'Reaching for Sarah's Soul' - Part Six
Author: Daenar
Disclaimer: See Part One
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after 'Answered Prayers'
From part five:
"It was the day little AJ Roberts was born," Harm explained, his voice monotone. "The ambulance arrived only after Harriet had given birth in the admiral's office at JAG. When they were finally off to the hospital, you and I were standing in front of JAG headquarters, watching them leave. You were musing about your biological clock and how you doubted you'd have a family one day. So I said that if neither of us were in a relationship five years from that day, we might as well go halves on a kid. A pact between best friends. That was two and a half years ago."
Sarah needed a few seconds to reassemble her thoughts. Letting out a nervous chuckle, she commented, "Okay, I see your point. This is definitely beyond the confines of an ordinary friendship." She shook her head vigorously as if the movement would somehow clear it. But looking at her friend, she knew he had told her the truth, weird as it might seem. So maybe she should indeed rely on his advice and not dwell on the subject any further for the moment but go back to the beginning instead. Yet, there was one thing she had to know before she would continue on that journey.
"Harm... have we ever been... involved with each other?" She didn't dare face him.
"We were never lovers if that's what you're asking," she heard him reply cautiously and looked up in slight surprise - and disappointment, as she noted, astonished about herself.
"Then why would you make such an offer to me?" she asked, at a loss.
"Because we've always been very close, right from the very start." Once again, his words went straight through to her heart.
"Tell me about 'The People vs. Matthew O'Hara'," was all she replied.
Part Six:
Jan. 15th 0412 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
"You comfortable?" Harm had adjusted the backrest of Mac's bed to an angle that had her almost sitting but she had wanted it this way. Fluffing the pillow a little before she leaned back against it, he searched her face for any signs that she was feeling uneasy having him around but he didn't see any. Hopefully their earlier conversation had cleared the air to some extent so that they would finally be able to face the long, bumpy road of her recovery. Together.
Mac looked up at him and smiled. "Yes, that's perfect, thank you." The smile she gave him confirmed his hopes. They could indeed go on from here.
"I promise I'll answer all your questions at once, but first," he held up his hand in an apologetic gesture as she was about to protest, "First, I have a few details for you from your doctors."
She nodded, her apprehension showing on her face. "Go ahead."
Anxious to set her at ease, he smiled, hiding his own relief under a mask of reassurance. "Physically, you've recovered remarkably well. You'll still need to walk with the help of crutches for a few weeks and take up an intensive rehab routine once the pain in your shoulder and in your hip is gone. And of course, for at least two weeks, lots of rest and daily visits to your residential physician are a must. But the doctors are willing to release you into the care of a trustworthy person. You'll have to follow strict orders - but you'd be able to return to D.C. if you feel up to it. Congratulations, Marine," he added softly.
She cocked her head to the left. "And that 'trustworthy person' would be you, I suppose?"
Harm was feeling a little embarrassed but he tried his best not to let it show. "Exactly. If you'll, for once, submit to my control."
Seeing her hesitate a little, obviously pondering her next words, his stomach tightened. Still, knowing her wishes and needs had to come first, he pushed the feeling away and waited for her reaction.
"Thank you so much, Harm, I appreciate that," she answered carefully but he could hear the 'however' approaching. "But I'm not quite sure what I want yet. Can I give you my answer later?" Her big brown eyes were begging him to understand.
"'Course," he only agreed in a low voice as a flash of acute disappointment shot through him. True, he would have meticulously kept his physical and emotional distance from her. Yet, having her around would have made things a lot easier to bear - and then, there was always the hope that something, whatever, from her old life would flip the switch that was keeping her from her old self yet.
"Anyway, you should think about it," he gently encouraged her. "Because if what your doctors tell me is true, your amnesia was probably caused by the traumatic events you've been through, not by your head injury that luckily turned out superficial. According to the MRI they did two days ago, your brain seems to be okay as far as they can tell. It's a little swollen at the back of your head, but mostly at the top, not down where any vegetative functions would be affected. Dr. Craven, the head neurologist, thinks that the slight swelling might be completely unconnected to your memory loss," he went on, her intense gaze telling him she was following his explanations highly alert. "So, actually, returning to your habitual surroundings might help getting back what lies buried for whatever reason."
Her glance turned a little pained. "Yeah, I know..." she murmured distractedly, looking down on her blanket for a few moments before lifting her eyes to meet his again. "It's so strange: I don't understand my own reactions. On the one hand I long to know every last detail about myself and yet - going back to an apartment that should feel like home to me but at the moment could as well be some hotel suite... I'm scared, Harm," she admitted with a sigh.
"That's okay," he said soothingly, wanting desperately to take her in his arms but refraining from the gesture, knowing it would disconcert her even more. "I'll be there for you. And so will Bud and Harriet, and Admiral Chegwidden. They're all eager to see you again. And then, there's Sergei who could help you remember your Russian..."
"I know Russian?" she asked, eyes wide.
