She broke every speed limit on the way to the hospital.
Having rushed to get there, Sara found herself standing outside Catherine's room, unable to face her. After about a minute of just looking at Catherine through the glass in the door, she steeled herself and pushed it open. "Hey."
"Hey."
"You look pretty bad. You in a lot of pain?"
"Not really, they got me doped up with so many pain killers."
Unable to hold it in any longer, Sara burst out, "Why did you do it Cath? You told me you turned him down. We're not desperate for the money, so I can only assume you did it because you wanted to-"
"Sara-" Catherine tried to cut in, but Sara continued, hardly drawing a breath.
"Why, Cath? That's what I really want to know. Is life with me so boring that you need to take your clothes off for a bunch of sad old men to get a thrill? What am I not giving you that they are?"
Catherine tried to interrupt again, and was successful this time as Sara's eyes filled with tears and she sat down on the chair near the foot of the bed, trying to get her emotions under control. "Sara, you give me everything that I need, or want. I should have told you, I should have and I didn't and." She paused and blinked back her own tears. "I didn't want to dance again, I had to." She paused for a breath and Sara jumped in.
"If you needed the money for something, you could have just asked me, I mean, I know I haven't got that much, but I'd have found it somehow. You knew how it would make me feel to know you were dancing again, obviously you knew or you wouldn't have hidden it. All of those men have seen you on stage in next to nothing, all of them thinking what it would be like to fuck you, then going to the toilets and jerking off imagining it's you. Are my feelings worth so little to you that you'd-"
"Sara! Will you shut up and listen to me!" Surprised at the force behind Catherine's words, she did. "It wasn't about the money." Sara looked incredulous. Catherine ignored her expression and continued. "Eddie knew about us, I don't know how. I guess Lynds told him. Please don't be mad with her, it wasn't her fault."
"I would never blame Lyndsey. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt you."
"Or you, either."
For the first time, Catherine felt the hostility in the room drop a little. Sara's love for Lyndsey was something she knew she could always count on, even if after this, Sara no longer loved her.
She plunged headlong into an explanation, wanting, needing Sara to understand even if afterwards she walked out of her life for ever. She included all her reasoning and how much it had hurt her to lie, feeling so relieved to finally be able to say the words out loud.
Sara sat quietly throughout the whole thing, no emotion on her face as the torrent of words flowed, just listening. Her stoic expression scared Catherine. Even when Catherine had finished, she still sat without speaking, processing the information.
"Sara?"
"I'm so sorry." Sara's expression softened and the tears were back in her eyes. "I shouldn't have assumed, and I shouldn't have shouted at you anyway when you're in this state. I mean, look at you." Sara paused and put her head in her hands. "I just hated the idea that you valued me so little."
"But, Sara-"
"I know. You did this for us, didn't you? It was just my insecurities getting the better of me. Again." She gave Catherine a watery smile. Her face darkened. "I was so scared, you know. When they told me you'd been attacked. I thought maybe." She trailed off and swallowed. "And then we found out how close it was. If that guy hadn't chased him off." She stopped again. Catherine patted the bed, and as soon as Sara had moved she pulled her into an embrace. She knew how difficult it must have been for Sara to admit her fears. To tell the truth, it had scared Catherine more than anything else ever had. As soon as she had woken up enough to remember what happened, her world had seemed to crumble. She had spent ten minutes alone trying not to think about it, trying to convince herself it was not real. Trying to blank her mind against the image of long fingers on a belt buckle Then the nurse outside had noticed she was awake. She cried with relief when she was told her assailant had been chased off. Not normally a religious person, she had nonetheless found herself muttering several prayers of thanks.
They pulled apart to look at each other. Sara brushed an errant strand of hair off Catherine's face, running her fingers lightly over the bruising on her cheek. "You still should have told me, you know," she said softly.
"I know."
"You take too much on yourself. You don't have to try and protect everyone else. It must be something to do with being a mother. But I'm a big girl. We might have been able to figure out a way out of it together. Even if Grissom found out, I could have got another job. You didn't have to dance to keep the secret."
"It's exactly because you feel like that that I couldn't tell you. You can't give up being a CSI, and Ecklie wouldn't have hired anyone from Grissom's team. It wasn't that I don't trust you or anything, I just knew one of us would have to do something we wouldn't want to do to stop Eddie and Mark. I did not want it to be you."
Sara leaned forwards and kissed Catherine tenderly, mindful of her bruises. "And that's one of the reasons I love you."
