Title: Those Three Words
Chapter: Three- Envy's Double Edge
A/N: Yes, back to the InuYasha and Kikyou scenes! Hope you missed them, but weren't too distraught by their absence. I had attempted to start this chapter several times, but nothing I ever wrote seemed right. Last night was that episode about InuYasha choosing Kikyou and then Kagome being all upset about it and them holding hands and augh! It really really upset me! I actually cried and said " I hate you, Kagome" and "I hate you, InuYasha" over and over again. I try, I really do, not to hate them, but sometimes it's so hard...hmm, maybe I'm doing a bit too much character exploration here...ah well, it served one purpose! To provide me with my muse! Yay! You came back! However, though I have my muse, my memory is as poor as ever, so a major gomen to all of you for my botched attempt at writing that conversation between Kikyou and InuYasha at the Goshinboku accurately. I don't know it word for word, heck, I'm missing huge chunks of it! In fact, I don't really remember the exact words of anyone, so I'll just try my best to make it sound convincing. Who knows? Maybe I'll get some of it right. Could someone perhaps tell me where I can find a good episode summary with direct quotes? I've only ever been to InuYasha world.com, so I'm open to new places. Oooh, and a good summary of episode 15 would be nice too. I only know the basics, not the actual kawaii scenes between Kikyou and InuYasha. Anyway, again, gomen in advance. You've got a long chapter ahead of you, so don't forget to stock up on snacks and beverages! Some Naraku bashing in here, hope you enjoy! Does anybody actually like Naraku...? Hmm...Ooooh! Yay! A special thanks to Chris Rijk at the West of Tokyo Club for having all of those wonderful InuYasha manga translations! Thanks to him, now I can provide you with the manga dialogue for Kikyou and InuYasha's conversation at the Goshinboku. I'm going to use all of the same dialogue (maybe mix it together with whatever I can remember from the anime), except for the ending part. For that I'm going to use the anime version of events, that way I can still have that Kikyou-holding-a-knife-to-InuYasha's-throat ending. Even though the manga's ending is so much sweeter (^_^) This chapter promises to be really long, so I may split it into several parts. Maybe.
This Chapter Dedicated to: EddieMunster! Thanks for the e-mail, you've really helped me find my true muse. It seems that this other one I had thought returned to me was an impersonator! How dare they impersonate my muse! But, you've really helped me discover my true muse once more. Like I said in my e-mail, I tend to morph into the writing style of the author whose work I read last. Since I read your e-mail, I think that my true creativity has quite possibly returned to me. Let's hope so. I had already written the first... five paragraphs (including dialogue) before I recieved your e-mail, so my style may change abruptly. But thank you again. I was in a real slump, but I was all smiles reading your e-mail! Oh, and a quick shout out to shinsetsu no kokoro AKA Sango-chan. Your fic was so great, and apparently we are alike in the sense that we both love compromise! Major props.
Inspired by: "Wishing I Was There" by Natalie Imbruglia and "Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLachlan (Bunches and bunches of thanks to Angela at Sarahfan.com for all of my Sarah McLachlan lyrics!). I'll definitely be using these songs as inspiration for many more adventures; they're all just so applicable, so fitting! So, expect to see these songs in future 'Inspired by:' sections. Oh, that reminds me, I forgot to do my little disclaimer here! People will sue for anything nowadays...so, of course, I don't own any of these songs or songs I've referred to prior to this, as well as songs I will refer to in the future. These songs belong to...whoever, the record label, the writer, the artist, I really don't care. They belong to someone that is not me. There, ha! Can't sue me!
A dimming haze seemed to blanket her vision as she hung the kimono on the clothesline. Her hands didn't seem to be her own, moving of their own accord to arrange the soft, damp fabric. She certainly wasn't telling them to do that; no, her mind was somewhere completely different, focused on the events that took place at the Goshinboku exactly two nights ago. She played it over and over in her head; dissecting it, analyzing it, enjoying it. Regretting it. But no matter what she felt, every feeling towards it made her want to watch it again, to look for some kind of sign in his eyes, anything, that might give her some answers. Questions? She had none that she could think of, but she knew there were many. Absently picking up the next article of clothing, Kikyou moved down the clothesline, the childrens' laughing and the villagers' chatter swirling together before fading into murmurs at the back of her mind.
She had sensed Naraku following her for a while then, his chilling aura severely annoying the miko. It put her in mind of a housefly; its buzzing sound driving you mad, while never touching you the whole time. Just that irritating buzz. The same could be said for that creature, Naraku. He didn't do anything, he just watched. Just sat and watched. Kikyou could only guess what was going on in that bastard head of his. It was all bitterly amusing to Kikyou, but only because she knew why. Why he followed her around like that, why he couldn't kill her. Mirthless laughter escaped her at the mere thought. Poor Naraku was in love. That thief she had cared for, Onigumo, his heart that had loved and desired Kikyou still lingered inside the being that was Naraku. How pathetic.