He nodded. "Yes, you do. Try to say something. Maybe that's something that you haven't lost."
He saw her close her eyes, her brow furrowing in concentration - and suddenly, the skin on her forehead relaxed.
"Spaseeba," she said, smiling slightly. "Da, ya gavaryu pa ruskij." [Thank you. Yes, I speak Russian.]
Even though this might have no meaning regarding her memories of her former life, his heart jumped a little with joy. Whatever little headway she was making felt like a treasure to him. "That's great," he uttered in sincere joy, patting her shoulder. "Keep it up, and before long we'll be facing off in the courtroom again."
Her smile actually turned a little mischievous as she agreed in Farsi, nodding her head to make him understand the unknown words and catching him completely off guard.
"Whoa..." he made, awed. "Never do things halfway, right, Marine? Well, I guess this answers the question of whether your amnesia is of a physical nature or not." 'Now we only have to find the key to unlock the dungeon you locked yourself in,' he added silently, knowing full well that 'only' was more than just a slight understatement.
"In part, it might be physical after all," she stated, sobering. "Or how would you explain that when I skimmed the UCMJ earlier, I remembered parts of it, but other things were completely new to me." She sighed. "However, considering that I didn't remember anything at all about a concept called 'law' when you first told me I was a lawyer, I guess I am indeed making progress."
She fell silent, gazing into the big nothing, lost in deep thought. Harm couldn't be sure but he was still pretty certain he knew what she was brooding about. Gently squeezing her shoulder, he made her look at him. "Don't worry, Sarah. In time, you'll find your way back home - and not just to your apartment. And as far as I am concerned, I'll do everything in my power to guide you on that road, okay?"
Swallowing, she laid her right hand on the one that was still resting on her left shoulder. "Thank you," she replied, silently fixing his gaze for a long moment. Then she pulled herself up, drew a deep breath and exhaled in a quick, determined way, pulling back her hand. "Okay, question number one..."
"Sarah, hold it for a moment," Harm suddenly interrupted her, glancing at his watch. "I'm not a guest of this noble residence anymore, you know. It's late. I think I should go back to the base. We'll do this tomorrow, okay? I promise."
He started to get up but Mac quickly reached for his hand and pulled hard. "No way are you walking out on me now," she threatened. "As long as they don't drag you out of here, you can as well tell me what I want to know. Please," she added, her voice softening. The desperate look had returned to her eyes.
Defeated, he sat down again and leaned back. "Fire at will, Colonel."
She smiled in relieved gratitude. It took her a long moment to formulate even one question, though. He could tell her mind was overflowing with conflicting thoughts and emotions and she was obviously having a hard time getting them into any rational order. "Okay..." she drawled, "So... when we were investigating my uncle, you figured out I was hiding something from you. How?"
His healing leg was giving him a hard time. He was very tired, physically as well as emotionally. And he was bound by his promise. So his answer reduced to the maximum of concise clarity, not even trying to conceal anything. "I was looking at you all the time." For a brief moment he wondered why it was so easy holding her glance.
He could see his open answer had stunned her a little but she seemed to recognize and appreciate the absolute sincerity. "Why?" she only asked.
"Because I was seeing someone else in you."
"Who?"
"A woman whose murder I'd had to investigate just a few months before."
Seeing her shocked expression, he wondered for a split second if he should really do this to her. And to himself, for that matter. Talking about Diane would lead to talking about feelings. And talking about feelings would lead him to... But as soon as the thought had formed, he defiantly pushed it aside. 'The truth. You promised.'
"Lieutenant Diane Schonke. the love of my life," he added in a low voice.
Choosing to ignore her toneless "Oh, God..." he went on, mindful of keeping his voice gentle and understanding. "This is an entirely different story, so I won't get into it now. It doesn't have anything to do with your life, Sarah. And it's long past. I only mentioned it because it was your uncanny resemblance to Diane that made me forget all the time that I didn't know you. That's why we were so close right from the start - at least as far as I was concerned. For you, it took a little longer to open up, but my state of mind enabled us to understand each other as quickly as we did."
It took him a little aback when he saw her expression cloud somewhat. "So all you did for my uncle - and for me - you did it because of her?"
He shook his head. "No," he replied, gently but firmly. "I did it because it was the right thing to do. Although I wouldn't have done what he did, I still came to admire your uncle for how he followed his principles. And I admired you for how you were willing to give up everything for him."
"Do you still see her when you look at me? Is that why you're staying with me now?"
Her doubts stung and he had to remind himself to be careful while appeasing them. If he acted on impulse only, he was in danger of giving away the one secret he was determined to keep. "You're my best friend on Earth, Sarah." Still, his words carried a lot more emotion than would have been advised. "Leaving you alone was never an option."
"But is it her you're seeing in me?" she insisted.
