I've never... I couldn't... be feeling this way... for him...
He doesn't feel the same way. He can't. He can't feel a thing.
And his name resounds in my mind.
Seeing him bent over his work, making himself into a god- I can only think of how it would feel if those precise, intelligent fingers would touch my skin, and if those never smiling lips would kiss mine.
I would be his and his alone. His to touch, his to own, his to taste.
I hate that I can't get him out of my head, but I'm not sure why I would want something so beautiful gone from my mind.
I lose myself in fantasies, every single one of them in vain. Thinking of how I want to be, ignoring the way it is. He would look at me and say in his patented analytical asshole style and say, "You're disgusting, Hitchcock."
I don't know how I bare it sometimes. I just want to yell and scream until he loves me. I'd be yelling into forever, but it would be worth it if he would just do something to make me think he at least kind of cares.
And I'm here, in his bedroom doorway, asking him for love advice. At three-thirteen a.m.
~I am completely without defenses
These bones will stain and curl like lace
Summoning the angels of escape
(hear me... hear me)~
Watch. Wait. He has to have a reaction. An answer.
His eyes remain blank. They reflect materials but show no emotions. Or 'waves of adrenaline,' or whatever intellectual crap he's talking about now. Love isn't real, it's a battlefield, a many splendid thing, yada yada yada. His words make my heart race and stop all at once.
Harsh words tumble from those same, soft lips.
"Damn it Christopher! Just because Etain chose some old short guy instead of you, doesn't mean everyone else is going to! Stop being an immature idiot and go tell whoever it is and leave me alone!"
Jalil... You can't say that. You don't know.
"Jalil, I asked you for hypothetical advice, not a bitch-fest. This has nothing to do with Etain. Fuck Etain. I don't care. Not about her."
"Really? Then what the fuck are you doing in my room, in the middle of the night?"
"I-I..."
~Someone wake me from this dream
Someone see me sinking
Here I am
Here I am calling out
Someone hear me
Save me~
He looks at me, perplexed. He pops the knuckles of his hands.
Long, elegant, beautiful hands. Delicate-looking, but poised with such self-assurance, you can feel their strength.
He sees me staring.
"Christopher," he says slowly, as if I'm insane.
I look at him. My gorgeous god-like boy.
"Why did you come here, Christopher?" He asks quietly.
My heart stops.
~My saints are bleeding
My gods are callous
These tangled prayers will plummet wingless
(hear me... hear me)~
"I wanted to see you," I murmur, more to my chest, as I can't look into his eyes.
"To see me? It has to be after three a.m."
"I know," bowing my head more, heat flushing my cheeks.
"Christopher," he sighs wearily.
I look up, suddenly afraid I'll miss my chance.
"Jalil-I! I love you."
~Someone wake me from this dream
Someone see me sinking
Here I am
Here I am calling out
Someone hear me
Save me~
I feel my heart slip down to the pit of my stomach.
Those deep eyes are pouring into my soul. I'm Alice and he's the Queen of Hearts- or at least of mine- and he's about to shout, "Off with his head!"
"What are you- Christopher, you can't-" he fumbles, lost for words.
"I- I'm sorry. I had to tell you. Please," my voice weak and catching.
"Christopher," he barely speaks.
My eyes are stinging, my body trembles. I don't want to cry and look worse to him than I already do.
"Christopher, are you serious?"
I look up, startled, confused. Where were the angry, degrading comments? Why wasn't he hitting me?
"Jalil," I mouthed. Why would I joke about this? Look at me, I can't. "I'm serious. Please believe me, Jalil."
An odd sort of look passes across his face, and he moves towards me. He raises his hand to my face, and I brace myself for the blow.
I shiver as soft skin brushes my face.
"I believe you, Christopher."
And then he pulls me into his arms, stronger than I thought and so very nice. And his lips descend down onto mine, and I'm lost completely into him.
~Here I am~
*********
A/N: Wow. That was awful. The song used was Space Team Electra's "Saints are Bleeding." This is all for Kay's "Save the Fandom!" campaign. I'm afraid of ff.net, so… support the fandom! Now! Or… I'll shake my fist at you threateningly! BWA!
Thank you for making it through this. It was, as always, for Kay.
~Mi~