'Reaching for Sarah's Soul' - Part Three
Author: Daenar
Disclaimer: See Part One
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after 'Answered Prayers'
From Part Two:
She wanted to call out for him when a third bullet hit her right hip. Her whole body was on fire and she felt she was losing the battle. Then Harm had reached her. For a moment she took in the frantic, desperate look on his face. The face she had come to love so much. But she knew he couldn't save them both. "Take AJ, quick!" she cried, biting down her tears and handing him the boy. All color drained from his face the moment he understood what she was doing. 'Please, Harm, don't start a discussion. Please...'
Meanwhile, the Marines had opened fire on their attackers, trying to open them a safe way back. By the by their enemies seemed to lose their stand. However, there was still someone persistently firing in their direction.
"Run, Harm!" Mac urged him to go. A floating image of Harm cradling her body and crying in bottomless grief invaded her mind. That was when she knew this was the last time she would ever see him. The agony in her heart fully matched that of her injuries - and went beyond it.
"No way, Mac, I won't leave you out here," Harm yelled, his voice cracking. He reached out for her and for a fleeting moment, hope blossomed in her heart... hope against all rational thought that he might save her after all...
His beautiful eyes that were brimming with unshed tears were the last thing she saw when she felt a hard bolt at the back of her head. Night had fallen.
Part Three:
For a fraction of a second, Harm was paralyzed. He watched the blood stream out from the fresh wound at the back of her head where the ricochet had grazed the skull.
'No, this isn't happening... this can't be happening...'
Just then, a stray bullet penetrated the cloth of his BDU pants and almost caused his knees to buckle. His left thigh was suddenly on fire but Harm defiantly chose to ignore the pain.
"Sir!"
The lieutenant's voice shook him from his state of haze. He became aware that he held little AJ in his arms, covering his eyes with his hand so that he wouldn't see his beloved godmother bleeding to death. Firmly shutting all emotions out of his heart, Harm spun around on his heel and, limping slightly, took off for the jeeps. When he saw the admiral running towards him, he noted that the firing had ceased for good.
"Hand me the boy, you go and get Mac!" Chegwidden shouted and Harm instantly complied.
Racing back towards the motionless figure on the reddish rock, all of his previous horror and panic swept over him again in the wink of an eye. The raw emotions threatened to cut off his breathing, but Harm gulped the feeling down and just ran on. He couldn't allow any tears to blur his vision, just as he couldn't allow his leg to give way to the pain - Mac's life, and with hers his, depended on his ability to run, see and think straight.
However, a toneless "God..." escaped his lips when he dropped onto one knee, hauled her body up as carefully as was possible given the need to hurry, pushed himself up again and ran for dear life. His leg felt like lead.
Sergei already stretched his arms out to help him get her aboard. Harm climbed in as soon as she was settled and cradled her head on his lap when the humvees raced off.
Everything around him had fused into one giant blur. The noises seemed to originate from miles away, the landscape consisted of nothing but horizontal lines of various width and color. Everything was in motion except the minuscule bubble he and Mac seemed to be caught in: around the two of them, time seemed to have frozen as he was just sitting there, taking in her beautiful features that were smeared with dirt and blood and had lost all color.
"Mac, stay with me,' he pled in a low voice, his eyes stinging with tears that wouldn't be shed. "Please, Mac, hang on, I need you. I told you, remember? I finally found the words. It's up to you to make it happen. Fight, Marine! Please! God, help us..."
When he cast a brief look at his surroundings, he met with his brother's glance and saw that the pain in the young man's eyes had just about doubled. He must have heard him and understood what had transpired only hours before. Sergei reached out and squeezed Harm's left forearm, silently reassuring his brother, for whatever it was worth. Harm swallowed and only managed a nod.
**********
The admiral had ordered a med-evac helicopter from Yuma to meet them a little ways away. When they heaved Mac aboard, the Marine paramedics already stood by with a defibrillator. Harm's heart skipped several beats when what he had feared most was confirmed.
"No pulse. Charge with 200. Clear!"
His left hand applying pressure to his wounded thigh, Harm sat crouched in his seat, unable to assist the woman he loved in this ultimate fight. Squeezing his eyes shut until his eyelids hurt from the strain, Harm with his right hand tightly gripped the safety belt, just to hang on to something. 'Please, Mac, hear me... Sarah...'
"Charge with 300. Clear!"
The second attempt passed without effect.
"Still no pulse. Charge with 360. Clear!"
The cardiac monitor's steady hum suddenly turned into irregular beeping.
"Got a pulse..." The rest was lost to Harm's ears.
'Hang on, Sarah, don't let go...'
The slightest bump told him they'd just landed on the hospital grounds. The helo's doors were yanked open and before Harm had the time to get out of his seat, Mac had already been taken away. Senseless with fear, Harm jumped out - and everything around him went black as the blood loss finally made itself known.
