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Sleeping Ugly
Notes from the authoress:
1) I am not homophobic. I know that I'm using a stereotype in this story (probably a lot more than one), but this is just for humor's sake. I am not prejudiced. I don't mean this to be offensive to homosexuals/bisexuals in any way, shape, or form. For that matter, I don't mean this to be offensive to anyone else either, though it probably will be.
2) Sori is my alter-ego/muse (the little voice in my head that writes my stories), and she is telling this story. ...Be afraid.
3) Please excuse the horrible special effects and stage props. I'm on a low budget.
4) I have a very odd, wild, sometimes way-too-serious sense of humor. Please place any blame and/or accusation of insanity on Sori's head. She's my evil side/alter-ego/muse (yes, there is a part of me that is more evil.*cough cough*); therefore, it's all her fault. I swear, she made me do it! It's not my fault!
5) All comments made by Sori (my evil alter ego/muse/person-in-my-head-who- thinks-up-my stories) are made with these little marks [ ~ ]
...Okay, I'm done now. Have fun!
----------------------------------------------------Sleeping Ugly ---------- -----------------------------------
"Once upon a time there was a very beautiful young princess. She - " said an elderly woman
"Okay, okay, and they lived happily ever after. Blah blah blah."
The old narrator looked up as a somewhat tall girl with kind-of long brownish-blonde hair and blue eyes stepped into the small closet-like room. The girl put one hand on her left hip, grabbing the book with the other hand; to the intense shock of the old, grey-haired woman. The young girl looked the book over and wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"What is this, some kind of sappy romance novel? ...Ugh, it is!"
She closed the book with a snap, turning and striding from the room, mumbling to herself.
"This book needs a serious rewrite..."
Suddenly, she stopped dead in her tracks, whirling to look at the shocked narrator. She lunged forward, hugging the woman and jumping happily.
"I've got a great idea!"
She abruptly let the woman go, and bounced off happily as the narrator clutched at her chest, breathing heavily.
*****fic-break*****
~ Perhaps I should introduce to you the brown-haired girl. Yes, yes, she is me ( in a sense, because I am the voice in her head.uh.yea) and yes, she is a lunatic. Now, anyway - Yes, she is going to attempt to re-write the story. As I was - SHUT UP, BRATS! ...That's better. The brown-haired girl is a nutcase named Marcia, and she has re-written the story she absent- mindedly stole from the old woman, who I believe died of a massive heart attack a few minutes after she left.~
*****end fic-break*****
Marcia shifted in her seat, looking uncomfortable while trying to smile at her five-year-old audience.
"Um, yes. Thank you, Sori. Well, anyway, I have re-written Sleeping Beauty into the form of a play! And, of course, re-named it: Sleeping Ugly. Playing the part of Sleeping Ugly will be the infamous Brittany Spears!"
Brittany entered the small story-telling room, giggling and smiling at the children. Suddenly, she turned to Marcia, pouting in what she obviously thought to be a cute way. "This dress is too heavy! And the collar is too high! And the skirt is too low! I can't show off my gorgeous legs or any of my surgically-enhanced cleavage!"
"Spears, think of the children!"
Again, Brittany pouted. "But I am!"
Marcia sighed. "Yes, yes. Get behind the curtain. And, playing the parts of the three fairies, the Backstreet Boys! Please welcome Nick, Brian, AJ, Howie, and Kevin! Nick will be playing the part of Merryweather, Kevin as Flora, and AJ as Fauna. Brian and Howie are carbon-copy back-ups in case screaming fangirls invade the set and carry two of the on-stage boys off the set. Howie is the Merryweather understudy, and Brian is the Flora understudy, doubling as Fauna. Come on out, um... boys!"
The Backstreet boys entered, wearing little dresses and carrying cheap, plastic, dollar store wands.
Before they could speak, Marcia decided to introduce the knight in shining armor - Justin Timberlake. He entered wearing a low-priced plastic knight set found at Looney Lizard, with a scabbard containing a sword strapped to his side.
"Hey, I always knew you guys were fairies!" He told the Backstreet boys, holding in laughter at their outfits.
"Back off, man, we were put up to this." AJ stepped forward threateningly. Howie also stepped forward, frowning.
"Yeah, it's not cool to insult us about our sexual preference."
"Ah, shuddap, boys, it's time to start the play!" shouted Marcia
"But who'll be the bad chick?"
Marcia winked at Howie. "Why, who else but P!nk? Now, get out! Out, I say, out!" And with her SpecialNiftyAuthoressPowers she made them all POOF to behind the curtain.
