The Twelve Days of Christmas
By deemarie
Chapter 8. New Year's Eve
Jane was ill. She had pushed Snape too far. They spent hours in his office. Jane wouldn't leave. Even when she felt so ill that she was likely to pass out, she had stayed. She remembered more and more.
They began with Ginny's memories of the chamber, always focusing on Riddle. They would lead to Riddle and Jane on their quest. It was finally the memory of disposing of Jane's unborn child when Snape finally drew the line. Jane had emerged from that memory sobbing uncontrollably. Great wracking sobs that shook her to the very core. When he had found there was no way to calm her, he summoned Madame Pomfrey.
Jane's head was splitting with pain, and she gratefully accepted the headache remedy, hoping for dreamless sleep. Her hope was not in vain. Jane slept through the night, nothing disturbing her. But it was morning now. She was sore. Every muscle in her body ached from the tensions of the previous day. Her stomach roiled. She sat up intending to get to the bathroom but when she sat up, it was too much. She leaned over the side of the bed grabbing the wastebasket just in time.
She felt a little better after that. She hoped Harry hadn't heard her. There was no sound approaching her room. Gingerly, Jane rose from the bed. Her legs were shaking; she was barely able to stand. The movement set her headache off again. It was blinding her. She groped her way to the door. She needed to get help. Turning the doorknob was excruciating. Her nerve endings were on fire. She got the door open and stumbled into the common room. She reached for the back of a chair nearest her, but missed her purchase. Jane fell to her knees. The movement had set her stomach off again. Dry heaves wracked her body. Gasping for air, she crumpled the rest of the way to the floor.
The sound of Jane retching in the common room brought Harry awake. He jumped out of bed and opened his door to see Jane lying in the middle of the common room. He picked her up. She was burning with fever. Harry put her back to bed, grabbed his dressing gown and ran to the infirmary.
Madame Pomfrey was giving Remus more of her restorative when Harry burst into the infirmary.
"Madame Pomfrey, come quickly, it's Jane! She's ill, burning up!" Harry had reached Remus' bed and gripped the footboard tightly, his breathing coming in gasps.
"I was afraid of this." The matron went swiftly to her office. Harry, still gasping for air, looked at Remus. Neither spoke. Each saw the pain in the other's eyes. Remus threw back the covers on his bed and got up. He threw on his robe.
"Take me to her, Harry." Harry came around the bed and put his shoulder under Remus' arm. Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office, bag of potions in hand. She looked as if she were about to scream for Remus to get back in bed. Seeing the grim but determined looks on both of their faces quickly changed her mind.
"Take it slowly, Remus. I don't relish the idea of you suffering a relapse." She hurried off leaving the two of them behind.
The walk to Griffindor tower was painful, and not just physically. Harry heard the soft grunts of pain Remus tried to suppress as they walked. Guilt filled him. If only he had kept his heart under control. He should never have let his body betray him like that. Sure he was lonely, desperately so. But he shouldn't have given in to his desires.
Remus loathed his weakness. He had forced Jane to do this. He was familiar enough with Legilimency to know its effects, especially with the state Jane was in. If he had let his mind rule his heart, he would have realized Jane would never betray him. That was Ginny not Jane who had made love with Harry. Harry would have never done that otherwise. He had been right, Harry and Ginny were fated for each other. If the situation had been reversed, Remus knew he would have done the same. Love isn't logical, it can't follow rules.
"Harry I..."
"Remus, please..."
They came to a halt in the hall.
"Remus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been with her. I never meant to hurt you or her."
"Harry don't apologize. That was Ginny. You needed her, she needed you. I was in no fit state of mind. I've never been in love before. I don't know how to trust, that way. I was foolish, so I took the coward's way out. I needed to rid myself of the pain."
"No, Remus, I..."
"Harry, listen to me. This has been coming on for a long time now." Harry stared at Remus, not believing what he was hearing. "I've thought about it for years. After James and Lily died, when I thought Sirius had betrayed them and killed Peter, I thought about it. They were all gone. My parents had died years before. They were the only family I had left. No one would miss me. There was no one who cared. No one but Albus Dumbledore.
"We never actually talked about it. But he sensed how deeply depressed I was. All those years, before I came here to teach you, Albus had me roaming about Europe looking for Voldemort. It gave me a purpose. A reason to go on. I lived for revenge.
"Then came word that you needed me. So I came at Dumbledore's request. How like your father you looked, how like you mother you were. You were the best of both of them, Harry. And I needed to protect you. But not for the reason we all thought." They had begun walking again.
"Sirius was restored to me. I wasn't alone anymore. Those two years we spent together were glorious. My bother was returned to me. James and Lily's son was my friend, a kind of nephew. I had a family once more.
