favourite."
"How could I forget?" Harry asked, fighting back a sneer. "How considerate of you for taking me in and giving me your wonderful toy truck. despite the fact that it was utterly useless and you took it back when you bought that book of yours. What was it again?" A faux look of contemplation crossed his features before settling on smug. "Right, 'The Joys of Gay Sex'."
"God! You ungrateful straight asshole!" Dudley glared at him, scandalised, his hand on his chest. "Look, I want you to accompany Draco to Trinity College. Think of this as an adventure-it's the only time you'll ever get into an expensive college. I've got a mission for you."
"Not unless if it involves having sex with whales then I don't think I'd enjoy that." Harry tried hard to suppress a grin. "But then again, it's fuck all, isn't it? If you want me to head to Trinity College to piss off some random boyfriend of yours, think again, Dudley. I'm not doing that."
"I think he just insulted you Dud." Draco smiled, "Potter, you're very clever. I'm beginning to enjoy you. Dudley, why don't you tell him that he's only to accompany me there to set up thermo-scanners around Adrian's room to check on my darling boyfriend since I can't very well have the services of an electricity person charged to my account since Daddy'll be undoubtedly suspicious of that. Don't worry, though, Potter, if you won't tell anyone about this then I won't tell anyone about this-alright?"
"I couldn't care any less if you told anyone." Harry muttered then paused, "How much are you willing to give?"
Dudley, who had been muttering something along the lines of 'what, and he won't question thermo-scanners being charged to his account?' suddenly paused in his ramblings with an aghast look painted on his features as he chastised his cousin. "What do you mean how much you ingrate? Have you no shame-"
"Fifty thousand pounds?" Draco raised an eyebrow. "That's a lot for someone like you. It will ensure a semester in Monkshood in case something happens."
"One hundred thousand." Harry shook his head. "There are two semesters in a whole school year. You miscalculated. One semester won't have me graduating. I need two semesters to move into college-and quite honestly? I also need an upgrade for my jeep."
Draco turned his head and gawked at the maroon jeep with black rims. "You honestly call that a jeep? If you want, I'll get you a new one with a stellar radio. Darling, you're speaking to Draco Lucius Malfoy, the richest kid in Monkshood. I can give you anything and anyone. That's like, three in a package: sex, money and power!"
"I'll take the money and the jeep." Harry shrugged at Dudley and shook Draco's manicured and well-moisturised hand. "I can monitor straight for a week during Spring Break except on Sunday. I have to meet one of my friends and won't be back until the following Monday at noon."
"I don't care about your liaisons and trysts! If I need you somewhere, you have to be there. You do everything I want without question. I want a job well done." Draco raised his chin contemplatively. "Alright, I think I ought to leave. Dudley, darling, you've got a wonderful and dependable cousin. If he does an extremely good job, I'll get you your own private man-whore-for your own exclusive use, at your own disposal. He'll have a dick larger than a baseball bat."
"I'd like that very much." Dudley smiled, "Can I have your cousin Roger Parcy instead?" He bat his eyelashes coquettishly. Draco shrugged his shoulders. "Alright. Harry, I will be there to make sure you do a good job or I will slit your throat and pull out your intestines and hang you with it. Don't you dare think it's a joke! If I have to shave your balls and your dick until it's as thin as a pencil and as short as my shortest finger, I will!"
"That's going to be scary." He smirked. "Alright then, it's nice making business with both of you." He grinned before he ambled towards his ratty jeep.
"You know Draco, I wouldn't mind if you marry my cousin." Dudley smiled, "That way, you can continuously give me my own male gigolos to enjoy. And it wouldn't be so bad if we referred to all those rumours in school about his prowess." At this the whale-boy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Dream on, Dudley."
~~ * ~~
A/N: Chinkah! Dudley came out just like you!
II. Potter the Sucker and Dudley's bargain
"Potter?" Draco raised an eyebrow and peered at the servant boy over the tops of his Bada shades as the fine male specimen approached. "My." He paused and stared, obviously checking Harry Potter out. Not bad, not bad at all. what with him being half naked and everything. oooh, he would need a bib soon if he didn't take a hold of himself and look away. This was even better than the free peepshow in the male locker room. "You look good." He stopped himself just in time and shook his head to clear the cobwebs. "What are you doing here?"