Marcia snapped her fingers, and music began to play. Unfortunately, it was Michelle Branch's Breathe, which is a song Marcia likes, but didn't fit in with the story. Oh well. What can you do?
Marcia settled down in a rocking chair with the book open in her lap.
"Once upon a time there was a -I've been drivin' for an hour, just talking to the rain, you say I've been driving you crazy, and it's keeping you away -oops sorry. As I was saying, once upon a time there lived a king and queen. Has anyone but me noticed that this is mandatory for stories that start with 'Once upon a time...'? There has to be some royalty, or apparently the plot goes poofy, the characters suck and nobody cares and therefore the book sits in a library untouched for years, collecting dust and mold and mildew..." Marcia grabbed a nearby tissue and blew her nose, sniffling. "I'm so sorry, it's just..." She collapsed into a blubbering heap, sobbing incoherent words that occasionally made sense: "I... ohforintnoreswabgoe... so SAD!"
~ I'm sure you get the picture. Once Marcia had come back out of her pathetic blubbering's- ~
"Hey!"
~ -she realized that she must start the story before this perverse attempt at humor stretches out any longer for no apparent reason.~
"Randomness is good."
~Tell the tale, Marcia.~
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Once upon a time there lived a king and queen. These two were the most loved and adored king and queen throughout the kingdom, namely because they were the only king and queen. Now, these poor suckers just couldn't seem to have a kid for the longest time, so they decided to take the easy and very generous and kind-hearted way and adopt. They would have adopted a black baby to represent equality and lack of prejudice, but Brittany is white, so no go there. In any case, they adopted a weird- looking little baby with loads of make-up and dyed blonde hair (actually real-life Brittany dressed as a baby). They named her Brittany, which in their country, means 'why won't she go away?'.
"After they adopted her, there was much celebration and joy, for the 'baby' would never have to be looked at by people searching for a 'child' in that particular foster home ever again. And, just maybe, she'd turn out okay once she grew up."
~Yeah. Right.~
"Now who's interrupting? In any case, there was a big to do held for this 'kid'. King Tom Hanks and Queen Angelina Jolie pseudo-happily showed off their new 'child' to the residents of their kingdom. Queen Angelina 'accidentally' dropped Britney over the balcony, but unfortunately - fortunately, I mean, FORTUNATELY, I SAY - the 'baby' landed in a pile of hay and was unharmed."
"The King and Queen had invited the Backstreet Boys minus Howie and Brian to this gala event. All three showed up, despite the fact that they strongly wanted to stay home. As stated in the Law Book of Official Fairy Tales, they each gave a gift to the new princess."
"I give her the gift of looks!" AJ said, waving his cheap dollar-store wand about.
Some of the badly glued sparkles flew off, landing in the 'baby's' mouth and making her cry. Everyone covered their ears. Even as a 'child', Brittany had a terrible voice.
Kevin yelled over her screeching, "I give the gift of voice!" Then he swore. "Not that she needs it!"
"Just as Nick was about to grant his gift so they could get the hell out of there, a large explosion took place. After much of the created pink smoke cleared away - "
~What pink smoke?~
"Just pretend there's some. I'm on a low budget, here. Okay, after the pink smoke cleared away -"
~ But there isn't any!~
"AFTER THE PINK SMOKE CLEARED AWAY, a pink-haired woman was left standing in the middle of the ballroom floor."
"What the fuck is that racket?!" She yelled, clapping her hands over her ears.
"Just our new baby!" Tom yelled back, his ears also covered.
"Oh! All right, then!" The woman, P!nk, began to vanish.
"WAIT!" The crowd yelled. P!nk came back into focus.
"What?"
This time, AJ spoke up. "Aren't you supposed to put an evil spell on her or something to kill her?"
The crowd nodded.
"Uh, yeah, I guess." P!nk frowned, then pointed her long staff (really just a large, painted branch) at Brittany. "Be dead!" Then she whacked her on the head, causing the 'baby' to wail louder and swear occasionally. "Be dead, I say! BE DEAD, DAMMIT!" P!nk kicked the cradle, but to no avail.
Marcia, tired of this and aware that everyone else probably was too, stepped in.
"Here." She handed P!nk a script, then jumped off the stage again.
"Okay, thanks." P!nk looked the script over. "Um... It says here... 'Scario eternitius damndous.'" A bright yellow flash signified a spell.
~What spell, by the way? It was just yellow candy wrapping over another flashlight...~
"Oh, go away! What Scario eternitius damndous means is that the kingdom would live forever, and forever be plagued by Brittany's nasal whining!"