"No, it's you. It's not always been you," he admitted, "But it's been you for longer than I can remember now." Drawing a deep breath, he decided to take yet another step, wanting to chase even the slightest reminder of uncertainty from her eyes. "Let's leave aside for the moment that I loved Diane. Of course, she was a good friend, too. But you and me, we've been through so much together, Sarah. We've seen each other at our best and at our worst. I didn't keep track of who owes whom his or her life at the moment because we've saved each other more often than one should think possible." He reached out and encircled her fingers in his. "Our friendship goes way beyond anything I've ever known. It survived several relationships on both sides. It's something I just can't go on without. That's why I stay."
Her eyes had widened a notch while listening as he had poured out his heart to her. It was clear that he had made no admission of love, but the light that surrounded them seemed to have warmed. He felt her fingers lace through his, but her action didn't unsettle him in the least. For in her eyes, he read the most wonderful understanding of what exactly he had just told her, without any trace of expecting anything that went beyond it. Their wavelengths seemed perfectly synchronized.
Deep in Harm's heart, the wound stopped to bleed. Although the remaining scar would always remind him of what they had lost, the agonizing fear that Mac might never find her way back was soothed by a consolation that had started to blossom within him: if they would always understand each other the way that had just transpired, the loss was something he'd in time learn to bear.
"Thank you," she answered quietly, her eyes shining with gratitude.
For a moment, neither of them said a word, not wanting to break the magic of the moment, but eventually she drew back her hand, a relaxed smile gracing her features. The mischievous sparkle in her glance made him raise his eyebrows.
"Okay," she said. "Then I'll play 20 questions now, sort of."
"Uh oh..." he mumbled, his mischief fully matching hers.
"Umm, let's see... what was the funniest situation we've ever been in?"
The memory that instantly surfaced made him chuckle. "Seeing you duck in the courtroom when I fired an automatic weapon to prove my point."
"What??" Her incredulous smile was as wide as it could ever be. "Apparently you're plain crazy. So why wouldn't I duck in such a situation?"
Laughing for good now, Harm explained, "You've always made it a point that Marines don't duck. They 'take cover', you know? And the sight of you vanishing under your table was just hilarious."
With a mock frown, she slapped him on the arm. "Just be glad that I'm not in combat shape right now, sailor. Anyway, next question: what was the most embarrassing situation I've ever seen you in?"
He sobered just a little bit, but still his smile prevailed. "I guess that was on the beach in Sydney. I thought you were topless and I didn't dare to look over the magazine you were reading. In fact, I didn't know where to look at all."
"Oh?" she asked, calm amusement playing on her features. "Well, was I? Topless, I mean?"
"I still don't know and you wouldn't tell."
"Why were we in Australia together anyway?" she queried curiously.
As quickly as it had come, his earlier settled feeling vanished and he cursed himself for having brought the topic up in the first place. Yet, it was an essential part of her past. He wouldn't conceal it from her. He just hoped he might not have to go into every heart-wrenching detail at once.
"A former colleague of ours, an Australian Navy officer who'd been at JAG with the officers exchange program, requested that we investigate a case in Sydney involving an American seaman." 'I won't tell you that you came on your own account,' he added in private, unable now to keep the smile on his face. "His name was Mic Brumby. You were involved with him for quite some time but it didn't last."
By now, she had sobered as well and was eyeing him curiously. "One could suspect that that bothered you," she remarked carefully.
"Well, to be honest, I didn't like him," Harm explained, hoping she would accept the reasons he gave her. "He was cocky and dominated you in a way. I tried to respect your choice but I knew he wasn't good for you. Apparently I was right."
"Seems so," she agreed thoughtfully. "Did I tell you why we broke up?"
"Never in so many words," he answered, knowing it was the truth. They still hadn't talked the Brumby issue through in full. Maybe they never would, now.
He winced as she made a dismissive gesture and said, "Never mind that now. As you're still here, I don't think the liaison can have affected our friendship very much." He was grateful that his instinctive reaction seemed to have escaped her. To explain the horrors of being out in the Atlantic for hours, trying to survive the storm and the cold, let alone the pain of losing her, would have exceeded his strength.
"Anymore questions, Colonel?" he asked lightly, eager to change the topic and steer the ship into calm waters.
Mac picked up on his diversionary tactic. "Okay, no more cocky Australians for tonight," she conceded with a benign smile. But just as he was about to heave an exaggerated sigh of relief, she spoke up again. "I do have a few other questions, though."
"Awww, Mac, have mercy," he pleaded, trying to let her hear the mockery but secretly imploring her to take his words literally.
Seeing her smile had vanished completely, he instantly understood that he had made it worse rather than better.
"Sarah," she said quietly, mild reproach ringing in her voice. "Harm, I don't understand. Is it so difficult just to let me be my true self? Does 'Sarah' sound so wrong to you?"
He could never give her the foremost reason why calling her 'Sarah' felt so wrong to him. Sarah was the woman he loved. She was the one he was yearning for but she was out of reach. Mac, on the other hand, was his friend of years. With her, he felt secure. She had no idea how hard she was making things for him.