"I know how you felt when Sirius died. And I almost slipped beck into depression again. But you needed me, Harry. I took over Sirius' duties to you and again, I had purpose. The order, the Weasley's all became like family to me. You were growing up, becoming a man. You were ready to be on your own. I was proud of you, but soon you would move on. Ginny became your life. It was time for me to step back. When I did that, the old feelings began to emerge. I never let you see them. You were too happy. I was determined to exit slowly, disappear quietly, end it all."
"Remus, I would never have let you go."
"I know that now, Harry. But then? I wasn't thinking clearly. Then Ginny disappeared. You needed me again. How could I leave you? My son. The son I would never have otherwise. Whatever you would need, I would be there for you.
"Kingsley had kept the search going. Not on a grand scale. But he checked every rumor; any trace of Ginny was investigated. He sent me to Mexico when someone in the Muggle ministry had forwarded information about a British woman fitting the description of Ginny that had been in Mexico City. It was the barest of information, but I had a feeling.
"I could make you happy again, Harry. I could repay the Weasley's for their kindness, acceptance and love. I had no idea things would turn out the way they did.
"I love Jane because she's like me. Alone, different, not fitting in precisely. Kindred spirits. I've never loved a woman as I love Jane. There was the chance she could accept me for what I am. I have never given that part of my heart away, Harry. Not to James or Sirius or you either. It tore me apart when I saw you. The old fears and depression returned with a vengeance. I wanted to hurt you, hurt you both the way I hurt."
They had reached the common room.
"I should have listened to Jane. I should have trusted her. Of all the people who could have made me see the truth, it had to be Severus.
"I'm sorry, Harry."
"Remus, I - I don't know what to say."
"There's noting for you to say, Harry. I just wanted you to know this. I know I won't have Jane. It is her fate to move on. She doesn't belong here. I will miss her, but if her dying..." Remus' voice broke. "If her dying brings Ginny back to you, that will be enough. I won't leave. I know there will always be a place for me in both your lives."
They sat silently on the couch before the fire, each adrift in the sea of their own thoughts. Madame Pomfrey came out of Jane's dormitory. Harry stood, Remus looked up.
"If you two aren't the sorriest looking pair!" she said in exasperation. "Miss Weasley will be fine. It's merely the residual effects of prolonged exposure to the spell. Her fever is gone. She's sleeping. Give her time to rest. And if Severus wants her, she is NOT to go." She turned to leave. "Honestly, the way serious magic is used so casually around here. If I wasn't needed so badly, I'd leave!" Before she left, she turned to Remus. "I'll have some clothes and your medicine sent here. I know you won't leave until she's well. But you are not to go roaming about."
"I'll give him my room," Harry said. "I can take the couch."
"See that he rests, Potter," then she left.
Harry made sure Remus was comfortably situated in his dorm. Then he went to breakfast. There was a lot for him to think about today. But he wasn't ready to do that just yet. He still had to finish reading Dr. Gresham's book, and he needed to write to the Weasley's. When he thought about it, he was amazed that Ron and Hermione hadn't been pestering him with owls. He'd left Hedwig behind with the Weasley's, Errol having finally been retired. They still hadn't replaced him. He had served them faithfully for many years, and they probably felt a little funny to bring a new owl into their home. Replacing a faithful familiar was probably a difficult business. He couldn't begin to think of how he would replace Hedwig.
With his book beside his plate, he simply refused to prop it against the jug of pumpkin juice, too much like Hermione, he read more of Gresham's work. Aside from a few good mornings from the students, no one really bothered him. He chatted a bit with Ken and Alex and then went back to the book.
She was just a few yards away. Out one door and in another. Should he? Remus was exhausted, despite the restorative; his walk to the tower, his exposing his feelings to Harry had taken so much out of him. He closed his eyes he needed to sleep. Visions of Jane ran through his mind. He could see her smiling, laughing. A surge of emotion filled his heart. Pictures of her looking at him with passion from the night they had almost shared love. A tear leaked from his eye when he thought of what he would never have. Jane didn't belong here, much as he wanted her to stay, she didn't belong here. Ginny did and Ginny should be with Harry. He fell asleep dreaming of what might have been.
Jane tentatively got out of bed. Her headache was gone. She was still sore, but at least the excruciating nerve pain was gone. A little unsteady on her feet, she reached for her robe and put it on. She needed to get to the bathroom. Harry stuck his head in her door.
"Jane, are you okay? Should you be out of bed?"
"I'm fine, Harry. I just need - need to..." she nodded to the bathroom. Harry blushed, his mouth an O of surprise, he shut the door behind him.
Harry went back to the table and finished the letter he was writing. He had written one letter to the Weasley's assuring them they were okay. Without giving details he had told them they were closer to bringing Ginny back, but he wasn't sure how long it would take. He told them to be patient and he would write again soon. Now all he needed to do was finish this one to Ron. He had given Ron almost all the details; nothing about what happened the other night or why Remus has attempted suicide.
Don't tell Hermione everything. She's too close to delivery.
