Title: Those Three Words
Chapter: Two- Try My Hand
A/N: Alas, no InuYasha/Kikyou flashbacks in this one. Sorry to all of those who enjoy them. But don't worry, they'll be back soon! I had to focus this chapter on a very important event. Well, I may be able to squeeze a mini one in here, but it's not going to be as detailed as the last. Anything to make you happy!
This chapter is dedicated to: All of the lovely people who wrote Kikyou fanfiction! I love you guys so much! Seriously, you made me feel so good just reading your fics, it's amazing how much fics can mean to people. Special thanks to the following (go out and read their fics!)- Leeman (You're bloody brilliant, kinda peculiar, but brilliant nonetheless), Queen (Your eloquence is definitely the subject of my envy), Amber Moon, Aino-kaachan, Azurite, Kylara (Mass thanks for the Kikyou article! I was saying "Yeah, that's right!" and nodding my head the whole time!), LonliestNumber, and Kalus (You made me cry so much when reading your fic, but trust me, that's a great thing! I never cry!). You all have such wonderful gifts, thanks for sharing them with all of us who love Kikyou. You make me feel highly inferior and completely unworthy, but that just makes me love you more. All hail these authors.
Inspired by: "The Painter" by Norah Jones. I'll include the lyrics at the end of this chapter, as I've finally got a song I know all the lyrics to! From now on I'll put these here, and you can listen to the song(s) that I list while you read if you want. It helps the mood, I guess.
Kikyou could feel the stares burning into the her back as she walked along the well traveled path. Some were girls muttering with envy, some were men whispering to their friends about her beauty, and some were older folk discussing her miko outfit. Fifty years hadn't changed too much.
"Miss! Excuse me, miss!" Kikyou heard a call behind her. Assuming it was for someone else, she kept walking. The sound of scurrying footsteps grew louder and Kikyou realized that this person was addressing her. She also noticed that he was very clumsy, judging by the sound his feet made as they dragged slightly in his run. Still, she pretended that she didn't notice him calling her. She wasn't really in the mood to deal with anything today. Well, the miko was never really in the mood, but today more than usual.
Slightly out of breath, the man finally caught up with her. "Ex-" he paused, trying to catch his breath. Kikyou kept looking straight ahead, choosing to just watch him from the corner of her eye. He was very thin, and he was carrying a paint set in one hand, and an easel under the other arm. The easel seemed almost larger than him. The two were certainly built the same. The man tried again. "Excuse me, miss, but I was hoping you'd do me a favor."
Her curiousity slightly captured, Kikyou stopped her swift stride abruptly, causing the man to walk a few more feet before realizing she had left his side. He hustled back to her, his mouth opening slightly.
"What is it?" Kikyou questioned a bit more harshly than she meant to.
"It's just...you're more beautiful up close." the man stated without any hint of embarrassment.
It was all Kikyou could do to keep from rolling her eyes. "Wasn't there something you wished to ask me?"
"Oh- yes, that's right! I'm a painter, and I was hoping that you'd pose for me. I'd like to paint your portrait."
As a reflex, Kikyou's eyebrows furrowed. "Why?"
"Well, I've rarely ever seen any mikos before, and I've certainly never seen any woman as beautiful as you in my life, so if you'd pose for me, I'd not only get to paint a miko, but the most beautiful miko there is. That to me would be a privelege." The man stated plainly.
Kikyou couldn't help but be suspicious. He was so...forward! "Is that all you want? For me to pose for you?"
The man nodded vigorously. "Yes, I'd just like to be able to paint you. I'll even paint two portraits, that way you can keep one and give it to your sweetheart." the painter offered, clearly trying to gauge whether Kikyou had a sweetheart to give the portrait to.
Something seemed to tauten in the miko's face at that statement, but she merely cast him one more suspicious glance before looking out over the road ahead. "Yes, alright then, I'll allow you to paint me."
The man was overjoyed. To Kikyou it seemed that as if he were restraining himself from jumping up and down and clapping his hands. "Thank you!" He extended his hand that held the small painting kit. "My name is Kusanagi, by the way."