Jan. 2nd 1415 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
"He's waking up," Sergei's voice eventually penetrated the fog in Harm's mind that was keeping him from waking up for good.
"Harm, can you hear me?" the admiral asked forcefully, patting his shoulder a little.
In an instant Harm was back to his senses. "How's Mac?" he asked immediately, his voice panic-stricken. "Did she make it? Tell me!" Frantic, he tried to sit but was pushed back by AJ's firm grip.
"Easy, Rabb. You've got your own health to worry about. Yes, Mac's alive,"
At first, Harm wanted to laugh out loud with unspeakable relief but something in his CO's voice made him stop short. He turned and looked closely at the admiral who avoided his eyes.
"What is it? Tell me, what's wrong with her?" New panic rose in his throat.
Chegwidden drew a deep breath. "Mac was without a heartbeat for about four minutes. They managed to bring her back but she's been in a coma ever since."
Harm closed his eyes, despair washing over him like a tidal wave. "Will she ever wake up again?" he asked tonelessly as his hand found the railing of his bead as if he had to steady himself even in his horizontal position.
"To early to tell. Maybe tomorrow, maybe even now, maybe in a month or in a year or maybe... never. And even if she does wake up, we won't know beforehand what she'll be like. She might come back to normal but she might also have to completely depend on someone else's care." The admiral's voice was unsteady.
"Can I see her?" Harm had to force the words out of his mouth. His heart had just shattered into a million pieces.
"I'd rather you didn't but I know you'll go anyway."
Harm was infinitely glad his CO knew him so well and for once didn't argue. Laying the cards about Mac's and his relationship on the table just now would have been too much to bear. "Thank you, sir," he whispered.
Sergei stepped forward. Harm could see he was walking steadily, clinging to the handles of an empty wheelchair. "Come on, I'll take you to her. I promised Harriet I'd take care of Chloe once you were able to go and see Mac."
"Chloe is with her?" Harm asked. "Is she all right? And little AJ?"
Sergei helped him settle into the wheelchair. "They are all well. The Roberts' are waiting just outside the ICU."
Gathering every remaining bit of strength he could muster, Harm steeled himself for what he might find upstairs. "Okay," he breathed, "let's go."
**********
He gave an involuntary gasp when he saw her through the windowpane. Mac was deadly pale. Half a dozen computers were monitoring her life functions. She was breathing without help but still had an oxygen tube attached to her nose. On either side of her body, IV's were slowly trickling into her veins. Chloe was sitting on a chair next to her, her face red from crying, helplessly stroking Mac's left hand.
Beside Harm and Sergei, Harriet and Bud were standing, watching in silence. Hearing Harm's intake of breath, Harriet impulsively bent down and hugged him. "It's so good to see you're okay, sir," she said in a low voice as he returned the embrace. Then, lower still, "She needs you."
"How's AJ?" was all Harm managed to ask around the lump in his throat.
"He's well. Thanks to you both."
Bud laid his hand on Harm's shoulder. "You saved his life, sir, you and the colonel. We will never forget that."
Fighting hard for his composure at the thought of what their deed might cost them, Harm only choked out very low, "He's our godson."
Harriet saw that Harm's shoulders were shaking. She quietly took her husband's hand and dragged him out of the room. Sergei cast Harm a questioning look as if to ask if he was ready for what was awaiting him. Squaring his shoulders, Harm nodded and Sergei reached for the door handle.
At the sound of the door opening, Chloe lifted her head. Seeing Harm, she got up and rushed over to him, threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in the curve between his shoulder and neck. Harm felt her tears wet his hospital scrubs and squeezed her tightly.
"Bring her back, Harm," he heard the girl's muffled voice. "I need her."
Swallowing heavily, Harm tried to steady his voice as he gently pushed Chloe away a little so they could look at each other.
"I don't know if I can," he said, hoarsely but gently.
"If you don't, no one else will," Chloe sobbed. "I tried. She found me in the woods. We had that weird connection once. I tried to get through to her but I just couldn't reach her. But your link is so much stronger. Please, Harm, try!"
Chloe's open display of grief only added to his own that he was trying so hard to keep to himself. "I doubt it works that way, but I promise I'll try."
"Thank you." Sniffing, she let go of him and handed Sergei his crutches that he'd left with her earlier. Sergei gave Harm's shoulder one last firm squeeze, wheeled him over to Mac's bedside and then left the room with the girl.
Harm took Mac's feeble hand. Feeling the warm but oh so slack fingers hang heavily between his own made him want to scream. He held his breath waiting for the first attack of pain to give way to a dull ache that wouldn't be chased. Slowly, he then brought her hand to his lips and firmly pressed them against her knuckles for a few endless seconds until he could think straight and remembered his promise to Chloe.
"Mac..." His voice faltered. He cleared his throat and tried again, speaking lower.
"Sarah, it's me... I'm right here and I'll stay with you until you wake, regardless of how long it takes."