You know how she'll get. She may even try to come here. We
don't want her to risk that.
I'll write as soon as I can. After reading Dr. Gresham's
book, I feel sure he can help. I hope he accepts Snape's
proposal. If he doesn't, I plan on going to see him
myself. I know I can convince him to help.
Give my love to 'Mione.
Harry
He finished sealing the letters when Jane came out.
"You should be in bed."
"I know. I just wanted to ask if you've been able to see Remus."
"Yes, he's fine."
"Is he? Snape said he would talk to him. I wish I could go to him."
"You can."
"No, I'm too tired. The infirmary is too far."
"Jane, he's in my dorm."
"He's here?" Harry nodded. Jane's eyes went to the door.
"Look, I have to send these letters off and then I'm going to see Snape." He paused. "I'll stay away until dinner. Do you think that's enough time?" Jane went over to Harry and gently stroked his face. She knew what this was costing him.
"Ginny was the luckiest girl alive, Harry. You are a wonderful man. I wish I could stay to find out how things will turn out. I wish you luck and love." Harry took Jane's hand and kissed her palm.
"I'll find happiness again. Take yours now while you can. If it's any consolation, if I never knew Ginny then it would have been you." Then he was gone. She would miss him, she knew that.
"If it weren't for Remus," she whispered. She took a deep breath and went to Remus. He was still asleep. She wouldn't wake him. So she pulled a chair next to the bed and waited.
Remus' eyes slowly blinked open. Jane. Sitting next to him. Smiling. He smiled back. He pushed himself to a sitting position.
"I'm sorry, Jane."
"I love you, Remus." He looked into her eyes. It was there for him to see. Forgiveness, asking to be forgiven, love. His heart nearly burst.
"I love you, too." There was a sadness about them. As if they had begun to grieve for each other. Jane's eyes brimmed with tears. One glided gently down her cheek. Remus reached to wipe it away. His hand lingered. He brushed his thumb along her bottom lip. She closed her eyes as the sensation sent a shiver down her spine. Then his lips brushed hers and she was lost. Her hands came around his neck as she moved to the bed. He was stroking her back making her tremble with need. His tongue sought entrance and she granted it, willingly, with her whole heart.
He eased her dressing gown off her shoulder as his lips caressed her ear, then her neck. She moaned with pleasure as his tongue explored the place where her neck met her shoulder. He used his teeth to push the gown strap away and then kissed her white soft flesh. He backed off looking at the expanse of skin he had exposed. The gown still covered most of her breast. He leaned down and licked her skin drawing goose flesh from her.
"Do you want this, Jane? Do you want me?"
"Oh, yes, Remus. Now and forever."
"I can't give you forever, Jane."
"You can if you make love to me now. When we join, it will be forever. I'll always be right here for you." She caressed the skin over his heart. "I'll be there. And wherever I do end up, I'll wait for you, Remus." Her words pushed him over the edge and he made love to her in the afternoon light.
"Dr. Gresham will arrive tomorrow afternoon," Snape told Harry.
"Did he say if he had any idea what is happening?"
"No, but he did say he found this quite intriguing. He will have to explore her memory though. Will she be read?"
"She'll do it whether she's ready or not," Harry said.
"It would be helpful if I could get more information."
"Out of the question," this time Harry enjoyed making Snape squirm. "Madame Pomfrey expressly forbade it. And even if she didn't, I wouldn't let you."
"Touché, Potter." He raised his eyebrow. "This interview is now at an end."
"Not just yet."
"Yes, it is."
"I think we have a little more to discuss."
"And what would that be?"
"Your debt to my mother." Snape scowled at Harry. It was the same old look of loathing he always had for him.
"There is nothing to discuss, I owed you mother no debt."
"I'll accept that, for now, I suppose."
"Good, because that's all you'll get."
"Would you answer another question, then?"
"I'm feeling generous at the moment, Potter. Go ahead."
"Why do you hate me?" Snape laughed at that.
"I thought you already knew the answer." Harry regarded the man before him. For as long as he had known him, Harry thought that Snape hated him because of his father, and because of the many times Harry had eluded his wrath. Suddenly, he realized that it went deeper than that. He had to know.
"I thought I knew. I thought it was all so obvious. But that isn't like you, professor. Your motivations have never been so simple. There are layers here. Peal them away and we will get to the truth. Or are you capable of the truth." That hit home, Harry could tell. Snape's temper was rising.
"Unlike you, Potter, I am not a liar. What I've told you is the truth. What you have seen is the truth."
"It is as much truth as you want to reveal. But it's not everything. Why call my mother Lily? She was muggle born. If there is one thing I know about you, it's that you are as fanatical about purebloods as Slytherin himself." Snape was angry, seething. Harry knew he was treading dangerous waters. He wanted the truth. It was time to get it. "What was my mother to you?"
"Nothing, Potter. At the end, nothing."
"At the end?"