Sensing his essence once more, Kikyou had had the final straw. She would take a swat at this fly, maybe then it would leave her alone. Leaving her task in the village, the miko headed into the woods, towards the source of the aura. The leaves whispered ominously as if they too knew of the repercussions that this meeting would soon bring. Kikyou was highly aware of the absence of that familiar weight on her left shoulder, as well as the emptiness in her hands that was the place of her bow. Yet, it didn't matter-- he wouldn't, couldn't harm her. A malicious smile forced its way onto the miko's face.
"Naraku!" she yelled forcefully. "I know you're here! You've been following me for a while now," Kikyou let that sentence hang, as if she were hinting to him her knowledge of his predicament.
"Ah Kikyou, sharp as ever, I see." Naraku said cordially. Kikyou forced out a laugh, but as the light sound reached Naraku's ears, he seemed to falter slightly. Shaking himself out of it, he questioned her. "Do you find something amusing?"
"Well, let's just say that I'm sharper than you could ever imagine. Dear Naraku, do you honestly think that I don't know about your little...hindrance?" she allowed herself another malicious snicker. "I know about the fact that Onigumo's heart, his heart full of lust for me, still beats within you." Kikyou imbued a subtle emphasis into her last words, resulting in them practically dripping with hauteur.
A sudden gust of wind blew at the miko, swirling leaves and debris towards her. She shielded her face, momentarily surprised. And with that, Naraku's aura faded away. She hadn't expected that reaction, but she got her desired result nonetheless. For now, Kikyou was free from that nuisance of a housefly. Yet, the portentous whisper of leaves in the forest remained, leaving Kikyou to wonder what was to come.
She had been tending to injured villagers when she found out why there was that forboding feeling everywhere. The miko sensed an evil presence, similar to that of Naraku, meaning that it was probably one of his underlings. Swirling lights could be seen in the distance, and Kikyou was quick to recognize them as dead souls. Not long afterwards, a large snake-like being that resembled her own Shinidama-chuu emerged from the sky above, complete with its own entourage of dark clouds.
Kikyou hastily asked a man if she could borrow his horse, along with a bow and some arrows. Stunned, he said yes as if he didn't even register the question. When all was said and done, Kikyou was riding through the forest, dodging branches that seemed to swipe at her as if they were trying to scare her away. No sooner had she emerged into the full sunlight before she was met with the edge of a cliff. As if that weren't enough, the strange demon was not far behind her.
She dismounted her spooked horse and shot at the demon. She missed. As though she were being punished for her poor marksmanship, she felt a painful wrenching near her heart, fortelling the escape of souls from her body. Their light swirled around her almost bitterly before going to join their fellows inside the demon. Kikyou shot again desperately, her next arrow being further off course than its predecessor. More souls left her earthen body, and the miko didn't know if she could bear that pain again. She didn't have long to wonder though, because the demon flew straight towards her immensely weakened self, and Kikyou lost her footing resulting in a vague feeling of flying just before she made violent contact with a clump of bushes lining the cliff's edge.
How she wished she could die then, more intensely than usual. Her broken body reminded her achingly each time she took a labored step that she could indeed feel again. Death would surely be better than all this suffering, so why didn't she just keel over and die? Why indeed...but Kikyou knew why. It was a thought that haunted her every day and every night, never truly leaving her brain. She couldn't die until he did. Him, her InuYasha. It was her job to protect him, his life was hers. These words echoed around in her brain, resonating against the walls of her mind. His life was hers. And so, she couldn't die. She couldn't leave this planet, a place she'd come to know as an alternate Hell. Every second of every day was filled with her struggling, with her suffering, but she couldn't leave. She was tied down to this realm by her obligation to the one she loved and hated at the same time.
Therefore, Kikyou forced her feet to move forward. She pushed her body of holy bones and soil to its limit, trying desperately to put distance between her and the soul-stealing demon. Everything was starting to look the same, almost familiar, causing Kikyou to wonder absently whether she'd been going in circles. It was impossible, she was sure she had been going straight the whole time, but a heavy fog was settled around her brain as her energy seeped out of her with every step she took.
A sudden burst of sunlight blinded her as she emerged from the forest. She had to squint at first, and she bemusedly wondered whether the sunlight would knock her down. She was so weak, she wouldn't be surprised. Yet, something occured to force Kikyou abruptly from her dazed state. It shoved her into a state of complete awareness, making her alert and tensed, even if only for a moment. She had heard her name. Someone had called her name, and there was no mistaking the voice. It was the voice that never left her mind. It was the voice that her ears had longed to hear for so long. A voice that forever played inside her head.