"No," he sighed, briefly closing his eyes. "Of course not. It's just that getting my friend back seems to bring up old habits. I'm sorry. Okay, what do you want to know?" He tried a smile.
If she was still upset, she didn't let it show. "What was the weirdest thing we ever did together?"
"How many hours do I have to tell you?" he asked, a little lamely.
She made a face. "So many? Oh, boy... okay. What was the weirdest of all?"
He did have a vast choice but he knew at once what his answer would be. "How about stealing a MiG-29 near Moscow, taking fire and ejecting somewhere on the way to Siberia?"
"Goodness!" she gasped. "What on earth did we do that for?"
Once more, Harm hoped she would settle for the condensed version. He was too exhausted to dig up yet another topic that would drain him emotionally. "My father was a naval aviator and was shot down over Vietnam. I eventually found out he was brought to a Russian gulag many years later and I needed to find out what had happened to him. So I went to Russia and you came along, because of the language and to keep my feet on the ground. We needed a ride to Siberia." He grinned a little self-consciously. "Would it be okay if we shelved the rest of the story for another time?"
She sighed. "Well, I'm really curious to hear that one but I suspect that it would probably take us too long tonight. Just one thing: did we find your dad?"
Harm couldn't help swallowing. "Yeah..." he said very low. "That is, we found out where he had lived and how he had died. It was hard - but I found closure. So it was worth it. Thank you again for coming with me."
"You're welcome," she said, simply and amiably as if it had been the most natural thing in the world to do. "I suppose, this is where your brother comes into the picture," she mused, her brow furrowing considerably. Harm only nodded. Taking a decided breath, she tried again to lighten the mood. "So what was the most heroic thing we ever did together?"
He could see she was confused that he didn't counter her humor but remained earnest all the time. "How about saving the Russian president's life in Chechnya?" he offered without even the hint of a smile.
The look in her eyes was slowly turning a little haunted as if even this small selection of what they had been through was overwhelming her. "Qualifies," she admitted in a rather small voice, obviously not daring to ask for any further details. Still, hesitant, she once again addressed him. "Harm - I know it's late and we should both be resting but... I'd like to know one more thing. Maybe we'd pick different situations to answer this one, but when do you, personally, think we've been closest to each other?"
'The admiral's porch,' resounded a voice at the back of his mind but with considerable effort, he banned the picture and all emotions connected to it from his mind. Instead, he let himself be taken four years to the past. "The night you saved me from killing Diane's murderer with my own hands," he said quietly. "And strange as it may seem: out of mistaking you for her for a moment, I think it was just that night that I really started seeing Sarah when I looked at you."
As if she could sense there was more to the story, she had started to tremble slightly. "How?" she whispered, wide-eyed.
'The truth, Rabb.' "I kissed Diane goodbye," he admitted, eyes downcast, "and at the same time, the kiss welcomed you in my life."
The silence that followed weighed heavy on both of them. Finally, knowing he had to leave for the night, Harm again addressed the topic that had been shelved earlier. "So, what do you say? Do I tell them to release you into my care?"
Wearily, she wiped her face with her hands. "Harm, I'd really like to be on my own for a while," she admitted, giving clear signs of a bad conscience at turning down his generous offer. "If I promised to find myself a physician and go there every day... would you cover for me if I went for a little vacation all on my own, just me and a whole truckload of thoughts to be digested?" The look she gave him, a mixture of complete helplessness and fierce determination to come to terms at least with what she had learned until now, effectively stilled the protest he had been about to voice.
He fought a difficult inward struggle, deciding whether to comply with her needs or not. The idea of leaving her by herself when she was yet so unsettled made him furious. Yet, he understood utterly and completely that she was longing for that distance from the bottom of her heart. And suddenly, the perfect solution to this dilemma came to his mind.
"I hate to do this," he began, seeing her nod self-consciously, "But if you promise to follow your doctors' orders and if this is really what you think you need most, then I'll be the last to hold you back. Under one condition, though," he added, raising his hand to stop her as she was apparently about to start thanking him for understanding.
Obviously a little taken aback, she only nodded, waiting for him to elaborate.
What he had in mind was a little audacious but it would set his mind at ease, knowing she would be taken good care of. He only had to make sure she wouldn't find out. "I have friends in the west," he began to lay out his plan to her. "An elderly couple who own a beautiful house with a magnificent ocean view, down in California. I don't see them often now but I know they still take boarding guests from time to time. They're very decent people and you'd have all the necessary solace you could wish for. They would provide you with anything you need - from a good physician to a nice barbecue on the terrace every night. I'm sure they'd love to have you. I'm even sure that if I talked to them, you'd get a special offer. And they'll ask no questions if you tell them not to. What do you say?"
She took a long minute to contemplate his offer - a minute that passed entirely too slow for him. 'Please, say yes,' he implored her, 'I want to be sure you're safe wherever you go.'
Finally, she met his eyes again, a slight, grateful smile playing on her features. "I think I'd like to get to know them."