"Nooooooo!" The Queen and King fell to their knees. "Please, reverse this terrible spell! You were supposed to kill her!"
P!nk shrugged.
"Not my fault. I just read the script."
"Hey, maybe I can help!" Nick said, running over to Brittany, whose caterwauling had not yet stopped (and probably wouldn't for the rest of her life).
He waved his wand around. "Um... reverse this curse! When she pricks her finger on a spinning wheel at seventeen, she will die!"
"...seventeen?" The Queen repeated faintly. "That long?"
Nick shrugged. "Best I could do."
By this time, P!nk had vanished, probably to think up ways to make the death quicker.
King Tom snatched the baby up and thrust her to AJ. "You three raise her! We don't want her!"
AJ stared, nearly dropping Brittany. "You want me to raise this future whore?!"
"Yes." Queen Angelina shoved the three fairies out the door. "Now go!" She gave them all earplugs. "And may these save what will be the remains of your damned soul when she's through with you!" Then the door slammed shut and locked.
"This is just crap!" Kevin complained, ignoring AJ's attempts to give him the baby. "And we can't even drop her into the moat because then the story would be too short!"
"Yeah." Nick agreed.
Then the depressed three and the baby Brittany set off into the woods. On the way there, a loud crunch was heard, along with a short squawk.
Marcia rushed onto the set, dodging cardboard trees. "Oh, you poor, poor bird!" She lifted the deceased animal into her arms. "AJ, you meanie, you stepped on her!" Her eyes brimmed with tears. "I'll NEVER forgive you!" And she ran off the set, sobbing again.
"...I thought it was one of those toy birds that you put on your hand and it chirped..." Kevin said belatedly. After a few seconds, the foursome moved on.
~And, in those few seconds, seventeen years passed by for convenience's sake. Now the stage has Brittany - stop, kids, don't run! Come back! ...Well, there goes our audience. Bummer. - dancing and singing horribly through the forest. When suddenly, out of the blue, a tone-deaf pop singer just showed up and began dancing with her! Wonder of wonders! Cliché of clichés! This story had been beat with the cliché stick and run over with the cliché truck! Joy of joys!~
~Excuse my random bouts of pathetic sarcasm.~
~ This new male pop singer was named Justin. Unfortunately, not something I can make fun of, such as Justin Time. Nooooo. It had to be Justin Timberlake. Excuse me while I go gag.~
"You do that. Okay, as Brittany was dancing and singing and scaring away the birds - "
~Hey, I didn't know you were back from making a flood big enough to scare the living hell out of Noah.~
"Ah, shuddap. I didn't cry that much over p-p-poor Flu-flu-ff-ff-ff- y..." And Marcia burst into tears again and ran into a closet.
~....Fluffy? You called a bird FLUFFY?~
"You're so insensitive!"
~Riiiight. As Marcia was saying, Brittany was dancing and singing through the forest, she was found by a tone-deaf male pop singer!~
"Hello!" Brittany rasped in what was supposed to be a cute little-girl voice. "What's your size?"
"BRITTANY!" Marcia roared from her closet/story telling spot.
Brittany blushed and giggled. "Oopsie-daisy! I mean, who are you? I've never seen you around here before." She bat her eyelashes at Justin, who immediately turned into a pile of boy-goo.
"Duh..." Typical star-eyes.
"Awwwww! I'm going to take you home with me!" And with that, Brittany grabbed Justin's coat collar and dragged him off toward her cottage.
Meanwhile, the three fairies, Nick, AJ, and Brian (Kevin had been carried off by rabid fangirls earlier in the play. God save his soul.) sat around the cottage drinking alcohol. They were celebrating, as it was the princess's seventeenth birthday, and it was time for her to return to the castle so she could prick her finger and die! As you can probably guess, this called for a long celebration, so they were all very much drunk by the time Brittany and Justin came to the cottage.
"Oh dear fairies! Come and see who followed me home!"
Nick, AJ, and Brian stumbled to the door, occasionally falling over. When AJ finally managed to open the door, he fell right onto Justin.
"Ewewewewewew! The fairy touched me! The fairy touched me!" He shoved AJ off, who slumped to the floor, passed out drunk, his fairy wings twitching.
Marcia ran out of the closet/ story telling spot and leaped onto the stage, thwacking Justin over the head with a mallet for his comment, then ran off again to continue sobbing.
~After many strange looks, the play continued.~
"Who're yous?" Nick slurred, leaning heavily on the wall.