However, her physical state overruled her heart's desires, so despite the surge of adrenaline through her veins, the feeling of immense exhaustion smothered that tingling feeling that flew through her body. Leaning on her bow for support, she struggled to speak. Her dry lips worked to form the words, but her throat merely constricted, resulting in a strange gurgle. She tried again, and though she was near to collapsing, she managed to force her throat and her lips to work together, choking out "Inu...Yasha..." in a cracked and raspy voice.
All that happened next was a blur to her. She remembered little of it, but what she did remember clearly was that feeling that she loved so much. For a moment, if only for a moment, Kikyou felt like all of this...suffering was a dream. Everything was back to normal, fifty years hadn't passed, and she was still with her InuYasha. And all because of what she was feeling at that instant. She was...flying. InuYasha's strong arms were around her, and the wind whipped through her hair. The air bit at her face, and all was right with the world. He was carrying her through the air, leaving their worries behind.
When they reached the ground, though, it seemed that with that jarring impact, all of her troubles came flooding back to her, just as harshly as the landing. She remembered feeling something scratchy on the back of her head, tangling in her hair. Tree bark. He had set her down against a tree before going to face that demon. She wasn't sure if she was imagining it or not, but she could've sworn she'd heard InuYasha talking to himself.
"...That thing intends to rip out the dead souls from Kikyou and break her body..."
"...I'm already broken..." were the words Kikyou wanted to say, but all that came out was a feeble groan. Everything went blank after that.
The next thing she knew, she could feel the energy coming back to her in short bursts. Her shinidama-chuu were giving her souls...
"Hang on, Kikyou, your insects are collecting up the dead souls..."
InuYasha? Was it really him? He stayed with her...he could've just left her, but he stayed with her. She wanted so much to ask him why, along with some other things, but all her weary body could say was "Inu...Yasha...?"
"Kikyou! You can talk?!"
'Of course I can talk, silly. Don't be a fool! I'm not dead! Well...' "Why...are you here?" Kikyou forced out.
"That's my line," InuYasha said playfully, his shadow looming over her and blocking out the sun. Kikyou was glad...it was starting to become irritating, all of that sunlight... "Why are you here?" InuYasha continued.
'Stop talking to me...please...let me rest...Ha, you'll never let me rest, how silly of me...' Yet, all of these thoughts took second place to what InuYasha was asking her. So, they remained in her head, thoughts not spoken. "While the youkai was chasing me...and I was running...before I realized it, I had come to the village...where I was born...and lived...and met you..." You would think that the common saying 'born, lived, and-' would be completed by 'died', but for Kikyou, it seemed that meeting InuYasha was the same. She would've smiled at the irony of it all, but she was too weak. She felt a surge of bitterness towards the hanyou, as all of her introspections and frustrated musings rushed back to her, flooding her brain until it was full of hatred once more. She didn't want to hate him, but she had to. She wouldn't let all of her work, all of those nights spent convincing herself that she didn't love him or need him, go to waste. It was better that way. "and also...you were here too, InuYasha..." Kikyou finished.
"So you came to find me...knowing that I'd rescue you..." InuYasha mumbled.
A small pang of pride and resentment shot through her chest. "Don't be a fool," she scoffed. "I can take care of myself." Kikyou left a bit of a pause to further emphasize what she said next. "I don't need you."
Kikyou was met with a ringing silence, so she took it as her cue to continue on. She could feel something coming from this tree...a certain...heaviness, much like the heaviness that always settled in her spirit whenever she allowed herself to think of InuYasha. 'Oh...' Kikyou thought. "Fifty years ago, at this place...I shot an arrow thorugh your chest, and my life ended as well..." she said aloud, reasoning it all out.
"Yeah..." InuYasha said, as if he didn't know why she was bringing this all up.
Kikyou could sense it, and she herself wondered why she was saying this. 'Because...he has to know...' she thought. 'He has to know...how I feel...how Naraku feels...it will help him to be better prepared...' She had to tell him. "InuYasha...why do you think Naraku caught us in a trap...and made us hate each other?" she could feel herself regaining a bit of strength.
"That's...to corrupt the Shinon no Tama," InuYasha answered, reminding Kikyou vaguely of a student who was trying to answer a question carefully. "By tainting your heart, which keeps the jewel cleansed, with hatred...for me." his last words seemed forced out, as if he himself were unable to believe it.
Kikyou almost let out a snort, but her genteel upbringing made sure she didn't. Instead, she settled for a slight scoff. "Hmph, that's...just an excuse. Even without corrupting my heart...if Naraku just touched the Shikon, that would've been enough to corrupt the jewel."
