Disclaimer: Woo Hoo! I'm a poor high school student with nothing!      

Interesting fact: Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

Chapter 10-Nancy's Day Part 2 (Yup it's still Friday)

Rita Van Buren heard a knock at her office's door. "Come in!"

            Nancy entered with an expression that could only be described as guilt, on her face.

            "Take a seat," Rita, no longer in her chicken costume, motioned toward a chair. "You sounded incredibly upset on the phone."

            Nancy took her usual seat and looked Rita directly in the eyes. "Look, I hate being wrong more than anything else in the world, I'm just that anal. However I have to let you know that you were right about me. I am a mess."

            "What brought about this realization?" Rita asked, amazed, but not surprised, that Nancy could be so straightforward.

            Nancy sat back and released tension from her shoulders; "I was talking to my boyfriend today. You see I am, or was, an amateur detective before I started school at Wilder University but I never told Michael, my boyfriend, about it."

            "By amateur do you mean 'sometimes helped the local police'?"

            "Sometimes, but I usually dealt with high profile cases all over the country. Sometimes I would get the opportunity to go out of the states to solve a crime."    

            "Alright just getting the facts straight, continue."

            "Well after I told him all about my stint as a detective I was expecting him to be mad at me for not telling him about all of it. Actually I was expecting him to yell at me, hit me, do something."

            Rita looked at Nancy with a concerned look in her eyes, "Has he, or anybody you've known, been physically abusive towards you?"

            "No,"Nancy admitted. "It was the minute I realized he was supportive of me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me that I realized I really do have a problem with emotions. I began to think that maybe you were right, I am emotionally scarred."

            "Why do you think that is Nancy?"

            Nancy sighed, "I don't really know."

            "Did your dad ever show emotion towards you?"

            "Yes."

            "You don't sound so sure."

            "I know he tried his hardest to show me that he loved me. It couldn't possibly have been easy raising a child on his own." Nancy smiled sadly, "He was supposed to be with my mom forever." She looked up at Rita, "Do you know what it says on the bands of their wedding rings?" Rita shook her head. "He had 'Our love until the end of time' inscribed in Latin. They didn't even get five years." Nancy looked down at her hands rested on her lap, "He didn't even bother to keep remembering her after she died."

            "Why would you say that?"

            "He didn't ever mention her after she died and anytime I did he would get angry. But it was that silent anger not 'yell until your face turns red' kind." Nancy looked back up at Rita, "All I wanted was something to hold onto of my mom. Do you have any idea how horrible it feels to have your memories of your mother disappear a little more every day? I can't even remember what she was like anymore, I was incredibly young when she died." Rita watched as Nancy's expression turned from one despair to one of turbulent angry emotions. "And now he doesn't even acknowledge that she ever existed. No, forget Elizabeth Drew! It's all about Avery now!"

            "Is Avery his new wife?"

            "No, just some tramp he's dating!" Nancy looked ashamed of herself the minute she said that.

            "No," Rita said, "that is your problem. Whenever you start to express yourself you feel guilty. Nancy I'm here to listen to you, just express yourself anyway you want to."

            "It's just that she's everywhere now. Last time I went home to visit my dad she came over on a daily basis and monopolized his time. Every time I asked my dad if he wanted to rent a movie or go out to eat it would be 'Nancy, Avery wanted to go watch a play' or 'Nancy, Avery wanted to go jogging.' He used to call me Nance, or Princess, or Honey...not just plain old Nancy, not that I mind him dropping the Princess but he doesn't even care anymore."

            "Nancy when you start thinking stuff like that what do you do to suppress the emotions."

            Nancy ran a hand through her strawberry-blonde hair. "I usually think of how selfish I am being, how I am being some evil bitch. If that doesn't work then I start thinking about what I need to get accomplished that day."

            "Nancy have you ever gone for a period of time without a boyfriend?"

            Nancy was surprised by the question, "Wow I didn't see that question coming. But to answer it, no. Since I was 15 I think I've always had a boyfriend." Then she added sourly, "Except the times I've been dumped."

            "You say that incredibly angrily. Why?"

            "My first boyfriend at Wilder, Jake Collins, dumped me for this pretty little Russian girl. Well to be honest we had broken up more or less out of mutual agreement but he went on to the most gorgeous girl in the world. I didn't really date after that because, and this will sound so very pitiful, I felt like I wasn't really attractive. The other guy, Ned Nickerson, grrr I could just tear his head off!"

            "What happened?"

            "I dated him longer than I've ever dated anyone. I thought I could always trust him but he cheated on me, several times."

            "Did you know about it during the time you were dating?"

            "Yes, which is what makes it so very pathetic. The first time he cheated on me was back in high school, with this tall, model-like girl. When he went off to college he continued with the cheating. I caught him a few times and he even flirted with girls right in front of me but in the end I always just shrugged it off. What really pisses me off now is that he dumped me after we'd been dating a few years because he thought I was being a little distant and distracted by my cases. We got back together but we broke up when I began school at Wilder. He believed something one of the girls that lives in my dorm told him. She told him I was cheating on him and the idiot believed her! You know what I'm most angry about!? He didn't ask me if it was true, just went with what she said! And even if I had been cheating on him, he had been doing the same to me for years!"

            Rita observed her patient become more and more riled up with every word. This was good, let the girl get all those bottle up emotions out. "Nancy do you think you only held on to Ned because he was the affection you had been missing for years?"