"This is Justin! He's my new boyfriend!" Brittany gushed, clinging to Justin's arm like an annoying piece of heavily-make-upped lint.
Justin nodded happily, looking like an ugly white T-shirt that the previously mentioned lint was attached to.
"Yes I am! We can begin a singing career together!"
~At this point, it seemed sure that not just the kingdom was doomed, but the entire world! Two tone-deaf people who can't write their own songs properly off on the lovey-dovey singing-and-writing spree? Dear Lord, send us salvation!~
Suddenly Jesus popped up from nowhere, for a reason that has nothing to do with this story "You called?"
~Or maybe just earplugs.~
P!nk had appeared in all her pinkish glory, waving her painted branch around in one hand and holding the script in the other. "Um.... dude, this writer chick is whacked... Okay! Spinning wheel thingy, we need your might! Send us a weird needle thing-a-ma-bobber with you attached to help us with our plight!"
~Thus ensuring much blinking.~
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Suddenly, a large blast that sounded way too much like a gunshot echoed around the room, and a black liquid splattered over all the cast members. In the midst of the confusion a spinning wheel appeared.
~Just pretend not to notice Marcia running off the set with a paint gun.~
"Wow, look! A sewing machine!" Brittany said happily. She alone was untouched, save for her clothes. Her layers and layers of make-up prevented any paint from touching her. "I've always wanted to try domestic stuff!" Like a moron, she touched the sharp needle of the spinning wheel. "Ow!" She stuck her finger in her mouth, grimacing.
"Wasn't she supposed to die or something?"
"Shut up, Nick, and pretend to be drunk. I'm not allowed murder or something stupid like that." Marcia had wandered back onto the stage again, trailing black footprints. "Hey, Brittany!" She said cheerily, raising a perfume bottle. "Try this new scent!" And thus, Marcia sprayed it in Brittany's face. I'm sure you all know what happened next.
THUD
Brittany had collapsed in an ungainly heap on the floor, snoring loudly.
"Off off off!" Marcia yelled, shoving everyone off the stage. Running behind the curtain, Marcia dragged out a card-board cut out castle. She dragged Brittany through the doors and dropped her onto a bedroll.
"Brittany!" Justin was currently trying to claw his way back on stage, barely held back by AJ and Brian.
"Just a second, lover boy," Marcia snapped. "I've got to put the thorns up and crap, right?"
She threw another paper to P!nk, who clambered back up onto the stage, reading aloud. "Thorn appearus and crapuso! ...What drug are you on, by the way?"
"Oh, be quiet." Marcia shot the paint gun at the floor again, re- drenching P!nk and herself in paint, this time colored green. With a wave of her hand, Marcia signaled to three women, who dragged Marcia's neighbor's uprooted rose bushes in front of the castle.
"Very good, very good." Marcia smiled, then positioned P!nk behind the thorns. "Okay, you guys, let him go!" Then she dashed off stage.
As soon as he was released, Justin bolted up onto the stage. Unfortunately for him, his momentum made him fall forward into the bushes.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" He yelled, leaping backwards and clawing at the thorns still stuck in his arms and legs.
"Baby." P!nk commented.
~Use the sword, you moron.~
At the sound of my voice, they all looked up (with the exception of Marcia).
"Oh my God! It's God!"
"Holy shit, it is!"
"OH GOSH OH GOSH OH GOSH!"
~Now, if I were God, they'd all be burnt to a crisp from a few well- aimed lightening bolts by now.~
~I'm not God, idiots, I'm just the voice in Marcia's head. Go back to the play.~
Justin was currently hacking at the rose bushes with his plastic sword -
"It's not my fault the real ones were over two hundred bucks!"
- but to no avail. Finally, one of the worker women who dragged the thorns onstage handed him some garden shears. With these, he quickly cut through.
"Ha ha ha, young prince. You shall never get past me.Cue evil laughter"
Marcia banged her head against a wall. "Stop reading from the script! It's only for the special effects!"
"Oh. Sorry."
Justin pointed his Deadly-Garden-Shears at P!nk. "I will avenge my love and rescue her from your evil spell, witch!"
P!nk gasped. "WITCH?! Why you..." And she proceeded to bash him over the head with her painted-branch staff, beating him into unconsciousness.
~Thus, Brittany slept on, and the world was saved and once more safe from talentless-ness .~
THE END
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------
~Until, of course, Marcia receives another random idea from me that will make readers question her already questionable sanity.~
"Ah, shuddap, Sori."
