Jim's Folly
This chapter takes place after the party, etc. Jim's gone home to Montressor for a little while before he returns to school full-time. He'll be living on-campus as to void any temptation of drugs, etc…you know, it'll work out that way. This chapter's longer. Yahoo!
Anyway, Jim's in Montressor, thinking about his dad. Duh.
Chapter Seventeen
Lyrics from Letssingit.com
Jim wasn't sure what to do that afternoon. Even as he sat in his room and stared out the window at the cloudy expanse that was his home, he couldn't imagine solar surfing. Since he'd been released from rehab fully and was able to walk on his own, he wasn't allowed to solar surf in the first place, let alone do any hard physical exertion. He smiled faintly. Guess that meant no phys ed once he returned to the Academy.
His heart skipped. But no dance class, either. Disappointed, he decided to think about something else.
Amidst the rebuilding of the Ben Bow, some of the rooms were finally complete and had been set up and were ready for visitors. Jim's room was one of them.
He turned from the window and walked over to the framed pictures on the wall.
He reached up and touched one of the pictures, a small, family photo of his parents, his mom holding him. They looked so happy. His dad was smiling.
Jim frowned. His dad hardly smiled since then.
Hey, Dad, look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Jim was heartbroken. Even when his dad spent a little time with Jim, it didn't fulfill the void that was deep inside his heart. Jim needed a father. He needed someone who would care when he was hurt, when he needed someone to lean on, someone to look up to. Jim's father, Leland Hawkins, had been the world to young Jim. Jim would often wait at the foot of the stairs for his father to come home, just so Jim could be the first to know what had happened at work that day.
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
Jim looked at the other pictures. One was of him with his first solar surfer. This was the one before he had built his own. Jim's knees were scratched in the picture and his hair was tousled. This had been after his first fall on his vehicle.
Even after crafting one of the vehicles all by himself, his father hadn't given it much thought. A simple "Hn, good work, Son," had been all Jim had received for his efforts. Leland had then walked away. He'd worked so hard to earn his father's praise and all he'd received in return was a "That's nice."
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that
I'm all right
And you can't change me
Jim didn't want to feel the tears burning in his eyes as he looked at the next picture. This one was of only him and his mother. The light had been taken from her eyes and while she was still smiling, there was no life in her smile. Jim was dirty in the picture.
That had been a few weeks after his father had left them that one, mild morning.
That had been the day Jim had decided there wasn't much to live for. His father didn't love him, his mother was always upset with him when he couldn't match up…what was Jim to do? He'd rebelled. Since age eleven he'd rebelled against the way things were supposed to be. Becoming a cold, cruel teenager was what he grew into. Jim's mother eventually got used to it.
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
He'd gotten his ear pierced when he was fourteen. He'd been with a dangerous band of friends at that time. His mother didn't like them. Jim was sure that at the time, his father probably wouldn't have, either. But what did it matter? Leland was gone, it wasn't going to make a difference what he thought or not.
Jim's heart ached as he looked at the Navy picture of his father. This was the picture that hurt the most. Jim's father was in uniform, showing importance, saluting to the camera. Jim's father was a somebody. He wasn't some family man with a rebellious child and a wife who stayed at home cooking all day. He was a somebody with a life who left to pursue bigger and better things.
Jim thought it was disgusting. Yet, a part of him, deep inside, wanted to be just like Leland Hawkins.
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
Jim left his room and climbed onto the roof. Pulling himself onto the metal, unfinished roof resulted in a complaint from his middle, but he ignored it. The pain faded after awhile.
Sitting on the roof and leaning against the chimney, he looked out across the skies and realized his longing to climb through them. Flying was an escape. He rode his solar surfer to escape the torment of being alive and achieved freedom.
He wished he was healthy enough to fly again. Even though Leland Hawkins had disapproved of solar surfers from the very beginning by claiming they were "dangerous and no son of his would ever ride one," Jim didn't care. Flight gave a certain freedom. It made his spirit soar.
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Sighing heavily, Jim considered leaving life forever and starting anew. Getting a new name, a new life.
He then thought of his mother and the few friends he had and decided that wouldn't be a good idea.
[Chorus]
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Jim's vision blurred with tears as he pictured Silver. Far from Leland Hawkins, Silver had been Jim's life. Since their adventure on Treasure Planet, Jim had heard nothing from the fiendish cyborg. It hadn't been often since he'd thought of the old scallywag, but there was still a place for him deep in Jim's heart. He wished that Silver had been his real father. He knew that even though Silver was hard on the outside, his heart was gold, and Jim knew just by Silver's subtle actions and remarks that he'd achieved approval.
Leland had never told Jim of the greatness he'd one day achieve. Jim had never heard things like "Didn't I say the lad had greatness in 'im?"
Silver had filled the void. But now Silver was gone, and Jim's void was empty. He wanted Silver to come back. More than he wanted Raven in his life, he wanted Silver to come back and spend time with him, teach him new things, tease him. Silver was the man and father that Leland never was, and never would be, no matter how hard Leland could try.
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
And nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Jim knew he'd never see his father again. His mother knew it too, but she seemed to be taking it well. Her intentions were clear; she was still married to the man, they were just separated. Jim wondered if Leland had another life. Perhaps Leland was married to some other woman and tormenting another boy's life, not giving him the attention and praise that he deserved and desired with every inch of his being.
Jim hoped that perhaps Leland had come to his senses and treated his new boy, if there was one, with everything Jim had missed out on and had found in Silver.
[Chorus]
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Ignoring the throbbing pain, Jim slipped back into his room and looked at the pictures one last time. The newest one was of Jim and his mother on his first visit from the Academy. Jim was in his cadet uniform and the two were beaming. Morph was happily cooing on his shoulder. B.E.N. was dancing in the background. All in all, the picture was full of happiness. Jim longed to feel it. Jim knew he would feel it again one day. He just knew that day might take some time before it came.
[Chorus]
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect…
---
Author's Note: Wonderful song, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian…)