She seemed so fragile. The unhealthy pallor made her skin look like porcelain. Her lips, normally an amazing shade of red, were now pale: a hint of pink with just a tinge of violet in it. She looked seriously ill - and yet, she was incredibly beautiful.
Harm bent forward and rested his chin next to her on the bed, eyes closed. He didn't need to see. He needed to feel her warmth, take in her scent, as if to convince himself she wasn't lost to him yet.
"Where are you, Mac?" he whispered. "Tell me how to find you... I need you in my life... I can't go on alone."
Only now did he allow his tears to flow, silently lessening the cruel tension that had built up inside him. He didn't even notice that his head sank to the side, coming to rest on his right cheek.
That was how the nurses found him, sleeping.
Jan 4th 1730 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
"Sir, I can't leave her here alone!" Harm was pacing agitatedly up and down his room with the help of a cane, trying to make Chegwidden see his point. The admiral tried to calm him down but Harm wouldn't.
"Commander, you can't stay down here forever. I could grant you a vacation, but... seriously, Harm. You don't know if she'll ever wake. Unless you totally quit you'd have to go away anyway in a few weeks. It'll only get harder the longer you stay! Maybe she can be moved to D.C. soon," AJ suggested. The look of defeat on his features showed clearly that he knew full well his effort was made in vain.
Harm came to a halt right in front of him. When he spoke his words were dangerously clear and well pronounced. "With all due respect, sir, these are MY days off. This is MY decision. I will be staying with Colonel Mackenzie and if you order me not to you will have to sue me for disobedience of a direct order."
AJ held his hands up in defense. "All right. Don't shoot me. As you say, it's your decision. Technically, I have no immediate need for you at JAG. So stay if you're bound to. But, as your friend, let me advise you: DON'T GET TOO INVOLVED! Think of your own life, Harm." The admiral's expression showed real concern and compassion.
Harm met his gaze and then looked down. His voice was very low when he spoke. "She IS my life, sir. I'm as much involved as I could ever be."
Chegwidden let out a deep sigh and apparently was making his peace with the situation at hand. He took a step in Harm's direction and all of a sudden, Harm found himself hugged by his CO, the brief gesture catching him totally off guard.
"Sir..."
"Good luck, Commander." AJ's voice was suddenly strained. "Bring her back to us. And take care of yourself."
Harm was well aware that this had been the most sincere expression of his feelings for any of his subordinates that his CO had ever given. "I will, sir, I promise." He didn't trust his voice to any more words.
Chegwidden turned to leave and went to the door. He pushed the handle and then turned again. "See you in four weeks, Commander. Then we'll discuss any further proceedings." He produced a tight smile.
Harm swallowed, cast him a look of pure gratitude and came to attention. "Aye, aye, sir!"
Jan. 9th 2350 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
During the last five days, almost all doctors and nurses who worked in intensive care had come to know the picture of the tall, dark-haired man sitting next to the woman in the coma. Sometimes he would talk to her, sometimes he would just sit by and watch, holding her hand. As he was no relation of hers, at first they wouldn't let him stay with her. But then the Navy's Judge Advocate General himself had ordered them to grant the commander permanent access to the colonel's room. It seemed she had no family at all and her working partner, as the commander had turned out to be, was the person nearest to her. Speculation about how close they really were had long since gotten hold of everyone's imagination.
It tore at everyone's hearts, seeing his grief and the way he would spend his entire day until late at night at her side, trying to bring her back to consciousness or just letting her feel his presence. Each time a doctor had examined her, the commander would eagerly ask for every detail of her state, only to be disappointed that so far there had been no change whatsoever. True, the many cables around her had vanished one by one as her condition kept stabilizing, but the most positive one could say about the colonel's state was that it was stagnating at a secure level. It hurt to see the desperation showing in the commander's eyes whenever he spoke to the medical personnel. Before long, the two officers had become the main topic of concern in the nurses' rooms as well as among the doctors.
Harm was unaware of the fact that he was giving the impression of having emerged right from some tragic paperback novel. All he was thinking about was finding a way to penetrate the firm wall that closed Mac out from the rest of the world. When he was honest with himself, he admitted that seeing her like this and feeling so utterly helpless was eating up more of his strength than he would have imagined. And that was something he just couldn't afford.
So, for some little breaks, he had arranged her personal matters, talked the Roberts' into taking Jingo, instructed Sergei to drop by at Mac's every third day to get the mail, and he had seen to it that Chloe's grandmother could pick her granddaughter up at the Roberts' and take her home to Vermont.
He had made Harriet send some of his and Mac's personal things to Yuma and had collected their clothes from the base. Everything had been kept in neat order. Yet, he was unable to find the necklace he had given her. She must have lost it back at Red Rock Mesa, he thought bitterly. He could have needed it now as his own source of strength. It would have been something to hold on to every time he started to involuntarily convince himself that their ever so short romance had happened in his imagination. As for reality, nothing more than his memories and his aching heart seemed to be left of what had started out as his private heaven. As the days dragged on, hope slowly but steadily gave way to grief.