To be continued... (As always, feedback will be appreciated!)
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after 'Answered Prayers'
From part five:
"It was the day little AJ Roberts was born," Harm explained, his voice monotone. "The ambulance arrived only after Harriet had given birth in the admiral's office at JAG. When they were finally off to the hospital, you and I were standing in front of JAG headquarters, watching them leave. You were musing about your biological clock and how you doubted you'd have a family one day. So I said that if neither of us were in a relationship five years from that day, we might as well go halves on a kid. A pact between best friends. That was two and a half years ago."
Sarah needed a few seconds to reassemble her thoughts. Letting out a nervous chuckle, she commented, "Okay, I see your point. This is definitely beyond the confines of an ordinary friendship." She shook her head vigorously as if the movement would somehow clear it. But looking at her friend, she knew he had told her the truth, weird as it might seem. So maybe she should indeed rely on his advice and not dwell on the subject any further for the moment but go back to the beginning instead. Yet, there was one thing she had to know before she would continue on that journey.
"Harm... have we ever been... involved with each other?" She didn't dare face him.
"We were never lovers if that's what you're asking," she heard him reply cautiously and looked up in slight surprise - and disappointment, as she noted, astonished about herself.
"Then why would you make such an offer to me?" she asked, at a loss.
"Because we've always been very close, right from the very start." Once again, his words went straight through to her heart.
"Tell me about 'The People vs. Matthew O'Hara'," was all she replied.
Part Six:
Jan. 15th 0412 ZULU Military hospital Yuma, Arizona
"You comfortable?" Harm had adjusted the backrest of Mac's bed to an angle that had her almost sitting but she had wanted it this way. Fluffing the pillow a little before she leaned back against it, he searched her face for any signs that she was feeling uneasy having him around but he didn't see any. Hopefully their earlier conversation had cleared the air to some extent so that they would finally be able to face the long, bumpy road of her recovery. Together.
Mac looked up at him and smiled. "Yes, that's perfect, thank you." The smile she gave him confirmed his hopes. They could indeed go on from here.
"I promise I'll answer all your questions at once, but first," he held up his hand in an apologetic gesture as she was about to protest, "First, I have a few details for you from your doctors."
She nodded, her apprehension showing on her face. "Go ahead."
Anxious to set her at ease, he smiled, hiding his own relief under a mask of reassurance. "Physically, you've recovered remarkably well. You'll still need to walk with the help of crutches for a few weeks and take up an intensive rehab routine once the pain in your shoulder and in your hip is gone. And of course, for at least two weeks, lots of rest and daily visits to your residential physician are a must. But the doctors are willing to release you into the care of a trustworthy person. You'll have to follow strict orders - but you'd be able to return to D.C. if you feel up to it. Congratulations, Marine," he added softly.
She cocked her head to the left. "And that 'trustworthy person' would be you, I suppose?"
Harm was feeling a little embarrassed but he tried his best not to let it show. "Exactly. If you'll, for once, submit to my control."
Seeing her hesitate a little, obviously pondering her next words, his stomach tightened. Still, knowing her wishes and needs had to come first, he pushed the feeling away and waited for her reaction.
"Thank you so much, Harm, I appreciate that," she answered carefully but he could hear the 'however' approaching. "But I'm not quite sure what I want yet. Can I give you my answer later?" Her big brown eyes were begging him to understand.
"'Course," he only agreed in a low voice as a flash of acute disappointment shot through him. True, he would have meticulously kept his physical and emotional distance from her. Yet, having her around would have made things a lot easier to bear - and then, there was always the hope that something, whatever, from her old life would flip the switch that was keeping her from her old self yet.
"Anyway, you should think about it," he gently encouraged her. "Because if what your doctors tell me is true, your amnesia was probably caused by the traumatic events you've been through, not by your head injury that luckily turned out superficial. According to the MRI they did two days ago, your brain seems to be okay as far as they can tell. It's a little swollen at the back of your head, but mostly at the top, not down where any vegetative functions would be affected. Dr. Craven, the head neurologist, thinks that the slight swelling might be completely unconnected to your memory loss," he went on, her intense gaze telling him she was following his explanations highly alert. "So, actually, returning to your habitual surroundings might help getting back what lies buried for whatever reason."
Her glance turned a little pained. "Yeah, I know..." she murmured distractedly, looking down on her blanket for a few moments before lifting her eyes to meet his again. "It's so strange: I don't understand my own reactions. On the one hand I long to know every last detail about myself and yet - going back to an apartment that should feel like home to me but at the moment could as well be some hotel suite... I'm scared, Harm," she admitted with a sigh.
"That's okay," he said soothingly, wanting desperately to take her in his arms but refraining from the gesture, knowing it would disconcert her even more. "I'll be there for you. And so will Bud and Harriet, and Admiral Chegwidden. They're all eager to see you again. And then, there's Sergei who could help you remember your Russian..."
"I know Russian?" she asked, eyes wide.