"Kikyou...what are you trying to say?" InuYasha asked, not quite connecting the pieces yet. It was as though he didn't want to.
"The remains of Onigumo's heart inside Naraku...wanted us broken up." she accented her last few words, as if they were an answer that was imminent, but one that she hated to hear. Her voice saying those words had spoken volumes about her torture. But it was wasted on InuYasha, for he was still too stunned to catch any details whatsoever.
"O-Onigumo's...heart?!"
Kikyou continued in a bitter tone. "That wild thief...wanted me for himself. Purposedly inducing me to kill you with my own hands...was a fantasy of the atrocious jealousy in Onigumo's heart."
InuYasha, still clearly confused, tried to find a ground he was familiar with. So, instead of asking more questions, he reprimanded the thief. "Jealousy? What a meaningless reason to..."
Upon hearing this, Kikyou felt slightly offended. He didn't understand! He didn't know what it felt like to watch the one you loved adore someone else. Granted, she still hated the thief, but she understood now how he felt. She wouldn't have minded watching InuYasha kill that girl, Kagome...no, what an evil thought...but she couldn't deny that it was true. InuYasha had no idea what that pain was like, and it made her hate him even more. She hated him for not understanding, for not having to suffer as she did. But she tried to be patient. "Yes, it's meaningless...but also very human."
InuYasha, however, was still trying to digest what she was telling him. "Onigumo's heart remains inside Naraku...?! Wait a sec, Kikyou...that means...Naraku's feelings for you..."
"He probably doesn't want to admit it, but...at any rate, it seems those feelings remain... to try to remove those feelings, he attempted to kill me off..."
The pieces seemed to slide into place, for Kikyou saw something spark behind InuYasha's amber eyes. Shortly after, his jaw seemed to set, as if he were gritting his teeth. "Ugh..."
Hold on...was he jealous? No, it couldn't be...he didn't care about her, he really didn't. But no matter how many times she told herself that, Kikyou could feel a small glimmer of hope twinkle inside her. Maybe, just maybe, he still loved her! Kikyou shook her head. No...no! He was just playing with her again! Playing with her heart, throwing it in the air and threatening to let it drop to the ground and shatter. She wouldn't let him. "Enough small talk, InuYasha," Kikyou said with as much hostility and boredom as she could muster. "My body has filled up with dead souls." she said, standing up on quivering knees. It was a lie; she hadn't quite filled up, but she had to get away from him.
"Kikyou!" InuYasha called. "You're...intending to destroy Naraku by yourself, aren't you?! That's no good!" InuYasha stepped closer to her.
Kikyou's urge to leave was momentarily curbed by a feeling of pride. Just who did he think she was? She could take care of herself; she wasn't weak, she didn't need anyone to save her. She most certainly wasn't even close to her reincarnation, always crying for help. No, she was Kikyou, and she didn't need anyone. An offended tone found its way into her voice, no matter how she tried to disguise it as indifference. "InuYasha...I am a miko. By fighting with my spiritual powers, I can completely remove him from this world." A slight bit of arrogance and haughtiness tinged her words.
"I'm not talking about that! That someone like Naraku," and here InuYasha's voice lowered significantly, as if Naraku was some kind of lowly bandit that InuYasha looked down on and found disgusting. Which was only partially untrue. "is in," InuYasha paused and swallowed, seeming as though he didn't want to say it. If he didn't say it, maybe it wouldn't be true... but he continued, his next word distinctly imbued with a combination of disgust and sadness. "love with you...it makes me sick." Finally finishing his sentence, InuYasha shook his head vigorously, trying to rid himself of that prick of jealousy in his chest, his silvery bangs catching light as they brushed against his tightly closed eyes.
Before Kikyou could react, InuYasha grabbed her roughly by the shoulders. 'Please, don't do this...don't make it harder than it already is...I don't think I- I know I- can't deal with it, I couldn't handle it if you said any more... Why, InuYasha...why do you keep hurting me so...? Please, stop it...Don't say anymore...'
"Kikyou, you...you said that my life was yours," InuYasha said gently, his golden eyes searching her dark brown ones.
Kikyou could see where this was going, but her mind was in a state of numbness. 'Stop. Stop right there, not another word...'
"In that case, your life is mine!" he said, his voice rising passionately.
No. Kikyou tried to pretend that he hadn't said it; that she just imagined it, and that he didn't really say those words. But it was a waste of time. How could he...? How dare he! How dare InuYasha do this to her. Make her feel as if there was hope that he still loved her. It wasn't fair, it wasn't. Yet, despite her rage, all that she wanted to say, all of her questions and angry sentiments, took the form of a simple and softly spoken "InuYasha..."