Kikyou looked down at his hand for a moment, then met his eager gaze with an analyzing one. The miko merely nodded. "I am Kikyou."
"What a beautiful name you have," Kusanagi replied, and he continued as though he didn't notice her blatant denial of his offered hand. "Fits you perfectly. Kikyou, like the Chinese Bellflower."
Slightly impressed at his knowledge of flowers, Kikyou's eyes widened slightly.
"Ha, surprised that I know about flowers?" the man, Kusanagi, asked as if he read her mind. "I don't really know all that much about them, just about the Bellflower. It's one of my favorites! Amazing that now I get to paint a beauty with the same name."
Becoming slightly irritated at this onslaught of compliments, Kikyou began to walk again. "Where would you like us to go?" She asked over her shoulder as the man stood in the same spot, seemingly confused.
Snapping out of his brief daze, he again hurried to catch up with her. "Hmm...let me see...oh! I know, how bout that bridge just ahead? That'll be perfect!"
Kikyou nodded her consent, making a small noise to signify that she understood. She otherwise remained silent. The miko pondered why she was being so cold to this painter. Normally she was very friendly with villagers, but today she was in a wretched mood. The weather seemed to ignore her inner gloom though, as the sky was a bright blue, a few feeble wisps of cloud dancing across it. Kikyou began to feel guilty about being frigid with the painter, so she started a conversation. "Kusanagi, why do you paint?" Kikyou asked.
Kusanagi seemed startled that she spoke. "I-I'm not sure," he said. "I've never really thought about it before. I just love painting. I guess it takes my mind off of life's hardships. Keeps me from being too sad." he replied in a serious tone.
Before she could ponder this further, the two reached the bridge.
Kusanagi set up his easel by one of the sides of the bridge, facing out over the sparkling river underneath. While he was doing this, he thought of how he was going to have the miko pose. When he finished setting up, he stood there for a few moments more, appearing to be in thought. His eyes lit up as he created the perfect pose in his mind. "I've got it!" He exclaimed, turning away from the canvas and walking over to Kikyou, who had been standing at the railing of the bridge while he was occupied. "Okay...now, lets see. Kikyou-san, please sit on the railing of this bridge, facing towards the bridge, not the water, and look out towards me where my easel is." Kusanagi directed.
Kikyou did as she was told, and she mounted the top of the railing, her feet resting on the bar just below. "Like this?" she asked.
Kusanagi looked at her for a second, and then walked over and grabbed one of Kikyou's hands, both of which were holding on the rail on either side of her. He then moved it to her lap. Kusanagi walked back, staring once more at the miko. His constant stare was beginning to make her uncomfortable. "Something's missing..." he mumbled to himself. Again his face took on the pensive look as he searched for what was wrong with it all. After a few seconds, his eyebrows shot up. "I know! Wait there for me, please, I just need to go get something!" And with that, Kusanagi ran off.
Kikyou remained where she was, but after a few minutes she wondered whether he was playing a trick on her, just waiting to see how long she would sit there. As she silently scolded herself for being so stupid and prepared to jump off, Kusanagi came running back, holding a bouquet of wildflowers.
"O-okay," Kusanagi panted, making his way over to the miko. "Here," he said breathlessly, laying the flowers in Kikyou's lap. He stepped back, his hand going to the bottom of his chin. After a while he walked back to her, arranging her arm around the flowers. Kusanagi walked backwards once more, almost bumping into someone in the process. He didn't seem to notice, though, as a large grin spread across his face. "Perfect! Now, just stay exactly like that! Please don't move!" he exclaimed, hustling over to his canvas where he began to paint furiously, his brush making scratchy noises against the fabric.
Kikyou briefly mused that she wouldn't dream of moving, as it took so long for him to get her pose just so. She watched the painter as he worked frantically, black ink splattering his hand as he dipped his brush into the ink vigorously. She noticed his paintset nearby. It wasn't very elaborate, just a few brushes and various colors he probably made by crushing flower petals and berries.