***********
Having fetched himself a cup of coffee, Harm returned to Mac's bedside and once again wearily settled into the chair next to her. He had allowed a certain numbness to slip into his mind now and then. The feeling eased away part of the pain and gave him a few moments' rest. The wound on his thigh was healing fast. All he felt was a slight throbbing when he had walked a little too much.
Harm took a sip of his coffee and looked at Mac who was lying on her back as motionless as ever. Too tired even to grieve, he then closed his eyes to try and recover a bit. He would need all his strength for no one knew how long, if he were ever to bring her back to D.C. - and to his life.
Suddenly he started and sat bolt upright. He could have sworn he had heard a slight rustle. Instantly wary, he put his cup down and cast a look at his surroundings. All seemed quiet around them. But then his eyes wandered back to Mac and he gave a gasp. Her left hand was lying in a slightly different position from where it had been. The difference was minimal but he noticed it all the same. In an instant he was leaning over her, his heart throbbing wildly, hope and fear warring in his heart.
"Mac," he called softly, his voice shaking a little. "Mac, can you hear me?"
She gave no answer but Harm could see that her eyeballs were moving wildly behind her closed lids. He took her hand and squeezed it. "Mac!" he called again. "Mac, it's me! Tell me, where are you? Tell me how to get to you, honey."
She made the smallest movement with her lips and Harm's heart nearly missed a beat. With trembling hands he pressed the button to call a nurse.
A doctor entered the room shortly after. "What is it?" he asked, his concern showing.
"Commander, you look like you're about to faint on me. You've never rung for anything yet. So why now? What's the matter?" The doctor gave him a concerned look, then took Mac's hand and felt for a pulse.
"She moved." Harm had difficulties finding his voice. "First I only heard something and thought I was wrong but then I saw it. Does that mean she's going to wake up?"
The doctor examined her in silence for a few moments. Then he looked up. "We could give it a try." Bending down again, he gently shook Mac's shoulder. "Ma'am, can you hear us? Wake up."
Mac was stirring more visibly but still had her eyes firmly closed.
The doctor tried again, then turned to Harm who had unconsciously held his breath and was clutching the edge of Mac's blanket in a death grip. "You try. She knows your voice."
Harm once again bent over Mac's body. "Mac, it's me, Harm. Come on, open your eyes! Mac!" Desperate, Harm looked up at the doctor. "Words don't seem to reach her."
"Try something a little more significant. Something she's used to."
Pulling himself up to full height, Harm breathed in heavily and then, at full command voice, yelled, "Colonel Mackenzie, front and center!!"
The doctor gave a start and jumped backwards. At Harm's low cry of amazement, he stepped close again. Mac had opened her eyes and was staring at them, thoroughly bewildered.
Jan. 10th 0030 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
In the course of the last few hours, Mac had lost consciousness again a couple of times but eventually, they had managed to make her come to completely. The first thing she did was put a hand to the thick bandages around her head, groaning. Harm immediately bent over her.
"Don't, hon. You're still very weak. Just lie still, okay? You've been through a lot. Do you remember anything?"
Mac frowned but said nothing. The doctor stepped up to Harm. "Remember: maybe she can't talk or doesn't even understand what you're saying. We have to wait and see exactly how much damage the lack of oxygen caused to her brain." Harm swallowed and nodded slowly. Then he again turned to face Mac and tried a small smile.
Mac coughed a little before she was able to speak up. "I don't remember a thing. Why am I here?" Her slightly raspy voice caught in her throat and she cleared it. "Where are we anyway?"
Harm was overwhelmed with relief when he heard her speak even though her voice had suffered from the long days of intubation. He needed to steady himself, holding onto the bed, before he could take her hand to clasp it between his own. "We're at a military hospital in Yuma. You nearly got yourself killed in the attempt to save Chloe, Sergei and little AJ. God, Mac, I thought this time I'd lost you for good."
Shuddering involuntarily, he smiled at her, but his smile fell as he saw the look of utmost confusion on her face. He felt her pull her hand back from his and a chill of fear threatened to paralyze him. A mix of dread, grief and compassion was showing on the doctor's features. He only mumbled something about having other patients to tend to and excused himself just a little too quickly.
Mac was looking at Harm with wide eyes, apparently at a total loss as to what she was supposed to think. Then she smiled a little self-consciously. Harm braced himself for the worst, but still, the impact of her next words took his breath away and threw his life into a murderous tailspin.
Again, Mac cleared her throat and coughed a little. When she finally spoke, her voice was achingly innocent. "I'm really sorry. But I'm afraid I don't understand. What did you say I did, nearly getting myself killed? And... uhm..." She chuckled a little helplessly, "I'm so embarrassed to ask as you seem to know me, but... have we ever met before?"