He nodded. "Yes, you do. Try to say something. Maybe that's something that you haven't lost."
He saw her close her eyes, her brow furrowing in concentration - and suddenly, the skin on her forehead relaxed.
"Spaseeba," she said, smiling slightly. "Da, ya gavaryu pa ruskij." [Thank you. Yes, I speak Russian.]
Even though this might have no meaning regarding her memories of her former life, his heart jumped a little with joy. Whatever little headway she was making felt like a treasure to him. "That's great," he uttered in sincere joy, patting her shoulder. "Keep it up, and before long we'll be facing off in the courtroom again."
Her smile actually turned a little mischievous as she agreed in Farsi, nodding her head to make him understand the unknown words and catching him completely off guard.
"Whoa..." he made, awed. "Never do things halfway, right, Marine? Well, I guess this answers the question of whether your amnesia is of a physical nature or not." 'Now we only have to find the key to unlock the dungeon you locked yourself in,' he added silently, knowing full well that 'only' was more than just a slight understatement.
"In part, it might be physical after all," she stated, sobering. "Or how would you explain that when I skimmed the UCMJ earlier, I remembered parts of it, but other things were completely new to me." She sighed. "However, considering that I didn't remember anything at all about a concept called 'law' when you first told me I was a lawyer, I guess I am indeed making progress."
She fell silent, gazing into the big nothing, lost in deep thought. Harm couldn't be sure but he was still pretty certain he knew what she was brooding about. Gently squeezing her shoulder, he made her look at him. "Don't worry, Sarah. In time, you'll find your way back home - and not just to your apartment. And as far as I am concerned, I'll do everything in my power to guide you on that road, okay?"
Swallowing, she laid her right hand on the one that was still resting on her left shoulder. "Thank you," she replied, silently fixing his gaze for a long moment. Then she pulled herself up, drew a deep breath and exhaled in a quick, determined way, pulling back her hand. "Okay, question number one..."
"Sarah, hold it for a moment," Harm suddenly interrupted her, glancing at his watch. "I'm not a guest of this noble residence anymore, you know. It's late. I think I should go back to the base. We'll do this tomorrow, okay? I promise."
He started to get up but Mac quickly reached for his hand and pulled hard. "No way are you walking out on me now," she threatened. "As long as they don't drag you out of here, you can as well tell me what I want to know. Please," she added, her voice softening. The desperate look had returned to her eyes.
Defeated, he sat down again and leaned back. "Fire at will, Colonel."
She smiled in relieved gratitude. It took her a long moment to formulate even one question, though. He could tell her mind was overflowing with conflicting thoughts and emotions and she was obviously having a hard time getting them into any rational order. "Okay..." she drawled, "So... when we were investigating my uncle, you figured out I was hiding something from you. How?"
His healing leg was giving him a hard time. He was very tired, physically as well as emotionally. And he was bound by his promise. So his answer reduced to the maximum of concise clarity, not even trying to conceal anything. "I was looking at you all the time." For a brief moment he wondered why it was so easy holding her glance.
He could see his open answer had stunned her a little but she seemed to recognize and appreciate the absolute sincerity. "Why?" she only asked.
"Because I was seeing someone else in you."
"Who?"
"A woman whose murder I'd had to investigate just a few months before."
Seeing her shocked expression, he wondered for a split second if he should really do this to her. And to himself, for that matter. Talking about Diane would lead to talking about feelings. And talking about feelings would lead him to... But as soon as the thought had formed, he defiantly pushed it aside. 'The truth. You promised.'
"Lieutenant Diane Schonke. the love of my life," he added in a low voice.
Choosing to ignore her toneless "Oh, God..." he went on, mindful of keeping his voice gentle and understanding. "This is an entirely different story, so I won't get into it now. It doesn't have anything to do with your life, Sarah. And it's long past. I only mentioned it because it was your uncanny resemblance to Diane that made me forget all the time that I didn't know you. That's why we were so close right from the start - at least as far as I was concerned. For you, it took a little longer to open up, but my state of mind enabled us to understand each other as quickly as we did."
It took him a little aback when he saw her expression cloud somewhat. "So all you did for my uncle - and for me - you did it because of her?"
He shook his head. "No," he replied, gently but firmly. "I did it because it was the right thing to do. Although I wouldn't have done what he did, I still came to admire your uncle for how he followed his principles. And I admired you for how you were willing to give up everything for him."
"Do you still see her when you look at me? Is that why you're staying with me now?"
Her doubts stung and he had to remind himself to be careful while appeasing them. If he acted on impulse only, he was in danger of giving away the one secret he was determined to keep. "You're my best friend on Earth, Sarah." Still, his words carried a lot more emotion than would have been advised. "Leaving you alone was never an option."
"But is it her you're seeing in me?" she insisted.