"Did you ever wonder why your father hated me from the first?"
"My father despised dark magic, and everything it represented. You were part of that."
"He didn't know that when we met." Harry's eyebrows leapt up. "On the train, on the Express, that first day. He didn't know who I was. He stumbled into my compartment looking for a seat. I was the only occupant. We struck up a conversation. It was quite pleasant, actually. When we were sorted, it didn't seem to make a difference. For a few weeks, we were actually friends. Then she came along.
"She was my friend first, you see. At least I thought so. Your father noticed her one afternoon when we were studying in the library together. After that, she left me."
"But she hated him. She wouldn't consider going out with him until 6th year."
"Have you learned nothing from you own experience, Potter?" Snape sighed. "How long did Miss Weasley love you?" Harry began to understand. "Lily loved him from the start. Your father was too full of himself to realize that. Not till much later. Lily made him wait for her."
"So you were in love with my mother?"
"At the end of our time at Hogwarts? No, I had gotten over her."
"Then why do you hate me?"
"Because I was needed to save your life. Before you were born, I was needed to save my enemy's wife and unborn child."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know your parents escaped the Dark Lord three times."
"Yes."
"The third time was me. Lily didn't know I was a Death Eater. Very few people did. When she came to me, very pregnant, looking for a way to escape, she had no idea."
"You helped her, my dad when you could have betrayed them to Voldemort?"
"Yes, it was - I don't know how to say this, but to have your father in by debt was more powerful to me than any service I could give to the Dark Lord."
"Voldemort never knew, he never suspected?"
"I am an Occulmens. My hatred of your father was enough to keep my secret from Voldemort. Your father didn't like the fact that he was in by debt any more than I cared for being in his."
"But your saving me in that Quidditch match settled your life-debt you owed him."
"He did not ask me to intervene. That was your mother."
"I still don't understand why you hated me, right from the first."
"You have your mother's eyes. To see your mother's eyes in your father's face..." his voice trailed off.
"Enough, Potter. I suggest you go now." Harry had heard enough. He wouldn't press for more.
He didn't go back to the tower. He wouldn't disturb Remus and Jane. It was too early for dinner. Harry wandered out on to the grounds. He sat under the old beech where so many years before, he, Ron, Hermione and Ginny would laugh, talk and try to do homework. He wished Dumbledore were here. Dumbledore seemed to be able to explain everything. He thought briefly of asking Professor McGonnagal to speak with the former headmaster's portrait, but decided against it. You're not a child anymore, Harry. You need to face the world head on. That's what your father would have done. He watched the sun set. Tomorrow was a new day, the beginning of a new year. Tomorrow he would begin to live again.
Remus and Jane stood at the window watching the sun set. Relishing the memory they were making for Remus to take with him. Jane saw Harry first, descending the steps to the grounds. She nudged at Remus.
"We can't leave him alone. Not on New Year's Eve."
"That's Harry we're talking about," Remus said. "He won't want to intrude." She turned in his embrace.
"One of the memories I want to leave you with is the three of us, Remus. I want you to remember us all being happy."
"Do you think we can do that? This must be breaking his heart."
"You said it yourself. This is Harry. From the memories I have from Ginny, Harry finds his own joy seeing those he loves happy. You are happy, Remus? I am. Even knowing that I can't stay, I'm truly happy now."
"Jane you are my joy. I have you locked away in my heart. It's enough for me." He leaned down and kissed her to tenderly, she thought she would weep.
Harry was lost in thought. It had been a day. The old hatred and resentments toward Snape had been replaced by pity. Knowing that soon Ginny and he would be together had lightened his mood. He dreamed of when they would be together again. He would make sure that Remus was a vital part of that.
A son, Remus thought of him as a son. He knew Mr. Weasley thought of him that way, but they had never had the opportunity to get really close. Sirius, to Sirius Harry was more of a brother, another James. There was love there but not like a father. He looked back at all Remus and he had been through. He should have realized it all those years ago. The talks they had shared when he was in his 3rd year. When Remus had taught him how to produce a patronus, he should have realized then that his pride was that of a father. Remus was really the only father he had known. He was glad he told him he loved him.
"Harry?" Jane's voice startled him. He jumped to his feet.
"Jane, should you be out here? Are you okay?" She smiled at him, and he noticed, she didn't smile like Ginny.
"I'm fine. I'm feeling very much better. Remus and I saw you from the window. Would you like to join us in ringing in the New Year? We would really like that."
"No, it's okay. You two should be together."
"We are, Harry. We want to share that with you." Harry didn't know what to do.
"I want to make happy memories for Remus. You are a part of that Harry. I also want you to have those happy memories too. I won't really be gone if you both can share those moments."
"You are an extraordinary woman, Jane. I wish there was a way we could all be together."
"There is, Harry," she walked up to him, and as she had done with Remus, she placed her hand on his heart. "Keep me here. I'll always be with you both, that way."