"Kikyou...there's no way I'll hand you over...to the likes of Naraku." that same disgust found it's way into his voice again, but instead of shaking his head or saying more, InuYasha did something that Kikyou hadn't expected. Something that she dreaded, but at the same time, desired, needed. He pulled her forcefully into a strong embrace.
Her knees almost buckled then, not from weakness, but from the weight of his actions. He had no idea what he had just done. In that single act, InuYasha had erased those weeks of hard work that Kikyou had strived so much to keep. With his embrace, he threw it all away. All of the nights that she lay down alone, by herself, trying desperately to pretend that she wasn't lonely. All of the hours of introspection in which she tried in vain to convince herself that she didn't need him. That she didn't miss him. All of her time, her work, gone and wiped away in that one instant. Weeks of her time, her tears, gone. And she hated him for it. She loathed him, abhorred him, completely and totally despised him. But she loved him so much...
"Let go of me...!" Kikyou said, trying fervently to sound like she meant it. She was pretty sure she failed. She dug her fingertips into his flesh, attempting to push him away, but he wouldn't move.
"Never." he said into her hair. "If you're attacked again, just like now...who will protect you?! I'm the only one who can!" he said firmly.
'Oh InuYasha...you're saying that from the heart, aren't you...?' No, no, it wasn't real. He didn't mean it...
His next sentence sounded very frustrated. "I can't take it any longer! I couldn't stand it even if...that measly Naraku sees you, or hears your voice...and that's not to mention how I'd feel if I lost you again." InuYasha hugged her tighter, burying his face in the crook of her neck, ignoring the strong scent of soil and death, sifting through it all to find her real scent, that one that was uniquely hers. And he found it. Kikyou's fragrance, that of rain and incense, wind and honey. There was only one other scent that was similar to Kikyou's, but even her reincarnation didn't have a scent that was quite the same. His thoughts were then brought to Kagome.
Kagome...a twinge of guilt struck him then, but whether he was guilty about thinking about Kagome when he was with Kikyou or being with Kikyou when he should've been with Kagome, he didn't quite know...
In the meantime, Kikyou was facing an internal struggle of her own. What she wouldn't have given to be able to stay like that forever. To feel safe in his arms and pretend, if only for a moment, that InuYasha still loved her. She could hear the dull thud of his heartbeat, a sound she hadn't heard in so long, and she was...happy. Kikyou had forgotten how that felt, and to finally feel that peace was somewhat overwhelming. But welcome just the same. And yet, something nagged at her, an urgent feeling seeping through her slowly. Like...poison.
She wasn't sure why she wanted to get away; perhaps it was because of the pain of rejection that she felt constantly after that night she tried to take him to the afterlife with her. Or, perhaps it was because she wasn't really sure if he loved her anyway. That Kagome girl seemed to have gotten pretty close to him... And maybe it was because part of her still hated him for everything he put her through; resented the fact that he didn't seem to face that pain of loneliness every moment that he was alive. He wasn't forced to endure the ache that never leaves the part of your chest where your spirit resides. InuYasha had moved on so quickly, forgetting about her and finding love in another. Her reincarnation. Kagome.
Whatever her reason was, Kikyou knew that she had to leave. It wasn't a choice; it was necessary and imperative that she get away from him. Every moment that she stayed in his arms was another moment that she would be haunted by him later. She didn't need that; her very existence was consumed with his voice, his face, his essence.
So, Kikyou steeled herself up for what she was about to do. She mustered every feeling of resentment and hatred towards InuYasha that she had, trying to project it onto her face. It pained her so much to do this to him, to break his heart this way. It was all she could do to keep from getting on her knees and begging him to stay with her forever, to take her with him on his adventures and wherever else he went. She wanted desperately to tell him that she thought of him every second of every day, and that she loved him and cherished him and never wanted to leave him. Kikyou wanted to reveal to him her true feelings. But, all she could do was detach herself from her body; just watch herself make the motions, pretend that it was someone else and not her.
InuYasha felt Kikyou stiffen in his embrace slightly when he thought of Kagome. 'Could she tell...? Can she read my mind...?' Yet, despite the sudden sinking feeling in his abdomen at the thought, InuYasha did the only thing he knew to do. He hugged her tighter. Maybe he thought that he could squeeze the doubt out of her, only leaving her feelings for him. If she had any besides hatred, that is...He heard her sigh somewhat forcefully when he did this, but he wasn't sure if it was because he crushed it out of her, or because he reminded her of where she was. It didn't really matter to him. Nothing mattered but the fact that she was here with him now, and she didn't hate him. At this thought he seemed to swell, an almost giddy feeling coursing through him. He wanted to jump up and down and laugh, he wanted to yell at the top of his lungs that Kikyou didn't hate him and she could maybe even love him again. But, a moment after this thrilling thought occured to him, InuYasha's mind was wiped clean when he felt something cold press against his neck.
