Title: Those Three Words
Chapter: One- Forsaken and Fine
Place in time (applicable to all future chapters): Since the last episode of InuYasha I've seen with Kikyou in it was the one where she calls InuYasha to her after his fight with Kagura and Kanne and they talk for a bit, I'll just take it from there.
A/N: Don't worry, this won't be as long as the last one! I just wanted to let you know a few things. Okay, like I said before, in case you skipped over all that, I'm writing this fic to help purge myself of my inner demons which have been haunting me for the past few days. Kikyou's story completely and thoroughly depresses me, and also has me very scared to fall in love. I have yet to do so, and now I'm seriously considering never letting it happen. The heaviness in my spirit is still here, but I'm hoping that in writing this story I'll be able to save myself. So, the point of telling you all this? To inform you that I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing. I'm just making it up as I go along, which is probably the best way to do things. Therefore, your feedback really helps (unless you're one of those people, the ones who only read a fic to flame) and will definitely play an important part in shaping this story. But no, to all of you Kagome fans, I will not change the story to revolve around her. Besides, I'm not going to insult Kagome in this story, I prefer to stay above all of the brutal Kagome fans who do so to Kikyou. I'm not saying all Kagome fans are bad; on the contrary, my very best friend in the whole world is a Kagome fan (sure you won't reconsider?) and I love her very much. Yet, there are those meanies out there who are childish enough to visit Kikyou shrines and flame the owners for liking her, or write stories about "evil, bitch Kikyou" which I've seen numerous times. May I just say to all of those abhorrent people who do: You should be seriously ashamed of yourselves. Have you ever noticed that when there's something on your mind, everything can be applied to it? Well, that's what has gone on with me. Yet, two songs in particular stand out, and they are "Will You Still Love Me" and Dido's "White Flag". They just seem very relevant to my story and have helped inspire a lot of it. So, cheers to those two songs. Okay, now I'm listening to my newly discovered Norah Jones CD. I needed writing music. The song playing now is "Shoot the Moon". There, I'm done, really I am! Now to the story! Enjoy, and don't forget what I said about ideas. I really need them, and I'm sure to use some of them. I'll even credit you! Okay, so here it goes. I just hope I post this, because goodness knows that all of my other fics haven't seen the light of day.
This chapter is dedicated to: Hmm...who shall I dedicate my first chapter to? Erm...oh, I know! Okay, this first chapter is dedicated to all of the people who have made a Kikyou shrine. Thank you for helping me understand Kikyou and for portraying her as she really is. Not evil, or completely spiteful (partially, yes. Completely? Never.). Thank you for maintaining your integrity in a Kikyou-hating world. You have no idea how much that means to me. Though I thank all of you, I especially thank the owners of Melancholy and Shrine Maiden; your sites helped me so much!
Realizing that it was pointless, Kikyou stopped forcing her hand into the grass. The small green shoots weakly struggled upright, but couldn't return to their previous stance. "I should've known..." she mumbled, staring at her palm. "I'll never feel more." The body that Urasue had created for her could feel, yes, but significantly less than a normal body. Because she had her ashes, Kikyou could feel some things, but ashes and earth could never feel things like true flesh and bone could. So, though she felt a slight prick, her efforts to feel the cool softness were in vain. Kikyou sighed.
"Do you wish to ask me something?" Kikyou said aloud, apparently to no one. She did not turn, just kept looking out at the vast expanse of field in front of her.
Cautiously, a small boy crept out from behind the tree Kikyou was sitting against. "Y-you're Kikyou-san, right?" he said nervously, inching closer to the miko.
A small smile stole its way onto Kikyou's face, though not quite reaching her eyes. None of her smiles did these days. Children's essences were always so light and carefree, as they should be. Though he was nervous, his essence was comforting to her, momentarily making her forget about the turmoil that seemed to weigh down on her whenever she thought of it.
Breaking her constant gaze on the field in front of her, which she wasn't really looking at anyway, she turned her head to face the child. Her eyes widened at the sight of him. He seemed to be no older than nine, and his face was badly burned. The scars looked old, but they were disfiguring nonetheless. All of the shapes on his face seemed to meld together, resulting in an odd, rippling effect. The waves of pink and pale white were broken by two eyes, and though they were forced into a squint, Kikyou could just barely make out the color. Eyes were the window to the soul, she knew best of all because she had to learn how to hide behind them, but this boy's eyes were a color she forced herself to detest. Gold.