By deemarie
Chapter 8. New Year's Eve
Jane was ill. She had pushed Snape too far. They spent hours in his office. Jane wouldn't leave. Even when she felt so ill that she was likely to pass out, she had stayed. She remembered more and more.
They began with Ginny's memories of the chamber, always focusing on Riddle. They would lead to Riddle and Jane on their quest. It was finally the memory of disposing of Jane's unborn child when Snape finally drew the line. Jane had emerged from that memory sobbing uncontrollably. Great wracking sobs that shook her to the very core. When he had found there was no way to calm her, he summoned Madame Pomfrey.
Jane's head was splitting with pain, and she gratefully accepted the headache remedy, hoping for dreamless sleep. Her hope was not in vain. Jane slept through the night, nothing disturbing her. But it was morning now. She was sore. Every muscle in her body ached from the tensions of the previous day. Her stomach roiled. She sat up intending to get to the bathroom but when she sat up, it was too much. She leaned over the side of the bed grabbing the wastebasket just in time.
She felt a little better after that. She hoped Harry hadn't heard her. There was no sound approaching her room. Gingerly, Jane rose from the bed. Her legs were shaking; she was barely able to stand. The movement set her headache off again. It was blinding her. She groped her way to the door. She needed to get help. Turning the doorknob was excruciating. Her nerve endings were on fire. She got the door open and stumbled into the common room. She reached for the back of a chair nearest her, but missed her purchase. Jane fell to her knees. The movement had set her stomach off again. Dry heaves wracked her body. Gasping for air, she crumpled the rest of the way to the floor.
The sound of Jane retching in the common room brought Harry awake. He jumped out of bed and opened his door to see Jane lying in the middle of the common room. He picked her up. She was burning with fever. Harry put her back to bed, grabbed his dressing gown and ran to the infirmary.
Madame Pomfrey was giving Remus more of her restorative when Harry burst into the infirmary.
"Madame Pomfrey, come quickly, it's Jane! She's ill, burning up!" Harry had reached Remus' bed and gripped the footboard tightly, his breathing coming in gasps.
"I was afraid of this." The matron went swiftly to her office. Harry, still gasping for air, looked at Remus. Neither spoke. Each saw the pain in the other's eyes. Remus threw back the covers on his bed and got up. He threw on his robe.
"Take me to her, Harry." Harry came around the bed and put his shoulder under Remus' arm. Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office, bag of potions in hand. She looked as if she were about to scream for Remus to get back in bed. Seeing the grim but determined looks on both of their faces quickly changed her mind.
"Take it slowly, Remus. I don't relish the idea of you suffering a relapse." She hurried off leaving the two of them behind.
The walk to Griffindor tower was painful, and not just physically. Harry heard the soft grunts of pain Remus tried to suppress as they walked. Guilt filled him. If only he had kept his heart under control. He should never have let his body betray him like that. Sure he was lonely, desperately so. But he shouldn't have given in to his desires.
Remus loathed his weakness. He had forced Jane to do this. He was familiar enough with Legilimency to know its effects, especially with the state Jane was in. If he had let his mind rule his heart, he would have realized Jane would never betray him. That was Ginny not Jane who had made love with Harry. Harry would have never done that otherwise. He had been right, Harry and Ginny were fated for each other. If the situation had been reversed, Remus knew he would have done the same. Love isn't logical, it can't follow rules.
"Harry I..."
"Remus, please..."
They came to a halt in the hall.
"Remus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been with her. I never meant to hurt you or her."
"Harry don't apologize. That was Ginny. You needed her, she needed you. I was in no fit state of mind. I've never been in love before. I don't know how to trust, that way. I was foolish, so I took the coward's way out. I needed to rid myself of the pain."
"No, Remus, I..."
"Harry, listen to me. This has been coming on for a long time now." Harry stared at Remus, not believing what he was hearing. "I've thought about it for years. After James and Lily died, when I thought Sirius had betrayed them and killed Peter, I thought about it. They were all gone. My parents had died years before. They were the only family I had left. No one would miss me. There was no one who cared. No one but Albus Dumbledore.
"We never actually talked about it. But he sensed how deeply depressed I was. All those years, before I came here to teach you, Albus had me roaming about Europe looking for Voldemort. It gave me a purpose. A reason to go on. I lived for revenge.
"Then came word that you needed me. So I came at Dumbledore's request. How like your father you looked, how like you mother you were. You were the best of both of them, Harry. And I needed to protect you. But not for the reason we all thought." They had begun walking again.
"Sirius was restored to me. I wasn't alone anymore. Those two years we spent together were glorious. My bother was returned to me. James and Lily's son was my friend, a kind of nephew. I had a family once more.