"Duh! He's my cousin. Draco, I'm sure you've met Harry." Dudley said flatly. "He's good for nothing-except fixing my absolutely gorgeous bubblegum pink car. but other than that, he's completely useless. I mean, really, who'd want to listen to Korn or Metallica all day? Daddy says that only narcotic drug addicts do!"
"You're telling me. I've got this cousin-Yes, Nymphy-who's a big fan of Evanescence! She even dyed her hair black, now constantly lines her eyes and lips with kohl and actually had her lips pierced. Really! The things people do in honour of exalting their 'icons'." Exasperated roll of the eyes. "As if those studs decorating her nose, ears and eyebrows weren't enough as it was. She's utterly gothic and creepy." Suppression of a feigned shudder which wracked slim shoulders. "Why not listen to music made by Britney or Hillary Duff or Christina or John Mayer? Anything's better than destroying one's eardrums due to the audio sampling of whiny angsty guitar riffs. Haven't they understood the utter sophistication of immersing one's self in the diversity of music of like say. did I mention Britney. Have you seen her 'Me Against the Music' video?"
"Yes!" Dudley exclaimed. "I loved it!"
"I totally agree!" Draco contained a squeal. "It was a great candidate for hot lesbian sex but then again, I'm gay so I wouldn't think I'd be into lesbians like Britney and Madonna. being the hot blonde bombshells they are. Oh god. Madonna, she's like the ultimate diva!"
"I've got to agree with you there." Dudley nodded. "Yes, definitely- Westlife! Yes! Or Josh Groban. hotness.What else? Oh my god. Boyzone! They kick ass! Oh! Did you hear that that Stephen guy got married in Las Vegas? And. hmm. Oh my god! Avril!"
Harry sighed and cleared his throat, contemplating the merits of suicide against listening to this particularly enlightening conversation.
"You called?" he asked, shoving his hands deep into his jeans pockets as if fumbling for something. "Oh, forgot to return this." He retrieved a black pen from his trousers and held it out to Draco. "Thanks anyway."
"Suit yourself." Draco shrugged, taking the proffered writing instrument and stuffing it into his tiny backpack while depositing his poodle into Harry's unexpecting arms. "Take care of Precious now. He won't stand for being unattended to. And he absolutely wants everyone to croon- not speak, mind you-to him, just like I do. Just throw a nice comment or two every few minutes or so his way and he'll undoubtedly take to you. Don't feed him anything from the sea, he'll get allergies and if he gets thirsty, he only drinks Evian-definitely no tap water. Trot along now."
He removed his rimless sunglasses from their perch on his hair and slid them back on his nose. Turning his back on that lovely tanned body, he regarded Dudley for a moment before linking his arm through a more shall we say chubby one and proceeded to regale the plebeian house with his presence. "Dudders, you were telling me something?"
/&*&*&/
"You fag!" Draco exclaimed. "Adrian's having sex with Justin, I knew it. He's cheating on me. and this is all your fault!" Draco pouted, throwing the bright blue ball against Dudley's bright red bedroom wall. "You should fix it, give Justin herpes or something, I don't care. just keep him away from Adrian! You know I hate sharing and if it means I'll have to share Adrian then that Justin boy must be off his rocker because there is no way in hell that I'm giving Adrian up to some low-life second grade piece of scum!"
"I told you, I didn't do anything! If they're sleeping with each other, then they're responsible for that! Not sweet and innocent Dudders here!" Dudley explained carefully. "I mean, really, Draco... act more mature, don't blame everything on me!"
"Don't you Draco me!" Draco pointing an accusing finger in Dudley's direction. "If you didn't introduce him to Justin, then he wouldn't be cheating on me! I mean, it's so unfair! I'm the paradigm of loyalty and he's been cheating! I'd do anything for him! Must I be the one to decide on everything then? I mean, say. we got married or something, must I be the one to decide upon everything while he's warming his dick up someone else's arse? THAT IS SO BLEEDING UNFAIR! I AM SO FREAKIN' LOYAL AND HE'S A CHEATING SCUMBAG!"
"You redundant bitch! You've been cheating on him throughout the course of your relationship and nearly half your life! You flirt with just about anyone and you love it when someone smacks you on the arse. You're sexually addicted and you can't commit Draco. Get the facts straight, honey. You're psychologically ill darling; I learned that in medical school."