To be continued... (Feedback - as always - highly appreciated!)
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after 'Answered Prayers'
From Part Two:
She wanted to call out for him when a third bullet hit her right hip. Her whole body was on fire and she felt she was losing the battle. Then Harm had reached her. For a moment she took in the frantic, desperate look on his face. The face she had come to love so much. But she knew he couldn't save them both. "Take AJ, quick!" she cried, biting down her tears and handing him the boy. All color drained from his face the moment he understood what she was doing. 'Please, Harm, don't start a discussion. Please...'
Meanwhile, the Marines had opened fire on their attackers, trying to open them a safe way back. By the by their enemies seemed to lose their stand. However, there was still someone persistently firing in their direction.
"Run, Harm!" Mac urged him to go. A floating image of Harm cradling her body and crying in bottomless grief invaded her mind. That was when she knew this was the last time she would ever see him. The agony in her heart fully matched that of her injuries - and went beyond it.
"No way, Mac, I won't leave you out here," Harm yelled, his voice cracking. He reached out for her and for a fleeting moment, hope blossomed in her heart... hope against all rational thought that he might save her after all...
His beautiful eyes that were brimming with unshed tears were the last thing she saw when she felt a hard bolt at the back of her head. Night had fallen.
Part Three:
For a fraction of a second, Harm was paralyzed. He watched the blood stream out from the fresh wound at the back of her head where the ricochet had grazed the skull.
'No, this isn't happening... this can't be happening...'
Just then, a stray bullet penetrated the cloth of his BDU pants and almost caused his knees to buckle. His left thigh was suddenly on fire but Harm defiantly chose to ignore the pain.
"Sir!"
The lieutenant's voice shook him from his state of haze. He became aware that he held little AJ in his arms, covering his eyes with his hand so that he wouldn't see his beloved godmother bleeding to death. Firmly shutting all emotions out of his heart, Harm spun around on his heel and, limping slightly, took off for the jeeps. When he saw the admiral running towards him, he noted that the firing had ceased for good.
"Hand me the boy, you go and get Mac!" Chegwidden shouted and Harm instantly complied.
Racing back towards the motionless figure on the reddish rock, all of his previous horror and panic swept over him again in the wink of an eye. The raw emotions threatened to cut off his breathing, but Harm gulped the feeling down and just ran on. He couldn't allow any tears to blur his vision, just as he couldn't allow his leg to give way to the pain - Mac's life, and with hers his, depended on his ability to run, see and think straight.
However, a toneless "God..." escaped his lips when he dropped onto one knee, hauled her body up as carefully as was possible given the need to hurry, pushed himself up again and ran for dear life. His leg felt like lead.
Sergei already stretched his arms out to help him get her aboard. Harm climbed in as soon as she was settled and cradled her head on his lap when the humvees raced off.
Everything around him had fused into one giant blur. The noises seemed to originate from miles away, the landscape consisted of nothing but horizontal lines of various width and color. Everything was in motion except the minuscule bubble he and Mac seemed to be caught in: around the two of them, time seemed to have frozen as he was just sitting there, taking in her beautiful features that were smeared with dirt and blood and had lost all color.
"Mac, stay with me,' he pled in a low voice, his eyes stinging with tears that wouldn't be shed. "Please, Mac, hang on, I need you. I told you, remember? I finally found the words. It's up to you to make it happen. Fight, Marine! Please! God, help us..."
When he cast a brief look at his surroundings, he met with his brother's glance and saw that the pain in the young man's eyes had just about doubled. He must have heard him and understood what had transpired only hours before. Sergei reached out and squeezed Harm's left forearm, silently reassuring his brother, for whatever it was worth. Harm swallowed and only managed a nod.
**********
The admiral had ordered a med-evac helicopter from Yuma to meet them a little ways away. When they heaved Mac aboard, the Marine paramedics already stood by with a defibrillator. Harm's heart skipped several beats when what he had feared most was confirmed.
"No pulse. Charge with 200. Clear!"
His left hand applying pressure to his wounded thigh, Harm sat crouched in his seat, unable to assist the woman he loved in this ultimate fight. Squeezing his eyes shut until his eyelids hurt from the strain, Harm with his right hand tightly gripped the safety belt, just to hang on to something. 'Please, Mac, hear me... Sarah...'
"Charge with 300. Clear!"
The second attempt passed without effect.
"Still no pulse. Charge with 360. Clear!"
The cardiac monitor's steady hum suddenly turned into irregular beeping.
"Got a pulse..." The rest was lost to Harm's ears.
'Hang on, Sarah, don't let go...'
The slightest bump told him they'd just landed on the hospital grounds. The helo's doors were yanked open and before Harm had the time to get out of his seat, Mac had already been taken away. Senseless with fear, Harm jumped out - and everything around him went black as the blood loss finally made itself known.
Jan. 2nd 1415 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
"He's waking up," Sergei's voice eventually penetrated the fog in Harm's mind that was keeping him from waking up for good.