The latter brought back memories of InuYasha, like the time when he asked her to teach him about plants like she did the village children. He wasn't a very good student, though; he didn't seem to be paying much attention, and he even ate a berry that she had distinctly told him was poisonous. She scolded him for not listening to her, but he said that the only reason he asked her to teach him was because he wanted her to smile at him like she did the children. This was early in their friendship, so Kikyou was slightly stunned at his remark. She didn't have time to think more on it though, as InuYasha started to feel the effects of the berry. When he was done vomiting in the bushes, Kikyou rubbing his back the whole time, InuYasha turned and looked at her with a pout. "Don't look at me like that!" Kikyou exclaimed defensively. "You were the one who ate the stupid berry; I told you it was poisonous!" InuYasha's pout just deepened. "But I was hungry..."
Kikyou smiled just thinking about it. It was a sad smile, as were all her smiles, but she had many memories on which she looked back on that could make her a little bit happy. But, sad smiles were the most she could ever do, as tragedy seemed to follow her around, as often as her own shadow. A part of the painter's earlier words resurfaced in her head. "...I'll even paint two portraits, that way you can keep one and give it to your sweetheart..." Would she give it to InuYasha? No, she couldn't do any such thing. What a silly thought. Kikyou chided herself for thinking such a thing. And yet, what was keeping her from it? Kikyou shut her eyes tightly for a moment. Kagome. Kikyou had already promised herself that she would back off. Kagome could make InuYasha happy, she knew that. Did she hate her for it? Maybe. But there was nothing she could do about it. She would just try to go on, to get through each day. To avenge her death (Kikyou smiled inwardly at how strange that sounded), she would see to it that Naraku went to Hell. And then? She would cross that bridge when she reached it.
Kikyou spent the rest of the painting session trying to think of something other than InuYasha and having everything she thought of remind her of him. How much time had passed, she didn't know, but the sun was beginning to set when the painter proclaimed himself finished. "My best work yet!" Kusanagi shouted excitedly, throwing his hands in the air. Passersby looked at him strangely before whispering to one another behind their hands. He paid them no notice, though, and he called out to the miko.
"Kikyou! I'm finished! And I've got your copy too! Come see!" Kusanagi yelled like a little child who had found a coin or a shiny rock.
Kikyou jumped down gracefully from the bridge, the bouquet in hand. She walked over to the painter, trying not to let it show how eager she was to see the finished product. She put many different possibilities in her head, but none of them came close to what she saw as she walked to the front of the easel.
There she was, sitting on the bridge, outlined in black with colors tinting her skin, the flowers, the river and so many other things ever so slightly. The black outlines gave it a sentimental yet dramatic effect, while the colors made you wonder whether your eyes were playing tricks on you because they were so faint, yet ever present. She thought to herself that it was a hundred times more beautiful than she actually was.
As if on command, Kusanagi spoke. "It doesn't do you justice, I'll admit to that, but I don't think anything ever could." he said thoughtfully, as if he wasn't saying these compliments to please her, but was simply voicing his opinions.
Kikyou chose to ignore the comment, as she didn't really know what to say. Instead she looked at her portrait more. Is that really how she looked? Her eyes swept over it, noting her hands and the flowers in them. As Kikyou's eyes moved up the portrait, she noticed something she hadn't initially. When she looked at her face, her eyes struck her. She didn't know that they looked like that. They were so sad. So...haunted. But memories of her love and betrayal forced their way into her mind. She looked again to her eyes. No, she didn't think that they looked like that. They should've been sadder.
Looking at the miko, Kusanagi noticed something move out of the corner of his eye. When he looked down, he saw that there was blood dripping freely from her hand. It seemed that she had stabbed herself with thorns. "Doesn't that hurt..?" Kusanagi asked tentatively.
Kikyou was slightly startled. She had forgotten he was there. She followed his gaze to her hand, where she saw the blood. She hadn't even felt it. "No, I am fine." Kikyou replied in a tone filled with finality, as if forcing him to drop the subject.
Kusanagi was looking at her fiercely, trying to read her expression. Unable to, he opted to just ask her. "Well...? What do you think?"