~Somebody save our SOOOOOOOOOOULS!~
Sleeping Ugly
Notes from the authoress:
1) I am not homophobic. I know that I'm using a stereotype in this story (probably a lot more than one), but this is just for humor's sake. I am not prejudiced. I don't mean this to be offensive to homosexuals/bisexuals in any way, shape, or form. For that matter, I don't mean this to be offensive to anyone else either, though it probably will be.
2) Sori is my alter-ego/muse (the little voice in my head that writes my stories), and she is telling this story. ...Be afraid.
3) Please excuse the horrible special effects and stage props. I'm on a low budget.
4) I have a very odd, wild, sometimes way-too-serious sense of humor. Please place any blame and/or accusation of insanity on Sori's head. She's my evil side/alter-ego/muse (yes, there is a part of me that is more evil.*cough cough*); therefore, it's all her fault. I swear, she made me do it! It's not my fault!
5) All comments made by Sori (my evil alter ego/muse/person-in-my-head-who- thinks-up-my stories) are made with these little marks [ ~ ]
...Okay, I'm done now. Have fun!
----------------------------------------------------Sleeping Ugly ---------- -----------------------------------
"Once upon a time there was a very beautiful young princess. She - " said an elderly woman
"Okay, okay, and they lived happily ever after. Blah blah blah."
The old narrator looked up as a somewhat tall girl with kind-of long brownish-blonde hair and blue eyes stepped into the small closet-like room. The girl put one hand on her left hip, grabbing the book with the other hand; to the intense shock of the old, grey-haired woman. The young girl looked the book over and wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"What is this, some kind of sappy romance novel? ...Ugh, it is!"
She closed the book with a snap, turning and striding from the room, mumbling to herself.
"This book needs a serious rewrite..."
Suddenly, she stopped dead in her tracks, whirling to look at the shocked narrator. She lunged forward, hugging the woman and jumping happily.
"I've got a great idea!"
She abruptly let the woman go, and bounced off happily as the narrator clutched at her chest, breathing heavily.
*****fic-break*****
~ Perhaps I should introduce to you the brown-haired girl. Yes, yes, she is me ( in a sense, because I am the voice in her head.uh.yea) and yes, she is a lunatic. Now, anyway - Yes, she is going to attempt to re-write the story. As I was - SHUT UP, BRATS! ...That's better. The brown-haired girl is a nutcase named Marcia, and she has re-written the story she absent- mindedly stole from the old woman, who I believe died of a massive heart attack a few minutes after she left.~
*****end fic-break*****
Marcia shifted in her seat, looking uncomfortable while trying to smile at her five-year-old audience.
"Um, yes. Thank you, Sori. Well, anyway, I have re-written Sleeping Beauty into the form of a play! And, of course, re-named it: Sleeping Ugly. Playing the part of Sleeping Ugly will be the infamous Brittany Spears!"
Brittany entered the small story-telling room, giggling and smiling at the children. Suddenly, she turned to Marcia, pouting in what she obviously thought to be a cute way. "This dress is too heavy! And the collar is too high! And the skirt is too low! I can't show off my gorgeous legs or any of my surgically-enhanced cleavage!"
"Spears, think of the children!"
Again, Brittany pouted. "But I am!"
Marcia sighed. "Yes, yes. Get behind the curtain. And, playing the parts of the three fairies, the Backstreet Boys! Please welcome Nick, Brian, AJ, Howie, and Kevin! Nick will be playing the part of Merryweather, Kevin as Flora, and AJ as Fauna. Brian and Howie are carbon-copy back-ups in case screaming fangirls invade the set and carry two of the on-stage boys off the set. Howie is the Merryweather understudy, and Brian is the Flora understudy, doubling as Fauna. Come on out, um... boys!"
The Backstreet boys entered, wearing little dresses and carrying cheap, plastic, dollar store wands.
Before they could speak, Marcia decided to introduce the knight in shining armor - Justin Timberlake. He entered wearing a low-priced plastic knight set found at Looney Lizard, with a scabbard containing a sword strapped to his side.
"Hey, I always knew you guys were fairies!" He told the Backstreet boys, holding in laughter at their outfits.
"Back off, man, we were put up to this." AJ stepped forward threateningly. Howie also stepped forward, frowning.
"Yeah, it's not cool to insult us about our sexual preference."
"Ah, shuddap, boys, it's time to start the play!" shouted Marcia
"But who'll be the bad chick?"
Marcia winked at Howie. "Why, who else but P!nk? Now, get out! Out, I say, out!" And with her SpecialNiftyAuthoressPowers she made them all POOF to behind the curtain.