Before the boy could make a hurt expression in response to the subtle look of shock on her face, Kikyou was ready with a gentle smile. "Hello. Yes, you're correct, I am Kikyou. Did you need something?" she asked in a soft voice, gesturing next to her for the boy to sit.
The boy obliged, though sitting in a rather rigid way, as if he were afraid to relax. Looking up into the miko's eyes, he briefly wondered whether they were brown or gray. "Well...the other kids said that you were a priestess." He stated in a shaky voice, refusing to meet her eyes once more.
Kikyou placed her hand on his head, causing him to look up at her. "Yes, I am a miko."
The boy relaxed somewhat. "I-I was wondering...wondering if you could, er-would..." he trailed off, his hands twisting together in his lap.
Kikyou remained silent. He would tell her in time, and she would wait patiently until he was ready. Yet, something in his last sentence stirred something in her. She wasn't sure what or why, but she felt that heaviness creep up on her again, slowly making its way into that place just above her stomach, next to her heart.
He tried again. "I was wondering...if you could...m-make me," he paused, as if searching for the word. "Better."
The heaviness that she began to feel earlier was pushed swiftly aside by a sinking feeling in her throat. She hated it when she was asked to do things she couldn't do. She could make him better, she knew that. But, that would be a denial of Fate. The gods made him the way he was on purpose. It wasn't a question of making him better. It was making him different. He wouldn't be any better than he was now, on the outside maybe, but his spirit would be the same, perhaps damaged if she changed him. He'd become cocky, or find things to be easy and not understand the purpose of challenge. There was a reason he was the way he was, and Kikyou would never dream of defying the gods. That's what got her into this whole mess in the first place. No, she wouldn't change his appearance. She wouldn't be doing what he asked anyway. He probably meant 'better looking' when he said 'better', she knew that. But Kikyou was going to do exactly what he asked. Make him better.
"What do you mean?" Kikyou asked the boy.
He looked up at her in surprise. Did she not understand? "You know...fix me, make my face..."
"But that's different from making you better." Kikyou stated matter-of-factly.
"I don't get it..."
"You are perfect the way you are. You don't need me to fix anything."
"But my face..."
"Is that all you think you are? A face? No, child, you are more than that. So much more. You are a mind," she gently touched his head, "And a heart," she set her hand on his chest. Nearby her foot was a dandelion. She picked it and blew on it. The bits of fluff flew everywhere. "And a spirit."
The boy watched the dandelion pieces float away before he answered. "I'm...ugly."
"Are you really? You could have fooled me." Kikyou told the boy with a small smile. "Tell me, have you ever hurt someone very badly? On purpose?"
The boy thought for a moment. "No...not on purpose."
"Good. Have you ever done something stupid, something stupid that could've resulted in something serious?"
"No...no, I don't think so."
"Alright. Now, do you hate anyone? I mean, really hate someone?"
"No, I don't hate people. Some people make me mad when they make fun of me, though."
"That's fine. It's okay to be angry sometimes."
"I still don't understand..."
"Don't you see? You're mind is good, your heart is good, and your spirit is good. You haven't done anything stupid, you haven't hurt anyone, and you don't hate anyone. You can't possibly be ugly. In fact, you're a very beautiful person."
The boy looked up at her again. He had been staring at the place where the dandelion had been throughout the whole conversation. When he met her eyes, she saw tears in them. "Thank you...I get it now. I'm not ugly." The boy brusquely wiped at his tears, as though he didn't want them to fall to the ground. Kikyou knew the feeling.
"That's right. And don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. As long as you keep your heart, mind, and spirit good, you can never ever be anything but beautiful." Kikyou stated with a smile.
"Amatsubu? Amatsubu! Where are you? It's time for dinner!" A female voice called out.
"That's my sister, I'd better go." The boy seemed happier, though reluctant to leave. He seemed like he wanted to say something more but before Kikyou could ask, the boy lunged at her, embracing the miko. Kikyou's eyes widened with surprise. He lingered for a moment, then pulled away and stood. "Thank you again, Kikyou-san," he said. Amatsubu turned to leave, but then stopped. He reached down by his by his foot and picked a dandelion. "Here," he said, turning and offering the flower to the miko. "A thank you present."