"Harm, can you hear me?" the admiral asked forcefully, patting his shoulder a little.
In an instant Harm was back to his senses. "How's Mac?" he asked immediately, his voice panic-stricken. "Did she make it? Tell me!" Frantic, he tried to sit but was pushed back by AJ's firm grip.
"Easy, Rabb. You've got your own health to worry about. Yes, Mac's alive,"
At first, Harm wanted to laugh out loud with unspeakable relief but something in his CO's voice made him stop short. He turned and looked closely at the admiral who avoided his eyes.
"What is it? Tell me, what's wrong with her?" New panic rose in his throat.
Chegwidden drew a deep breath. "Mac was without a heartbeat for about four minutes. They managed to bring her back but she's been in a coma ever since."
Harm closed his eyes, despair washing over him like a tidal wave. "Will she ever wake up again?" he asked tonelessly as his hand found the railing of his bead as if he had to steady himself even in his horizontal position.
"To early to tell. Maybe tomorrow, maybe even now, maybe in a month or in a year or maybe... never. And even if she does wake up, we won't know beforehand what she'll be like. She might come back to normal but she might also have to completely depend on someone else's care." The admiral's voice was unsteady.
"Can I see her?" Harm had to force the words out of his mouth. His heart had just shattered into a million pieces.
"I'd rather you didn't but I know you'll go anyway."
Harm was infinitely glad his CO knew him so well and for once didn't argue. Laying the cards about Mac's and his relationship on the table just now would have been too much to bear. "Thank you, sir," he whispered.
Sergei stepped forward. Harm could see he was walking steadily, clinging to the handles of an empty wheelchair. "Come on, I'll take you to her. I promised Harriet I'd take care of Chloe once you were able to go and see Mac."
"Chloe is with her?" Harm asked. "Is she all right? And little AJ?"
Sergei helped him settle into the wheelchair. "They are all well. The Roberts' are waiting just outside the ICU."
Gathering every remaining bit of strength he could muster, Harm steeled himself for what he might find upstairs. "Okay," he breathed, "let's go."
**********
He gave an involuntary gasp when he saw her through the windowpane. Mac was deadly pale. Half a dozen computers were monitoring her life functions. She was breathing without help but still had an oxygen tube attached to her nose. On either side of her body, IV's were slowly trickling into her veins. Chloe was sitting on a chair next to her, her face red from crying, helplessly stroking Mac's left hand.
Beside Harm and Sergei, Harriet and Bud were standing, watching in silence. Hearing Harm's intake of breath, Harriet impulsively bent down and hugged him. "It's so good to see you're okay, sir," she said in a low voice as he returned the embrace. Then, lower still, "She needs you."
"How's AJ?" was all Harm managed to ask around the lump in his throat.
"He's well. Thanks to you both."
Bud laid his hand on Harm's shoulder. "You saved his life, sir, you and the colonel. We will never forget that."
Fighting hard for his composure at the thought of what their deed might cost them, Harm only choked out very low, "He's our godson."
Harriet saw that Harm's shoulders were shaking. She quietly took her husband's hand and dragged him out of the room. Sergei cast Harm a questioning look as if to ask if he was ready for what was awaiting him. Squaring his shoulders, Harm nodded and Sergei reached for the door handle.
At the sound of the door opening, Chloe lifted her head. Seeing Harm, she got up and rushed over to him, threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in the curve between his shoulder and neck. Harm felt her tears wet his hospital scrubs and squeezed her tightly.
"Bring her back, Harm," he heard the girl's muffled voice. "I need her."
Swallowing heavily, Harm tried to steady his voice as he gently pushed Chloe away a little so they could look at each other.
"I don't know if I can," he said, hoarsely but gently.
"If you don't, no one else will," Chloe sobbed. "I tried. She found me in the woods. We had that weird connection once. I tried to get through to her but I just couldn't reach her. But your link is so much stronger. Please, Harm, try!"
Chloe's open display of grief only added to his own that he was trying so hard to keep to himself. "I doubt it works that way, but I promise I'll try."
"Thank you." Sniffing, she let go of him and handed Sergei his crutches that he'd left with her earlier. Sergei gave Harm's shoulder one last firm squeeze, wheeled him over to Mac's bedside and then left the room with the girl.
Harm took Mac's feeble hand. Feeling the warm but oh so slack fingers hang heavily between his own made him want to scream. He held his breath waiting for the first attack of pain to give way to a dull ache that wouldn't be chased. Slowly, he then brought her hand to his lips and firmly pressed them against her knuckles for a few endless seconds until he could think straight and remembered his promise to Chloe.
"Mac..." His voice faltered. He cleared his throat and tried again, speaking lower.
"Sarah, it's me... I'm right here and I'll stay with you until you wake, regardless of how long it takes."
