Author's Note: Hehehe...yes...I'm finally updating. Geez, it's taken me
forever, I know. I'm also going to start work on a new story sometime
soon...
~8~*~8~*~
"Let's go back," Frodo said nervously.
"Go back *where*?" Legolas asked. "Sourman is gone and we're in no danger."
Frodo, entirely out of character, leaped at Legolas and began pulling his hair out. "Will-- you--- just let me--- BEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" He yelled.
Aragorn, that sissy Ranger, got out a video camera and began filming the fight. Halfway through, Gandalf hit them both with his big magical staffy thing. "Let the ring bearer decide," he said evenly. In his gravelly voice.
"We need to go back, LEGOLAS, so we can further the plot. You do realize that just walking to the mall will totally get rid of at least 9 chapters, save Gandalf from becoming a higher power, and stop Boromir from dying?"
"Say, I've been thinking..." Sam said.
"Thinking what?" Merry asked, seven minutes later.
"Oh yeah. About my new rake." Sam said happily.
"So what?"
"Oh...yah, I thought..." Sam took his frying pan and knocked Gandalf out with it. Then he kicked him off the side of the mountain.
"Gaaaaannnnnddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllffff!" Frodo yelled.
Boromir peered into his mouth. "Frodo, I do believe your tonsils need removing. Frodo shut his mouth nervously.
"No I don't."
"Yes you do."
"Agh! My tonsils!" Frodo whimpered.
Gandalf suddenly flew back up. "Hell-o!!! I'm deeeaaad here!"
"Oh yah. Gaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaa- Say, Sam, is that real jelly?"
"Certainly, Mr. Frodo sir. I wouldn't have anything else."
"Me neither. Can I have some?"
"Does anyone have beer?" Merry interrupted.
"I made a poem about beer. Does anyone want to hear it?" Pippin chimed in.
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"Ok, then! It's really good.
Beer, beer, beer and beer.
I like my beer beer beer.
Beer is good and beer is nice
but beer does not go with spice.
I drink my beer morning noon and night
I like to drink my beer alright.
Beer is something you should not waste
because it has an excellent taste!!"
"Stop right there," Gandalf hissed. "I was just knocked off the side of a mountain with a frying pan, and not one person seems to care?"
"I was thinking you might like a beanie baby TM on your grave," Legolas said truthfully. "Would you?"
"Yes---er, no! Can't you see? I'm not really dead!"
"That's why we don't care!" Merry said happily, drinking magic beer.
"I mean, I'm dead *now.* But I'll come back later. So you should mourn me now! And Sam, why did you do it? I was so touching- so dramatic! I have real talent, and you take my glory away from me!"
"Well, I figured I could kill you now and you could come back sooner than before. I was also thinking I could buy Boromir some Kevlar, so that Uruk- Hai doesn't shoot Boromir--"
"Who cares about Boromir? At least you had a good reason for killing me, Sam. Well, I guess I'd better ascend now. Ta ta."
And then Gandalf was gone in a brilliant flash of light. Several Wargs thought it was an alien invasion, and so they bought themselves tin foil hats. By mistake, they were casted into Scooby Doo and now work on the Beverly Hillbillys. They do not like popcorn flavored Jelly beans.
Sam: "Well, we'd better get on with it. We've already wasted almost three pages with Gandalf's death and some sort of stupid beer poem."
Pippin: "Say, do you think Gandalf would like my Beer Poem on his Epitah?"
Aragorn: "Epitah? Young man-" *Boromir whispers something* "Oh, oh yah. I think Gandalf would like that a lot."
Pippin: "I'll go do that!"
Merry: "Say, can we head on over to the mines of Moria yet? I mean, this chapter is called, "The Mines of Moria," after all."
Frodo: "Alright."
So, they walked and they walked and they walked until they got to the mines of Moria. Then Gimli, who had been to a Foreign Spa and was not with the current times, asked what was going on.
Sam: "Oh, I killed Mr. Gandalf and now we're going to the Mines of Moria!"
Gimli: "The Mines of Moria?? Oh, great. Balin lives there, and he is such a freak. He just won't stop playing checkers! It's checkers this, checkers that, blah blah blah. I hate him!"
Boromir: "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Now, we still have to go into the mines, so let's just get on with it, ok?"
Gimli: "Fine."