"No, it's you. It's not always been you," he admitted, "But it's been you for longer than I can remember now." Drawing a deep breath, he decided to take yet another step, wanting to chase even the slightest reminder of uncertainty from her eyes. "Let's leave aside for the moment that I loved Diane. Of course, she was a good friend, too. But you and me, we've been through so much together, Sarah. We've seen each other at our best and at our worst. I didn't keep track of who owes whom his or her life at the moment because we've saved each other more often than one should think possible." He reached out and encircled her fingers in his. "Our friendship goes way beyond anything I've ever known. It survived several relationships on both sides. It's something I just can't go on without. That's why I stay."
Her eyes had widened a notch while listening as he had poured out his heart to her. It was clear that he had made no admission of love, but the light that surrounded them seemed to have warmed. He felt her fingers lace through his, but her action didn't unsettle him in the least. For in her eyes, he read the most wonderful understanding of what exactly he had just told her, without any trace of expecting anything that went beyond it. Their wavelengths seemed perfectly synchronized.
Deep in Harm's heart, the wound stopped to bleed. Although the remaining scar would always remind him of what they had lost, the agonizing fear that Mac might never find her way back was soothed by a consolation that had started to blossom within him: if they would always understand each other the way that had just transpired, the loss was something he'd in time learn to bear.
"Thank you," she answered quietly, her eyes shining with gratitude.
For a moment, neither of them said a word, not wanting to break the magic of the moment, but eventually she drew back her hand, a relaxed smile gracing her features. The mischievous sparkle in her glance made him raise his eyebrows.
"Okay," she said. "Then I'll play 20 questions now, sort of."
"Uh oh..." he mumbled, his mischief fully matching hers.
"Umm, let's see... what was the funniest situation we've ever been in?"
The memory that instantly surfaced made him chuckle. "Seeing you duck in the courtroom when I fired an automatic weapon to prove my point."
"What??" Her incredulous smile was as wide as it could ever be. "Apparently you're plain crazy. So why wouldn't I duck in such a situation?"
Laughing for good now, Harm explained, "You've always made it a point that Marines don't duck. They 'take cover', you know? And the sight of you vanishing under your table was just hilarious."
With a mock frown, she slapped him on the arm. "Just be glad that I'm not in combat shape right now, sailor. Anyway, next question: what was the most embarrassing situation I've ever seen you in?"
He sobered just a little bit, but still his smile prevailed. "I guess that was on the beach in Sydney. I thought you were topless and I didn't dare to look over the magazine you were reading. In fact, I didn't know where to look at all."
"Oh?" she asked, calm amusement playing on her features. "Well, was I? Topless, I mean?"
"I still don't know and you wouldn't tell."
"Why were we in Australia together anyway?" she queried curiously.
As quickly as it had come, his earlier settled feeling vanished and he cursed himself for having brought the topic up in the first place. Yet, it was an essential part of her past. He wouldn't conceal it from her. He just hoped he might not have to go into every heart-wrenching detail at once.
"A former colleague of ours, an Australian Navy officer who'd been at JAG with the officers exchange program, requested that we investigate a case in Sydney involving an American seaman." 'I won't tell you that you came on your own account,' he added in private, unable now to keep the smile on his face. "His name was Mic Brumby. You were involved with him for quite some time but it didn't last."
By now, she had sobered as well and was eyeing him curiously. "One could suspect that that bothered you," she remarked carefully.
"Well, to be honest, I didn't like him," Harm explained, hoping she would accept the reasons he gave her. "He was cocky and dominated you in a way. I tried to respect your choice but I knew he wasn't good for you. Apparently I was right."
"Seems so," she agreed thoughtfully. "Did I tell you why we broke up?"
"Never in so many words," he answered, knowing it was the truth. They still hadn't talked the Brumby issue through in full. Maybe they never would, now.
He winced as she made a dismissive gesture and said, "Never mind that now. As you're still here, I don't think the liaison can have affected our friendship very much." He was grateful that his instinctive reaction seemed to have escaped her. To explain the horrors of being out in the Atlantic for hours, trying to survive the storm and the cold, let alone the pain of losing her, would have exceeded his strength.
"Anymore questions, Colonel?" he asked lightly, eager to change the topic and steer the ship into calm waters.
Mac picked up on his diversionary tactic. "Okay, no more cocky Australians for tonight," she conceded with a benign smile. But just as he was about to heave an exaggerated sigh of relief, she spoke up again. "I do have a few other questions, though."
"Awww, Mac, have mercy," he pleaded, trying to let her hear the mockery but secretly imploring her to take his words literally.
Seeing her smile had vanished completely, he instantly understood that he had made it worse rather than better.
"Sarah," she said quietly, mild reproach ringing in her voice. "Harm, I don't understand. Is it so difficult just to let me be my true self? Does 'Sarah' sound so wrong to you?"
He could never give her the foremost reason why calling her 'Sarah' felt so wrong to him. Sarah was the woman he loved. She was the one he was yearning for but she was out of reach. Mac, on the other hand, was his friend of years. With her, he felt secure. She had no idea how hard she was making things for him.