She seemed so fragile. The unhealthy pallor made her skin look like porcelain. Her lips, normally an amazing shade of red, were now pale: a hint of pink with just a tinge of violet in it. She looked seriously ill - and yet, she was incredibly beautiful.
Harm bent forward and rested his chin next to her on the bed, eyes closed. He didn't need to see. He needed to feel her warmth, take in her scent, as if to convince himself she wasn't lost to him yet.
"Where are you, Mac?" he whispered. "Tell me how to find you... I need you in my life... I can't go on alone."
Only now did he allow his tears to flow, silently lessening the cruel tension that had built up inside him. He didn't even notice that his head sank to the side, coming to rest on his right cheek.
That was how the nurses found him, sleeping.
Jan 4th 1730 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
"Sir, I can't leave her here alone!" Harm was pacing agitatedly up and down his room with the help of a cane, trying to make Chegwidden see his point. The admiral tried to calm him down but Harm wouldn't.
"Commander, you can't stay down here forever. I could grant you a vacation, but... seriously, Harm. You don't know if she'll ever wake. Unless you totally quit you'd have to go away anyway in a few weeks. It'll only get harder the longer you stay! Maybe she can be moved to D.C. soon," AJ suggested. The look of defeat on his features showed clearly that he knew full well his effort was made in vain.
Harm came to a halt right in front of him. When he spoke his words were dangerously clear and well pronounced. "With all due respect, sir, these are MY days off. This is MY decision. I will be staying with Colonel Mackenzie and if you order me not to you will have to sue me for disobedience of a direct order."
AJ held his hands up in defense. "All right. Don't shoot me. As you say, it's your decision. Technically, I have no immediate need for you at JAG. So stay if you're bound to. But, as your friend, let me advise you: DON'T GET TOO INVOLVED! Think of your own life, Harm." The admiral's expression showed real concern and compassion.
Harm met his gaze and then looked down. His voice was very low when he spoke. "She IS my life, sir. I'm as much involved as I could ever be."
Chegwidden let out a deep sigh and apparently was making his peace with the situation at hand. He took a step in Harm's direction and all of a sudden, Harm found himself hugged by his CO, the brief gesture catching him totally off guard.
"Sir..."
"Good luck, Commander." AJ's voice was suddenly strained. "Bring her back to us. And take care of yourself."
Harm was well aware that this had been the most sincere expression of his feelings for any of his subordinates that his CO had ever given. "I will, sir, I promise." He didn't trust his voice to any more words.
Chegwidden turned to leave and went to the door. He pushed the handle and then turned again. "See you in four weeks, Commander. Then we'll discuss any further proceedings." He produced a tight smile.
Harm swallowed, cast him a look of pure gratitude and came to attention. "Aye, aye, sir!"
Jan. 9th 2350 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
During the last five days, almost all doctors and nurses who worked in intensive care had come to know the picture of the tall, dark-haired man sitting next to the woman in the coma. Sometimes he would talk to her, sometimes he would just sit by and watch, holding her hand. As he was no relation of hers, at first they wouldn't let him stay with her. But then the Navy's Judge Advocate General himself had ordered them to grant the commander permanent access to the colonel's room. It seemed she had no family at all and her working partner, as the commander had turned out to be, was the person nearest to her. Speculation about how close they really were had long since gotten hold of everyone's imagination.
It tore at everyone's hearts, seeing his grief and the way he would spend his entire day until late at night at her side, trying to bring her back to consciousness or just letting her feel his presence. Each time a doctor had examined her, the commander would eagerly ask for every detail of her state, only to be disappointed that so far there had been no change whatsoever. True, the many cables around her had vanished one by one as her condition kept stabilizing, but the most positive one could say about the colonel's state was that it was stagnating at a secure level. It hurt to see the desperation showing in the commander's eyes whenever he spoke to the medical personnel. Before long, the two officers had become the main topic of concern in the nurses' rooms as well as among the doctors.
Harm was unaware of the fact that he was giving the impression of having emerged right from some tragic paperback novel. All he was thinking about was finding a way to penetrate the firm wall that closed Mac out from the rest of the world. When he was honest with himself, he admitted that seeing her like this and feeling so utterly helpless was eating up more of his strength than he would have imagined. And that was something he just couldn't afford.
So, for some little breaks, he had arranged her personal matters, talked the Roberts' into taking Jingo, instructed Sergei to drop by at Mac's every third day to get the mail, and he had seen to it that Chloe's grandmother could pick her granddaughter up at the Roberts' and take her home to Vermont.
He had made Harriet send some of his and Mac's personal things to Yuma and had collected their clothes from the base. Everything had been kept in neat order. Yet, he was unable to find the necklace he had given her. She must have lost it back at Red Rock Mesa, he thought bitterly. He could have needed it now as his own source of strength. It would have been something to hold on to every time he started to involuntarily convince himself that their ever so short romance had happened in his imagination. As for reality, nothing more than his memories and his aching heart seemed to be left of what had started out as his private heaven. As the days dragged on, hope slowly but steadily gave way to grief.