Lost for words, Kikyou simply accepted the flower and nodded. Amatsubu smiled once more before turning away and running back up the hill towards the village.
Night was a time that Kikyou dreaded. It wasn't that she was scared for her safety; it was no question that she could hold her own, even with her damaged body. No, it was the introspections. During the day, there was always the threat, but usually something happened to distract her from it. Children would ask her to teach them about flowers, or a sick villager would need the care of a priestess. But in the night, her inner demons were free to haunt her relentlessly. Perhaps it was the darkness, or the slight chill she felt from the night wind, but something about the night meant that she always had to face her nightmares, even in, especially in, her waking moments. It was ironic, really, night used to be what she looked forward to the most...she loved the stars and the moon, and it was the only time she could meet- Kikyou shook her head arduously. She was not going to think about him. It was bad enough...she was an apparition, merely a restless spirit that was put in a makeshift body. Because of this, she could never move on. Just the sound of the words in her head sounded ridiculous. She hated him in death, but loved him as well. Love mixed with hate is always frustration. And that's what she felt now. It's what she felt now, and yesterday, and would feel tomorrow. But she was trying. Trying as best as she could in her situation. To get over him was impossible, she knew that full well, but she would try. She had no choice. Kikyou was sure that InuYasha loved her now. Her...could you call her a reincarnation? They were so different... It didn't matter. He chose Kagome over her, she just knew it. Even if he didn't say it, even if he chased her around whenever the hint of her appeared somewhere, he loved Kagome now. And if he didn't love her now, he would love her in time. If it were a choice between her life ('well, if you could call it that' Kikyou mused.) and Kagome's, he would pick Kagome. Already he'd forsaken her. But she would be strong. She would cope as much as her tortured spirit would allow. She would be fine. Kikyou sighed. The truth of the matter was that InuYasha's heart was no longer hers. The words gnawed at her heart. She subconsciously curled up closer to the trunk of the tree she was sitting in. The branch didn't even shift underneath her. She could never be free from him, her soul was tied to the memory of them. She couldn't escape...So many moments in which all she wanted was to die again, and rest. But she couldn't ever rest. Not anymore. Knowing he was alive, and with someone else would keep her turning in her grave for sure. She almost screamed at the unfairness of it all.
A light breeze blew against her, whispering loose some of the dandelion she clutched in her hand. It grazed her cheek, but she didn't feel it. It should've tickled her, but the only reason she knew it was there was because she saw it float away. Looking down at the flower, she smiled another one of her sad smiles. She was glad that she could help that little boy. Amatsubu...raindrop. Grateful for a different subject, Kikyou replayed their conversation in her head. It was then that she realized why his words affected her. " I-I was wondering...wondering if you could, er-would..."
Her village was having another one of those winters. The winters in which the day was deceptively bright, but bitterly cold. She had always wondered why the season even bothered to lie. Maybe it found it all amusing. After she had finished all of her duties in the village, Kikyou headed to the waterfall with the Shikon in hand. Another purification ritual for the jewel, a ritual that did not care how cold it was outside. Because her mind was so focused on getting through this one, she forgot to set up her spirit shield. Instead, she went straight into the waterfall, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible.
The freezing water pounded down on her as she stood, holding the jewel. She tried to relax her muscles, but she couldn't stop bracing against the waterfall's merciless course. Kikyou was sure that she wouldn't be able to separate her hands again and lower her arms from their prayer position and that she would have to sit by the fire for hours before it was even remotely possible. Trying to take her mind somewhere else, she sensed someone nearby. Because she was so cold and beaten, it was hard for her to sense who. It seemed to be a youkai, but she couldn't leave. Not yet. She'd been there for hours, and she was almost done. The color at the back of her eyelids told her that the sun was setting now, painting the sky with its reds and golds. If she could just hold on a bit longer... To Kikyou's surprise, the demon didn't attack, but it remained where it was. She felt an energy shoot through her bones, warming her for a brief moment before dying away and leaving her as cold as ever. This signified that the ritual was done for the day, and wouldn't have to be performed until spring. Grateful, though slightly disoriented, Kikyou stepped out of the waterfall carefully, making sure that her body was aligned just right so that the force of the waterfall would not push her face down into the stream. Her world was blurred, and all she could see was the pink tint of the sky dancing in front of her and the greens of the trees and grass near the stream. She made her way to the bank, but the winter wind bit at her mercilessly and her vision wasn't clearing. The last thing she remembered was her knees buckling and the dew on the grass soaking through to her legs, a flash of silver, and something strong grabbing her , its warmth making her frozen arm sting.