"Well. That's not cheating-that's just flirting, those are two different rationales! And like you said, I'm excused-I'm psychologically ill."
"You slept with Professor-"
"Don't remind me." Draco shuddered and mock fainted onto the edge of Dudley's pastel pink bed. "That was really bad, that man couldn't even get it up! He's impotent-but I was failing Gym class! So halfway through the act, I had to give up and just give him a lap dance. Oh, I should be martyred for both acts! And you know I hate getting sweaty and sticky, I'd rather skip it for something much more entertaining: Ballet or Orlando Bloom movies for example. Ooooh." A near orgasmic swoon. "Lord of the Rings for example or Pirates of the Caribbean-" Another post-orgasmic swoon. "Ooh. Johnny Depp-Black Hawk Down with Ewan!"
"Well. you've got a point... and a really great point at that." Dudley paused. "But what can I possibly do-I mean, really. it was his choice! I told him you wouldn't like it but he insisted that you wouldn't mind. he said you wouldn't care any less since you sleep with half of Britain's male population on a regular basis, granted, also the other half of the female population."
"He said that? That bastard! I'd never sleep with a woman! Humph!" An adorably sexy pout crossed his features. "You should fix this Dudley! Fix it!" Draco scowled. "You ruined it. You fix it!" He smacked Dudley on the arm-hard. "I want you to fix this; I don't care what happens to you, just fix it, fix it, and fix it! If you don't, I'll tattle on daddy and he can kick your father out of his job!"
Dudley frowned for a moment before he came across a bright (or so he thought.) idea. "HARRY!!!"
/&*&*&/
"Oi. you pooch!" Harry growled as he slammed the water bottle down on the ground and approached Draco's dog, Precious and his own retriever, Pimp ( between the name Brutus or Pimp in the pet shop, he'd rather have the latter). "Get your paws off my dog! He's straight and even if he was gay, he isn't into poodles- now get!"
"HARRY!!!"
He groaned as he heard Dudley's voice. He shook his head and tugged on Pimp's collar, giving him a swift kick into the general direction of the backyard. "There's no way in hell you're mating with some ugly curly effeminate poodle with an effeminate owner. god knows, I'd end up paying him for the rest of my life for tainting his precious poodle."
"Oh, Harry! Darling?"
He scowled as he felt his cousin's encompassing presence looming behind him.
"Precious!" Draco exclaimed as he pulled his petty little dog towards him. "That dog's not vaccinated and he may have tics. You can't go near him- you're Malfoy property. You can't get yourself tarnished or you'll have to go spend the rest of your life with the Lestranges or worse, with the Tonks! You wouldn't want that now, do you Precious?"
"Believe me; you wouldn't want to live with the Tonk's." Dudley remarked off-handedly. "I was once her classmate and believe me. they hang poodles on the walls and feed them potty water-the worst part is, they feed you left-over shrimps and then you'll get nasty rashes. You would then die drowning in a pool of your own drool and then they'd nail you onto a board and hang you on their rickety wall!"
The poodle cowered and tried to burrow in Draco's expensive white dress shirt. "That's more like it, Precious. listen to mummy.yes, afraid now aren't you?"
"Harry." Dudley batted his lashes innocently, as his voice hit a strangely soprano pitch (higher than what could be deemed possible.). "You're my really handsome and most favourite cousin right? The handsome- est and the most cleverest and the most favourite-est?"
Harry inwardly gagged. "As if you needed to remind me."
"You're my best cousin right?" Dudley asked sweetly. "The best among the rest? The very, very best? Right? Huh?"
"Dud! Get on with it!" Draco whined, tapping his shiny black patent loafers. "You're not getting to the point and I can't waste my time here talking to some loser! I mean, Hello? Daddy wants me home before five-we have a party at seven and mum and I scheduled for this whole body scrub in an exclusive leisure spa somewhere in Wiltshire-we're taking the chopper. besides, the masseuses are all gay males with rods the size of German Frankfurters."
"Well you'll have to wait. these things take time and special skills!" Dudley scowled the paused as if suddenly realizing Draco's last statement. "German Frankfurters? Oh god, what I wouldn't give for ten minutes with one of those, but from what I've heard my beloved cousin's got bigger." He trailed off as he became the recipient of a fear-inducing Harry Potter glare.