Marcia snapped her fingers, and music began to play. Unfortunately, it was Michelle Branch's Breathe, which is a song Marcia likes, but didn't fit in with the story. Oh well. What can you do?
Marcia settled down in a rocking chair with the book open in her lap.
"Once upon a time there was a -I've been drivin' for an hour, just talking to the rain, you say I've been driving you crazy, and it's keeping you away -oops sorry. As I was saying, once upon a time there lived a king and queen. Has anyone but me noticed that this is mandatory for stories that start with 'Once upon a time...'? There has to be some royalty, or apparently the plot goes poofy, the characters suck and nobody cares and therefore the book sits in a library untouched for years, collecting dust and mold and mildew..." Marcia grabbed a nearby tissue and blew her nose, sniffling. "I'm so sorry, it's just..." She collapsed into a blubbering heap, sobbing incoherent words that occasionally made sense: "I... ohforintnoreswabgoe... so SAD!"
~ I'm sure you get the picture. Once Marcia had come back out of her pathetic blubbering's- ~
"Hey!"
~ -she realized that she must start the story before this perverse attempt at humor stretches out any longer for no apparent reason.~
"Randomness is good."
~Tell the tale, Marcia.~
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Once upon a time there lived a king and queen. These two were the most loved and adored king and queen throughout the kingdom, namely because they were the only king and queen. Now, these poor suckers just couldn't seem to have a kid for the longest time, so they decided to take the easy and very generous and kind-hearted way and adopt. They would have adopted a black baby to represent equality and lack of prejudice, but Brittany is white, so no go there. In any case, they adopted a weird- looking little baby with loads of make-up and dyed blonde hair (actually real-life Brittany dressed as a baby). They named her Brittany, which in their country, means 'why won't she go away?'.
"After they adopted her, there was much celebration and joy, for the 'baby' would never have to be looked at by people searching for a 'child' in that particular foster home ever again. And, just maybe, she'd turn out okay once she grew up."
~Yeah. Right.~
"Now who's interrupting? In any case, there was a big to do held for this 'kid'. King Tom Hanks and Queen Angelina Jolie pseudo-happily showed off their new 'child' to the residents of their kingdom. Queen Angelina 'accidentally' dropped Britney over the balcony, but unfortunately - fortunately, I mean, FORTUNATELY, I SAY - the 'baby' landed in a pile of hay and was unharmed."
"The King and Queen had invited the Backstreet Boys minus Howie and Brian to this gala event. All three showed up, despite the fact that they strongly wanted to stay home. As stated in the Law Book of Official Fairy Tales, they each gave a gift to the new princess."
"I give her the gift of looks!" AJ said, waving his cheap dollar-store wand about.
Some of the badly glued sparkles flew off, landing in the 'baby's' mouth and making her cry. Everyone covered their ears. Even as a 'child', Brittany had a terrible voice.
Kevin yelled over her screeching, "I give the gift of voice!" Then he swore. "Not that she needs it!"
"Just as Nick was about to grant his gift so they could get the hell out of there, a large explosion took place. After much of the created pink smoke cleared away - "
~What pink smoke?~
"Just pretend there's some. I'm on a low budget, here. Okay, after the pink smoke cleared away -"
~ But there isn't any!~
"AFTER THE PINK SMOKE CLEARED AWAY, a pink-haired woman was left standing in the middle of the ballroom floor."
"What the fuck is that racket?!" She yelled, clapping her hands over her ears.
"Just our new baby!" Tom yelled back, his ears also covered.
"Oh! All right, then!" The woman, P!nk, began to vanish.
"WAIT!" The crowd yelled. P!nk came back into focus.
"What?"
This time, AJ spoke up. "Aren't you supposed to put an evil spell on her or something to kill her?"
The crowd nodded.
"Uh, yeah, I guess." P!nk frowned, then pointed her long staff (really just a large, painted branch) at Brittany. "Be dead!" Then she whacked her on the head, causing the 'baby' to wail louder and swear occasionally. "Be dead, I say! BE DEAD, DAMMIT!" P!nk kicked the cradle, but to no avail.
Marcia, tired of this and aware that everyone else probably was too, stepped in.
"Here." She handed P!nk a script, then jumped off the stage again.
"Okay, thanks." P!nk looked the script over. "Um... It says here... 'Scario eternitius damndous.'" A bright yellow flash signified a spell.
~What spell, by the way? It was just yellow candy wrapping over another flashlight...~
"Oh, go away! What Scario eternitius damndous means is that the kingdom would live forever, and forever be plagued by Brittany's nasal whining!"