Boromir: "Fine."
Gimli: "Fine."
Boromir: "Fine."
Frodo: "As much as I hate to break up that hilarious and fun filled argument, you guys are boring and annoying. You're just wasting our time, and I bet you're stalling so we can think of some more ways to be original and funny. Well, it won't work. I'm on to you!!!"
Legolas: "How sad." *Shoots the Watcher/octopus type thingy* "Sigh. What can I say? I have a talent."
Sam: *nastily* "Do you want that cash or check?"
Legolas: "Don't let your foolish Hobbit whims get into the way of my greatness."
Merry: "Beer is nice."
Pippin: "Sometimes, when we drink to much, we pass out and wake up in New York city. It's a very scary experience."
Aragorn: "How nice."
Frodo: *walks into the mines*
Everyone else: *follows him*
Frodo: "Well, we're in the mines. There's no stopping us now."
Gimli: "Good god! Look at all the dead dwarves!"
Frodo: "Since we're running out of food, Gimli, maybe now would be a good time to induce cannibalism."
Gimli: "Sure, kill off your little hobbit friends. I bet they taste like fried bat if we add sugar."
"Merry & Pippin (think about it)": "Sugar makes the medicine go down!
Little Bird: wee tweet weet
Aragorn: "Oh my gosh, like, it's so, like, scary in here! Can we go to the tomb and fight the cave troll already?"
*Troll appears*
Sam: *hits it with frying pan*
Troll: *grunts and falls down dead*
Sam: "Oh yeah, who da man? w00t."
Aragorn: "Amazing, simply amazing. Can we go back to our old format? I feel sort of funny."
Sam jumped up and down for a few moments and then everyone agreed that they would throw his magazine down the well to start up the drums. Sam was very sad, because he liked looking at rakes in very.rakish poses. Then the drums started, and Gimli pretended to be sad his cousin was dead. "Oh, boo hoo ha ha ha. He's gone, he's gone oh ye-I mean, oh no!"
After fighting several orcs, everyone felt tired and then Gandalf came back. "Hello, good friends, I am now Gandalf the White. No more Gandalf the Grey, I possess great magical powers." Then the Balrog came and ate him, and Frodo said "To Be continued," just because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
~8~*~8~*~
"Let's go back," Frodo said nervously.
"Go back *where*?" Legolas asked. "Sourman is gone and we're in no danger."
Frodo, entirely out of character, leaped at Legolas and began pulling his hair out. "Will-- you--- just let me--- BEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" He yelled.
Aragorn, that sissy Ranger, got out a video camera and began filming the fight. Halfway through, Gandalf hit them both with his big magical staffy thing. "Let the ring bearer decide," he said evenly. In his gravelly voice.
"We need to go back, LEGOLAS, so we can further the plot. You do realize that just walking to the mall will totally get rid of at least 9 chapters, save Gandalf from becoming a higher power, and stop Boromir from dying?"
"Say, I've been thinking..." Sam said.
"Thinking what?" Merry asked, seven minutes later.
"Oh yeah. About my new rake." Sam said happily.
"So what?"
"Oh...yah, I thought..." Sam took his frying pan and knocked Gandalf out with it. Then he kicked him off the side of the mountain.
"Gaaaaannnnnddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllffff!" Frodo yelled.
Boromir peered into his mouth. "Frodo, I do believe your tonsils need removing. Frodo shut his mouth nervously.
"No I don't."
"Yes you do."
"Agh! My tonsils!" Frodo whimpered.
Gandalf suddenly flew back up. "Hell-o!!! I'm deeeaaad here!"
"Oh yah. Gaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaa- Say, Sam, is that real jelly?"
"Certainly, Mr. Frodo sir. I wouldn't have anything else."
"Me neither. Can I have some?"
"Does anyone have beer?" Merry interrupted.
"I made a poem about beer. Does anyone want to hear it?" Pippin chimed in.
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"Ok, then! It's really good.
Beer, beer, beer and beer.
I like my beer beer beer.
Beer is good and beer is nice
but beer does not go with spice.
I drink my beer morning noon and night
I like to drink my beer alright.
Beer is something you should not waste
because it has an excellent taste!!"
"Stop right there," Gandalf hissed. "I was just knocked off the side of a mountain with a frying pan, and not one person seems to care?"