"No," he sighed, briefly closing his eyes. "Of course not. It's just that getting my friend back seems to bring up old habits. I'm sorry. Okay, what do you want to know?" He tried a smile.
If she was still upset, she didn't let it show. "What was the weirdest thing we ever did together?"
"How many hours do I have to tell you?" he asked, a little lamely.
She made a face. "So many? Oh, boy... okay. What was the weirdest of all?"
He did have a vast choice but he knew at once what his answer would be. "How about stealing a MiG-29 near Moscow, taking fire and ejecting somewhere on the way to Siberia?"
"Goodness!" she gasped. "What on earth did we do that for?"
Once more, Harm hoped she would settle for the condensed version. He was too exhausted to dig up yet another topic that would drain him emotionally. "My father was a naval aviator and was shot down over Vietnam. I eventually found out he was brought to a Russian gulag many years later and I needed to find out what had happened to him. So I went to Russia and you came along, because of the language and to keep my feet on the ground. We needed a ride to Siberia." He grinned a little self-consciously. "Would it be okay if we shelved the rest of the story for another time?"
She sighed. "Well, I'm really curious to hear that one but I suspect that it would probably take us too long tonight. Just one thing: did we find your dad?"
Harm couldn't help swallowing. "Yeah..." he said very low. "That is, we found out where he had lived and how he had died. It was hard - but I found closure. So it was worth it. Thank you again for coming with me."
"You're welcome," she said, simply and amiably as if it had been the most natural thing in the world to do. "I suppose, this is where your brother comes into the picture," she mused, her brow furrowing considerably. Harm only nodded. Taking a decided breath, she tried again to lighten the mood. "So what was the most heroic thing we ever did together?"
He could see she was confused that he didn't counter her humor but remained earnest all the time. "How about saving the Russian president's life in Chechnya?" he offered without even the hint of a smile.
The look in her eyes was slowly turning a little haunted as if even this small selection of what they had been through was overwhelming her. "Qualifies," she admitted in a rather small voice, obviously not daring to ask for any further details. Still, hesitant, she once again addressed him. "Harm - I know it's late and we should both be resting but... I'd like to know one more thing. Maybe we'd pick different situations to answer this one, but when do you, personally, think we've been closest to each other?"
'The admiral's porch,' resounded a voice at the back of his mind but with considerable effort, he banned the picture and all emotions connected to it from his mind. Instead, he let himself be taken four years to the past. "The night you saved me from killing Diane's murderer with my own hands," he said quietly. "And strange as it may seem: out of mistaking you for her for a moment, I think it was just that night that I really started seeing Sarah when I looked at you."
As if she could sense there was more to the story, she had started to tremble slightly. "How?" she whispered, wide-eyed.
'The truth, Rabb.' "I kissed Diane goodbye," he admitted, eyes downcast, "and at the same time, the kiss welcomed you in my life."
The silence that followed weighed heavy on both of them. Finally, knowing he had to leave for the night, Harm again addressed the topic that had been shelved earlier. "So, what do you say? Do I tell them to release you into my care?"
Wearily, she wiped her face with her hands. "Harm, I'd really like to be on my own for a while," she admitted, giving clear signs of a bad conscience at turning down his generous offer. "If I promised to find myself a physician and go there every day... would you cover for me if I went for a little vacation all on my own, just me and a whole truckload of thoughts to be digested?" The look she gave him, a mixture of complete helplessness and fierce determination to come to terms at least with what she had learned until now, effectively stilled the protest he had been about to voice.
He fought a difficult inward struggle, deciding whether to comply with her needs or not. The idea of leaving her by herself when she was yet so unsettled made him furious. Yet, he understood utterly and completely that she was longing for that distance from the bottom of her heart. And suddenly, the perfect solution to this dilemma came to his mind.
"I hate to do this," he began, seeing her nod self-consciously, "But if you promise to follow your doctors' orders and if this is really what you think you need most, then I'll be the last to hold you back. Under one condition, though," he added, raising his hand to stop her as she was apparently about to start thanking him for understanding.
Obviously a little taken aback, she only nodded, waiting for him to elaborate.
What he had in mind was a little audacious but it would set his mind at ease, knowing she would be taken good care of. He only had to make sure she wouldn't find out. "I have friends in the west," he began to lay out his plan to her. "An elderly couple who own a beautiful house with a magnificent ocean view, down in California. I don't see them often now but I know they still take boarding guests from time to time. They're very decent people and you'd have all the necessary solace you could wish for. They would provide you with anything you need - from a good physician to a nice barbecue on the terrace every night. I'm sure they'd love to have you. I'm even sure that if I talked to them, you'd get a special offer. And they'll ask no questions if you tell them not to. What do you say?"
She took a long minute to contemplate his offer - a minute that passed entirely too slow for him. 'Please, say yes,' he implored her, 'I want to be sure you're safe wherever you go.'
Finally, she met his eyes again, a slight, grateful smile playing on her features. "I think I'd like to get to know them."
To be continued... (As always, feedback will be appreciated!)