"Nooooooo!" The Queen and King fell to their knees. "Please, reverse this terrible spell! You were supposed to kill her!"
P!nk shrugged.
"Not my fault. I just read the script."
"Hey, maybe I can help!" Nick said, running over to Brittany, whose caterwauling had not yet stopped (and probably wouldn't for the rest of her life).
He waved his wand around. "Um... reverse this curse! When she pricks her finger on a spinning wheel at seventeen, she will die!"
"...seventeen?" The Queen repeated faintly. "That long?"
Nick shrugged. "Best I could do."
By this time, P!nk had vanished, probably to think up ways to make the death quicker.
King Tom snatched the baby up and thrust her to AJ. "You three raise her! We don't want her!"
AJ stared, nearly dropping Brittany. "You want me to raise this future whore?!"
"Yes." Queen Angelina shoved the three fairies out the door. "Now go!" She gave them all earplugs. "And may these save what will be the remains of your damned soul when she's through with you!" Then the door slammed shut and locked.
"This is just crap!" Kevin complained, ignoring AJ's attempts to give him the baby. "And we can't even drop her into the moat because then the story would be too short!"
"Yeah." Nick agreed.
Then the depressed three and the baby Brittany set off into the woods. On the way there, a loud crunch was heard, along with a short squawk.
Marcia rushed onto the set, dodging cardboard trees. "Oh, you poor, poor bird!" She lifted the deceased animal into her arms. "AJ, you meanie, you stepped on her!" Her eyes brimmed with tears. "I'll NEVER forgive you!" And she ran off the set, sobbing again.
"...I thought it was one of those toy birds that you put on your hand and it chirped..." Kevin said belatedly. After a few seconds, the foursome moved on.
~And, in those few seconds, seventeen years passed by for convenience's sake. Now the stage has Brittany - stop, kids, don't run! Come back! ...Well, there goes our audience. Bummer. - dancing and singing horribly through the forest. When suddenly, out of the blue, a tone-deaf pop singer just showed up and began dancing with her! Wonder of wonders! Cliché of clichés! This story had been beat with the cliché stick and run over with the cliché truck! Joy of joys!~
~Excuse my random bouts of pathetic sarcasm.~
~ This new male pop singer was named Justin. Unfortunately, not something I can make fun of, such as Justin Time. Nooooo. It had to be Justin Timberlake. Excuse me while I go gag.~
"You do that. Okay, as Brittany was dancing and singing and scaring away the birds - "
~Hey, I didn't know you were back from making a flood big enough to scare the living hell out of Noah.~
"Ah, shuddap. I didn't cry that much over p-p-poor Flu-flu-ff-ff-ff- y..." And Marcia burst into tears again and ran into a closet.
~....Fluffy? You called a bird FLUFFY?~
"You're so insensitive!"
~Riiiight. As Marcia was saying, Brittany was dancing and singing through the forest, she was found by a tone-deaf male pop singer!~
"Hello!" Brittany rasped in what was supposed to be a cute little-girl voice. "What's your size?"
"BRITTANY!" Marcia roared from her closet/story telling spot.
Brittany blushed and giggled. "Oopsie-daisy! I mean, who are you? I've never seen you around here before." She bat her eyelashes at Justin, who immediately turned into a pile of boy-goo.
"Duh..." Typical star-eyes.
"Awwwww! I'm going to take you home with me!" And with that, Brittany grabbed Justin's coat collar and dragged him off toward her cottage.
Meanwhile, the three fairies, Nick, AJ, and Brian (Kevin had been carried off by rabid fangirls earlier in the play. God save his soul.) sat around the cottage drinking alcohol. They were celebrating, as it was the princess's seventeenth birthday, and it was time for her to return to the castle so she could prick her finger and die! As you can probably guess, this called for a long celebration, so they were all very much drunk by the time Brittany and Justin came to the cottage.
"Oh dear fairies! Come and see who followed me home!"
Nick, AJ, and Brian stumbled to the door, occasionally falling over. When AJ finally managed to open the door, he fell right onto Justin.
"Ewewewewewew! The fairy touched me! The fairy touched me!" He shoved AJ off, who slumped to the floor, passed out drunk, his fairy wings twitching.
Marcia ran out of the closet/ story telling spot and leaped onto the stage, thwacking Justin over the head with a mallet for his comment, then ran off again to continue sobbing.
~After many strange looks, the play continued.~
"Who're yous?" Nick slurred, leaning heavily on the wall.