When Kikyou woke up, things were out of focus, and were she less disoriented, she'd wonder if her vision would be like that forever. Things became clearer though, and she found herself in the heart of a cave, the gray rock telling her that she was somewhere near the forest. There was a fire going, and she seemed to be nestled in a pile of furs. She was warm now, but very confused. Kikyou looked around her. There didn't seem to be anyone around. The cave was pretty much empty; just a fire pit, some furs, her clothes, some rocks- wait. Kikyou stared straight ahead, afraid to look back to where her eyes were before. She didn't see them, it was impossible, her clothes were right here on her body. She felt her leg, hoping to feel the cloth of her hakata, but to her dismay skin touched skin. She was...naked. Her, Kikyou, miko of her village, guardian of the Shikon no Tama, was naked in a cave that she had no clue about.
She sensed someone coming, but now that she was in her right state of mind, she knew who it was. The soaring feeling that seemed to come whenever he was near, the feeling that she always tried so hard to suppress soon turned into a shriveling feeling of embarrassment. Her new friend, her first friend, her only friend had seen her- she didn't even want to think it. Naked.
"InuYasha," she said breathlessly as he walked into the cave with a bundle of wood in his hands.
The hanyou started, resulting in a few pieces of wood clattering loudly to the ground. "K-Kikyou, you're awake," InuYasha said, his gold eyes growing large just before they shifted to the ground. "W-we were supposed to meet in our usual spot, but you weren't there so I got worried and I found you under the waterfall. When you came out, you collapsed, and I brought you here, to my den." InuYasha said shyly, somehow seeming just as embarassed as Kikyou was. She was soon to learn the reason why. "Your clothes..." InuYasha said, and it seemed like every bit of his attention was focused on the hem of her hakata lying a few feet away from him. "They were wet, and you were shaking, so I-" InuYasha stopped, swallowing.
After a moment of silence, both Kikyou and InuYasha spoke simultaneously.
"What were you doing anyway? You must be crazy!" InuYasha said forcefully.
"Thank you, InuYasha." Kikyou said coyly.
They looked to each other in surprise. After a moment they both laughed, breaking the tension between them. "You're welcome." InuYasha replied.
"I was purifying the jewel. The jewel! Where is it?" Kikyou looked around, panicked.
"Don't worry, it should be there, I wrapped it around your wrist," InuYasha replied nonchalantly, picking up the pieces of wood he dropped and bringing them over to where she was.
Kikyou pulled her left arm out from its hiding place beneath the furs, and saw the jewel, twinkling innocently at her. She cursed it for the umpteenth time. But something wasn't right. "You didn't..." Kikyou started.
"Didn't what?" InuYasha replied, busy tending the fire. The wood crackled brightly, sending some sparks out.
"You didn't...take it." Kikyou said, her hazel eyes large as they looked to InuYasha.
It took a while for InuYasha to take in what Kikyou said. He didn't take it. He could've, it would've been so easy, but he didn't. Up until she mentioned it, he didn't even notice that the jewel was right there, ready to be taken, practically asking to be stolen. He was too busy worrying about Kikyou. Not sure of what to say next, Kikyou saved him the trouble.
"...Thank you..." she said again, looking to the ground.
InuYasha rested his golden eyes on her. Kikyou was usually so...guarded. So serious. But now...she seemed vulnerable. Helpless. But he knew better. He smirked to himself. Even now, she could still give him a good fight. Not that he'd ever harm her...what? Did he just think that? No...it was a mistake. She was his friend, which was already severely breaking his hanyou code. He couldn't let it turn into anything more.
"InuYasha?" Kikyou asked gingerly. He looked to be deep in thought, and she knew how irritating it was to be interrupted when thinking, but this was something that couldn't wait any longer.
"Hmm?" InuYasha asked as Kikyou's features came back into focus. She seemed really...skittish. It put him in mind of...a deer, when you edge towards it slowly.
"C-could you turn around please? I'm going to put my clothes on." Kikyou said, clearly embarrassed.