"I know how you felt when Sirius died. And I almost slipped beck into depression again. But you needed me, Harry. I took over Sirius' duties to you and again, I had purpose. The order, the Weasley's all became like family to me. You were growing up, becoming a man. You were ready to be on your own. I was proud of you, but soon you would move on. Ginny became your life. It was time for me to step back. When I did that, the old feelings began to emerge. I never let you see them. You were too happy. I was determined to exit slowly, disappear quietly, end it all."
"Remus, I would never have let you go."
"I know that now, Harry. But then? I wasn't thinking clearly. Then Ginny disappeared. You needed me again. How could I leave you? My son. The son I would never have otherwise. Whatever you would need, I would be there for you.
"Kingsley had kept the search going. Not on a grand scale. But he checked every rumor; any trace of Ginny was investigated. He sent me to Mexico when someone in the Muggle ministry had forwarded information about a British woman fitting the description of Ginny that had been in Mexico City. It was the barest of information, but I had a feeling.
"I could make you happy again, Harry. I could repay the Weasley's for their kindness, acceptance and love. I had no idea things would turn out the way they did.
"I love Jane because she's like me. Alone, different, not fitting in precisely. Kindred spirits. I've never loved a woman as I love Jane. There was the chance she could accept me for what I am. I have never given that part of my heart away, Harry. Not to James or Sirius or you either. It tore me apart when I saw you. The old fears and depression returned with a vengeance. I wanted to hurt you, hurt you both the way I hurt."
They had reached the common room.
"I should have listened to Jane. I should have trusted her. Of all the people who could have made me see the truth, it had to be Severus.
"I'm sorry, Harry."
"Remus, I - I don't know what to say."
"There's noting for you to say, Harry. I just wanted you to know this. I know I won't have Jane. It is her fate to move on. She doesn't belong here. I will miss her, but if her dying..." Remus' voice broke. "If her dying brings Ginny back to you, that will be enough. I won't leave. I know there will always be a place for me in both your lives."
They sat silently on the couch before the fire, each adrift in the sea of their own thoughts. Madame Pomfrey came out of Jane's dormitory. Harry stood, Remus looked up.
"If you two aren't the sorriest looking pair!" she said in exasperation. "Miss Weasley will be fine. It's merely the residual effects of prolonged exposure to the spell. Her fever is gone. She's sleeping. Give her time to rest. And if Severus wants her, she is NOT to go." She turned to leave. "Honestly, the way serious magic is used so casually around here. If I wasn't needed so badly, I'd leave!" Before she left, she turned to Remus. "I'll have some clothes and your medicine sent here. I know you won't leave until she's well. But you are not to go roaming about."
"I'll give him my room," Harry said. "I can take the couch."
"See that he rests, Potter," then she left.
Harry made sure Remus was comfortably situated in his dorm. Then he went to breakfast. There was a lot for him to think about today. But he wasn't ready to do that just yet. He still had to finish reading Dr. Gresham's book, and he needed to write to the Weasley's. When he thought about it, he was amazed that Ron and Hermione hadn't been pestering him with owls. He'd left Hedwig behind with the Weasley's, Errol having finally been retired. They still hadn't replaced him. He had served them faithfully for many years, and they probably felt a little funny to bring a new owl into their home. Replacing a faithful familiar was probably a difficult business. He couldn't begin to think of how he would replace Hedwig.
With his book beside his plate, he simply refused to prop it against the jug of pumpkin juice, too much like Hermione, he read more of Gresham's work. Aside from a few good mornings from the students, no one really bothered him. He chatted a bit with Ken and Alex and then went back to the book.
She was just a few yards away. Out one door and in another. Should he? Remus was exhausted, despite the restorative; his walk to the tower, his exposing his feelings to Harry had taken so much out of him. He closed his eyes he needed to sleep. Visions of Jane ran through his mind. He could see her smiling, laughing. A surge of emotion filled his heart. Pictures of her looking at him with passion from the night they had almost shared love. A tear leaked from his eye when he thought of what he would never have. Jane didn't belong here, much as he wanted her to stay, she didn't belong here. Ginny did and Ginny should be with Harry. He fell asleep dreaming of what might have been.
Jane tentatively got out of bed. Her headache was gone. She was still sore, but at least the excruciating nerve pain was gone. A little unsteady on her feet, she reached for her robe and put it on. She needed to get to the bathroom. Harry stuck his head in her door.
"Jane, are you okay? Should you be out of bed?"
"I'm fine, Harry. I just need - need to..." she nodded to the bathroom. Harry blushed, his mouth an O of surprise, he shut the door behind him.
Harry went back to the table and finished the letter he was writing. He had written one letter to the Weasley's assuring them they were okay. Without giving details he had told them they were closer to bringing Ginny back, but he wasn't sure how long it would take. He told them to be patient and he would write again soon. Now all he needed to do was finish this one to Ron. He had given Ron almost all the details; nothing about what happened the other night or why Remus has attempted suicide.
Don't tell Hermione everything. She's too close to delivery.