"Wha-" InuYasha began, pulling away from Kikyou just enough to see her face. Her eyes were strange and clouded, and for a moment he thought she was posessed or something. A wicked smile crossed her face, lining its porcelain planes with lines as harsh as her grin. She let out a derisive laugh that tickled his cheek with warm air. It chilled his heart.
"Ha, men. Such fools. You think that with just one embrace, a woman is yours." Kikyou's voice was cold and flat, tinged with boredom and anger, laced with...amusement. Every word seemed to be emphasized, driving pointed daggers into InuYasha's mind. Kikyou enunciated more than earlier, and if she were talking to anyone else, it would all sound somewhat scripted. But to InuYasha, it just sounded like hatred.
"Ki-" InuYasha was stopped abruptly this time by something sharp being pressed onto his throat. It was that cold thing from earlier, only now it was warmer from being up against his neck. He tried to look down at it without moving his head, and when he glanced at it with his golden eyes, a silver blade winked back at him in the moonlight.
"Don't," this first word came out agitated, as if it entailed so many things. Don't speak, don't lie, don't break my heart. But Kikyou clarified her intent by adding another word as an afterthought. "Move."
It seemed as if his happy thoughts and dreams from earlier had come crashing down on him. InuYasha couldn't believe what was happening, and his mind was abuzz with so many different emotions. He was mostly hurt that Kikyou could do this to him. Did she really hate him that much...?Disappointment came next because all of his visions of Kikyou staying by his side, accompanying them on their search for the Shikon shards, were dashed completely. And he was angry because his pride was hurt intensely. He put himself on the line, and she still rejected him. But overall, he was heartbroken.
The look in his eyes made her falter slightly, and Kikyou was almost overcome by that desperate wish to tell him how she really felt. Scared that if she opened her mouth, all of these thoughts would come gushing out, Kikyou said nothing as she stepped away from him. She was highly aware of the cold that surrounded her in the place of InuYasha's arms. Instead, as her Shinidama-chuu came to her and whisked her away into the night, she tried to communicate her true feelings to him through her eyes. 'Once the thread of Fate is tangled, it cannot be undone.' She hoped he would understand. He became smaller and smaller as she flew higher into the air.
InuYasha finally snapped out of his somehow paralyzed daze, but it was too late, because Kikyou was already too far away. Both metaphorically and physically. "Kikyou!" he called desperately. She just kept looking at him with those sad eyes. They weren't like they were when she was threatening him; that small spark was behind them once more, even though her brow was furrowed above them. "Kikyou!"
And that was how it went. A scene that Kikyou had replayed constantly for two nights now, the night with InuYasha at the Goshinboku. It didn't surprise her that it played on a loop in her head; on the contrary, Kikyou had expected it. She didn't welcome it, but she accepted it. And sometimes, when she'd be caught off guard, she'd enjoy it.
A cloud of dust blossomed at Kikyou's feet, accompanied by a loud thud and a small yelp. Kikyou was abruptly shaken from her musings by this, and she looked down to see a small girl on the ground beside her.
"Are you alright?" Kikyou asked gently as she helped the girl stand and dusted her off.
"Yes, Kikyou-sama, thank you!" the small girl chirped, smiling brightly through the smudges of dirt on her round face.
Kikyou smirked to herself. Even after tripping, little Yuko was always cheerful. How lucky she was...
Yuko managed to interrupt her musings once more, her high pitched voice drawing Kikyou back to reality. Kikyou absently noted that she should thank her for that...She didn't know she was doing it, but Yuko was definitely doing her a favor. "Kikyou-sama, your eyes, they seem to be looking somewhere far away! Are you..." Yuko paused, as if searching for a word in her limited vocabulary. Leave it to her to pick the best one. "Lost?"
The miko looked somewhat surprised for a moment, but soon after allowed herself a small smile. Kikyou placed her hand on Yuko's cheek, feeling her hand shift as the girl smiled more at this gesture. "Yes, Yuko-chan, I am...lost." She didn't expect Yuko to respond, being a child, she wouldn't really understand. She probably couldn't detect the sadness in her voice. Kikyou was used to having to mask emotion as well as detect it; after all, she was running with humans and demons alike who were very trained themselves at doing so. It was a harsh world she lived in.
Yuko's smile faded swiftly, shifting Kikyou's hand on her cheek once more. A troubled look filled the child's eyes, and her head that was tilted up to face the miko standing next to her suddenly hung down. Kikyou was about to ask what was wrong, but before she could ask, Yuko launched herself at Kikyou's legs, trapping them in a tight embrace.
"Oh Kikyou-sama," Yuko cried into the miko's legs, her voice muffled. "I'm so sorry for you!" She looked up again at the miko towering over her. "If you're lost, you have to find your way home!"