So, he continued with his tirade, taking note of the furtive glances Draco shot in the direction of Harry's crotch. "Harry. you're my best cousin right and we took you in when your mum and dad died and we fed you and gave you a nice cupboard to sleep in, remember? We even bought you a squirrel a few Christmases ago, right? And when I was small and you were small, I gave you my broken shiny red truck, right? And that was my very favourite."
"How could I forget?" Harry asked, fighting back a sneer. "How considerate of you for taking me in and giving me your wonderful toy truck. despite the fact that it was utterly useless and you took it back when you bought that book of yours. What was it again?" A faux look of contemplation crossed his features before settling on smug. "Right, 'The Joys of Gay Sex'."
"God! You ungrateful straight asshole!" Dudley glared at him, scandalised, his hand on his chest. "Look, I want you to accompany Draco to Trinity College. Think of this as an adventure-it's the only time you'll ever get into an expensive college. I've got a mission for you."
"Not unless if it involves having sex with whales then I don't think I'd enjoy that." Harry tried hard to suppress a grin. "But then again, it's fuck all, isn't it? If you want me to head to Trinity College to piss off some random boyfriend of yours, think again, Dudley. I'm not doing that."
"I think he just insulted you Dud." Draco smiled, "Potter, you're very clever. I'm beginning to enjoy you. Dudley, why don't you tell him that he's only to accompany me there to set up thermo-scanners around Adrian's room to check on my darling boyfriend since I can't very well have the services of an electricity person charged to my account since Daddy'll be undoubtedly suspicious of that. Don't worry, though, Potter, if you won't tell anyone about this then I won't tell anyone about this-alright?"
"I couldn't care any less if you told anyone." Harry muttered then paused, "How much are you willing to give?"
Dudley, who had been muttering something along the lines of 'what, and he won't question thermo-scanners being charged to his account?' suddenly paused in his ramblings with an aghast look painted on his features as he chastised his cousin. "What do you mean how much you ingrate? Have you no shame-"
"Fifty thousand pounds?" Draco raised an eyebrow. "That's a lot for someone like you. It will ensure a semester in Monkshood in case something happens."
"One hundred thousand." Harry shook his head. "There are two semesters in a whole school year. You miscalculated. One semester won't have me graduating. I need two semesters to move into college-and quite honestly? I also need an upgrade for my jeep."
Draco turned his head and gawked at the maroon jeep with black rims. "You honestly call that a jeep? If you want, I'll get you a new one with a stellar radio. Darling, you're speaking to Draco Lucius Malfoy, the richest kid in Monkshood. I can give you anything and anyone. That's like, three in a package: sex, money and power!"
"I'll take the money and the jeep." Harry shrugged at Dudley and shook Draco's manicured and well-moisturised hand. "I can monitor straight for a week during Spring Break except on Sunday. I have to meet one of my friends and won't be back until the following Monday at noon."
"I don't care about your liaisons and trysts! If I need you somewhere, you have to be there. You do everything I want without question. I want a job well done." Draco raised his chin contemplatively. "Alright, I think I ought to leave. Dudley, darling, you've got a wonderful and dependable cousin. If he does an extremely good job, I'll get you your own private man-whore-for your own exclusive use, at your own disposal. He'll have a dick larger than a baseball bat."
"I'd like that very much." Dudley smiled, "Can I have your cousin Roger Parcy instead?" He bat his eyelashes coquettishly. Draco shrugged his shoulders. "Alright. Harry, I will be there to make sure you do a good job or I will slit your throat and pull out your intestines and hang you with it. Don't you dare think it's a joke! If I have to shave your balls and your dick until it's as thin as a pencil and as short as my shortest finger, I will!"
"That's going to be scary." He smirked. "Alright then, it's nice making business with both of you." He grinned before he ambled towards his ratty jeep.
"You know Draco, I wouldn't mind if you marry my cousin." Dudley smiled, "That way, you can continuously give me my own male gigolos to enjoy. And it wouldn't be so bad if we referred to all those rumours in school about his prowess." At this the whale-boy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Dream on, Dudley."
~~ * ~~
A/N: Chinkah! Dudley came out just like you!