Jack was gone for about fifteen minutes. When he returned Sydney turned on
the bedside lamp. She leaned on her elbow and asked if he was feeling all
right and if she could get him anything to eat.
He sat on the side of her bed and assured her that he was fine, but having something to eat was probably not a good idea at the moment. Then he apologized for how he acted earlier. "I'm sorry I lost control," he told her.
"Dad, you're entitled to lose control, once in awhile. You are human, just like the rest of us," she reminded him.
Then leaning forward, with his arms resting on his legs, he said, "I didn't mean to hurt him like that."
"Dad, I don't think you did anything that can't be fixed. I agree with Aunt Sara, we can work things out in the morning," she told him.
When Jack smiled at her, Sydney asked him what he was smiling about.
"You're sanguinity has always reminded me of Sean. No matter how bad things got, he always found something good to say."
"You really admired him, didn't you?"
"I did," he confirmed for her. "He was my hero long before he won a medal. I wish you could have known him."
"So do I," she said with sincerity.
Sydney sat up and leaned against the headboard of the bed, as she listened to Jack share memories of Sean. It wasn't so much what he was talking about that held her attention as it was the way in which he spoke of his brother. She never encountered anyone that her father held in such high esteem. She wondered how much of it was memories of a lonely man who missed his brother and how much of it was fact.
"When he came back from Nam, he was going to take me to Cape Canaveral, so we could watch one the rockets blast off."
"Aunt Sara told me you wanted to be an astronaut."
Jack blushed slightly with embarrassment. "Yea, there was a time when I wanted to be the first man on the moon."
As they continued to talk she found out that Jack has never been to Florida to see a blast off, but he has seen the space shuttle land at Edwards Air Force Base, a few times. "You can see the shuttle approaching from miles away. It's such a beautiful sight." Then hesitantly, he asked her, "Would you like to go there some time?"
"With you?" she asked.
He shrugged his shoulders in a yes jester and said, "I know the base commander. We can get right down onto the landing strip."
She smiled and told him that she would very much like to do that with him one day.
Jack looked around the dimly lit room and told Sydney that except for the shade of blue on the wall and the covers on the bed, the room hadn't changed in the last 40 years.
Sydney knew that Jack was recalling painful memories, but she also knew that he wanted to talk to her, so she encouraged him to continue. He told her about being brought over during the middle of the night when his mother 'wasn't feeling good.'
"I always felt safe here, except..."
When he didn't finish, Sydney finished for him, "Except you would have preferred being in your own bed, with your own family?"
"Yes," he said and then added, "Sydney, I'm sorry." He knew that she was able to finish his thought because she experienced the same loneliness herself.
"Dad, don't," This wasn't about making him feel any more guilt about how he lived his life.
He didn't stop. He had to try and apologize to her, yet again. "I don't know why you don't hate me, Sydney. I hated my childhood, but I subjected you to the same isolation. The only difference is that the people who took me in, were family."
"Dad, that's all the in past. The only thing I care about is our relationship now and in the future. I don't want to lose you again," she said to him.
He laid his hand on her leg and told her, "I promise Sydney, you won't ever lose me."
Then he thought about what his father had said earlier, when they were at the bar, "I know to have your child's love and respect is all that a man needs to know his life wasn't a waste."
Hesitantly, he asked her, "Sydney, do you respect me?"
"Of course I do, you're the best agent I've ever meet." Then she started to list all the things he's done, as an agent, that she respected and admired about him.
He was glad that she respected his work but that wasn't the respect that he was looking for. He started to ask her if she respected him as a person, but decided against it. Of course she would say yes, but he would never be sure she meant it or if she was just being polite.
"Thank you," he replied when she was done listing his CIA attributes. Then he told her, "It's late, we should get back to sleep."
"Dad," she said leaning forward and taking his right hand in both of hers, I also respect you as a person. I know you're an honorable man and I know all that you do to protect me." Squeezing his hand she said, "I think about what you tired to do for Danny and me. I know that if you would have succeeded, that you would be dead today."
Squeezing her hands in return, he told her, "Sydney, all I've ever wanted is for you to be safe and happy."
"I know Dad, and I love and respect you for that."
"Thank you, you don't know what it means for me to hear you say that." He pulled his hand away and looking away from her, he said, "I don't deserve it, but thank you."
Sydney laid back and yawned, "Dad, you have to stop that. You act as though you're not entitled to be happy..."
He interrupted her before she had a chance to say anything else, "It's late," he told her. "You should go back to sleep."
She really was tired, so she slid down in the bed. As she did Jack smoothed out her covers and tucked the bottom of the sheet under the mattress. "Goodnight," he told her.