"Oh- yeah, sure," He said, turning around and sitting cross-legged. He didn't understand why she didn't want him to see her; he'd already seen her naked anyway. 'Feh, humans...' he thought to himself.
After a few moment's rustling sounds, Kikyou's soft voice rang out through the cave. "Okay, you can turn around now."
InuYasha turned around to see Kikyou scooting closer to him. He absently thought that that waterfall had seriously addled her brains because the Kikyou he knew would never do any of these things she was doing now. "Thank you, for saving me." Kikyou murmured.
The hanyou's brains were apparently the ones that were addled, because he couldn't think of anything dashing or arrogant or proud to say. Instead he replied "I think you told me that already," It came out before he could stop it, leaving him feeling completely and utterly stupid. It was luck that he caught himself before slamming his palm into his forhead. As if he needed that to top it off.
Kikyou laughed, breaking the tension. She rarely ever smiled, so whenever she did, InuYasha was sure to keep it stored in his memory for a lonely day. "And I don't think you mind hearing it again." Kikyou brushed her fingertips lightly against the back of his hand. Before InuYasha could respond, she stood up to leave. "I'd better be getting back; Kaede will be worried." Kikyou said, taking care not to meet his eyes. She turned to leave.
Before he knew what he was doing, he was on his feet behind Kikyou, her hand in his. "Wait," he said.
She turned around in surprise, her eyes wide."What is it?" Kikyou questioned, her eyes reflecting the fire behind him. It danced across her face and in her hair. What was it? Even he didn't know. All he knew was that he didn't really want her to leave. Screw his hanyou code.
"I-I was wondering...wondering if you could, er-would..." InuYasha trailed off, his eyes once again resting on the ground. Kikyou did not say anything as she waited for him to finish. InuYasha took a deep breath and began again. "I was wondering...hoping that you cou- would," he swallowed. "Stay here with me."
The miko's eyes widened at him. Stay here tonight? She couldn't possibly...but in her heart she knew she wanted to. The journey home suddenly looked so much lonelier from this side of things. Before she realized it, she was nodding slowly.
"Really? Er-I mean," InuYasha took on a more gruff voice. "That's good." Realizing his hand was still grasping hers he quickly let go of it, but Kikyou reached out again and captured his hand in hers. The tips of her fingers were calloused from holding arrows and crushing herbs and mending wounds.
His hand still in hers, a pink tinge to his cheeks, he led her over to the fire which he put out with a pile of dirt nearby. He helped her in the dark into the pile of furs, and they curled up there, where they slept the best they'd ever slept before, somehow feeling more complete just being near each other.
Kikyou smiled at the memory, the movement of her cheeks nudging the tears welled up in her eyes loose. Before they could fall, Kikyou wiped at them roughly. "As long as they don't hit the ground, they don't count..." she mumbled to herself. Shifting slightly, finding a more comfortable position, she again looked to the dandelion in her hands. She had told the boy that he wasn't ugly. As long as he hadn't done anything stupid, hurt anyone on purpose, or hated anyone, he wasn't ugly. But what did that mean about her? She had done all three. Did that make her ugly? Kikyou already knew the answer to that. She found herself to be ugly, and all the good deeds she did didn't do anything to relieve the feeling of guilt that had been settled in the pit of her stomach since she had been...back. It was a part of her now, as was the heaviness. Sighing, she closed her eyes. "InuYasha..." Her whisper had coaxed more dandelion fluff loose. Looking down at it once more, Kikyou remembered that she used to tell the children in the village that if they blew on the dandelion and made a wish, the wish would come true. But what was her wish? There were so many things she wanted. Not a pretty ribbon for her hair or a flowery kimono, though she wished that was all she had to wish for. No, Kikyou wanted so many things. To be able to rest peacefully, for the Shikon to be gone from the world for good, for InuYasha to love her again... so many things. But to choose one? There were so many more than those...The miko thought for a few moments, barely noticing that the wind had taken up its harsh course again. When she was sure, Kikyou shut her eyes tight, made her wish, and blew all the rest of the dandelion away. She watched the pieces dance away up to the sky before resting her head against the trunk of the tree. She closed her eyes and another tear slipped out, but this time she wasn't able to catch it, and it fell amongst the patch of grass she had been forcing her hand into, desperate to feel. Sighing, she let the dandelion stem fall from her hands before disappearing to find a new village to try and belong in.