            Nancy stopped to think about this,"I think so. It would explain why I never just cut him loose. But it might have just added to my need for affection. Rita for awhile now I've been wondering if I keep my emotions in check because I want people to like me."

            "When I asked you about friends in the word association game earlier you said they were a chore. Do you bend over backwards for them Nancy?"

            "I don't really know."

            "Have you ever told them you wouldn't help them with something Nancy? Or do you help them with everything no matter how it inconveniences you?"

            "I'm not really sure, I've never really thought about it."

            "That's fine, just wanted you to get thinking about that. Now, I need to know just what kind of depression you have."

            "Depression? Whoa, I wouldn't go that far."

            "Fair enough Nancy. Just humor me with these questions though. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep or at some random time?"

            "Yes."

            "Was it over regular teenager and child stuff?"

            "No, I cry over nothing really. I'm not even sure why?"

            Rita noticed that Nancy had not answered the question with a past-tense answer. "Have you ever been having fun with friends and out of nowhere you start to wonder if anything was really worth doing?"

            "A few times."

            "Have you ever experienced a lack of sleep or appetite for no particular reason?"

            "When I turned 16 I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to eat. It got to the point that I could see the bones in my body. I could see some of my ribs and my collar bones were too defined."

            "Did anyone notice?"

            "No not really. I just made sure I wore clothing that hid the areas where the bones were most visible. When my dad did mention that I hadn't eaten anything at dinner or that I looked a 'tad bit tired' I would just tell him my physics class or something was taking a lot out of me. Of course that would make him proud, his little girl working that hard."

            "Nancy you are definatly clinically depressed. The crying for no apparent reason is usually a from of passive aggressive behavior. You don't act on your emotions the minute they pop up, you shove them into the back of your head to deal with them at a m ore convenient time. Bottling up your emotions like that causes random crying or overwhelming feelings like ones that would make you question if anything was worth doing. The lack of sleeping and eating is a direct result of being depressed. You must be a great actress if you could hide all of that from everyone you know."

            Nancy nodded in silence.

            "Now the two things we haven't really talked about are your denial and not knowing what to do with your life. My guess is that they come from bottling up your emotions and wanting to please everyone."

            "Don't bother guessing, I can probably tell you what it is exactly. Denial is just easy," she admitted. "I think of a lot of times it made life easier. I used it a lot when I was around my friend Frank Hardy. I tried to pretend I wasn't attracted to him. Didn't always work but it made life easier. And when I saw flirt with other girls in Amsterdam and San Francisco I pretended I wasn't jealous. It was easier to pretend I didn't have any attachment to him. People you are attached to only end up disappointing you anyway."

            "Nancy I know denial can seem easier at times but it creates problems. And the quick easy fix is never the best solution."         

            "You know what I just remembered?"

            "What?"

            "Ned cheated on me with one of my best friends, Bess Marvin." When Rita raised an eyebrow in interest she conitnued, "Well not really cheated but they developed feelings for each other way too soon after Ned and I had broken up for goo. I walked in on them while they were in an intimate embrace and I just couldn't help but feel betrayed. I could accept Ned cheating on me for years, but not with one of the few people I trusted more than anyone in the world." She paused to take a deep breath, "And how am I supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life? I don't know what I want."

            "Nancy I am elated that you have come to realize that you have some problems that you need to resolve. I do need to know, however, if you would like to work through them."

            Nancy frowned in confusion, "I thought I had no choice but to come here at least once a week."

            "Actually," Rita said, "in the file the police department gave me it only says that you have to come to a psychologist until you admit that you have issues of any sort." Rita folded her arms across her chest. "So Nancy it is totally up to you where you go with your issues next. You can either walk out of here and never lay eyes on me again," Rita shrugged, "Or you can come back here for further appointments in which I would be helping you work through any issues that you are not sure how to deal with."

            The strawberry blonde twirled her thumbs as she weighed the choices. "I want to come back to get help."

            "Good," Rita smiled. "I know you can be rid of all that has been weighing you down for all these years."

*                                  *                                  *

            Nancy reached the door of her dorm room, after a late study session at the library, with a light feeling she hadn't felt in years. She felt as if the whole world had finally let go of some of the sharp hooks it had kept in her soul for the first 19 years of her life.

            Demons be gone

            When she entered her room the aroma of lilacs and mango greeted her. Her roommate was burning incense in a butterfly shaped incense burner. Nancy loved the smell.

            Thank you Kara

            She dropped her books at the foot of her bed, brushed her teeth, crawled into soft cotton PJs, and crawled into bed. She stretched out and hit the playback button on the answering machine on her nightstand.

            Beep. Nancy we need to leave for New York City as soon as possible. We have a lead on the case.

            Nancy smiled; she loved hearing Michael's voice. And New York, she missed the city. She definitely would not mind going back there.

            Feeling better than she could remember feeling, Nancy decided to call her dad. She just felt like she needed to hear his voice, tell him that she loved him. She dialed her dad's number quickly, she waited anxiously to hear her father or Hannah pick up the phone. She couldn't wait to hear her Dad's deep-soothing voice, or Hannah's motherly concern.

            "Hello, Drew residence."

            Nancy frowned, recognizing Avery's voice.

            "Hello?"

            Nancy sat still, saying nothing.

            "Hello. Who's there?"

            Nancy felt tears threaten to come spilling out of her eyes. She quickly hung up the phone and curled up, crying herself to sleep.