Having rushed to get there, Sara found herself standing outside Catherine's room, unable to face her. After about a minute of just looking at Catherine through the glass in the door, she steeled herself and pushed it open. "Hey."
"Hey."
"You look pretty bad. You in a lot of pain?"
"Not really, they got me doped up with so many pain killers."
Unable to hold it in any longer, Sara burst out, "Why did you do it Cath? You told me you turned him down. We're not desperate for the money, so I can only assume you did it because you wanted to-"
"Sara-" Catherine tried to cut in, but Sara continued, hardly drawing a breath.
"Why, Cath? That's what I really want to know. Is life with me so boring that you need to take your clothes off for a bunch of sad old men to get a thrill? What am I not giving you that they are?"
Catherine tried to interrupt again, and was successful this time as Sara's eyes filled with tears and she sat down on the chair near the foot of the bed, trying to get her emotions under control. "Sara, you give me everything that I need, or want. I should have told you, I should have and I didn't and." She paused and blinked back her own tears. "I didn't want to dance again, I had to." She paused for a breath and Sara jumped in.
"If you needed the money for something, you could have just asked me, I mean, I know I haven't got that much, but I'd have found it somehow. You knew how it would make me feel to know you were dancing again, obviously you knew or you wouldn't have hidden it. All of those men have seen you on stage in next to nothing, all of them thinking what it would be like to fuck you, then going to the toilets and jerking off imagining it's you. Are my feelings worth so little to you that you'd-"
"Sara! Will you shut up and listen to me!" Surprised at the force behind Catherine's words, she did. "It wasn't about the money." Sara looked incredulous. Catherine ignored her expression and continued. "Eddie knew about us, I don't know how. I guess Lynds told him. Please don't be mad with her, it wasn't her fault."
"I would never blame Lyndsey. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt you."
"Or you, either."
For the first time, Catherine felt the hostility in the room drop a little. Sara's love for Lyndsey was something she knew she could always count on, even if after this, Sara no longer loved her.
She plunged headlong into an explanation, wanting, needing Sara to understand even if afterwards she walked out of her life for ever. She included all her reasoning and how much it had hurt her to lie, feeling so relieved to finally be able to say the words out loud.
Sara sat quietly throughout the whole thing, no emotion on her face as the torrent of words flowed, just listening. Her stoic expression scared Catherine. Even when Catherine had finished, she still sat without speaking, processing the information.
"Sara?"
"I'm so sorry." Sara's expression softened and the tears were back in her eyes. "I shouldn't have assumed, and I shouldn't have shouted at you anyway when you're in this state. I mean, look at you." Sara paused and put her head in her hands. "I just hated the idea that you valued me so little."
"But, Sara-"
"I know. You did this for us, didn't you? It was just my insecurities getting the better of me. Again." She gave Catherine a watery smile. Her face darkened. "I was so scared, you know. When they told me you'd been attacked. I thought maybe." She trailed off and swallowed. "And then we found out how close it was. If that guy hadn't chased him off." She stopped again. Catherine patted the bed, and as soon as Sara had moved she pulled her into an embrace. She knew how difficult it must have been for Sara to admit her fears. To tell the truth, it had scared Catherine more than anything else ever had. As soon as she had woken up enough to remember what happened, her world had seemed to crumble. She had spent ten minutes alone trying not to think about it, trying to convince herself it was not real. Trying to blank her mind against the image of long fingers on a belt buckle Then the nurse outside had noticed she was awake. She cried with relief when she was told her assailant had been chased off. Not normally a religious person, she had nonetheless found herself muttering several prayers of thanks.
They pulled apart to look at each other. Sara brushed an errant strand of hair off Catherine's face, running her fingers lightly over the bruising on her cheek. "You still should have told me, you know," she said softly.
"I know."
"You take too much on yourself. You don't have to try and protect everyone else. It must be something to do with being a mother. But I'm a big girl. We might have been able to figure out a way out of it together. Even if Grissom found out, I could have got another job. You didn't have to dance to keep the secret."
"It's exactly because you feel like that that I couldn't tell you. You can't give up being a CSI, and Ecklie wouldn't have hired anyone from Grissom's team. It wasn't that I don't trust you or anything, I just knew one of us would have to do something we wouldn't want to do to stop Eddie and Mark. I did not want it to be you."
Sara leaned forwards and kissed Catherine tenderly, mindful of her bruises. "And that's one of the reasons I love you."