"I was thinking you might like a beanie baby TM on your grave," Legolas said truthfully. "Would you?"
"Yes---er, no! Can't you see? I'm not really dead!"
"That's why we don't care!" Merry said happily, drinking magic beer.
"I mean, I'm dead *now.* But I'll come back later. So you should mourn me now! And Sam, why did you do it? I was so touching- so dramatic! I have real talent, and you take my glory away from me!"
"Well, I figured I could kill you now and you could come back sooner than before. I was also thinking I could buy Boromir some Kevlar, so that Uruk- Hai doesn't shoot Boromir--"
"Who cares about Boromir? At least you had a good reason for killing me, Sam. Well, I guess I'd better ascend now. Ta ta."
And then Gandalf was gone in a brilliant flash of light. Several Wargs thought it was an alien invasion, and so they bought themselves tin foil hats. By mistake, they were casted into Scooby Doo and now work on the Beverly Hillbillys. They do not like popcorn flavored Jelly beans.
Sam: "Well, we'd better get on with it. We've already wasted almost three pages with Gandalf's death and some sort of stupid beer poem."
Pippin: "Say, do you think Gandalf would like my Beer Poem on his Epitah?"
Aragorn: "Epitah? Young man-" *Boromir whispers something* "Oh, oh yah. I think Gandalf would like that a lot."
Pippin: "I'll go do that!"
Merry: "Say, can we head on over to the mines of Moria yet? I mean, this chapter is called, "The Mines of Moria," after all."
Frodo: "Alright."
So, they walked and they walked and they walked until they got to the mines of Moria. Then Gimli, who had been to a Foreign Spa and was not with the current times, asked what was going on.
Sam: "Oh, I killed Mr. Gandalf and now we're going to the Mines of Moria!"
Gimli: "The Mines of Moria?? Oh, great. Balin lives there, and he is such a freak. He just won't stop playing checkers! It's checkers this, checkers that, blah blah blah. I hate him!"
Boromir: "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Now, we still have to go into the mines, so let's just get on with it, ok?"
Gimli: "Fine."
Boromir: "Fine."
Gimli: "Fine."
Boromir: "Fine."
Frodo: "As much as I hate to break up that hilarious and fun filled argument, you guys are boring and annoying. You're just wasting our time, and I bet you're stalling so we can think of some more ways to be original and funny. Well, it won't work. I'm on to you!!!"
Legolas: "How sad." *Shoots the Watcher/octopus type thingy* "Sigh. What can I say? I have a talent."
Sam: *nastily* "Do you want that cash or check?"
Legolas: "Don't let your foolish Hobbit whims get into the way of my greatness."
Merry: "Beer is nice."
Pippin: "Sometimes, when we drink to much, we pass out and wake up in New York city. It's a very scary experience."
Aragorn: "How nice."
Frodo: *walks into the mines*
Everyone else: *follows him*
Frodo: "Well, we're in the mines. There's no stopping us now."
Gimli: "Good god! Look at all the dead dwarves!"
Frodo: "Since we're running out of food, Gimli, maybe now would be a good time to induce cannibalism."
Gimli: "Sure, kill off your little hobbit friends. I bet they taste like fried bat if we add sugar."
"Merry & Pippin (think about it)": "Sugar makes the medicine go down!
Little Bird: wee tweet weet
Aragorn: "Oh my gosh, like, it's so, like, scary in here! Can we go to the tomb and fight the cave troll already?"
*Troll appears*
Sam: *hits it with frying pan*
Troll: *grunts and falls down dead*
Sam: "Oh yeah, who da man? w00t."
Aragorn: "Amazing, simply amazing. Can we go back to our old format? I feel sort of funny."
Sam jumped up and down for a few moments and then everyone agreed that they would throw his magazine down the well to start up the drums. Sam was very sad, because he liked looking at rakes in very.rakish poses. Then the drums started, and Gimli pretended to be sad his cousin was dead. "Oh, boo hoo ha ha ha. He's gone, he's gone oh ye-I mean, oh no!"
After fighting several orcs, everyone felt tired and then Gandalf came back. "Hello, good friends, I am now Gandalf the White. No more Gandalf the Grey, I possess great magical powers." Then the Balrog came and ate him, and Frodo said "To Be continued," just because it seemed like a good idea at the time.