***********
Having fetched himself a cup of coffee, Harm returned to Mac's bedside and once again wearily settled into the chair next to her. He had allowed a certain numbness to slip into his mind now and then. The feeling eased away part of the pain and gave him a few moments' rest. The wound on his thigh was healing fast. All he felt was a slight throbbing when he had walked a little too much.
Harm took a sip of his coffee and looked at Mac who was lying on her back as motionless as ever. Too tired even to grieve, he then closed his eyes to try and recover a bit. He would need all his strength for no one knew how long, if he were ever to bring her back to D.C. - and to his life.
Suddenly he started and sat bolt upright. He could have sworn he had heard a slight rustle. Instantly wary, he put his cup down and cast a look at his surroundings. All seemed quiet around them. But then his eyes wandered back to Mac and he gave a gasp. Her left hand was lying in a slightly different position from where it had been. The difference was minimal but he noticed it all the same. In an instant he was leaning over her, his heart throbbing wildly, hope and fear warring in his heart.
"Mac," he called softly, his voice shaking a little. "Mac, can you hear me?"
She gave no answer but Harm could see that her eyeballs were moving wildly behind her closed lids. He took her hand and squeezed it. "Mac!" he called again. "Mac, it's me! Tell me, where are you? Tell me how to get to you, honey."
She made the smallest movement with her lips and Harm's heart nearly missed a beat. With trembling hands he pressed the button to call a nurse.
A doctor entered the room shortly after. "What is it?" he asked, his concern showing.
"Commander, you look like you're about to faint on me. You've never rung for anything yet. So why now? What's the matter?" The doctor gave him a concerned look, then took Mac's hand and felt for a pulse.
"She moved." Harm had difficulties finding his voice. "First I only heard something and thought I was wrong but then I saw it. Does that mean she's going to wake up?"
The doctor examined her in silence for a few moments. Then he looked up. "We could give it a try." Bending down again, he gently shook Mac's shoulder. "Ma'am, can you hear us? Wake up."
Mac was stirring more visibly but still had her eyes firmly closed.
The doctor tried again, then turned to Harm who had unconsciously held his breath and was clutching the edge of Mac's blanket in a death grip. "You try. She knows your voice."
Harm once again bent over Mac's body. "Mac, it's me, Harm. Come on, open your eyes! Mac!" Desperate, Harm looked up at the doctor. "Words don't seem to reach her."
"Try something a little more significant. Something she's used to."
Pulling himself up to full height, Harm breathed in heavily and then, at full command voice, yelled, "Colonel Mackenzie, front and center!!"
The doctor gave a start and jumped backwards. At Harm's low cry of amazement, he stepped close again. Mac had opened her eyes and was staring at them, thoroughly bewildered.
Jan. 10th 0030 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
In the course of the last few hours, Mac had lost consciousness again a couple of times but eventually, they had managed to make her come to completely. The first thing she did was put a hand to the thick bandages around her head, groaning. Harm immediately bent over her.
"Don't, hon. You're still very weak. Just lie still, okay? You've been through a lot. Do you remember anything?"
Mac frowned but said nothing. The doctor stepped up to Harm. "Remember: maybe she can't talk or doesn't even understand what you're saying. We have to wait and see exactly how much damage the lack of oxygen caused to her brain." Harm swallowed and nodded slowly. Then he again turned to face Mac and tried a small smile.
Mac coughed a little before she was able to speak up. "I don't remember a thing. Why am I here?" Her slightly raspy voice caught in her throat and she cleared it. "Where are we anyway?"
Harm was overwhelmed with relief when he heard her speak even though her voice had suffered from the long days of intubation. He needed to steady himself, holding onto the bed, before he could take her hand to clasp it between his own. "We're at a military hospital in Yuma. You nearly got yourself killed in the attempt to save Chloe, Sergei and little AJ. God, Mac, I thought this time I'd lost you for good."
Shuddering involuntarily, he smiled at her, but his smile fell as he saw the look of utmost confusion on her face. He felt her pull her hand back from his and a chill of fear threatened to paralyze him. A mix of dread, grief and compassion was showing on the doctor's features. He only mumbled something about having other patients to tend to and excused himself just a little too quickly.
Mac was looking at Harm with wide eyes, apparently at a total loss as to what she was supposed to think. Then she smiled a little self-consciously. Harm braced himself for the worst, but still, the impact of her next words took his breath away and threw his life into a murderous tailspin.
Again, Mac cleared her throat and coughed a little. When she finally spoke, her voice was achingly innocent. "I'm really sorry. But I'm afraid I don't understand. What did you say I did, nearly getting myself killed? And... uhm..." She chuckled a little helplessly, "I'm so embarrassed to ask as you seem to know me, but... have we ever met before?"
To be continued... (Feedback - as always - highly appreciated!)