It took a moment for the girl's words to sink in, but when they did, Kikyou felt that familiar lump in her throat and that burning prickle behind her eyes. How profound her words were, Yuko would never know, but Kikyou was surely able to see the layers of meaning behind her simple phrase. Smiling down at the girl, her face shrouded in shadows, Kikyou nodded. "Yes," she said gently. "You're right. I have to find my way. Back home." Kikyou knelt down on one knee, looking straight into Yuko's milky brown eyes. They weren't hard like Kikyou's, but fluid, showing everything to the world and hiding no secrets. Kikyou wondered if hers were like that before she became a miko... "Thank you very much, Yuko-chan, you've really helped me."
Yuko's trademark smile lit up her face again. "Kikyou-sama, I'm glad to have been able to help you. You've helped this village so much; I'm so happy I could do something for you. But...does that mean you're leaving?"
Kikyou smiled gently. "Yes, I'm afraid I must."
Yuko's smile was replaced by a look of seriousness and feigned maturity. Kikyou grinned at it slightly. But Yuko wasn't phased. The tone in her voice was just as solemn as the look on her face. "I will miss you very much, Kikyou-sama, but I want you to be happy. And, even though I don't want you to go, I know that the only way you will be happy is if you go to where you belong."
Yuko's words burned a place in Kikyou's mind from that moment on. Even later, the young girl's words would echo in Kikyou's head. They were forever etched into her memory. But at that moment, all that Kikyou could think about was doing exactly what this young girl said. However, she felt that she couldn't leave without some closure. Things like that seemed to be an obssession with Kikyou nowadays; she couldn't bring herself to leave a village abruptly without thoroughly saying goodbye. Maybe it was because she never got a chance to do so with him...
Kikyou's mind worked furiously, trying to think of something she could do for Yuko, to help her remember her. She didn't have much to give her, as all she really had to her name were the clothes on her back, her bow, and some magic. Nothing that she could leave with the girl. Kikyou thought and thought, and then it hit her. She could give Yuko the ribbon tying her hair! It wasn't much, but at least she would never forget her. Reaching back to untie the ribbon, Kikyou spoke to the girl. "Yuko-chan, I don't have much that I can leave you, but I do have this," she said, holding out the white ribbon. Kikyou reached back and tied Yuko's hair with it. "There now, this way you'll have something to remember me by."
And so it was with this fresh memory in her head that she walked into the forest surrounding the village.
'InuYasha, I see it now...The only way I'll be happy is if I go back to where I belong, back home. But...where is that?' Kikyou stopped her swift pace mid-stride. The strong feeling of purpose streaming through her seemed to stop with her steps. 'Home...where I belong...where am I going? The Afterlife...?' Kikyou sighed and sat down on the dark patch of earth beneath her. Leaves littered the floor here, scattered on the ground by the wind. Blowing them off course when they left their home in the boughs of the trees above. She knew the feeling. 'Home...' Kikyou turned this word over in her head, playing with it, trying to see it from different angles as if on some side of it there lay an answer. 'Home is...my village?' Kikyou analyzed this possibility. Her village had changed over the years, those who she knew before were not the people she knew now. The young were now the old, and a new generation of children scurried along the roads. Few held the memory of her, Kikyou, the miko who took them out to the fields to gather herbs. The miko who protected them and gave up her freedom for theirs. She was no more than legend, the stuff of bedtime tales told to children on the verge of sleep. No, that village was no longer her village. Even her sister seemed to be against her; it was clear that even she wanted her dead and gone from this world. Her reincarnation had replaced her even in her own sister's eyes. So, that was not, and never could be, her home.
'Home is...the Afterlife?' Again, Kikyou delved into the depths of this idea. The Afterlife. Such a peaceful place. In the afterlife, you were content about everything, no matter what it was. If you felt lonely, it didn't really matter. If you were guilty, it didn't really matter. She honestly didn't understand why InuYasha wouldn't want to follow her there. Such a rest could never be found anywhere else but in death. You were drowned in an overwhelming feeling of contentment. It could stroke you or it could strangle you, but you loved it all the same. Nothing was real there, nothing was true. Just a world all your own. It was...a lie. Granted, it was a lie that she condoned and loved, but a lie nonetheless. She would return there someday, she knew. But not today. Though she was always different from everyone else-- even now, in her resurrection--she still felt that human instinct to cling to this world. Survival. A concept imbued into the very core of our soul, no matter how small a fragment of it you held.