As she drifted off to sleep, she mumbled good night back to him.
He sat on the side of her bed and assured her that he was fine, but having something to eat was probably not a good idea at the moment. Then he apologized for how he acted earlier. "I'm sorry I lost control," he told her.
"Dad, you're entitled to lose control, once in awhile. You are human, just like the rest of us," she reminded him.
Then leaning forward, with his arms resting on his legs, he said, "I didn't mean to hurt him like that."
"Dad, I don't think you did anything that can't be fixed. I agree with Aunt Sara, we can work things out in the morning," she told him.
When Jack smiled at her, Sydney asked him what he was smiling about.
"You're sanguinity has always reminded me of Sean. No matter how bad things got, he always found something good to say."
"You really admired him, didn't you?"
"I did," he confirmed for her. "He was my hero long before he won a medal. I wish you could have known him."
"So do I," she said with sincerity.
Sydney sat up and leaned against the headboard of the bed, as she listened to Jack share memories of Sean. It wasn't so much what he was talking about that held her attention as it was the way in which he spoke of his brother. She never encountered anyone that her father held in such high esteem. She wondered how much of it was memories of a lonely man who missed his brother and how much of it was fact.
"When he came back from Nam, he was going to take me to Cape Canaveral, so we could watch one the rockets blast off."
"Aunt Sara told me you wanted to be an astronaut."
Jack blushed slightly with embarrassment. "Yea, there was a time when I wanted to be the first man on the moon."
As they continued to talk she found out that Jack has never been to Florida to see a blast off, but he has seen the space shuttle land at Edwards Air Force Base, a few times. "You can see the shuttle approaching from miles away. It's such a beautiful sight." Then hesitantly, he asked her, "Would you like to go there some time?"
"With you?" she asked.
He shrugged his shoulders in a yes jester and said, "I know the base commander. We can get right down onto the landing strip."
She smiled and told him that she would very much like to do that with him one day.
Jack looked around the dimly lit room and told Sydney that except for the shade of blue on the wall and the covers on the bed, the room hadn't changed in the last 40 years.
Sydney knew that Jack was recalling painful memories, but she also knew that he wanted to talk to her, so she encouraged him to continue. He told her about being brought over during the middle of the night when his mother 'wasn't feeling good.'
"I always felt safe here, except..."
When he didn't finish, Sydney finished for him, "Except you would have preferred being in your own bed, with your own family?"
"Yes," he said and then added, "Sydney, I'm sorry." He knew that she was able to finish his thought because she experienced the same loneliness herself.
"Dad, don't," This wasn't about making him feel any more guilt about how he lived his life.
He didn't stop. He had to try and apologize to her, yet again. "I don't know why you don't hate me, Sydney. I hated my childhood, but I subjected you to the same isolation. The only difference is that the people who took me in, were family."
"Dad, that's all the in past. The only thing I care about is our relationship now and in the future. I don't want to lose you again," she said to him.
He laid his hand on her leg and told her, "I promise Sydney, you won't ever lose me."
Then he thought about what his father had said earlier, when they were at the bar, "I know to have your child's love and respect is all that a man needs to know his life wasn't a waste."
Hesitantly, he asked her, "Sydney, do you respect me?"
"Of course I do, you're the best agent I've ever meet." Then she started to list all the things he's done, as an agent, that she respected and admired about him.
He was glad that she respected his work but that wasn't the respect that he was looking for. He started to ask her if she respected him as a person, but decided against it. Of course she would say yes, but he would never be sure she meant it or if she was just being polite.
"Thank you," he replied when she was done listing his CIA attributes. Then he told her, "It's late, we should get back to sleep."
"Dad," she said leaning forward and taking his right hand in both of hers, I also respect you as a person. I know you're an honorable man and I know all that you do to protect me." Squeezing his hand she said, "I think about what you tired to do for Danny and me. I know that if you would have succeeded, that you would be dead today."
Squeezing her hands in return, he told her, "Sydney, all I've ever wanted is for you to be safe and happy."
"I know Dad, and I love and respect you for that."
"Thank you, you don't know what it means for me to hear you say that." He pulled his hand away and looking away from her, he said, "I don't deserve it, but thank you."
Sydney laid back and yawned, "Dad, you have to stop that. You act as though you're not entitled to be happy..."
He interrupted her before she had a chance to say anything else, "It's late," he told her. "You should go back to sleep."
She really was tired, so she slid down in the bed. As she did Jack smoothed out her covers and tucked the bottom of the sheet under the mattress. "Goodnight," he told her.
As she drifted off to sleep, she mumbled good night back to him.