"It's..." Kikyou trailed off, searching for the best word to describe it. She couldn't find it, so she just settled for one. "Beautiful."
"So you like it?" Kusanagi said excitedly. "I'm so glad! Oh, before I forget, here's your copy." Kusanagi reached behind the portrait they were looking at and pulled out another one, completely identical to the original, right down to the flower petals.
Kikyou accepted the copy. "Thank you." she said to him, looking him straight in the eye. "You truly have a wonderful gift."
Kusanagi did not seem to expect a compliment from the introverted miko, because he was clearly stunned. Busying himself with putting away his equipment, he stuttered a response. "T-thank you very much, Kikyou-san," he said, backing up and knocking over his whole easel. The painting started to fall to the ground, and before Kikyou knew what she was doing, she caught it magically. It froze in thin air while the easel clattered loudly to the ground. Luckily there wasn't anyone on the bridge anymore, as the sun had already set. Kusanagi gaped at the floating portrait, opening and closing his mouth like a fish.
Kikyou drew the painting into her hand and took a step forward, offering it to the painter. Kusanagi accepted it from her, now turning his stunned gaze to Kikyou. He had finally gotten a hold of himself when Kikyou turned and began to walk away. "Wait-" he began.
Kikyou turned around swiftly, looking at him with a glare that dared him to say another word. When he didn't, Kikyou's expression softened. "Thank you very much for the painting, Kusanagi-san. I love it." And with that the miko turned around and walked away once more. Kusanagi knew better than to call after her. Instead, the still-stunned painter packed up his tools with shaking hands and headed home.
The miko decided to spend the night on the banks of the river. Finding a spot secluded by trees, Kikyou lay her portrait down carefully, far from the bank so that it would not get wet. Looking out towards the river, she took her slippers off too. Her shinidamachuu came to her, feeding her with new souls for the night. She asked two of them to guard her portrait while she headed down to the bank.
Kikyou looked down at her feet while she walked, seeing the dirt and rock touch her toes, but not feeling them. Her soul eaters teemed around her all the while, casting an eerie light on the water's edge. She could barely hear their whisper amid the noise of the softly rushing water. Taking a seat on the bank, Kikyou closed her eyes. She thought back to her day with the painter Kusanagi, reflecting on their conversation to keep her mind off InuYasha. She stopped at a certain point, playing it over and over again in her head. "Kusanagi, why do you paint?" "I-I'm not sure, I've never really thought about it before. I just love painting. I guess it takes my mind off of life's hardships. Keeps me from being too sad."
The miko smiled bitterly. "If that's true, then I should be painting every second of every day." she said aloud to her soul eaters. They seemed to glow a little brighter, as if they understood.
Next to her hand, Kikyou saw a small stick. Inspired, she reached over and picked it up, scooting back to reveal more of the bare patch of earth she was sitting on. "Lets see...what do I want to draw?" Kikyou mumbled, her soul eaters seeming take a break from their soul fetching to see what she'd do next. Some of them still had a soul in their possession. Kikyou didn't seem to mind; she was almost full anyway. "Okay...something beautiful, I suppose. Something I think is beautiful." Kikyou thought for a bit, the soul eaters hovering around her head as she did so. Kikyou let the twig touch the soft earth, and she drew a line. The soul eaters moved to shine some of their light on the spot she was drawing in. Kikyou did not really see what she was drawing. Instead she was thinking of what she thought was the most beautiful thing on earth. All was silent except for the river's rushing noise and the sound of the stick scratching in the dirt. Her soul eaters watched her progress eagerly at first, swarming around her quickly, as if excited. But as she got further on, they began to slow down and droop, hovering closer to the ground. Kikyou noticed and snapped out of her trance to see what was wrong. She looked down at what she had drawn.
She couldn't see it very well because her soul eaters moved away from the picture, as if not wanting to see it. Kikyou turned to the nearest one. It seemed to hover twitchily, as if it wanted desperately to leave. "Can you shine your light here please? I can't see," Kikyou asked. Reluctanly, the soul eater moved closer to the picture. It's fellows clustered near it, providing more light.