Kikyou sighed. She wasn't getting anywhere. "Home..." she murmured aloud. A strange feeling filled her when she thought harder about this word. It was as if she was very close to remembering something, a memory long gone, or a memory she never had. She could almost grasp it, reach out and take it in her hands. It reminded her of how she felt when she was training to be a miko and harness her spiritual powers. Closing her eyes, Kikyou concentrated more on the feeling, but more importantly, on the word that triggered it. 'Home...' her mind said, more firmly than ever. Almost, she almost had it, almost reached the end of that path that she envisioned as a symbol, an icon for her constant journey for understanding. "Home."
A small voice spoke in her head, or in her heart, she wasn't sure. It was something she hadn't ever experienced before, and it startled her. 'Home...is where the heart is,' it told her. Those words reverberated in her head, a strange cloudiness in them, giving them the effect of being far away. A whisper.
Kikyou's eyes snapped open and she gasped, drawing in air that she didn't really need. She felt as though she had been on a long journey, exahusted and depleted. But what made her the most weary was the new knowledge that she had amassed. Just the thought of it brought back the feeling of fatigue that had just begun to seep away. She had just spoken with...Kagome's soul. Kikyou shook her head. No, it was her soul that was in Kagome's body. It called to her, as if longing to be...home. Her soul was meant for Kagome now, but somewhere inside, it desired to be back with her, obligated to her by loyalty. It must've been confused, having found it's place, yet having it's master return from the dead. That wasn't supposed to happen. And so, it didn't know what to do. Kikyou smiled bitterly. Just like a certain someone she knew.
Apparently, she could communicate with Kagome's, her, their soul. That quote was a memory in Kagome's heart, a memory that she had gathered somewhere in her life. But Kikyou heard it. She sighed and stood again. Why was she surprised? It shouldn't be all that astonishing that she still had connections to her soul. After all, a piece of it still resided in her. She was being silly.
"Home is where the heart is." Kikyou stated aloud to no one but herself. She recommenced her swift stride once more, her eyes not really seeing the dirt path ahead. They were filled with a determined look, glazed over by a twinkling fog. She didn't need time to ponder this conception of what the word 'home' was. Kikyou already knew that she had found where she belonged. Home was where her heart was, and there was no question about her heart's location. She didn't bother to think of the consequences of her decision. She was blinded, or rather she didn't really look at anything else. All of those things were things that she didn't need to see. All she needed to see was the path ahead, and what awaited her at the end. She couldn't hate anymore, she couldn't be angry anymore. What was the point anyway? It was an existence she had tried so hard to get away from, and even in death did she have to bear it. But that was wrong. She didn't have to bear it at all. It was her choice, she could choose not to be angry, not to hate.
'...I know that the only way you'll be happy is if you go to where you belong...' 'You're right, Yuko-chan, you are so right...I know now where I belong. I've always known.' She needed to be complete, she needed to be whole. The only way she could achieve that was to find her heart. And her heart was held by him, the one who surrounded her, trapped her, caged her. The one who smothered her very being with himself-- his face appearing in clouds, his voice heard in the wind. He was her world, her home.
"I'll be there soon, my InuYasha. And then we can be happy."
It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all.
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room.
I've crossed the last line
From where I can return.
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me,
And led me from my home.
****************************************
And sweet,
Sweet Surrender
Is all that I have to give
****************************************
You take me in,
No questions asked.
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me.
Are you an angel?
Am I already that far gone?
I only hope
That I won't disappoint you,
When I'm down here
On my knees.
***************************************
And sweet,
Sweet Surrender
Is all that I have to give.
***************************************
And I don't understand
By the touch of your hand
That I should be the one to fall.
***************************************
I miss the little things
Oh I miss everything
About you.
***************************************
It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all.
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room.
***************************************
And sweet,
Sweet Surrender
Is all that I have to give.
**************************************
A/N: Sorry about the disgustingly long wait, you guys. Ha, I'm sure that all three of you reading were really irritated. Seriously, is anyone reading this? Because from the number of reviews I've gotten *cough* it seems that there is basically no one reading this story. Anyway, sorry again for the wait; apparently my muse doesn't like visiting me anymore, and when it does decide to come, it only comes for a couple of hours after midnight. You can probably tell that I kept falling short halfway through paragraphs (especially apparent in the ending part of the InuYasha and Kikyou scene). So, it took a while to finish! It also turned out longer than I expected, so I hope you managed to stay with me! Oh, and the name I used for the little girl that Kikyou gave her ribbon to (another very very weak part), Yuko, is actually the name of a good friend of mine, Yuko (duh)! She and I were volunteers at the blood centre together, and I love her very much. Anyway, I'll be getting started on my next part of this little episode, aptly titled Envy: Part Two. But, as I said earlier, I'd really appreciate knowing that there's someone out there reading my fic, so reviews would be really great! Flames? Heck, why not? As long as they're reasonable, and not just "Kikyou sucks." Because she doesn't!!! Kikyou rocks!!!Yay!!!