"This is Justin! He's my new boyfriend!" Brittany gushed, clinging to Justin's arm like an annoying piece of heavily-make-upped lint.
Justin nodded happily, looking like an ugly white T-shirt that the previously mentioned lint was attached to.
"Yes I am! We can begin a singing career together!"
~At this point, it seemed sure that not just the kingdom was doomed, but the entire world! Two tone-deaf people who can't write their own songs properly off on the lovey-dovey singing-and-writing spree? Dear Lord, send us salvation!~
Suddenly Jesus popped up from nowhere, for a reason that has nothing to do with this story "You called?"
~Or maybe just earplugs.~
P!nk had appeared in all her pinkish glory, waving her painted branch around in one hand and holding the script in the other. "Um.... dude, this writer chick is whacked... Okay! Spinning wheel thingy, we need your might! Send us a weird needle thing-a-ma-bobber with you attached to help us with our plight!"
~Thus ensuring much blinking.~
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Suddenly, a large blast that sounded way too much like a gunshot echoed around the room, and a black liquid splattered over all the cast members. In the midst of the confusion a spinning wheel appeared.
~Just pretend not to notice Marcia running off the set with a paint gun.~
"Wow, look! A sewing machine!" Brittany said happily. She alone was untouched, save for her clothes. Her layers and layers of make-up prevented any paint from touching her. "I've always wanted to try domestic stuff!" Like a moron, she touched the sharp needle of the spinning wheel. "Ow!" She stuck her finger in her mouth, grimacing.
"Wasn't she supposed to die or something?"
"Shut up, Nick, and pretend to be drunk. I'm not allowed murder or something stupid like that." Marcia had wandered back onto the stage again, trailing black footprints. "Hey, Brittany!" She said cheerily, raising a perfume bottle. "Try this new scent!" And thus, Marcia sprayed it in Brittany's face. I'm sure you all know what happened next.
THUD
Brittany had collapsed in an ungainly heap on the floor, snoring loudly.
"Off off off!" Marcia yelled, shoving everyone off the stage. Running behind the curtain, Marcia dragged out a card-board cut out castle. She dragged Brittany through the doors and dropped her onto a bedroll.
"Brittany!" Justin was currently trying to claw his way back on stage, barely held back by AJ and Brian.
"Just a second, lover boy," Marcia snapped. "I've got to put the thorns up and crap, right?"
She threw another paper to P!nk, who clambered back up onto the stage, reading aloud. "Thorn appearus and crapuso! ...What drug are you on, by the way?"
"Oh, be quiet." Marcia shot the paint gun at the floor again, re- drenching P!nk and herself in paint, this time colored green. With a wave of her hand, Marcia signaled to three women, who dragged Marcia's neighbor's uprooted rose bushes in front of the castle.
"Very good, very good." Marcia smiled, then positioned P!nk behind the thorns. "Okay, you guys, let him go!" Then she dashed off stage.
As soon as he was released, Justin bolted up onto the stage. Unfortunately for him, his momentum made him fall forward into the bushes.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" He yelled, leaping backwards and clawing at the thorns still stuck in his arms and legs.
"Baby." P!nk commented.
~Use the sword, you moron.~
At the sound of my voice, they all looked up (with the exception of Marcia).
"Oh my God! It's God!"
"Holy shit, it is!"
"OH GOSH OH GOSH OH GOSH!"
~Now, if I were God, they'd all be burnt to a crisp from a few well- aimed lightening bolts by now.~
~I'm not God, idiots, I'm just the voice in Marcia's head. Go back to the play.~
Justin was currently hacking at the rose bushes with his plastic sword -
"It's not my fault the real ones were over two hundred bucks!"
- but to no avail. Finally, one of the worker women who dragged the thorns onstage handed him some garden shears. With these, he quickly cut through.
"Ha ha ha, young prince. You shall never get past me.Cue evil laughter"
Marcia banged her head against a wall. "Stop reading from the script! It's only for the special effects!"
"Oh. Sorry."
Justin pointed his Deadly-Garden-Shears at P!nk. "I will avenge my love and rescue her from your evil spell, witch!"
P!nk gasped. "WITCH?! Why you..." And she proceeded to bash him over the head with her painted-branch staff, beating him into unconsciousness.
~Thus, Brittany slept on, and the world was saved and once more safe from talentless-ness .~
THE END
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~Until, of course, Marcia receives another random idea from me that will make readers question her already questionable sanity.~
"Ah, shuddap, Sori."
~Somebody save our SOOOOOOOOOOULS!~