What met her eyes was a childish-looking drawing of InuYasha. He was stout and small, but she was sure it was him. She had even drawn ears. The stick dropped from her limp hands, and her eyes widened, then narrowed fiercely. She let out a small scream and clawed furiously at the dirt. Her soul eaters scattered, though they did not leave her side the whole time. Kikyou grunted as she attacked the damp earth, filling her fingernails with it, dirtying her hands until what was left of the drawing was a small hole. It wasn't fair, it wasn't. With one final swipe at the hole, Kikyou sent bits of dirt flying out into the river. She keeled over, her forehead in the soil, her fists pounding a sporadic beat in the dirt. When she was finally finished, her breathing was ragged and harsh. Her back heaved up and down in a desperate attempt to seize air. Her dissonant breaths seemed...wrong somehow, next to the rhythmical flowing of the river. Kikyou stayed like that for a while, and through small spaces in her curtain of hair the light from her soul eaters streamed in. She sat upright slowly, looking to them. They seemed sad. She smiled a sad smile at them, taking care not to disturb the pool of tears in her eyes. "Why is it that I'm so weak-hearted now? I'm not strong anymore..." Kikyou murmured, reaching her hand out to one of her soul eaters. It streamed slowly around her fingertips. "I used to be able to control emotions. But now," she paused. "Now I'm...so sad. That's why. Because I don't have him anymore. I was strong before him, but now that I know his touch, his love, I can't-" she stopped abruptly, taking a quick breath. "I can't be strong without him." Kikyou stated, desperately trying to keep her tears from falling from her brown eyes.
The soul eater weaving around her fingertips still had a soul in its grasp. She brought her hand closer to her face, the soul eater following. It's transparent eyes looked into her somehow darkened brown ones and a tear escaped her eyes, streaming down her cheek. Still holding her hand up to see the soul eater better, Kikyou noticed that it was shaking slightly. And then, it too shed a tear. The tear fell into the soul in its mouth and the soul eater then moved forward to deposit the soul inside Kikyou. She felt warm for a moment, and then very cold. Her other soul eaters began to swarm in her field of vision, and she noticed that they cried as well. Their tears hit the ground surrounding her, leaving a pearly glow in their wake. Finally, Kikyou couldn't control it any longer. She wept. She wept bitterly, her hands scrunching around the fabric of her hakata, balling it in her fists. All the while her soul eaters stayed with her, their swarming becoming a dance. When she ran out of tears to shed, Kikyou looked out to the river. "InuYasha..." she whispered, barely audible over the noise of the river. Feeling as if she'd burst with the frustration, Kikyou slammed her fist into the ground, and then winced, exhaling sharply through her teeth. That hurt...That hurt? Kikyou looked at her hand with wide eyes, seeing crimson blood pool slowly around a small wound. The light of her soul eaters made it seem to be a strange grayish color, but she knew it was red. Suddenly a wave of feeling washed over her and she felt the aches and stings of wounds she had amassed. The palm of her hand stung from being pricked by numerous thorns in that bouquet of wildflowers, her fists had small scrapes in them from beating the ground earlier, and she noticed a rock digging into her knee. She was cold and her legs were wet from the damp sand soaking through her hakata. And yet, she hadn't been this happy in a while. She could feel. She looked to her soul eaters in surprise, and they twinkled back happily at her before fading into the night.
"My emotion...?" Kikyou questioned in response to what they had communicated to her. It didn't matter. She could feel now. The words sang in her head. Pain, yes, but now she could feel warmth as well. "Thank you...my friends..."Kikyou whispered into the night air, knowing that they had heard her.
If I were a painter,
I would paint my reverie.
If that's the only way for you to be with me.
We'd be there together, just like we used to be,
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see.
And I'm dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face,
And I think my brush could take me there.
But only if I were a painter
And could paint a memory.
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you.
And I'm dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face,
And I think my brush could take me there.
But only if I were a painter
And could paint a memory.
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you.
I'd climb inside the skies to be with you.