You know how she'll get. She may even try to come here. We
don't want her to risk that.
I'll write as soon as I can. After reading Dr. Gresham's
book, I feel sure he can help. I hope he accepts Snape's
proposal. If he doesn't, I plan on going to see him
myself. I know I can convince him to help.
Give my love to 'Mione.
Harry
He finished sealing the letters when Jane came out.
"You should be in bed."
"I know. I just wanted to ask if you've been able to see Remus."
"Yes, he's fine."
"Is he? Snape said he would talk to him. I wish I could go to him."
"You can."
"No, I'm too tired. The infirmary is too far."
"Jane, he's in my dorm."
"He's here?" Harry nodded. Jane's eyes went to the door.
"Look, I have to send these letters off and then I'm going to see Snape." He paused. "I'll stay away until dinner. Do you think that's enough time?" Jane went over to Harry and gently stroked his face. She knew what this was costing him.
"Ginny was the luckiest girl alive, Harry. You are a wonderful man. I wish I could stay to find out how things will turn out. I wish you luck and love." Harry took Jane's hand and kissed her palm.
"I'll find happiness again. Take yours now while you can. If it's any consolation, if I never knew Ginny then it would have been you." Then he was gone. She would miss him, she knew that.
"If it weren't for Remus," she whispered. She took a deep breath and went to Remus. He was still asleep. She wouldn't wake him. So she pulled a chair next to the bed and waited.
Remus' eyes slowly blinked open. Jane. Sitting next to him. Smiling. He smiled back. He pushed himself to a sitting position.
"I'm sorry, Jane."
"I love you, Remus." He looked into her eyes. It was there for him to see. Forgiveness, asking to be forgiven, love. His heart nearly burst.
"I love you, too." There was a sadness about them. As if they had begun to grieve for each other. Jane's eyes brimmed with tears. One glided gently down her cheek. Remus reached to wipe it away. His hand lingered. He brushed his thumb along her bottom lip. She closed her eyes as the sensation sent a shiver down her spine. Then his lips brushed hers and she was lost. Her hands came around his neck as she moved to the bed. He was stroking her back making her tremble with need. His tongue sought entrance and she granted it, willingly, with her whole heart.
He eased her dressing gown off her shoulder as his lips caressed her ear, then her neck. She moaned with pleasure as his tongue explored the place where her neck met her shoulder. He used his teeth to push the gown strap away and then kissed her white soft flesh. He backed off looking at the expanse of skin he had exposed. The gown still covered most of her breast. He leaned down and licked her skin drawing goose flesh from her.
"Do you want this, Jane? Do you want me?"
"Oh, yes, Remus. Now and forever."
"I can't give you forever, Jane."
"You can if you make love to me now. When we join, it will be forever. I'll always be right here for you." She caressed the skin over his heart. "I'll be there. And wherever I do end up, I'll wait for you, Remus." Her words pushed him over the edge and he made love to her in the afternoon light.
"Dr. Gresham will arrive tomorrow afternoon," Snape told Harry.
"Did he say if he had any idea what is happening?"
"No, but he did say he found this quite intriguing. He will have to explore her memory though. Will she be read?"
"She'll do it whether she's ready or not," Harry said.
"It would be helpful if I could get more information."
"Out of the question," this time Harry enjoyed making Snape squirm. "Madame Pomfrey expressly forbade it. And even if she didn't, I wouldn't let you."
"Touché, Potter." He raised his eyebrow. "This interview is now at an end."
"Not just yet."
"Yes, it is."
"I think we have a little more to discuss."
"And what would that be?"
"Your debt to my mother." Snape scowled at Harry. It was the same old look of loathing he always had for him.
"There is nothing to discuss, I owed you mother no debt."
"I'll accept that, for now, I suppose."
"Good, because that's all you'll get."
"Would you answer another question, then?"
"I'm feeling generous at the moment, Potter. Go ahead."
"Why do you hate me?" Snape laughed at that.
"I thought you already knew the answer." Harry regarded the man before him. For as long as he had known him, Harry thought that Snape hated him because of his father, and because of the many times Harry had eluded his wrath. Suddenly, he realized that it went deeper than that. He had to know.
"I thought I knew. I thought it was all so obvious. But that isn't like you, professor. Your motivations have never been so simple. There are layers here. Peal them away and we will get to the truth. Or are you capable of the truth." That hit home, Harry could tell. Snape's temper was rising.
"Unlike you, Potter, I am not a liar. What I've told you is the truth. What you have seen is the truth."
"It is as much truth as you want to reveal. But it's not everything. Why call my mother Lily? She was muggle born. If there is one thing I know about you, it's that you are as fanatical about purebloods as Slytherin himself." Snape was angry, seething. Harry knew he was treading dangerous waters. He wanted the truth. It was time to get it. "What was my mother to you?"
"Nothing, Potter. At the end, nothing."
"At the end?"
"Did you ever wonder why your father hated me from the first?"
"My father despised dark magic, and everything it represented. You were part of that."
"He didn't know that when we met." Harry's eyebrows leapt up. "On the train, on the Express, that first day. He didn't know who I was. He stumbled into my compartment looking for a seat. I was the only occupant. We struck up a conversation. It was quite pleasant, actually. When we were sorted, it didn't seem to make a difference. For a few weeks, we were actually friends. Then she came along.
"She was my friend first, you see. At least I thought so. Your father noticed her one afternoon when we were studying in the library together. After that, she left me."
"But she hated him. She wouldn't consider going out with him until 6th year."
"Have you learned nothing from you own experience, Potter?" Snape sighed. "How long did Miss Weasley love you?" Harry began to understand. "Lily loved him from the start. Your father was too full of himself to realize that. Not till much later. Lily made him wait for her."
"So you were in love with my mother?"
"At the end of our time at Hogwarts? No, I had gotten over her."
"Then why do you hate me?"
"Because I was needed to save your life. Before you were born, I was needed to save my enemy's wife and unborn child."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know your parents escaped the Dark Lord three times."
"Yes."
"The third time was me. Lily didn't know I was a Death Eater. Very few people did. When she came to me, very pregnant, looking for a way to escape, she had no idea."
"You helped her, my dad when you could have betrayed them to Voldemort?"
"Yes, it was - I don't know how to say this, but to have your father in by debt was more powerful to me than any service I could give to the Dark Lord."
"Voldemort never knew, he never suspected?"
"I am an Occulmens. My hatred of your father was enough to keep my secret from Voldemort. Your father didn't like the fact that he was in by debt any more than I cared for being in his."
"But your saving me in that Quidditch match settled your life-debt you owed him."
"He did not ask me to intervene. That was your mother."
"I still don't understand why you hated me, right from the first."
"You have your mother's eyes. To see your mother's eyes in your father's face..." his voice trailed off.
"Enough, Potter. I suggest you go now." Harry had heard enough. He wouldn't press for more.
He didn't go back to the tower. He wouldn't disturb Remus and Jane. It was too early for dinner. Harry wandered out on to the grounds. He sat under the old beech where so many years before, he, Ron, Hermione and Ginny would laugh, talk and try to do homework. He wished Dumbledore were here. Dumbledore seemed to be able to explain everything. He thought briefly of asking Professor McGonnagal to speak with the former headmaster's portrait, but decided against it. You're not a child anymore, Harry. You need to face the world head on. That's what your father would have done. He watched the sun set. Tomorrow was a new day, the beginning of a new year. Tomorrow he would begin to live again.
Remus and Jane stood at the window watching the sun set. Relishing the memory they were making for Remus to take with him. Jane saw Harry first, descending the steps to the grounds. She nudged at Remus.
"We can't leave him alone. Not on New Year's Eve."
"That's Harry we're talking about," Remus said. "He won't want to intrude." She turned in his embrace.
"One of the memories I want to leave you with is the three of us, Remus. I want you to remember us all being happy."
"Do you think we can do that? This must be breaking his heart."
"You said it yourself. This is Harry. From the memories I have from Ginny, Harry finds his own joy seeing those he loves happy. You are happy, Remus? I am. Even knowing that I can't stay, I'm truly happy now."
"Jane you are my joy. I have you locked away in my heart. It's enough for me." He leaned down and kissed her to tenderly, she thought she would weep.
Harry was lost in thought. It had been a day. The old hatred and resentments toward Snape had been replaced by pity. Knowing that soon Ginny and he would be together had lightened his mood. He dreamed of when they would be together again. He would make sure that Remus was a vital part of that.
A son, Remus thought of him as a son. He knew Mr. Weasley thought of him that way, but they had never had the opportunity to get really close. Sirius, to Sirius Harry was more of a brother, another James. There was love there but not like a father. He looked back at all Remus and he had been through. He should have realized it all those years ago. The talks they had shared when he was in his 3rd year. When Remus had taught him how to produce a patronus, he should have realized then that his pride was that of a father. Remus was really the only father he had known. He was glad he told him he loved him.
"Harry?" Jane's voice startled him. He jumped to his feet.
"Jane, should you be out here? Are you okay?" She smiled at him, and he noticed, she didn't smile like Ginny.
"I'm fine. I'm feeling very much better. Remus and I saw you from the window. Would you like to join us in ringing in the New Year? We would really like that."
"No, it's okay. You two should be together."
"We are, Harry. We want to share that with you." Harry didn't know what to do.
"I want to make happy memories for Remus. You are a part of that Harry. I also want you to have those happy memories too. I won't really be gone if you both can share those moments."
"You are an extraordinary woman, Jane. I wish there was a way we could all be together."
"There is, Harry," she walked up to him, and as she had done with Remus, she placed her hand on his heart. "Keep me here. I'll always be with you both, that way."